"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

When Men Pay for a Date the Woman Knows Where She Stands

In these modern times, the question persists - who should pay for a date?

I'm going to answer this question by providing insight into how women intuitively perceive this action from a man. Hint - it's not about money. Women can buy their own dinner. The action of paying for a date goes much, much deeper than something superficial or materialistic.

Men, when you pay for a date - you immediately tell the woman where she stands with you.

Being chivalrous and wanting to provide for the woman immediately tells her that shes special. You're keen on her. And you have a desire to protect and provide for her. Very attractive. Very impressive special treatment to take notice of. The woman is now looking at you as a romantic contender.

And do you know what you're telling a woman when you do not pay for a date?

You immediately tell the woman that she's not special to you. You're not keen on her in a romantic way. And you have no desire to protect and provide for her. Nothing attractive. Nothing impressive and no special treatment to take notice of. The woman is now looking at you as a pal. You are not a romantic contender.

There. It's really that simple.

Are You Seeking a Mate or a Friend?



Times may have changed. However, biologically as humans we have not changed all that much. Leading and providing are masculine actions. Submitting and nurturing are feminine passive actions. Biologically, women are romantically "triggered" by masculine actions (paying for a date, taking the lead), just as men are biologically triggered by feminine nurturing actions (appreciation, attention).

And biologically speaking - our actions say a lot about us.

There's an entire "unspoken" conversation taking place during every single encounter with we have with another. An unspoken language exists that's understood more than it is actually spoken out loud. And the very first actions you take with another set the entire tone of the relationship that will develop between you. Your actions and the unspoken discussion they provoke are "planting a seed."

Are you trying to grow a friendship? Or are you seeking a mate?

It's crucial that your actions and the discussion you start on the very first date reveal your true intent for the woman. Because on that date, your actions are going to help her determine if she's just your pal - or if you're a man with a romantic interest in her.

So if you're seeking a friend, don't pay her way. If you're seeking a mate, treat her as the romantic prospect she is - she's special. She's not just a pal. And you're not simply seeking a friendship here. So make her feel good about herself and let her know your intentions by "speaking" to her through your actions. This will also make her feel secure with you. And once you've made her feel special, good about herself, and secure with you, she'll start looking at you in a romantic way as a prospective mate and she'll drop her guard a bit with you.

And once she's dropped her guard a bit with you, the unspoken "conversation" that then begins to take place is one of "trust." And as we all know, all relationships require a strong foundation of trust to support them. Once a woman feels she can begin to trust you, she begins to trust that you have her best interests at heart, and that you'll protect her because you view her as special. She can now feel safe with you and relax a bit - cause you got this.

You're the man - and you got this.

The Friend Zone: When You Don't Pay for a Date


Guys, when you don't pay for a date, you're doing nothing to help yourself. In fact, by your own actions you risk fast tracking yourself right into the "friend zone." Not only that but even worse, you're signaling to her that you're "Mister Carefree, Casual, Go Lucky." You're signaling to her that you're some dude she can hook up with and pal around with from time to time, but nothing more.

You're telling her that she shouldn't expect much from you.

You're telling her that she shouldn't take you seriously as a romantic prospect because you're not coming at her as one. Instead, you're coming at her as a friend. You're not providing for her so she won't really feel safe with you or secure, and she'll keep her guard up.

Besides, let's face it. What woman gets excited about the prospect of dating a man that she can't expect anything from? What woman gets excited about the prospect of dating a man that isn't serious about her? What woman gets excited about the prospect of dating a man that doesn't have her best interests at heart? What woman gets excited about the prospect of dating a man that she can't rely on? What woman gets excited about dating a man that doesn't care to lift a finger for her or treat her special?

For that matter, what is there to get excited about at all? Making a new friend?

She's not dating to make new friends. She's dating to find a prospective mate. And if you're not coming confidently at her as one, you're creating confusion and wasting her time and yours.

She doesn't plan on ever taking you seriously Mr. Fun Time Guy. Because the unspoken "conversation" you created with her on your first date told her this. Either that or, she'll become an insecure, anxious mess.

