"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

Predator or Prey: Your Dating Landscape

By now, you’ve probably all heard the phrase “predator versus prey.” It’s a concept that exists within the wilds of Mother Nature’s landscape – and it’s also a dynamic that exists in the wilds of the dating landscape.

Predators eat things; prey is devoured. The concept is simple enough.

So why is this a crucial concept for both men and women to understand when dating? Because each gender approaches dating from one of these two very different perspectives – you’re either the predator or you’re the prey. And guess which is which?

You guessed it, men are generally the hunters and women are generally the prey. And for this very reason, it seems many times as if men are able to enjoy dating much more than women tend to. Men generally seem to find dating enjoyable, much like a sport or competition, while women generally tend to find dating stressful, uncertain and risky.

For men, the outcome is a conquest, a prize, a win. Sounds like fun, right? For women, the outcome can tend to be that of possibly being devoured, becoming the prize and suffering a loss. Not so fun, huh? This is why many men generally tend to be more confident of their success when dating while lots of women generally tend to be less confident of success and more fearful – it’s the landscape that each is facing.

When dating, it is very important – correct that – it is imperative that each gender form a proper understanding of the other. And in order to form this understanding of one another, you need to realize the reality of the perspective that each is approaching dating with.

It is crucial that each understand what the others “dating landscape” looks like.

Predator or Prey: What Does Your Dating Landscape Look Like?

To have a bit of fun and create a visual perspective of the landscape of each, I might imagine that the dating landscape for man would generally look somewhat like a football field with a big trophy calling their name and beckoning them forward.

For women, I might imagine that their dating landscape would generally look somewhat like the Black Forest, thick and dark, hard to navigate, fraught with danger and perils at every turn, with the only thing calling their name being the safe haven of a cave and warm fire.

Look at the image above – notice the vast difference of each landscape?

I believe it is this very dynamic, this misunderstanding of what the other is facing on their landscape, that causes a good deal of the relationship and dating heartaches we all experience at the hands of others. Men do not understand the risk that dating poses to women and women fail to recognize the fun and competition that dating poses to men.

When a woman is repeatedly devoured emotionally on her dating landscape, the very concept of dating can become associated with negativity and stress rather than enjoyment. And when men repeatedly successfully score wins out on their dating landscape, the very concept of dating can become associated with sport and gaming.

A man’s successful conquests can fuel a strong desire for more faster; while a woman’s unsuccessful losses can tend to fuel confusion and heightened anxiety.

Predator or Prey, Risk Versus Reward: Take a Walk on the Other’s Wild Side

I believe it helps to understand what the other is facing and to gain that understanding, you need to walk a mile in the others shoes. Men, you need to take a walk on the wild side and ladies, you need to sit back, relax and enjoy the competition.


I really don’t think that many men can fully grasp exactly what a woman faces when she steps out onto the dating landscape. But I think that’s only because many men probably don’t take the time to even consider the concept let alone grasp the reality of that environment. Let’s face it, men generally are not the prey in life, but rather are the hunter - and that causes a huge shift in perception. And it’s this lack of understanding that causes men to label women as “crazy” or to throw out the good old standbys, “you think too much” or “you worry too much.”

Women are not wired to be “crazy” guys - they are wired to be “cautious.” And that caution creates the need for questions that require answers - so she may weigh the “risk” involved because she’s the prey. This is primal wiring due to the fact that not only is she the prey, but the risk for her is three-fold:

1) She can be devoured (emotionally).

2) She can become pregnant (physically).

3) She risks catching or coming into contact with infectious diseases that men carry but do not always experience symptoms from, that can render a woman sterile (Chlamydia) or leave her with cancer (via HPV exposure) years later (please, please, please always wrap it up guys).

A woman risks a lot more than a man when mating – she literally puts her life in danger (cancer via HPV exposure) and she risks becoming pregnant, both of which require an increased need for caution. As a result, “women are better at judging risk while men are better at ignoring it.” A statement made and a topic discussed in the book, “Top Dog: The Science of Winning and Losing” by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman.

