"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

Don’t Wait To Be Picked, Enact Your Power

I read lots of stories submitted by women in the comments on the articles on this site, many of which contain an underlying tone of “I feel powerless, what should I do?” In addition to that, there’s an underlying feeling of helplessness that accompanies them.

I read it every single day, scores of women desperately wanting to “do, do, do” something to control the direction a relationship is moving. To speed one up to their satisfaction, to make a man date them in the way they prefer, to nudge the man along…you get the idea.

But here’s the thing ladies. You DO have power - but in many cases, you’re simply choosing not to enact it.

Let’s explore, shall we?

Two Words Apply Here: Passive Versus Proactive

Below is the definition of those two words referenced above.

Passive: “Accepting or allowing what happens, without active response or resistance.”

Proactive: “Creating or controlling a situation by causing something to happen, rather than responding to it after it has happened.”

Get where I’m going here?

I experience this everyday in the comments on this site; women behaving in a passive manner about their future and the man that may or may not be in it.

I see women literally waiting for a man to “pick” them, to reach a decision about them, literally putting their dating lives on hold after a couple of dates or a sexual experience or two. Now granted, it has taken me many, many years to understand the very valuable difference between passive and proactive.

But let me tell you ladies, once you do grasp the concept – empowering is the word.

Free Will and the Power of “Choice”

We all have free will and as such, we are all gifted with the ability to make our own decisions and choices in life.

However, with that gift comes a great amount of responsibility and accountability – for the decisions YOU make. (Heavy is the head that wears the crown…) It goes without saying that we all need to be mature enough to realize that there will be some personal responsibility and accountability that goes along with the power to make those hefty decisions.

When you choose to date passively, you have to accept that you’re choosing to be acted upon by others, thus willfully placing yourself into a rather powerless, hopeless position and one in which you may end up victimized.

However, when you choose to date proactively, you are now choosing to rule your kingdom, in total control of your future and the man who may or may not be in it, thus placing yourself in a very powerful position, one of great hope, and one in which you will not end up victimized.

It’s a mindset, ladies, and it’s a choice. In life we have to be responsible and accountable for our own actions and decisions and when you decide to passively participate in life, often you end up victimized. In the end, there’s no one to blame because you made that co-dependent decision (your decision “depended” upon someone else’s decision, instead of your own), you made the choice for it to be that way.

If, however, you responsibly make a different choice and you chose to proactively participate in life, often you end up feeling in control, feeling as if the world is your oyster. In the end, YOU are the one that is responsible for all the blessings that the universe bestows upon you for your wisdom and strength in making that independent decision for yourself.

Start to look at the world as your oyster ladies, and the men in your life as your kingdom. Instead of passively sitting and waiting, waiting, waiting for men to “pick” you, for THEM to make a decision about YOU – choose to take full advantage of all that life has to offer and of all that being a single, independent modern woman has to offer and instead, YOU make a decision about the MAN. You “pick” your man.

You have the power to do that. You have say-so in the matter. You are free to make your own decisions for yourself and you are empowered by your independence to do so.

Here’s What You DON’T Have The Power To Do:

  • Make a man love you.
  • Make a man want to enter into a relationship with you.
  • Make a man date you and court you in the manner you prefer.
  • Make a guy get his act together (i.e. remove other women from it).
  • Control the speed at which the relationship progresses (or whether or not it progresses at all).

Here’s What You DO Have the Power To Do:

  • Walk away from situations and people that do not make you happy, that make you feel used, and that do not care to fulfill your needs.
  • Be proactive about finding what it is that you want, what will make you happy, a man that wants the same things as you do and one that’s willing to fulfill your needs.
  • Make the choice to be responsible and accountable for your own happiness.

Don’t choose to be a helpless victim. Instead, grab hold of the power that is yours. At no other time in history ladies, have women been so powerful and been granted the independence and control over their own lives that they have now – right now, at this very moment in time.

Be a part of that movement, be a part of that revolution and the power that is female force – a piece of that belongs to you, and it’s sitting in your lap, right now as we speak.

Grab your crown and place it high on your head, embrace the responsibility it carries and become accountable for your own happiness – and rule YOUR kingdom with an iron fist. Send them to the dungeons never to see the light of day again, or honor them a Knight at your round table with the possibility of someday becoming your Prince Charming.

The choice is yours – the power is yours. Now what will you do with it – will you start a (dating) revolution?

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Anonymous said...

WOW! Great post and so empowering .... Love you mirror .... God Bless

Rita said...

Wonderful article .. Thank you !

Anonymous said...

Thanks MOA. Your site and sage advice has helped me so much over the past year+. Feeling so much stronger and happier these days.


Anonymous said...

I grabbed my crown with the capital B in the center of it and placed high on my head, never been so happy. Thank you MOA!
ps. B is for " Bitch" ;)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb. 21, 9:14PM,
And you know what bitch stands for dear?


Astro Baba said...

Thanks for sharing such an inspirational post.This can definitely encourage a woman.Keep it up!!

Anonymous said...

BS. Of course a woman (and vice versa) can make a man love her, date her in the way she likes, etc. Not always, but of course the possibility and the ways exist. Sit back, look at the candidates, and pick? How conveniently chauvinist (mind you, not manly but chauvinist).

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous February 26, 8:40AM,
So you think it's possible to control others feelings? And you know how to create chemistry where none exists? And I imagine it's safe to assume that you're currently in a long-lasting relationship (i.e. not a 3 month one) where you've done this and it's worked? And the only reason you're reading this article is for entertainment - and not because you're currently single and looking for a mate (because you've got that winning secret formula, right)?

So do tell my friend, what is this magic formula you speak of to control others feelings and create chemistry where none exists?

"Sit back, look at the candidates, and pick?"

ABSOLUTELY...men do this every single day. They casually date multiple women at the same time, ultimately deciding on which one they connect with best - and eventually deciding to focus their energy on that individual.

That's dating my friend. That's it's purpose and that's what it's meant to do - give you enough time to spend with people to get to know them and then see if you click with one of them - and then if you do click, you move forward with them and away from the others.

Where's the harm in that? As I said....men do this every single day and is that not the purpose of dating?


Why is this an appropriate way for men to approach dating....but not women? Why are women judged and labeled for the very same things that men are praised and admired for?

When a man is dating 3 women at the same time (and sleeping with all 3), he's a hero, he's "the man" - and all his friends look up to him and admire him and praise him.

But when a woman is dating 3 men at the same time (and not sleeping with any of them, just casually dating them), she's looked down on for it, and judged and then labeled a slut?

Why is that?

"How conveniently chauvinist"

No - how conveniently FAIR. It levels the playing field, which is obviously what many men do not want (as many prefer and feel entitled to the upper hand), attack you for (ah hem) and attempt to make you feel "less" for, to manipulate you into feeling guilty for.

Why should women feel bad, shameful or guilty about approaching dating in the very same manner that many men do? Why should women feel guilty, shameful or bad about leveling the playing field?


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Double standards exist in dating everywhere and it's not fair. Women are judged poorly for doing the same things men do every single day. Here's another double standard for you. Why is okay for men to go out and have casual sex with multiple partners and hookup with strangers they just met at the bar several nights a week - and they're considered a stud for doing so?

But when women do the very same thing, they're judged and labeled a slut and their value in men's eyes immediatley drops and open disrespect is then thrown towards them and they're expected to take it because they're now wearing the scarlet letter, which gives everyone a right to put them down?

Double standards even exist in the workplace against women to this day. Men and women are BOTH taking time off work to care for children. 53% of women have done so while 51% of men have done so. Yet 35% of women who took time off work to care for family experienced hurt in their career for doing so. While only 17% of men who did the same exact thing experienced hurt in their career.

51% of working women with children say parenthood has made career advancement more difficult for them. While only 16% of men have experienced the same. When a man takes time off of work to care for children, he's considered a "great guy and a good father" and he's admired for doing so. Yet when women do the same exact thing, they're "not focused on their career enough" and they're made to feel "less" and guilty for doing so.

Why is that?

Give me a break with these double standards. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

And when you have that magic formula figured out for how to control others and make them feel love for you, feel chemistry for you and want to be in a relationship with you...please do share that.

As a matter of fact, if you wrote a book about it...you could make a MILLION BUCKS off of the tactics. You're sitting on a goldmine there.

Anonymous said...

Mirror, this is a perfect answer, I love it. And this terrible double standard is also still felt in connection with a person´s marital status. Single women or childless women, especially when they are feminine and attractive, are often considered as "easy", whilst single, childless men are simply considered as single, childless men. Very unfair!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous February 26, 12:06PM,
Many people dear, they do what's called "compartmentalizing." They are quick to judge, even quicker to slap a label on you and then once they do, they compartmentalize you and place you in a little box with your label on it.

So "easy girls" go into one box. "Challenging" women into another. "Party Girls" into another. "Single childless women" into another. And then each little box is handled differently - treated differently - based on the label they've been given.

Here's the psychological definition of compartmentalizing:

"Compartmentalization is an unconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person's having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves.

Compartmentalization allows these conflicting ideas to co-exist by inhibiting direct or explicit acknowledgement and interaction between separate compartmentalized self states.

Those suffering from borderline personality disorder will often divide people into all good versus all bad, to avoid the conflicts removing the compartments would inevitably bring, using denial or indifference to protect against any indications of contradictory evidence.

Using indifference towards a better viewpoint is a normal and common example of this. It can be caused by someone having used multiple compartment ideals and having been uncomfortable with modifying them, at risk of being found incorrect. This often causes double-standards, and bias."

And there you have it, LOL.

When you challenge someone's belief systems or present a new way of thinking, those that fear the breakdown of their belief system "or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person's having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc." . . .they compartmentalize people into little boxes with labels. . .and they use "indifference towards a better viewpoint" which then "often causes double-standards."

Anonymous said...

I hope you know I absolutely love your site! If truly the world is our oyster what exactly should we do to get the man we desire? It's over a year since I have been in a relationship. Normally I take a passive approach in dating. Please give us some examples of what we should do if we are ready to get back out there. Thanks again

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous March 7, 11:04PM,
The best way to attract an emotionally mature, happy, healthy man to yourself....is for you to be emotionally mature, happy and healthy yourself. Like attracts like dear - things that are similar are drawn to one another. Similar things vibe off of the same energy levels and that energy is drawn to itself.

If you exhibit self control, maturity, happiness, a carefree attitude and you're just generally pleasant to be around and folks enjoy basking in that energy you emit...they will be drawn to you dear. At that point, all you have to do is get out there and mingle, putting yourself in places where other emotionally healthy individuals spend their time. Most times that doesn't involve a bar or pub or nightclub. Most times, that will involve a hobby of sorts, something that individuals are passionate about - photography, cooking, reading, education, art, sports, etc.

And then all you have to do, is evoke positive feelings in the individual:


And those that are like minded will find themselves drawn to you, to enter into a conversation with you :-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you

WomenPower said...

Casual sex: Men Vs. Women part 1

Dear Mirror of Aphrodite and ladies,

I put my reaction on MOA's comment below here because I think that it fits perfectly with the subject: Don't wait to be picked, enact your power.

MOA wrote:

"I don't advocate casual sex for women. And the reason is because women tend to fool themselves into thinking they can successfully navigate that terrain, but fail to understand that it's like shooting themselves in the foot - because when women have sex (physical contact) with men, their brain releases Oxytocin...and this creates an emotional bond for the woman. However, in men, physical contact releases a large jolt of testosterone, which has the exact OPPOSITE effect (i.e. men do not bond emotionally due to sex or physical contact.) "Even cultural and political commentators have touted oxytocin's effects, arguing that the hormone makes no-strings-attached sex impossible, especially for women.. . The way chemicals are released in the brain during intercourse is very different in men and women...In women, oxytocin is released. It's a chemical that makes women want to nurture their young and stay close. Men get a huge jolt of testosterone, which suppresses oxytocin, and that's nature's way of saying, 'Leave the nest and go sire offspring somewhere else.' So when women think they can have sex and walk away just like guys do, they're having to suppress thousands of years of evolution that tells them to cuddle.

"Bottom line ladies, when you have casual sex....you're setting yourself up to face a myriad of confusing emotions while watching the man experience great satisfaction with himself. It's not a situation to walk into lightly."

Dear MOA,

Thank you, it's such liberating information. I wish young girls and boys could learn this at school. Unfortunately, young ladies are mostly influenced by pop culture movies & stereotypes which are not reflecting recent dating reality.

For example from the recent past: Samantha from the Sex in the City. It's a myth. In real life she would be an absolute exception that doesn't make the rule. Sharon Stone in the famous Basic Instinct. The script was written by man, so it's a male fantasy-hallucination this kind of oversexed women...


WomenPower said...

Casual Sex: Men Vs. Women Part 2

Not to forget recent movies running here in Europe: Young & Beautiful (a young beautiful teenager from rich family is "exploring" her sexuality further by working as a prostitute and having sex with ugly old men).WTF!
A famous movie from Lars von Trier: Nymphomaniac. Again we're facing here the wild man fantasy: a young woman giving herself for free to everybody; not being a prostitute but doing all this for her pleasure...

The film is providing very false impression to normal women: do this and you will be powerful woman over men and will live an exciting glamorous life full of adventures... Ha-ha

I would invite Lars von Trier to read your blog! In order to see the reality with woman's eyes. I mean there are so many experiences here from ladies who proposed sex to men and surprisingly it was man who could not accept it and treated them as a human garbage as a result.

Furthermore, the porn industry business that is attacking the imagination of even 12 years old guys admitting to watching it regularly; who then become completely unrealistic to woman's sexuality. We have so many examples here of what happens afterwards if women accept "easily" and propose sex to men: it's really not funny and so glamour exciting as presented to women by media. I even read advices to women like: live your sexuality to the fullest, experience men, practices... just to become man's porno girl fantasy for one use.

That's why it's so important MOA's message here: the correct dating, courtship, respect that woman MUST REQUIRE from men and practice Zero Tolerance to red flags coming from man's behavior in early stage of dating.

I have strong hope from your blog MOA: to inspire a quiet revolution in the whole way ladies look at dating & men and change it for better. :)

I dedicate the lovely Buddhist proverb below to all ladies starting their posts here with words: If only I knew this before...

"When the student is ready, the master appears".

Anonymous said...

I am an Aquarian dating a Scorpio for 2 years. I moved across country for him. He had a lot of loose ends, still was trying to finalize divorce, his kids, then my kid(teenager), the move, new job....finances, resentment,TONS OF STRESS. He always said he felt not good enough for me. Honestly he is a gem of a guy buy no he is not wealthy by any stretch. Not at all. That was hard for me to be with someone that really I can't turn to for support. I am financially able to carry things but I had a hard time not feeling used. He has said he could never make the kind of money to contribute the way he feels is expected. I asked for some time for my son, a teenager, who had been off the charts as he hated moving away to be where we are and he is resentful and making my life hell. I tried to insulate my boyfriend from it until it just hit critical mass and I asked for time with my son and he needed to stay away for a bit. My boyfriend said I understand. Well apparently he didn't he called 4 days later mad as hell since I hadn't been in touch, came and got his things and has maintained that he is done its over, its not working out. WHAT IN THE HELL? so I freaked out and begged and did all of the crazy psycho girl things you aren't supposed to do since I am living here because of him and have no one else. Just my son and a job. Nope. No response. He said hes done and refused to speak to me. But I caught him creeping on my FB by a comment he made so I shut that down and have been off of the grid. No contact is enforced. My question. He thinks he is a loser and I am better than him, he feels he is to blame for my son acting out. To me that's just lame feeling sorry for myself talk but I don't know if it will prevent him from trying to get me back. He really is an awesome guy, I haven't dated for years and he really is life partner material. I am not young, neither is he. We are both mid 40's. Thanks

Anonymous said...

Dear MOA,

Totally love your posts... Although I try to take all your advice into practice, I sometimes make mistakes. For example, I met this nice cancer guy online and we had a couple of dates, then he disappeared (we didn't sleep together or even kissed, as I usually take things slow). I just let it be (just like you have advised previously) and naturally, he came back to life after 5 weeks of No Contact. We have a very nice connection, his spiritual views are aligned with mine and time just flies when we´re together. We talked about our lack of communication during those NC weeks and he actually confessed that he was waiting for ME to make the plans. I told him I'm very traditional and that "I don't go hunting", that I actually expect the guy to be direct, given that in my culture guys are very straightforward (I'm Colombian, He's Canadian). He smiled and asked me about "tips to handle Colombian women". I just told him to be more direct and come up with plans. We ended up the date with a hug. He´s VERY handsome and I can see that he´s used to women go after him, but that´s not my style.
The following days he texted me daily to know how my day has been etc. I was kind of low past Tue and he was very sweet and invited me for dinner. However I got confused since one of his txts were "I'm a friend you can always count on". Anyways, we went for dinner and had a great time, but apparently he had a really bad breakup a year and a half ago, and he's afraid of opening his heart again (Red flag?). Then the conversation got more interesting and he said that he wanted things between us to develop "organically" (second red flag?). Finally, I think I screwed up by dissipating mystery and tension..... I know it was a stupid mistake, but I told him. "I think let things develop organically is the right thing to do..... that doesn´t mean I don´t like you, though". He replied "I like you too".
It was such a wonderful evening, but next day he didn´t txt me good morning, so in the evening I send a txt telling him that I had a great evening and that it was very nice that he was there for me. He just replied "You're very welcome"... and then nothing until today (3 days after) where he just asked me about my weekend.
Did I screw it up by telling him I like him? What should I expect from all this? He was very supportive and caring and dinner was great, but I don´t know if he sees me just as a cute friend (I'm 25 taurus he's 32 cancer). MOA, would you shed some light to this situation?
Thanks, AC

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

It's really too soon to gather anything from this dear. It's only been one date, and a handful of conversation since he's resurfaced. There's no way to tell if he just sees you as a friend or more without more time to do so. Observing his behavior over the long haul and seeing whether or not he pursues you over the long haul is the way to tell.

Gemini50 said...

@ Ms. Mirror, great commercial on the “no sofa” site. I’ve been rolling something thru my brain from Saturday, not sure what to do with it:

I went to a movie with GF Saturday (I’m trying to move our outings to quieter venues). On the way home we saw a live band advertised at bar down the street from me, so we stopped in. It was Easter-eve and not many people. We enjoyed the music while having a bite to eat.

