"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go? And why hasn't he called?"

How Do You Value Yourself?

When dating, it's important to maintain a healthy self-esteem. It's crucial that you value yourself if you want others to see you as valuable.

Having said that, many find (particularly women), that this is easier said than done. But there are ways to recognize your value and then project that worth to others maintaining pure confidence without the appearance of ego and arrogance.

You see, as women, many of us are taught (even if not by words) that the more you do, the more you give, the more you love - the more you will be loved. And that's simply untrue. The reality is that behaving like that with people (other than your children and a grateful husband - keyword, grateful) will most likely lead to you being taken for granted and will lead to others viewing you with a lower perceived value.

When dating, women tend to feel the need to "do" things that they erroneously believe will lead others to love them for it. Is he an alcoholic? "I can save him, he just needs someone to love him." Is he a narcissist? "Oh he loves me, he just can't show it." Is he a user? "He said he wanted to be with me but after we had sex, he disappeared." There's a common theme in each of these situations if you look closely. And that theme is that in each scenario, the woman is "doing" something to keep this going. With the alcoholic, she's babysitting to an extent. With the narcissist, she's making excuses. And with the user, she's providing sexual favors. In each of these scenarios, the woman is giving more of herself than she should be and is expecting to be loved in return.

How often do you think that really ends up being the case?

Not very often at all. And there's another theme running through each of those examples above. And that theme is one of value. In each scenario, the woman is undervaluing herself. She's in denial more or less and via her actions, signals that this is the best she feels she deserves. In each of these scenarios, the woman doesn't know her value as a human being and this causes her to settle for less.

Do you know your value? Let's find out.

How Do You Value Yourself?

How Much Do You Understand the Concept of Perception? (Observing)

How people perceive you depends highly on how you perceive yourself. If you talk yourself down, point out your flaws and share all your fears on the first few dates, basically giving the man 20 reasons he should NOT be interested in you, then guess what happens? He finds himself less interested in you. Not because of what HE thinks of you, but because of what YOU think about YOURSELF. You valued yourself low and as human nature would have it, thus influenced his overall decision about you.

People like to be around positive energy, and confidence is positive and very powerful. So you need to understand the direct connection between how you perceive yourself and how others will ultimately perceive you as a result.

How Much Do You Understand the Value of Selfishness When Done Without Malice? (Protecting)

I know, I know. You're thinking, "What the heck? How can being selfish ever be a good thing?" Well ladies, it can, it can be a very good thing - when done without malice and for the greater good - that "good" being YOU. I'm not telling you to be selfish to the point of harming others. I'm telling you to be selfish when it comes to protecting yourself from others.

Stop "doing, doing, doing" all the time. Cut yourself some slack. People will still love you, even if you don't act like an appliance for them. Women are at it 24/7 generally with busy careers, running a household, caring for others, children, etc. This causes women to have to "wear the pants" in many situations. But when dating, drop those drawers ladies (not literally, of course) - put on that dress, and let someone care for you for once. Let someone treat you special, let someone make you feel good about yourself.

If this individual doesn't do that for you, then you move on. Simple as that, you move on; you become selfish. And you acknowledge what you need from a man to make you happy - and you don't ever settle for less than that. Keep looking until you find it. Because it's what you deserve.

How Much Do You Trust Yourself? (Trusting)

When your gut's rumbling, do you listen to it? Or do you dismiss it and plow full steam into "danger" of sorts, attempting to convince yourself that you can somehow manage to navigate a tricky situation? Because, if you don't trust yourself, then how can you expect others to trust you? Trust is huge in relationships and it doesn't just exist between two individuals, it exists within yourself as well.

If you second guess yourself constantly, those around you will certainly pick up on your distrust of yourself. As a result, your credibility with them begins to wane. Trust yourself and build your credibility.

How Much Do You Think for Yourself and Trust Your Own Judgment? (Thinking)

Women are analytical thinkers, there's no doubt about that. But when analyzing situations, are you leaning on others to guide you or are you trusting your own judgment? (One of those situations where trust plays a role again.) If you tend to lean on others to think for you and to judge situations for you more than you think for yourself and use your own judgment skills - then you don't trust your own judgment.

Stop worrying about what others think and about what they're thinking. Focus on what you think.  In the end, your opinion is the only one that matters and if you trust your gut, it'll never steer you wrong.

How Much Does Your Self-Worth Come From "Without" Instead of Within? (Behavior)

If you find that you are always competing and always trying to live up to someone's expectations of you, then guess what? Your self-worth is coming from "without" - it's stemming from "lack." Because you feel you "lack" on some level, you then strive to "fill" yourself up from the outside and use that individuals reaction as an indicator of your self-worth.

Your self-worth should come from within. Relax, stop "doing," stop trying so hard to "fix" everything, stop giving more than you receive - and see how fulfilled you suddenly become.

How Much of a Set of Standards Do You Have That You Adhere To? (Belief)

When you have a set of personal standards that you adhere to, particularly when dating, it basically constructs your personal belief system.  If you adhere to that set of standards, then your beliefs stand strong. And if you stand strong in your beliefs, nothing, and I mean nothing, can influence you into doing anything other than that which falls in line with them.

Develop a set of personal beliefs and then stick to them.  Don't let anarchy reign, set some healthy boundaries for yourself and with others.

Take the Test

To find out just how much you do, or do not, value yourself, go through each question above and then jot down a number of 1- 10 that most closely relates to "how much" regarding the answer to that question. Total the numbers of your answers.

If you ended up with a total that's 20 and under, you do not value yourself.  If you've ended up with a total that's 21 -40, then you're halfway there. If you've ended up with a total 41-60, then give yourself a big pat on the back.

A Healthy Sense of Value and Self-Worth

To build a healthy self-esteem, confidence, and a strong sense of value and self-worth, it is necessary to "align" yourself properly and I believe that there are six main areas of focus necessary to do that. I've listed these six areas in parenthesis above as each question addresses one: Observing, Protecting, Trusting, Thinking, Behavior and Belief.

If you align your observations, you heighten your skills of protection. If you trust in those observations and the actions necessary to protect yourself, then your thinking becomes more clear. And once you're thinking becomes more clear, your behavior tends to fall in line and begins to solidify with your beliefs.  It brings to mind an old quote by Mahatma Ghandi:

"Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits, your habits become your values, your values become your destiny."

Trust me ladies, focusing and working on these six areas mentioned above is going to empower you.  You're going to trust yourself, you're going to feel in control, you will know what you will and won't tolerate from others, you will be comfortable setting clear and firm boundaries, you will know what it is that you truly believe in, your skills of observation and protection will kick into high gear and you will never question yourself again.

Most importantly, you will not find yourself being acted upon by others.

Your "dog" days are over, ladies:

Related Posts with Thumbnails


Anonymous said...

Thank God you're there Mirror !!! Missed ya ! Muaaah

Gemini50 said...

Bravo Ms. Mirror, Cheers! w/coffee cup in hand ;)

For new readers:
Just as my high school art teacher would respond to students who would say they didn't know how to draw, "You don't take flying lessons because you already know how to fly," Ms. Mirror's articles/feedback here offers a path to practice the behaviors and skills outlined in this article.

You are worth your investment to read and practice! :)

wiseowl said...

another fabulous article Mirror, the ways women do and give in relating to men is surely inherited from observing out mothers, and their mothers before them- and also from the movies. We are taught to give only to our detriment. Its not until we go through so much in life the time finally comes when we say "hey what about me" and we start to live a little more selfishly which is a good thing for some, as its about time.

Aaron Richards said...

Smart! I like this and it's so true. A lot of women under value who they are and what they mean to others. Great article.

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much!! I wish I read this years ago. Soon to be divorced from a narcissist, and read a lot of myself in those paragraphs. I will keep this in mind now into the dating scene...

Peter said...

Well said MOA.

This is another very good post and one I wish all the ladies here will pay attention to. Know your value then show it, and you will get back what you put out. Follow MOA and her words of wisdon here as she is correct in everything she says.