The closest thing I can compare it to, guys, would be to think of any experience you may have possibly had with a “crazy lady” for lack of a better term. She scared you, didn’t she? The feeling of someone watching you, watching your every move, someone wanting to swallow you up and devour you; the feeling of seeking a safe haven for solace; the feeling of uncertainty, “What is she going to do next?” The feeling of not knowing yourself what to do next, “Should I run, should I stay; should I give her a chance or just walk away before she eats me up or even worse yet – devours me?” “Is she going to hurt me physically?” (Think Lorena Bobbit or Jodi Arias guys.)

You see, in the above scenario – you’re the prey – and you’ve got this fleeting feeling that there’s a possibility you could be devoured and/or harmed. So now you’re confused, scared and possibly unsure of what to do next. That’s what dating in general can tend to be, and feel like, to women, guys.

Can you imagine that? Can you imagine how uncomfortable, uncertain and scary that can be?


Just as I believe it’s difficult for men to fully grasp exactly what a woman faces when she steps onto her dating landscape, I equally feel that it’s difficult for women to grasp exactly what men face on theirs as well. And it’s this lack of understanding that causes a woman to ask questions like, “Why did he do this?” Or, “Is this a game, why would he be playing a game with me?” Or, “Why does he think this is funny?”

The reason for this, ladies, is that men tend to approach dating a bit like a sport or competition of some sort. And as we all know, sport and competition, many times, involves fun, good times, enjoyment, achievement – and adoration.

Men are not approaching dating this way out of malice, they’re primally wired to approach it this way, as a hunter and as a sport where something is to be gained and a potential prize awaits them as well as possibly glory and adoration – resulting in increased overall status.

This is the reason that men tend to not take every little thing quite as seriously as women. They do not face as much risk, but rather, they face more rewards – the rewards outweigh the risk. And since rewards outweigh risk, it becomes a bit more of an enjoyable experience, one that is able to be approached with much less caution and much more enthusiasm.

Ladies, it is very important that you realize that when your man shrugs you off about something that is extremely important to you, he may not be doing it out of malice; he may be doing it because he simply cannot grasp your need to ask or address the issue in the first place. He’s not required or wired to weigh “risk” in the manner that you are. (Note my earlier mention of the book, “Top Dog: The Science of Winning and Losing” by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman where the authors state that “women are better at judging risk while men are better at ignoring it.”)

As a result, he doesn’t understand why what you’re questioning is even important in the first place. His brain deems the information as “useless” to the big picture and therefore, shrugs off the question as meaningless and unnecessary.

And when you push for that answer, he’s wired to minimize your need for a response because to him, it looks as if you’re taking something fun and turning it into something unenjoyable. He doesn’t realize that what you’re actually attempting to do is take something somewhat possibly unenjoyable and possibly uncomfortable for yourself and make it more fun – by asking him to reduce your risk via providing you with an answer.



This concept above of predator versus prey and risk versus reward is why it is so very important to be willing to prove yourself to a woman when dating.

A woman is risking a lot when dating you, so it would serve you well to do your best to be a gentleman and a leader that leads by providing strength, reassurance, support and open lines of communication to her. Anything short of that and you’re going to ultimately disappoint the woman you’re dating.

Once you’ve won your trophy guys, protect it by enclosing it into an airtight case for safe keeping.


This is why it is so very important to guard yourself by making a man prove himself to you when dating. You are risking the very fabric of your emotional being when making an investment, not to mention your very health when entering into a sexual relationship as well as your future, should a pregnancy occur.

If a man isn’t willing to prove himself to you when dating, then you need to be strong enough to walk away from that man. You need a leader that will protect you, safeguard you emotionally and have your best interests at heart. Anything short of that and you will ultimately find yourself disappointed and confused.

Once you’ve become the trophy, demand a safe cave and a warm fire for yourself.

* * * *

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Predator or Prey: Your Dating Landscape by Mirror of Aphrodite is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. (No modifications/derivitives, no commercial use.)

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Anonymous said...

Great article Mirror. You have explained some bits in a unique way that I hadn't thought of. Just how you manage to be unique with your take on elements of the personality compared to other experts, I will never know!!!!

That whole line about women being crazy because they are preying on a man who isn't answering questions, but the man thinks she is crazy, was brilliant!


