"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

How Do You Value Yourself?

When dating, it's important to maintain a healthy self-esteem. It's crucial that you value yourself if you want others to see you as valuable.

Having said that, many find (particularly women), that this is easier said than done. But there are ways to recognize your value and then project that worth to others maintaining pure confidence without the appearance of ego and arrogance.

You see, as women, many of us are taught (even if not by words) that the more you do, the more you give, the more you love - the more you will be loved. And that's simply untrue. The reality is that behaving like that with people (other than your children and a grateful husband - keyword, grateful) will most likely lead to you being taken for granted and will lead to others viewing you with a lower perceived value.


When dating, women tend to feel the need to "do" things that they erroneously believe will lead others to love them for it. Is he an alcoholic? "I can save him, he just needs someone to love him." Is he a narcissist? "Oh he loves me, he just can't show it." Is he a user? "He said he wanted to be with me but after we had sex, he disappeared." There's a common theme in each of these situations if you look closely. And that theme is that in each scenario, the woman is "doing" something to keep this going. With the alcoholic, she's babysitting to an extent. With the narcissist, she's making excuses. And with the user, she's providing sexual favors. In each of these scenarios, the woman is giving more of herself than she should be and is expecting to be loved in return.

How often do you think that really ends up being the case?

Not very often at all. And there's another theme running through each of those examples above. And that theme is one of value. In each scenario, the woman is undervaluing herself. She's in denial more or less and via her actions, signals that this is the best she feels she deserves. In each of these scenarios, the woman doesn't know her value as a human being and this causes her to settle for less.

Do you know your value? Let's find out.

How Do You Value Yourself?


How Much Do You Understand the Concept of Perception? (Observing)

How people perceive you depends highly on how you perceive yourself. If you talk yourself down, point out your flaws and share all your fears on the first few dates, basically giving the man 20 reasons he should NOT be interested in you, then guess what happens? He finds himself less interested in you. Not because of what HE thinks of you, but because of what YOU think about YOURSELF. You valued yourself low and as human nature would have it, thus influenced his overall decision about you.

People like to be around positive energy, and confidence is positive and very powerful. So you need to understand the direct connection between how you perceive yourself and how others will ultimately perceive you as a result.

How Much Do You Understand the Value of Selfishness When Done Without Malice? (Protecting)

I know, I know. You're thinking, "What the heck? How can being selfish ever be a good thing?" Well ladies, it can, it can be a very good thing - when done without malice and for the greater good - that "good" being YOU. I'm not telling you to be selfish to the point of harming others. I'm telling you to be selfish when it comes to protecting yourself from others.

Stop "doing, doing, doing" all the time. Cut yourself some slack. People will still love you, even if you don't act like an appliance for them. Women are at it 24/7 generally with busy careers, running a household, caring for others, children, etc. This causes women to have to "wear the pants" in many situations. But when dating, drop those drawers ladies (not literally, of course) - put on that dress, and let someone care for you for once. Let someone treat you special, let someone make you feel good about yourself.

If this individual doesn't do that for you, then you move on. Simple as that, you move on; you become selfish. And you acknowledge what you need from a man to make you happy - and you don't ever settle for less than that. Keep looking until you find it. Because it's what you deserve.

How Much Do You Trust Yourself? (Trusting)

When your gut's rumbling, do you listen to it? Or do you dismiss it and plow full steam into "danger" of sorts, attempting to convince yourself that you can somehow manage to navigate a tricky situation? Because, if you don't trust yourself, then how can you expect others to trust you? Trust is huge in relationships and it doesn't just exist between two individuals, it exists within yourself as well.

If you second guess yourself constantly, those around you will certainly pick up on your distrust of yourself. As a result, your credibility with them begins to wane. Trust yourself and build your credibility.

How Much Do You Think for Yourself and Trust Your Own Judgment? (Thinking)

Women are analytical thinkers, there's no doubt about that. But when analyzing situations, are you leaning on others to guide you or are you trusting your own judgment? (One of those situations where trust plays a role again.) If you tend to lean on others to think for you and to judge situations for you more than you think for yourself and use your own judgment skills - then you don't trust your own judgment.

Stop worrying about what others think and about what they're thinking. Focus on what you think.  In the end, your opinion is the only one that matters and if you trust your gut, it'll never steer you wrong.

How Much Does Your Self-Worth Come From "Without" Instead of Within? (Behavior)

If you find that you are always competing and always trying to live up to someone's expectations of you, then guess what? Your self-worth is coming from "without" - it's stemming from "lack." Because you feel you "lack" on some level, you then strive to "fill" yourself up from the outside and use that individuals reaction as an indicator of your self-worth.

Your self-worth should come from within. Relax, stop "doing," stop trying so hard to "fix" everything, stop giving more than you receive - and see how fulfilled you suddenly become.

How Much of a Set of Standards Do You Have That You Adhere To? (Belief)

When you have a set of personal standards that you adhere to, particularly when dating, it basically constructs your personal belief system.  If you adhere to that set of standards, then your beliefs stand strong. And if you stand strong in your beliefs, nothing, and I mean nothing, can influence you into doing anything other than that which falls in line with them.

Develop a set of personal beliefs and then stick to them.  Don't let anarchy reign, set some healthy boundaries for yourself and with others.

Take the Test


To find out just how much you do, or do not, value yourself, go through each question above and then jot down a number of 1- 10 that most closely relates to "how much" regarding the answer to that question. Total the numbers of your answers.

If you ended up with a total that's 20 and under, you do not value yourself.  If you've ended up with a total that's 21 -40, then you're halfway there. If you've ended up with a total 41-60, then give yourself a big pat on the back.

A Healthy Sense of Value and Self-Worth


To build a healthy self-esteem, confidence, and a strong sense of value and self-worth, it is necessary to "align" yourself properly and I believe that there are six main areas of focus necessary to do that. I've listed these six areas in parenthesis above as each question addresses one: Observing, Protecting, Trusting, Thinking, Behavior and Belief.

If you align your observations, you heighten your skills of protection. If you trust in those observations and the actions necessary to protect yourself, then your thinking becomes more clear. And once you're thinking becomes more clear, your behavior tends to fall in line and begins to solidify with your beliefs.  It brings to mind an old quote by Mahatma Ghandi:

"Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits, your habits become your values, your values become your destiny."

Trust me ladies, focusing and working on these six areas mentioned above is going to empower you.  You're going to trust yourself, you're going to feel in control, you will know what you will and won't tolerate from others, you will be comfortable setting clear and firm boundaries, you will know what it is that you truly believe in, your skills of observation and protection will kick into high gear and you will never question yourself again.

Most importantly, you will not find yourself being acted upon by others.

Your "dog" days are over, ladies:

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121 Comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank God you're there Mirror !!! Missed ya ! Muaaah

Gemini50 said...

Bravo Ms. Mirror, Cheers! w/coffee cup in hand ;)

For new readers:
Just as my high school art teacher would respond to students who would say they didn't know how to draw, "You don't take flying lessons because you already know how to fly," Ms. Mirror's articles/feedback here offers a path to practice the behaviors and skills outlined in this article.

You are worth your investment to read and practice! :)

wiseowl said...

another fabulous article Mirror, the ways women do and give in relating to men is surely inherited from observing out mothers, and their mothers before them- and also from the movies. We are taught to give only to our detriment. Its not until we go through so much in life the time finally comes when we say "hey what about me" and we start to live a little more selfishly which is a good thing for some, as its about time.

Aaron Richards said...

Smart! I like this and it's so true. A lot of women under value who they are and what they mean to others. Great article.

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much!! I wish I read this years ago. Soon to be divorced from a narcissist, and read a lot of myself in those paragraphs. I will keep this in mind now into the dating scene...

Peter said...

Well said MOA.

This is another very good post and one I wish all the ladies here will pay attention to. Know your value then show it, and you will get back what you put out. Follow MOA and her words of wisdon here as she is correct in everything she says.

Pisces Girl said...

hey Mirror i commented previously today but this is something that i just need to write about and it kind of ties in to how we as women value ourselves. Society nowadays seems to place so much value on marriage and kids and that being the only path to true happiness for women and makes us feel like we're just not normal if thats not something we think about,dream about and desire desperately. Maybe i never have because i grew up in somewhat of a dysfuntional home but my older sister made a comment today that life is nothing without companionship,marriage,and kids -thats right NOTHING-i have to admit i got pretty offended by this comment because it was so one sided! i told her that sounded like a very judgemental comment and she told me that's just my own insecurities talking. She said thats what brings her the most happiness and i was just overreacting and taking it all the wrong way and being confrontational.previous to that she told me i just have to be open to love and ill find it(hate when people give me advice when i dont ask for it) im really happy that she's found what's right for her but that doesnt mean that's what's right for everybody!were all different and therefore our definition of happiness is going to be different. Some women dont choose that path for themselves and they are perfectly content not to mention they arent tied down by a husband and kids -its funny because my sister complains about her husband sometimes and how much the kids stress her out but she makes a comment like that. I know she wants whats best for me and maybe i was over reacting a bit?? but a lot of people seem to be making comments like that these days-i just wonder if they really know what they're talking about!?? please weigh in

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Pisces Girl,
I see that a lot dear - and most times - from "happily" married folks, LOL ;-)

They've found their happiness and that's great, but that doesn't mean that what makes them happy is what makes everyone happy. And lots of times, and I really, really hate to say this, but the biggest offenders of this that I see. . .are those that seem to almost be trying to convince themselves - that they are actually happy, LOL. It's like if they say it enough, maybe they'll believe it. That's snarky of me I know, and I'm not trying to be rude, but that's just my observation.

Folks that tend to "project" their wishes and desires onto others - are generally suffering a "lack" of some sort in my experience. I'm happy being single. But I don't walk around telling women that's how they all ought to be. Yes, I advocate independence and an independent lifestyle, but I advocate that both in and out of relationships as I feel it's healthy. When women are alone, I try to show them the positive side of that and explain that there is happiness in it. But if they want to get married and they find a good man, there's also happiness in that as well.

Everyone has different needs. Some people feel a need to be loved and accepted by others and those are the folks that tend to be happier in relationships and as parents because the spouse and the children feel that "need" for them.

Some folks need independence. And those are the folks that tend to prefer a single life that permits free reign, career pursuits, travel, exploration, etc. and those activities feel their "need" for an independent lifestyle.

To each his own, ya' know?

But one thing I will say - your sister couldn't be more wrong about this erroneous belief:

"life is nothing without companionship, marriage and kids."

So, so incorrect. Love is what makes the world go round dear and drives us as a species. And love is experienced in MANY forms besides marriage and children. Mother Teresa had no children, but she made the world's children her own. And I imagine if you asked her, she'd tell you life was incredibly fulfilling. Additionally, companionship comes in many forms. Many without spouses find companionship and unconditional love in pets, in volunteer work, in charity work, in friendships, in family - in many, many varied forms. And I'm not one of those folks that believes that just because you can have children, you should be a parent. I've seen lots of folks blessed with children that I feel don't deserve them, abuse them, mistreat them, etc. Additionally, you can "mother" and "parent" many things besides children as well. Hell, I "mother" a lot of my friends, LOL ;-)

Not everyone's calling is parenthood and marriage dear. And many folks without spouses and children have actually put their skills to use doing great things such as the Mother Teresa example who "mothered" the world's children. Oprah has no children and no husband, but she too helps others and finds "love" in doing so. And I imagine if you asked Oprah if she feels she's lived a fulfilling existence, she'd give off a resounding, "YES."

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

And I'm going to venture into "touchy" territory here. .and no offense if intended to anyone, I'm just speaking freely here and sharing my own personal observations, but when I see/hear women make comments like the one your sister made about "life is nothing without companionship, marriage and kids" - I'll be honest, I kinda get a bit of a cringe. And I don't cringe because I don't like to hear that. I cringe because. . .I get fearful for the woman.

Let me explain. I've seen lots of women feel strongly as your sister does about marriage and children - until the marriage falls apart, the kids grow up and leave - and she finds herself alone. Then what happens is lots of times they start to say to themselves, "Who am I? Without my husband and without my children, who the hell am I? MY entire existence was about OTHERS. And those OTHERS have now gone. So where does that leave me? Who does that make me? Who the hell am I? What do I like? What do I want? Where did MY dreams go? What have I become?"

And before you know it, they realize that they never really knew themselves. Instead, they wrapped their dreams and ideas and beliefs and lifestyle around OTHERS, never once taking the time to "find" themselves.

It happens - and more than you'd think and probably definitely more than your sister thinks. She's happy now dear. But what if she found out her husband was cheating? What if he took the kids? What if the kids stayed after the divorce but then went off to college? Where would that leave her? Would she still believe that marriage and children are the ONLY ingredient for happiness and fulfillment?

Like I said, I'm not slamming marriage. Hell, I've done it myself. For me, it didn't work out. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't do it again. And that also doesn't mean that I feel it's the ONLY thing that would make me happy and fulfilled, because frankly, I'm happy and fulfilled without it right now, LOL.

You have to know YOURSELF dear. You have to find that which makes YOU happy and fulfilled. If that's children and a husband, so be it. If it's a dog and a cat, so be it. If it's being of service to others, so be it. If it's living a solitary life up in the mountains, so be it. If it's globetrotting around the world, so be it. If it's a corporate career and business success, so be it.

Get what I'm saying? We're all DIFFERENT for a reason dear. Each of us, in our own way, contributes to the "whole" of life in some fashion or another. And each of us finds "love" in one form or another. We need the parents, spouses, poets, artists, contractors, doctors, lawyers, volunteers, writers, activists, counselors, therapists, foster parents, adoptive parents, animal lovers, nature lovers of the world, ya' know?

If everyone was married with children and found their ENTIRE happiness in that - none of this other stuff would ever get done - everyone would just stop right there, LOL ;-)

People can be passionate about all kinds of things in life dear and contribute to those things in their own way and find fulfillment and happiness from those things just the same.

Our uniqueness and differences are what makes the world go round and we each contribute in our own way. We should EMBRACE that and cease trying to jam everyone into the same little box :-)

Don't mind your sister dear. She's just suffering a bit of small mindedness at the moment, tucked away safe in her little box LOL ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Pisces Girl,
Just as I finished writing that comment above, I came across this:

"We're Pissed to be Pregnant with Twins:"

http://www.cnn.com/2013/09/04/health/babble-twins-ivf-multiples/index.html

Their story is a complicated one, but it brings to mind the old saying, "Careful what you wish for" ;-)

Things that make you happy and fulfilled now may not always be the things that make you happy and fulfilled at a different stage in life.

pisces girl said...

society really needs to cease trying to jam everybody into the same little box! that's what really irritates me as soon as you decide to steer off the normal path of the way that things 'ought to be done' people start scratching their heads and wondering what planet you just landed from!instead of keeping in mind that we are all different and unique individuals-but I feel like people just have a harder time relating to others who are 'different' from them meaning not following the same life regimen - that 9-5 rut, family, kids, husband trap-the one that enslaves you to others who rarely if ever show any appreciation with little or no pay. Sometimes I also wonder if there is some envy there because they couldn't 'think outside the box' and be bold and live the life they really wanted- I certainly think that this world needs less deadbeat parents who just have children because they can and needs more mother theresa's and oprahs who impact this world in profound ways- If only everybody could adopt mother theresas children of the world mentality-what a difference it would make in this world if every child who needed to be loved and cared for and guided would be regardless of who that childs birth parents are...

pisces girl said...

as far as my sister is concerned I know she has her own shortcomings and insecurities so shes placing all her value in her husband and kids right now as a distraction from dealing with other dilemmas-right now she doesn't speak or have a relationship with our mother or father, one other sister and even her own two kids from her first marriage( long story but there father raised them) and shes been estranged they live in different cities which really hurts her since shes tried to reach out to them over the years but they haven't always been the most receptive since that bond was never built- so I think when she makes that comment she does so because she might feel like her own little family is all that she really has :( but I do hope that no matter what she will be ok and find peace within her self even when they're not around her-I know shes very anxious and couldn't enjoy a trip in vegas with our other sister because she couldn't bear being away from her 'babies' (6 and 8) so she cut that trip short and when she thinks about my niece growing up and leaving her she cries...I hope she wont be one of those overly clingy mothers when there older, shes already very over protective-I guess this is why a woman should define herself internally not externally-maybe this is why statistics show that elderly married couples usually die within a short time frame of each other because there spouse defined who they were and in their mind there is no life and no hope without them....that's no happily ever after if you ask me ....

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror: thank you for this article. In relationships, I tend to give a lot of myself and at the end I become resentful when I am not treated with the same love and care. I often wonder if I am the one who is doing all of the liking. Do you believe in the old saying that it is best for man to like or pursue a woman more?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Yes dear, I do believe in that and studies have shown that those situations have a higher likelihood of long term commitment.

Brad said...

Good Morning MoA...

This article is so true! :)

In my life I use the analogy that I am an island unto myself. Other people are islands too. When I like someone, I send warm currents into the waters that flows in between our islands. I never go onto another Island.

This is how I've learnt to value myself. I don't need anyone...because I have everything I need.

Rule number 1 in life, know thyself. Everything else follows naturally after that. What use is it to know everything except yourself? There is mystery beyond all secrets, there is beauty beyond the skin, there is inter dimensional wonder & there is strength beyond the muscles; that lies deep within us. Introspection is your compass, how can anyone dishonor you when you know the value of who you are?

For Example: When you enter a bar, the walls, the drinks, the tables & chairs, the people...every particle (animate or inanimate) gets affected by the inner you. If you come into the room feeling inferior & not sure of yourself, everything instinctively mirrors you. You have set the tone of yourself into your immediate surroundings. Life doesn't only exist on a macro-cosmic scale, it also exist on a micro & mono cosmic scale. About 95% - 98% of communication is non verbal, its mostly vibrational. When you meet a great guy or woman & you all of a sudden feel really comfortable, chatty, in great spirits, happy... these are all vibratory senses you are feeling. It's their essence communicating with you, non verbally.

This is the importance of knowing yourself. You emit your state of mind. There is an old quote that my WW1 veteran grand dad told me... "Victory is a state of being, which begins as a state of mind!" Be careful of your state of mind because it becomes your state of being.

Know your true value. Are you a slave for anyone? Why do you accept to be treated poorly, in the name of love? Ladies, emotions are good when they are not heavy... heavy emotions render you rigid & when something is rigid... it snaps under pressure. Be light, be fluid... have fun, know your worth, create a healthy state of mind & soon it will become your state of being.

For the ladies having trouble with creating a valuable sense of self, just think, you got where you are today just because of your previous state of mind. You are the sum of your previous actions & mind states. Start today to build a better tomorrow.

With love,
Brad :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Brad,
I'm glad you're finding the pieces here on the site useful and insightful. It's nice to see more men participating on the site in helpful ways instead of launching attacks, calling names and making idle threats :-)

While I will admit that I am a bit disappointed that you admitted in another comment to being a "bad boy," I do see that you are evolved enough to understand the big picture of what's going on and I believe that in the end - you'll chose to do the right thing because of your understanding of it.

And I am also grateful that you feel safe enough to express and explore that here, sharing your thoughts and experiences openly with others in positive ways, which signals that you have enough maturity to see things for what they are and a willingness to explore those sides of yourself openly.

And you are spot on with your concept of "energy" emission into one's environment - and how it is always reflected back at you, manifesting your ultimate experience in this third dimensional world.

And this, "Victory is a state of being, which begins as a state of mind!" Be careful of your state of mind because it becomes your state of being" - is all about "intention." The power of intention cannot be underestimated as I feel it comes second to love, as one of the most powerful things on this earth.

Man or woman - people are always only going to treat you - as well as you treat yourself. Which is why carrying yourself properly is crucial when dating.