Pisces Girl said...

hey Mirror i commented previously today but this is something that i just need to write about and it kind of ties in to how we as women value ourselves. Society nowadays seems to place so much value on marriage and kids and that being the only path to true happiness for women and makes us feel like we're just not normal if thats not something we think about,dream about and desire desperately. Maybe i never have because i grew up in somewhat of a dysfuntional home but my older sister made a comment today that life is nothing without companionship,marriage,and kids -thats right NOTHING-i have to admit i got pretty offended by this comment because it was so one sided! i told her that sounded like a very judgemental comment and she told me that's just my own insecurities talking. She said thats what brings her the most happiness and i was just overreacting and taking it all the wrong way and being confrontational.previous to that she told me i just have to be open to love and ill find it(hate when people give me advice when i dont ask for it) im really happy that she's found what's right for her but that doesnt mean that's what's right for everybody!were all different and therefore our definition of happiness is going to be different. Some women dont choose that path for themselves and they are perfectly content not to mention they arent tied down by a husband and kids -its funny because my sister complains about her husband sometimes and how much the kids stress her out but she makes a comment like that. I know she wants whats best for me and maybe i was over reacting a bit?? but a lot of people seem to be making comments like that these days-i just wonder if they really know what they're talking about!?? please weigh in

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Pisces Girl,
I see that a lot dear - and most times - from "happily" married folks, LOL ;-)

They've found their happiness and that's great, but that doesn't mean that what makes them happy is what makes everyone happy. And lots of times, and I really, really hate to say this, but the biggest offenders of this that I see. . .are those that seem to almost be trying to convince themselves - that they are actually happy, LOL. It's like if they say it enough, maybe they'll believe it. That's snarky of me I know, and I'm not trying to be rude, but that's just my observation.

Folks that tend to "project" their wishes and desires onto others - are generally suffering a "lack" of some sort in my experience. I'm happy being single. But I don't walk around telling women that's how they all ought to be. Yes, I advocate independence and an independent lifestyle, but I advocate that both in and out of relationships as I feel it's healthy. When women are alone, I try to show them the positive side of that and explain that there is happiness in it. But if they want to get married and they find a good man, there's also happiness in that as well.

Everyone has different needs. Some people feel a need to be loved and accepted by others and those are the folks that tend to be happier in relationships and as parents because the spouse and the children feel that "need" for them.

Some folks need independence. And those are the folks that tend to prefer a single life that permits free reign, career pursuits, travel, exploration, etc. and those activities feel their "need" for an independent lifestyle.

To each his own, ya' know?

But one thing I will say - your sister couldn't be more wrong about this erroneous belief:

"life is nothing without companionship, marriage and kids."

So, so incorrect. Love is what makes the world go round dear and drives us as a species. And love is experienced in MANY forms besides marriage and children. Mother Teresa had no children, but she made the world's children her own. And I imagine if you asked her, she'd tell you life was incredibly fulfilling. Additionally, companionship comes in many forms. Many without spouses find companionship and unconditional love in pets, in volunteer work, in charity work, in friendships, in family - in many, many varied forms. And I'm not one of those folks that believes that just because you can have children, you should be a parent. I've seen lots of folks blessed with children that I feel don't deserve them, abuse them, mistreat them, etc. Additionally, you can "mother" and "parent" many things besides children as well. Hell, I "mother" a lot of my friends, LOL ;-)

Not everyone's calling is parenthood and marriage dear. And many folks without spouses and children have actually put their skills to use doing great things such as the Mother Teresa example who "mothered" the world's children. Oprah has no children and no husband, but she too helps others and finds "love" in doing so. And I imagine if you asked Oprah if she feels she's lived a fulfilling existence, she'd give off a resounding, "YES."

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

And I'm going to venture into "touchy" territory here. .and no offense if intended to anyone, I'm just speaking freely here and sharing my own personal observations, but when I see/hear women make comments like the one your sister made about "life is nothing without companionship, marriage and kids" - I'll be honest, I kinda get a bit of a cringe. And I don't cringe because I don't like to hear that. I cringe because. . .I get fearful for the woman.

Let me explain. I've seen lots of women feel strongly as your sister does about marriage and children - until the marriage falls apart, the kids grow up and leave - and she finds herself alone. Then what happens is lots of times they start to say to themselves, "Who am I? Without my husband and without my children, who the hell am I? MY entire existence was about OTHERS. And those OTHERS have now gone. So where does that leave me? Who does that make me? Who the hell am I? What do I like? What do I want? Where did MY dreams go? What have I become?"

And before you know it, they realize that they never really knew themselves. Instead, they wrapped their dreams and ideas and beliefs and lifestyle around OTHERS, never once taking the time to "find" themselves.

It happens - and more than you'd think and probably definitely more than your sister thinks. She's happy now dear. But what if she found out her husband was cheating? What if he took the kids? What if the kids stayed after the divorce but then went off to college? Where would that leave her? Would she still believe that marriage and children are the ONLY ingredient for happiness and fulfillment?

Like I said, I'm not slamming marriage. Hell, I've done it myself. For me, it didn't work out. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't do it again. And that also doesn't mean that I feel it's the ONLY thing that would make me happy and fulfilled, because frankly, I'm happy and fulfilled without it right now, LOL.

You have to know YOURSELF dear. You have to find that which makes YOU happy and fulfilled. If that's children and a husband, so be it. If it's a dog and a cat, so be it. If it's being of service to others, so be it. If it's living a solitary life up in the mountains, so be it. If it's globetrotting around the world, so be it. If it's a corporate career and business success, so be it.

Get what I'm saying? We're all DIFFERENT for a reason dear. Each of us, in our own way, contributes to the "whole" of life in some fashion or another. And each of us finds "love" in one form or another. We need the parents, spouses, poets, artists, contractors, doctors, lawyers, volunteers, writers, activists, counselors, therapists, foster parents, adoptive parents, animal lovers, nature lovers of the world, ya' know?

If everyone was married with children and found their ENTIRE happiness in that - none of this other stuff would ever get done - everyone would just stop right there, LOL ;-)

People can be passionate about all kinds of things in life dear and contribute to those things in their own way and find fulfillment and happiness from those things just the same.

Our uniqueness and differences are what makes the world go round and we each contribute in our own way. We should EMBRACE that and cease trying to jam everyone into the same little box :-)

Don't mind your sister dear. She's just suffering a bit of small mindedness at the moment, tucked away safe in her little box LOL ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Pisces Girl,
Just as I finished writing that comment above, I came across this:

"We're Pissed to be Pregnant with Twins:"


Their story is a complicated one, but it brings to mind the old saying, "Careful what you wish for" ;-)

Things that make you happy and fulfilled now may not always be the things that make you happy and fulfilled at a different stage in life.

pisces girl said...

society really needs to cease trying to jam everybody into the same little box! that's what really irritates me as soon as you decide to steer off the normal path of the way that things 'ought to be done' people start scratching their heads and wondering what planet you just landed from!instead of keeping in mind that we are all different and unique individuals-but I feel like people just have a harder time relating to others who are 'different' from them meaning not following the same life regimen - that 9-5 rut, family, kids, husband trap-the one that enslaves you to others who rarely if ever show any appreciation with little or no pay. Sometimes I also wonder if there is some envy there because they couldn't 'think outside the box' and be bold and live the life they really wanted- I certainly think that this world needs less deadbeat parents who just have children because they can and needs more mother theresa's and oprahs who impact this world in profound ways- If only everybody could adopt mother theresas children of the world mentality-what a difference it would make in this world if every child who needed to be loved and cared for and guided would be regardless of who that childs birth parents are...

pisces girl said...

as far as my sister is concerned I know she has her own shortcomings and insecurities so shes placing all her value in her husband and kids right now as a distraction from dealing with other dilemmas-right now she doesn't speak or have a relationship with our mother or father, one other sister and even her own two kids from her first marriage( long story but there father raised them) and shes been estranged they live in different cities which really hurts her since shes tried to reach out to them over the years but they haven't always been the most receptive since that bond was never built- so I think when she makes that comment she does so because she might feel like her own little family is all that she really has :( but I do hope that no matter what she will be ok and find peace within her self even when they're not around her-I know shes very anxious and couldn't enjoy a trip in vegas with our other sister because she couldn't bear being away from her 'babies' (6 and 8) so she cut that trip short and when she thinks about my niece growing up and leaving her she cries...I hope she wont be one of those overly clingy mothers when there older, shes already very over protective-I guess this is why a woman should define herself internally not externally-maybe this is why statistics show that elderly married couples usually die within a short time frame of each other because there spouse defined who they were and in their mind there is no life and no hope without them....that's no happily ever after if you ask me ....

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror: thank you for this article. In relationships, I tend to give a lot of myself and at the end I become resentful when I am not treated with the same love and care. I often wonder if I am the one who is doing all of the liking. Do you believe in the old saying that it is best for man to like or pursue a woman more?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Yes dear, I do believe in that and studies have shown that those situations have a higher likelihood of long term commitment.

Brad said...