Anonymous said...

Fantastic article. As someone who's been out of the irl dating "scene" for several years (by choice), you nailed why the whole prospect of dating can be so terrifying for a woman. I'm interested in maybe dating again soon and meeting someone nice, but I really am scared of being emotionally devoured again. I mean, if it happens, I know that after a while I would be able to pick myself up, dust myself off, and resume life again. But the whole thing really does seem like the dark forest pictured in the article. I feel like I have so much love to give someone, but I don't even know where to start. I'm going to try to be super-observant and wait for a man who can be a leader and safeguard me emotionally like you say above.


Anonymous said...

A fantastic article! I wish men read it too!

Anonymous said...

"A fantastic article! I wish men read it too!"

Yes I was tempted to send it to my ex and there are elements of genius insight in it that he would learn a lot from! Big time. But he may cut and paste the article into google and find this site and I've written TONNES to Mirror in the comments sections and I'd DIE if he saw it and realised I was talking about us two!!! So unfortunately I can't give it to him in it's current format.

Anonymous said...

Great article and timely for me. I'm in the process of feeling like a man is pursuing me just for one thing only. He says he wants me to 'ease up' and he's pushy and seeing things from his angle only. Sheesh. It's all a game to him. He's not proving himself to me at all. I'm hoping I can be strong enough to just walk away. I think its the only answer.

Unknown said...

Its a Fantastic Article..

Dubem Sandra said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Feel free to leave it in the comments here and use the "anonymous" function if you like. In the dropdown, just click "anonymous". .

Anonymous said...

I have this friend, a guy, whom I've known for quite some time now.. We used to be just friends, we hang out, talk, laugh and play.. After a while, we got so fond of each other..he told me he's gotten so used to me n he was falling in love with me and all but that he had a gf and loved her too.. He complained about how he's never loved two people at the same time and didn't know what to do about it.. I dint know what to say or do either and I admitted that I've fallen inlove with him too but I didn't want to be the reason why he would break up with his gf.. Later, he and his gf had a misunderstanding and they broke up, he told me about it n said he would like me to be his new girl..I was happy but it wasn't really official yet, then two days later after that, I found out that he n his gf were back.. He told me that she called n apologised to him n they got back.. I felt really bad but I kept my cool n still hung around..cos we are really good friends.. Then, he travelled and stayed away for two months, when he came back he told me that his gf broke up with him..and that he's never gon trust any girl and doesn't want to get in a relationship any time soon or maybe ever.. He said his past relationship has changed his whole view about women n relationships n he can't ever give his all in a relationship again.. Again, I felt bad cos I've been waiting around for him, & I truly love him.. He told me that he still loves me but is scared of taking the next step. Sometimes, he'll get so emotional and ask me some questions like "can u marry me?", "why do you love me?" n all..giving me mixed signals n everything.. Sometimes again, he'll act distant.. We've kissed a couple of times n made out only once some few weeks ago.. And, sometimes he acts like he's jealous when I'm with my male friends n sometimes he'll try to pull my legs n make me jealous too.. He said he doesn't want a relationship anymore but I told him how much I love him.. And he said that he feels the same way about me too but that he doesn't want to go through what he's been through with his exes n he that if he's ever going to get into a r/ship that it's not gon be any time soon.. I said ok and I've been just there, being his friend and waiting around for him to think through and atleast get past his recent breakup.. Sometimes, he'll be calling me on phone everytime, checking up on me and wanting to know how every bit of my day went..he'd sometimes complain of being ill and if I maybe forget to ask how he's faring he'll kinda get vexed and start giving me attitude and accusing me of not caring and not being romantic..and then he'll start blabbing about how he's with some other girl and getting the treat of his life at that moment obviously to piss me off and get me jealous but I know that it's all a stunt so, I just laught at him.. Then recently, just a week ago, we were chatting cos he's out of town at the moment and he told me he wanted to make love to me.. I said "NO", and he asked "why?" I told him that I cannot do anything that intimate with someone I'm not dating and based on the fact that I'm a virgin I wouldn't have my first time be something like a fling or casual sex.. I asked him what he really wanted from me and he said he just wanted a "no-strings attached, FWB relationship".. I was really hurt by that, and we haven't contacted each other since then( a week now). I really love this guy with all my being.. How do I make him want something more serious than that? I need your help and candid advice :(..