At some point GF tells me there is a guy across the bar that keeps watching me. Whenever I glanced over, I didn’t see him looking at me, so I didn’t pay attention to him or her comment. Well, after we are done eating, the two seats next to GF became empty and I see him come walking over. He sits next to GF and the two start chatting, she introduces us (we’ll call him P), and the two of them are having a good chat (which I’m good with – because I’m there for the music). GF is always asking about and telling our ages; we learn he is 44. After a bit, GF gets up to dance leaving me and P to chat. He’s a heavier guy, and our 7-yr age difference just isn’t appealing to me, but I like meeting new people, so I talk with him.

He buys a round of drinks, GF is coming back and forth from the dance floor to us and banters with him about men being jerks, and no real men exist. P wants to know where the “good women” are. I chuckle but don’t engage in it.

So GF goes off dancing her heart out with a little dude leaving P and I talking for quite awhile. We knew a couple people mutually from working at the same place years apart. I showed him a pic of some deconstruction work I am doing at my house, he tells me his status: single, never married, no kids, tells me he is good at putting things together (in response to my deconstruction), etc. We talk about one of my daughter’s gf’s we both know that works where he does now, and I suggest they would be a good match. He wasn’t happy with my suggestion.

At some point he tells me he was in a 15-yr relationship with a woman 8 yrs older than him, and that he doesn’t go looking for women older than him, but that seems to be who he is attracted to. I don’t think I had anything to say, I just listened.

Eventually he asked what I did for a living. I don’t like to share too much about work, so I told him where I worked adding, “because I am a boss, when I leave work, I leave it there.”


Gemini50 said...

(continued 2 of 3)

And here is what threw me for a loop:

P says with a twinkle in his eye> Will you boss me around?

Me> No

P> What if I want you to?

Me> Sorry, as soon as I walk out the door from work, I just want to be a woman.

Now P is looking at me intently, and I couldn’t believe he said this:

P> What if when you come home from work, I put you on the kitchen counter and have you for dinner?

My goodness Ms. Mirror!! How do these guys come up with this stuff? I honestly cannot believe they think it is ok to say this to a woman they just met.

I was shocked. We were facing each other. I put my finger up (the gesture for ‘a minute.’) I turned away from him, faced the bar, and with my finger up I said to the open space in front of me something like, “just give me a moment.” I caught my breath and exhaled.

When I turned towards him again, he was still looking at me and I think he repeated it again. The look on my face must have been incredulous, because now he started back-tracking. He said something like, “Not right away, I know you have to work up to things. I’m talking about keeping romance alive 5-10 years into a relationship.” (The “you” being a generalization.)

I don’t think I said a word. But what I noticed was his behavior changed. He asked the same kind of question Court Officer once asked me and now I wonder if it is a ‘line’ about how does a guy like him get the attention of a woman like me?

And what was my response?

Me (looking right back at him with confidence)> By being a man.

P just continued to hold his eyes on me and didn’t say a thing.

Gemini50 said...

(continued 3 of 3)

GF was outside. I mentioned to P that I thought she had been outside too long. He asked if I would like him to go check on her. I said yes. He did, she was fine.

While P was outside, a kid came over and sat on the other side of me making his move (really ridiculous).

When P came back in, he ran the kid off with what I’m sure was some silent male communication.

When GF made it back over, P offered to give us a ride home if I was concerned with drinking and driving. I declined. When our bill came and I reached for it, he took it and paid it.

I didn’t understand why he would take the bill (and everyone tells me my facial expressions tell all). He gave me a look as if he wanted me to know he was a man. I thanked him for paying the bill and I am sure he saw he had my attention. When I put some money down for a tip, he told me I didn’t have to do that -- that he took care of it. I said I wanted to, and left it for the bartenders.

He didn’t ask for my number, but told me he’d be back at the bar next Friday or Saturday if I was interested in joining him for a drink. I told him Friday night was out, but maybe Saturday, and left it at that.

But then Sunday night I started to recall our conversations and thought, “What the heck are you thinking girl!” I spoke to my 31 yr old daughter about it, and she thinks I’m making too much of his boss and counter comments… she said it was just a “line.” She said she’s said some pretty outrageous things at times too, and that I should meet him again. GF thinks I should meet him again. A gay friend also thought it was funny and told me the same thing as my daughter.

I have a lot going on the next couple of weekends, so if I were to go, it would only be for one drink. I really don’t think he is relationship material for me, but could be more practice for me to keep moving forward (which I really need to purposefully keep taking actions to do).

So, Ms. Mirror, does this guy deserve me showing up for one drink and a second chat? I will keep it to one drink, but honestly don’t know if I would be courting trouble -- and if that trouble outweighs the advantages of practice and my intention to keep moving forward.

(The next band date for harmonica guy is end of May – and I’ve decided I am NOT going to show up at Musician’s next gig mid-May. I also had to go to the store where Scorpio worked last week and did it on a day/time I thought he would NOT be there. I psyched myself up all day that I wouldn’t see him, and that I could handle it if I did. I was ok at first, but then had to stop half way down my list and get out. I spent the entire next day fighting sadness – I know I have to get over this, keeping myself occupied and putting myself into situations where I am meeting new men seems to help.)

thx! :-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well dear, LOL, this guy's got guts, I'll give him that. And I could almost see the wheels turning in his head as you described the scenario - but not in the way you might think. You may be surprised at this, but I'm also going to tell you to give this man a chance :-)

First of all, regarding the age, I believe that in your 20's and even 30's, a 7 year difference can be a bit of a challenge to overcome. However, there's something about hitting 40. Meaning, it's like once someone hits 40, after that, I don't think age matters as much and to be honest, 7 years really isn't all that much. It'd be different if you were 27 and he was 20...because a 20 year old is still very much childlike in emotional age and mentality. But a 44 year old man that's already been involved with a woman 8 years older...he should be a bit more seasoned as a result. So that's kinda where I'm at on the age thing here.

And regarding his remark, while at first glance it could be construed as disrespectful, ultimately, I don't think that was this man's intention. I think he heard you say "be a man" and "I want to be a woman after work" and he thought, "Oh, she wants manhandled a bit." LOL! So he threw that out there to test your reaction. And you handled that well dear because honestly, had you taken the bait there and bit on that...he may have disrespected you further - meaning, used you. Not because I think that's what he set out to do, but because had you offered it up, I do believe any hot blooded male would take you up on that LOL.

But he saw your reaction and he quickly adjusted. And to be honest, I'm impressed with the way he did so and redeemed himself. He could've become very insecure and instantly started over-explaining himself. But he didn't do that. He skipped right over it with nary a word and he - took ACTION. He didn't TELL you he was a man or that he was capable of being a gentleman...he SHOWED you.

There was absolutely no reason for this man to pick up your tab. This wasn't a date. Yet he took action and signaled to you that he was serious by doing so. Again, he didn't try to TELL you this, he SHOWED you this. He instantly showed you that he completely understood what you meant and then he proved to you that he could be a gentleman. He did not expect anything in return for his kindness or his gesture. He did not come on strong and immediately ask for a date. He did not press for your number. He did not try to kiss you and he made no further inappropriate remarks. He simply showed you what he was capable of and then he invited you to join him again, of your own free will. He was not bitter about your rejection of his comment, nor was he bitter that he picked up the tab for you two gals and got absolutely nothing in return. And there's something very impressive about that Gem, even given his original test of you with the sexual comment.

There's a movie, Battleship. And in the beginning of the movie, a young girl is in a bar and a young guy starts hitting on her. He's a jerk and he's a bit inappropriate and she's blowing him off as a result. He realizes the error of his ways, so he quietly sets out to prove himself when she makes an off the cuff casual remark about not wanting to join him because she's hungry, she's leaving and wants a burrito I think. He's like, "a burrito huh" and he walks away and she sees him leaving.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Next thing ya' know, he's entering a convenience store across the street from the roof. He's drunk and he's breaking and entering, LOL. He falls through the ceiling and into the store, setting off the alarm, crashing into the inventory and I think possibly even setting off the sprinkler system. The police show up and he's exiting the convenience store, heading back towards the bar. Everyone in the bar is now outside watching, including the girl, as he's crossing the street heading towards them. He gets about fifteen feet away, he's ignoring the police who are telling him to freeze - so they taser him. He drops to the ground, volts moving through his body, and he raises his hand...and offers the girl a burrito, LOL.

Long story short, he becomes the captain of a battleship and the girls father is a general or something, a commanding officer of his, who thinks he's a jerk - and he's now dating his daughter after the burrito incident. Basically, the jerky kid ends up manning up in the movie and saving the world from an alien invasion. At the end of the movie, he wants to ask the girls father, his commanding officer who thinks he's a jerk, for her hand in marriage. He says, "I'm in love with your daughter, and I like your blessing to marry her." Liam Niesen, the girls father says, "No." The kids like, "But sir...I saved the world." Liam says, "Saving the world is one thing, but my daughter is another." And he walks away, leaving the kid stunned. As he's walking away, he says, "You know, I'm hungry. I think I'd like a burrito." And he turns to the kid and smiles and asks him to join him. He was pulling the kids leg when he said no, intimidating him. And as it turns out...even the father was secretly impressed with the burrito stunt the jerky kid pulled for his daughter even though he never let on, LOL.

In both situations dear, yours and the story I just shared, there's a common thread....provider. The common thread is that both of the men were willing to do whatever it took, to provide. And in doing so, ultimately, they are PROVING themselves leaders as men.

This guy may have gotten off to a rough start dear. But ultimately, he redeemed himself with you in a big way. He could've walked off, he could've gotten rude, he could've been insulting, he could've gotten insecure - there are so many negative things he could've done. But he didn't....without a word, he did the RIGHT thing and he did something that caught your attention, and impressed you :-)

Go join this man for a drink dear. Forget about getting off on the wrong foot and focus on the impression he left you with instead. You must've really impressed him with your response and reaction to his test because I highly doubt this man goes around picking up dinner/drink tabs for random women out with their girlfriends in the bar on a regular basis. If you visit with him again and he turns out to be more of a jerk than a gentlemen, then so be it, act accordingly. But you won't know that unless you give it a second chance and you need to reward a man for behaving towards a woman as this man has done. As a woman, I like to encourage MORE of that type of treatment when men display it and for taking the chance this man took to even do that.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

So let your guard down a bit, go meet this man for a drink, forget about the age when doing so, and see what he has to offer you. Not money or things, but as a person and through his personality. I'm not sure if you notice this or not dear, but the universe is seeing you draw a higher caliber of men to yourself. Again, this guy may have gotten off to a rough start...but there IS a gentlemen there somewhere inside of him and he did NOT resort to childish behavior when you initially rejected him, and that too says a lot about this man's level of maturity - and confidence.

Take a chance dear - you've got nothing to lose here. You're not emotionally invested and because of that, you can't get hurt. Go meet this man (alone) and let him show you a nice evening out, full of good conversation and good vibes. And if you enjoy yourself, pass your number to him and see if he takes the lead :-)

Gemini50 said...

@Ms. Mirror,
Thank you for your response. I'll go. If nothing else, it'll be interesting, and it's just a few miles down the road from me, so it'll be easy-peasy to pop in/out.

But get this, I saw today that Singer will be playing (reminder: Scorpio is a close family friend of Singer's family.) At first I thought, Oh SHIX! But now I'm ok. I don't care. I'm not going to see her or anyone from her clan. And if the Universe has anything to do with this, I'm going to trust that it's the best thing for me.

Reading what you wrote crystalized what you've explained it so many times. Words mean nothing. Action means everything.

I recalled so many times so many men have used words to try to prove to me that they were men; and how lazy these guys were and how much work they were for me. You are right, P didn't say one word about being a man... he took ACTION. When I was confused and looked at him after he took the bill, you should have seen the look he gave me. No words from his mouth, but I understood loud and clear. And that is why I agreed at the time to meet him Saturday, but then was second guessing it after I thought about everything.

And yes, I have noticed the change in the caliber of men I am meeting. I continue to work on my "inside" and I think through your blog, I have learned to observe, observe, observe; to respect myself; and to have expectations of anyone who wants my time and attention. One thing that continues to confuse me, though, is the "woman like you," statement. I've heard it twice now. I don't see what they are seeing; but I'd like to.

I'll let you know how it goes. :)

And dear lady, I too would like you wish you a very happy birthday celebration, and send my hopes for your upcoming year to be full with everything that brings you happiness. Make a wish Ms. Mirror! {{ hugs}}

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Thank you dear :-)

Regarding this, "woman like you" - be proud of that dear, whether they're using it to insult you OR compliment you (which in your case, I believe is the latter, but some men will attempt to manipulate you into feeling bad about it).

"Women like you" - Translation: Different, Unique

In a nutshell, I believe it represents the fact that these men notice something unique about you. You have to remember that many men have a very specific expectation from a woman these days. I hate to say this but if you ask them, many will tell you themselves that most of their experiences with women nowadays begin with them saying a few words...and then the woman jumping, taking the lead, and performing like a circus monkey to impress the man and make things real easy for him. I say that with no disrespect, it's just lack of a better analogy to express the true impact it has. Although many men do refer to this tendency disrespectfully (instead of appreciating it for what it is, they take it for granted and consider it weakness).

And I know you've even seen this with GF. Here's how he may have expected it to go:

Man: Will you boss me around?

Woman: [Giggling and smiling big] I don't know, do you need bossing around?

Man: What if I want you to?

Woman: [Still smiling, now appearing very eager in her body languaege, moves closer in an obvious way] Well then we'll have to see. If you're a bad boy, I just might have to.

Man: What if when you come home from work, I put you on the kitchen counter and have you for dinner?

Woman: [Here's where the "do, do, do" starts to make things easy on him and mistake number one comes in - she immediately provides him the reassurance that she's all his - she signals that she's "down" with this - and all it took was some words.] Oh my you are a bad boy, I will definitely have to boss you around! [Giggling]

Man: [In his head - "Ding, ding, ding! Winner, winner, chicken dinner!!!" Man this is easy!]

And in a large majority of these instances, he'll be successful at taking her home that night. And all it took was about 3 minutes of his time and a few sentences. And what women don't realize is that that's the value he's placed on her, the value she's placed on herself right then and there, that then "sticks" with the man about this particular woman from that day forward - her value amounted to 3 minutes of conversation and a few words.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

And what men do not often openly admit, although if you're on the "in" with them they will easily admit to, is that they are secretly disappointed in the woman. Sure, they're still going to sex her up, but deep down inside, they were secretly wishing for more of a challenge. They were secretly wishing for something different. They were secretly testing the woman and wishing for a different outcome - one that would challenge them a bit more, much like a game or a sport, to "play" with them - and not give in so easily.

Secretly, men WANT to play the game. It's like a dance of sorts. They want the woman to challenge them on a certain level in a playful way. It's very exciting for them, the thought of corrupting something somewhat out of reach LOL. Their minds start to wonder and they start to think, "Oh this one's different, this could be fun, I'm up for a challenge - and I will win."

Ever see a guy who has available women swirling all around him - but he pines for the bitch of the bunch, LOL? She's not a bitch in a mean sense, she's a bitch in a challenging sense. In the sense that she's independent, she's difficult to pin down, she doesn't fall for swanky lines, and it takes a lot more than words to get down her pants. She doesn't jump on his calls and she's availably only scarcely. Women are blowing up his phone, but it's never "her" - and when he goes home at night, he's thinking of her, hoping she'll contact him. She doesn't, so he contacts her the very next morning, and he can't reach her. He joins his friends that afternoon and all he can talk about is this girl. And all of his friends think he's nuts because to them, it appears this girl doesn't want anything to do with him, yet he's obsessed with her. We've all see this at some point or another. And what this girl has that others don't, is a healthy sense of self-esteem, confidence and a very unique quality about her that makes her alluring and draws men towards her.

Back in the day, men referred to them as "sirens." A term that originated in Greek mythology and depicted, "three sea nymphs who lured sailors to their death with a bewitching song." In otherwords, women who drew men to them.

So take it as a compliment when you hear "women like you" from a man dear. Because what he's doing when he says this is, he's placing you into a different category than the others. He's recognizing, out loud, that you're unique and different - in a good way :-)

Gemini50 said...

@ Ms. Mirror,
I was nervous, but I went. The place was packed. When I walked in, Big Guy (my daughter’s friend) was right inside at door. We hugged, chatted about my daughter and he offered me a drink. The drink took forever, and I stood 3-feet from where Singer and her father were playing. Dad is a local celebrity in his own right. Well, he used me as entertainment, bantering with me about being late, etc. It was cute, we laughed, the audience got a chuckle out of it and he got me blushing (over the attention).

When I scan the room, I see P sitting in same area of bar where we were last week. I see that P sees me and he looks uncomfortable. Eventually, I get my drink, thank Big Guy and walk over to P. He still looked uncomfortable as I approached and I notice a woman’s bag hung over the back of his chair. I greet him and kept it light. He said it looked like I knew a lot of people. I explained Big Guy was a friend of my daughters, and I had seen Singer play out before. We made small talk about the crowd and he said he told me last week that Singer would be there and it would be crowded. I didn’t remember. He said we had chatted for awhile last week.

I said I came to thank him for paying my tab, because I didn’t remember if I had. He accepted it graciously, but still, I could see he was uncomfortable. He did not offer me his seat, and I decided I had done what I intended to do (recognize his Actions last week by coming back to see him), so I was going to leave. I thought of how to give him my number that was written on a piece of paper in my clutch, but decided I didn’t want to.

In his defense, this really wasn’t the atmosphere to talk, and maybe he was surprised that I showed up and what happened upon my entrance – but still, I wasn’t seeing anything from him to make me want to stay (like make room for me, give me his seat or invite me stay) so I told him it was good to see him and that I hoped to see him again. He seemed surprised that I was leaving, but just kind of nodded forward and said the same.

As I left, I was proud of myself. I held my own. And as I drove home I thought about waiting for my drink with Big Guy, I was only 3 steps away from the Dad (in lights). There were tons of men in that bar, and I could see many of them checking me out. As I stood there, and both the men and women were looking at me, I was in a position to look at THEM – all of them. And you know what? I felt good. I felt strong. And I felt like a good strong woman. And looking back at these men and women, I finally saw what the “woman like you,” looks like: strong, self-sufficient, fearless and wise, and soft and shy and innocent and sweet.