Good Morning MoA...

This article is so true! :)

In my life I use the analogy that I am an island unto myself. Other people are islands too. When I like someone, I send warm currents into the waters that flows in between our islands. I never go onto another Island.

This is how I've learnt to value myself. I don't need anyone...because I have everything I need.

Rule number 1 in life, know thyself. Everything else follows naturally after that. What use is it to know everything except yourself? There is mystery beyond all secrets, there is beauty beyond the skin, there is inter dimensional wonder & there is strength beyond the muscles; that lies deep within us. Introspection is your compass, how can anyone dishonor you when you know the value of who you are?

For Example: When you enter a bar, the walls, the drinks, the tables & chairs, the people...every particle (animate or inanimate) gets affected by the inner you. If you come into the room feeling inferior & not sure of yourself, everything instinctively mirrors you. You have set the tone of yourself into your immediate surroundings. Life doesn't only exist on a macro-cosmic scale, it also exist on a micro & mono cosmic scale. About 95% - 98% of communication is non verbal, its mostly vibrational. When you meet a great guy or woman & you all of a sudden feel really comfortable, chatty, in great spirits, happy... these are all vibratory senses you are feeling. It's their essence communicating with you, non verbally.

This is the importance of knowing yourself. You emit your state of mind. There is an old quote that my WW1 veteran grand dad told me... "Victory is a state of being, which begins as a state of mind!" Be careful of your state of mind because it becomes your state of being.

Know your true value. Are you a slave for anyone? Why do you accept to be treated poorly, in the name of love? Ladies, emotions are good when they are not heavy... heavy emotions render you rigid & when something is rigid... it snaps under pressure. Be light, be fluid... have fun, know your worth, create a healthy state of mind & soon it will become your state of being.

For the ladies having trouble with creating a valuable sense of self, just think, you got where you are today just because of your previous state of mind. You are the sum of your previous actions & mind states. Start today to build a better tomorrow.

With love,
Brad :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I'm glad you're finding the pieces here on the site useful and insightful. It's nice to see more men participating on the site in helpful ways instead of launching attacks, calling names and making idle threats :-)

While I will admit that I am a bit disappointed that you admitted in another comment to being a "bad boy," I do see that you are evolved enough to understand the big picture of what's going on and I believe that in the end - you'll chose to do the right thing because of your understanding of it.

And I am also grateful that you feel safe enough to express and explore that here, sharing your thoughts and experiences openly with others in positive ways, which signals that you have enough maturity to see things for what they are and a willingness to explore those sides of yourself openly.

And you are spot on with your concept of "energy" emission into one's environment - and how it is always reflected back at you, manifesting your ultimate experience in this third dimensional world.

And this, "Victory is a state of being, which begins as a state of mind!" Be careful of your state of mind because it becomes your state of being" - is all about "intention." The power of intention cannot be underestimated as I feel it comes second to love, as one of the most powerful things on this earth.

Man or woman - people are always only going to treat you - as well as you treat yourself. Which is why carrying yourself properly is crucial when dating.

I believe that your words will help many of the readers here and once again, I thank you for sharing your thoughts openly. I hope that you learn something from us, and the ladies here learn something from you. None of us are perfect and we all have our faults and we all make mistakes.

In the end, it is our willingness to face them and openly understand them and be willing to work on ourselves - that makes the difference.

Welcome to the community, Brad :-)

Brad said...


I find many of your articles extremely insightful & they have really helped me. Thank you for the welcome & I will always give my point of view if I think it might be helpful to others. I will never know everything, neither do I want to...but what I know, I know it well.

What drew me to this site was the eloquence of your articles. You are a brilliant writer & a wonderful human being... I can only speak for myself, but you smash through the darkness with your clarity of vision & communication . Some people are born with a gift of clear vision & communicating, you are definitely one of them.
You perform noble deeds daily by helping people with real problems, not for a pat on the back, but through genuine love for life. I find it incredible & that is why I will gladly offer my insights wherever I can.

We have all have different paths that have lead us until today, but it's great to find people with a understanding of the fabric of reality that is in & around us every moment. I have always been fascinated by the inner workings of the life force that pervades everything in & around us. I am not perfect but I will say what I see. My gift is that I see things beyond the veil.

I haven't had the chance to read through all of your articles, but I am looking forward to learning from them.

I am sure we will speak again.

Have a great day MoA! :)
With Love,

wiseowl said...

Hi MOA, I believe I have a good self esteem and value myself very highly always putting my needs first in a relationship....I like this phrase "when I take care of myself first, I actually have more to give"...

However, now that I have been online dating for a year and sticking to my values, I wonder if Im missing out. The women who meet a man jump into bed with them the night they first meet and some men I did meet have found someone- meanwhile Im still sitting here alone, with my values, and expectations of how I want to be treated. Im wondering if you could do an article on long term dating- and keeping the momentum and postive attitude alive. I still have high hopes, but have lowered my expectations of finding someone, and the type of man I wanted. Im starting to feel I should just go with the next one who comes along- as Im missing the cuddles!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Don't worry dear, you're not alone in that. I, too, have been there and I'm sure many other women here have as well.

"The women who meet a man jump into bed with them the night they first meet and some men I did meet have found someone"

Yes, that happens, and from the outside looking in, it appears as if all is well and everyone is happy. However, the reality is that many of those women - are settling, and probably putting up with a ton of BS just to keep the relationship afloat.

And the men, they've probably met women who are willing to settle for less, which suits their needs.

One personal observation I've made over time is this - many men, not all but many, actually NEED a woman who is NEEDY and willing to SETTLE. And I've noticed that the more macho the man, the weaker the woman that settles with him. And this is because macho men who are insistent upon their own way constantly will NOT choose a woman that is independent. Instead, they prefer a woman who is dependent upon them as it gives them a feeling of power, control and "manliness" that in turn, makes them feel less insecure about themselves.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that just because you witness a "pairing" take place - doesn't automatically mean it's a good one, or a HEALTHY one. Because the reality is that like attracts like - and unhealthy individuals pair with one another every single day. And those relationships usually consist of one person settling while the other has their cake and eats it too, and each is feeding off of the unhealthiness of the other in some way.

Just because the grass LOOKS greener on the other side - doesn't necessarily mean it is dear. And whether it's on your side of the fence or the other side - that grass still needs mowed (maintained).

When unhealthy folks pair, it generally results in approximately a 3-5 month relationship. Whether or not the pairings you're witnessing withstand the test of time, is another story ;-)

Anonymous said...

hey aphrodite.... (i been with my boyfriend for a year and havent met his family yet and he invited me to his parents event to cancel and was on instagram with a girl..
i have verbally disrespected him and in result he told me he dont know if we will ever be in a relationship. i told him that if thats how he feels then ok and thanks for the clarity and closure next thing i know he was telling me he lov me. i have not slept with hin because he said we are not in a relationship then he ask me if i wanna go to his parents event and cancel he say he lov me all the time but now he isnt callung me or texting me as much when he do things he lie and he acts like he dont have to answer to me. but he says that he dnt want to lose contact with me and that his heart is open to me but he dont trust me. he say he not trying to get his heartbroke but i dnt know of he says all these things to sleep with me or not but im not sleeping with him anymore until he commits it seems like he be close then he pulls away. i really lov him and he says he lov me but his actions arent lining up with his words and im starting to give up i cnt chase him and i cnt keep letting him treat me wrobg bit he acts like he has no remorse for my feelings and i asked him why is thngs so difficult and he said because then he will kno i lov him. xrazy thing is i dnt believe anything he says anymore because he lied to me and tht also makes me question if he really lovs me or not.. what shoild i do i feel like i failed and i feel ised and played

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"One personal observation I've made over time is this - many men, not all but many, actually NEED a woman who is NEEDY and willing to SETTLE."

I should clarify that I'm referring to "unhealthy" individuals in that statement - which is why it doesn't include ALL men.

It mainly applies to insecure individuals, such as macho men, players and punks - not true gentlemen. Because a true gentleman is "well" and is confident and as a result, he will choose an equal to himself to pair with - a woman who is "well" and confident and independent (not needy).

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 20, 10:58 AM,
"what should i do i feel like i failed and i feel played"

Accept that you cannot change him, that you cannot control him, you cannot make him love you and you cannot make him want a relationship with you. He has to want those things himself and if he truly does, his words will align with his actions.

Once you accept that you can't change or control him - you realize that the only thing you can control - is yourself and what you do.

So now that you know how he is and that you can't change him - what are YOU going to do about it?