I believe that your words will help many of the readers here and once again, I thank you for sharing your thoughts openly. I hope that you learn something from us, and the ladies here learn something from you. None of us are perfect and we all have our faults and we all make mistakes.

In the end, it is our willingness to face them and openly understand them and be willing to work on ourselves - that makes the difference.

Welcome to the community, Brad :-)

Brad said...

@MoA

I find many of your articles extremely insightful & they have really helped me. Thank you for the welcome & I will always give my point of view if I think it might be helpful to others. I will never know everything, neither do I want to...but what I know, I know it well.

What drew me to this site was the eloquence of your articles. You are a brilliant writer & a wonderful human being... I can only speak for myself, but you smash through the darkness with your clarity of vision & communication . Some people are born with a gift of clear vision & communicating, you are definitely one of them.
You perform noble deeds daily by helping people with real problems, not for a pat on the back, but through genuine love for life. I find it incredible & that is why I will gladly offer my insights wherever I can.

We have all have different paths that have lead us until today, but it's great to find people with a understanding of the fabric of reality that is in & around us every moment. I have always been fascinated by the inner workings of the life force that pervades everything in & around us. I am not perfect but I will say what I see. My gift is that I see things beyond the veil.

I haven't had the chance to read through all of your articles, but I am looking forward to learning from them.

I am sure we will speak again.

Have a great day MoA! :)
With Love,
Brad

wiseowl said...

Hi MOA, I believe I have a good self esteem and value myself very highly always putting my needs first in a relationship....I like this phrase "when I take care of myself first, I actually have more to give"...

However, now that I have been online dating for a year and sticking to my values, I wonder if Im missing out. The women who meet a man jump into bed with them the night they first meet and some men I did meet have found someone- meanwhile Im still sitting here alone, with my values, and expectations of how I want to be treated. Im wondering if you could do an article on long term dating- and keeping the momentum and postive attitude alive. I still have high hopes, but have lowered my expectations of finding someone, and the type of man I wanted. Im starting to feel I should just go with the next one who comes along- as Im missing the cuddles!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@WiseOwl,
Don't worry dear, you're not alone in that. I, too, have been there and I'm sure many other women here have as well.

"The women who meet a man jump into bed with them the night they first meet and some men I did meet have found someone"

Yes, that happens, and from the outside looking in, it appears as if all is well and everyone is happy. However, the reality is that many of those women - are settling, and probably putting up with a ton of BS just to keep the relationship afloat.

And the men, they've probably met women who are willing to settle for less, which suits their needs.

One personal observation I've made over time is this - many men, not all but many, actually NEED a woman who is NEEDY and willing to SETTLE. And I've noticed that the more macho the man, the weaker the woman that settles with him. And this is because macho men who are insistent upon their own way constantly will NOT choose a woman that is independent. Instead, they prefer a woman who is dependent upon them as it gives them a feeling of power, control and "manliness" that in turn, makes them feel less insecure about themselves.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that just because you witness a "pairing" take place - doesn't automatically mean it's a good one, or a HEALTHY one. Because the reality is that like attracts like - and unhealthy individuals pair with one another every single day. And those relationships usually consist of one person settling while the other has their cake and eats it too, and each is feeding off of the unhealthiness of the other in some way.

Just because the grass LOOKS greener on the other side - doesn't necessarily mean it is dear. And whether it's on your side of the fence or the other side - that grass still needs mowed (maintained).

When unhealthy folks pair, it generally results in approximately a 3-5 month relationship. Whether or not the pairings you're witnessing withstand the test of time, is another story ;-)

Anonymous said...

hey aphrodite.... (i been with my boyfriend for a year and havent met his family yet and he invited me to his parents event to cancel and was on instagram with a girl..
i have verbally disrespected him and in result he told me he dont know if we will ever be in a relationship. i told him that if thats how he feels then ok and thanks for the clarity and closure next thing i know he was telling me he lov me. i have not slept with hin because he said we are not in a relationship then he ask me if i wanna go to his parents event and cancel he say he lov me all the time but now he isnt callung me or texting me as much when he do things he lie and he acts like he dont have to answer to me. but he says that he dnt want to lose contact with me and that his heart is open to me but he dont trust me. he say he not trying to get his heartbroke but i dnt know of he says all these things to sleep with me or not but im not sleeping with him anymore until he commits it seems like he be close then he pulls away. i really lov him and he says he lov me but his actions arent lining up with his words and im starting to give up i cnt chase him and i cnt keep letting him treat me wrobg bit he acts like he has no remorse for my feelings and i asked him why is thngs so difficult and he said because then he will kno i lov him. xrazy thing is i dnt believe anything he says anymore because he lied to me and tht also makes me question if he really lovs me or not.. what shoild i do i feel like i failed and i feel ised and played

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@WiseOwl,
"One personal observation I've made over time is this - many men, not all but many, actually NEED a woman who is NEEDY and willing to SETTLE."

I should clarify that I'm referring to "unhealthy" individuals in that statement - which is why it doesn't include ALL men.

It mainly applies to insecure individuals, such as macho men, players and punks - not true gentlemen. Because a true gentleman is "well" and is confident and as a result, he will choose an equal to himself to pair with - a woman who is "well" and confident and independent (not needy).

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 20, 10:58 AM,
"what should i do i feel like i failed and i feel played"

Accept that you cannot change him, that you cannot control him, you cannot make him love you and you cannot make him want a relationship with you. He has to want those things himself and if he truly does, his words will align with his actions.

Once you accept that you can't change or control him - you realize that the only thing you can control - is yourself and what you do.

So now that you know how he is and that you can't change him - what are YOU going to do about it?

You have two options: Stay and beat your head against the wall, attempting to pound a round peg into a square hole. . .or choose happiness for YOURSELF, and leave him to seek out a man this IS sure about you and DOES want a relationship with you :-)

Anonymous said...

Thanks aphrodite! Its crazy because i know but i need these things i just need to get out of my feelings with him.. he hasnt called or text me all day today and im kinda happy because i can try to get him out of my mind and focus all on me.... I know he will reappear and I guess thats my fear. I love him so much i just need to stay away from him. Its so crazy but i keep getting myself in these situations were everything starts off right then the guy atarts trying to take advantage of me. I give it to him xas he was good he really had me convinced that he was a good guy and he was right for me but all along he was a dog!! I gotta switch things up! So let me ask you this.. from here do u think his behavior will get worse? How do I resist him when he reappears? Do you think he will reappear? Shits all over the place!! Rhanks though she is great!

Scorpiolady said...

I found this piece touching... Wanted to share :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=f-8jtBOorpE

The Type
by Sarah Kay

If you grow up the type of woman men want to look at,
You can let them look at you.
But do not mistake eyes for hands,
Or windows
Or mirrors.
Let them see what a woman looks like.
They may not have ever seen one before.

If you grow up the type of woman men want to touch,
You can let them touch you.
Sometimes it is not you they are reaching for.
Sometimes it is a bottle, a door, a sandwich, a Pulitzer, another woman -
But their hands found you first.
Do not mistake yourself for a guardian, or a muse, or a promise, or a victim or a snack.
You are a woman -
Skin and bones, veins and nerves, hair and sweat
You are not made of metaphors,
Not apologies, not excuses.

If you grow up the type of woman men want to hold,
You can let them hold you.
All day they practice keeping their bodies upright.
Even after all this evolving it still feels unnatural,
Still strains the muscles, holds firm the arms and spine.
Only some men will want to learn what it feels like to curl themselves into a question mark around you,
Admit they don’t have the answers they thought they would by now.
Some men will want to hold you like the answer.
You are not the answer.
You are not the problem.
You are not the poem, or the punchline, or the riddle, or the joke.

Woman, if you grow up the type of woman men want to love,
You can let them love you.
Being loved is not the same thing as loving.
When you fall in love,
It is discovering the ocean after years of puddle jumping.
It is realising you have hands.
It is reaching for the tightrope after the crowds have all gone home.

Do not spend time wondering if you are the type of woman men will hurt.
If he leaves you with a car alarm heart.
You learn to sing along.
It is hard to stop loving the ocean,
Even after it’s left you gasping, salty.
So forgive yourself for the decisions you’ve made,
The ones you still call mistakes when you tuck them in at night,
And know this.

Know you are the type of woman who is searching for a place to call yours.
Let the statues crumble.
You have always been the place.
You are a woman who can build it yourself.
You are born to build.

pisces girl said...

so sad about Gia Allemand (from the bachelor)! I didn't realize she committed suicide till now! and apparently its because her boyfriend told her he didn't love her anymore :(( so she hung herself at age 29-so heartbreaking because I can understand on a personal level when you love someone so much and they don't love you back how much that hurts and when you're in an unhealthy state of mind that can take you to a very dark place and lead to some really terrible outcomes as it did in Gia's case. That's why what you do here mirror is such a true blessing to so many of us ladies who are struggling in relationships and trying to find a meaningful one because you take the time to remind us that we are valuable regardless of what anybody says about us and a relationship is not the end all and be all in life but I guess for some females who are so invested in their relationships and cant picture life without that person the thought of being without them can be unbearable-ive been there and sometimes I still struggle but I come here daily for words of encouragement, hope, and reminders to not settle for someone who does not and will not ever value me-so thanks again xo

Gayle said...

These days I value myself very highly. I never used to though. It took a lot of "learning" about myself and those around me and closest to me to get to where I am today!

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror, I desperately need your take on this. I recently broke it off with my boyfriend (we have been together a little over a year, and this has not been our first breakup) because he worked alot which I did not mind, but during that time I felt under valued. When working 2nd shift 7 days straight he would send a generic "how was your day" text but not call at all. I felt we were not connecting and he was not being as attentive as he should be. During our short breakup my Dad passed, I sent him a text and his response was "Im sorry, let me know if you need anything". Is this how you treat someone you claimed to love? No call, no card, no flowers, just a text, I was hurt. He did send me a text a few days later..... not expressing his condolences but to vent about how he was angry with me for breaking up with him because he had to work. We started dating again, (he knew I was dating others) but he also knew I was not physical with them and that deep down it was him that I loved. The relationship became physical again. My question is this....... How can he claim to love me, sleep with me, yet not mind me dating other men??? When I asked him this his response was "it is your choice". If he were to date other women I would demand he stop or we were done, I definitely would not sleep with him. I just want him to give me the time and attention I deserve. I feel as though he couldn't possibly love me if he allows me to date others. I would not be able to stand the thought of him with another woman, whether they were intimate or not. All this confuses me and makes me question his real motives and intentions. Is he using me? Does he really love me? I really didn't want to be with anyone else, I simply wanted more time and attention from him. How could he be ok with this?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 10, 3:50 PM,
"this has not been our first breakup"

Ugh, you're not going to like this dear but. . ."we broke up a lot of times, but then we got back together, got married and lived happily ever after". . .said no one - ever :-(

"I felt under valued. . .he was not being as attentive as he should be"

Then why stay dear? Do you actually think you can change someone? You can't make someone love you, care for you, want a relationship with you or treat you right. You can't control those things. The only thing you can control - is YOUR REACTION to those things.

You don't stick around and try harder to pound a square peg into a round hole. Instead, you accept the reality that this man cannot make you happy and in addition to that, he doesn't appear WILLING to make you happy either. And when faced with that, instead of trying harder (to change someone), it's best to accept it for what it is - and decide for yourself (instead of waiting on a man to change and become your Prince) that he's NOT your Prince - and that you deserve better. And you end it.

"Is this how you treat someone you claimed to love?"

No it's not. But again dear, he is who he is. You can't change that and no amount of "talks" is ever going to change that either. This man is simply not capable, or is unwilling, to fulfill your needs. And when a man signals that to you, you don't try to change him and you don't try harder and you don't work harder at it - you end it and you move on. You accept that you're not a match and you decide for yourself to move forward and find a man this IS willing and capable of fulfilling your needs.

"He did send me a text a few days later..... not expressing his condolences but to vent about how he was angry with me for breaking up with him because he had to work."

He's selfish, self-centered, insensitive - and unwilling and/or simply incapable of thinking of others and then fulfilling their needs.

"How can he claim to love me, sleep with me, yet not mind me dating other men?"

If he had true feelings for you dear - TRUST ME, that would NOT be okay with him. No man wants to share something he himself appreciates and admires as his own.

"I just want him to give me the time and attention I deserve."

I realize that dear, but again, you cannot change someone. You cannot make them love you, fulfill your needs, want a relationship with you, etc. You simply can't. If he's treating you poorly and taking advantage of you. . .he deserves CONSEQUENCES for those actions. What he doesn't deserve is more of your attention for behaving badly:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

If your dog pees on the living room floor, do you reward it? Do you give it a treat? No. You issue a consequence, and you place the dog outside and AWAY from YOU. When a man treats you poorly and instead of issuing a consequence, you try harder. . .all you end up doing is signaling to him that any time he wants your attention. . .he needs to do something "bad" in order to get showered with it.

You reward only good behavior - and you issue consequences for bad behavior. That's what teaches people lessons, that's how you set healthy boundaries for how you expect to be treated and that's how you signal that that type of treatment WILL NOT be tolerated by you. Because someone can only treat you as poorly as you let them.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"All this confuses me and makes me question his real motives and intentions."

I would be too. And his character and actions and behavior are signaling to you that his intentions - are geared towards HIMSELF.

"How could he be ok with this?"

Who knows dear. But that doesn't matter. What DOES matter is that this man is not your match. He is incapable and unwilling to fulfill your needs. He is insensitive, selfish and apathetic. It appears to me that he's immature and not really relationship material as things such as compromise, caring for others, a willingness to make your significant other happy, sacrifice, etc. . .are all REQUIRED to make a relationship work. And those are all things he's not capable of or is unwilling to do. And that signals him as non-relationship material dear.

Try to move on here and thank your lucky stars that this happened and that you can now begin to move away from him and towards men that want to make you happy. A lifetime with a man like this is exhausting, depleting and thankless. And I don't think that's your idea of "happily ever after" so be thankful you didn't actually end up stuck with a self-centered prick like this.

Smile dear, this is good - you just don't realize it yet ;-)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your wisdom..... I respect it. I think he is sort of like an addiction for me, and I do realize it is not healthy, but it is a very hard cycle to break. I am not the personality type who would ordinarily tolerate this type of treatment, (I am in my 40's and have NEVER put up with men like this in my past. He seems to have some sort of hold on me I cannot explain. Sexual?? Maybe....... I don't know. He definitely doesn't shower me with time and attention however I do not seem to be drawn to any other man who may be willing to. I wish it was that easy to just walk away. Believe me...... I have tried numerous times, but keep going back for more. I know it's messed up, and I hate myself for being so weak when I have always been so strong. This relationship has depleted me and taken away my peace. I pray I will find the strength.

Anonymous said...

Hey MOA, I am the last post you responded to dated December 10. I broke it off with him, he accused me of being petty and says we always end up here, and have conversations and drama over what he considers petty. I am not contacting him but desperately want to send him what I wrote to you and what your response was just to show him others see what he has done as wrong too, because he makes it sound like it is me being petty. Would it be wrong to mail my blog to him and include your response? Do you think he would think I was crazy for doing it? I just want him to see that I am not the only one who see's something wrong with his behavior.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous December 17, 4:51PM,
That's up to you dear, however, who cares what a man like this thinks of you, ya' know? Send it to him if you like, but know that if you do so, you will just be perpetuating the situation. He will engage you in an argument and most likely become defensive, nasty, say more hurtful things and cause you pain as a result.

I know it's hard dear. And of course a selfish man is going to project his pettiness onto you - because he's selfish and selfish folks cover themselves in butter so-to-speak. . .meaning, everything slides off of them and onto you and they are rarely, if ever, accountable for their own actions. With them, it cannot possibly be their fault, it's got to be someone else's. They couldn't have possibly made mistakes - but others can and do regularly. That's how they see the world dear and that's why he's not relationship material. A life with a man like this would surely only bring you pain and would slowly chip away at your confidence and self-esteem.

Stay strong dear. . .because the best revenge - is doing WELL. They hate to see that, LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

Simply amazing article , and quite true when it comes to women .. love it .. and thankyou .. regards saima

Barbara Starr said...

My boyfriend of 3 years is married. I have expressed several times. I want him to herb divorce. And that I want to be married one day. He says he just don't want to pay for it. 500.00!.they have been seperated 7 years. I should not have gotten into a relationship with him. Its my fault I no. We are living together . The only time he says he will get a divorce is when I bring it up. Its apparent to me . He us not interesed in me. We got into a arguement about this. And I got mad and told him I don't want him to get a divorce. Its ok with Me. And I have decided I dont want to .b married one day. So that was his lucky day

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Barbara,
Honey, you have to value YOURSELF if you want other to value you. You set the bar for your worth. You're worth and sense of value does NOT come from a man. It should not stem from "without" (looking for your happiness in another). It should stem from within (being happy with or without another).

If you settle for less than you deserve, then you're signaling that that's "enough" for you. And if you do that, the man will never feel compelled to give you "more." If that is good enough for you, then it'll be good enough for him as well, ya' know?

Again, the control over that lies within you dear. And you control it by either settling, or by having the strength to know that you deserve better and walking away to free yourself up to find your match...someone who wants the same things in life as you do.

It appears that this man is not your match. And it appears that he's not willing to fulfill your needs. If you stay dear, you will only become even more resentful and your needs will never be met, which will cause you to lash out emotionally at times. It's understandable, that's what poor treatment does to people. And you want to be with someone that brings out the BEST in you, not someone that brings out the worst :-)

IHaveValue said...

I'm so glad I came across this. I used to value myself and had high expectations for what I expected out of a man. Then my brain shut off and my emotions took over. I've been reading your stories and I just started crying my eyes out wondering at what point I lost control. I have been such a fool. I have taken your advice and written it on my bedroom wall so it is the last thing I read when I go to bed and the first thing I see when I wake up. I will stay focused this time. Thank you a thousand times.

Barbara Star said...

Thank u. U are so right. Now I feel better. I was thinking I'm selfish. But you made me feel better

Anonymous said...

Dear mirror,
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and it has just completely gone to crap. We have both messed up with bringing other people into our relationship and neither one of us can let it go. He recently brought another girl into the picture. We have lived together for 3 years so I could be closer to college and he was so ready to mess around with her he was willing to move out but still pay his portion of the bills. We broke up after that but (and I don't know if this is a coincidence or not) she got a boyfriend and all of a sudden he wants to try and he gets so defensive when I bring her up in our fights saying she has nothing to do with our relationship but she has been a problem since the beginning. I love that I can be myself around him but he's so sketchy when it comes to his emotions. I tried the advice from the disappearing reappearing man when he goes out with his friends, comes home, and immediately sleeps on the couch. It's like he's only willing to try when it's convenient for him. I asked him to move out so that we could actually have some space but he basically refuses so I have to. It makes me sick cause I don't wanna lose him. I can be my super weird self with him and he doesn't care. I don't know what to do! Please help me!

P.s. I've been under serious stress cause my parents just got arrested and getting sentenced in august, I'm messing up in school, and I have 3 jobs right now. I'm so stressed out and he has a big problem with not getting the attention he wants from me cause I'm stressed out and its like he will go look for that somewhere else.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 22, 5:15 PM,
Get rid of him dear and focus on yourself. This man is emotionally unavailable to you. Meaning, he's with you, but he's not emotionally invested. And without that investment, he'll leave you constantly questioning yourself, he'll create heightened anxiety in your life and your confidence and self-esteem will suffer while your stress only increases.

Basically dear, he's not adding to your life in any way...he's actually detracting from it. Instead of adding happiness to your life, he's adding lots of grief, stress and anxiety.