In those few “forever” minutes waiting for my drink, I saw so much. And I am so very thankful.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

LOL well, you win some, you lose some ;-)

I don't consider this a loss though and truthfully, I'm really glad you went back because you know what - you threw this guy by doing so, LOL, and in that, I agree - your strength came across to him again and it rattled him and caught him off guard. Yea, he was probably there entertaining another woman but you know what - who the hell cares? You had no emotional investment here, you two don't date and there are no expectations, so there was absolutely nothing to lose here for you.

And to be honest with you, I think you GAINED more from the experience - yet more STRENGTH as you, yourself noticed. You gained the confidence to do these sort of things, to follow little signals and guideposts the universe sends your way, you gained the strength to take the good and the bad with a grain of salt, you gained insight, and you gained more knowledge. I mean think about it dear, had this happened to you say, a year or two ago...you may have taken this very personally and it may have been a very upsetting experience of "rejection" of sorts or disappointment to you.

But now...now, you're a pro dear LOL ;-)

You're a pro at handling yourself with dignity and grace. You're a pro at not suffering emotionally from these situations. You're a pro at proving yourself strong and dignified to men. You're a pro at somewhat surprising them and throwing them off their game. You're a pro at holding your own, even in the face of adversity.

And I cannot even tell you dear, just how TRULY valuable all of those attributes are and will be to you in the future.

It may not seem like it just yet, but trust and have faith that you will eventually be rewarded by the universe dear for all that you're learning. For your newly found "willingness" to wisely look out for yourself yet take risks for change at the same time, navigating both like a pro and maintaining your emotional balance all the while. Each time you do something like this, you grow - stronger, wiser, more dignified and graceful. Each time you do this, you strengthen yourself and your resolve as a woman. And each time you do this and you show a willingness to take these chances and step outside of your comfort zone, win or lose, you are inching closer and closer to your destiny.

And had you spent more time there, I can guarantee you....another male opportunity would've presented himself LOL ;-)

I don't think P was playing games with you, I think he meant what he did that night. But where it gets funny is...he UNDERESTIMATED you dear, LOL, and you showed him. You showed him what a strong woman looks like and I can guarantee you, that stuck with him. I don't think this man really thought you'd have the balls to return like that. I don't think he was expecting that at all because again, men can be really childish in their expectations of women, thinking they know them inside and out and can predict the responses women will provide. And once again, you proved him wrong in your response - you showed him once again that YOU are DIFFERENT. And it's making me chuckle inside and even though it didn't work out...I still consider this a huge win for you, LOL ;-)

And this may not be the last you see of this guy either. Stranger things have happened and like I said, I do think there was something genuine about this man that night in his actions with you. I just think he totally underestimated you and he never expected you to actually resurface that night because he expected that most women probably wouldn't have the balls to do so.

But you showed him, LOL!

Enjoy it dear - it's actually another huge win for you and with each of these experiences and chances you take, you're becoming stronger and more confident day by day, week by week, month by month.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I was just taking a moment here to put myself in his shoes and what must've been running through his mind when he saw you and saw that grand entrance you made with everyone recognizing you there.

He was probably like, "Oh shit, it's her - she actually came back! OMG, what do I do now??!! What the hell was I thinking talking to this other woman when I told this woman to find me here tonight. Dammit!! What what am I going to do when this woman I'm talking to tonight comes back to the table, holy crap. Gesus, I really effed this one up. And everyone here knows her, I wasn't expecting that, she must be a cool chick - dammit."

And that's probably why he was surprised you were leaving. I bet the wheels were turning in his head and he was expecting you to stay and hang out. I bet if you did that, he would've eventually left the table and the woman he was speaking to currently, to approach you later and speak with you. I'm not convinced he was on a date - I believe he was working the room, found this woman to zero in on, not expecting you to actually show up, and you caught him mid-stride on that. Because I don't think if he had an actual scheduled date there that night, that two days earlier he would've invited you there to join him. (And if that was the case and he did do that, I bet he never does it again, LOL.)

You left him in shock (that you showed up), confusion (about what to do) and disappointment (that you were leaving and he missed an opportunity there).

You may not realize this dear, but YOU had the upper hand here - and you left this guy rattled and thrown off his game ;-)

Gemini50 said...

@Ms. Mirror,
Your posts have me chuckling... I think you are right on ALL points. Too funny.
Thank you for what you do. :-)

pisces girl said...

great content on this site Mirror - i find myself coming back here daily to read new postings and ones ive read many times over(how, when to text men) i am appreciative of this site because i realized how many mistakes ive been making and the one word i can use to describe how i feel now is empowered.

its hard to recall all the content on this site when you're dealing with a man so in my mind i just try to summarize what is most important every day. I ve learned that confidence, not acting desperate and letting a man-well, be a man by not trying to move things along with him and just sitting back and letting him take control of the situation are among the most important things. I know its hard to really summarize everything on here but i was wondering what you would say are the top most important qualities a woman should have specifically in her relations with men. It its just easier to remember a few main important points.

Oh by the way that lawyer called me again yesterday..its a nice change -a man putting forth the effort instead of it being me all the time and i feel like me holding back some is building that attraction.And he did pull away for a whole week i think he was testing to see how i would react-its always a test and this time i dont want to fail. Well he told me that he has court in a city today thats a halfway point between both our cities and now since im not planning to take the 3.5hr drive to his city anymore is it ok to meet him halfway at any point?if, of course he plans it with my in advance and has a date idea. Or would you still recommend he come to me the first time we meet?

Thanks Mirror

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror,

I absolutely love your posts, I read them with great attention.... it seems like its not as easy to break old habits though... I will try to keep it concise
I met a guy online in Dec, he's 32, really handsome guy (and a very profound cancer)... long story short we went on a couple of dates and HE DISSAPEARED January-February... I didn't care and started dating another guy... I never texted him again ;) And guess what??
He REAPPEARED in March, I responded in a super care-free manner and he invited me for coffee. It went great!! we met three times after that... he said he wanted things to develop organically (?) I agreed although part of me was wondering why he wanted to go slow (I think it was my insecurity taking over me). Also, I think he was still dealing with his past. A year and a half ago he ended up a three year relationship with his ex-fiancee...
We didn't go out in APRIL , just intermittent texting and I went out of the country late April.
Early MAY he was blowing up my phone with texts "Did I forget your bday?" (yes, he did but I didn't respond), "are you back yet?" "text me when you get back" "Are you back yet, I miss you!". Actually, I was back in town after that last text, so I responded. We met for coffee the following day and it was awesome! He ended up cooking dinner at his place and we watched a movie... we cuddled but nothing else happened. I am very prevented against getting physical, especially with him because I don't want our great spiritual and mental connection to turn into something that is purely physical. Deep down part of me thinks that since he's so good looking there is the chance that he only wants me for that and move on. THAT THOUGHT took over me...
We dated for a month and he was always considerate, a gentleman, texting consistently, taking me out for lunch and dinner... we were holding hands, kissing, sofa cuddling, but funny thing, he was also kind of prevented of getting too physical. Early JUNE, He told me he was usually physically affectionate and that he really wanted to be like that BUT that there was something holding him back. After that I just freaked out and started to feel very insecure, to overthink (aka. Is anything wrong with me?)... after seeing each other five times in one week I felt he was pulling back so I told him "Maybe you need some time alone, I will let you alone for Tue and Wed" He NEVER said he needed time though. He fell off the face of the earth those two days (ouch! talking about consequence). After that everything changed... he texted me on Thu saying "Are you still giving me space?" We met that day but he was cold and distant… after that he didn’t text until Sunday morning to go for breakfast. Although we had a great conversation, he was distant and kind of rude. At the end I couldn’t take it and told him that I wanted to know what was going on. In summary, he said that he didn’t want to hurt me and that if we went down the road with the relationship we would end up hurting each other and we would break our great spiritual connection (our ideas resonate a lot, especially regarding spirituality). I pushed even further, and he ended up saying “Its not you, I’m not ready, I want to go back the way we were before”. I told him he wasn’t letting go of his past (he still have some dรฉcor that his ex put around the apartment). He replied “Well, I’m not going to solve it here and now, right?”. I tried to be carefree and I said I respected that and that we could go out to opera next week. Then I felt hurt and texted him cancelling the opera thing… I initiated “no contact” immediately mostly because I think there is nothing left to do and I have to get over it and move on.
I REALLY like him, though. His birthday is in two days and I wonder if I should text him on his bday (breaking no contact). Is there any hope? I miss him and I feel guilty, maybe it was my fault that all this happened.
Your opinion would be very much appreciated. Namaste

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Pisces Girl,
"i was wondering what you would say are the top most important qualities a woman should have specifically in her relations with men."

1) Confidence (it's attractive to anyone, both male and female, and people enjoy being around it).
2) Independence (it's admirable, people respect it and men love it).
3) Balanced Emotions (if a man feels more like your therapist than your boyfriend, he'll bail).
4) Carefree Attitude (men like "fun" in a woman, not work, which is what hefty emotions make them feel).
5) Challenge (no man is proud of landing a doormat, but you hear them bragging about landing the hard to get girl - so be hard to get because desperation doesn't look good on anyone, male or female).

pisces girl said...

as a follow up to my last post i decided the MOA way is to make him come to me(unless i really need an escape from my city) but i think for the first date he should come to me - i told him i think im worth it but he's not obliged to do anything he doesnt want to do. Its part of him making the effort and showing me he really is serious and not lazy and if he doesnt come then i decided he doesnt get any more of my time and attention over the phone and watsapp.I know he's busy but we all are and at the end of the day the winners put forth that effort and do what is required to get the prize (pisces girl) i just have to constantly remind myself that im worthy and special and someone who deserves it.

pisces girl said...

i have taken note! thank you Mirror <3

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jul 5, 7:22 PM,
"I wonder if I should text him on his bday (breaking no contact)"

No, don't chase (and yes, that's what he'll perceive that as).

"maybe it was my fault that all this happened"

How can it be your fault when he was showing signs of hesitation from day one? "HE DISSAPEARED January-February"..."He REAPPEARED in March"..."We didn't go out in APRIL"..."Early JUNE, He told me that there was something holding him back"...."after seeing each other five times in one week I felt he was pulling back"

You felt he was pulling back because - he's been holding back since day one. And that has nothing to do with you - it's simply a sign that someone isn't ready. It has nothing to do with the other individual, it is solely the issue of the person themselves.

"he was cold and distant...he was distant and kind of rude...he ended up saying “Its not you, I’m not ready, I want to go back the way we were before”.

I think the writing was on the wall here from day one as he was showing signs of someone that wasn't ready for anything serious. All that hesitation and back and forth and disappearing/reappearing is symptomatic of someone who isn't ready - it has nothing to do with you dear - he just doesn't want a serious relationship right now is all.

wiseowl said...

Such wise words...well wriiten, thanks.
I have just been stood up on a first coffee meet...am sitting in the carpark crushed...last night mr new, wanted assurity that i would be there, a couple of times in fact during the week..hmmm...and i said of course...and was talking about a real date another time...i said hey you should just meet me first, you might not like me and may not want to see me again. So what I should have said was hold on I havnt even met you...I may not like you to go on a real first date....so this would have sent the message...im the one doing the choosing...is that right?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I'm very sorry this happened to you dear :-(

But you must always sell yourself as a "catch." Don't downplay yourself or sell yourself short by signaling that after a man meets you, he may not even like you. Because when you did that, you actually planted the "intention" for him not to want to see you. In a way, those words convinced him not to:

"hey you should just meet me first, you might not like me and may not want to see me again"

When you said that, he thought, "You know, she's right. She must be saying that because it must be her experience that when men meet her, they never want to see her again. So I'm not going to meet her at all."

You should ALWAYS let a man take you on a proper, formal first date - no "meetups" - only formal first dates, such as dinner. Let HIM do the initiating of that, and do NOT downplay yourself leading up to it, or after it. YOU are a CATCH. Period, case closed. And you always signal that to men, don't signal the opposite because if you do, they'll listen - and believe you.

"So what I should have said was hold on I havnt even met you...I may not like you to go on a real first date....so this would have sent the message...im the one doing the choosing...is that right?"

Yes, sell yourself as an independent woman that's a catch and making choices for herself. Start with phone calls first. Just like if you met in real life - meet, talk on the phone, then formal date - same process. Only difference is the "meet" part is online versus offline.

"wanted assurity that i would be there, a couple of times in fact during the week..hmmm"

Next time you encounter that, call the man on it. Meaning, "out" him for being insecure. Say something like, "I get the vibe that you've been stood up in the past because you're overly concerned about whether or not I'll show up. Have you been stood up a lot in the past?" Do that and signal to the man that you're aware of what he's thinking/doing...and YOU aren't going to be victimized by him simply because OTHERS have victimized HIM.

If you call him on his behavior, he may become more aware of how self-defeating it is and he may not behave like this as a result. And if you wait for a formal date invitation and sell yourself as a real catch, he'll be very curious about meeting you - and he'll show up to see what's up ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hello mirror!

Dating has been smooth sailing for the most part, thanks to making mistakes, then remembering I went against your advice, and then correcting my behavior so I didn't repeat the same mistakes again. :-S I hope you never take down your website, I would be so lost without your articles as reference.

Sadly, I still can't forget the Aries guy. To recap: I met him while I was on a pub crawl, he paid for my coat check so we could dance, and my friend said she could tell he was genuinely interested.

After a few weeks of phone tagging to setup a date, whether it was fear steering the wheel or my gut sounding off, I told him I'll just see him around (since we're always downtown).

He blew up at me calling me weak, and apathetic for not telling him a specific time to call me. I told him to delete my number. And he replied saying, "Why don't you delete your existence?"

We haven't talked in 2-3 months. He never circled back, however, I think I saw him 2 weeks ago with his friends (not sure if he saw me)...and this weekend, he saw me walking with a friend.

He was going to go into this store, but after noticing me, he froze while holding the door open. I was looking down at my phone, but I knew he was staring at me. He didn't go into the store until we passed by.

I actually went on the pub crawl that night, and met 3 of his buddies (I found it weird his buddies went, but he didn't). I don't know if he was avoiding me or what. One of his buddies asked for my number though, LOL.

Mirror, I know you would suggest that I move on and keep dating (I am), but is there any way I can encourage Aries to come around - without making it look like I am chasing him? If he wasn't even the slightest bit interested, I don't think he would literally freeze in front of a store to watch me walk by.

There's this singles event I'm going on Wednesday. The crazy part of me wants to get my friend to invite him, but it seems desperate.

At the same time...I was the one who rejected him, so shouldn't I be the one to make the move? I just want to start over.

Since I deleted his #, the only avenue I could really contact him is through Facebook (we aren't Facebook friends, but I was able to look him up).

- Vivian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"is there any way I can encourage Aries to come around - without making it look like I am chasing him?"

Not without pursuing dear.

"I was the one who rejected him, so shouldn't I be the one to make the move?"

You can do anything you like, although I don't recommend that. It immediately places you in the powerless position and it also places you at risk of receiving the same rejection you gave him. And him being an Aries, particularly one that's engaged you in verbal battle, he'll take advantage of that most likely.

As much as it stinks dear, when things don't work out, it's for a reason. There was a reason that you two didn't get along and chances are, that will not have changed in the last couple months, ya' know? So just realize that if you do this, you risk rejection and you risk a repeat all over again with him. If you can handle that maturely emotionally, then proceed. But if you can't, don't risk yourself over a man you didn't ever get along with well in the first place, ya' know?

Anonymous said...

Mirror I need help enacting my power! This is the third time I've written to you about the third boy I've had an issue with since I had my heart broken 4 and a half years ago. That's almost 5 years of being single! You've always been right and I've always taken your advice so here goes...
I've known this guy for 18 months, he teaches a gym class I go to. We've always flirted and 8 months ago he had a baby with a woman he's been off and on with for years but he swears he isn't in a relationship with anymore. A few months ago he tried to arrange something with me and he bailed so I enacted my power and ignored him good and proper. He disappeared and as predicted came running back. Then recently he arranged to meet me again. I was dubious given the first time but months had passed and I agreed. He took me out, paid for everything and gave me a heart-to-heart about always liking me and knowing he'd messed me around in the past but he'd changed. We kissed and had it not been for the electrifying chemistry between us when the kiss happened I probably would have continued to keep him at bay. He became obsessed, constantly texting and calling and the next day he bought me a bracelet as a belated birthday present. We arranged to meet two days later, except when I sent him an excited message a couple of hours before we were due to meet he told me he was doing something else and worse that I'd got my dates wrong. I spotted the emotional manipulation a mile off and told him not to worry but I wouldn't be messed around and sure enough he went off sulking. Having seen him at the gym a couple of days later, he came crawling back with a message and we started speaking again. He told me he refused to apologise, that he was being sarcastic in his earlier messages and he knew he'd got his dates wrong but I had over-reacted and tried to re-arrange a meet for what would have been today. Except today, I barely heard from him and when I text him half an hour before we were due to meet to ask the plan he said "aww you still want to meet, I feel honoured" but that his battery was dying so I went home. At home I got another text saying, "thanks for messing me around. I'm going out without you". You see mirror I'm not stupid and I know he's playing games and looking for a reaction so instead of expressing the sheer anger I was experiencing I gave him exactly what he wasn't expecting and apologised for the mix up, bla bla bla. When he reacted perfectly by calming down and saying "it's ok, have a good evening" I felt satisfied...for about 5 minutes and now I feel sad. Does he buy jewellery for all the girls he's attempting to lure? Is it not possible to find someone you have amazing chemistry with without all this emotional manipulation? Is this really another guy I've been a fool over? Ideally I know I need to phase him out, but he's all over my social networks and I see him at the gym. How do I enact my power? A very sad, single anon!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@A very sad, single anon,
"How do I enact my power?"

You stay one step ahead of him - and you remain, cool, calm and collected emotionally. Because I feel he's attempting to make you come unglued, so that he can give himself an excuse to play these games. He's got some major issues dear :-(

Don't engage him in conversation when he says this stuff, "he said "aww you still want to meet, I feel honoured" but that his battery was dying so I went home. At home I got another text saying, "thanks for messing me around. I'm going out without you".

He wants to be able to say this, "I had over-reacted." Because if you give him that type of reaction, in his head, that justifies him treating you this way - so DON'T give him ANY reaction at all - and DON'T respond to those types of childish messages from him. Your silence will signal that you know exactly what he's doing and that it's unacceptable to you - a guy like this doesn't DESERVE a response, ya' know?

As the article states, you enact your power by:

- Walking away from situations and people that do not make you happy, that make you feel used, and that do not care to fulfill your needs.