You have two options: Stay and beat your head against the wall, attempting to pound a round peg into a square hole. . .or choose happiness for YOURSELF, and leave him to seek out a man this IS sure about you and DOES want a relationship with you :-)

Anonymous said...

Thanks aphrodite! Its crazy because i know but i need these things i just need to get out of my feelings with him.. he hasnt called or text me all day today and im kinda happy because i can try to get him out of my mind and focus all on me.... I know he will reappear and I guess thats my fear. I love him so much i just need to stay away from him. Its so crazy but i keep getting myself in these situations were everything starts off right then the guy atarts trying to take advantage of me. I give it to him xas he was good he really had me convinced that he was a good guy and he was right for me but all along he was a dog!! I gotta switch things up! So let me ask you this.. from here do u think his behavior will get worse? How do I resist him when he reappears? Do you think he will reappear? Shits all over the place!! Rhanks though she is great!

Scorpiolady said...

I found this piece touching... Wanted to share :-)


The Type
by Sarah Kay

If you grow up the type of woman men want to look at,
You can let them look at you.
But do not mistake eyes for hands,
Or windows
Or mirrors.
Let them see what a woman looks like.
They may not have ever seen one before.

If you grow up the type of woman men want to touch,
You can let them touch you.
Sometimes it is not you they are reaching for.
Sometimes it is a bottle, a door, a sandwich, a Pulitzer, another woman -
But their hands found you first.
Do not mistake yourself for a guardian, or a muse, or a promise, or a victim or a snack.
You are a woman -
Skin and bones, veins and nerves, hair and sweat
You are not made of metaphors,
Not apologies, not excuses.

If you grow up the type of woman men want to hold,
You can let them hold you.
All day they practice keeping their bodies upright.
Even after all this evolving it still feels unnatural,
Still strains the muscles, holds firm the arms and spine.
Only some men will want to learn what it feels like to curl themselves into a question mark around you,
Admit they don’t have the answers they thought they would by now.
Some men will want to hold you like the answer.
You are not the answer.
You are not the problem.
You are not the poem, or the punchline, or the riddle, or the joke.

Woman, if you grow up the type of woman men want to love,
You can let them love you.
Being loved is not the same thing as loving.
When you fall in love,
It is discovering the ocean after years of puddle jumping.
It is realising you have hands.
It is reaching for the tightrope after the crowds have all gone home.

Do not spend time wondering if you are the type of woman men will hurt.
If he leaves you with a car alarm heart.
You learn to sing along.
It is hard to stop loving the ocean,
Even after it’s left you gasping, salty.
So forgive yourself for the decisions you’ve made,
The ones you still call mistakes when you tuck them in at night,
And know this.

Know you are the type of woman who is searching for a place to call yours.
Let the statues crumble.
You have always been the place.
You are a woman who can build it yourself.
You are born to build.

pisces girl said...

so sad about Gia Allemand (from the bachelor)! I didn't realize she committed suicide till now! and apparently its because her boyfriend told her he didn't love her anymore :(( so she hung herself at age 29-so heartbreaking because I can understand on a personal level when you love someone so much and they don't love you back how much that hurts and when you're in an unhealthy state of mind that can take you to a very dark place and lead to some really terrible outcomes as it did in Gia's case. That's why what you do here mirror is such a true blessing to so many of us ladies who are struggling in relationships and trying to find a meaningful one because you take the time to remind us that we are valuable regardless of what anybody says about us and a relationship is not the end all and be all in life but I guess for some females who are so invested in their relationships and cant picture life without that person the thought of being without them can be unbearable-ive been there and sometimes I still struggle but I come here daily for words of encouragement, hope, and reminders to not settle for someone who does not and will not ever value me-so thanks again xo

Gayle said...

These days I value myself very highly. I never used to though. It took a lot of "learning" about myself and those around me and closest to me to get to where I am today!

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror, I desperately need your take on this. I recently broke it off with my boyfriend (we have been together a little over a year, and this has not been our first breakup) because he worked alot which I did not mind, but during that time I felt under valued. When working 2nd shift 7 days straight he would send a generic "how was your day" text but not call at all. I felt we were not connecting and he was not being as attentive as he should be. During our short breakup my Dad passed, I sent him a text and his response was "Im sorry, let me know if you need anything". Is this how you treat someone you claimed to love? No call, no card, no flowers, just a text, I was hurt. He did send me a text a few days later..... not expressing his condolences but to vent about how he was angry with me for breaking up with him because he had to work. We started dating again, (he knew I was dating others) but he also knew I was not physical with them and that deep down it was him that I loved. The relationship became physical again. My question is this....... How can he claim to love me, sleep with me, yet not mind me dating other men??? When I asked him this his response was "it is your choice". If he were to date other women I would demand he stop or we were done, I definitely would not sleep with him. I just want him to give me the time and attention I deserve. I feel as though he couldn't possibly love me if he allows me to date others. I would not be able to stand the thought of him with another woman, whether they were intimate or not. All this confuses me and makes me question his real motives and intentions. Is he using me? Does he really love me? I really didn't want to be with anyone else, I simply wanted more time and attention from him. How could he be ok with this?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 10, 3:50 PM,
"this has not been our first breakup"

Ugh, you're not going to like this dear but. . ."we broke up a lot of times, but then we got back together, got married and lived happily ever after". . .said no one - ever :-(

"I felt under valued. . .he was not being as attentive as he should be"

Then why stay dear? Do you actually think you can change someone? You can't make someone love you, care for you, want a relationship with you or treat you right. You can't control those things. The only thing you can control - is YOUR REACTION to those things.

You don't stick around and try harder to pound a square peg into a round hole. Instead, you accept the reality that this man cannot make you happy and in addition to that, he doesn't appear WILLING to make you happy either. And when faced with that, instead of trying harder (to change someone), it's best to accept it for what it is - and decide for yourself (instead of waiting on a man to change and become your Prince) that he's NOT your Prince - and that you deserve better. And you end it.

"Is this how you treat someone you claimed to love?"

No it's not. But again dear, he is who he is. You can't change that and no amount of "talks" is ever going to change that either. This man is simply not capable, or is unwilling, to fulfill your needs. And when a man signals that to you, you don't try to change him and you don't try harder and you don't work harder at it - you end it and you move on. You accept that you're not a match and you decide for yourself to move forward and find a man this IS willing and capable of fulfilling your needs.

"He did send me a text a few days later..... not expressing his condolences but to vent about how he was angry with me for breaking up with him because he had to work."

He's selfish, self-centered, insensitive - and unwilling and/or simply incapable of thinking of others and then fulfilling their needs.

"How can he claim to love me, sleep with me, yet not mind me dating other men?"

If he had true feelings for you dear - TRUST ME, that would NOT be okay with him. No man wants to share something he himself appreciates and admires as his own.

"I just want him to give me the time and attention I deserve."

I realize that dear, but again, you cannot change someone. You cannot make them love you, fulfill your needs, want a relationship with you, etc. You simply can't. If he's treating you poorly and taking advantage of you. . .he deserves CONSEQUENCES for those actions. What he doesn't deserve is more of your attention for behaving badly:


If your dog pees on the living room floor, do you reward it? Do you give it a treat? No. You issue a consequence, and you place the dog outside and AWAY from YOU. When a man treats you poorly and instead of issuing a consequence, you try harder. . .all you end up doing is signaling to him that any time he wants your attention. . .he needs to do something "bad" in order to get showered with it.

You reward only good behavior - and you issue consequences for bad behavior. That's what teaches people lessons, that's how you set healthy boundaries for how you expect to be treated and that's how you signal that that type of treatment WILL NOT be tolerated by you. Because someone can only treat you as poorly as you let them.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"All this confuses me and makes me question his real motives and intentions."

I would be too. And his character and actions and behavior are signaling to you that his intentions - are geared towards HIMSELF.

"How could he be ok with this?"

Who knows dear. But that doesn't matter. What DOES matter is that this man is not your match. He is incapable and unwilling to fulfill your needs. He is insensitive, selfish and apathetic. It appears to me that he's immature and not really relationship material as things such as compromise, caring for others, a willingness to make your significant other happy, sacrifice, etc. . .are all REQUIRED to make a relationship work. And those are all things he's not capable of or is unwilling to do. And that signals him as non-relationship material dear.

Try to move on here and thank your lucky stars that this happened and that you can now begin to move away from him and towards men that want to make you happy. A lifetime with a man like this is exhausting, depleting and thankless. And I don't think that's your idea of "happily ever after" so be thankful you didn't actually end up stuck with a self-centered prick like this.