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous July 12, 3:00PM,
You cannot make him want more than that. You cannot control other people dear - the only thing you can control is your reaction to them. You cannot make them love you and you cannot make them want to be in a relationship with you.

You've already wasted a lot of time waiting around on this man and if you're doing that because you think he's going to change, you could be waiting YEARS for that to happen. When he tells you he only wants FWB, then you accept that - and move on. Do not delude yourself into thinking that he'll wake up one day and want the same thing you want.

Remember: This man was cheating on his girlfriend with you in a sense - he was having an emotional relationship with you while he was with someone else.

Not a good sign dear, big red flag. If a man will cheat WITH you, he'll cheat ON you. And this man had no problem falling in love with another woman while he was in a committed relationship.

Not good, not good at all and not a man that is "relationship material." If you were in a relationship with this man and you found out he was in love with another woman, I'm quite sure that'd hurt tremendously. And I imagine his philandering is the reason his GF ultimately broke up with him. I imagine she sensed he was not truly committed to her and it caused problems.

You need to see this man clearly for who he is dear - a cheat looking for a FWB situation (sex) from a woman.

My suggestion would be to cut your losses dear and move on as best you can. Don't wait around on a man, keep your life moving forward. And don't expect a cheat that is seeking free sex (FWB) to turn into Prince Charming because that's not likely to happen dear :-(

Spare yourself any future agony of dating this man and find yourself a man that wants what you want - a committed relationship - and a man that's actually able to have one. .and you'll find happiness :-)

Anonymous said...

Question: First of all, I want to say how much I love your forum and it has really shed some light on men and women and how different they are. I am currently in broken relationship and all I want back is the man I met. Tell me if you think that's possible??? I had been dating this guy for around 6 months and everything was going great then we had our first argument. I thought he was punishing me by not coming over one night and I told him to never call me again in the heat of anger, well we didn't speak the next day, but that following day, which was Monday we did and he was of course, upset with me and the conversation didn't last long at all. That whole week was terrible infact, he didn't call me on his lunches or breaks, only on his way onto work and home. We didn't see each other for days and he broke up with me in the process of all this and said some pretty malice stuff, stuff you could never take back. Ever since that night things have never been quite the same, he said something in him snapped and his feelings for me aren't as strong and so another week or so went by and he broke it off with me again and at first I texted him and called and he didn't respond, so I let it go, 3 days later with no contact in any fashion, he contacts me via text and I ignore it for a few hours and we chat only about the weather,just light-hearted conversation and then he calls the next day and he tells me that what I had done really hurt him, that you couldn't say that to someone you love, that it made him bitter, but us not talking didn't feel right either. Said he missed me, wanted things to go back how they did when we first met and that he was sorry for things he said. I thought things were going in the right direction cause I left him alone (NCR) and let him contact me. Well, 2 days later we start talking and I realize we were on 2 different pages. I thought we were going back to how we were in the beginning and he said he got back me with to see if those strong feelings would come back, but as of now, they weren't there and didn't know if they ever would. So, basically I stay and get hurt again... I guess he was telling me he had fallen out of love with me. Insight on this man-He is 30 and still lives at home and is truly a love virgin, meaning he hasn't has many relationships at all. He is a hard worker and was very good to me in the beginning but that man never came back after our argument. Needless to say, we haven't spoken in 4 days and I'm dying inside. I let him in, I fell in love with him. Do you think we can get this back or is this hopeless? Advice please!!!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous July 15, 4:17PM,
At this point, he sees this as over. As a result of that, I suggest that you give him exactly what he's asked for - your absence as a result of his decision. When a man breaks up with you, whatever the reason, you don't plead and try harder. Instead, you step back and give them exactly what they've asked for:


Additionally, your absence will help him realize his feelings for you, if they are genuinely there. But this absence means no contact and no response - for 30 full days:


He doesn't hear a peep from you or receive one response until after 30 days - a psychological time frame necessary for any latent feelings to surface. Any contact during that period will hinder him from experiencing any feelings that may be there.