When a man doesn't make you feel good about yourself dear and instead, he stresses you out and leaves you constantly questioning yourself...he's a negative presence in your life, not a positive one, and you need to rid yourself of the negativity. Particularly with all that's going on in your life right now. This man isn't going to provide the support you need. Instead, he's acting selfishly and much like a vampire, he's sucking the joy away. It takes two to make things work dear and when you're the only one emotionally investing, it's not going to work no matter how hard you try and no matter what you do. So it's best to just try your best to accept that and move on and find your happiness and focus on yourself instead of worrying and wondering constantly what his next move's going to be. You'll be better off investing in yourself dear instead of him :-)

Barbara Star said...

Very much so . So true my anxiety level was out the Roof. Ewe had another argument bout divorce he said ok he will but i didnt find it sincere. Felt like he was being pushed by me. He made me promise last year to never bring it up again. So he is gone. For good.

Barbara Star said...

So he has packed his junk and gone for Good

Barbara Star said...

I love myself. Again. Im important. Im Wonderful.im pretty inside and out

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror - I know women are beautiful at every age but lets face it in the dating world-age does seem to matter to men because youthful appearance in a woman and the ability to reproduce matter to the majority of them and it seems as though the older a woman gets the less society and men in particular place a value on her-it sad and unfortunate but that's how it seems to go. Im 29 and I haven't told the guy im currently getting to know my age yet, I do look younger and I try to take care of myself but im a little bit insecure about revealing my age because I don't want him to diminish my value as a woman, be disappointed and go pursue someone younger... I know it sounds so ridiculous because you shouldn't allow a man to place any kind of value on you in the first place because you need to value yourself enough but sometimes its hard. I don't want him to wonder what's so wrong with me that im still single and haven't ever been married and why nobody has snatched me up yet if I am such a prize-any advice?what is the best response when men ask ''why is a girl like you still single''...? I do hate that question by the way from anybody! truth is I was always insecure and had self esteem issues even though other people always tell me im very pretty.That along with being shy and nervous around men and lacking confidence. I also never really grew up having that deep longing and desire to be married and have children-it always just seemed to be more trouble than it was worth and I think that perspective came from growing up in a dysfunctional home with two parents who ultimately divorced.
So as far as that why are you still single question what would be the best response?
and how do you not feel insecure about your age as you get older and your still in the dating pool and haven't met your match?
and finally how do you cope with feelings of resentment towards a guy who disappeared and then reappeared years later- and essentially wasted years when he could of been working on getting to know you and forge a relationship in your younger more youthful years. He returns when your older after he's missed out on so many important moments and events in your life-the moments that essentially define who you are. Even if he does end up being your soul mate you still feel that sense of disappointment and resentment that he missed out on so much of your life and you on his..precious wasted moments that you can never get back..but I read that people come into your life at exactly the right moment and when the timing is right. Do you believe this Mirror?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jul 7, 9:59 PM,
"lets face it in the dating world - age does seem to matter to men"

I disagree dear. Age matters to immature, shallow men who only value a woman's looks - not the full package that her wisdom brings to the table.

But real gentlemen - guess what? They actually PREFER mature women. Dating a 21 year old to them is sometimes torture if the woman is also very emotionally immature. I know many, many men dear - both young and old - who ONLY date older women. And the reasons they prefer them are varied and multiple:

1) Older women are more confident and less insecure than younger girls because they "settle" into their skin and their looks as they age.
2) Older women are more mature than young girls. They're not out running around on a Friday night fooling around in the bars and doing silly things.
3) Older women are established in life. Generally speaking, they bring things to the table that make them equals. Things like their own home/apt., a career and their own income, they have a greater sense of responsibility, they are well versed in social skills (like when meeting friends and family), they are generally more outgoing in the bedroom, and they don't have to hunt them down in the bars on weekends.
4) They are independent and can take care of themselves and lead independent lifestyles.

Just Google "why men love older women" and you'll see lots more.

"im a little bit insecure about revealing my age because I don't want him to diminish my value as a woman, be disappointed and go pursue someone younger"

Any man who is that completely shallow...isn't even worth dating anyway dear. So if he leaves based solely on your age alone - screw him - be happy he's gone because he would've been an immature pain in the butt anyway.

"I don't want him to wonder what's so wrong with me that im still single and haven't ever been married"

Honey, do you know what the median age women marry for the first time actually IS now? In the U.S. it's 27, up from 23 back in 1990, and up from 20 in 1960 - and steadily rising daily.

And do you know which women wait even longer? College educated women. Most are marrying well after the age of 30 now. Women without college degrees are more likely to have a child earlier in life and also marry earlier in life. But those go-getter women with a career and independence in mind - they don't end up in that group.

Women who drop out of high school on average have their first child at 20, married by 25. 80% of first births in that demographic are to unwed mothers. So any woman focused on career advancement that's college educated and independent - marrying AFTER 30 is NOT at all unusual these days but rather...the norm.

Cont...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"what is the best response when men ask ''why is a girl like you still single''

Response, "I'm single by choice. I'm working on my career and my independence first, then family and marriage after I've established my goals. If an amazing man came along before that happened, I'd certainly be open to the idea of marriage. But until then, I'm staying focused on my goals."

"how do you not feel insecure about your age as you get older and your still in the dating pool and haven't met your match?"

I've been married dear and let me tell you - it's not always all it's cracked up to be. I've been divorced for 10 years and you know what? I've turned DOWN 2 marriage proposals in that time. I have my independence, my own home, I can do whatever I want whenever I want, I don't have to answer to anyone...I cannot even tell you how much I enjoy being single at 43.

When I think of marriage and relationships now, I get a feeling of dread LOL. Don't get me wrong, I'm not down on marriage...it's just that I'm not down on being single either. And the dread from the idea of marriage and relationships comes from the legalities that destroy your life when it doesn't work out. All that hard work you do to establish yourself and then BAM - you find out your husband has a mistress, he quits his job, leaves you, takes half of everything...and never looks back. And you're standing there cleaning up the mess he's left while he's out running around with someone new. Umm, no thanks - it's not all that appealing to me anymore to be quite honest.

"how do you cope with feelings of resentment towards a guy who disappeared and then reappeared years later- and essentially wasted years when he could of been working on getting to know you and forge a relationship in your younger more youthful years"

I can't relate to that dear. I'm not insecure about my age and I relish being single and being a mature, established 43 year old woman. Here's the thing honey...life is what you make it. If you want to focus on your age and the fact that you're not married, then that's your life. But...if you forget about what you don't have and focus on what you DO have...it's a very different story ya' know?

"He returns when your older after he's missed out on so many important moments and events in your life-the moments that essentially define who you are"

Those are YOUR moments, not his - so why is it necessary to have some man standing beside you while they're happening?

Cont...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Even if he does end up being your soul mate you still feel that sense of disappointment and resentment that he missed out on so much of your life and you on his..precious wasted moments that you can never get back"

Again, you're displaying a "glass half empty" negative outlook here dear. You are only 29. What's this guy missed, maybe ten years of your life? That's literally a miniscule 12% of your life. The average lifespan for a woman these days is 86 - which means there are 53 more years to enjoy. And mind you, they are much more important years than your 20's are. The things that happen in your 20's are nothing compared to the milestones later in life. Things like grandchildren, traveling, financial freedom or establishment - I can't think of one single larger than life even that happened to me in my 20's that compares to any of the milestones I've experienced later in life. They all seem so childish in comparison to me now.

"I read that people come into your life at exactly the right moment and when the timing is right. Do you believe this Mirror?"

Sort of...I believe that when YOU are ready to receive them and appreciate them - that's when the right person comes along :-)

Honey, you've got your entire life ahead of you. Seriously. As you get older, you'll look back on your 20's and have a good laugh - but that's about it LOL ;-)

You know how many times I look back at my 20's and wish I had waited LONGER to get married - so that I didn't make the foolish mistakes I made back then? If I knew then what I know now...I wouldn't have even thought about it till probably about 33-35 (instead of the very naive 26 I married at) - and I wouldn't have even given the man I DID marry - a second look.

At a very naive 26 years of age, he was enticing to me. But by 34 years old, I was racing to the attorney's office to divorce the immature asshole I foolishly married as fast as I could LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

thank you so much for your reply Mirror :) I guess I really just need to change my mindset and I have to remember that I told myself along time ago that I wanted my 20's to just be about me and not about a husband and children because although rewarding im sure they do constitute a lot of hard work, patience and commitment and your life focuses/priorities have to change. Its not just about you anymore. Or like my older married sister with kids says you're not 'foot loose and fancy free' (but i know she really wishes she could be sometimes). i do agree that men do see the advantages of being with an older woman but i think it's also important to be weary of the users who have an ulterior motive and whose main interests lie in what you have and what you can do for them rather than who you are and what you can offer as a woman.
i think my insecurity also lies in what his friends and family might think-im not that hot young chick anymore that would be the envy of all his guy friends but i guess i would rather not be that anyway. I would rather be the intellectual, independent mature woman who has it going on and has some real substance to her. I guess i just worry too much about what other people think and worry about the kind of questions that kind of put me on the spot and bring out my own insecurities such as why are you still single. But your response is perfect and i will remember that when asked-i figure even if i got dumped in the past by my asshole ex he doesn't need to know that! one thing i realized is that guys lie and over exaggerate the truth to make themselves look and sound better all the time and we as women should tell them whatever we want as well- a response that builds up our stock and value up in their eyes not brings us down.And your right nothing really monumental has happened for me or to me in my 20's but there were so many times when i did wish i had a good man by my side to see me through those happy times and help me through those rough patches and the fact that we crossed paths at one point earlier in time-well he could of been that man but he disappeared instead. And even though those experiences were all my own i think you connect with people when you share your life and your experiences with them and the relationship has a stronger chance to grow and manifest itself over time. So the fact that he just disappeared and then reappeared it does bother me but i suppose the timing wasn't right either and i would of driven him off because i was making a lot of mistakes with men (prior to finding your site) which has been a complete game changer for me and has completely opened by eyes.
I do feel good now about never having been married because i think if i was it would only be because i felt pressured and probably just settled and would be miserable. So i think i just need to relinquish this need to control everything and let go and allow a higher power to guide my life and allow things to unfold exactly the way they are meant to and just trust and believe it will all work out.
Thanks again Mirror-stay the beautiful, insightful woman that you are

Barbara Star said...

Thank u mirror. I look forward to a New relationship no hurry though.it Will come to me . I look forward to love. Its Wonderful. The next one however Will be unmarried and he have no love letters from his wife tucked away .LOL...no drugs. Just pure healthy love

Ann Edridge said...

Thank you for a wonderful website MoA...there is so much useful information here to learn.

I agree with what you say about totally focusing on family, home, husband etc. I have done that for many years and now my world has been turned upside down 2 years ago. My husband had a brain hemorrhage is now disabled and we no longer have a relationship and I am just his carer....all my kids are grown up doing their own thing. So all I have left is the home which I really no longer care about, as no-one else does. I spent nearly 18 months feeling worthless, helpless, lonely not knowing what to do.
Last year a man took interest in me and began to text me, I just replied as a friend would do when I could be bothered. However he persevered and earlier this year I agreed to meet him. Since then it has been a whirlwind of emotion. My self esteem has grown, I do feel more confident, and I have even reached out and got some new friends with who I can go have some fun with.
This being said, I am still cautious as from reading other posts on your site, he sometimes doesn't text etc, so I have now put into practice you NC advice, which so far is working :)
I am 52 and he 60 so we are not youngsters, but its all still a learning curve in this new age of technology.
Its so hard to get 'you' back after years of looking after others, but atm I am very slowly beginning to think it may be possible.
Thank you for all your advice.
AJ

pisces girl said...


If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. 
If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t “be friends”. A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend. 

Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don’t stay because you think “it will get better.” You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. 

You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within. Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are. Even if he has has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. 

Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else’s man. If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending… Compromise is two way street. You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage… Deal with your issues before pursuing a new
relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE
individuals. Look for someone complimentary…
not supplementary. 

Dating is fun… Even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes… When a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him ~ he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother’s house. Never co-sign for a man. Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others. 

Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful: Dr. Phil says… You should know that: You’re the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he’ll miss out on a good thing. If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he’s not the only one. They’re all watching you, so you have a lot of choices. Make the right one. Ladies take care of your own hearts… 

 

 

oved reading this and thought I'd share it with you ladies its what Oprah had to say about men and relationships....

pisces girl said...

"If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay."
that really stuck with me because it couldn't be more true! and with that being said mr credentials called me yesterday this is after we had a few message exchanges over the weekend and me telling him I missed talking to him and him replying that he did too but that since my interest in him seemed to swing like a pendulum he couldn't take me seriously so he wished me well and said keep in touch(burn!)..but at least I said what I needed to say to him and told him why I wasn't too pleased with him and I also made sure to remind him that his credentials wouldn't keep his bed warm at night nor would they give him the kind of happiness he was looking for in the form of love and a family one day. Since he was not in his city he couldn't really reply and I thought he would of by Monday when he got back but he didn't so I ended up blocking him again on watsapp and I could tell he did the same so after that I basically wrote him off and was pretty bummed out but then.... he called me yesterday. I was surprised to hear from him! but pleasantly surprised..although he still maintained that I was at fault for cutting off communication without notice and I should be sorry about that. I did end up apologizing only because I feel that I should of at least let him know why I was upset and bothered because the reality is most men cant read minds and I do feel better that at least now he is in the loop and knows why and it wasn't just because I was trying to snub him or reject him it was due to HIS actions. He did say he wasn't going to give up after just a few calls which I appreciated because most guys would of. I know he's sensitive and takes any perceived slights very personally and to heart (cancer leo cusp) and I know he can be arrogant and have an inflated ego (leo) and act like a female (cancer) but for some reason I like this guy and I realized its his intelligence and spirituality which is so very hard to come by..but im being my same self and just sitting back and allowing him be a man and pursue if he chooses to do so and ill just take it one day at a time and see where things go. I agree that over communicating is definitely not a good idea with men but if im bothered by some thing (s) in the future im going to let him know right off the bat in a very direct yet calm way and if he doesn't take note and change his behavior or attitude or whatever it is then I will definitely be cutting communication again and it may be indefinitely

purenkool said...

I read all the MOM articles and her replies to posts to remind myself that all these simple truths stand firm.
I have to look hard at my own actions or reactions to a man treating me so-so, using No Contact as consequence, enforcing personal bounderies, setting men challenges to earn rewards (my attention).
I had to learn this the hardvway as romantic chaos usually leads to painful experiences. So as a gemini woman I keep learning, keep self-improving, keep getting more self aware. My value as a woman is great. Thank you MOM for giving us practical advice! This site gives moral support in a sea of confusion.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@purenkool,
"...all these simple truths stand firm. I have to look hard at my own actions or reactions to a man treating me so-so, using No Contact as consequence, enforcing personal boundries, setting men challenges to earn rewards (my attention)."

That's absolutely right dear. No matter how much society changes or how much people would have you think dating has changed - the simple fact of the matter is that as human beings, our DNA has not. We are all still wired much the same as we were thousands of years ago. And if you want respect, man or woman, you have to respect YOURSELF first :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi mirror,

I have found dating rather disheartening lately - and I'm not sure if it has to do with online dating itself.

I just want to be nice, but almost every time that I am, I feel like the guy gets cocky and takes my attention for granted.

When I get fed up, I just disappear...and they panic and chase me down for weeks and months afterwards. One guy texted me (after months of no response), "Are you off with someone else?? :("

By nice I don't mean acting like a doormat or initiating. I make an effort to return calls, reply texts within hours, show interest in my messages, let them know if I am running late if we're meeting..

I have yet to be rewarded by this change in behavior.

When I go back to how I usually act - taking a long time to return calls, replying within 12-24 hours, showing more interest in talking about myself, not apologizing for being late - I have guys following me around like a puppy (this sounds wrong but that's how it feels).

I can spot a player a mile away (and often even the fake gentlemen kind after what went down with the Libra lawyer)... but it's disheartening to treat seemingly NICE nerdy guys well, then watch them slowly turn cocky, then start qualifying me like a normal player would do.

It's like me being nice turns guys into jerks.

What am I doing wrong? :-/ Should I try to meet guys elsewhere (not online)? Or take a long break?

- Vivian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Vivian,
Don't change your behavior. Men love a challenge and always will. It's a known fact that once you start to make yourself more available to a man, and you start to accommodate him more, he naturally begins doing LESS, and trying less. It becomes easy to be complacent, and without even knowing it, the reassurance causes the woman to be taken for granted. Hence the old saying, "keep em' on their toes" by playing hard to get.

Guys love a challenge dear - give them one ;-)

Anonymous said...

i truly appreciate this sound advice. I've been there before, doing, doing, doing, to be accepted by a man. I want to be appreciated and loved for who I am and by not what I do.,I see life in a whole new way now. Today is the new me. Again, I appreciate this wise counsel.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror—I love your articles. I wish I should have known about this site because as a grown woman in the dating arena, I am still finding it hard to let the guy I’m dating understand/respect my limits/boundaries with consequences. So, I was wondering with your vast experience and the knowledge that you have been sharing with other ladies on this site, hoping you could give me some suggestions/advice on my situation.
Situation: My guy and I have been dating exclusively for 8 month now. We have our up and down moments like every relationship. We both work different shifts, I’m mornings and he’s afternoons. Saturday thru Sunday/Monday morning he stayed over, he had mentioned to me that he’ll be coming back over Tuesday after work. So this morning I woke up to him not lying next to me. There was no missed call from him nor a text. So today when I talked to him, I expressed to him that I had missed him last night. He said he missed me too. To me, his response did not feel too genuine. Then he goes on to say that he’ll be coming over tonight. This is not the first time he said he’ll come over but doesn’t show or give a reason why he didn’t. I know he goes home from work and he only goes to the bar on Friday nights. He has very predictable patterns and plus he doesn’t have any friends. I don’t want to sound like a nag if I tell him how I felt about him not calling or sending me a text or something to let me know that he is not going to be able to make it. So, what would you suggest, any advice? How should I handle this? There has been times where he’ll make comments like he “runs this relationship”. I just giggle inside and say to myself oh you think so… Also, there was a point in our relationship where it felt one-sided, meaning that I was always going over to his place, but he’ll make an excuse not coming to mines. So I would stay at home, no call/texts, do my own thing. Then when he finally calls and asks me out, he’ll say that “I’m doing it all wrong”. Any idea?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 10, 9:17 PM,
"There has been times where he’ll make comments like he “runs this relationship”."

Runs the relationship? Why does he need to control it? A relationship is supposed to be a partnership, not a dictatorship. Sounds like there are control issues here.

"This is not the first time he said he’ll come over but doesn’t show or give a reason why he didn’t...I don’t want to sound like a nag if I tell him how I felt about him not calling or sending me a text or something to let me know that he is not going to be able to make it. So, what would you suggest."

I suggest not SAYING a word and the next time that happens - you take ACTION instead. He's "powering" over you here, so you need to level the playing field to make this more equal, so you don't get run over.

The next time this happens, you DON'T call him afterwards, and you DON'T take ANY calls from him either - for at least 3 days if not more. And you DON'T answer texts either - you don't make yourself available to him when he takes you for granted. That's his consequence - no access to you. It will signal to him that if he wants access to you, he has to treat you right and with courtesy, like a man who cares should want to do. The only time he gets access to you is when he treats you right. When he treats you poorly, you disappear and go silent - forcing him to REPEATEDLY reach out and APOLOGIZE before making yourself available to him again.

If he refuses to do so, then you stay silent and you put him to the test. If he doesn't pull through for you and do the right thing and treat you right and apologize to you...then this man isn't worth your time dear. And it will only further confirm my suspicions that there are control issues here at play. You're not asking the world of him - you're simply signaling that when he doesn't treat you right, he doesn't see/talk/hear from you again - until he does the right thing, and apologizes.