Smile dear, this is good - you just don't realize it yet ;-)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your wisdom..... I respect it. I think he is sort of like an addiction for me, and I do realize it is not healthy, but it is a very hard cycle to break. I am not the personality type who would ordinarily tolerate this type of treatment, (I am in my 40's and have NEVER put up with men like this in my past. He seems to have some sort of hold on me I cannot explain. Sexual?? Maybe....... I don't know. He definitely doesn't shower me with time and attention however I do not seem to be drawn to any other man who may be willing to. I wish it was that easy to just walk away. Believe me...... I have tried numerous times, but keep going back for more. I know it's messed up, and I hate myself for being so weak when I have always been so strong. This relationship has depleted me and taken away my peace. I pray I will find the strength.

Anonymous said...

Hey MOA, I am the last post you responded to dated December 10. I broke it off with him, he accused me of being petty and says we always end up here, and have conversations and drama over what he considers petty. I am not contacting him but desperately want to send him what I wrote to you and what your response was just to show him others see what he has done as wrong too, because he makes it sound like it is me being petty. Would it be wrong to mail my blog to him and include your response? Do you think he would think I was crazy for doing it? I just want him to see that I am not the only one who see's something wrong with his behavior.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous December 17, 4:51PM,
That's up to you dear, however, who cares what a man like this thinks of you, ya' know? Send it to him if you like, but know that if you do so, you will just be perpetuating the situation. He will engage you in an argument and most likely become defensive, nasty, say more hurtful things and cause you pain as a result.

I know it's hard dear. And of course a selfish man is going to project his pettiness onto you - because he's selfish and selfish folks cover themselves in butter so-to-speak. . .meaning, everything slides off of them and onto you and they are rarely, if ever, accountable for their own actions. With them, it cannot possibly be their fault, it's got to be someone else's. They couldn't have possibly made mistakes - but others can and do regularly. That's how they see the world dear and that's why he's not relationship material. A life with a man like this would surely only bring you pain and would slowly chip away at your confidence and self-esteem.

Stay strong dear. . .because the best revenge - is doing WELL. They hate to see that, LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

Simply amazing article , and quite true when it comes to women .. love it .. and thankyou .. regards saima

Barbara Starr said...

My boyfriend of 3 years is married. I have expressed several times. I want him to herb divorce. And that I want to be married one day. He says he just don't want to pay for it. 500.00!.they have been seperated 7 years. I should not have gotten into a relationship with him. Its my fault I no. We are living together . The only time he says he will get a divorce is when I bring it up. Its apparent to me . He us not interesed in me. We got into a arguement about this. And I got mad and told him I don't want him to get a divorce. Its ok with Me. And I have decided I dont want to .b married one day. So that was his lucky day

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Honey, you have to value YOURSELF if you want other to value you. You set the bar for your worth. You're worth and sense of value does NOT come from a man. It should not stem from "without" (looking for your happiness in another). It should stem from within (being happy with or without another).

If you settle for less than you deserve, then you're signaling that that's "enough" for you. And if you do that, the man will never feel compelled to give you "more." If that is good enough for you, then it'll be good enough for him as well, ya' know?

Again, the control over that lies within you dear. And you control it by either settling, or by having the strength to know that you deserve better and walking away to free yourself up to find your match...someone who wants the same things in life as you do.

It appears that this man is not your match. And it appears that he's not willing to fulfill your needs. If you stay dear, you will only become even more resentful and your needs will never be met, which will cause you to lash out emotionally at times. It's understandable, that's what poor treatment does to people. And you want to be with someone that brings out the BEST in you, not someone that brings out the worst :-)

IHaveValue said...

I'm so glad I came across this. I used to value myself and had high expectations for what I expected out of a man. Then my brain shut off and my emotions took over. I've been reading your stories and I just started crying my eyes out wondering at what point I lost control. I have been such a fool. I have taken your advice and written it on my bedroom wall so it is the last thing I read when I go to bed and the first thing I see when I wake up. I will stay focused this time. Thank you a thousand times.

Barbara Star said...

Thank u. U are so right. Now I feel better. I was thinking I'm selfish. But you made me feel better

Anonymous said...

Dear mirror,
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and it has just completely gone to crap. We have both messed up with bringing other people into our relationship and neither one of us can let it go. He recently brought another girl into the picture. We have lived together for 3 years so I could be closer to college and he was so ready to mess around with her he was willing to move out but still pay his portion of the bills. We broke up after that but (and I don't know if this is a coincidence or not) she got a boyfriend and all of a sudden he wants to try and he gets so defensive when I bring her up in our fights saying she has nothing to do with our relationship but she has been a problem since the beginning. I love that I can be myself around him but he's so sketchy when it comes to his emotions. I tried the advice from the disappearing reappearing man when he goes out with his friends, comes home, and immediately sleeps on the couch. It's like he's only willing to try when it's convenient for him. I asked him to move out so that we could actually have some space but he basically refuses so I have to. It makes me sick cause I don't wanna lose him. I can be my super weird self with him and he doesn't care. I don't know what to do! Please help me!

P.s. I've been under serious stress cause my parents just got arrested and getting sentenced in august, I'm messing up in school, and I have 3 jobs right now. I'm so stressed out and he has a big problem with not getting the attention he wants from me cause I'm stressed out and its like he will go look for that somewhere else.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 22, 5:15 PM,
Get rid of him dear and focus on yourself. This man is emotionally unavailable to you. Meaning, he's with you, but he's not emotionally invested. And without that investment, he'll leave you constantly questioning yourself, he'll create heightened anxiety in your life and your confidence and self-esteem will suffer while your stress only increases.

Basically dear, he's not adding to your life in any way...he's actually detracting from it. Instead of adding happiness to your life, he's adding lots of grief, stress and anxiety.

When a man doesn't make you feel good about yourself dear and instead, he stresses you out and leaves you constantly questioning yourself...he's a negative presence in your life, not a positive one, and you need to rid yourself of the negativity. Particularly with all that's going on in your life right now. This man isn't going to provide the support you need. Instead, he's acting selfishly and much like a vampire, he's sucking the joy away. It takes two to make things work dear and when you're the only one emotionally investing, it's not going to work no matter how hard you try and no matter what you do. So it's best to just try your best to accept that and move on and find your happiness and focus on yourself instead of worrying and wondering constantly what his next move's going to be. You'll be better off investing in yourself dear instead of him :-)

Barbara Star said...

Very much so . So true my anxiety level was out the Roof. Ewe had another argument bout divorce he said ok he will but i didnt find it sincere. Felt like he was being pushed by me. He made me promise last year to never bring it up again. So he is gone. For good.

Barbara Star said...

So he has packed his junk and gone for Good

Barbara Star said...

I love myself. Again. Im important. Im Wonderful.im pretty inside and out

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror - I know women are beautiful at every age but lets face it in the dating world-age does seem to matter to men because youthful appearance in a woman and the ability to reproduce matter to the majority of them and it seems as though the older a woman gets the less society and men in particular place a value on her-it sad and unfortunate but that's how it seems to go. Im 29 and I haven't told the guy im currently getting to know my age yet, I do look younger and I try to take care of myself but im a little bit insecure about revealing my age because I don't want him to diminish my value as a woman, be disappointed and go pursue someone younger... I know it sounds so ridiculous because you shouldn't allow a man to place any kind of value on you in the first place because you need to value yourself enough but sometimes its hard. I don't want him to wonder what's so wrong with me that im still single and haven't ever been married and why nobody has snatched me up yet if I am such a prize-any advice?what is the best response when men ask ''why is a girl like you still single''...? I do hate that question by the way from anybody! truth is I was always insecure and had self esteem issues even though other people always tell me im very pretty.That along with being shy and nervous around men and lacking confidence. I also never really grew up having that deep longing and desire to be married and have children-it always just seemed to be more trouble than it was worth and I think that perspective came from growing up in a dysfunctional home with two parents who ultimately divorced.
So as far as that why are you still single question what would be the best response?
and how do you not feel insecure about your age as you get older and your still in the dating pool and haven't met your match?
and finally how do you cope with feelings of resentment towards a guy who disappeared and then reappeared years later- and essentially wasted years when he could of been working on getting to know you and forge a relationship in your younger more youthful years. He returns when your older after he's missed out on so many important moments and events in your life-the moments that essentially define who you are. Even if he does end up being your soul mate you still feel that sense of disappointment and resentment that he missed out on so much of your life and you on his..precious wasted moments that you can never get back..but I read that people come into your life at exactly the right moment and when the timing is right. Do you believe this Mirror?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jul 7, 9:59 PM,
"lets face it in the dating world - age does seem to matter to men"

I disagree dear. Age matters to immature, shallow men who only value a woman's looks - not the full package that her wisdom brings to the table.