Men experience feelings, they "feel" things, during absence unlike women who "feel" things during togetherness. So when a man asks for space, you give it to him and you let him experience the absence fully - so that he has plenty of time and space to "feel" anything that may be there.

Anonymous said...

Why 30 days? That seems like such a long time! What if he calls or texts during this time frame and I ignore it and he thinks I'm not interested anymore and gives up??? I just don't understand how a man feelings can change over a argument. Can you shed some light on that?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

The 30 day time frame is a psychological time frame necessary for someone to miss you and long for you. Ever notice that men who disappear without warning generally resurface around that 30 day mark?

It's because that's approximately how long it takes to experience a "loss" and a true "end."

If you're not "gone" (completely unavailable) they can't miss you or long for you. If you don't stay "gone" for a significant amount of time, they don't experience a "loss" and an "end" that jump starts the psychological process of exploring their inner feelings for you.

Because men "feel" during absence, unlike women who "feel" during encounters. Which is why men pull back and ask for space - they do that to see if they "feel" anything for you when they're absent from you. And if you want a man to experience any feelings he may have for you - you must give him a significant length of time to discover that.

If you make yourself available to him during this time frame, the process of longing and experiencing an "end" with you will NOT set in - because you're hanging on and making yourself available to him. As a result, he's never going to be forced to explore any latent feelings he may have within himself for you.

If you live your life in fear, fearing that you can't do certain things because someone will leave you - you're not going to achieve success dear. Because fear will never be the path to success. Instead, you must be confident and secure in yourself and your worth and your value to a man - and you must show this through your ACTIONS.

Trust me, men find strong, confident women who don't accept poor treatment and stand their ground and make men rise to the challenge - very, very enticing and attractive.

They don't find fear, insecurity, being clingy and highly emotional, and being "too nice" - attractive.

Men like a challenge, which is why they have a deep love of sports and competition. Give them a challenge and they admire that. Roll over and play dead, and they'll walk.

"What if he calls or texts during this time frame and I ignore it and he thinks I'm not interested anymore and gives up?"

Then you've got your answer - he's NOT genuinely interested. Because genuinely interested men fight for what they want, they pursue it and they rise to the challenge (which they happen to enjoy very much as it's similar to "competition" which men very much enjoy.)

Here's an in-depth explanation of how no contact can work - for YOU (it's not necessarily about HIM):


"I just don't understand how a man feelings can change over a argument. Can you shed some light on that?"

Anyone's feelings can change during an argument because that's when "true self" emerges. And it can destroy someone's overall impression of the other, which then discourages them from moving forward.

Anonymous said...

What is the success rate of this? When the man breaks up with you?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

There is no firm statistical research that I'm aware of on the matter, however, we did conduct our own little poll on a post here a while back and discovered that approximately 90% of all men - come back, regardless of who did what.

And many women on this post have and are experiencing reappearing men:


Some a month later, some several months later and one just recently reported one resurfacing a YEAR later.

At some point, the majority of men return.

Women hold the power dear (you have what they want, the va-gi-gi ;-) - even though many women do not understand how to properly wield it.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for alwyays getting back to me. This is absolutely killing me as you can see... so one more question. I see your big on horoscopes. He is a scorpio and I've read once you cross them or make them mad, they are done. What all do you know about them? seen with these statisitcs of women who dated them and them returning? I really do love this man and I know he loved me at one time. I am loyal person and stand by the people I love through thick and thin.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I have never studied who returns as to regards of their sign. However, Scorpio's are a Water sign and in astrology, Water = Emotion. And generally, an abundance of it. And there are all kinds of emotions - anger, fear, love, kindness, frustration, sympathy, empathy, etc. Scorpio's can be all over the board sometimes as a result and can swing from experiencing one emotion to the next quite quickly.

Additionally, they're a "fixed" sign, meaning, rarely budge - on their emotions. Once they've settled into them and their mindset, it will take another emotion to come along and bump that one out of place. "Still waters run deep" heavily applies to Scorpio as their emotions are deep and powerful with an ability to affect all of those around them by creating a shift in atmosphere.