If he's a man who cares, this should come easy for him. If it doesn't - then you know he's not a man who cares enough to do the right thing and take your feelings into consideration :-(

Eva said...

MOA, could this apply to friendships, too? I have a situation and I hope you could advice me on what I should do, because it's absolutely frustrating and I want to move on with my life without appearing like a cold heartless bitch.

It concerns a childhood friend and we're each other's first love and best friend. We knew of our feelings for each other but didn't date because he moved away. We reconnected years later and decided to give it a shot, but he broke it off after the first week and disappeared for another few years. The rejection nearly destroyed me but it transformed me into someone stronger. He reappeared with a brand new girlie, and by that time I was on the path towards full recovery and decided to see it as a lesson in letting go. His excuse for showing up was, he wanted to "reconnect" and be friends like we were before, and at first I was hesitant but he chased me - gave me many missed calls and text messages - I thought he meant it and so I decided to give him another chance.

I thought we could be friends like before, but I feel like he's using me. I don't know how to explain it - it's just a gut feeling. He would send me flirty texts, some of them bearing the appearance of sexts, but I didn't want to read too much into it. He tells me he still finds me beautiful. Also, sometimes I feel like he's playing hard to get? Like, he would initiate a conversation and I would follow-up but he will disappear in the middle of it, and being the person who loves a good conversation, I feel so dissatisfied and respond almost like a desperate woman chasing after a man's attention. It was humiliating when I snapped out of it and realised how my behavior could be perceived that way.

He's a good friend in his own way, but I don't want to have a friendship that's like a cat-and-mouse game. He's not my boyfriend and I certainly don't want to enter into a relationship with him. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm the only one seeing this as a friendship. It's getting tedious now. I wonder whether I have devalued myself by giving him a chance and allowing him to treat me this way. My worry is of him crowing to his buddies about this girl (me) who is "chasing" after him, except I'm just trying to get him to finish the damn conversation FFS.

I know I could talk it out with him, but I decided against it because there's a good chance he would misinterpret it and feed his ego, and I won't give him the satisfaction. Do you think it's worth salvaging a friendship with an old friend, even when he's behaving this way?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Eva,
"could this apply to friendships, too?"

Yes - it can apply to ALL relationships in life.

"Do you think it's worth salvaging a friendship with an old friend, even when he's behaving this way?"

Not if HE isn't investing into it as you are, and not if he makes you feel like he's using you for an ego boost and nothing more - that's not a friendship - and it's not fair and equally balanced. He's taking more than he's giving and he's taking advantage to an extent as well if "he would initiate a conversation and I would follow-up but he will disappear in the middle of it." Again, good friends don't treat their friends like that with regularity :-(

Anonymous said...

Happy new year mirror!

Thanks for your advice suggesting I be more of a challenge to guys. I usually am (when I don't give a sh#t), but when it comes to someone I like, it's really difficult (all rules fly out the door!).

After I ditched the free dating sites months ago since I was tired of guys who have no idea how to date properly - I was curious to join a paid site again to see if the guys were any different.

Sadly, it's not, LOL. The guys are slightly better - as in, I'm being asked out - but I'm blown away by how many guys are in a relationship and not revealing this in their profile (too damn easy to Google image search their picture and find their social profiles).

It's rare I find guys who are my physical type, but there's one nerdy German guy I've been attracted to.

But... within the past week I have found out:
- he lied about his age (stated age is 40, but on another website he's 42)
- he lied about his name; his real name sounds German, but he gave me a common name like Mike
- he co-owns (or perhaps just works) with another woman who owns a photography studio (my gut feeling is that they're in a relationship); in some of their bios they're referenced as a "photographer couple"
- in 2010, there was some family law proceeding record I found between him and another woman. Don't know if it was a marriage or divorce. They also co-owned a business together (seems like a pattern!).

After all this sleuthing, I tried to test him... I said I noticed there were a high % of men who were in open relationships or looking for something discreet on the site. If he wasn't, we could talk. If not, I wished him luck.

He replied laughing, "haha happy new year to you as well" and he said it sounded like I didn't have a good experience.

He did not reassure me he was single, nor did he say anything about his relationship status.

I was ticked off, because I was trying to confirm whether he was single or not - but I guess I shouldn't expect a guy to spill this information unless asked directly - ie "ARE YOU 100% SINGLE?!?". Even then, he might not in order to keep his sexual options opened.

He also told me the city he lived in and the area he worked - and then asked me where I lived (he explained it was because he wanted to know where would be a good place for us to meet).

Mirror, based on what I've told you - if you were me, would you go out with this guy?

Please talk me down if this is a horrible idea!! I realize I have the blinders on when I get sucked into the attraction...

- Vivian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Vivian,
I wouldn't waste my time dear and here's why:

"he lied about his age. . .he lied about his name"

If a man is on a dating site and keeping the basic facts about himself a secret, like his age and name, do you know why they do that?

Because they have no intention whatsoever of ever entering into a relationship with someone from the site. You do not provide a false name, date someone for weeks, then reveal who you truly are - and expect that to lead somewhere positive.

Additionally, this is done so that when someone sits down and searches that site (say, another woman looking for him), upon a search - zero results would be provided - because the name and age are incorrect.

Bottom line - if you're keeping your identity a secret. . .then you are not dating seriously. Instead, you are looking to pull the wool over someone's eyes and fool them, so you can disappear off into the ether and this person can never find you in real life :-(

Anonymous said...

@ Vivian, I just wanted to add that I'm impressed with your 'sleuthing' :) . Good job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mary

Anonymous said...

@Mirror,

"if you're keeping your identity a secret. . .then you are not dating seriously"

*Nods*, true. There's one guy who I talked to for about a month last year but stopped after I felt he was a bit immature, who I now track on a different site...and you know what he does? He changes his age almost every couple of days.

Not by much, but some days he's 31 some days he's 35...and today, he felt like he was 32. Well no surprise, he's a libra, LOL.

Oh and mirror, wanted to ask you... what rules apply to developing a relationship with a male mentor?

Years ago I was involved with a guy in a different state who mentored me (we met at a party, not a professional event)...in the beginning I initiated nearly all our communications as I was asking for his help (the guy retired at 35 - I wanted to know all his secrets) so that seemed normal to me.

When it turned romantic (we were both newly single), I naturally continued the initiator role... because I had been doing it all along. (Btw, did not end well.)

Looking back - based on what I've learned on your site - I would have pulled back, and let him come to me. But...wouldn't it be hard for roles to reverse when things turn romantic - especially if I initiated mostly in the beginning?

I'm in another mentor-mentee relationship (beginning stages)... and our similar personalities and energy is starting to make me aware of the possibility of something sparking up between us (we are also both single).

I don't know if it's ok to initiate now (say if he asks me to e-mail him or call him on skype)...but if it ever turns romantic... will things fall naturally into place when I pull back and be submissive? Or will he think I'm game playing because I have been proactive this entire time.

Thanks for all your help!

- Vivian

Anonymous said...

Thanks @Mary! I've been really careful after since I had a real life stalker (that I met online) when I was 13, so I've had a lot of time to hone my sleuthing skills over the years. Always Google image search a guy's pics and double check on Tineye.com. ;)

- Vivian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Vivian,
"wouldn't it be hard for roles to reverse when things turn romantic - especially if I initiated mostly in the beginning?"

That's why I warn against women starting things off by taking on the masculine role (leader, initiator), and instead, suggest that they always remain in their feminine role (submissive to the lead).

"I don't know if it's ok to initiate now"

It's never really okay to initiate if the man has never asked you for a commitment. Because at that point you're still casually dating and the man should be pursuing you until he asks for that, and even once you're in a committed relationship, I still suggest letting the man be the man for the most part.

"will things fall naturally into place when I pull back and be submissive?"

Not if you start things by taking the masculine role. A woman should only be slipping back and forth from a masculine role to a feminine role in her career if necessary - but not her personal life. Men are attracted to feminine energy. If they were attracted to masculine energy, they'd switch teams ;-)

"will he think I'm game playing because I have been proactive this entire time"

Being proactive in dating as a woman only requires a "yes" or "no" - it does NOT require any leading (masculine) actions. The man should always be leading (masculine) and the woman's role (submissive) is simply only to decide whether or not to submit to his lead.

Tiff720 said...

Hi MOA....

So I'm all moved in to my Husband House. It's been a month now and very little has been done. Before moving in, he had not ready his place for me to move in. I'd asked and he'll say he'll get to it but never did. So since my least to my apartment had expired, I moved in. I knew he wasn't the cleaniess person like I am. Actually I'm kindof annal when it comes to cleaning, but I also thought that I can work with him. Needless to say, after living with him for a month now I am struggling trying to get him to put things away so we can declutter all of the things. I've even expressed to him that I'll get rid of my things (eventhough they're more modern and new), but he digressed. We're married now and trying to compromise with him has been such a hassle. How can I get him to be more proactive in decluttering things around the house and cleaning? I've asked him, I've moved things on my own to try to get him to notice and want to help but he sits around watching porn or sports that it eerks the heck out of me. I've told him how his watching porn is bothering me because he's putting more of his time into that and not us. He says that I'm tripping and being overly controlling. Seriously! How can I express to him the things that are now starting to come up that hadn't before without getting overly emotional, and demanding but in a way that it gets to him and he starts being more proactive?

please help

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Tiff720,
"How can I get him to be more proactive in decluttering things around the house and cleaning?"

Well, you really can't control others ya' know? You may never be able to get him to do this, and you have to accept that. So knowing that, it makes more sense to work around it somehow, rather than attempt to control things that you cannot ultimately control (like other people).

Here's what I used to do when I was married about this issue. I used to pick up my things and my clothes and put them away. Then I'd pick up his things, and pile them on his side of the bed on the floor (this is where he left 90% of his things anyway LOL). And I'd just leave them. I'd just leave them be his problem, and I wouldn't worry about his stuff, cause he'd complain when I messed with it anyway.

So what eventually happened is that his pile would get so big, he'd be forced to deal with it. After about maybe. . .eight weeks or so of this, guess what? He suddenly took a very strong liking to the idea of a clothing hamper LOL. Next thing ya' know, instead of leaving his stuff laying around for me to pile up on his side of the bed, he's placing his things into the hamper.

If you're going to deal with it and they KNOW that, then the chances that THEY will do something differently are slim - because in a way, you're enabling them to continue doing what they're doing because you're making it YOUR problem. But - when you don't take it on as your problem, and you leave it for them to deal with. . .they eventually work out how to deal with it on their own.

". . .he sits around watching porn or sports that it eerks the heck out of me. I've told him how his watching porn is bothering me because he's putting more of his time into that and not us. He says that I'm tripping and being overly controlling. Seriously!"

I'd handle this similarly as well. Don't complain verbally about the porn issue. You can't control him and you never will. Instead, control YOURSELF while he's doing what he's doing. And by that I mean - when he's engaged in these activities, you find something to engage yourself in instead. So maybe while he's watching porn and sports, you turn on the radio and listen to your favorite CD. Or maybe you get on the phone and start gabbing to your girlfriends loudly. Or maybe you go shopping or you leave the house and go out for the afternoon without him. And you don't say a peep about what he's doing.

Because men do not respond to WORDS, they respond to ACTION. Theirs is the language of action, so take action instead of using words.

And once he's no longer hearing you verbalize about the sports or porn and instead he sees you engaging in things you enjoy that are also somewhat disruptive to him (as his porn and sports are to you), he may eventually realize that if he wants more of your attention, he needs to give you more of his.

In otherwords, once he sees that it's not bugging you anymore and that instead, you've come up with ways to entertain yourself that do not include him. . .once he's no longer getting the "reaction" from you that he's expecting - he may suddenly wake up and take notice to the fact that he's now a husband, and realize that that comes with new responsibilities - and it's time to grow up and be a good husband.

Tiff720 said...

Hi Mirror,

This is tiff720 again, geesh this married life is a little complex... So my husband and I went to the mall Sunday. While in a particular store trying on some clothes, I walked out of the fitting room and saw him talking to a woman. I thought she was a sales lady and they were talking about the clothing but as I was trying to get his attention to come to me. I didn't see him waving his hand at me to come to him. I was the only person in the fitting room and I did not want to leave my purse in the room. But I did. As I walked over to him, I was asking him to come to the fitting room. Blatantly ignoring the lady. Then he said that he wanted to introduce me to the lady. I turned and looked at her. As he was talking (I caught tunnel vision), she looked very familiar so I was trying to piece where I've seen her before. Then both of them mentioned at his cousins house. I said oh wow that's right and gave her a hug and started to walk away because I was worried about my purse in the fitting room... After leaving the store, my husband mumbles to me that I was very rude to her. I looked at him and said I wasn't and walked to the restroom. He then said I was becoming defensive because he told me that I was rude. Okay, granted I could've handled the situation better, but I honestly don't know what was going on through my mind. So I began to become annoyed by his accusations of me being rude because I'm never a rude person.
We left the mall and drove home in silence. I was upset that he would call me rude. Then to top it off we get in the house, he tells me how rude I acted and I was insecure. He watches alot of porn and turns the volume up loudly so I could hear while I'm in the other room (then sometimes he'll come show me some things in the porn, I'll glance but then turn away) and when we're out he sees women with tight clothing and their backsides are big/large, he'll began to comment. This is constant that he's always commenting on other women and watches porn daily. It seems that now that we're married, things are starting to come up. I've told him before that his watching porn bothered me and him commenting on other women also. I don't think that's part of insecurity. I am a very attractive woman and get approached quite often but I shut all advances down. After expressing my concern for his wandering eyes & porn watching. I have backed away. I just go into the other room to watch tv, listen to the radio or leave the house.
Needless to say, I know I could've handled the situation with the lady at the store better. But I owned up to it and apologized to him for my behavior. I had other things going on in my mind that was not a concern for her.... Now it seems that he has shut down, looking at me differently, not saying much, seems COLD!!! I told him last night as we were going to bed that I know we haven't been on the same page over these last couple of hours, but I accept him whether I like it or not and I am working on our relationship to be secure and understood. He then kissed me and said goodnight. I don't like this feeling but I know that I am a secure woman, very attractive, educated with a lot of common sense, but he tells me that I don't trust him. If I didn't, I don't think I would have married him. He says that I'm insecure... Mirror, can you please help??? How should I handle this? Is there anything I can/should say to him? That's a lot of negative things about me that has never been said to me before. However, just the other day he was praising me. Telling me how great I am at this and that...Please help... I didn't know being married for almost 2 months is this complex..

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Tiff720,
Honestly, I don't think this is worth battling him over. In a marriage, the phrase "pick your battles" applies tremendously. Not every little disagreement is worth taking on as a large "battle" of some sort, aimed at a winner or someone "right" coming out on top, ya' know? There are many things that simply aren't worth fighting over, so save the "battles" for the things that really ARE worth a fight.

In this case, I'd apologize and simply tell him what he needs to hear - which is that you trust him, you're sorry if he misunderstood your behavior, you had other things on your mind. . .and next time he introduces you to someone, you'll make it a point to provide your undivided attention to the encounter.

If HE has not adjusted HIS behavior after receiving a sincere apology from you with the promise of handling the next situation differently. . .then that's his "stuff" to work on - because he, too, must now pick his battles wisely as well. And if he's going to turn every little disagreement into a battle that carries on for days or weeks, then he's going to be guaranteed to be unhappy as a result.

This is where maturity and being really "ready" for a healthy committed relationship come into play - maturity is a must-have in order to have a long lasting relationship. . .as well as compromise, which is something you'll both need to provide to one another in order to make it over the little bumps along the way.

So if I were you, I'd focus on doing my part here with the sincere apology and a promise to do it differently next time (delivered without any defensiveness or a feeling of needing to protect yourself) - and then I'd let him work his way to the realization that he, too, needs do a bit of the same :-)

Tiff720 said...

Hi Moa,

Thank you for all of your advice, suggestions and articles. They're great and very helpful.

I have this problem and wondering if you could help me... See, my husband and I got married and combined our things into his house. After a couple of weeks living with each other and trying to compromise. It seems things are running into a dead end. He doesn't want to get rid of his stuff, complains that I have too much, but when I suggest to give all of my things away so we can buy things together instead of calling our own. He says NO. So since he sits in his lazy chair and not pick up a thing. I began to move things around. He gets mad at me for doing this and tells me to let him be the "man". I can't live in clutter. Granted I knew he was a clutter person while dating him. But he spoke so highly of his old house and how emaculate it was. Left me the impression that he'll get things in order. NOT!!! So now after 2 1/2 months of being married. I am frustrated and annoyed. He seems to be nit-picking at everything that I do. And doing so, I become very annoyed, irritant and finding myself holding my tongue on things that I really want to say. Our communication has gone down hill. He nit-picked about a towel I used, then yesterday about a pot (used to cook) I used. He said, "I ASKED you not to use that pot, its to cook pasta". I don't recall him mentioning it to me but geesh it was the biggest pot I needed to prepare the foods that I was cooking. So he storms off mumbling. We both work morning, but he leaves a few hours before I and gets up around 3:30 or 4am. while doing so, he makes all the noise in the world as if I'm not sleep and then drops things on the bed heavy to the point, it eithers awakens me or startles me because i'm in a deep sleep. Our communication has broken down. I'm annoyed/frustrated to the point that I don't like being initmate with him anymore. I have started to shut down. He puts the blame all of me. He says that I'm trying to be controlling but I don't think making suggestions or recommnedations are being controlling. He doesn't be proactive on things I mentioned or shared. He's always talking about my age. If that was the problem, why did he ask for me to marry him. I mean, he knew how I live and had asked me several times before marrying him to move in and I wouldn't. NOw all of a sudden when we began to plan my move, and now in the house. Everything we had discussed prior had changed.

MOA... i don't know what to do. Can you help? What should I say or do?

I am starting to shutdown myself. Our honeymoon is in 3 weeks so something has to happen....

Anonymous said...

Hi M.O.A...

I am so frustrated by my husband's way of thinking.... I'm not sure how to respond aside from me letting him know how bothered I am by his comment and way of thinking...

So yesterday during church service. It felt like we were having an indirect marriage counseling. The topics our pastor was talking about: living holy, changing the mind, being married, sexual immoralities and you name it, something was probably talked about. It was very valid. After service we discussed some of the topics that were mentioned to get a better understanding of each other... Now this morning, I just had a conversation with him. He told me that he has to make sure he takes care of home first before he goes out and start "doing him". So I asked him what exactly does that mean. He tells me that he's going to be going to a Strip Club. He finds that as his release and I can't stop him as long as he's taking care of home. I just don't understand or get it. For one I expressed to him how I'm struggling at work and I think its coming from home. Since our house is in a disarray and have been trying to figure out our living arrangements. Things just seem to be in so much clutter and its frustrating me. I pick up my things, thinking he'll want to join in and help clean up, but most of the time he doesn't. Now all of this is rolling over to my performance at work which is slacking. Now he puts this on me. He told me while we were dating and even still while we married that he always wanted to be with a woman that will help him get closer to GOD. But you turn around and want to go to a strip club, watch porn and get frustrated at me when he wants to show me another woman's body shape from a website and compare or should I say "reference- his word" to me. I tell him that is so disrespectful and express to him my love just the way he is. Now I am really starting to feel like I have married the wrong guy. He tells me that I can't have everything my way.... I don't think I am trying to do that or control him. I just feel that that is inappropriate behavior in a marriage. If I stay out until like mid-night and not with him, he tells me that he doesn't complain about it. When I'm out with my friends/family, I know to come home at a respectable time. Its just respectful as a wife/woman that lives with her husband/spouse/significant other. He doesn't have to tell me that. While we were dating he told me he used to go to strip clubs, but he had stopped and feel like he was changing because of me. He told me that I had no part in him wanting to change. He just knew it was time for him. Now he throws this on me. WTH!!!! I don't go to those type of environments because 1, I'm not impress and 2 now that I'm married I still don't have any interest on setting my eyes on another man that is not my husband. Granted I do see some nice looking guys but I know where my heart and home is.