But real gentlemen - guess what? They actually PREFER mature women. Dating a 21 year old to them is sometimes torture if the woman is also very emotionally immature. I know many, many men dear - both young and old - who ONLY date older women. And the reasons they prefer them are varied and multiple:

1) Older women are more confident and less insecure than younger girls because they "settle" into their skin and their looks as they age.
2) Older women are more mature than young girls. They're not out running around on a Friday night fooling around in the bars and doing silly things.
3) Older women are established in life. Generally speaking, they bring things to the table that make them equals. Things like their own home/apt., a career and their own income, they have a greater sense of responsibility, they are well versed in social skills (like when meeting friends and family), they are generally more outgoing in the bedroom, and they don't have to hunt them down in the bars on weekends.
4) They are independent and can take care of themselves and lead independent lifestyles.

Just Google "why men love older women" and you'll see lots more.

"im a little bit insecure about revealing my age because I don't want him to diminish my value as a woman, be disappointed and go pursue someone younger"

Any man who is that completely shallow...isn't even worth dating anyway dear. So if he leaves based solely on your age alone - screw him - be happy he's gone because he would've been an immature pain in the butt anyway.

"I don't want him to wonder what's so wrong with me that im still single and haven't ever been married"

Honey, do you know what the median age women marry for the first time actually IS now? In the U.S. it's 27, up from 23 back in 1990, and up from 20 in 1960 - and steadily rising daily.

And do you know which women wait even longer? College educated women. Most are marrying well after the age of 30 now. Women without college degrees are more likely to have a child earlier in life and also marry earlier in life. But those go-getter women with a career and independence in mind - they don't end up in that group.

Women who drop out of high school on average have their first child at 20, married by 25. 80% of first births in that demographic are to unwed mothers. So any woman focused on career advancement that's college educated and independent - marrying AFTER 30 is NOT at all unusual these days but rather...the norm.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"what is the best response when men ask ''why is a girl like you still single''

Response, "I'm single by choice. I'm working on my career and my independence first, then family and marriage after I've established my goals. If an amazing man came along before that happened, I'd certainly be open to the idea of marriage. But until then, I'm staying focused on my goals."

"how do you not feel insecure about your age as you get older and your still in the dating pool and haven't met your match?"

I've been married dear and let me tell you - it's not always all it's cracked up to be. I've been divorced for 10 years and you know what? I've turned DOWN 2 marriage proposals in that time. I have my independence, my own home, I can do whatever I want whenever I want, I don't have to answer to anyone...I cannot even tell you how much I enjoy being single at 43.

When I think of marriage and relationships now, I get a feeling of dread LOL. Don't get me wrong, I'm not down on marriage...it's just that I'm not down on being single either. And the dread from the idea of marriage and relationships comes from the legalities that destroy your life when it doesn't work out. All that hard work you do to establish yourself and then BAM - you find out your husband has a mistress, he quits his job, leaves you, takes half of everything...and never looks back. And you're standing there cleaning up the mess he's left while he's out running around with someone new. Umm, no thanks - it's not all that appealing to me anymore to be quite honest.

"how do you cope with feelings of resentment towards a guy who disappeared and then reappeared years later- and essentially wasted years when he could of been working on getting to know you and forge a relationship in your younger more youthful years"

I can't relate to that dear. I'm not insecure about my age and I relish being single and being a mature, established 43 year old woman. Here's the thing honey...life is what you make it. If you want to focus on your age and the fact that you're not married, then that's your life. But...if you forget about what you don't have and focus on what you DO have...it's a very different story ya' know?

"He returns when your older after he's missed out on so many important moments and events in your life-the moments that essentially define who you are"

Those are YOUR moments, not his - so why is it necessary to have some man standing beside you while they're happening?


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Even if he does end up being your soul mate you still feel that sense of disappointment and resentment that he missed out on so much of your life and you on his..precious wasted moments that you can never get back"

Again, you're displaying a "glass half empty" negative outlook here dear. You are only 29. What's this guy missed, maybe ten years of your life? That's literally a miniscule 12% of your life. The average lifespan for a woman these days is 86 - which means there are 53 more years to enjoy. And mind you, they are much more important years than your 20's are. The things that happen in your 20's are nothing compared to the milestones later in life. Things like grandchildren, traveling, financial freedom or establishment - I can't think of one single larger than life even that happened to me in my 20's that compares to any of the milestones I've experienced later in life. They all seem so childish in comparison to me now.

"I read that people come into your life at exactly the right moment and when the timing is right. Do you believe this Mirror?"

Sort of...I believe that when YOU are ready to receive them and appreciate them - that's when the right person comes along :-)

Honey, you've got your entire life ahead of you. Seriously. As you get older, you'll look back on your 20's and have a good laugh - but that's about it LOL ;-)

You know how many times I look back at my 20's and wish I had waited LONGER to get married - so that I didn't make the foolish mistakes I made back then? If I knew then what I know now...I wouldn't have even thought about it till probably about 33-35 (instead of the very naive 26 I married at) - and I wouldn't have even given the man I DID marry - a second look.

At a very naive 26 years of age, he was enticing to me. But by 34 years old, I was racing to the attorney's office to divorce the immature asshole I foolishly married as fast as I could LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

thank you so much for your reply Mirror :) I guess I really just need to change my mindset and I have to remember that I told myself along time ago that I wanted my 20's to just be about me and not about a husband and children because although rewarding im sure they do constitute a lot of hard work, patience and commitment and your life focuses/priorities have to change. Its not just about you anymore. Or like my older married sister with kids says you're not 'foot loose and fancy free' (but i know she really wishes she could be sometimes). i do agree that men do see the advantages of being with an older woman but i think it's also important to be weary of the users who have an ulterior motive and whose main interests lie in what you have and what you can do for them rather than who you are and what you can offer as a woman.
i think my insecurity also lies in what his friends and family might think-im not that hot young chick anymore that would be the envy of all his guy friends but i guess i would rather not be that anyway. I would rather be the intellectual, independent mature woman who has it going on and has some real substance to her. I guess i just worry too much about what other people think and worry about the kind of questions that kind of put me on the spot and bring out my own insecurities such as why are you still single. But your response is perfect and i will remember that when asked-i figure even if i got dumped in the past by my asshole ex he doesn't need to know that! one thing i realized is that guys lie and over exaggerate the truth to make themselves look and sound better all the time and we as women should tell them whatever we want as well- a response that builds up our stock and value up in their eyes not brings us down.And your right nothing really monumental has happened for me or to me in my 20's but there were so many times when i did wish i had a good man by my side to see me through those happy times and help me through those rough patches and the fact that we crossed paths at one point earlier in time-well he could of been that man but he disappeared instead. And even though those experiences were all my own i think you connect with people when you share your life and your experiences with them and the relationship has a stronger chance to grow and manifest itself over time. So the fact that he just disappeared and then reappeared it does bother me but i suppose the timing wasn't right either and i would of driven him off because i was making a lot of mistakes with men (prior to finding your site) which has been a complete game changer for me and has completely opened by eyes.
I do feel good now about never having been married because i think if i was it would only be because i felt pressured and probably just settled and would be miserable. So i think i just need to relinquish this need to control everything and let go and allow a higher power to guide my life and allow things to unfold exactly the way they are meant to and just trust and believe it will all work out.
Thanks again Mirror-stay the beautiful, insightful woman that you are

Barbara Star said...

Thank u mirror. I look forward to a New relationship no hurry though.it Will come to me . I look forward to love. Its Wonderful. The next one however Will be unmarried and he have no love letters from his wife tucked away .LOL...no drugs. Just pure healthy love

Ann Edridge said...

Thank you for a wonderful website MoA...there is so much useful information here to learn.

I agree with what you say about totally focusing on family, home, husband etc. I have done that for many years and now my world has been turned upside down 2 years ago. My husband had a brain hemorrhage is now disabled and we no longer have a relationship and I am just his carer....all my kids are grown up doing their own thing. So all I have left is the home which I really no longer care about, as no-one else does. I spent nearly 18 months feeling worthless, helpless, lonely not knowing what to do.
Last year a man took interest in me and began to text me, I just replied as a friend would do when I could be bothered. However he persevered and earlier this year I agreed to meet him. Since then it has been a whirlwind of emotion. My self esteem has grown, I do feel more confident, and I have even reached out and got some new friends with who I can go have some fun with.
This being said, I am still cautious as from reading other posts on your site, he sometimes doesn't text etc, so I have now put into practice you NC advice, which so far is working :)
I am 52 and he 60 so we are not youngsters, but its all still a learning curve in this new age of technology.
Its so hard to get 'you' back after years of looking after others, but atm I am very slowly beginning to think it may be possible.
Thank you for all your advice.

pisces girl said...