Guys, if you have a long line of crazy, insecure, anxious women in your past, it's time to stop and ask yourself why. Because I can assure you that women are not born anxious, insecure and crazy. They become this way because they do not know where they stand with you, your actions are not consistent, and you're confusing them. You're not communicating your intentions clearly through your actions and as a result, the woman is now in a state of uncertainty about you. And once that uncertainty sets in, it will begin to manifest itself in her actions.

Your actions are not that of a masculine leader charting a course and presenting a clear, consistent message that makes her feel secure with you.

So now, the woman is insecure and hell bent on questioning everything you do, and every move you make, in order to receive clarity about where she stands with you. Because your actions are not providing that clarity for her.

The Benefits of Courtship Rituals


Back in the day, courtship rituals were regularly used. Everyone, man and woman, knew what that "language" was, and exactly what these actions meant. It wasn't necessary to have endless "talks" and painful confrontations about where you stand or where the relationship is going. It wasn't necessary to play games, or use tricks to manipulate emotions to your advantage. There was a ritual that provided a language that was enforced by actions - that everyone understood, but very rarely ever had to bother to speak out loud or clarify.

When a man takes the lead and the masculine role when dating, and he enforces that through consistent, reliable actions - there's no need to question him. There's no need to question where the relationship is going. The woman knows where it's going because it's clear the man has charted a course, he's the captain of the ship and she's in good hands. There's no anxiety, no worry, no insecurity, no endless "talks" needed, no questions.

When these courtship rituals are followed and adhered to, it's a lot easier for men and women to jump on the same page. No games. Just straight shootin'.

What a Valuable Woman Looks Like and Can Do for You


Back in the day when these courtship rituals were more widely accepted and used, a man knew that when a woman held out on him, she was a valuable woman worth having.

She was signaling that she was serious about him. She was a woman that respects herself. She didn't go around bedding down with just anyone. She was a strong woman making choices for herself. And she was smart enough to think them through without easily being manipulated and swayed. She wasn't weak. And she didn't take this lightly.

She didn't take YOU lightly.

Instead, she was viewed as a valuable woman. Because we all know that anything worth having always requires hard work to attain. When something is easy to attain, it's not that valuable. She was viewed as a woman capable of bringing out the very best in a man. As Jack Nicholson said in the movie As Good as it Gets, "You make me want to be a better man."


What he meant was that, instead of settling for mediocre, passive behavior from himself that produced mediocre results for himself, Helen Hunt was a woman that made him want to up his game. She made him want to be his best self. By not being easily swayed, her character in the movie challenges Nicholson's character to up his game in an attempt to win her affections. And in doing so, he exhibits his best self in his attempts.

Thus, literally becoming a better man - a better version of himself.

And it's her challenge to him by not being easily swayed by him that brings out his best self.

Sending Mixed Messages When Dating


There are a lot of women commenting, asking questions and seeking advice around this site, trying to decipher men's vague, indecisive, inconsistent actions and behavior:

"He asked me out, then wanted to split the bill with me. I wasn't all that interested in him, he felt more like a friend so I did. And I didn't think he was romantically interested in me because if he was, he wouldn't have asked me to pay my half for the date. But then he kept texting me. I'm so confused. If he didn't like me, then why does he keep texting me? And if he is interested, then why did he ask me to pay? Now I don't know what to do. Does he just want to be friends? Is he just trying to get laid here? Or do you think he likes me? I don't know what to do, please help!"

And she doesn't know what to do, or what the mans intentions are, or what the hell he wants from her. . .because his inconsistent actions and mediocre behavior have confused the hell out of her. So now, she doesn't know how to take the man, or how (or even if) to proceed because the man's actions aren't confidently speaking any specific language.

The man isn't communicating anything but a bunch of mixed messages. He's not participating in a courtship ritual. He's winging it like Mr. Fun Time Guy and expecting stellar results from his mediocre, half-hearted attempts.

The mixed messages that this man's actions are sending this woman are that of, "I ain't taking any of this - or you - seriously."

It's Not About the Money



When you pay for a date, it's not about the money, guys. A girl can buy her own damn dinner nowadays, and she won't have to give up access to her body to get it. Spending $20 of her own money for a dinner is a hell of a lot cheaper than being expected to pay for it by providing access to her body.