Am I over-reacting MOA? How should I hand this? What should I say?

I know you've said many times before that ACTIONS means more... he's a visual person. So I feel that I should give him a taste of his own medicine. Its just that I don't put myself in those type of environments. I don't feel comfortable and that's not my goal in life. No way, shape or form does it ring any positivity and something I can benefit from in my life.

Please help!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 15, 10:33 AM,
You're going to really need to put some thought into whether or not this man and this marriage is making you happy or harming you. I don't think your husband understands what his duties as a husband are, I think there's immaturity there, and I think some counseling might help you two get closer to the same page as far as fulfilling each other's needs is concerned.

I'm not sure how long you've known him, or how much time you invested in getting to know him before you accepted his marriage proposal, but it appears that there's still a great deal for the two of you to learn about one another, and my suggestion would be to consider the use of a counselor to aid in that at this time, to act as safe, neutral ground for you two to share with one another and discuss your needs and wants and the duties of a husband and wife to one another via the commitment they've made to each other - and also what "commitment" means to each other, and explore what it means to each of you in the biblical sense as well.

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA...

Thank you for being such a great on-line counselor to many of us women. Your suggestions, advice and insight into our issues is well received...

I am so slighted by my husband's response to our situation. We went on our honeymoon last month into the early part of this month. During the ending day of our honeymoon, my husband injuired himself. We had to wait until we got back to the states to go to the doctors. Needless to say, he tore his rotator cuff... Last week, I took off of work for my birthday and we were orginally suppose to had went on another trip... Well, the day of my birthday was filled with doctors appointments for him and one for me. During his visits to the doctors, he suggested that his mother takes him to his appointment and be there for his surgery. I told him that, I really like his mother (parents), but I don't think that is a good idea being that I am now his wife and this is part of my responsiblities and our vows. I should be the one to take him to his doctors appointments and surgery. He says that he doesn't want me to miss work & to give his parents something to do since they're both retired (his mother goes shopping daily, takes her husband to dialysis, walks with her girls friends every other day, etc). So she already keeps herself busy and his father just chills or is always with his wife... Furthermore, thank goodness to my job, I have a flexible schedule. I can work from home. So during the time him suggesting his mother be his conceirge. I felt a little dimiss! Should I have felt that way? Am I wrong for thinking that it is not okay for him to suggest asking his mother? I thought as a married couple, things like this should be handled by the people involved. Granted I think its fine to make parents aware of injuries/illness, but they should also be assured that whomever they are with rather its there long-term spouse, husband/wife, should assume the responsibilities of caring for them and will be in good hands. Is my way of thinking shelfish or uncompromising? What do you think? How should I handle this? What should I express to him?

Please help!!
thanks

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jul 27, 2:04 PM,
I think a lot of couples go through this phase of breaking away from parents to stand on their own two feet as a couple. Some have a harder time than others, depending on how involved the parents were in the lives of the two previous to marriage.

Your husband may struggle with this for a while. It might be hard for him to change his normal routines and behavior and switch into "couples mode." His default response to a situation like this is. . .he wants his mother LOL ;-)

So what I'd do if I were you is, I'd support his mother being there, and I'd also be there as his wife. That way, both of them, he and his mother, slowly get used to the fact that you are now PART OF THEIR FAMILY as well - and you are not to be shut out.

And eventually, with the passing of time, they will come to accept that more readily. And before you know it, it will be "a given" that you're naturally going to always be there for circumstances such as this.

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA.... Mind is racing on how to handle this situation or my next action steps… So the other day, my significant other & I were working out (we live together) outside on a neighbor track. I injured myself in one of the exercises that was being performed. Before the injury occurred, we had a disagreement on another exercise that he was trying to get me to perform but I was apprehensive because of my size and grass (I am allergic to grass but can be around). I decided to perform the exercise after the disagreement. Then when I got to the next injury, that’s when I injured myself. He got “pissed” saying I’m always making excuses. I responded to him that I’m not making any excuses. I’m just a girl and I feel like you’re trying to send me through boot camp and treat me like I’m about to be a body builder. I just want to lose the weight for my health, look and feel good. He kept on ranting and it went like this:
Him: Go ahead and pay for a trainer, I can’t workout with you you complain too much
Me: I’m not complaining or making any excuses, but I might just well pay for a trainer since you think we’re in a competitive race
Him: You need to stop with all of your excuse. I’m done.
Me: Be done. It’s not like you’re an actual certified trainer.
Him: You don’t want to be in a bikini, go ahead and be fat ass hell
Me: that was very hurtful. I have to work up to perform some of the exercises you want me to do. Right now I’m not able to do that.
Him: Just stop stop with all the excuses
Me: F*ck it then. I’m tired of you and my leg is throbbing and is in pain

So we get home and both of us are silent. Ignoring each other. Then my phone rang, so I started to do things for me. He then asked me about my leg and gave me some ice to put on my injury… The next morning, their still seem to be some kind of awkward feeling in their air between us. I told him I forgive him. But there still seems to be some kind of unease feeling in the air.
What should I do or say?
Please help.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 18, 10:08 AM,
"I told him I forgive him."

Why did you forgive him when he didn't apologize to you for calling you ignorant names?

NEVER reassure a man that he can treat you that way and you'll just forgive him for it. If you do that, he'll begin to secretly disrespect you -- because your actions are showing him that you disrespect yourself by tolerating poor treatment from others and then apologizing to them. . .for what? Apologizing to them because THEY'RE ignorant?

There was absolutely nothing for you to apologize for here. So moving forward, don't apologize for things that you didn't even do wrong. Because doing so sends the message that you suffer from low self-esteem and you'll apologize for the disrespect that others show you as a result :-(

Don't release him from his poor treatment. If he treats you poorly and calls you names, HE owes YOU an apology, and forgiveness should not be granted until that's done.

"What should I do or say?"

You don't have to "do" anything here. He called names like a child. He got frustrated and could not control his emotions. He behaved poorly. He is the one who needs to do something about it - like apologize.

The only thing you need to do is go get yourself a professional trainer or someone else like a friend to support you and workout with. He's too emotionally involved here to remain unbiased and because he's not a professional trainer, he's pushing you too hard and he has unrealistic expectations. And quite honestly, listening to him and trying to keep up with those big expectations can cause you to injure yourself.

Anyone knows that trainers create individual programs for people based on the needs of those individuals, their current skill sets and the tasks they're currently able to perform. To jump right in and randomly throw exercises or workouts at people in a "one size fits all" capacity is dangerous and no professional trainer would do that.

Additionally, diet plays a role here as well. So you need a custom routine that takes your diet, your goals, and your current condition and capabilities into consideration. Because as you wisely pointed out to your significant other. . .a healthy workout routine starts small and then builds up over time. No professional trainer wants to be responsible for someone's heart attack. And I don't think your significant other is educated enough about this to be looking at it realistically like that - meaning, I don't think he understands that things like that CAN actually happen.

We actually have a member of the community here that can do this for you believe it or not LOL. Peter. . .if you're reading - give this story a looksee.

Peter can provide you a custom workout routine and diet plan in writing after interviewing you and gathering information in advance. You can then take this workout routine that lays out specific exercises for you, based on the information he's gathered from you, and run with it on your own, following the accompanying diet plan as well.

And whether or not you use Peter for those purposes or not - I'd suggest that you take that route.

You need to work with a professional who creates something specific meant just for you, and you need to workout with someone who isn't emotionally involved and can support you properly, instead of psychologically beating you up and berating you and ultimately pushing you to give up.

If you'd like to speak with Peter, contact me here: http://kontactr.com/user/MirrorAphrodite

And I will place you in touch with him.

If not, I'd suggest that you move right past this and leave your significant other out of it altogether and instead, consult with a professional who is able to motivate you and support you in a proper manner along with a custom workout program.

Peter said...

@Anonymous Sep 18, 10:08 AM,

Mirror has my details so feel free to reach out via her if you'd like to have further conversation this, but I do however have a few points of feedback I'd like to give via comments on here.

Firstly contrary to a lot of other trainers I don't suggest most couples work out together, and I know that sounds odd as it sounds logical that it would be a good idea for many reasons. However the reverse is often true and your case is a good example of why I don't suggest this. Working out for many people in your position be they Man or Woman can be a very Psychologically/Emotionally challenging situation in many ways.

I would advise you really think of why you want to workout so much? is this for yourself or for him? If it's for him then you're doing this for the wrong reasons I'm afraid. Your motivation won't last and you will end up frustrated. As Mirror said quite rightly you don't do anything here especially in this case for him, this should be for you. My suggestion is just like Mirror states in developing an independent attitude in your other areas of life you should be doing this in your approach to your health too. Make it a point to apply the same philosophy of working on yourself that Mirror has spoken about here and learn to find long term motivations that will see you healthy outside of the romantic situations you may experience, as your health can a foundation of everything Mental and Emotional that Mirror talks about here. Develop your entire self.

Secondly it takes a lot of Security and Maturity from most men involved. Most men without developed maturity be they specialists or not can't remove the Physical from their partners. Your bare your insecurities to your partner in situations like this more than many others. You risk your Emotional, Mental and Physical Health. In your case that point have proven to be correct. My clients and certainly every one else are worth more than this, no one has the right to risk or abuse the health of others. In this area our partners are not always a great choice. In your case he demonstrates he a lack of his own Maturity by picking out your attitude. Is that verbal bashing something you want to expose yourself to on a daily basis?

I could go on about why I don't suggest most couples Workout, but you can see where I'm going with this right? It does not work for everyone. it can be unhealthy as you've just experienced.My suggestion is as Mirror states to find a specialist in training Women or indeed a specialist with the correct experience. Don't risk yourself or open yourself to the wrong people. Treat it as Mirror suggests treating men and filter them out.

Anonymous said...

Hi Peter.... this is Anonymous Sep 18... thank you for your comments.

I am working out to loose weight for myself. At at a point that all the weight i've gained in the last 5-6 months, has impacted my moods about myself. Disregarding what my s/o is saying, but honestly it doesn't help when he makes smart comments about me. Especially since we live together. I've sought out to a personal trainer not to far from our place. I have been going to the gym at least 3-4 days. So far i've lost 2.7lbs :) I have also started meal prepping too. However, I am interested in your workout/food plans that could possibly give me some greater ideas.

I've been told by a couple of folks that they REFUSE to workout with their spouse because of the issues i've encountered. I see and I GET IT!!!! Its just now, my s/o thinks he is mister know it all and that i'm doing everything wrong and that i'm not "listeing" to him. Ummm.... he's overweight and not in the best clean of health. So I've told him how can he "tell me" what's best for me when not certified. he thinks his research is all he needs. Well, my past experience and now is showing me otherwise. So we cannot agree to disagree.. So now I've learned to adopt the form of ignoring his comments/statements and keep pushing right along for MYSELF....

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

One month ago, I reconnected with an acquaintance. We went out together, there was a romantic spark and we have been communicating ever since. I have dated my fair share of sketchy men, so the vibe I picked up from him wasn't a bad one; to the contrary he's been pretty emotionally open with what he thinks of me -- which is to say it's positive and affirming. From day one, I have known about his scheduling issues (he travels frequently for work *and* to see his son who lives in another state), so time together would be limited, but I was open to giving things a chance because I was being treated the way I want to be. However, he knows his schedule causing issues in his dating/relationship life -- it's been an issue for past GFs.

While we text frequently and occasionally speak on the phone (something he has said makes him smile), and he speaks positively about doing things together, I have only seen him once over the past month. And that visit was after I bluntly told him all the texting was making me feel like I had a pen pal. He was responsive and made plans to see me immediately. I also appreciate that when I did see him, he did not try to have sex with me -- something I totally appreciated-- tho he was affectionate.

On Saturday morning, he text me to say good morning and that he would call after his run. All day passed with no phone call. That was the "final straw" for me. This was the second time he said he would call, then didn't -- but combined with only 1 visit all month, it confirmed that the situation doesn't work for me. I told him as much in a text that night. The next day, he sent me a text saying he was sorry and that he had been in a conference all weekend and would be done later that day. He never really followed up with after that (seven hours passed until my next text)....which is telling because he almost always immediately responds to me -- even if he is busy, he will say such and get back to me later.

When I sent my last text, I said what is obvious: that I don't think he has or wants to make time for me and that while I wasn't mad, I know the situation isn't workable for me because I have had one heavy texting, low face-to-face relationship in this lifetime and it was unsatisfying; not looking to go down that road again. I told him that because he's a good guy, I can just be honest with him about that because I think he will understand where I coming from and that I hoped we can still be friends. [He is 42, I am 40 -- I don't see any reason not to just say what a thing is]. This was met with resounding SILENCE.

I am perfectly fine with my decision. I gave it a month; it wasn't going anywhere...there's no need to make anyone "wrong", but he's not offering any incentive to stick around. But my question is, I am beginning to feel like I am wasting my time by trying to end things on a positive and mature note with men?...my other option could have been to just responding to his texts, but under this situation, I feel like it would have been a bit harsh and juvenile.

I don't quite understand the male ego. It certainly doesn't make my ego feel great that he can't or won't make time for me so if anyone should feel rejected, it could be me. I am not demanding anything of him that he doesn't want to give. Is it really *that* hard for someone to say that he understands my perspective? I don't need that validation to move forward, but I am just beginning to wonder if I should bother saying anything at all to "end" something with someone. Its starting to feel like a complete waste of time.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 16, 4:44 PM,
"I am just beginning to wonder if I should bother saying anything at all to "end" something with someone. Its starting to feel like a complete waste of time"

Well, that depends on the reason you're doing it.

If you're doing this to be kind to the person with the expectation that they'll be kind to you and show you the same courtesy in return - yea, it can feel like a waste of time. Because not everybody is emotionally equipped or mature enough to respond. . .well, maturely.

If you're doing this without expectation and solely for yourself and your own peace of mind, to maintain yourself at all times in a state of dignity and grace - then it won't feel like a waste of time. Because you're doing it for yourself and your own karma and good will, and not someone else's.

Anonymous said...

I probably do it for a little bit of both. But I have to say, of all the times I have ever done it, it has never resulted in the good karma being returned down the line....silence is typically the way people let me know they are done. Sad, to say, I can see how ghosting has become so appealing in an age where people simple care less and less.

Anonymous said...

Mirror you are awesome! Thank you for your advice. I welcome it all...

I have been with my guy for 2.5 years. We live together and we're likely in a space of getting married. But I hear over and over again about communication. Our communication can be a hit or miss most of the time. I am struggling to express my needs and wants without feeling guilty. How could I express my needs and wants or things in general by focusing on saying them the right way (positively)?

Would you have any scripts for stating a conversation that involves expressing my needs/wants?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 11, 10:01 AM,
"Would you have any scripts for stating a conversation that involves expressing my needs/wants?"

I'm sorry dear, but there are no scripts for a conversation like that. There can't be, because there's no way to predict what a conversation like that will entail as it's different for each individual.

However, there are some pointers. When attempting to state your needs, accusations cannot be a part of that. You can't say, "You make me feel." You can't make an accusation towards them like that.

Instead, you have to simply say, "I feel. . ." You have to state exactly how it is that you feel. You have to say, "I feel [fill in the blank: sad, unheard, passed over, unhappy, etc.] when this happens [fill in the blank: you're ignored, dismissed, not a priority, etc.]."

So for instance, you would start by saying, "I feel insignificant when I'm ignored." And then you stop right there and you give the other individual an opportunity to absorb that and understand it, and respond to it. And if they say, "But I don't ignore you." Then you make another "I feel" statement and you say something like, "I feel ignored when you don't answer my calls or texts."

So what you've done is you've not made any direct accusations, but you are stating clearly how you feel about certain actions that are taking place. Because the individual on the receiving end of this conversation may have no clue that when they've ignored your text or call that it hurts you. They may simply think you realize they're too busy to respond. You can't assume that they know which actions are making you feel a certain way. And in saying, "I feel insignificant when you don't respond to my texts or calls" you're clearly telling them exactly which action makes you feel exactly which way.

And now they're informed, without direct accusations, that what they didn't think was a big deal, and what they didn't even know was hurting you. . .is actually a big deal, and is hurting you ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi MoA... I am hoping you could help me out with these situations with my boyfriend (I live with him). I am starting to get to a point where I just don't care anymore. Continue to be kind & respectful but it's killing me & I don't know what to do.

Situation 1:
He asked me if I could help him pay for the house property taxes which are coming due next week. Then he followed it with so that he could buy some shoes that cost roughly $1200. As he was talking, I was looking on the counter where I had noticed that there was a past due bill. I looked at him and said REALLY, I can't do that. He got very irrate with me and told me to fuck it don't worry about it. He'll figure it out like he always do. Ummm, last year, I didn't mind helping him with the bills because he was under due to some health complications which caused him to be out of work for a couple of months. We ended up spliting the bills. I pay all of my bills in FULL and since we've split the bills, I'm actually saving him $300+ so I questioned him about the extra money he should have. Of course, he gets even madder then tries to turn it around on me by saying that its okay for me to buy what I want when I want it. I told him that he is absolutely correct! The reason is because I plan for the things that I WANT, but I take care of the things that are NEEDED. Granted we both make good money. so after I told him that I cannot help him. He's been acting weird! Like he's pulled back or something else. Was I wrong in any of this?

Situation 2:
He gave me one of my v-day gifts earlier. I didn't want it early, but he insisted. The were sports bras that I needed. I couldn't fit one of them, so he said that he'll take it back and exchange for a different one and size. So a couple of days went by and I didn't see any replacements. I asked him if he had had the chance to exchange. His response was "yeah I took it back, but I'll get you another at a different time". Really! So to me it sounds like he was pressed for the money and he did that intentionally... what do you think? how should I handle this? I mean I could go get the bras myself, which I was planning to do in the next couple of weeks....

Situation 3:
So the other day, I was being a girly girl. I told him about my windshield whispers aren't cleaning the window like it should be. He tells me to go get some wipers and bring them back to the house and he'll put them on when he feels like it. I was WOWED! I was expecting him to say, hey don't worry about it, i'll get to it in a couple of hours or this weekend, etc. Something, but for the response he gave me was not okay with me. Then he started to take some deep breathes like he was going to blow up at me and then he walked away. so I carried on with the rest of my evening. I cleaned the kitchen and prepped our smoothie ingredients and washed the dishes except for his cups. He was "pissed" at me this morning for not cleaning his cups. I kindly said, good morning and have a nice day and I love you with a big smile. He slammed the door!

All of this poor treatment is not okay with me. I've told him that. I've been contemplating living the house for a while. Probably to go to a hotel or rent an apartment. Giving him a break to see what he'll be missing. But I'm just not sure how to let him know that. What do you think I should tell him? How should I handle this?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Thu, Feb 4, 8:28 AM,
"He asked me if I could help him. .so that he could buy some shoes that cost roughly $1200.. .he turn it around on me by saying that its okay for me to buy what I want when I want it. I told him that he is absolutely correct! The reason is because I plan for the things that I WANT, but I take care of the things that are NEEDED."

Not only that - but more importantly, you don't ASK OTHERS to pay for the things you want, or expect them to. He's acting "entitled." As if he's entitled to have you pay for a pair of $1,200 shoes he can't afford.

"Was I wrong in any of this?"

No - your agreement is your agreement. He's made an agreement with you to split the bills, and if you're keeping up your end of that bargain, then you're meeting your obligations to him. You're not the "Bank of Boyfriend" here. He's testing you to see what he can get away with, and how far he can push you (to his benefit).