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. 
If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t “be friends”. A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend. 

Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don’t stay because you think “it will get better.” You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. 

You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within. Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are. Even if he has has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. 

Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else’s man. If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending… Compromise is two way street. You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage… Deal with your issues before pursuing a new
relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE
individuals. Look for someone complimentary…
not supplementary. 

Dating is fun… Even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes… When a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him ~ he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother’s house. Never co-sign for a man. Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others. 

Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful: Dr. Phil says… You should know that: You’re the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he’ll miss out on a good thing. If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he’s not the only one. They’re all watching you, so you have a lot of choices. Make the right one. Ladies take care of your own hearts… 



oved reading this and thought I'd share it with you ladies its what Oprah had to say about men and relationships....

pisces girl said...

"If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay."
that really stuck with me because it couldn't be more true! and with that being said mr credentials called me yesterday this is after we had a few message exchanges over the weekend and me telling him I missed talking to him and him replying that he did too but that since my interest in him seemed to swing like a pendulum he couldn't take me seriously so he wished me well and said keep in touch(burn!)..but at least I said what I needed to say to him and told him why I wasn't too pleased with him and I also made sure to remind him that his credentials wouldn't keep his bed warm at night nor would they give him the kind of happiness he was looking for in the form of love and a family one day. Since he was not in his city he couldn't really reply and I thought he would of by Monday when he got back but he didn't so I ended up blocking him again on watsapp and I could tell he did the same so after that I basically wrote him off and was pretty bummed out but then.... he called me yesterday. I was surprised to hear from him! but pleasantly surprised..although he still maintained that I was at fault for cutting off communication without notice and I should be sorry about that. I did end up apologizing only because I feel that I should of at least let him know why I was upset and bothered because the reality is most men cant read minds and I do feel better that at least now he is in the loop and knows why and it wasn't just because I was trying to snub him or reject him it was due to HIS actions. He did say he wasn't going to give up after just a few calls which I appreciated because most guys would of. I know he's sensitive and takes any perceived slights very personally and to heart (cancer leo cusp) and I know he can be arrogant and have an inflated ego (leo) and act like a female (cancer) but for some reason I like this guy and I realized its his intelligence and spirituality which is so very hard to come by..but im being my same self and just sitting back and allowing him be a man and pursue if he chooses to do so and ill just take it one day at a time and see where things go. I agree that over communicating is definitely not a good idea with men but if im bothered by some thing (s) in the future im going to let him know right off the bat in a very direct yet calm way and if he doesn't take note and change his behavior or attitude or whatever it is then I will definitely be cutting communication again and it may be indefinitely

purenkool said...

I read all the MOM articles and her replies to posts to remind myself that all these simple truths stand firm.
I have to look hard at my own actions or reactions to a man treating me so-so, using No Contact as consequence, enforcing personal bounderies, setting men challenges to earn rewards (my attention).
I had to learn this the hardvway as romantic chaos usually leads to painful experiences. So as a gemini woman I keep learning, keep self-improving, keep getting more self aware. My value as a woman is great. Thank you MOM for giving us practical advice! This site gives moral support in a sea of confusion.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"...all these simple truths stand firm. I have to look hard at my own actions or reactions to a man treating me so-so, using No Contact as consequence, enforcing personal boundries, setting men challenges to earn rewards (my attention)."

That's absolutely right dear. No matter how much society changes or how much people would have you think dating has changed - the simple fact of the matter is that as human beings, our DNA has not. We are all still wired much the same as we were thousands of years ago. And if you want respect, man or woman, you have to respect YOURSELF first :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi mirror,

I have found dating rather disheartening lately - and I'm not sure if it has to do with online dating itself.

I just want to be nice, but almost every time that I am, I feel like the guy gets cocky and takes my attention for granted.

When I get fed up, I just disappear...and they panic and chase me down for weeks and months afterwards. One guy texted me (after months of no response), "Are you off with someone else?? :("

By nice I don't mean acting like a doormat or initiating. I make an effort to return calls, reply texts within hours, show interest in my messages, let them know if I am running late if we're meeting..

I have yet to be rewarded by this change in behavior.

When I go back to how I usually act - taking a long time to return calls, replying within 12-24 hours, showing more interest in talking about myself, not apologizing for being late - I have guys following me around like a puppy (this sounds wrong but that's how it feels).

I can spot a player a mile away (and often even the fake gentlemen kind after what went down with the Libra lawyer)... but it's disheartening to treat seemingly NICE nerdy guys well, then watch them slowly turn cocky, then start qualifying me like a normal player would do.

It's like me being nice turns guys into jerks.

What am I doing wrong? :-/ Should I try to meet guys elsewhere (not online)? Or take a long break?

- Vivian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Don't change your behavior. Men love a challenge and always will. It's a known fact that once you start to make yourself more available to a man, and you start to accommodate him more, he naturally begins doing LESS, and trying less. It becomes easy to be complacent, and without even knowing it, the reassurance causes the woman to be taken for granted. Hence the old saying, "keep em' on their toes" by playing hard to get.

Guys love a challenge dear - give them one ;-)

Anonymous said...

i truly appreciate this sound advice. I've been there before, doing, doing, doing, to be accepted by a man. I want to be appreciated and loved for who I am and by not what I do.,I see life in a whole new way now. Today is the new me. Again, I appreciate this wise counsel.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror—I love your articles. I wish I should have known about this site because as a grown woman in the dating arena, I am still finding it hard to let the guy I’m dating understand/respect my limits/boundaries with consequences. So, I was wondering with your vast experience and the knowledge that you have been sharing with other ladies on this site, hoping you could give me some suggestions/advice on my situation.
Situation: My guy and I have been dating exclusively for 8 month now. We have our up and down moments like every relationship. We both work different shifts, I’m mornings and he’s afternoons. Saturday thru Sunday/Monday morning he stayed over, he had mentioned to me that he’ll be coming back over Tuesday after work. So this morning I woke up to him not lying next to me. There was no missed call from him nor a text. So today when I talked to him, I expressed to him that I had missed him last night. He said he missed me too. To me, his response did not feel too genuine. Then he goes on to say that he’ll be coming over tonight. This is not the first time he said he’ll come over but doesn’t show or give a reason why he didn’t. I know he goes home from work and he only goes to the bar on Friday nights. He has very predictable patterns and plus he doesn’t have any friends. I don’t want to sound like a nag if I tell him how I felt about him not calling or sending me a text or something to let me know that he is not going to be able to make it. So, what would you suggest, any advice? How should I handle this? There has been times where he’ll make comments like he “runs this relationship”. I just giggle inside and say to myself oh you think so… Also, there was a point in our relationship where it felt one-sided, meaning that I was always going over to his place, but he’ll make an excuse not coming to mines. So I would stay at home, no call/texts, do my own thing. Then when he finally calls and asks me out, he’ll say that “I’m doing it all wrong”. Any idea?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 10, 9:17 PM,
"There has been times where he’ll make comments like he “runs this relationship”."

Runs the relationship? Why does he need to control it? A relationship is supposed to be a partnership, not a dictatorship. Sounds like there are control issues here.

"This is not the first time he said he’ll come over but doesn’t show or give a reason why he didn’t...I don’t want to sound like a nag if I tell him how I felt about him not calling or sending me a text or something to let me know that he is not going to be able to make it. So, what would you suggest."

I suggest not SAYING a word and the next time that happens - you take ACTION instead. He's "powering" over you here, so you need to level the playing field to make this more equal, so you don't get run over.

The next time this happens, you DON'T call him afterwards, and you DON'T take ANY calls from him either - for at least 3 days if not more. And you DON'T answer texts either - you don't make yourself available to him when he takes you for granted. That's his consequence - no access to you. It will signal to him that if he wants access to you, he has to treat you right and with courtesy, like a man who cares should want to do. The only time he gets access to you is when he treats you right. When he treats you poorly, you disappear and go silent - forcing him to REPEATEDLY reach out and APOLOGIZE before making yourself available to him again.