- Be proactive about finding what it is that you want, what will make you happy, a man that wants the same things as you do and one that’s willing to fulfill your needs.

- Make the choice to be responsible and accountable for your own happiness.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so so much for your advice on the Aries clubbing guy, mirror. I have decided NOT to contact him on Facebook; it would drive me into a deep dark place if he ended up rejecting me. It does stink though, as I haven't been dating anyone that I like as much as Aries. (I realize it's partly due to the scarcity principle at work.)

I have a question for you mirror:

Do you think a guy asking me on a last minute date is an indicator of the level of his interest, or he's just a spontaneous live-in-the-moment type of guy, or I am showing too much interest?

Lately I've noticed an annoying pattern where guys ask me out last minute. I don't mean guys I've gone on a few dates already; it's the ones I've recently met or will meet.

Guy A: He's 28. He suggested a date at a theme park (tickets would cost at least $30). I told him I didn't want a guy to spend so much on a date before determining if we had any chemistry in person, so I suggested a simple coffee and perhaps a walk. Once we switched to texting, he told me he was going out of town for a couple of weeks, but had time to meet up for a quick coffee (that same day!!!).

I turned him down saying I already had plans (while feeling annoyed at him). He said he'd come back for the weekend on one of the weeks. This past weekend, he came back for a visit. He texted me in the morning saying "I'm back in town overnight!"

I was so darn annoyed I didn't bother texting back until 3 days later. I get a vibe he thinks I'm really interested in meeting him but I'm not.

Guy B: I met him at a singles event. He's probably in his late 30's. He asked for my number before he left, then we texted the following day. He asked me out for a walk, and I suggested a neighborhood. Then one morning, he said he was free that night and asked if I was. Again, I was so annoyed I didn't bother texting him back.

I can just tell them I'm busy and suggest another day 3 days later (as you have advised to other women here), but... now I'm wondering if it indicates that they're not THAT interested. Otherwise they would try to plan it out, right?

In guy B's case, we have already met. I was not expecting a meetup that was typical of dates with people online (as you are unsure you have chemistry with the person or not so you go on a quick date). Guy B suggested a walk! This leads me to think he doesn't really want to date me.

Are these guys even worth "training" (i.e. they're nice guys but clueless) - or not?

- Vivian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Vivian ,
"Do you think a guy asking me on a last minute date is an indicator of the level of his interest, or he's just a spontaneous live-in-the-moment type of guy, or I am showing too much interest?"

I think it's symptomatic of today's society and dating culture. Meaning, I don't necessarily think it immediately signals his level of interest so much as it signals he goes about dating presumptuously and lazily LOL. It's not appropriate to assume that others time is not valuable. It's not appropriate to assume that others have no life and will be available to you at a minutes notice - yet men are doing it all the time nowadays. And I feel the reason they do this is because they've had success with it.

And I believe the reason they've had success with it is because women are being much more aggressive about dating nowadays. And what many women fail to realize is that men interpret that as "desperate." And once you've been slapped with the desperate label by a man, it's human nature to take advantage of that, even without realizing it. It's human nature to assume that because the individual is acting desperate for male attention - they'll drop everything at a minute's notice to accommodate the man.

I'm not slamming women, just calling it like I see it - and the reality is that we, as women, are partly responsible for creating these dating "monsters" that are now becoming real dating issues with men. We can't blame men completely when women by the droves are signaling to men that they're desperate for male attention and willing to do anything to receive it (even if it's not their intention) by being so accommodating to them all the time, ya' know?

That's why, from day one, it's imperative that women set healthy boundaries immediately with men - to signal to them that 1) you time is valuable, 2) you have others in your life that also require your time 3) you are not willing to drop everything and wrap your entire existence around a man 4) you are not sitting around with no life and nothing to do and 5) if they want to see you, they have to be respectful of your time and make plans in advance to do so.

If you don't do that - and you agree, even just one time - to a last minute date...then get used to it, because many of these men nowadays are acting very lazy about dating because they're experiencing an abundance of sexual opportunities by women acting desperate for male attention and accommodating them all the time, so they start to think that's "normal." They start to EXPECT the woman to drop everything and become available to them at a minutes notice - and if you do that even just once - that's the way they'll date you from that day forward. So you can't let it happen, not even once. If you do, they'll take advantage, label you as desperate, and begin to take you and your time for granted from that day forward.

"I told him I didn't want a guy to spend so much on a date before determining if we had any chemistry in person, so I suggested a simple coffee and perhaps a walk."

Don't do that dear. Don't sell yourself short and don't think of the man MORE than you think of YOURSELF. YOU are WORTH a formal first date. Remember that - you ARE WORTH a formal first date and an initial INVESTMENT from a man. If you sell yourself short and settle for less than you deserve like that, then the man will feel that that's the best he'll ever have to do with you - and he'll never treat you any better. Because if it was good enough the first time, he'll feel it should be good enough for the rest of the times as well and you'll never end up with anything other than last minute date requests for a cup of coffee.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"He asked me out for a walk, and I suggested a neighborhood. Then one morning, he said he was free that night and asked if I was. Again, I was so annoyed I didn't bother texting him back."

You know what that's happening to you all the time dear? Because you're settling for less than you deserve the very first time. If you made yourself available for a last minute date request and settled for a non-formal first date such as a walk...then that's the best you'll ever get. The man will assume it's okay to treat you this way, because you accepted that treatment on the first date. It's exactly the pattern I referred to above. Once you settle, they'll take it for granted that that'll be good enough from that day forward. So do not accept last minute date requests and do not accept cups of coffee and walks in the park for a first date.

Instead, suggest a date and time 3 days later (to signal your time is valuable and they have to make plans in advance to see you), and then suggest dinner. That's a formal first date that has boundaries set of plans being required in advance. Do that from day one, and you won't get lame date offers at the last minute from these men. But if you settle for that even just once, then that's how they'll treat you from that day forward - as you can see, because that's exactly what they're doing to you.

"I can just tell them I'm busy and suggest another day 3 days later (as you have advised to other women here), but... now I'm wondering if it indicates that they're not THAT interested. Otherwise they would try to plan it out, right?"

No, they won't try to plan it out unless you signal to them that that's necessary in order to spend time with you. They'll try to take the path of least resistance and be lazy about it instead. It's human nature to do that. And if they don't follow through with a formal date and/or agree to meet you days later by arranging something in advance - THEN you have your answer about their level of interest. If they don't do that, they're probably only half interested and/or they're used to getting what they want, when they want it - which signals they're behaving selfishly and entitled - and you DON'T want to date those types of men anyways, so when they bail on you, let them. That's how you weed the ones that aren't worth your time from the ones that are.

"as you are unsure you have chemistry with the person or not so you go on a quick date"

It doesn't matter if you're unsure or not - YOU are WORTH it, so you don't settle for less. That's how you signal your value to a man - by valuing and respecting yourself FIRST. If you do that, it's human behavior and psychology for the other individual to then BELIEVE that about you. But it all starts with how YOU value YOURSELF.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

If you don't value yourself as worth more than a quick meetup - then they won't value you either. If you value yourself as WORTH MORE than a quick meetup - then they'll value you higher. Because you're making yourself scarce to them. And it's a know psychological fact that things that are scarce and not readily abundant and available - are always valued higher than things that are in heavy abundance and readily available:

Why People Always Want What They Can't Have (Scarcity Theory of Value):


Things are perceived as high value when:

"1. Heightened attention: When something is hard to get (or forbidden) you immediately pay more attention to it.

2. Perceived scarcity: When something is scarce or in short supply, its perceived value increases. You want it more because you think other people also want it.

3. “Psychological Reactance”: People don’t like to be told they can’t have or can’t do something...The emotional part is your inner brat saying, “Oh yeah? I can’t have what I want? Just try and stop me!”

Be scarce, don't be readily available. Place a high value on yourself from day one, don't settle for lame dates, say no and suggest something else instead. Don't ever be available for last minute date requests, instead suggest something days later and make plans. If the man balks at that - let him go - because you don't want to date men that aren't willing to lift a finger to impress you anyway ;-)

pisces girl said...

"Don't sell yourself short and don't think of the man MORE than you think of YOURSELF. YOU are WORTH a formal first date. Remember that - you ARE WORTH a formal first date and an initial INVESTMENT from a man."
I always love what you have to say and it is such a great reminder to us women that the number one most important thing is to value ourselves and realize our worth. Some of us are born confident and knowing our true worth and some of us need to work on this daily so that no man can come into our life and bring us down. That's why I visit this site often. I love your responses and your sense of humour make me chuckle and I feel uplifted and empowered. There is always a light bulb that goes off even though much of what you say is really just common sense! i guess its true that it's not so common! lol And I think to myself I should of known that..but that is life you live and learn and unfortunately your thoughts about someone can be skewed when your emotions are involved.
So Mr Credentials latest status is "silence is golden" and yesterday it was "rejection is good for ya, it makes you a better rebounder" wtf? so is he already trying to forget me and rebound instead of trying to pick up the phone to see why ive been silent. I would of told him that I didn't appreciate the 3 late night phone calls on Saturday night after a night of him drinking (i'm sure he was). I guess right now im just second guessing myself and wondering if I should of just replied to his message on Sunday and told him that i would appreciate if he calls me earlier in the day because not speaking and not communicating doesn't resolve anything and i feel like if we never speak again i wont have closure. But like i mentioned in my previous post there were also other factors that bothered me about him-his ego, the distance and him requesting i meet him halfway and then shutting down that idea altogether because it needed more planning and then the not reaching for my wallet comment(cant get over that one!)lol...i would like to talk to him again because sometimes i get lonely and i did enjoy talking to him (even though he has a tendency to talk over me) but i wish he would just call me at an appropriate time because i don't wanna have a text conversation-i used to love to text and now as i get older i find i don't enjoy it as much i would take a phone call over a text any day! just not at 2:30 in the morning! when i try to tell my girlfriend this she says im just finding reasons to push him away and i shouldn't complain because he's still a lot better than most of the guys ive dated or was getting to know in the past..this may be true but why should i compare him to the worst when i should be comparing him to the best. There are true gentleman out there like your male friends who told you they wont date at all if they cant treat a woman the way she deserves to be treated. i respect that. I wish every man had that mentality but unfortunately a lot of women as you mentioned have got them accustomed to being lazy and not making any kind of investment. It's frustrating.

pisces girl said...

I'm wondering if it would be appropriate for me to message him now since its been a few days and he was the last one to message me just to let him know the things that bothered me. I want to but i don't because im stubborn too and i don't want him to think that i cant stop thinking about him or im afraid to lose him....ok so i guess i wont... LOL i just answered my own question. If his ego and pride are too big to try to call me and he wants to use the silent treatment on me too than it's his loss and even if my credentials don't measure up to his at the end of the day his law degree wont keep his bed warm at night nor will it bring him happiness which he is obviously lacking because he told me he just wants to be happy.
Putting my thoughts into writing helps me sort them out and see things more clearly.
I need to read Relationship Red Flags again lol but it sucks because i really thought he was into me and he even told me he was:( when i messaged him to tell him i appreciated his call during the day when i was at work he said "turnin it up a notch..im into ya" but right now his actions speak louder than words and your right that is the only thing we need to pay attention to-do his actions align with his words or does he act like he can live without me. He may look good on paper but that is not enough at the end of the day and now it really makes sense why as women we should never invest too much initially because the person who invests the most(time, money, emotions, body, being inconvenienced etc) has the most to lose and will ultimately be hurt the most if the relationship or would be relationship comes to a dissolution.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Pisces Girl,
"So Mr Credentials latest status is "silence is golden" and yesterday it was "rejection is good for ya, it makes you a better rebounder"

LOL! See how these men truly understand ACTIONS versus WORDS? This guy knows EXACTLY what's up - and he also knows EXACTLY why this happened. He's clearly not used to rejection on any level and this is eating at him so bad, he's lashing out on FB about it and blasting what's going on in his head there. So you see, he's NOT as "put together" and "refined" as he sells himself to be. If he were, he wouldn't be putting his personal stuff on display like that and letting the world know he was rejected.

"is he already trying to forget me and rebound instead of trying to pick up the phone to see why ive been silent"

He may be dear - so be prepared to let him go. Always be prepared to let the rude ones go. But I can see that this really stuck with him and that he's thinking about it a lot, so just sit tight. These are the kind that can resurface a month or two later, you never know. But if he does resurface, do you really wanna' date a man that treats you arrogantly and calls you names like he did anyway? It's something to think about. Personally, I feel he got what he deserved - and he SHOULD be thinking about what he did AND feeling a bit bad about it as well. So let those thoughts germinate in his mind for now.

"I guess right now im just second guessing myself and wondering if I should of just replied to his message on Sunday and told him that i would appreciate if he calls me earlier in the day because not speaking and not communicating doesn't resolve anything and i feel like if we never speak again i wont have closure."

You don't really need closure dear. Your ego is making you think you do, but in reality, you don't need that. You don't need it from a complete stranger, which is what he virtually still is. And had you picked up the phone and responded - he would NOT be learning the lesson about how to properly treat a lady that he's learning right now....because he would have never been left on his own to think about it, the way he's doing right now.

"just not at 2:30 in the morning! "

Phoning a woman at that time is downright disrespectful. It's a "booty call" - and that's disrespectful.

"when i try to tell my girlfriend this she says im just finding reasons to push him away and i shouldn't complain because he's still a lot better than most of the guys ive dated or was getting to know in the past"

I'm sure your girlfriend means well but honestly, she's a real hoot LOL. So basically, she thinks it's better to "settle" for his piss poor treatment and name calling because it's slightly better than those you've dated in the past LOL??? Umm....NO. And I can't even believe she's encouraging you to date a man that called you names, that's pretty astounding. She's encouraging you to date a man that:

1) Called you names.
2) Implied you need to pay your own way to spend time with him.
3) Has a tendency to talk OVER you, instead of talking TO you (arrogance and ego)
4) Phones you at 2:30AM for booty calls

I would never encourage my girlfriends to date men that treat them that way.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"why should i compare him to the worst when i should be comparing him to the best"

Exactly. I hate to say this dear because I'm sure she means well but honestly, your girlfriend is going to end up some mans doormat someday if she continues thinking the way she does about men :-(

And here's the thing. When you started using these tactics, a man that was better than the rest suddenly showed up in your life. He's still not treating you the way you deserve to be treated though. So moving on from him, will only permit an even BETTER man to enter your life. With each step you take making the right decisions for yourself and not settling, you are making room in your life for even better men to enter it.

If you take her advice, you'd stop right here at him - and he would be the best you'd ever get. I personally do not feel you need to settle. Because you do not NEED a man in the first place. You have a job, home, car, your own money, you can take care of yourself - so why do you even need to settle in the first place? You don't. You're not desperate, you don't really need a man, you can take care of yourself - so don't take her advice and act like you are desperate by settling for less than you deserve.

"I'm wondering if it would be appropriate for me to message him now since its been a few days and he was the last one to message me just to let him know the things that bothered me."

I wouldn't do that. It will only lead to confrontation and it won't end well. It won't solve anything, it'll actually make things worse because he'll get defensive and most likely - verbally attack you with insults. If he really is into as he claimed...in a month or so dear, after he's licked his wounds and repaired his ego, he may circle back around. And if he doesn't, then guess what? He wasn't as into you as he led you to believe, which means he was just using words to get himself ahead and he wasn't being genuinely honest - and you don't want to date those types anyway, ya' know?

pisces girl said...

Thank you kindly for your response Mirror I can't tell you how much I appreciate you caring and sharing your thoughts with me. He actually doesn't have Facebook which was definitely a plus in my books! I was referring to him updating his statuses on watsapp (a messenger on your phone similar to BBM). I had to delete him from my contact list though because I hate to admit this but I found myself obsessively checking to see when he was last online and his status updates and his profile picture all week so I blocked him. Today I was curious about him so I unblocked him :( he was last online yesterday evening. His current status -'zero to 100 real quick' whatever that means... Its been a little over 1 week now since we last spoke on the phone and to be honest Mirror with each day that passes i just start to see his real colors more. He said he was into me but obviously not enough to pick up the phone to see what's up. He wants to stay silent and think that perhaps ill give in and call him because i should be chasing after him since he's got all the credentials but i wont give him that satisfaction. He's acting like a female right now taking on the passive role and doing nothing instead of letting go of his pride and manning up and that is a huge turnoff along with his arrogance and ego and the biggest turnoff of all turnoffs was him implying i should pay. And i know normally that late night phone calls are for booty calls but since he lives in a city 3 hours away im not so sure it was that but it was definitely an annoyance because i want to talk to him during the day not when im half asleep and i think overall it just lacked consideration. So yeah that is where things stand with him right now-no contact on both ends. It's been hard because there have been things i wanted to share with him about my week and i wanted him to let go of his pride and call me but he's not budging. So he can win this battle and ultimately lose the war if that is what he wants. IF you think he'll come around in a month or so ill tell him where to go or continue to let my silence speak because i don't have time to waste. Here in Canada summers are VERY short and if he lets that much time pass -time that he could of been spending getting to know me better and planning another visit to come see me while the weather is still nice and warm ill just have too much anger and resentment towards him. i wouldn't be able to just pick up where we left off i just wouldn't have the desire to do that with someone who takes my time for granted and thinks ive been sitting around waiting for their ass to circle back around. Ijust have to keep reminding myself that actions speak louder than words and if he was really into me he wouldn't allow this much time to pass without talking to me. As for my girlfriend she is a real hoot and i don't take any advice about men and relationships from her because her life is in shambles right now because of her ex-he turned her life upside down and devastated an shamed her:( so she is not someone i would turn to although i know she comes from a good place and means well.
This site has been my saving grace when ive felt so down and low because of the way a man has made me feel. I need to enact my power as a woman once again and brush myself off and keep my head up and have faith that whatever is meant to be will always find a way...

pisces girl said...

Update-mr credentials called me yesterday! But I missed his call.You were right Mirror he has been thinking of me and probably wondered why I wasn't blowing up his phone.Im not sure if he will try to call me again or if I should call him back. The case of the missed call...im just happy he has still been thinking of me and realized im not desperate to be with him

Pisces Girl said...