"how should I handle this?"

Store this one away in your "file" - meaning, this one isn't worth battling over. But it is an ignorant move that should not be forgotten.

"I've been contemplating. .renting an apartment. But I'm just not sure how to let him know that. What do you think I should tell him?"

You tell him AFTER you've rented the apartment. And then you leave, and you let him throw his childish tantrums after you've gone, so that you don't have to experience any more of his drama.

If it were me, I'd see the writing on the wall, and I'd leave. And the writing on the wall that I see is 1) this man does not know how to manage money properly 2) he's more worried about material things and impressing others with "perception" than he is about impressing them by actually "being" a successful man that pays his bills.

For instance, what good is it if you drive a Lexus - and then go home to a dump? The only people you're impressing with that are people that don't know you. It's a false impression you're making so that others "perception" of you is greater.

So why wear $1,200 shoes - and then go home to a heap of unpaid bills? It's about perception. It's about deceiving others. It's about creating a false illusion. It's about making others think you're more successful than you are. And why would you do that? You'd do that because you're insecure, and you're very concerned about what others think of you. So you overcompensate for your insecurities by creating false impressions.

The other more troubling thing here is that he's obviously associating "success" with material items. Being successful isn't only about having nice things. It's about actually beings successful at life itself. Earning a good wage, paying your bills and providing a nice life for yourself, being a reliable, consistent, trustworthy human being, being kind to others, being generous, being concerned about others, being smart, being wise about how you manage your lifestyle. . .there are so many other things involved in success beside superficial materialistic things.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"How should I handle this?"

I'd suggest you give some serious consideration to this situation, and seriously consider leaving it - and him dear :-(

I hate to say this dear, and apologies in advance if this hurts - but I can't help but get the impression here that your boyfriend is narcissistic. It's a clinical personality disorder, NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). And the definition of a narcissist and narcissistic personality is:

"having an excessive or erotic interest in oneself and one's physical appearance. . .Narcissism is the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one's own attributes. . .Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which a person is excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity, mentally unable to see the destructive damage they are causing to themselves and others. It is a cluster B personality disorder."

He's overly concerned with his appearance and the way others perceive him. He receives gratification from admiration of himself. And he is mentally unable to see the damage he's causing to himself ($1,200 shoes and unpaid bills) and others (burdening you with providing that for him, and destroying the relationship).

And when people are this preoccupied with themselves, they're not able to care for others properly. So you need to ask yourself, what are YOU receiving from this? Because relationships requre both give and take, and the point of being together is to make one another feel good, and to care for one another throughout life. So - how does this man care for you? What does he do to make you feel good and/or good about yourself? What does he do to make you feel secure and loved? What does he do to make you feel special? What does he do to make you feel happy?

In otherwords -- what are the BENEFITS that YOU are receiving from this partnership?

Are there any? And if so, are they fulfilling your emotional, spiritual and physical needs? Because if your needs are not being fulfilled here and this is all about him, all the time. . .then what's the point in remaining in this partnership? What are you receiving back from your investment into it?

I'd suggest giving those questions some serious thought. Because if your needs are not being met in this relationship, then it might not only be time to get your own apartment -- it may be time to move on, period :-(

If I were you, and I decided to leave, I'd seek out the apartment myself quietly. Once I located it, and signed the lease - I'd go home, I'd give him 30 days notice, and I'd give my last lump sum payment of my half of the bills for those 30 days. Then the next day, I'd start moving. I'd move my bed, or buy a bed, first thing so that when the drama starts that day, you can stay in your new apartment. Then I'd find friends or family to help me return the next day and move my things out in one fell swoop. Having others there will keep the drama down. They will also be there to support you.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

And while this may sound harsh, it boils down to one of two options - you can pull the bandaid off slowly, creating more pain for yourself OR you can pull the bandaid off quickly, thereby reducing your pain.

I suggest pulling this bandaid off quickly, because I suspect the drama could be monumental if he's indeed a narcissist. If that's the case, he'll make this all about him. "Why are you doing this to ME? How can you stick ME like this? Why are you hurting ME?" It's going to be "me, me, me." Instead of him saying, "What have I done to YOU to make you want to leave me? Have I hurt YOU, and is that why you're leaving?"

I don't think this man is concerned with fulfilling your needs, let alone actually trying to. And you, yourself, stated "I am starting to get to a point where I just don't care anymore. Continue to be kind & respectful but it's killing me." Why do that to yourself for a man that isn't concerned about you or your needs at all? Why kill yourself to be kind and respectful to a man that's being unkind and disrespectful to you?

You weren't put here on this earth to sacrifice yourself and your own happiness to please someone else.

You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be loved, you deserve to be treated special, you deserve to be respected, you deserve to be appreciated, and you deserve to be happy - so I'd suggest venturing out on your own to go find that ;-)

Unknown said...

Hi,

I’m not really into speaking about my feelings but I feel I am at a stage in my life where I keep hitting a brick wall and there is no way back. I’ve always tried to plan what will happen next ( I know in reality this doesn’t work I wanted to be married, settled by a certain time but that didn’t happen for me so I tried to ‘go with the flow’ and even then I have failed miserably.
I am unlucky in love. I have tried waiting letting it happen naturally but I get impatient (does that count as waiting). I’ve had back luck and every time I trust someone I feel they prove me exactly right and do what everyone else has done to me.

I was in a bad relationship and since then it has affected me so I end up being physical with the person as a way of pretending they care but when they disappear I am surprised. When in reality I’ve given all of me knowing I should get to know them.

I really struggle with dates as I don’t know what I’m supposed to do like what happens after the first date? Like I said I don’t like to speak about my feelings so I don’t really discuss this stuff with a friend.

I wouldn’t say I was ugly in fact I get a lot of attention but sadly from the wrong kind of interest and the ones that are interest end up getting my attention and once they have it disappear. I wear my heart on my sleeve also so I’m kind of always showing how I feel which I try and hold back. So I contradict myself.

I’ve been trying to find myself , what make me happy I’m pretty independent but I feel like lack security even though I come from a large family I’ve always been the head strong one the one to lead the pack. I find that I’m two different people when I like someone and when I’m with family/friends. I come off as pretty strong and independent. But when it comes to a male attention I become quiet timid and shy.
I’ve bounce around the last couple of months in dead end dating scenes where it’s just been physical not really my thing but it may be because I recently lost my father so I’m trying to accept my loss.

I know what I am going through is normal as I have read many articles on this website where people are going through the same thing. But ive recently met someone new, I like him (but I feel I don’t LIKE HIM LIKE HIM) and we went on a date, he came to mine, second date we got physical and he was meant to go on a date with me Sunday but couldn’t make it and reschedule for Monday. I cancelled as I didn’t want to look to available as he did this the second date we met. So I tried to take back the reigns but he has been pretty distance so I am trying to distance too. I don’t want to play game and I made that perfectly clear but now that we are hear. I suppose it will make me stop liking him if he shows less and less interest.

I guess I’m trying to find my back bone. I come across as happy and independent but in reality I’m insecure and struggling. I cant be with someone if I can’t find my own happiness. I’m all about SELF LOVE FIRST before you love anyone else.

I guess im looking for some words I don’t mind you being brutal ive been brought up with tough love HELP!!!

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA,

I would like your opinion on this situation.

So I went on a 2nd date with a man from an online website and it left a bad taste in my mouth afterwards. He asked me to attend a gallery opening show with him but also mentioned that he previously planned to go there with his female friend Maria who was coming with her boyfriend so it would be like a double date. Mind you, I am not a big fan of meeting a man's friend that early on especially when they're going to be with us during the whole time because it feels intrusive to me. I usually prefer a one on one meeting with friends when I go out. But this double date thing didn't sound that bad so I was okay with it.

When we get there the gallery was a tiny space with a bunch of people inside. I felt claustrophobic and the work was not engaging enough for me to stay in for long. His friend Maria was about 20minutes late while we were outside the gallery and he even told me how she didn't respond to any of his text that day about coming so he wasn't even sure if she'll show up. Maria didn't even come with her boyfriend so I knew already this was going to be awkward.

To make this story short I felt like a tag along the ENTIRE TIME. He didn't even pay for dinner so we had to split the whole thing between the three of us. I understand that she is his friend but I also felt like he was treating her like she was his date. I wasn't even sure if Maria knew I was his date. When she left to use the bathroom he had some nerve to linger his hand close to my crouch area. UGH I wasn't going to make a scene so I told him to stop. I was so pissed off that night because I sacrificed 4 hours of freelance work time to go on this shitty 2nd date.

I let him know I had a horrible date the next day when he asked if I had a good time because he certainly had a GOOD time. He apologized and said how he'll love to make it up to me which made me feel less angry/irritated about the whole situation. Anyway the 3rd date never happened because I kept canceling on him since I felt unsure about giving him another chance. And today he mentioned about how I started treating him differently after that 2nd date so I admitted that my level of interest was affected by it. He thinks it's 'uncool' of me to blame him for the whole thing. And I didn't back down because I argued that Maria is his friend NOT mine. He said he didn't know she wasn't bringing the boyfriend. Honestly, it makes me wonder about the quality of friends he has now. My friends will even let me know last minute if there were any changes to the plan. This Maria friend didn't even bother to let him know anything which I thought was so rude. He didn't even apologize and try to make up for that awkward situation at all that night. Even if he paid for dinner and split with Maria I wouldn't have been so annoyed. What makes me really pissed is how he tried to touch me inappropriately while she went to the bathroom in the restaurant. Like I was some cheap tag along or some shit. (Sorry I'm getting mad getting about this now).

Do you think I am over reacting to this whole situation? I don't think this man even deserves a 3rd date honestly. Because he still thinks I am being 'mean' for blaming him for that shitty 2nd date.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 14, 2:40 PM,
"Do you think I am over reacting to this whole situation? I don't think this man even deserves a 3rd date honestly. Because he still thinks I am being 'mean' for blaming him for that shitty 2nd date."

No - no 3rd date for this one.

Not only did he create an utterly uncomfortable experience for you, but he also became inappropriate during it - and never even bothered to pay for the date. He treated you like a buddy. . .and not like a woman he was romantically interested in:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2016/02/pay-for-a-date.html

There's nothing really positive here to even warrant enough interest for a 3rd date. Therefore, I wouldn't waste my time on one.

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA....

I am so enraged right now! I'm really hoping you could offer some ways to handle this situation and what to say... so I just found out from my sister that my father is spreading our marital business to people we know. Like family members we don't associate with. So someone we're very close too, contacted my sister and shared with her that another family member contact her by text saying that "she heard there's trouble in paradise". Yes both my sister and I are going through marital problems, but we thought that confiding in our father who we thought doesn't pass judgement was okay to share. WRONG!! He's sharing our business with an family member laughs at any shortcoming or things that we're doing in our lives. She the epitome of "misery loves company". Now to make matters worse, our issues has problem gotten down to another state. And WE DO NOT WANT TO BE THE TOPIC OF GOSSIP/CONVERSATIONS. Period! Unfortunately, my father had to move in with my sister temporarily because he was going through marital issues himself. I didn't realize my father was this MESSY! Now my sister wants to put him out of her house. He can't come stay with me because of distance. So she asked me to help her to get him out of her.

I suggested to her that we should get together with him and let him know indirectly what we know and for my sister to let him know that he has to move, but not sure how to say it to him. Could you please tell me how to handle this?

Thanks in advance for your support and understanding....

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 24, 5:34 PM,
Hmm, I wonder - could it be the family member and not your father that's creating something out of nothing here. Meaning, it's quite possible that your father simply mentioned this casually in passing, as folks often do when conversing with family.

For instance, it'd be very normal when asked, "How is everything going?" to respond with, "Unfortunately, things are not good right now. [Name] and [Name] are not getting along and it's a stressful situation."

And that's it. That's all he could've said.

But then a nosy family member picks up that small ball and runs with it (very normal family conversation), eventually trading it in for a giant boulder (big gossip that spread like wildfire) that is now weighing everyone down and becoming much more than it was ever intended to.

I imagine it wasn't your father gossiping. I imagine your father was simply speaking to family as anyone speaks to family. But the nosy, gossipy family took what he told her and began digging around in it, talking about it, sharing it with others, etc.

And the reality is dear - that if you or your sister DO happen to divorce - they're all going to find out about it anyway. And when they do, they're all going to discuss it a bit. That's just human nature. Some may have bad intent behind that talk (like this family member possibly does), and some may have genuine concern behind the discussion.

Either way, you can't control what they hear, or how they react to it, ya' know? Because if it happens, eventually they're going to hear about it and discuss it anyway.

So before making any rash moves with your father - consider for a moment that he may have very innocently shared with a family member, and had no idea that family member would turn it into this :-(

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror, you have alot of great knowledge and experience. I really appreciate your thoughts that you've shared with the ladies on here. I have a situation I'm hoping you'll be able to help me with.

Yesterday, my husband and I were out shopping for our upcoming vacation (4 days). While in one of the retail stores, we were in line behind this lady and her grown child (19) and relatives. They were very indecisive on the clothing they were purchasing and the mother kept running back and forth adding things and removing things. I put my arm around my husband as we were standing in line playing a game on our phone and i whispered in his ear that this is so annoying but I get it. So yes it was an annoying situation but its human that everyone does that from time to time while shopping. I could already see the frustration in his eyes and next thing I know he starts to make comments about their transactions aloud. I told him to hush honey, be quiet. Just let them make their purchase and we'll be next. Well, the next thing I know, he said another smart comment aloud and the mother responded. So needless to say, there was this big argument between my husband, the kid, the mother and the lady that was standing behind us. I felt so embarassed! I tried to calm my husband down by telling him to stop giving it energy and just make our purchase so we could leave. It got so bad that the security guard came over. I saw my husband about to walk up to the lady that was standing behind us. I'm Flabbergasted! I've never seen him act out like this in public. I told him to take me home,so while driving me home, he gets mad at me because he said I didn't have his back. That I was taking the ladies side. I told him I had noone's back and that he instigated the worthless trival. I told him that he cannot get mad at another person's purchase no matter what it is. So, he told me that since I didn't have his back, that I will never not talk to him about any problems I may encounter. So basically he said he won't have my back, he completely shut down. I just spent almost $3,000 on our trip so that we could have a good time and now this mess 4 days before our trip. So he dropped me off and he left. He told me that he'll get home whenever he get home. Later that night, he returns. I get out of bed and as I was coming towards him. He comments that he doesn't want to talk that he's pissed off that I didn't have his back. Then turns around and says that he's mad that he put me in danger, that he loves me but he's mad that I didn't have his back. Wow! I just stood there while he ranted at me. Yes his comments hurt. He has completely shut down from me and I don't know what to do but is to pull back and let him come around. Its also hard because I am babysitting my nieces this weekend while there mother have another baby. I don't want them to be in an unpleasant environment because of their uncle. So this is hard!

Please help.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 19, 8:06 AM,
"he said another smart comment aloud and the mother responded. So needless to say, there was this big argument. . .It got so bad that the security guard came over. . .I told him to take me home,so while driving me home, he gets mad at me because he said I didn't have his back. . .So, he told me that since I didn't have his back, that I will never not talk to him about any problems I may encounter."

I'm not what being frustrated at a complete stranger in a shopping line has to do with your relationship issues. Therefore, I'm not buying it.

I understand that he may have felt alone in that moment. I get that. But to expect you to participate in negative, potentially harmful, behavior simply to prove you support him -- does not seem logical or wise to me. And then to somehow weave that completely unrelated situation into your relationship doesn't seem logical as well.

Therefore, I feel that this situation simply provided your husband an "outlet" to release pent up emotions that may have been building. Where those pent up emotions are coming from, that I do not know. But to me, it appears this situation provided him the opportunity to release some of them. And because in his mind he connected that situation with your relationship, my guess is that whatever is building up inside of him, has to do with the relationship somehow.

Because while it doesn't seem logical for us to connect those 2 completely unrelated incidents, it DOES seem logical to him. So that tells you that, in his mind, there's a connection somehow.

"So he dropped me off and he left. Later that night, Then turns around and says that he's mad that he put me in danger. . .but he's mad that I didn't have his back."

Now we see that time and space have given him the opportunity to think logically. Because now he's starting to realize that "he put me in danger." That's great - because that's the truth. But what I don't understand is this. If he AGREES that was unwise and potentially dangerous. . .then why does he STILL expect you to have gone along with it?

If he knows the situation was potentially dangerous -- then why does he not understand that your reluctance was due to the potential danger, and not him?

When this comes up again, and I suspect he'll bring it up again -- I would very calmly pose that question to him. It's a very direct question that forces a logical response.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I'd simply say, "If you admit that the situation was potentially dangerous and you placed me in harms way by participating, then why don't you accept that my reluctance was due to the potential danger?"

And just see what he says. He may react defensively at first. It's human nature to do that. But given some time to absorb that afterwards, without heightened emotions involved, if he's a logical man - he should be able to determine that one had nothing to do with the other.

Meaning, your reluctance was not towards him, it was towards the potential danger the situation posed. He may realize that he should not be taking your reluctance personally. And he may also admit that other unrelated things were brewing under the surface that caused him to use that opportunity to release them by lashing out at others, and at you.

It's a very simple question that deserves a logical response. If he reacts defensively, I'd pose a similar question slightly different and I'd follow it up with, "Why are you taking this personally, instead of accepting that it was about the situation and not about you?"

And I'd follow that up with another question that makes HIM accountable for HIS OWN actions by asking, "What's going on with you, are you alright?" That puts the spotlight on HIM and HIS behavior, instead of permitting him to deflect that onto YOU and YOUR behavior.

It's not YOUR REACTION that was out of line here - it was HIS ACTIONS that were.

And right now, he's avoiding taking accountability for his own actions and instead, he's deflecting and placing the focus onto YOU and YOUR ACTIONS.

It's HIS ACTIONS that were not normal. YOUR reaction was a very normal one.

So don't let him distract you from that, and don't permit him not to be accountable for his own actions and behavior. I suspect something is brewing under the surface with him, and he's using this situation as an excuse to release those frustrations.

Don't be confrontational. Let him bring this up again and when he does, do NOT get defensive yourself. Remain LOGICAL, and stay focused on the FACTS. Don't begin to defend yourself. Put HIM on the defense by forcing him to answer those few very logical questions and take responsibility for his own actions.

If he's normally a level headed man, eventually after having time to think on it. . .he'll be able to see that your reluctance had nothing to do with him, and that your response was completely normal. These days, we don't know if the people in line are carrying weapons. We don't know if they're mentally or emotionally unstable individuals. We don't know if they have pent up frustrations that they're seeking an outlet for. We simply do not know -- which is why it's wise to NEVER involve yourself in anything like this in public. And truth be told dear, if it were me, I'd secretly be VERY upset with him for placing ME into that situation.

And I suspect that he KNOWS he was wrong for doing that, and just how bad that was, because he even came to that realization himself.

So if he agrees it was a dangerous situation he placed you in, then he should also be able to understand that your reluctance was directed at the situation, and not personally at him.

Keep the focus on HIM and HIS behavior. And don't permit him to deflect that away from himself and onto YOU and YOUR behavior. Your actions were very normal responses. His were not (indicating there's likely more to this).

AuthenticScorpio said...

Hi Mirror!

Wanted to ask for advice on something that could apply to all relationships, not just romantic. Centers around speaking up/reacting in the moment, versus waiting to say something once the person "gets it" on their own. I'd say I've grown a lot since moving to my new city and this time alone has helped me improve my boundaries and focus on self care.