If he refuses to do so, then you stay silent and you put him to the test. If he doesn't pull through for you and do the right thing and treat you right and apologize to you...then this man isn't worth your time dear. And it will only further confirm my suspicions that there are control issues here at play. You're not asking the world of him - you're simply signaling that when he doesn't treat you right, he doesn't see/talk/hear from you again - until he does the right thing, and apologizes.

If he's a man who cares, this should come easy for him. If it doesn't - then you know he's not a man who cares enough to do the right thing and take your feelings into consideration :-(

Eva said...

MOA, could this apply to friendships, too? I have a situation and I hope you could advice me on what I should do, because it's absolutely frustrating and I want to move on with my life without appearing like a cold heartless bitch.

It concerns a childhood friend and we're each other's first love and best friend. We knew of our feelings for each other but didn't date because he moved away. We reconnected years later and decided to give it a shot, but he broke it off after the first week and disappeared for another few years. The rejection nearly destroyed me but it transformed me into someone stronger. He reappeared with a brand new girlie, and by that time I was on the path towards full recovery and decided to see it as a lesson in letting go. His excuse for showing up was, he wanted to "reconnect" and be friends like we were before, and at first I was hesitant but he chased me - gave me many missed calls and text messages - I thought he meant it and so I decided to give him another chance.

I thought we could be friends like before, but I feel like he's using me. I don't know how to explain it - it's just a gut feeling. He would send me flirty texts, some of them bearing the appearance of sexts, but I didn't want to read too much into it. He tells me he still finds me beautiful. Also, sometimes I feel like he's playing hard to get? Like, he would initiate a conversation and I would follow-up but he will disappear in the middle of it, and being the person who loves a good conversation, I feel so dissatisfied and respond almost like a desperate woman chasing after a man's attention. It was humiliating when I snapped out of it and realised how my behavior could be perceived that way.

He's a good friend in his own way, but I don't want to have a friendship that's like a cat-and-mouse game. He's not my boyfriend and I certainly don't want to enter into a relationship with him. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm the only one seeing this as a friendship. It's getting tedious now. I wonder whether I have devalued myself by giving him a chance and allowing him to treat me this way. My worry is of him crowing to his buddies about this girl (me) who is "chasing" after him, except I'm just trying to get him to finish the damn conversation FFS.

I know I could talk it out with him, but I decided against it because there's a good chance he would misinterpret it and feed his ego, and I won't give him the satisfaction. Do you think it's worth salvaging a friendship with an old friend, even when he's behaving this way?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"could this apply to friendships, too?"

Yes - it can apply to ALL relationships in life.

"Do you think it's worth salvaging a friendship with an old friend, even when he's behaving this way?"

Not if HE isn't investing into it as you are, and not if he makes you feel like he's using you for an ego boost and nothing more - that's not a friendship - and it's not fair and equally balanced. He's taking more than he's giving and he's taking advantage to an extent as well if "he would initiate a conversation and I would follow-up but he will disappear in the middle of it." Again, good friends don't treat their friends like that with regularity :-(

Anonymous said...

Happy new year mirror!

Thanks for your advice suggesting I be more of a challenge to guys. I usually am (when I don't give a sh#t), but when it comes to someone I like, it's really difficult (all rules fly out the door!).

After I ditched the free dating sites months ago since I was tired of guys who have no idea how to date properly - I was curious to join a paid site again to see if the guys were any different.

Sadly, it's not, LOL. The guys are slightly better - as in, I'm being asked out - but I'm blown away by how many guys are in a relationship and not revealing this in their profile (too damn easy to Google image search their picture and find their social profiles).

It's rare I find guys who are my physical type, but there's one nerdy German guy I've been attracted to.

But... within the past week I have found out:
- he lied about his age (stated age is 40, but on another website he's 42)
- he lied about his name; his real name sounds German, but he gave me a common name like Mike
- he co-owns (or perhaps just works) with another woman who owns a photography studio (my gut feeling is that they're in a relationship); in some of their bios they're referenced as a "photographer couple"
- in 2010, there was some family law proceeding record I found between him and another woman. Don't know if it was a marriage or divorce. They also co-owned a business together (seems like a pattern!).

After all this sleuthing, I tried to test him... I said I noticed there were a high % of men who were in open relationships or looking for something discreet on the site. If he wasn't, we could talk. If not, I wished him luck.

He replied laughing, "haha happy new year to you as well" and he said it sounded like I didn't have a good experience.

He did not reassure me he was single, nor did he say anything about his relationship status.

I was ticked off, because I was trying to confirm whether he was single or not - but I guess I shouldn't expect a guy to spill this information unless asked directly - ie "ARE YOU 100% SINGLE?!?". Even then, he might not in order to keep his sexual options opened.

He also told me the city he lived in and the area he worked - and then asked me where I lived (he explained it was because he wanted to know where would be a good place for us to meet).

Mirror, based on what I've told you - if you were me, would you go out with this guy?

Please talk me down if this is a horrible idea!! I realize I have the blinders on when I get sucked into the attraction...

- Vivian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I wouldn't waste my time dear and here's why:

"he lied about his age. . .he lied about his name"

If a man is on a dating site and keeping the basic facts about himself a secret, like his age and name, do you know why they do that?

Because they have no intention whatsoever of ever entering into a relationship with someone from the site. You do not provide a false name, date someone for weeks, then reveal who you truly are - and expect that to lead somewhere positive.

Additionally, this is done so that when someone sits down and searches that site (say, another woman looking for him), upon a search - zero results would be provided - because the name and age are incorrect.

Bottom line - if you're keeping your identity a secret. . .then you are not dating seriously. Instead, you are looking to pull the wool over someone's eyes and fool them, so you can disappear off into the ether and this person can never find you in real life :-(

Anonymous said...

@ Vivian, I just wanted to add that I'm impressed with your 'sleuthing' :) . Good job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...


"if you're keeping your identity a secret. . .then you are not dating seriously"

*Nods*, true. There's one guy who I talked to for about a month last year but stopped after I felt he was a bit immature, who I now track on a different site...and you know what he does? He changes his age almost every couple of days.

Not by much, but some days he's 31 some days he's 35...and today, he felt like he was 32. Well no surprise, he's a libra, LOL.

Oh and mirror, wanted to ask you... what rules apply to developing a relationship with a male mentor?

Years ago I was involved with a guy in a different state who mentored me (we met at a party, not a professional event)...in the beginning I initiated nearly all our communications as I was asking for his help (the guy retired at 35 - I wanted to know all his secrets) so that seemed normal to me.

When it turned romantic (we were both newly single), I naturally continued the initiator role... because I had been doing it all along. (Btw, did not end well.)

Looking back - based on what I've learned on your site - I would have pulled back, and let him come to me. But...wouldn't it be hard for roles to reverse when things turn romantic - especially if I initiated mostly in the beginning?

I'm in another mentor-mentee relationship (beginning stages)... and our similar personalities and energy is starting to make me aware of the possibility of something sparking up between us (we are also both single).

I don't know if it's ok to initiate now (say if he asks me to e-mail him or call him on skype)...but if it ever turns romantic... will things fall naturally into place when I pull back and be submissive? Or will he think I'm game playing because I have been proactive this entire time.

Thanks for all your help!

- Vivian

Anonymous said...

Thanks @Mary! I've been really careful after since I had a real life stalker (that I met online) when I was 13, so I've had a lot of time to hone my sleuthing skills over the years. Always Google image search a guy's pics and double check on Tineye.com. ;)

- Vivian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"wouldn't it be hard for roles to reverse when things turn romantic - especially if I initiated mostly in the beginning?"

That's why I warn against women starting things off by taking on the masculine role (leader, initiator), and instead, suggest that they always remain in their feminine role (submissive to the lead).

"I don't know if it's ok to initiate now"

It's never really okay to initiate if the man has never asked you for a commitment. Because at that point you're still casually dating and the man should be pursuing you until he asks for that, and even once you're in a committed relationship, I still suggest letting the man be the man for the most part.

"will things fall naturally into place when I pull back and be submissive?"

Not if you start things by taking the masculine role. A woman should only be slipping back and forth from a masculine role to a feminine role in her career if necessary - but not her personal life. Men are attracted to feminine energy. If they were attracted to masculine energy, they'd switch teams ;-)

"will he think I'm game playing because I have been proactive this entire time"

Being proactive in dating as a woman only requires a "yes" or "no" - it does NOT require any leading (masculine) actions. The man should always be leading (masculine) and the woman's role (submissive) is simply only to decide whether or not to submit to his lead.

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