Paying for a date is about communicating clearly. Paying for a date is about participating in courtship rituals that both sexes understand. Paying for a date is about signaling your intentions for the woman, and showing her your character as a man. Paying for a date is about showing a woman that you're a serious romantic contender. And bringing your best self to the table lets her know that.

When you pay for a date it lets a woman know that - you're in it to win it.

And naturally, anywhere in life you win some, you lose some. It's all a risk and when dating, we are all taking risks - both men and women. But at least you brought your best self to the game, played fairly, and took it seriously, which builds your character as a man.

Because we all know that cheaters who take shortcuts are cowards that are afraid that they don't have what it takes to play by the rules and win - using real skills.

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16 Comments:

Anonymous said...

Mirror, thank you for yet another thought-provoking article.

I've watched As Good As It Gets several times, as well as other movies where the central theme is a woman who, through not being easily swayed, and exhibiting her best self, challenges the man to up his game and be his best self. This has always fascinated me even though I don't fully understand it.

I have an ex who was not really a good person (I only saw this in hindsight), but he claimed that this was his favourite movie. I do think that on some level, many if not most (?) men do understand this concept even if they do not practise it.

As a woman, I understand that our only task is to work on ourselves - a process that is, as you've pointed out, not easy and somewhat uncomfortable, even painful. In order for a man to want to be a better man - to win the affections of the object of his desire, does this depend on his level of interest in the woman and his feelings? On timing also? I've read your article titled "Do You Know Your Value" and would appreciate your thoughts on this as well as how we can continue to work on ourselves, as I think many women do not know their own value. Thanks Mirror.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror, I wrote on your blog a while back in November regarding a casual dating situation that ended (re: "He's not into you: Relationship Red Flags, November 12, 2015") and appreciated your sage perspective on it. We have never contacted each other btw, I accept that it wasn't meant to be, gone into therapy since then to work on the underlying issues that lead me to that point, and I've done my best to move on by keeping busy at work, sports, and other pursuits--even got a new hobby (who knew). Now, I'm asking for some advice on a new situation that cropped up 2 weeks after the previous situation was officially over.

A man who is new to my office and I have met for coffee, lunch, and formal dinner/movie dates since late November. I think he is a great guy with a good head on his shoulders, very consistent, actively pursues me (not used to this as I've always either been the initial aggressor or fell into that role), and is career-minded but I have always been iffy about office romances after witnessing one between two folks at a previous job implode. On the very first date (dinner and a live show), he asked if I was seeing anyone else, and I coyly stated that I intend to be friends first and to take my time (something I suggested to the previous guy before he said he didn't want a relationship). That hasn't stopped him from stopping by my office from time to time to chat, and I was greatly moved by the fact that he took me out to the movies a week ago after I confided in him that I lost my uncle to cancer. That was very kind of him, and I fully appreciated his support during this difficult time. No one has ever done something like this for me before.

I honestly feel free to be myself around this guy--but not fully ready to date given my previous situation, which was messy and complicated. Something about this latest connection feels meaningful, and I think that we could be friends if we decided that we weren't romantically compatible. The work issue kind of bothers me, and I feel pushed into this by well-meaning friends, relatives, and associates whilst I rather let this develop over a long span of time while casually-dating others so that all of my eggs aren't in one basket and just enjoy the process. As far as dating others, while online dating is quick and convenient, I've come across so many 'characters' there that I'm weary of using it. What would you suggest as I handle this latest situation as I don't want to push him away and would like to have something meaningful, and how do you suggest I meet others? My goal is to develop healthy relationships with others without rushing into and essentially spoiling things...or pushing a potentially well-meaning person away due to my own baggage.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 9, 9:29 AM,
"I do think that on some level, many if not most, do understand this concept even if they do not practice it."

They do. Many just prefer to fight against it, figuring that since society has changed, we as humans must have, too. But the reality is that on a primal level, biologically speaking, we all still have the same needs.

Women look for "leadership" qualities in a man because hey, let's face it - he could father your children. And mating with a man that isn't a good leader or a good provider means your offspring will suffer.