As well they are extremists, meaning, it's either black or white - rarely ever gray. Happy or sad - rarely ever between. Their intensity of emotion tends to create "obsessive" patterns of behavior which can either lead to incredible bouts of creativity or extreme destruction.

Many folks believe there are 3 phases to the Scorpio's life - the phoenix, the scorpion and the eagle. The phoenix regenerates, the scorpion is treated with caution and the eagle that is transformed and free of emotional complexities.

Scorpions feel everything deeply and life is very serious to them, almost viewed as a constant struggle of sorts and with high intensity. Scorpio seeks emotional truth and can be brutal about it delivering it.

This is how your Scorpio is most likely experiencing this right now - intensely. And if he genuinely cares for you, once the intensity subsides, he'll experience those feelings and he may seek you out.

Anonymous said...

Ok, Mirror of Aphrodite, I know I'm messaging you like crazy, but your forum and advice is keeping my sanity intact right now. He called last night and I didn't answer it. It took EVERY fiber of my being not to. I got to thinking about the 30 day NCR and when thinking about my breakups in the past, if I was done and done the breaking up, then I was happy to not hear from that person. Do you think it's different for women and men when it comes to that, since you say men want what they can't have? Why do you think he plays the stunts of not calling for 3-4 days, then calling again, then disappears again. It's confusing the crap out of me!!! After the 30 days do I contact him or do let him contact me? what is the best plan of action there???

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well, you're free to do as you please here. But my suggestion would be after the 30 days, don't reach out. The point of this is to "filter" him - to qualify him in a sense as to whether or not he's worth your time - whether or not he's even "dateable" material. Because not all men are dear and not all men are "relationship ready" material either. And through NC, you learn this, you learn the man's true intention - genuinely interested or not?

If you "qualify" men dear, you do not go through this when dating - because you only date "dateable and relationship ready" men. And the only way you can find out their true intentions, is to see if they properly pursue you with consistent signs of interest and a willingness to work at this - instead of YOU carrying the sole burden of moving this relationship along on your shoulders. It takes two - so dump some of that responsibility back on him and make him prove himself worthy to you, make him put a bit of effort into it and work for it. People tend to value things they work for more than things that fall into their lap. Which leads me to my next point - one of the 9 Laws of Persuasion - the Law of Scarcity.

"you say men want what they can't have?"

Not just men dear - everyone. And he's pulling this on YOU right now as we speak with this behavior. . .

"he plays the stunts of not calling for 3-4 days, then calling again, then disappears again."

Men are instinctually aware of this law and use it when dating regularly. It's a psychological persuasion tactic that creates attraction. It's a scientific fact that "uncertainty" heightens attraction:


It's also a fact that people want what they can't have, both men and women, and that's why merchants and retailers use this tactic regularly in marketing as well. Ever notice around the holidays that the latest new gadget is in SCARCE supply? Why? Because retailers and manufacturers are aware of the Law of Scarcity. And they know that the harder folks have to work for something, the more they value it when they receive it. And they know that the more you "long" for the item, the more you'll work to get it.

Here's an example of a economic use as well as relationship use of the Law of Scarcity:


And here's the psychology behind it:


Once you've read those links above, you will gain a greater understanding of the Law of Scarcity and the use of "uncertainty" when it comes to dating. And you will also have an epiphany about how this is being used on YOU right now as we speak.

Cont. .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

And through NC, you take your power back, you level the playing field fairly for both of you (you balance the power in the relationship), and you create this "uncertainty" in HIM and you remain SCARCE (unavailable) to HIM.

And you give this psychological tactic plenty of time to germinate and grown in his mind until which point, HE becomes confused, HE becomes uncertain, HE grows respect for you (and realizes that poor treatment is NOT the way to your heart), HE finds himself MORE attracted to YOU and HE works harder at winning you over as a result.

Have faith in yourself dear. You have more power than you know - you just need to understand how to properly wield it and how to properly balance out the playing field to look out for yourself.