Mirror im an idiot:( in a moment of weakness I text him last night(its been 10 days since we last had a phone conversation and as you know I missed his call this past Saturday and was thinking he would try to call again or message me but he didnt :( so I just said hi and no response till this morning- he just said hi-glad to see you didn't delete my number- lucky me. I responded with an lol and told him I just needed to take a step back and he said that was pretty selfish of me to do without notice and I said yeah well people do a lot of selfish, inconsiderate things I guess that's the way of the world nowadays and then he said he wasn't expecting remorse because that trait doesn't align with my choice (whatever that means!) and then I said I had my reasons -no response.
As if I should be remorseful for ignoring his weak attempts to contact me-one of those times being in the middle of the night after a night of drinking and partying with friends and even though it wasn't a booty call cause he lives in a different city it was still rude- not to mention him suggesting we meet halfway and then cancelling that by saying we should plan it out when the day before he was telling me to be spontaneous . I asked him if he was still leaving tomorrow on his trip which he had told me about from before and he didnt reply to that either. so you were right this guy is totally arrogant and has a huge ego and wants me to chase him. I know I shouldn't have bothered texting him but I justified it to myself by saying I was just replying since I didn't initiate the last call or text. I am bothered now by his lack of communication and willingness to try one last time to call me and figure out why I made my choice to not reply to him sooner. I don't understand how he could get over me so quickly -just like that after the phone conversations and the weekend we shared. I guess his rebounding helped....and im alone once again and feel like an idiot for even trying to communicate when he's clearly stopped caring. So I blocked him once again on watsapp and I will never call or message him again. It hurts cause he at least took my mind off my asshole ex and did have a lot of qualities I was looking for in a man.I just feel like with him he would always make me feel like Im less than because my credentials don't measure up to his and I don't earn as much. Anyways im done. This hurts. Another disappointment but maybe I just dodged another bullet.

Anonymous said...

Hi MoA, love your website. Could you please give me some advice on a recent situation. I believe I did try to enact my power but then chickened out and left him confused...? There is this guy at my company I know though he lives in a different city. This weekend we had a work trip and there was a big party on one of the nights where he was chasing me pretty much all night. Whenever I'd look up, there he was!

I like him and must admit I was very much flirting back with him. However I ended up drinking quite a bit and though I didn't do anything embarassing, I did keep saying I felt so drunk and at one point, we went to sit down outside cause I was feling too drunk (I feel bad in retrospect to have not come across as someone in full control of herself because that's how I normally am)! We had some good conversations and continued flirting. Then he said we could leave the party if I wasn't feeling well and so we left to go back to our rooms (we were all staying in the same hotel).

However, when we said goodbye, he was clearly looking for me to invite him in and was hinting at such but I just gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and went off to my room. The next day we didn't really talk to each other and that evening, I left for my city.

I now feel like things may have gotten a bit awkward...I feel like he thinks he just wasted his whole evening chatting me up and I basicaly led him on and then backed out. Do you think I should send him an email in a few days saying thanks for taking care of me when I'd had a bit much to drink?

I think that things got a bit out of my comfort zone where I was flirting a lot but then it's not really my thing to sleep with someone unless I'm in a relationship with them. Please advise! :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 21, 3:12 PM,
"I feel like he thinks he just wasted his whole evening chatting me up and I basicaly led him on and then backed out. Do you think I should send him an email in a few days saying thanks for taking care of me when I'd had a bit much to drink?"

That's up to you dear. But here's the thing....just remember this - a man that is genuinely interested, will NOT be deterred by one missed opportunity. A man that is genuinely interested, will keep coming around, facing the challenge head on, determined to win the woman of his desire over.

A man that gives up because he didn't hook up easily one night at a group event...probably isn't the kind of man you'd want to be dating anyway. A man seeking a quick and easy hookup, and then disappearing when he didn't get it...is generally not the "right" man to be focusing energy on, ya' know?

Anonymous said...

I’ve written you often & you help me a lot. I have been in a relationship on/off for 5 years. I’m 29. He’s 43. The first 2.5 yrs revolved around this loving, handsome, sweet guy & I trying to deal w/ his serious 20 yr drug & alcohol problem that I didn’t know he had when I fell in love w/ him. I convinced myself I could help him. He made some good changes but continued to use these substances & lie about it. So, I left him. Then, He did rehab for 3 months. He did great & begged me to get back together. After 5 more months, we started dating again. At this point he’s been sober 8 months. We dated 4 more months then he wants to move in together. We start looking for a house. He has now been sober 1 year & goes to weekly meetings & is a Sponsor for others. A few times after we started dating again I suspected him of using - he seemed off. I confronted him & he said he hadn’t used drugs or alcohol. So, I said ok, I trust you, I’ll believe you. Once or twice, I was sure of it, though. I gave him a drug test from the store they were negative. We bought the house (in his name) this April. We moved in, then he falls off the wagon in June. Everything seemed great. Nothing bad between us & he just goes gets drunk. When I confront him, he said he wasn’t on anything. It was obvious so I took him to hospital & made him do a urine & blood test. We sat there for hours and still he said he was sober, until 4 hours later the test came back & he was twice over legal limit for alcohol. I was crushed. The lying felt worse than the drinking, honestly. He swore was the first time in the 1.5yrs that he drank-no drugs ever. I ask him about the other times I suspect him & he says THIS was first time. Back on the wagon next day. His support group confronted him day later. I ask him again in front of them if he had been drinking the other times & he said no. I said I could love him through this 1 slip up, but never again. I don’t want this for the rest of my life – lies/addiction. I don’t have kids & I want to feel confident about the person I choose to have kids with. Today - He’s been truly Sober since first week of July (3 months) & he tells me last week that he needs to be “honest” in order to like himself, move forward, do things right. So, he tells me that all the times when we were back together, he had been drinking in secret. All the times I knew in my gut I was right, he lied to my face. The drug tests I gave him didn’t test for alcohol, so came back negative. I feel betrayed & unloved. I know it’s an addiction but this is MY life. He started the drinking in March & we bought the house in April. It continued til he was caught at the end of June. I would’ve never bought the house & moved in w/ him if I knew. In fact, we wouldn’t be together at all. I’ve now learned that June was not the first time & I was being lied to for months, though he was still going to meetings & “faking it”, it was all a lie cuz he “thought” he could still drink. Mirror, I don’t know what to do. I already had worries about us & I do love him but I also hate him! I know that’s a strong word & I won’t always feel that way, but it is how I feel now. For 5 years this has been going on. And the year we try again & I believe we are good, he’s still lying to me. Today I broke down about it again, cried & fussed w/ him, & he said, but I’m good now.I’m sober & doing it right. He wants me to try forgive, forget, move forward w/ him, but I don’t know how. I am in so much pain. Don’t I deserve to have someone who loves me enough to be honest w/ me and treat me right? Are there such men in the world? At first I thought I could give it til May & see what happens, but a part of me just wants to say “screw this…I’m outta here”. We work together & I would see him daily, which would be hard, but staying might be worse. I would appreciate your words of wisdom. They have gotten me through so much in the past that I have a lot of hope you can give me some clarity now.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous September 28, 8:34PM,
"I could love him through this 1 slip up, but never again. I don’t want this for the rest of my life – lies/addiction."

You need to think about this dear. And I mean seriously think about this. Because here's the thing - addiction - is NOT curable. It's a disease that once you have it, you ALWAYS have it. Your entire life, you are fighting it, attempting to manage it, attempting not to relapse - and mind you, relapse is a part of recovery - your entire life, you live with this disease.

And many times, addicts will revert back to addictive "escapism" behavior when under stress. When they're feeling pressure or under stress, that is when they become vulnerable to a relapse. They revert back to the things that could provide an "escape" of the reality of real life and the problems that need overcome. And those things that provide escape are drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex...whatever their addiction is.

So if you choose to be with this man dear - you WILL be dealing with this for the rest of your life, and so will he. It will ALWAYS be a part of your life. And it will ALWAYS be something you're both living with. Even people who are 20 years sober still living with managing their addiction daily. Some people do well for long lengths of time, then relapse. Others stay clean and lifetime and properly manage their addiction. But either way, the addiction is there for a lifetime.

"Don’t I deserve to have someone who loves me enough to be honest w/ me and treat me right?"

Absolutely dear. But here's the thing - going through life with someone fighting an addiction, decreases your odds of that, and you need to understand that. He's struggling to even be good to HIMSELF dear. He struggles to treat even himself well. When someone is fighting a battle like that, they have very little left to give to someone else, ya' know? I'm not saying sobriety is impossible, people do it everyday. But I AM saying that you need to be realistic about what addiction truly is....which is a lifetime battle. And it can rear it's ugly head again at any time, even years later. That doesn't mean it will. I'm just trying to get you to understand that addiction isn't something you have once, fight off successfully - and then boom, you're good, it's gone, and you never have to deal with it again. It's just not like that dear, it's a lifetime battle and it stays with you always. And it does ruin relationships, and it does ruin lives, and there are some people who are never able to save themselves.

Again, that doesn't mean this is what will happen. But you need to realistically understand that being with an addict means that this CAN happen again, and that this is a lifetime battle. It's a disease that's needs managed over the addicts lifetime. It never goes away. And many addicts don't even experience a successful recover until they hit their "bottom" - rock bottom. Meaning, they've lost relationships, familial relationships, jobs and work, a home, etc. - the things that matter. If an addict doesn't reach a rock bottom, sometimes they never decide for themselves that they want to change. They try, but if THEY do not truly want it, they have trouble recovering. They can't recover because others want them to. They have to reach a bottom that forces them to recognize they've lost important things and they have to want those important things back more than they want their addiction.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Have you gone to any classes or support groups yourself? Something like: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

They have support groups for those living with addicts and alcoholics. They teach you things about the concept of enabling, and also about setting boundaries, and share their stories, etc. because living with an existing or recovering alcoholic/addict is not an easy task dear. And people in those situations provide support to one another.

Maybe attendance at a local support group can help you dear. It can help you understand what you'll be living with, how to manage it, understanding addiction itself and receiving the support of others along the way. It may provide the clarity you seek - knowledge is power dear.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for responding so quickly, MOA. Today is my 30th Bday! Ouch! LOL...and you have given me the greatest gift - clarity. I am not willing to fight this forever with him. I do love him, but not enough to martyr myself, and the things I want in life, so to speak.

I have read some books and am attending Al-Anon. I usually just listen but last night I shared at the group and it helped a lot. I am going to try and go at least a couple times a week until I feel confident enough to end it. And even after so I can stay strong. I just feel scared right now, mostly that I will get weak and go back and I don't want to do that. Thank you so much, MOA. You have answered probably 10 or more of my questions regarding life and love and every time I gain so much clarity and peace from reading your words. I am grateful for what you are doing here. Thanks again - Kate

Anonymous said...

I start dating my boyfriend 5 years ago he is 43 now, he initiated all the contacts, taking into account that we both work toghether and we are diplomats, which means that we have to travel for posts. However, everything started when we worked at the same department, I noticed that he is kinda interested in me, but I wasnt sure as he has a strong personality and sometimes it is hard to read what is going on on his mind, so I said to myself I wont think about it unless he makes the first move, and he did by asking me out for a date, we enjoyed it a lot and the chemistry between us was awesome and he told me that he wants a real relationship but indirectly fearing to scare me off, but at that time he was posted in another country, though he manged to come every 2 months so we can meet, he is divorced since more than ten years and he has a son, who is living with him, I let him know indirectly that it wont be a problem and that I like the fact that he is taking the responsibility of his son...however, he has been very supportive and he gave me lots of advices and so, he used to tell me that he is very proud of me, but the problem is that I felt that after two years of being together he didnt make any serious move towards commitment, I was 26 at that time, so I told him that I'm ready for a relationship, he said he just needs sometime, and I kinda agreed and was ok to the idea, but then he started to back off slightly, he decreased his visits to our country, I was very confused, I didnt want to push myself on him, but I acted as if it is not a big deal. Then, his next visit after we had "the talk" , he didnt ask me out, and that was the first time to behave in a such way, I was frustrated and dissapointed as you can imagine, so I decided that time has come to move on, I kept him on my friend list on Facebook but I never initiate any kind of contacts, but only replying to his few messages about how everything is going and so, and I met another guy who was very interestd in me, so I said to myself why not giving it a shot. Anyway, to cut the story short, he knew about it from a common friend, then he came and told me that he wants to marry me and that was after 8 months of him acting cold, I couldnt believe myself when he said so and i was extremely happy, and I told him right away that I accept, I stop contacting the other guy immediately as we were in the very early stages of knowing each other. However, he started acting cold again, and told him manytimes that this isnt not the kind of behaviour that I would cope with, but he continued anyway, so after 8 months and I decided that we need a real confrontation, so I called him and I said that in a nice way that I want to travel as I don't see any serious steps from his side, and he was very reluctant coz maybe he thought that Im not serious, and he stopped all contacts...so I took the descion and by that time, his post abroad was about to end and he came back just 3 months before I leave to another country, he tried to contact me, but I refused in the beginning coz I was very mad at him, and he didnt stop even after that I stared my new post, anyway we met 1 months ago and we talked about everything except our relationship, he is still in contact with me, he is very supportive, and always there when i needed any advice, but the problem now is that I dont know his real intentions with me, is he going to commit or no, now I dont do anything I m just watching what he is doing, I cant dare to start the talk again, i dont want to appear desperate but I'm so in love with him, we are having very nice talks and I dont know what to do?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 7, 12:08 PM,
I hate to say this dear, but his man is already on his second chance here...and has already destroyed an opportunity for happiness for you with that other man...and he is STILL not committing.

Ever hear that old saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

He's already on his second chance here dear, you took a stab at this twice with him and nothing has changed. The unfortunate reality of that is that....he is NOT going to change dear. He is not ready, nor does he appear to want to enter into a permanent commitment here. And regretfully dear, there's nothing you can do to change that.

You can't control others, only your reaction to them.

So having given and invested 5 years of your life and TWO CHANCES into this man...and seeing that nothing's changed...I think you have your answer dear. I think deep down inside, you know and understand what this means.

This guy doesn't want to commit to you, but he also doesn't want to see you commit and be happy with anyone else either - and that's selfish. It's just plain selfish, and it' the equivalent of stringing someone along. He wants this "situation" with you to remain in place because it's convenient for him...but he's not really thinking about YOU or your happiness or fulfilling your needs at all dear. It appears that this is all about him :-(

You're free to do as you please here. But remember...you've invested 5 years into this and granted two chances already. It's not wise to let another 5 years of your life go to waste on someone who doesn't want what you want dear. So base your decision on what's best for YOU, not him. Because he's not thinking of anyone but himself here anyway, and you weren't born of this earth to sacrifice your happiness and the things you want in life -- just to make a man happy and grant HIM the things HE wants in life. You weren't born to be convenient to a man...so just remember that when making your decision dear. You deserve to be happy :-)

Anonymous said...

Mirror, I am breaking up with my boyfriend next week. We have had a terrible 4 year relationship full of drug/alcohol abuse on his end and tons of lies, as I have told you before. I finally feel like i have the strength to end it because i want more for my life than to commit to that. And I really haven't had any feelings for him other than friendship for the past year.

So, here's the thing. I was asked to go to dinner tonight with a bunch of friends about 6 or 7 maybe. One of the guys that will be there is really nice and cute and has peaked my interest. Other than speaking once or twice among friends, we haven't had other communication, but I told my best friend that I would like to get to know him more when I am single.

So, when this opportunity to go all hang out came up I thought it would be fun. My friend thinks it isn't cool to go because I haven't broken up with my boyfriend yet, and so it wouldn't be right to go. I honestly didn't think it was a big deal because we'd be with a group of non-dating friends. I have enough self-control to not flirt with the guy, but to just engage in conversation with everyone. And if my boyfriend asks me what i'm doing tonight, I wouldn't have any problem telling him all who i went out was and i wouldn't feel guilty about it.

So I decided to ask you for an unbiased opinion. I want to do the right thing. That's what is most important to me.

I can't lie and say that this guy isn't interesting to me, because he is. And, it is even a small reason for me finally ending this relationship that has been terrible for so long. Not because of an interest in this guy, but because the "spark" of interest has made me realize that life does exist after i end this relationship. I think i stayed for so long because i didn't think i could find love again. I'm not saying this guy is it, i'm just saying that now i see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm ready to finally find the love that i deserve, wherever and with whomever that may be.

I would like to add that I will be breaking up with my boyfriend as soon as he returns from his weekend away. I have been trying to find the right time to do this for a few weeks now and realize that no time will ever be good, so it just needs to happen so we can both find happiness and love again someday.

Thanks mirror

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 15, 8:48 AM,
Life is out there dear, all you have to do is reach out and grab it :-)

I'm not telling you to reach out and grab this man you're interested in LOL, but I am telling you that yes, there will be life after your current relationship ends. And the fact that this other man has sparked something in you, validates that the current relationship you're in is most likely already over in your heart and mind. So yes, the sooner you remove yourself from the situation, the better you'll feel. You'll most likely find a sense of relief washes over you. You probably don't realize just yet how much of a burden your current BF has been due to his alchohol/drug abuse. That kinda stuff weighs you down more than you probably realize at the moment.

"My friend thinks it isn't cool to go because I haven't broken up with my boyfriend yet, and so it wouldn't be right to go."

I don't understand that type of thinking. Meaning - because your'e in a relationship, you shouldn't go out solo and enjoy an evening out having dinner with friends?? Are you supposed to be a shut-in because you're in a relationship? Are you not supposed to leave the house with anyone else but him because you're in a relationship?

I mean - this is just a dinner we're talking about here. Nothing more. And I see absolutely no reason why you shouldn't go. It's completely harmless - whether you're breaking up with your boyfriend or not.

Now naturally, I'm assuming you'll go an enjoy yourself, and you won't let on to this man that there's any interest just yet in an obvious way. I'm assuming you're not going to get drunk and throw yourself at him LOL. And I'm assuming that you're wise enough to understand that pulling a 3rd party into the drama of your current relationship is unwise - because you'll risk losing a chance with the new guy if you do that. You don't want to involve him in any drama, he could see that and run. You want to handle your current situation first, and simply get to know this other guy at the moment as a casual acquaintance.

And under those circumstances, I see absolutely nothing wrong with joining everyone for dinner and an evening out. Frankly, even if you weren't going to break up with your BF, I'd still see absolutely nothing wrong with going for an evening out to dinner with friends. Even if there is someone there that sparks your interest, conversation is harmless and so is having casual acquaintance friendships with others. So either way you slice it dear, I see absolutely nothing wrong with this.