It's the entire reason that male animals like elk, deer, lions, etc. FIGHT each other for mating rights. It's because Mother Nature says the WEAK do NOT get to mate. Because if Mother Nature permits that, and the females also permit that, then species suffers as a result.

In nature, weak = no mating rights.

"In order for a man to want to be a better man - to win the affections of the object of his desire, does this depend on his level of interest in the woman and his feelings?"

Sure that helps. If a man isn't all that interested, he won't be compelled to up his game. However, that won't be the case with all men. There are still a lot of good men out there that really value their reputation, their character, their integrity as men, etc. There are still men out there that still place a high value on these things. I've had good men do things just because. . .well, because they're good men. And because their character and reputation is important to them.

"I've read your article titled "Do You Know Your Value" and would appreciate your thoughts on this as well as how we can continue to work on ourselves, as I think many women do not know their own value."

Well, that article pretty much sums it up. After that - you simply need to "live" it on a daily basis.

And if I were to add anything, I'd simply strees that it's crucial to make sure that your actions and your own behavior align with your goals and beliefs - and NEVER to compromise on them - EVER.

No amount of sweet talk in the world can compel a woman who knows what she wants to settle for less than she deserves :-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 9, 1:17 PM,
"I accept that it wasn't meant to be, gone into therapy since then to work on the underlying issues that lead me to that point, and I've done my best to move on by keeping busy at work, sports, and other pursuits--even got a new hobby (who knew)."

GOOD FOR YOU!! That's excellent news.

"No one has ever done something like this for me before."

Isn't it nice to meet a good man ;-)

"I feel pushed into this by well-meaning friends, relatives, and associates whilst I rather let this develop over a long span of time while casually-dating others so that all of my eggs aren't in one basket and just enjoy the process."

You don't have to "DO" anything here.

Don't be talked into that. Don't be talked into trying to take control of the situation and speed up the pace. . .when the pace is working just fine for both you and him. If it ain't broke, DON'T try to "fix" it.

Slow and steady wins the race.

And what you well-meaning friends and family fail to see is that while it appears nothing is happening here, something really is happening. And what's happening is that you two are getting to know one another properly, which helps both of you develop a level of trust for one another. This will provide security for you, which is crucial when dating (so you don't become insecure and begin to act out on it and possibly prevent this from happening at all).

And while that's developing for you, this man is getting to see who you really are as a woman. He's not viewing you as a sexual object or a play thing. He's seeing and experiencing the real you, and he's learning to trust you as well. And in doing so, this is all helping him build respect for you. Which is also crucial when dating.

Because if a man respects you - he won't mistreat you or disappear on you. A man that respects you as a woman CANNOT do that. It weighs on their conscious too much an they'll feel bad about it. Therefore, respect is necessary if you're to be treated well by a man.

"What would you suggest as I handle this latest situation as I don't want to push him away and would like to have something meaningful, and how do you suggest I meet others?"

Well, I'm all too familiar with the "characters" that online dating seems to reel in LOL. But in truth, I believe the real value that comes from dating online - is an education and practice. You get to develop yourself and your dating skills on men that, well. . .that you might not be all that crazy about. The outcome doesn't matter, so the risk is low. So then that way, when you meet the right man, you've already refined these skills. In that case the outcome does matter, so the risk is high - but at least you don't blow it, because you're applying all you've learned while dating online ;-)

Pisces Girl said...