A lot of my friends are very vocal, want to have things their way, etc and in the past I've been very introverted and tended to be a people pleaser. Now when someone makes a request of me or tries to pressure me into something that I don't want to do, I say no, and that's that. But my sister recently told me that she thinks denying the request isn't enough, that I need to thoroughly explain WHY I don't want to do it, that I'm mad the person would try to pressure me like that, etc. I can see her point, but to me I see it as, if a person sees nothing wrong with what they're doing, me yelling at them about it isn't going to change that. And instead I just choose not to engage with them until I feel like it again. But I think she sees it as me not being truthful and brushing stuff under the rug. In your opinion, do you see one way as more right than another? As an INTJ, I always take time to think before I speak and so sometimes I might not respond in the moment. But I do wonder if it's something I need to work on. I just feel like a lot of people will pass things off as if they're joking, or it's not that serious - and if I initiate some big heavy talk about feelings, and how this isn't right when they aren't self aware enough to see that their behavior is problematic, then why do all that emotional labour to try to get them to see that?

For instance you come up with SO many great responses to what we can tell a guy when he's done something where he's trying to test us or ask for something that's only beneficial for him. And every time I read them I'm like WOW, that was such a great response! But I feel like it takes me time to process and come up with how I want to proceed. So idk, would love to hear your thoughts!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@AuthenticScorpio,
"my sister recently told me that she thinks denying the request isn't enough, that I need to thoroughly explain WHY I don't want to do it"

As for me personally, I don't bother justifying my behavior to someone like that, and I don't bother explaining myself away to them either. If these are important individuals in your life, they may ASK why and express an interest in the way you're feeling. And if that's the case, then open communication can take place.

But if these people are not immediate family members of people of high importance to you, and they're just acquaintances, etc. - then in my opinion, you don't have to justify why you're doing something to them. Because you don't need their approval.

"I think she sees it as me not being truthful and brushing stuff under the rug."

Saying "no" IS truth - you don't want to join in and you're being honest about it. And you're not brushing it under the rug by doing so, you're stating the truth and then following through with it.

"do you see one way as more right than another?"

As for me personally, I only invest myself into those making an investment into me. So if they ask why (express an interest and invest themselves into caring about me), then I would be honest. But if they don't care to know why, and they don't bother to ask why, then no - I'm not going to waste my time attempting to explain myself to them. If they're not investing in me or expressing an interest, then I'm not going to invest an explanation. The only time I may defer from that would be for immediate family and important relationships that are valuable to maintain.

"As an INTJ"

You're speaking to an INTJ here, too LOL ;-)

"then why do all that emotional labor to try to get them to see that?"

Exactly. And not only that - it can erroneously signal to them that you feel you need to answer to them, justify your own behavior, and receive their approval as a result. You don't need to justify your behavior to anyone that doesn't care to know why you're doing what you're doing, and you don't need their approval to feel that way either.

"I feel like it takes me time to process and come up with how I want to proceed."

It took me time to develop that skill dear. That didn't happen overnight and it only came after years and years of self-exploration and insight into human behavior and the motivating factors that drive it.

But once you start that process of thinking and that type of exploration, and you begin to slowly put those things into place - before you know it, that type of repetitive thought and behavior becomes second nature. To the point that you instantly see through a situation to it's "truth" and you're able to formulate an instant response.

And I should mention this -- once you start doing that, there will be people that will try to make you feel bad for it. There will be people that will attempt to make you feel bad for seeing right through them, and for responding to them in a straight-forward manner. They will try to make you think that you're mean, or bitter, or angry, etc. And they will do this so that they can deflect the focus from THEIR behavior onto YOURS instead.

Because your truth is making them very uncomfortable about their own behavior.

So they will insinuate to you that you should "soften up" or somehow restructure your responses to not be so straight-forward. But when that happens, you need to push through it, and past it. Because the truth is, what most of these individuals think about you really has no bearing on your existence here on earth anyway. They will attempt to make you think they're playing an important part in your life, but the reality is that most people who force that type of truth from you -- are the ones who DON'T really care about you.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

If they did -- they wouldn't be pushing your emotional buttons the way they are in the first place. They would be treating YOU with the same type of courtesy they're expecting FROM you.

Does that make sense?

For instance, let's say you're dating a man and he said he'd call. He never does and instead, he disappears for 21 days solid without a word. He then reappears 21 days later acting like nothing happened. And when he reappears, you don't respond.

In that moment, when you don't respond, you're treating him in the same exact manner he's treating you - with disregard, and not as a priority.

He continues texting and eventually reaches a point where he lays into you verbally, attempting to make you feel bad, and feel guilty, for not responding to him and for not explaining to him why you're not responding to him. You still don't respond to that or explain yourself and then he begins calling you names and expresses anger towards you.

It's not necessary to respond to a situation like that, or treatment like that from another, by explaining yourself away to them in an attempt to justify your behavior to them. Because their treatment of you and their own behavior towards you is already telling you that they don't care, and they're not making you a priority.

So why give them more of your time and attention, investing into someone that isn't making any investment into you, by offering an explanation? If this individual cared for you, they wouldn't have treated you like this IN THE FIRST PLACE. They would've SHOWN YOU the very same courtesy they're EXPECTING FROM YOU.

When they don't do that - they're not worth another ounce of your time or energy dear. Your time and energy is valuable, and it's not to be wasted or exhausted on those that are not treating YOU as such - those that are not treating YOU as VALUABLE to THEM.

Only make emotional investments into those that are making them into you as well ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I wrote to you years ago about a man I was dating who was a player.

After this relationship, I met a very nice guy who treats me well and brought exclusivity talk himself. We have been together for 5 months now, and even though at first I was not 100% into him.

The thing I realize, is that when I become official with someone, I start becoming very insecure. Even if at first I thought - in all honesty - "maybe I can find someone better".

Now that we are a couple, and he acts very confident around me, I always have a feeling like he might think he "won" me and he will get bored eventually. Now that he has seen me in a beautiful dress at night or naked in the morning. Now that he has seen me in low days when I feel less confident and moody...

I don't know why but it's always the same pattern. It's like when I finally have a healthy relationship, I will sabotage it by myself. It's terrible and I can't help it.

The fact that he is confident and not very emotional makes it even worse, because he will rationalize everything and not try to comfort me, so he will not give me the reassurance I need all the time and I end up looking like an emotional, insecure mess.

Long story short, when I am not 100% attracted, I can be the cool chick, relaxed, fun, but when I am finally willing to be official, I become scared, insecure, etc.

Why? And what can I do about it?

I would love to have your advice on this, dear Mirror,

thank you very much,

<3

Anonymous said...

I just recently broke off with a guy I've been seeing for about a month from a dating website. I wanted to share my experience and how my situation relates to this subject 'How do you Value Yourself'.

I turned 31 this month and started to reflect on who I've become and the things I wanted to change myself for the better. One of the things that bothered was that I realized I didn't have any sexual experience that I've enjoyed with the men that I encountered in my life. Also I don't have much experience when it comes to sex because I also grew up around a mother who warned me about sex and how I need to be careful who I share my body with. So when it came down to men demanding sex from me after a few dates I would disappear or give him the I need a commitment talk. Yes I am a late bloomer.

With this new guy Ben, I felt extremely physically attracted to him and thought: Hell, maybe i should just try this casual hook up thing with him. The physical chemistry was intense and I had sex with him on our 3rd date. However, after he left in the morning I started to feel extremely emotional and empty inside. I fulfilled my desire to have sex with him but somehow I didn't feel good at all. He still called me afterwards and pursued me because we went on 2 more dates afterwards. Since the first day I met him, my gut feelings were telling me this guy wasn't worth any of my time or anything serious. But like a fool I was enticed by the physical chemistry we shared and I really believed that I would not develop any feelings for this man.

On the 5th date (last date) I came to his apartment and finally got to meet his roommate who turned out to be an attractive 26 year old lady. We went out for beers and late night snacks. His roommate was okay but I also did felt like Ben was paying more attention to her than me. When we get back to his place we talk for a bit. Before we started to physical with each other he said as a joke "You want my roommate to join us for sex?" When he said that I was shocked for a moment and asked if he was serious. He laughed and said he was kidding. However, that 'joke' did not sit well for me and I should have left but we had sex. I felt like this time he was more interested in getting off and was not attentive or passionate like the last times so I felt terrible. I was also sort in a daze and couldn't sort out why I was feeling so terrible.

We washed up and lights turned off to go to bed. While I was lying in the dark I figured out what was bothering me and it was the joke he made about the threesome with the roommate so I asked him bluntly if he was hooking up or had feelings for his roommate. He admit that he was attracted to her physically but never made moves on her because he didn't want to cross that line. Then he asked if I was still upset about the joke he made. I replied "There is always a hint of truth in a joke." I asked him if he was interested in having a girlfriend and he said he didn't want a relationship. His last relationship ended in January this year. He also mentioned whenever he is in relationships the grass looks greener on the other side.

- T (continued)

Anonymous said...

(continued from above)

My response to him:

In the beginning I knew you were not the man for me but I went along with this because of the attraction and thought I would be okay with having fun. However, I realized that I'm only fooling myself because obviously I was developing some feelings and expectations from you. Your joke and the way you treated me in front of your roommate hurt and I don't want to be introduced as your friend. I don't want to become that woman. When I like a man I give my 120% and you're not the person who deserves that from me right now. There is no point of continuing to see each other because when a man says he's not ready don't matter if I become the perfect woman for him and give my all because he won't change his mind. I'm not going to waste my time on you. I deserve a man who is ready to be with me.

He agreed that he will stop wasting my time. He did say how I want a relationship fast. My response was: I wasn't asking you to become my boyfriend NOW but see that there is also no reason to try staying with someone who doesn't want the same thing as I do. I don't like doing things half ass and this casual hook up is half ass. For me it's doing it the right way or nothing at all because even when it comes to work and anything else in life I don't like half assing. All good things take work. Without hard work you cannot have good things. Nothing in life is easy.

Also he had the nerve to say this: "Because I am a German man I am honest with you. American men would lie and promise he will be your boyfriend." That was another all time low for him. I suspect he said this to justify himself.

After this talk he asked me what I wanted to do now if we should go to bed and how he was tired blah blah. I got up immediately and started to dress and pack my things. There was no way in HELL I was going to spend the night with him after what just happened. He tried to half convince me to stay by offering to make me breakfast the next morning and I thought in my mind "are you fucking kidding me? Are you that fucking stupid and think I have no backbone to kill my dignity to wake up tomorrow with you on the same bed?" I didn't lose my cool with him nor did I cry (which I'm proud of) because I didn't want to appear weak. It was 2:30am in the morning and I called uber to pick me up in front of his apartment. Cab fare was going to cost $70 but I didn't care because I wanted to get the fuck out of there. He gets up to say goodbye by the apartment door and just when I was about to walk out he asks me if I can give him a kiss. I don't even look at him and walk out with the answer "NO".

I cried on the cab and when I arrived home. I knew in my heart I made the right choice but I felt disappointed. More than anything I felt ashamed for knowingly getting myself involved with this man. But at the same time I knew this happened for a good reason and now I know that a casual hookup is not for me. It’s funny because on my way home the cab driver and I had a talk about what happened. He said what shocked him most was how Ben didn’t even wait outside for the cab with me at this time of the night. I agree with the cab driver and I didn’t really think much of it at the moment it was happening. I was upset and just wanted to get away from him soon as possible. Also this man already showed his true colors so what good would it have been for him to wait outside with me?

- T (continued below)

Anonymous said...

(continued from above)

Based on some of the things he spoke about sounded like he’s not completely happy with what he’s doing with his life. This man gave an air of uncertainty and like Mirror mentioned that you only attract things and people with the energy you put out into the world. I completely agree with her 100% on this. I met this man during my time of uncertainty and I compromised what I truly wanted with something that is less of that. I deserve better and I believe in it. Arrogant as this sounds he will never be with a wonderful woman if he continues this way. Law of attraction says that when something great comes along you won’t even know and pass it up because you’re not ready to accept it. It has been day 1 since this happened and I am feeling 30% better and trying not to think negatively. I was up last night trying not to work myself up because I keep thinking about what has happened and beat myself up for not doing it certain things a different way.

Things could have been worse. I was seeing this man for almost a month and glad that I no longer need to waste my time and energy on him. I wish I avoided him from the beginning and listened to my intuition but I am a firm believer in how things happen for a reason. A valuable lesson that I needed to rebuild my confidence and figuring out what I really want and compromising my values over a man who can care less about me is not worth it. I hope my story can be some help to any woman who finds herself in a similar situation.

- T

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 29, 2:14 PM,
"Long story short, when I am not 100% attracted, I can be the cool chick, relaxed, fun, but when I am finally willing to be official, I become scared, insecure, etc. Why? And what can I do about it?"

Those are your insecurities surfacing. And they're being triggered by fear and anxiety.

You can't permit yourself to live in the state of "fear" for very long. Meaning, you have to make an effort, a big one, to consciously control your thoughts. You cannot let fearful thoughts exist for very long. If you do, then they become reality. They affect your behavior, and then your behavior changes, and then the fear becomes the reality.

If you're to avoid that and keep it from happening, when you find yourself immersed in fearful thoughts, you have to forcefully change them. Mind over matter. And mind you, it's not easy and it WILL take a good deal of effort. But when you find yourself in that state of mind, you need to develop ways to successfully cope with it.

Instead of letting those thoughts permit, get up and get busy and get moving. Go for a walk, go for a job, exercise, clean your house, turn up the stereo and listen to music, go have lunch with friends, play with your pet, go get your hair done, or go buy a new outfit for yourself. . .whatever it takes to get your moving. Because once your moving physically, it's easier for your mind to reset itself on the new task and it also helps to release the anxiety.

And once your mind is set on a task, and the anxiety is being released - you will no longer "live" in those negative thoughts.

And if you start thinking, "But how will I stop thinking those negative thoughts that make me become insecure?" That won't happen overnight. You'll be creating new thought patterns and that will take some time. You may not be able to stop thinking negative thoughts, but you WILL be able to successfully cope with them so that they're not permitted to exist long enough to affect your behavior -- or you reality ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@T,
Fantastic story dear, thank you for sharing that. I know there's some disappointment there, but honestly -- I see loads more STRENGTH in that story than disappointment.

What you did there is something that women should be prepared to do regularly. There should be no fear in walking away from things that are not bringing positive value to your life. Yet all too often, many let the "what ifs" creep in. "What if he does develop feelings for me?" "What if he really does like me but is just scared?"

That's a big one - the "what if he does like me and is just scared?"

Trust me gals, when men meet a woman they're crazy about, they don't let that fear hold them back. Yea sure, they may stumble at times because of it, but they will not permit it to stop them from going after that which they desire. They will regroup and form another plan of action and take another shot. So when you find yourself considering giving that benefit of doubt to a man, think again. Because genuinely interested men will still keep pursuing you, they'll just switch up their game a bit is all. And if you walk away from them - they'll try to stop that from happening in a genuine way as well.

What T has done here took a lot of strength, and a lot of belief in "self" and a lot of knowledge about her own value. She did not compromise on it or negotiate it away. She kept it in tact, and in doing so, did herself a big favor in the long run.

Thank you once again for sharing you story dear, as I know many women here will find it quite inspirational ;-)

piscesgirl said...

"genuinely interested men will still keep pursuing you" soo true! when it comes to women they are really interested in nothing will stop these guys from taking a chance and going for it.
I know in love and relationships we shouldn't pursue or chase but does the same apply for friendships with other females? I had one girlfriend in the past who I thought I was pretty close to just disappear with no explanation I mean she wouldn't even reply to my messages and it obviously hurt because I still don't know why she stopped talking to me and now a girlfriend she had introduced me to hasn't been messaging me and we've grown to be pretty close over the last few months going out almost every weekend (though sometimes I wonder if shes more of just a going out friend) but she would still message me pretty regularly throughout the week. I haven't heard from her for over a week now and I sense shes mad or doesn't wanna talk to me. Im sick of asking people to explain why they don't wanna talk to me but at the same time I wonder if its even worth it to try to mend things and find out what's wrong I am pretty prideful and stubborn and I hate feeling like im chasing after people or begging them to stay in my life. I think grown women should be mature and upfront and if they have an issue or they are mad they should just say so. Has this ever happened to you Mirror? when people pull away do you pull away as well or depending on who that person is would you message them to try to find out what's wrong. Im a very intuitive pisces so sometimes I avoid doing that because I sense there might be a confrontation and that is the last thing I need in my already crazy stressful life. Ive pretty much built up a guard now and try not to develop strong attachments to people because it just seems so easy for someone to cut you off nowadays with no explanation. I just figure the same way im wondering where they went and what happened they too are noticing my absence and lack of communication. Like I said Im tired of chasing people and sometimes I wonder if its even worth salvaging the friendship depending on how much value that person adds to my life. Just not sure if they same rules apply here for friendships with other females. I always wonder what Mirror would do.

Anonymous said...

Hi this is T.

Thank you Mirror for your response and thoughts on my story. :-)

So I wanted everyone to know that Ben texted me last night while I was asleep and read his message this morning. This is exactly what he wrote:

I'm sorry and don't fully understand why we had to part in such a nasty way. I mean I understand that you don't wanna waste more time with me if I'm not ready for any commitment right now. But just wanted to let you know that I still had a nice time with you...

You did forget your undies here btw. Do you want me to get them to you somehow?

First of all ladies, he makes absolutely NO SENSE that we parted in a 'nasty way'. I did not yell, cry or lose my temper with him. It was DRAMA-LESS. In fact, I did both us a favor by ending it in the most straight forward way. Also leaving my underwear in his apartment...I thought I was going to stay overnight so I washed it then left it to dry near the window beforehand. After we had our talk I was in a rush to leave and forgot to take my semi wet underwear with me. He is a MORON for asking me how I wanted my underwear back. Right it's like I have no underwear in my house that I will ask him to mail or set up a meeting to have it back. This text was definitely his way of trying to get me to respond and set up a meeting with him.

I know for certain what an idiot he is. How can you not understand that it had to end? If he used common sense he would throw the underwear away and keep silent. Perhaps he's the type that never had a woman say no to him so he's still confused about what happened. I feel 110% happy today that I cut his idiot out of my life. I would be really lowering my standards as a woman and human being to be around a man of this caliber. Also I'm not responding to that text.

- T

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@piscesgirl,
"Has this ever happened to you Mirror? when people pull away do you pull away as well or depending on who that person is would you message them to try to find out what's wrong."

I let them go. And I generally don't question things. Because if they're showing me that they don't care about me or having me in their life, I really don't need to know the reason why. Because the only thing that's important to me is the fact that they don't care.

And if that's the case, and they're not putting any energy into the situation, then I will simply take the cue that the situation is no longer worthwhile to me anymore either.

And while that may be sad, I will grieve the loss silently and move on. If in a few months I hear from them again, they are generally the ones that will then open up the topic for discussion. And it is then that I will hold a discussion with them about it.

But prior to that, if someone is avoiding me and I sense that they no longer want me in their life -- I let that play out and let the cards fall where they may. If they find they value the friendship more than they originally thought, they'll circle around to mend it ;-)

piscesgirl said...

yess my thoughts exactly! thanks Mirror <3 sometimes people only want you in their life when the conditions are right for them ie. they need a going out friend or maybe they are going through a breakup or whatever the situation may be. I also pay attention to 'friends' who never ask how im doing or dont seem to care much at all about my life or all they wanna do is talk about themselves. Ughh so tired of people but im still trying to stay open to everything yet attached to nothing. I don't wanna be completely secluded and alone but in this day and age it almost seems easier than dealing with people and their unpredictability. Thank you Mirror I find so much comfort and solace here and T you should be proud of yourself that guy sounds like a total moron and you did the right thing in that situation. We are both the same age and at this point I don't have time for hangout sessions with guys who add no value to my life and I will be very straight forward with them and tell them exactly that.