And I hate to say this, but I think your GF is advising you to behave as an insecure woman. She's advising you to behave as a prisoner to your BF. She's coming at this from the perspective of - when you have a BF, you have no life - because he IS your life. And that's wrong. That's how insecure women that fear losing men behave. They willingly hand over all their power to their man. Confident, strong, independent women do NOT think or behave like that. And they also realize the value of conducting a life outside of their man - whether in a relationship or not.

So go out, enjoy yourself, be on your best behavior, stay within a 3 drink minimum, stand strong, confident, make general conversation with everyone there, emit positive energy, enjoy the group, enjoy the evening - and have a great time dear :-)

Anonymous said...

Haha! Thanks for the great advice. My friend means well and maybe she knows that I would "try" not to flirt, but probably be a total flirt the whole time and she doesn't want me to feel guilt over it. Like i said, she means well.

I still am not going to go, even though I really want to, but it is because of something else you said...

"I'm assuming that you're wise enough to understand that pulling a 3rd party into the drama of your current relationship is unwise - because you'll risk losing a chance with the new guy if you do that. You don't want to involve him in any drama, he could see that and run. You want to handle your current situation first, and simply get to know this other guy at the moment as a casual acquaintance."

The thing is...the group of friends we would all be going out with would immediately ask me where my BF is, because they all know him. I don't think this new guy realizes I have a boyfriend, and I don't particularly want him to know. I would much prefer if I broke up with my boyfriend and started to get to know this guy as a completely free and clear single woman. It will get around quickly to our other friends that me and my BF broke up, so they won't bring it up to me again if a future dinner comes around and that means I can just be myself and not worry about the other dude "running" because he knows i'm in a relationship or even thinks i'm the kinda girl who just jumps from one guy to another cuz I'm not.

I think this is the smartest "play" on my part and for my well being. I want as clean a slate as I can manage.

What do you think mirror? Truthfully, if the breakup goes as planned this week, and next weekend the same opportunity arose, I would definitely not miss the chance to go hang with everyone and get to know this guy better, but tonight maybe i'll just hang with some girlfriends :)

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous Nov 15, 8:48 AM

I believe Mirror meant a 3 drink maximum. :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

YES!!! Not a minimum of 3 drinks, a maximum of only 3 drinks LOL - nice catch, thanks for clarifying that...we don't want women thinking they need to have 3+ drinks on every evening out before things really get going LOL.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 15, 10:42 AM,
I think that whatever you think is best for you dear - then that's what you do. If waiting will enable you to be more of your free self, then that's what you do - make wise decisions that are best for YOU ;-)

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much guys! :) y'all rock! I think this guy may be something special, so I'm not gonna shoot myself in the foot on this one. I'm gonna end the relationship with my BF then start getting to know the other guy as a friend and see what happens! Thank you!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Upate...broke up with my BF and I couldn't be happier. I am soooo completely relieved that this 5 year relationship is over and I feel completely free and ready to move forward with my life. I did not go to the dinner out with the group saturday night, and i am now glad that i did not, because if this nice guy does ask me out in the future ever, i am glad i can now that i am completely single and so happy about it. No more ties to dead end relationship. I should have done this 6 months ago, but felt stuck. However, that 6 months and reading your website and asking questions/getting responses, plus going to Al-Anon and getting healthier really helped me to be prepared for this decision and I feel so good!

I don't want to jump into another relationship but I am excited about the prospect of a date or two with someone new. Ready to start a new chapter of my life :) thanks for everything MOA. I have grown leaps and bounds since being an active reader and commenter on your website starting last February.

- kate

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

GOOD FOR YOU dear! I know that took real strength, and you should be proud of yourself - go out and celebrate and surround yourself with positive vibes, or treat yourself to something special, you deserve it!

If I can just affect one woman in a positive manner by aiding her on her journey and helping her redeem her confidence to free her from an unhappy relationship, it makes everything I do here worth it.

Good things are on the way, you'll see ;-)

Anonymous said...

Your writing is very inspiring. I have been single since 2008. I am very smart, have a great and I take care of my self (I'll be 42 next week, but people who don't know me think I'm 26-28). I couldn't agree more with you about being proactive and feeling empowered. I recently had to have oral surgery, so went to see this specialist (51 y.o. in great shape). Since the moment I saw him, I felt atracted to him. I thought he was super handsome, and I remember also thinking his wife was a lucky woman ;)
Anyways, the day of the procedure, which lasted 1 1/2 hours, he started to flirt with me. I'll give you some examples: while he was injecting me, and it was hurting me he said "imagine you are in a singles' cruise. You are single, right?", at the end of the surgery while he was sewing me up, he told me (without me asking anything) that was was divorced, had two kids. I told I was sorry, to what he responded "oh, don't be. It's better this way. She wasn't contribuying to the marriage, all she did was spending... then when things changed, she found herself a boyfriend. Do you have kids?" I said "no". Please note I have dedicated my last years to my career (Human resources, where flirting is a big no/no), so I am very rusty. Well, I am not sure if he was just extending me professional courtesy or if he was flirting. If you ask me, my intuition says there's something there, and I need to let it develope by itself, let him lead (if that's the case). I can also tell you, he made me laugh during the entire procedure... which requires certain skill. I care that he cared so much about me. How should I act with him, kind of to let him know I am open and available subtly, without being obvious.... so in case that there's nothing't more there other than professional courtesy, I don't feel silly and embarrased. Thank you, MOA in advance. Please keep writing :) Vil

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"How should I act with him, kind of to let him know I am open and available subtly, without being obvious"

Don't change anything. Don't change your behaviors. He already knows you're single and he's already received a "warm" vibe from you. You didn't balk at his flirtations and you didn't reject him - and that's all he needs to know.

A man that is interested will pursue the object of his desire.

"in case that there's nothing't more there other than professional courtesy, I don't feel silly and embarrased"

That's why you don't "do" anything - other than submit to his lead ;-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for all your articles.
My story: very great chemistry between us, after 2 weeks of daily FB talks we met and decided to start a relationship (we have common friends).
For 3 months everything was ok, but then he disappeared and when he called I told him calmly I wasn`t ok with that and told him not to call me any more. I thought he would make a move to fix things up but because of a misunderstanding he decided to end the relationship. He didn`t accept to meet me and we had a last talk on skype and the reason for the break-up was his fear of commitment (although he was the one planning to buy a house for us etc. in the very beginning of the relationship and I was the one trying to calm him down).
Six months have passed and during this six months I went through nc (20d) and after that we began to talk. I acted needy, always contacting him first. I went into nc (30d) again because of his behaviour, everything was ok but then I behave needy again. I was ok ignoring him, but then he would start liking my fb stuff as if he wanted to remind me he existed. And I would react and contact him. I knew how to hook him because he likes my jokes, but I`m tired of being his `clown` if you know what I mean.
Now I can`t contact him any more as he started ignoring my messages again. Should I just unfriend him (I don`t want this) or stay around? I need to take my pride back and I feel that only by unfriending him I would re-balance things. He`s a virgo man and seems not to care about anything.
Thank you for your help.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I think at this point dear, it's obvious that he's not the right man for you and that this situation isn't making you happy, As a result, I'd unfriend him on social, close the book on this and move one. If you fear you'll contact him again, I'd even take it as far as deleting his number from your phone.

Anonymous said...

Hello, it`s Lucia again. Thank you for your answer and help.
In fact, I`m not afraid I might contact him again. I`m afraid that by unfriending him I`m making a big mistake.
I would stay around, but I know I might suffer even more seeing him with somebody else one day. It`s hard to take such a decision, because it`s actually putting the past in the past and .. I don`t want this. Staying or leaving is a lottery.
In fact how can I just detach myself from him so I can take such decisions without hesitating so much?
Thank you!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well dear, change starts with you. Meaning, if you want to detach and move on - then YOU actually have to be the one to take the first steps to make that happen.

The social media issue is personal decision. If it will do you more damage than good to remain tied on social media, then let him go if you truly want to move on and detach. If you think you have the strength and can master the detachment process while also seeing regular updates about his personal life, then remain tied, no harm, no foul.

If you think it's going to harm you and keep you emotionally tied to him, then think of yourself and forget about him and cut the ties. Because YOU are what's important here, not him. He's just one man in a sea full of men - that's how you have to look at it for your own good, ya' know?

"how can I just detach myself from him so I can take such decisions without hesitating so much?"

Well, if you TRULY want to detach - then you need to take action and actually detach. If you want to detach, you have to let him go. It's really that simple. Let's look at the facts here to see if there's really even anything WORTH hanging onto:

1) He's already told you he doesn't want a relationship
2) He has a fear of commitment
3) He disappeared
4) When he disappeared, he didn't even attempt to repair things and easily let you go instead of doing the right thing and apologizing and making amends.
5) He's currently ignoring you.
6) He's let lots of time pass during NC phases where he never reached out.

Honestly dear, I see absolutely nothing here worth holding onto. If a situation between two people is going to work, it's going to settle into a nice routine early in the relationship. And if instead, it doesn't settle into that routine and there is nothing but turmoil and there's no sign of any interest in a relationship from one of the parties involved - then it is what it is dear. It's just not going to work. And nothing you do or say, or don't do or say, or any amount of time is ever going to change someone's desire from that of not wanting a committed relationship to actually wanting one.

It's a lot to think about, I realize that. But YOU are what's important here. You're well being, your emotional state, your confidence and self-esteem - NOT him. So when you think about all of this just YOURSELF in mind. Don't sacrifice yourself or your happiness so you can hold onto something with someone who is not showing any signs of intending to do the same for you.

Think about what's best for YOU.

Anonymous said...

Mirror, I've been dating a man now for four months. We see each other at some point most everyday. He has three children that live on the other side of the country. After his divorce he relocated away for work. He makes a trip to see his kids every three months, and is the sole supporter of all of their private schooling and financial needs. I'll be honest to say that it made me very hesitant to date someone whom chose for any reason to live away from their children; for any reason. However, with an open mind I have watched his actions, and I do think he is a stand-up person whom is taking responsibility. ...And that's important to me!!! I want him to be that. However, that aside I am having a difficult time accepting some aspects of this & I want to know in your opinion if I should: speak up? ride out my emotions? or face the music that I'm not cut out to date someone with children? I am fond of kids but I don't currently have any of my own, ..yet. Specifically for example. These last two weeks he will mention every single day (and I'm not exaggerating) about how he needs to purchase something for his ex for mothers day. He even sat me down at the computer and was showing me different items that he was considering purchasing. I understand that his children are young and they need some direction and assistance to make mother's day special. However, I can't help but to feel hurt when he constantly is talking about buying another woman gifts. I sincerely don't think he is being sinister by mentioning this as often as he does. ...And to date I have either remained silent when he brings it up, or I say a simple ok. I think if it had been one conversation I would have possibly still felt a little hurt but I quickly would have moved past it realizing it is was an appropriate gesture. But this everyday reference to it is driving me close to the edge of blowing a lid. Have I been handling this correctly by simply keeping my peace and letting it pass? I realize this is just one holiday. ...And there are several more ahead. I don't know that I can cope. What I wish more than anything is that he would be discussing what plans for our life will be. I want for us to create a life together and he has made clear that he wants to be married again. However, instead our conversations focus upon gift giving to he ex and long term financial planning and vacations for his children. To be clear I am happy he is acting responsible. I want him to do those things for his kids. However, it feels like he is focusing 80% of his efforts there and 20% to us. Is that normal? Just part of dating someone with kids? This everyday of discussing a gift for his ex for mother's day has me at a breaking point.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 7, 3:17 PM,
"it feels like he is focusing 80% of his efforts there and 20% to us. Is that normal? Just part of dating someone with kids? This everyday of discussing a gift for his ex for mother's day has me at a breaking point."

I've dated men with children and I've encountered this myself, however, it was generally only mentioned once or twice and quite honestly, they had taken care of it themselves and other than simply telling me about it, they did not include me, pull me in, or make a big deal out of it.

So yea, I do think it's strange that he'd sit you down at the computer for this and mention it day in, day out. It's almost as if he's purposefully trying to push your buttons to test your boundaries and garner a reaction over it. But if I were you, I wouldn't waste my breath. Most likely, he'd only spin it to make you look like a jealous, horrible individual over it, so don't bother.

For now, I'd sit tight with this. Mothers Day is almost here and it will pass very soon. However, if you see this behavior that's a bit "over the top" taking place with anymore upcoming holidays, rather than say something about it, you'd probably be best to accept that life with this man in particular would most likely not make you happy. It's not a "men with children" thing - it's a HIM thing. Like I said, I've dated men with children and never encountered this heavy a focus and involvement over this stuff, so this is an individual thing with him and doesn't apply to all men with children.

Talking to him about it won't change anything and it would probably only give him a good excuse to point the finger at you with the "jealous" label, guilting involved, etc. So I think the best thing to do if this doesn't change with him is to just seriously think about whether or not this man is really "ready" for a new relationship (because we ALL know that talking about your ex incessantly is a big NO NO regardless of your situation - and that folks who do it simply are not ready to move on), and whether or not being with him and enduring this would even make you happy.

Anonymous said...

I love your blog mirror & I really appreciate your thoughtful response. Thank you thank you a million times.

Anonymous said...

Mirror I've got the fear. I've just turned 28 and I'm coming up to being single for 6 years. The ex from 6 years ago has just got married to his second girlfriend since we split. We've had no contact, I just know from social media. In this 6 years I've dated a little but not really slept with anyone more than once and actually had a period of 2 years with no man whatsoever while I nursed my broken heart. I live in London, I have a good job and social life and would say I'm fairly attractive but everyone around me is settling down. My FB is full of people making the next step in life...marriage, babies. I tried internet dating briefly but only met creeps. im not sure I can handle it again. I always imagined I'd be settled by now and instead I'm getting quite scared I'll never find someone. I'm not sure I can do another Christmas or Valentines Day alone. I have amazing experiences, but I'm ready to share them with someone. I know a couple of people in their mid forties that still haven't found someone and I'm worried that's going to be me. Any advice?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous August 12, 7:20PM,
"I'm getting quite scared I'll never find someone"

But what's there to be afraid of? Think about it, what's the worst that could happen if you end up alone? Are you going to die because you're alone? No. Is your health going to fail because you're alone? No. Are your friend no longer going to speak to you because you're alone? No. Will you lose your job because your'e alone? No.

Nothing "bad" is going to happen even if you do end up alone, so the reality is that there's actually nothing to "fear" about that happening.

"I know a couple of people in their mid forties that still haven't found someone and I'm worried that's going to be me."

I'm in my mid 40's and I'm alone. And you know what? I've been married. I was married for 8 years and spent a total of 12 years with the man. . .and I ended up alone anyways. Marriage is NOT a guarantee that you won't be alone. Having a man in your life is not a guarantee that you won't be alone.

There ARE no guarantees in life. And whether you ever get married or not, the reality is that you could STILL end up alone - in your forties, fifties, sixties or seventies. And if it isn't through divorce, the inevitable is that the death of your spouse could someday occur, early or late in life and the marriage.

Any way you slice it, there's ALWAYS the chance you'll end up alone - married or not.

And if that happens, nothing "bad" is going to come of it. There's nothing to fear. And I can tell you this. I felt MORE alone when I was married, than I do now as a single. A lot of distance developed over the years, he became distracted and disengaged from me and the marriage for many years before I finally asked for a divorce. And those were some of the loneliest, darkest years of my life - and I WAS MARRIED during them.

Now that I'm single, I'm surrounded by friends, family, pets, events, get togethers, outings, vacations. . .and I love it. Not having a man in your life doesn't automatically mean you'll end up alone ;-)

Anonymous said...

Mirror I'm the anon above. I thought about the questions and answers you posed. I guess it's not so much about being alone but more about worrying that not finding someone means I'm not good enough for someone. Is that just a self-esteem issue I have to deal with? Saying that, then I start asking myself, "why shouldn't I get to enjoy all the relationship perks my friends have?"

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Aug 19, 4:33 AM.
"I guess it's not so much about being alone but more about worrying that not finding someone means I'm not good enough for someone. Is that just a self-esteem issue I have to deal with?"

Yes, it is :-(

"Saying that, then I start asking myself, "why shouldn't I get to enjoy all the relationship perks my friends have?"

Well here's the funny thing about relationships - they seem glorious and filled with joy - when you're NOT in one. And when you ARE in one - they can seem to limit you, limit your possibilities, force you to compromise - and make you feel trapped and insignificant because someone else's wishes and desires usually come before your own.

So relationships are only as good as they APPEAR to be. Does that make sense?

Sure, there are perks. BUT - there are a TON of sacrifices as well. You're only focusing on the perks your friends are receiving because you're not there to witness what goes on behind closed doors. Don't get me wrong, not all relationships are bad. . .but ALL relationships have both good and BAD times. It comes with the territory.

So in order to look at relationships realistically instead of in a glorified almost "fantasy" type manner, you can't just focus on the perks because not everything is all good - all of the time.

For all you know, your friends are fighting or squabbling more often than not behind closed doors and saying hurtful things to one another, having trouble making compromises, having trouble making sacrifices, feeling tied down by having to place another before them, navigating disagreements over trivial things a majority of the time, dealing with troublesome in-laws who interfere a lot, dealing with the weight of children, mortgages, homes, and general life responsibilities, fretting over who their significant other is with, where they're at or who they're talking to on their phone all the time, experiencing jealousy and backlash. . .you get the idea.

Relationships require a LOT OF HARD WORK AND SACRIFICE. They are not generally filled with perks 90% of the time and when in one, you find yourself sacrificing and compromising more often than enjoying perks because life and life events and situations require you to do so as a couple on a DAILY basis.

Truth be told, in my opinion, having been with a man 12 years, married 8, and divorced for 12. . .I find that being single is a hell of a lot EASIER. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't be willing to do the hard work and make the sacrifices required to maintain a healthy, long-lasting relationship. . .but it DOES mean that I'll think twice long and hard before casually entering into one.

Perks aside the bottom line is that you deserve to be happy, whether or not a man is included in that. Because your happiness cannot come from another. A man cannot hand you your happiness on a platter. He can ADD to it, but he should not BE it in an all-encompassing fashion.

Europa said...