Great article Mirror! i'm really glad you addressed this because i know a lot of men think that since women are independent and can provide for themselves and make just as much if not more than them that they should pay for their own dinner but these are usually the loser men who don't have a lot of ambition or success in their lives or they just never learned what it means to be a gentleman and make a woman feel special and taken care of. That's how i like to feel when im with a man-taken care and provided for and if he cant even pay for a measly dinner that signals to me that he wont be able to take care of responsibilities down the road if we were to be married and have kids one day. You're right its not just about the money -having a man who can provide financially signals to me that this man has his shit together and wont be looking at me to take care of things or screw me over financially one day. I could never feel feminine or happy in a relationship with a man like that even though i am independent and pay my own bills... 
My girlfriend told me about this date she went on with a guy in his 30's -might i add who took her to a restaurant ordered a bunch of food and ate most of it because she didn't like it and then when the bill came he actually asked her if she could pay for it and on top of that he took the leftovers to go for himself!! she did pay but after that she was turned off by him and he actually couldn't figure out why she became distant and aloof with him! btw she makes 6 figures so for her it wasn't about the money at all but more so about the way he made her feel-not special or taken care at all. When i recounted the story to a group of her other girlfriends one night they were appalled and disgusted and we spent the rest of the night making jokes about him and laughing about it. Now when she goes on dates and a guy pays she's so pleasantly surprised and impressed but i told her that that is something she should just expect because anything less is just unacceptable. A man should be a man and make a woman feel like a woman. I guess some women might say they don't mind going half or even paying for the whole date..but those same women usually sing a very different tune when they end up married to these men and have kids and are struggling to take care of household responsibilities, kids and paying bills because their "man" isn't manning up but the fact is the signs were their early on. Another thing is cheap men...ughhhh gross ewww i can not stand the cheapos! if they have money but they just dont want to spend it or feel that all women are out to use them and only care about their money that's even worse! i had another girlfriend who's ex who actually told her that she always looks at him to pay and that she only cared about the money just because he payed for a few measly dinners (she also did a lot of nice things for his ass including driving 2 hours out of town to see him)but this guy had some major issues and i told her its better to find out they are like that sooner than later. 
Anyways Mirror thanks for touching on this and i hope women always remember they are worthy of special treatment and being wined and dined and made to feel special because we are!!! and men who throw out the term "gold diggers" are idiots they just want to make us feel bad about spending their money on us so that they don't have to reach for their wallets -ladies steer clear of these lamos they aren't real men. Also never let a man live off of you in any way shape or form that's equivalent to you spending your money on them.

Anonymous said...

@ Mirror: February 10, 2016 at 4:17 PM
Thanks again for your advice; you're right that I should trust my gut here and let the situation unfold as it's meant to. I agree that keeping a slow and steady pace is what will allow me to see what's actually there rather than what I want to see. I think that was the case with the casual guy--I got so caught up in that situation, the emotions of it, and feeling like he actually cared--all while listening to lots of advice that tried to get me to "DO" something to steer that along, and it didn't end well. That brings me to another question: How do you notice and respond objectively to the red flags in dating? How does one really see that the man truly cares outside of his willingness to pay for dates?

Only after I've taken some time away from it and thanks to my experiences with the new guy can I see that the casual guy had an agenda, got what he wanted, and decided he was done. In retrospect, our initial interactions seem geared toward a hook-up (re: he grabbed my face and kissed me on the second date (I told him to slow down), arrived at our third date drunk (I distanced myself and he returned after a week), and grabbed and kissed me in the parking lot of our fourth date (I asked that we get back into the car)). He also suggested that we go out salsa dancing several times, said that he didn't just want to hook up with me, and never followed through with the activity despite having some opportunities to do just that. I guess his words were reassuring and gave me hope that our interaction could be meaningful in the long run..We did talk about his not wanting a relationship, he asked me to hang out with him after that conversation, and I didn't want to at that point. Upon listening to the advice of a relative, I decided to take him up on his offer since it was his birthday and that led to our full intimate encounter. I ended this because it all started to seem one-sided as though he felt like sex was all I had to offer, and I was confused about his intentions/feelings toward me, as well as feeling like I was compromising myself. So, when he blew me off for the Halloween party he mentioned when I ended it, I felt hurt--though understand it all could have been much worse. In a way, I'm thankful he disappeared because I don't think I would have met the people I've met since then or fully appreciated them.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 11, 9:16 AM,
"How do you notice and respond objectively to the red flags in dating?"

The biggest way to tell is when a man's words do NOT align with his actions. If a man is inconsistent, unreliable, says one thing but then does another, doesn't make your a priority, doesn't treat you special, etc. - these are all signs that spell nothing but a bunch of grief further on down the line.

You can check out this piece I wrote too for many more:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/09/he-is-not-into-you-relationship-red.html

And when it comes to responding, you don't respond to him or object with the man. That's a waste of time. People are who they are. If the man isn't making you happy - you move on. You don't bang your head against the wall for years attempting to change him.