And in the meantime, don't let his behavior confuse you - he's using these tactics himself on you. So read ALL OF THOSE LINKS I provided and put your mind to rest :-)

And once the 30 days is up, don't reach out. Put him to the test and let HIM come to YOU.

If you do this, you will feel empowered, grow your confidence and your self-esteem and you'll learn how to properly protect yourself and how to properly filter men before investing/wasting your time and attention on them. Only those worthy, ready and willing get your time and attention.

And as hard as it was to ignore him yesterday, I'm sure if you sit down with yourself and have a long talk with yourself - you'll discover that somewhere deep down inside, you feel better for having done that. You feel stronger, more confident, more valuable - and that will only continue to grow :-)

If you carry and portray yourself as something valuable, as something worthwhile, as something worthy and as a prize - others will react accordingly and treat you as the same.

Because people can only treat us as poorly as we'll permit them to.

Anonymous said...

Hello There,
I checked in a few days ago on another post but didn't go into detail about my situation, I met a guy that lives in another country on a social networking site, at first things where fun, but as soon as we both revealed we liked eachother, he became distant even with text. I pulled him on this the first time with compassion hoping he might change his tune, since he didnt i naturally started to pull only recently, of course the more i pulled away the more he came to me. It was great to see this happening, but then I sensed him pull away again when we arranged to have a chat a day we schedualed for, of course by this stage I got so angry of the rollercoaster ride I let him have it, Im on the brink of ditching him. The thing is I will be visiting him soon in his enviroment whilst staying with family and friends, and somehow im wondering if i should just back off completely till i see him, i just have an off feeling that even though he changed his tune through our last talk, that i might of made him further distant, Im actually over being his doormat, I dont know what to do.It seems like the rship is only one way, my feelings are not important.
Any advise would be so appreciative, this is also LDR kinda so I guess its more complex, I thank you in adnvance.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Ms SP,
Yes, it's definitely time to pull back further. DO NOT make yourself available to this man. When he calls, don't jump on that call. Make him try to reach you a few times first. Same with texts. If YOU are planning on visiting HIM, instead of HIM coming to visit YOU, then he needs to prove to you that he's worth it and that he's genuinely interested FIRST. Otherwise, this is a waste of time that may fizzle away into a painful disaster of a trip.

To be honest, at this point if I were you, I'd seriously be reconsidering making that trip.

When a man starts behaving like this, it's not a good sign, as you know. Combine that with the fact that after feelings were revealed, he pulled away. This signals he may be emotionally unavailable or just plan not "ready" - not relationship material.

"It seems like the rship is only one way, my feelings are not important."

Then you need to balance that out to make things fair and to protect yourself here. If your feelings are not important to him, then don't make him your priority. Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option.

Peter said...

@Ms SP,

I know you say your situation is complex but to a degree the same rules apply. Most of all the basic concept of men doing the pursuing of women.

He shoud be coming to you in your environment and proving himself there before you do anything else. Take it from me if this guy had genuine interest he would do that regardless of distance or difficulty.If he were interested then there would be no distance or difficulty getting to you..thats the point.

Beofre you consider anythign further though just look at how he makes you feel and his actions after you both revealed feelings. Do you want a man that makes you feel like his "door mat"? Do you want a man to act like that when he finds out how you feel or do you want him to show some mature masculine strength about the situation?

"It seems like the rship is only one way, my feelings are not important."

If this is how you how you feel then I would seriously think about letting this man go.

Everything you told me about this man from my point of view as a man makes me feel that he wont be worth a trip.

Make him come to you and pursue you. Don't deviate from that course of action. It will tell you everything you need to know.

Anonymous said...

Mirror Aphrodite, last time we spoke was Friday & you told me to avoid contact at all costs till the 30 days well he texted me tonight & said I hope you're doing ok... What does that mean? Is he testing the waters? If he is done, as you said why still keep contacting me here or there? I didn't answer btw. It has been 5 days since we last spoke via phone or text. Tell me your thoughts please...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous July 21, 10:30PM,
Don't try to read into every little thing he does dear or you'll drive yourself mad. Just sit tight for the next 30 days and let HIM work at this ;-)

Anonymous said...