Hello there Mirror of Aphrodite - I was guided to your posts last night and have pretty much read most of what you have advised. Are you ever a clever, wise and well-rounded FAIR woman. I love your mind and your intention. It is to set women straight about the mind games men play and how to play them at their own games since there really doesn't appear to be much of an option. I've yet to meet a man in my 46 years in this dimension that doesn't engage in 'hunting'. It really is part of their genetic lineage to treat us as conquests and prey. So sad because there are so many beautiful maidens out there who've had their hearts broken by careless and "feel-less" men. How odd and ironic to be designed in such different ways. It really is time the caveman behaviour became extinct and men and women alike stopped playing games at all. But that is a 5D world of the future and I guess these times are part of the uprising to effect change. Well, here's hoping anyway.

Europa said...

Blessings to you and thank you for all the wonderful advice. I've learned so much about how I have ALWAYS been too nice, given far too much (too soon), and always ended up pursuing and falling for the traps. Not any more. Game face ON baby! 13 years married to a Gem man who treated this Sag in ways that I now wonder why on earth I couldn't love myself enough to see what was really going on. But you know what? I am GRATEFUL and GREAT-FULL even, because I am growing so much from all the hard-core lessons that men have taught me. I now have a beautiful daughter from that union who reminds me how I must set the example for her and NEVER let a man treat me as disrespectfully as I have allowed them to in the past.

Recently I've met a very engaging man who is much older but for the first time in my life, I have an intellectual connection with him which of course created an instant attraction for me. Thanks to your posts, I now have learned something SO important I could hug you in gratitude for the advice you have shared. Too much (on my part), too soon and this fellow has retreated. So, as in your posts, no contact and play it cool. The fact we live miles apart makes it a bit difficult anyway - had such synchronicities at the start and none of them manufactured by either of us so of course that got my over-active brain running off on childhood romantic notions and tangents. Glad to say you swung me back on my horse, my armour keenly polished (no, despite intimacy I did not bed the man and am I ever glad of that), so my humility is intact (if not for a couple of texts and an email I shouldn't have sent), but we'll see if he re-emerges and if he does, this time, I am up for game. See I'm a very competitive person underneath my "fun-loving" exterior and love is something I have always treated with the utmost respect (misguided as to its implications as I was). Unconditional love is a whole new realm for me and I am trying to learn that for myself on myself since the reason I have always attracted vampiric men is that they are attracted to my energy and light and then proceed to drain me when I willingly lower myself from my proverbial steed haha.
Now I have a beautiful daughter to think of, it reminds me of the girl/child within and in that sense, I am finally realising shadow aspects that need healing and love from MYSELF first.
I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts. And I am hopeful this man I have met does come back as I would like to see if I can play a new hand a lot more maturely and wisely than I have done. He's a smart cookie and appears to be very open to matters of a spiritual nature but we have both recently separated from long term relationships and my soul keeps whispering it is all a bit too soon. So this whole "organic" business is where it's at I guess. I'm in no hurry to plant another garden just yet anyways.... finding I'm still weeding out some pretty nasty ones from the last crop ha.
Hey, you and every other lady here, know that you ARE loved, you ARE WORTHY of love and it all starts from within. So within so without - as above, so below. Let's make gold and be the alchemists who can help our male counterparts uncover their GOLD. Love and blessings to you all - Europa XX

AuthenticScorpio said...

Hi Mirror,

I'm the woman with the now male best friend and a lot has changed since I've last written in. I've moved from my home state and took a new job on a completely opposite coast. This was a huge come up for me career wise and I feel it was great for me to step outside of my comfort zone and invest in ME. All of my friends and family are still back home, but I know this will allow me to forge new friendships/relationships, join orgs, etc, so I'm excited.

Since I've left, my guy friend still calls me every day. It's not planned - kind of just happens and for now it's been happening pretty consistently. The distance hasn't changed anything in that regard. Since I've known him, his focus has always been on his career and how the company we were at wasn't helping us achieve our goals. So whenever anyone would bring up dating/relationships/marriage, he would always downplay the importance of those saying you can't have those things and also achieve your career goals and personal goals. I disagree on a lot of what he says, but that's not for me to argue.

So to keep things as brief as possible, he recently had a job opportunity come up that would put us both in the same state - but about 5 hours away from each other. He ended up coming to visit me about a month and while we were at dinner he kept mentioning maybe I could come visit him once a month if that wasn't too much. I kind of glossed over that and we just kept on talking. But ever since then, he keeps making it a point to ask when I'm going to come visit him. When I come visit, we can do this and that. And he wants to come to my city once a month so we can hang out and blah blah blah.

In your opinion, does it make sense to commit to a regular schedule and shelling out $ for tickets just for friendship (whether that's him coming to me or me to him)? This isn't to say I don't value friendship. But I don't have set schedules in place for when I'm going to see any of my other friends. I also don't talk to my other friends every day - and that doesn't make us any less of friends for not doing so. So I didn't go into a full discussion of feelings with him, but I did let him know that I'm happy for him to move out here, however I don't think it's smart to commit to regular visits if there's not a point to this.

He said he can see my point, and he thinks once he gets moved out here, now that his career is on track, he will be able to decide what he wants in his personal life - whether that's a relationship, volunteering, joining orgs etc. And that if were to go the long distance route, it'd be easier now that we'll be in the same state. He said he feels it's normal for men to want to figure out career/goals first before a relationship - and I know that's true. He said he doesn't fully know what he wants in his personal life and wants to figure that out, yet he's still making requests for regular attention, support, etc. And he has had reactions on occasions when he's found out I've made other male friends while out here and asking if these are dates.

So I'd love your advice - is my decision to put this kind of boundary in place valid? Yes it would be "fun" to see him more, and I have feelings for him, but I don't NEED to see him all the time. And in fact, it might be better for us to do our own thing separate from each other since he hasn't made it a point to say why it's so important the we regularly see each other. I've gone with the flow as his friend for a little more than a year, but I never promised him I'd always be there for him and make effort forever. So I plan to keep living my life and not wait on him to determine if he wants a relationship - but how do I hold my own while still being his friend and not looking revengeful for not agreeing to what he's asking?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"In your opinion, does it make sense to commit to a regular schedule and shelling out $ for tickets just for friendship (whether that's him coming to me or me to him)?"

That's a personal decision, and it will depend on how important he is to you. But if this is something that you can't afford to do, then don't do it. Don't put yourself into debt simply to "attempt" something simply because he's requested it. And don't enter into commitments with a man who isn't committed to you simply because he's requested it.

"I don't have set schedules in place for when I'm going to see any of my other friends."

Exactly - and if you're not comfortable with this, don't do it. It appears as if he's expecting "relationship" type behavior without actually committing himself to being in a relationship. If he'd like to date you, that's fine. He can come visit you as much as he likes, if he'd like to court you. And if he'd do that and take those steps himself first, chances are it'd make you feel more secure in doing so yourself later on.

"He said he doesn't fully know what he wants in his personal life and wants to figure that out, yet he's still making requests for regular attention, support, etc."

You get what you give in life. If he's not giving you anything, but he's asking for a lot - that's not a balanced situation.

"is my decision to put this kind of boundary in place valid?"

Absolutely - if that's the decision that you're most comfortable with at this point.

Because what I'm gathering here from you is that you feel he's asking you to "pretend" you're in a relationship with him. . .yet he's offering absolutely no commitment for that commitment from you, in return. If you feel he's asking you for more than general friendship without committing himself first, then don't engage in this.

"Yes it would be "fun" to see him more, and I have feelings for him, but I don't NEED to see him all the time."

He's clearly the one with the "need" here. . ."he's still making requests for regular attention, support, etc."

"how do I hold my own while still being his friend and not looking revengeful for not agreeing to what he's asking?"

If he considers your refusal to his request as "vengeful" then that's his problem and it signals that he's secretly looking at this as "more" than friends, yet doesn't want to commit himself to that - which is again his problem and something for him to figure out. It'd serve him well to cease projecting his needs onto you to fulfill, and instead for him to get down to the "work" he needs to do on himself, to figure out what it is that he truly wants and is willing to give.

If a friend invites you to participate in something and for whatever reason you can't, they don't revoke their friendship. At least not if they're a true friend. THAT would be vengeful behavior. Friendships are casual and therefore, that's the best you can expect from them. And things that are casual are sporadic, irregular, and non-committed. If he can't get his expectations in line with that, that's his problem, and he needs to figure out what it is that he really wants if he's to expect others he's asking these things from to fulfill his needs for him.

He needs to figure out what he's willing to "give" -- if he's to "receive."

Tiff720 said...

Hi MOA... so we're in counseling. Have been for the last 3 weeks. It seems like the relationship/marriage is taking a turn for the worse. While in counseling I'm making notes of the counselor comments/suggestions and she's given us (active) assignments to complete at home. I am also making copies for my husband. He just puts them in his pocket. I do my best to practice on the suggestions the counselor has given us. I'm not perfect and I know I've made mistakes along the way, but I really do my best to work on them. My husband on the other hand, seems to be spiraling out of control. The counselor says it usually takes 5-7 years for a marriage to flow smoothly. We're just newlyweds and we're learning how to live with each other. Therefore, all of the incident has caused me to document every incident that happens. I don't know what's going on with him. He won't talk to me. Instead he tries to dictate me, talk to me like I'm his child or in a disrespecting way. He's secretive! I need your help Mirror because I don't know what else to do. My last resort will be to divorce him and move on, but I didn't enter into a marriage just to get a divorce.
Here are a couple of incidents that I've documents. Please provide your feedback or insight. What should I do? How should I handle this? What should I say?
Husband hasn't been attending church with me all this month. I asked him if I was missing anything, he would just say "because he just don't want to go" then a couple of days ago, it was a sad time for me. We had lost 2 people we both knew during the Christmas holiday. So I was feeling sad. Then my husband tells me that he's "not trying to hurt my feelings but the reason for not coming to church anymore 1)they ask for too much money 2)pastor requested for us not to leave during benediction" I was taken back for his reasons. I have offered to compromise on several occasions for us to seek a church that we'll both be comfortable attending. He knows that attending church and fellow-shipping with like-minded people is very important to me. I expressed to him that I didn't know what to do especially as I had offered to compromise in the past but he didn't want to proceed. He told me that he doesn't want to take me away from my church that I am receiving my blessings from. He is not giving me the opportunity to make a decision if I want to stay or leave. Now I'm feeling deceived. Because while we were dating, he expressed to me on many occasions that he wanted to be with a woman that would help him to grow closer to GOD. Then he turns around and tells me that I'm looking too much into it. I'm starting to feel indifferent on his words now. What else has he lied to me about??? I feel that he is not as honest or transparent with me like he says he is. Even the counselor uncovered something about him that he thought was transparent and honest on. But he wasn't!


Tiff720 said...


This is the last day of 2015. I thought this would have been a great year after getting married but not just so. It has not been an easy road by far. This year has been challenging for me since May; 1 month after being married.
So I have an end of the year ritual that I do & was instilled in me as a child. So it became very important to me for me to clean the whole house before the new year. Yeah, my mistake of not asking my husband if he cleans the house for the new year. I was cleaning the bathroom & needed to wash the bathroom rug so I took it to the basement and began to put it in the washing machine and then I hear my husband’s voice. I was actually on the phone. So I exited off the phone to go see what my husband wanted. He told me that I can’t do as I can in this house. I can’t be free. I should ask him if I could was the rug or use the washing machine because I don’t know what he has going on. Now to me this is by far the most stupidest & petty thing I have ever heard. First, he gets upset that there are too many garbage bags that goes out of the house each week now this. I swear he is the pettiest person and being ridiculous. So my response to him was I can clean how I want to and be free in this house. He said no I can’t. I have to ask him. Really, now I feel like a child and not his wife. Come on now this is being ridiculous. Then he brings up the newspaper because he know I love to clip coupons. Sometimes he’ll surprise me with a rose and remove all of the coupons from the paper for me. Now after being married, he flipped on me. He bought a newspaper and told me “DON’T TOUCH MY PAPER”. I mean what changed? All I wanted is the coupons, he can have everything else. But no it was a problem. So he continues to buy a paper and leaves it anywhere around the house because it’s HIS HOUSE. So I buy my own paper. Back to the rug incident, I told him then I just won’t touch his washer machine anymore. This is getting to petty and ridiculous. UGH!!!


Tiff720 said...

While in church bringing in the new year. He told me in my ear that he will work on being a better husband and that he’s only here in church because he wanted to keep his word that he’ll spend New Year’s in Church with me. It felt good to hear that; however, I’m feeling a bit deceived still. Fast forwarded to the morning hours. So he caught an attitude with me because I was on my phone talking with family about my niece who became very ill. I didn’t know he needed my attention because he hadn’t given me any signal or said anything. I just don’t understand these quick mood swings because just before I got on the phone things were good. So I left to remove myself from his negativity. II was gone for a couple of hours and when I returned he wasn’t home. I hadn’t heard from him all day so I call him to see what was up. He tried to reverse my comment on me when I mentioned to him that I hadn’t heard from him. I found out that he was at the local bar. Not sure how long he has been there but of course he was drinking. So as I’m trying to be vulnerable, a girl and his wife to have a conversation. Trying to see if he wanted some company, but he told me that he’ll rather have some time for himself. He was being so secretive and mean. I asked him when I should be expecting him home and he told me that he’ll get there when he gets there. Why does he wants to start the new year like this?? So after talking to him, I started to watch tv and surf the net. I get a call from him asking me to come up to the bar. So I did. We stayed up there for a little while. His attention was focused on the other people in the bar. So I don’t understand why he’d asked me to come up there and he was going to ignore me. We left the bar and got home. As we were walking into the house, I noticed that he was bring some large object with him. Out of curiosity, I asked him “hey what is that?” 2x he yelled at me telling me to get my muthafucking ass in the house and that I talk too muthafucking much and that’s not the liquor talking and that it doesn’t concern me. My response was I’m leaving this room until you know how to talk to me. He told me to leave. As I’m walking away, I can hear him mumbling things and slamming stuff on the counter. I went into the other bedroom, and started watching tv until I feel asleep. I hadn’t taken off my clothes because I was terrified. I didn’t know if I would have to actually leave the house because of his beligent attitude/behavior but I ended up falling asleep because I had had a long day. So I woke up to him coming into the room, pulling the cover over me, moving things out of the way as if he was coming to lay with me in the bed and turn off the tv. I was feeling scared when he was doing all of this because I wasn’t sure what else he was going to say. Then while I was sleeping, I heard my phone kept receiving text messages. I finally looked when I had gotten up to use the bathroom. He had sent me several texts that went like this: “I am going trying to profess somethings new since we have not did this before.

Tiff720 said...

When I met you I knew one day that I could try to work hard at being husband to you I knew that that there were a lot of things you were going through but I knew If I could be patient and work hard I could win your heart and work hard at loving you right. I have been more then smitten every time I gaze upon you as your husband and always have a big smile that I am the luckiest man in the world to have a beautiful woman that I can claim as mine. It feels good that someone as you is with me through all my flaws. I just hope that through all we go through that I can still make you smile and have the same attraction as a teenager to make you giggle knowing that it is me that is making you giggle/smile/feel warm all over knowing that this man has only you on his mind every day night, hour and minute. Sending a love letter to my wife, your husband. I love you” I couldn’t believe what I just read. It felt like a joke to me. I just didn’t understand. I felt so confused and upset. He has an unpredictable mood swings. So I continued to focus on me, my feelings and wellbeing.
I feel that my feelings are safe if they’re expressed in our counseling session. There is a 3rd party involved to offer solutions. When I express my feelings to him, he tell some that I’m always feeling something, he dismisses my feelings. I thought you’re supposed to be vulnerable and should be able to express your feeling with your spouse/husband???
I committed to this relationship because it had felt like a breath of fresh air. My life before him I was enjoying and I continue to enjoy but on another level. But I feel now that I’m married, I have to work so hard & can’t even enjoy being married. I didn’t realize how hard this would be. I feel like these last 9 months has been close to hell. I don’t feel good about it either.

Tiff720 said...


He seem to have woke up very angry. The tone in his voice is not pleasing to hear. It actually is scary! He just left without even giving me a kiss or telling me that he’ll be right back or look at me. He seems to always flip flop his moods and behavior. I do my best to not let him change my behavior. For example, even though he had an attitude at me, I still gave him a kiss before I left. I recall requesting to him that no matter what if mad or not to always kiss before leaving.
Ohmgoodness. I can’t believe this feeling. I don’t want to express to him because he’ll get mad at me. But I’m feeling really shaky around him. I have never felt this kind of feeling with anyone. I’m feel like a ball of tears. I don’t know what I have done. I don’t know what else to do anymore. Should I leave this house? Should I leave this marriage? Is pondering my head. I swear in all my life with any man. NO MAN has ever made me feel this sway. I don’t like it. This does not feel good. I’m trying to figure out what have I don’t to cause all of this pain. I can’t seem to fathom!
I can’t believe what just happened, as I’m drying myself off from a long shower, my thoughts are running wild, I’m trying to hold my feelings in of me being terrified & scared of what else he would say. I’m feeling shaky. I’m feeling weak. I just balled in tears. He came in the bathroom and asked me what was wrong. I was afraid to express to him how I was feeling but I did after a few pauses. Then I told him I don’t know what to do. His response was that he doesn’t know what to do & that I’m always feeling something. One of my request while dating was to protect me. So sad to say that he cannot even protect me from himself. His anger, his bad mood swings, his short temper. I wonder if he’s happy with me. Is he happy with himself? Does he want me in this house???

Tiff720 said...

He says he loves me. I don’t feel it. According to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy it does not boast it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth it always protects, always trusts always hopes, and always perseveres.
So we get to his brother’s house because they were having an adult party. No he didn’t pull me over trying to chastise me. I cut him off telling him that I am a grown woman. That he does not have to tell me how to conduct myself. So he walked away and ignored me the entire night.

Tiff720 said...


Had a rough sleep because husband was tossing and turning, getting up walking around and dropping things. I asked him if everything was okay, he told me that he has nervous energy. I never heard of that before and didn’t understand because I was trying to sleep. After only a couple of hours of sleep, I’m up getting ready for the gym. I noticed the granny gave us a Christmas gift. It was money! Needless to say before I could offer suggestions on what to do with the money. He cut me off and told me that it was not my concern. Come to find out 2 days later, he spent the money. Isn’t that call stealing from your spouse? It was a couple’s gift. Then, I recently found out that he’s chatting with other woman online. Really, this is crazy!
There’s many more incidents that has happened …hopefully you can see what I’m dealing with. What should I do? How should I handle this? We’re still in counseling, but he told the counselor that he feels that this is a waste of his time. So needless to say, that he is not putting forth the effort. Please help!!