And as far as responding objectively yourself, if you find yourself using the word "but" a lot - check yourself. If you find that you're basing your decisions on your emotions and how you feel versus logical, common sense - check yourself.

So for instance, if you find yourself saying, "He never calls when he says he will, and he never takes me out or treats me special - BUT he did do something nice for me when we first started dating, so I do think he's a good guy."

In that instance, what he did for you one time weeks or months ago has absolutely no bearing on what's currently taking place. And what's currently taking place in this instance is - the man is taking the woman for granted and not treating her well. And while yes, he may be a decent man - the reality is that he's a man that isn't making you happy. He's not the RIGHT man for you.

And this part of that statement "He never calls when he says he will, and he never takes me out or treats me special" - these are the facts. This part represents logic and common sense observations.

And this part of the sentence "- BUT he did do something nice for me when we first started dating, so I do think he's a good guy" are your emotions moving in, shoving logic and common sense aside. In this case, an emotional decision is being made versus a logical one based on the current facts. And when we use nothing but our emotions in our decision making process, it tends to lead to nothing but more of the same. It's a decision that enables the man to continue treating the woman poorly and taking her for granted, because she's permitting that treatment and dismissing the facts.

"How does one really see that the man truly cares outside of his willingness to pay for dates?"

The biggest way is to see if HE pursues YOU. When a man pursues a woman consistently for a length of time, he's interested in getting to know you. Consistency, reliability, the fact that he's a man of his word (his words align with his actions), he does special things for you, he treats you special, he calls, he stays in touch consistently, he's patient, he asks you questions about yourself, he doesn't push for sex - a steady pattern of all of the above signals that the man is interested in getting to know you. Because if he wasn't, he would bother working so hard and putting so much effort into the situation.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I guess his words were reassuring and gave me hope that our interaction could be meaningful in the long run."

When those WORDS are NOT backed up by ACTIONS from the man - they're just words. Talk is cheap.

"We did talk about his not wanting a relationship"

When a man tells you this - BELIEVE HIM.

Having sex isn't going to change the fact that he doesn't want a commitment. Hanging out with him isn't going to change that either. When someone tells you that they're not seeking a commitment or a relationship, ALWAYS BELIEVE THEM.

Otherwise, if you go along with that, you're going to become an "F Buddy" or booty call in no time if you continue to proceed forward with a man after he has already told you he doesn't want a commitment.

"I ended this because it all started to seem one-sided as though he felt like sex was all I had to offer"

See what I mean?

It's not that he felt that sex was all you had to offer. . .it's that SEX IS ALL HE WANTED in the first place. And he told you that when he told you he didn't want a commitment or relationship, ya' know?

Which is why - when men say they don't want a relationship, BELIEVE THEM.

"I felt hurt--though understand it all could have been much worse"

It could've and be thankful it wasn't. But it could've also all been AVOIDED too. Because the man told you he didn't want a relationship. Sleeping with a man won't change that. Afterwards, he's still not going to want one and you're going to feel used.

So in the future, when a man tells you that - spare yourself the pain, grief and the feeling of being used. . .by walking away from him and moving on to find a man that wants the same things you want :-)

Anonymous said...

@Mirror-- February 12, 2016 at 9:34 A: Thanks again for your perspective. I can definitely see that sex is all he wanted as I'm comparing him to the new guy from work...who asked me to be exclusive with him last night (!!) after 4 months of quietly dating. Of course, I accepted and told my folks and friends right away. I didn't want to tip my hand and ask him for a commitment because, based on your previous responses, it seems like that would be the man's job if legitimately interested. I've never been in a real relationship and he's been pretty clear with his intentions (even giving me a gift on v-day after taking me out to dinner and a hookah lounge), but am open to seeing how it goes and continuing to maintain a full life so that I don't expect and need so much from the guy. I don't really know how else to proceed save for taking it one day at a time and keeping a very open mind. Thanks so much once again for your advice =)

Lottie said...

Hi, Ms Mirror, Ladies,

It's been a while, I thought I would just say hi. I love your new article Ms Mirror. I know you have spoken about this in the past, but it's a great topic and so important as it pretty much determines the progress of future dates.