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA... I am having this issue with my live in man. We've been living together for 1 1/2 years. So we had decided to have a family/friends BBQ for the upcoming holiday. I'm used to preparing all of the meals and everyone just bring their stomachs and their own beverages. My guy and I have never planned for an event like this. Usually his family have potlucks at one designated person's house. My family on the other hand, one person prepares all of the food and everyone just goes there. So him and his mother wants me to have people participate in bring a dish to pass since the crowd is well over 50 people and their own meats. I feel bad telling people to bring their own knowing that it was my guy and I idea to have this event. Now my guy is MAD at me. Doesn't want to talk to me and we live in the same house. So I act as if everything is normal. He has an issue when I open the diningroom curtains saying that he doesn't want people looking in. So my response it either, well I bought the curtains so I can do what I want. I live here too and help pay some of the bills. Or I'll say, we have homeowners insurance, ain't nothing to steal. He gets upset. I just laugh and go about my way. Then he tries to control which jug to drink water out of. LOL... yes its ridiculous! He's a clutters everything and I'm a neat person. He takes his time fulfilling my requests, but when he asks of me to do something for him. I do it. I don't have a problem. Lately, I have been doing alot of reflecting. I've asked him today if there something that I should know or missing since his behavior is not matching up with his intentions. I'm getting upset that I am always wanting to be in harmony and peace but he wants to create chaos and drama. All of this seems so petty on his part and very immature. He's 44 years old. He tells me that I'm trying to control everything. I tell him to stop with the reverse psycology and it's not me. It seems that everything I say turns into an argument with him. I hate arguing. I've told him that I think he gets a rush from arguing and its not healthy.

At this point, I don't know what else to do. Please help, what should I do? what should I say?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 15, 2:23 PM,
"Him and his mother want me to have people participate. .He has an issue when I open the dining room curtains. .is MAD at me. .he tries to control which jug to drink water out of. .He tells me that I'm trying to control everything."

Sounds like the one trying to control everything isn't you, it's him -- but he's "projecting" that onto you, so that he can shift the blame off of himself and his own actions -- and put the focus onto you and yours instead.

Sacrifice and compromise are required in relationships.

And when entering into one, both parties should be prepared to make them. The compromise on the party issue here can be - to each his own. Meaning, you provide as you intended to, and don't ask your family to participate in bringing a dish since that's how your family normally handles these types of functions.

If he'd like to ask his family to bring dishes, then let him. More food never hurt anybody, and it isn't going to hurt anybody here either. That way, your family attends as they normally would, and his family attends as they normally would. And if you end up with duplicate dishes -- oh well -- everyone gets to take home a plate of leftover food with them when they leave then. People appreciate being able to do that anyway.

That's compromise -- and if he flat out refuses that solution, then he's proving that he is the real issue and that control is really what he's after (versus solutions). At that point, you then ask him to come up with a a solution of his own to propose that includes a compromise since he doesn't like your solution/compromise. His mother has no say in this, you two are an adult couple, so she's not to be included in the resolution, nor should she have a voice in it. Two grown adults can solve their own problems without anyone's mother being involved. Additionally, YOU are the lady of the house and the host -- not her. As such, she needs to show you respect and defer to you and your wishes when it comes to hosting an event in your own home. She's free to host an event in her own home and do it her way if she likes (and I'm sure she wouldn't want you telling her what to do in her own home).

Regarding the dining room windows - hang a set of sheers behind the curtains. This way, you're able to let natural light filter in while screening focused views from the outside. If that isn't enough, install a blind behind the sheers as well. They can then be slightly tiled to further reduce outside viewing while still letting natural light filter into the room. That's another compromise.

And as far as which jug of water anyone drinks out of - he'll need to make a simple, small sacrifice there because. . .that's just plain ridiculous. If he has a special jug, fine let him use it. And if you have one, then you use yours. If he doesn't like that, remind him of the sacrifices and compromises necessary in relationships and remind him that it's impossible in life to control other people - and that the only thing you CAN control about them is your REACTION to them. So he might want to give some thought to his reactions.

Much of this is petty and immature and that signals that a bit of emotional immaturity is present within him. I understand that when you live on your own for a while, you get used to certain things being a certain way. But if that's the case and those small things really bother you, then you need to give that some serious thought before inviting someone to live in your home with you.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Once you invite someone else to live in your home with you, and once you agree to enter into a committed relationship with someone -- you need to be prepared to make sacrifices and compromises. If you're not prepared to do that, then you have no business inviting others into your dwelling or asking anyone to enter into a committed relationship with you.

"It seems that everything I say turns into an argument with him. I hate arguing. I've told him that I think he gets a rush from arguing and its not healthy."

There's an old saying, "Familiarity breeds contempt."

When you're very "familiar" with someone and you're around them a majority of the time, contempt can enter the picture. And the definition of contempt is:

"the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn. . .disregard for something that should be taken into account. . .the offense of being disobedient to or disrespectful."

And sometimes, the only thing that can relieve a bit of that is space.

I'm not suggesting that you separate, but I would suggest that you find ways to give each other some space -- so that you actually miss one another from time to time, versus dreading time spent with them. Evening classes, short weekend trips with friends, hobbies, etc. are all ways to create a bit of space for some breathing room.

The other option would be to point blank calmly ask him the next time he's expending a lot of his personal energy trying to control the people and situations around him, "Where is all this contempt for me coming from? Is everything okay with you?"

Don't let him shift the blame onto you and your actions. Instead, hold him accountable for his own actions by placing the focus squarely onto them and his behavior. Even if he doesn't answer this question and he fluffs it off, repeat it a second time, "I'm serious. Where is this coming from, are you okay?"

Whether or not he answers is not important. What's important is that you've planted the "seed" for thought and reflection onto his behavior for him. He'll think about that when he's alone. And you repeatedly asking if HE is okay, signals to him that his behavior is abnormal and others are sensing something is wrong. It's not normal to become upset over the drinking vessel someone is using, or whether or not the curtains in the living room are open. While these things can be irritants, they're not worthy of becoming emotionally upset over. And when someone is "triggered" by something so minor, it indicates that there's something "more" taking place inside.

And that direct question can work as the "seed" that gets him to start looking within for the solution. It can also be the seed that starts an open dialect and communication between the two of you. Once he's given that some thought, he may open up and talk about whatever is going on inside of him the next time a situation arises ;-)

Because when people expend a great deal of personal energy attempting to control people and situations around them, it's a sign that they suffer insecurity and carry a sense of "inadequacy" within them:

"Controlling people often demean or criticize others as a means of building themselves up and appearing superior. A controlling person is easy to spot from the constant monologue about how rotten, stupid, evil, ridiculous, annoying, etc. everyone else is (presumably they're never any of these things). . .A controlling person may put you down or make you feel stupid in order to get you to think that you need them."

When someone becomes hyper-controlling, it signals that they're seeking ways to build themselves up. And the need to build oneself up constantly signals that the individual secretly feel inadequate, insecure and unsure of themselves.

Control is a "ME" problem -- not a "WE" problem.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror,

Yesterday my man left me.

I am the one who posted about becoming insecure once in a relationship.

Then you said:

You can't permit yourself to live in the state of "fear" for very long. Meaning, you have to make an effort, a big one, to consciously control your thoughts. You cannot let fearful thoughts exist for very long. If you do, then they become reality. They affect your behavior, and then your behavior changes, and then the fear becomes the reality.

And you were right, it did.

I feel worthless.

+++

He did not tell me directly he did not want to be with me anymore. He said he was confused and he did not know why. He said he had trouble giving me back the love I gave him. He said he was tired and not in a good period in his life. He was not able to give me a simple answer.

After a while I became frustrated and so sad and I asked directly: "so, do you want to continue or not?" and he did not answer.

So I said " ok, I can't stay here anymore" I walked fast, back home and shut the door.

He went to his place and texted me later a still very confused message, that he was not feeling well right now. That he did not want to hurt me. That he had to tell me how he felt to be honest with me. That I deserve better. That I should know he loves me and loved me. He said he will understand if I don't want to talk to him for a while and if I am ready to talk again he can explain more how he feels.

What does it mean Mirror? Is this really the end? Is there anything I can do? I did not answer his message all day but I can't eat, I can't sleep, I miss him Mirror. I love him and I'm so sorry that I messed up....

Thank you for reading my messages,
love
xx

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 19, 6:01 PM,
"What does it mean Mirror? Is this really the end?"

Right now, this is over. Maybe some day it can be rekindled, but for right now, you need to view this as an end. Holding out hope for "more" will only place you at risk of setting yourself up to be disappointed.

"Is there anything I can do?"

Yes - work on yourself dear.

That is what needs to take place right now. Because if you do not do that, you will repeat the same behavior with each and every man you date - or with this same man all over again.

Behavior that comes from a place of fear versus confidence is self-sabotaging. And until that's properly managed, I would not attempt to win this man or this relationship back. Because doing so without dealing with the issue that's causing the problems only ensures that the entire situation would repeat itself and even more damage would be done.

You have to make sure that you're ready to be one half of a loving, trusting, supportive, healthy relationship dear.

"I love him and I'm so sorry that I messed up"

I understand. However, you can't just SAY that -- you have to be willing to PROVE that through your ACTIONS.

You can't just say (WORDS) you're sorry and receive forgiveness only to then prove that nothing has actually changed because you haven't invested in yourself and done the actual WORK.

Investing in "self" is the GREATEST investment there is. . .there's a HUGE return on that type of investment. Doing the work on "self" is not easy, and change does not happen overnight. But if you take the time and make the investment -- you will reap a LIFETIME of rewards for having done so.

Worrying about him and what HE is going to do isn't important right now. What's critically important is YOU. Because YOU are the KEY to a happy, healthy relationship. Once you are right with "self" -- that transfers through to your actions. And once you start taking positive actions with confidence. . .you are then guided towards people and situations and opportunities that add joy and happiness to your life. . .and THEY are drawn TO YOU like a moth to a flame.

People are drawn to confident individuals. Men, in particular, find confidence very attractive because it's enjoyable to be around. (Unlike insecurity, which can be very draining and exhausting and feel like a lot of "work" instead of a lot of enjoyment.)

If you do the work on "self" dear, and you learn to manage your insecurities so that your confidence can surface. . .you will draw people and positive opportunities back to yourself like a magnet ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA... I have this situation that I'm trying to figure out the best way to deal, but not sure.

So before marrying my husband, I was well aware of him still being sort of an active parent in his EX-girlfriend's son's life. He had raised the child from 6 months to 13 yrs. After they broke up and his EX got married to another guy. My husband still wants to be a part of the child's life. At first while we were dating, he told me all about it. I thought for it to be cool because I believed we need role models out here, and especially for boys/young men. He would talk about her, I would listen and ask questions/comments. I was just being a friend. After we had gotten married, he started talking about his EX more and what they did or she did and I began to become uncomfortable and told him how I felt. He got mad at me especially when I mentioned that he still in-love or love her or has feelings for her. He abruptly called me insecure and jealous. Neither am I. I don't talk about past because PAST IS THE PAST! He denied his feelings. Fast forward 1 1/2 yrs into our marriage, we've had some bumps and a few were centered around his EX and her son. We did counseling but he was more defensive then trying to work through it. So a couple of months back, he had told me that he had a conversationS with his EX and they talked about ME and how they understand how uncomfortable I may feel about this situation and etc. I became very upset that he thinks its okay to have CONVERSATIONS/TEXTS with his EX while married. Of course, I expressed my feelings and again he told me that I was insecure and jealous. I told him neither am I. I told him that he has crossed the line. That was unacceptable to be talking to her. I was very upset. I mean how long have they been talking. Does her husband know that they were having "conversations" and for long periods of time. How does her husband feel. I asked my husband so how does he think that her husband would feel that their having conversations. My husband bluntly told me that he wouldn't car. So right then and there told me alot. That my husband still has feelings for her. This is unacceptable! I told him that he should not be talking to her. All communication should be with the boy since he wants to be in his life. He wants the boy to come stay with us for the weekend or while on break. This bothers me. Another woman's child in our house. So my husband called me this morning telling me that the boy will be coming down this weekend and he asked me if I had any issues with it. And that he'll work out the transportation with her. I told him that it bothers me and I feel like he's trying to give her the upperhand in our marriage. He tells me well then I need to fix me and my insecurities. I mean wth! I'm far from being insecure or jealous. I've told him that we cannot move forward in our marriage if he still wants to hang on to old relationship. So would I be wrong to ask her in front of her husband and my husband, what did she put on my husband? I'm sure this will bring some a displeasure or an argument but at this point I don't care. I feel like this child is not allowing for my marriage to move forward.

Mirror- what should I do? what should I say? how should I handle this?

Am I wrong?

Anonymous said...

This is driving me bananas Mirror.

Sorry your articles and analysis are great on how to handle the men we're dating or in a relationship with... I was wondering if you could help me out with this situation.

So I brought my s/o an expensive power tool for Christmas so he could use it for the summer/fall months and then I purchased something he needed for the house as a "just because". Now its almost 7 months later and he has yet to put together the power tool and use it and the "just because" gift he hasn't bother to use either. I've commented quite a few times that I don't feel appreciated that I went out of my way to purchase gifts (5 languages of love) and he has not used them. But when he buys me something, I'll use it, wear it, whatever. Now I'm at a point where I don't want to buy him nothing else. I enjoy going to concerts, I'll usually surprise him with the concert tickets or an event that requires the purchase of tickets so that we could both enjoy. Plus I really like going to concerts. He doesn't deserve any gifts from me. Am I being petty? Could you offer me some suggestions on what to do?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 27, 8:13 AM,
"would I be wrong to ask her in front of her husband and my husband, what did she put on my husband?"

That would not go well -- because it's a confrontational question. And a human beings natural reaction to a confrontation situation is to become defensive. Posing the question like that in a somewhat accusatory tone (like as if she did this, and he had nothing to do with it) will only elicit a defensive response.

The reality is this - "he told me all about it. I thought for it to be cool because I believed we need role models out here"

You knew this going into your marriage. You knew this, and you accepted it. At this point, it's somewhat unfair to now have issue with it, ya' know?

HOWEVER - the child is separate from the mother. Meaning, he can have a relationship with the child, but it's not healthy to be confiding in the mother. Because when he does that, it's placing a burden onto you forcing you to also accept a relationship with the mother that goes beyond something surface oriented and civil.

And it's very unfair to then label you as insecure and jealous afterwards. You did NOT accept a deep relationship with the mother. You accepted a deep relationship with the child. And as a husband, it's his job to ensure that you his wife, and his marriage come first - and that nothing comes between that. It's also his job as a husband to make his wife feel secure. It's his job to provide support and reassurance and to take your wishes and feelings into consideration.

So as your husband, he is failing you a bit I'm afraid :-(

He's not providing the support his wife needs. Instead, he's triggering her insecurities and then blaming her for it - when meanwhile, it's HIS own actions that are causing that. He's not taking responsibility or being accountable for his actions. Instead, he's shifting the focus onto YOUR reaction. He's not providing reassurance and he's not taking his wife's feelings into consideration. That's part of a husbands job, and I'm afraid he's failing you on that.

Do you see what I mean though, about how the mother and child are two completely different things? Those are two completely different relationships. And while remaining in the child's life means he will speak to his ex from time to time, it does not require him to confide in her on an emotional level. And he's failing you as a husband when he does not take responsibility for his own actions and provide you the support you need when he refuses to take your wishes and feelings into consideration.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"He wants the boy to come stay with us for the weekend or while on break. This bothers me. Another woman's child in our house."

You knew this before you married him and you accepted it. You were actually impressed by it. I would not make this the focus of the issue. Because the child is not the issue. The issue is your husbands lack of support, reassurance, and refusal to take his wife's wishes and feelings into consideration. The issue is that he chooses to label you and emotionally trigger you, instead of accepting responsibility for his own actions as the cause.

When you tell him your upset that he's confiding in her, a supportive husband would react to that by saying something like, "Oh I'm sorry. I can understand how that would make you feel. But I can assure you that I'm in love with you and only you. I care about this child. I want to be in this child's life. But if me confiding in his mother upsets you and makes you feel bad, then I can understand that and I will stop doing it. From now on, I'll speak directly to the child and when I have to speak to her, I will keep it short and civil. I'm sorry for making you feel this way. And I appreciate your willingness to open up our home, our lives, and our marriage to this child."

That's a supportive response that takes a wife's feelings into consideration. And if you were to receive that response, my guess is that you'd feel much better about all of this. And the only reason you're not feeling good about it right now is because he does not provide you the support and reassurance you need to help you manage this situation and feel secure in it.

I would not confront the ex. This is between you and your husband. It's his job to protect your marriage from outsiders. And it's his job to provide support and reassurance to his wife. And it's his job to take accountability for his own actions, and any consequences they may bring.

The next time it comes up, calmly and without emotion say to your husband, "It's your actions with his mother that are causing me uncertainty. Why do you disregard my feelings in this and fail to provide me the understanding, support and reassurance I need to successfully manage this situation?"

And then say absolutely nothing else. Even if he becomes defensive, repeat the above word for word and say nothing else. Don't let him shift the focus on you and your behavior. Instead, keep repeating the above and then go silent giving him an opportunity to answer. Do not attempt to defend yourself. Only attempt to get an answer to the question above. . .and keep the focus on HIM and HIS BEHAVIOR and do NOT let him shift it to YOU and YOUR reaction.

The statement and question above are positioned in such a way that they clearly put the focus on him and the actions HE is choosing to take. He's choosing to disregard his wife's feelings, and he's choosing to not provide the additional support and reassurance that would be needed in a situation such as this to make you feel secure so that you can successfully manage it and accept it.

And you need for him to explain why HE IS CHOOSING TO DO THAT.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Because the reality is that he could choose to handle this in a completely different manner with much better results. He could choose to consider your feelings. He could choose to provide you with support and reassurance. And he could choose to make you feel secure. . .and I suspect all would be well.

But he's NOT CHOOSING to do that, and you need to keep repeating the question to find out why. And when he attempts to shift the focus onto you and your reaction, you don't get defensive, you don't raise your voice, you don't argue - you simply calmly repeat the question and keep the focus on him, his behavior and his personal choices here.

He may not answer this right away. And he may become defensive. But I guarantee you that if you remain calm, mature and level-headed (non-emotional) and keep repeating the question. . .he will think about that when he's alone with his thoughts. And it's possible that he may realize that if he just handled the situation a bit differently by providing you the support you need. . .you would then be able to be supportive of him and this situation.

It's a two-way street. If he wants you to be supportive of this, then he needs to support you through it.

It's not fair of him to expect you to provide him with support, while he does not provide you with the same and instead -- checks out on you and labels you as insecure and jealous (instead of taking accountability for his own actions here and how he's choosing to handle this, which are the actual cause of the problem).

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 27, 11:58 AM,
"I went out of my way to purchase gifts. . .he has not used them. . .I don't feel appreciated. . .Could you offer me some suggestions on what to do?"

Cease buying him gifts ;-)

If he has no use for them and doesn't appreciate them, then cease purchasing gifts for him. If he doesn't appreciate that you're going out of your way for him, then cease going out of your way for him.

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous Jun 27, 11:58 AM. OMG. The guy I was seeing was just the opposite. I would get him gifts and he would use them, but he never got me anything. Now mind you, I love giving gifts to people just because. I really don't expect anything in return except appreciation and a smile. But this guy was just taking advantage. and While I didn't WANT him to buy me anything, I wanted him to WANT to buy me things. But he didn't. Well that all changed this past Christmas. I didn't get him SQUAT!! He stopped by my house with a gift (that had "re-gifting" written all over it). I guess he thought I forgot to give him his Christmas gift. LOL. I had nothing for him and didn't regret it one bit. As MOA advised, cease buying him gifts ASAP.

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