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"What should I do? How should I handle this? We’re still in counseling"

Follow the advice of the professional counselor, that's the best you can do at this point.

PiscesGirl said...

Hi Mirror and the ladies! I am soo frustrated ughh I hate being confused and getting mixed signals from a guy. Ill explain..soo in the past few weeks there's been a guy at the gym lets call him Keith and he came around me when I was working out and talked to me about my workout and at first I didn't think much of it. In fact I was kind of turned off because he has really light colored eyes and I thought he might be wearing contacts and I don't like when guys wear colored contacts. Hes a chocolate colored man and hes pretty attractive and tall and has big biceps and I realize now that his eyes are natural and he doesn't wear contacts. Hes pretty nice too and hes kept the convo pretty casual with me like he hasn't asked me about my relationship status we just talk about our workouts and work and casual stuff. The thing is he hasn't tried to get my number or add me on facebook and now I'm starting to wonder why. I mean if he always comes around me and tries to talk to me then why isn't he taking the next step? is he intimidated by me? afraid of rejection? does he think it might be sleazy of a guy to pick up a girl at the gym or does he think that maybe I'm not really too into him ? I am a little flirty and smile but today he came around me and we chatted for a bit but he continued with his workout and I didn't wanna just linger around him so I went off and did my own thing. He does make comments about me being a party girl cause I told him I went out one weekend but I'm really not a party girl I just try to occasionally go out and meet guys but this is ughh soo frustrating I feel like I'm getting older and I get insecure about that especially cause the last guy I went on a date with is now dating a really hot young 19 year old and hes 33! I don't know what to do about this guy from the gym I figured ill just act aloof and not overly friendly and just keep things casual with him and I do when I go workout I am really focused and into my workout and my music and I never run up to him when he is working out but then he comes along and we chat and I lose my focus and hes started to rub off on me especially cause there is nobody else that's giving me any attention right now and his eyes are so nice. So I guess my question is: should I just remain aloof as in not that overly interested and run the risk of him thinking I'm not interested. I don't think hes all that shy because he did come and talk to me and hes good looking. One guy told me he might have a girlfriend or maybe hes interested in men but I dont think its the latter. Any thoughts and insight here would be very much appreciated <3 Oh I also thought he might just be playing hard to get and I most certainly do not ask men out or chase so that's not happening I just wish I could enter a guys mind and figure out what hes thinking about me i hate trying to sit here and figure it out. I just feel really sad like i have so much competition and i don't stand a chance especially as i get older.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"The thing is he hasn't tried to get my number or add me on facebook and now I'm starting to wonder why. I mean if he always comes around me and tries to talk to me then why isn't he taking the next step?"

Maybe he's not ready. Maybe he wants to get to know you first. Maybe he's not interested in a relationship or romantic association and is simply making friends at the gym. Who knows - but either way, resist the urge to "project" your wishes and desires onto him. Don't make any assumptions, and have no expectations. Instead, be yourself, be carefree, and continue moving along.

"I don't know what to do about this guy from the gym"

You don't have to do anything - HE does.

And he may or may not choose to take action. So again, no expectations and no assumptions - or you may set yourself up for disappointment.

"should I just remain aloof as in not that overly interested and run the risk of him thinking I'm not interested."

I'm not sure how a man could interpret that a woman is uninterested - when she makes the time to speak to him and give him her attention regularly. And we all know that "uncertainty" actually heightens attraction. Heck, it's working on YOU as we speak ;-)

"Any thoughts and insight here would be very much appreciated"

Forget about him. Expect nothing of him. Assume nothing. Remain carefree and independent. Exude confidence. And continue going about your day as if this never happened.

That's what drew him to you in the first place. So you have to remain in that "energy."

Otherwise, if you become insecure and you start overthinking this, questioning it too much, reading into it too much or making lots of assumptions and expecting too much -- YOUR behavior towards him is going to change without you even realizing it.

And THAT is when you put the situation at risk.

Pisces girl said...

Thank you so much Mirror๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’– you are absolutely right I have started to feel kind of resentful towards him because he's not trying to progress things but I guess that's just my ego expecting that. Omg light bulb-- uncertainty of course it's working on me! I wonder if he is aware he is doing that and conciously doing it but I should of clued into that one. Now I need to turn the tables and work that law of uncertainty on him. This morning I thought about asking him if he has instagram but I changed my mind i won't be doing that I'm just gonna keep calm and carry on and try to exude the same focus and confidence that attracted him in the first place. I will read your reply again as a reminder thank you again Mirror you are brilliant!

Pisces girl said...

Mirror you're the best! I've been repeating in my mind that uncertainty creates attraction and today I walked into the gym with my head held high and great confidence. I don't know where it came from. I just walked in there with a focus on myself and my workout with no intention of looking around to check out guys or see who was looking my way because you're right I don't have to do anything at all. I don't need to walk by a man to get him to notice me because it literally takes a man a fraction of a second to spot a girl he's interested in and If a man is interested he will do all the work. I even had a resting bitch face in effect and 3 guys still talked to me and 2 asked for my number and instead of being shy and nervous I was able to stay calm and cool and talk to them like they were just friends making full eye contact and I was nice but not overly friendly or flirtatious and I swear this one guy I have been crushing on he talked to me for longer today asking me more questions about myself though he didn't ask for my number but that's ok and the ones who did didn't get it I just told them I will probably bump into them again and we can talk more at the gym. You know what the heck you are talking about and when I apply the principles you discuss I get the attention and reactions from men that I want. So thank because the work and dedication you put into this site it really does make a difference in women's lives it's called women empowering other women and I love that ๐Ÿ’Ÿ

piscesgirl said...

Hi Mirror so I wrote down some reminders for myself about how to interact with men particularly the ones im interested in because for the longest time I would shy away from talking to guys especially good looking guys because I felt so intimidated and insecure and I lacked a great deal of confidence. Since ive really started to build up my confidence I do find it easier but still sometimes I have to think about how to be around them and act and things to say and I think communication is key as it can make or break how a guy feels about you. So some things on my list include making eye contact which I know it seems so obvious but for a long time I really struggled with making eye contact and I think that that alone shows lack of confidence. Another thing is really listening to them and what they have to say because I think guys are so used to girls talking so much that sometimes they just wanna be heard so really listening attentively and taking an interest in what they are talking about and also replying with supportive positive statements and that really goes for talking to anybody -romantic interest or not. Also with guys that im interested in im flirtatious but not overly flirtatious I laugh smile and sometimes subtly touch their arm to show interest. Also I like to bust their balls a little and joke around like this one guy at the gym had some holes in his shirt so I pointed it out that its time for a new shirt and started laughing then I said just joking but the next day he was wearing a nice newer shirt with no holes haha ! so I complimented him and said nice shirt. He seemed really flattered and was like thanks this one doesn't have any holes in it haha At the gym I usually wait for a guy to approach me and come talk to me even the ones I know I might smile or wave from a distance but I always let them come to me. One question I have is whether or not I should try to lead the conversation and ask them more questions and if so what are good questions to ask in casual conversation cause I struggle to think of some on the spot? I think a lot of guys have that same problem but should i just mainly let him ask the questions or should I be asking him more questions about himself. Also should I be the first to end the convo and walk away even if I really wanna talk to him more? Any advice or suggestions here would be much appreciated xo

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"One question I have is whether or not I should try to lead the conversation and ask them more questions and if so what are good questions to ask in casual conversation cause I struggle to think of some on the spot?"

I wouldn't try too hard, and I probably wouldn't attempt to take the lead either. Natural back and forth conversation is more than enough. If you try harder than that, they will sense the "eagerness" and possibly mistake it for desperation.

As far as the questions, I really can't answer that because I'm not aware of the situation, the man, his likes/dislikes, the commonalities between the two of you, etc.

"Also should I be the first to end the convo and walk away even if I really wanna talk to him more?"

Let it come to a natural end, and when conversation seems to have dropped, simply state that it was really nice speaking to them, wish them a good day, talk to ya' later - and then move along.

Piscesgirl said...

Thanks Mirror you're absolutely right the last thing I wanna come across as is too eager or desperate. One of my crushes at the gym came by my machine and started working out next to me so we got to talking but then he got really into his work out and even though I didn't want the convo to end I wasn't just gonna stand around and linger so I did keep it moving and walked away. Another crush was telling me he was going to Italy again in the summer so we chatted for a bit about that and then I said arivvaderci and walked away. Anyways I guess if they wanna learn more about me and continue the conversation they can ask me out otherwise im gonna keep it short casual conversations and not try to prolong them.Thanks again <3

piscesgirl said...

hello ladies...so I was at the gym this weekend I purposely went when I thought 'Keith' would be there (I know, I know) and I spotted him he looked so good and his eyes are so nice..we got to talking and he told me he never tried food from my culture before. My mom called me and told me to swing by for lunch that day so when I was there I thought to take him some of my mom's food for Keith to try since he has never tried it so I put some in a Tupperware and off I went back to the gym and I caught him right as he was walking out the door and gave him the food and he seemed really surprised appreciative and grateful and I asked him if I get a hug and he gave me one..but he still never asked for my number..:( They say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach well I hoped he liked my mom's food and she is a great cook so im sure he enjoyed it but I wouldn't know cause I don't have his contact info and he doesn't have mine. I know it might seem like Im trying too hard and maybe I am but I thought he showed genuine interest in me by coming to talk to me and the way he looks at me but maybe im just completely off. I am by nature a generous person so its hard for me to not do nice things for someone I like that's just who I am and he did say one day he would return the favor and cook for me but the fact that he hasn't tried to make any advancing moves at this point just means I need to forget about him like you said Mirror and expect nothing because it does hurt my ego a little bit. A lot of other guys try to get my number at the gym and elsewhere so I wonder why 'Keith' hasn't yet but im just gonna assume he has a girlfriend. Ill still try and be nice and friendly but im not just looking for a guy friend especially when its someone im attracted to. At least I never asked him if he had instagram or facebook even though I came very close but im glad I didn't.

Anonymous said...


It sounds like you workout pretty often, you look a lot younger than your age, and lots of guys are asking for your number, so you should be feeling really good/confident about yourself! That and a Steve Cook lookalike wanted to get to you know you better.

(Btw, do you follow Steve's snapchats? I love it when he dances. Also, what is he doing with Courtney?? He wants blonde babies. Anyways, semi off topic..)

I'm also 31, and I look/feel better than I did in my 20's (well other than discovering grey hair and having dry skin issues, sigh).

And that's all down to the consistent work I've done in the gym doing barbell hip thrusts, deadlifts, barbell bent rows, etc. I had zero curves before lifting (a guy I rejected said I was skinny and had a flat ass), but now I've got nice legs and a pretty big booty.

So if you continue to workout, you're just gonna look better and better as you age.

Re Keith: I think there are several possibilities why he hasn't asked for your number. I doubt he has a girlfriend, because if he did - he wouldn't have offered to return the favor and cook for you in the future.

I think he doesn't have the time to date right now (he could be busy with work, starting up a business, or has health issues). He could really like you, but since he doesn't see you just as fling material, he doesn't want to start anything until he's sure he can date you properly.

Is he friendly with other girls at the gym?

I think it's a bad idea to start anything with someone at the gym though. If you go to the same one regularly, if things end, you'll need to go at a different time to avoid them.

- Vivian

piscesgirl said...

Hey Viv! thanks so much for your reply! <3 and you're right I actually swore off guys from the gym because I had a bad experience with one sociopathic narcissist and I still see him and get pissed off and yes I could switch gyms but I don't want to for various reasons. The gym would seem like the perfect place to meet a guy because he is obviously into his health as am I (although some are on steroid drugs which is a huge turn off) other than the gym where else do you meet men? I don't like going online because men are like kids in a candy store with so many options and you could waste so much time chatting with someone online who you feel you have a deep connection with only to meet them in person and realize there is zero connection. The bars are also not the best place to meet men ive found from my experience as a lot of them are f*cKboys. I do go to different events and try to experience new things and be more open to meeting new people so im hoping that strategy will help me meet somebody. As far as the Steve Cook lookalike goes he never messaged me while he was still in the city except the day he was leaving the province to tell me he thought i was gorgeous and he was really happy he met me and that was nice of him:) Hes on my instagram and likes every one of my pictures too lol He did tell my girlfriend at the gym that he thought I was 26 so that was pretty flattering and I can thank my lifestyle for that because you are right I am in the gym pretty often and I do try and eat healthy and I too feel more confident in my skin now than I did in my 20's as well (though I also get those pesky grays but that's what my tweezers are for I just yank them out!hehe)
Also good for you and your newly sexy curves It sounds like you work hard in the gym as well. I do many of the same exercises as you and im quite pleased with how my body is shaping and toning up. Im not trying to be skinny by any means I just want to accentuate my womanly curves and I don't mind when men take notice and appreciate that! like Keith did..and youre right maybe he just doesn't have the time to date right now I know he was doing night shifts for a while but he told me hes doing days now so hes on a more regular schedule but who knows maybe hes just not looking for a relationship at this point....or maybe hes just too wrapped up with watching basketball right now because I know hes really into basketball you know men and their sports! I sometimes see some guys at the gym stop their workouts and just stand there and watch the screen while the game is on its like serious business for a lot of them! lol I just don't get that though. I really do feel like he does find me attractive because of the way he looks at me and some of the things he says but ive just kind of let it go now because I don't wanna be on stand by waiting for a guy who may or may not be interested to ask me out. So Ive just been carrying along with my life. OH and my girlfriend said she has seen him talking to another girl at the gym for a while so maybe he's more interested in her and that's OK ..One thing I always try to remind myself is that nobody is me and that is my power. I cant always be in competition with other girls theres always gonna be someone younger and prettier or more fit. I can only try to be the best version of myself and love and take care of myself as best as I can and so far that seems to be working pretty good for me as far as my confidence goes and I hope it just keeps getting better.

Pisces girl said...

Hey Ladies! So I seen 'keith' at the gym today we talked briefly and he told me he thought mom's food was different not sure If that was a good thing or not anyways I pretty much kept it very brief with him walked away first and went about my workout. He came around and lifted weights near me but I didn't try to keep a conversation going with him i had my headphones in. Before he left he stopped to say bye and give me a high five he said hope you have a good weekend and he told me he might not be here Sunday. I didn't bother asking him where he is going. I'm not gonna lie im hurt cause I'm attracted to him and I honestly thought he was interested but I'm not gonna bother with him anymore or try to impress him in any way cause unless we are dating he doesn't deserve much or any of my time attention or my mom's home cooking. After he walked away I felt pretty down and almost started to cry which I know is pathetic over a guy but it is what it is and I can't force anything to happen the ball is in his court. I'm going to continue to distance myself from him I'll still be polite and nice but I'm not gonna be too friendly I can't forget I'm here to focus and workout and I don't need any distractions

piscesgirl said...

Hi Ladies! its amazing how quickly we can fall for someone only to be completely turned off by them just as quickly.. let me explain. I seen 'Keith' this past Saturday at the gym and he seen me but we didn't talk which was fine by me because I wanted to distance myself from him as I felt he was leading me on and it was going nowhere and I was just wasting my time chatting with him and it left me feeling bad about myself like I wasn't good enough for him or something. So fast forward to Saturday night I was out with some girlfriends and its the strangest thing because I was thinking about him throughout the night when I was out for dinner and then we went out to a nightclub after and that place sucked so last minute we decided to go another spot and low and behold there was Keith on the dancefloor and it just so crazy considering that he was on my mind and then there he was right in front of me and I go out quite often but that is the first time ive ever seen him out so it was pretty surprising and I was pretty happy I even introduced him to my girlfriend. We couldn't really avoid each other like we did earlier that day at the gym because we made direct eye contact and he was pretty close by so I said hi and he came and talked to me and mentioned his friends wanted to take him out because he was leaving the next day. He also mentioned this at the gym once before but I didn't bother asking him any details about him leaving-where, why, for how long etc because I was trying not to appear overly interested in what he was doing anymore. Anyways right away he said I should get you a drink and asked me what I wanted to drink and I was pretty happy about that so I told him and he walked off and I just thought ok we are outside of the gym setting this might be a better opportunity to get to know each other better because maybe he didn't wanna be that guy at the gym trying to pick up girls so this was his chance to talk to me more and get to know me better.. So I went to the bathroom and then went back to the section I was in which was a reserved section for another friends bday but it wasn't closed off so anyone could still enter. I waited for 'Keith' to come back with my drink and I could see him out in the crowd and at first I thought maybe the bar was too busy as it was pretty packed that night and he didn't feel like waiting forever to get me a drink but he would at least come back and talk to me..i could still spot him across the room but he never did come back he just stood around on the opposite end of the night club where I could clearly see him the whole night. I even spotted him talking to another girl that night. So there it was as bold as it could be right in my face. I was mistaken I thought this guy was giving me signs that he was interested by the way he looked at me and the things he said I thought he was at least attracted to me but clearly i was wrong..he never did come back and he never did say bye before he left that night and I don't know if by leaving the next day he meant for good. He did move from another city across the country so maybe he decided to move back home. Regardless I think that was what I needed to get over him. It hurt and it upset me because he sluffed me that night but I talked to a guy friend and he told me he was never that into me or he wouldnt have done that and/or he wanted me to chase him and ask about my drink. The thing is I was getting free drinks all night so I didn't care about the drink it was just the fact that he offered and didn't follow through so yeah that is where the saga ends (technically nothing even started except in my mind and imagination lol) but I think I needed to experience that even though it sucked but it showed me who he really was and that's not the kind of person I could ever see myself with regardless of how I attracted i was to him

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror!

I am a young woman and I see a lot of guys liking all my pictures on social media and never engaging conversation, it's annoying! It's like they wait for a sign from me and they don't have the guts to engage conversation?

Anyways so I met someone at a party and he wrote to me around 5 pm to invite me to a show he had tickets for, the same night. So I said I already had plans. He said ok well we could get a drink soon if you'd like. And I said "sure that would be nice:)"

Now do I wait for him to ask me out again? Or can I contact him at this point?

thanks for your helP!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jul 10, 3:29 PM,
"Now do I wait for him to ask me out again? Or can I contact him at this point?"

A woman should always remain in her feminine (submissive) role, while the man remains in his masculine (leading, initiating) role. If you swap the gender roles and you become the aggressor and you begin chasing the man. . .it will not end well for you. At best you'll likely have a brief 1-3 month fling before he disappears (because he's uncomfortable, feels pressured, and is not in the lead role).

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