Well I have been out of the dating loop for some time now. Definitely passed the half year mark, in fact Valentines day came and went and I was not bothered in the slightest.

I have to say though, that I had a wonderful dream a few days ago. It was as simple as this: I had met a man, he was a plain, joe blogs kind of a man. Not charismatic in anyway, more the type who could blend into the crowd and you would not notice was there. In fact he was pretty non-discript. All he had done was to put his hand on my lower back, which felt like he was supporting me. But as I sat on the sofa with him, I knew he was the one. I was at peace.

It meant a lot to me this dream.

I am living my life really contently. I still have no desire to date over the internet, although having some male company would be nice now, however, I do not feel out of balance for it.

I'm catching up on all the posts. Good to see so much strength and wisdom and learning being passed on and so much growth taking place.

Best Wishes everyone
Lottie x

Anonymous said...

It took me 3 years after the break up of my 23 year marriage to find love again, but I just kept meeting these passive, indecisive, evasive, ambiguous types. Actually, they would usually pay for the date, but all of their other actions were confusing. I wouldn't have it. As soon as I got the mixed messages I was gone. Then finally, I met a man who pursued me very intentionally. His words and actions were consistent. He knew what he wanted and he went after it. I never doubted his feelings or intentions for me. We've been together a little over a year now. I feel cherished and adored. I have never felt anxious over him for even a moment.

Anonymous said...

Mirror Aphrodite-

I just found your blog and can't thank you enough for the advice. This mirroring technique really works! I had one of those disappearing episodes a few weeks ago. I noticed that his texts were becoming infrequent with diminishing attempts to see me. We work in the same building so it’s not that hard. It felt like he was slowly inching away. I was forced to look at my behavior and realized that I appeared desperate. Long story short, I didn't contact him for a week. It was so hard to do. Every time I wanted to cave in, I would read your blog for strength, lol! He sent one of those "Hey" texts on Friday. I responded on Tuesday afternoon :). He responded immediately and even came to my office for a visit and asked me to lunch. I declined b/c "I'm busy and have other plans." We went to lunch the following day and had a great time. I want to text him today, but decided against it. I don’t want to fall into the same trap again. He knows where to find me :)

Here’s my question – Is it ever okay for a woman to pick up the tab? He’s always paid and I’d like to reciprocate. I’m guessing this would fall into the chasing him territory, right?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 9, 12:45 PM,
"Is it ever okay for a woman to pick up the tab? He’s always paid and I’d like to reciprocate. I’m guessing this would fall into the chasing him territory, right?"

When you become an exclusive couple after he asks you for a commitment -- then you can pick up the tab once in a while.

But until that time, leave things be.

If you feel that he already started to inch away once because you appeared too eager/desperate. . .then don't give him that impression once again by transferring that behavior over onto a different medium - such as picking up the tab ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi, Just discovered this site and Mirror, your writing style is uplifting and so insightful. Please could you shed some of your wisdom this way. When a guy disappears, when you both are getting on well, how do u know whether he is pulling back because he is scared of his feelings developing or because he is simply bored. In my situation, it is the 3rd time in a 5 month affair that he has stopped initiating contact. First for 2 weeks, then 11 days and currently 5 days into another one. Each time I do not contact him at all but he comes back as if nothing happened. He is emotionally immature and has said this cant get serious and that he will never let it happen (i.e fall in love).

I have come on strong with him initially but have backed off once I realised how he feels about love. Please help. I'm confused.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 22, 10:47 AM,
"He is emotionally immature and has said this cant get serious and that he will never let it happen"

Your answer is right there - he's already provided it.

He is emotionally unavailable, and he will not "invest" emotionally into the situation. Which is why he's disappearing / reappearing and treating this as something casual.

If you do not want a casual relationship, and you want something committed. . .I hate to say this, but you're not going to get that from this man :-(

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your response. I guess what I was hoping to hear was there is a chance that he pulls away because he may develop feelings that he doesn't want to have. To state clearly that he will never let himself fall in love, is that not an indication of his fear of that emotion? Or am I just in denial of the reality that this is nothing more than casual to him :-(

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