I'm actually getting stronger by not having any contact with him. I just wanted your opinion on if that message he sent meant nothing or that you think his heart was still in it. You seem to know your stuff so, I wanted to know your thoughts on that. I'm definately going to make him work, since he is the one who put us here...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I just wanted your opinion on if that message he sent meant nothing or that you think his heart was still in it."

Well, that's the point of no contact over an extended period of time dear. You see, you're looking for consistency here and continued efforts. So you can't look at a "single" event and attempt to glean anything from it because it's consistency and continued effort and ACTIONS by him over a long length of time that tell the tale - that will prove if he's genuine and if his heart's in it.

If he does this consistently over the next four weeks and then amps up his efforts to reach you, then yes, there's a good chance he's "in it."

If he makes a few lame attempts sporadically here and there and then just disappears, there's a good chance he's not.

And only time will tell you that :-)

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror, this is Ms SP, Im just checking in to say thank you for your time and support, I know it's still early, but im just weighing up his consistecies, so far believe it or not his communicating daily, seems like he is making an effort and opening up a fraction more. Not sure if grilling him made him sit up? I guess I can only way how things will turn out by the time I get there, I still plan on visitng, not because of him, but I have family there, so if he continues to behave I will also make an effort to see him if he continues with the effort.
If there is anything else you think is of importance, happy to hear, but im very thankful for your time thus far.

Emma Durakovic said...

hello. this was a very interesting tips. I was wondering if there is any books to read about man and women relationship?

Anonymous said...

So if the rewards outweigh the risks for men, and the risks outweigh the rewards for women, why should women want to date men at all? Also I don't believe men are "wired," but trained by our sexist society to value and treat women as trophies, objects. And I just don't understand why being some dude's prized "trophy," an object, should be my reward for dating. Depressing as hell, this article.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

It's a shame that you feel that way. I happen to think that being cherished and valued by a man and considered a real prize in his eyes happens to be a really good thing.

Anonymous said...

The problem isn't that being prized by a man as a trophy is depressing. The problem is that once he's won you as a prize he moves on. Because you're not really a HUMAN BEING. You are just quarry. It's not our fault. Doesn't matter how great you are to him, it gets boring. He doesn't want you to be great to him. He doesn't want you to be the prize forever. He's only in it for the thrill of the chase. To think he's not wired for that is to ignore evolution. Men evolved as HUNTERS.They are wired to hunt. They crave it. They are bored without it. No they are not all like this but often the most attractive masculine men ARE. They were the ones evolved to hunt the best. That's where we fall prey. Truth is, those kind of men are good for a fling but never for long term love. You are prey, you are not an equal human with feelings to them. If they considered your feelings they would not be able to hunt you. Men\hunters are wired to have no compassion for their prey otherwise they would be vegetarians lol. Hunting stimulates their amygdala which triggers adrenaline. This is very similar to the excitement of sex - for a man. It's a totally different brain and biochemical process for a woman. That's why women don't understand.

The real problem is that men have not yet evolved to realize their destructive hunting behavior. They hurt themselves as much as they hurt us. Because they win our love and then when they start treating us like a bloody corpse, we eventually realize we've been had and end up being hurt and leaving them and losing the love we had for them. They want to be adored by us but how can you adore someone who is just preying on you.You see, when a man is on his best behavior to win your trust and love, he is like a hunter wearing camouflage to trick you into coming close enough for the kill shot. Once he's ripped off his camouflage you see he's just a heartless predator and you run.

Eventually a lot of women just stop playing the game. They start hunting men. They don't realize women become this way just to survive. They just don't realize they are their own worst enemy. This is where we are at in our evolution as a species. It's not personal and it's not your fault. There are not enough evolved self aware non predatory men to go around. Wise women know and accept this rather than blaming themselves.

The power of the hunter is fading fast. Women now have the choice to evade men since we now have our own money and can simply leave. We can also take contraceptives and refuse to have their children so they will eventually get weeded out of the herd. That's the bottom line. Women hold the power as long a we get to choose who procreates with us. That's why so many laws against abortion, contraceptives and women working are being pushed to get procreation back under men's control. Women better not allow that or we will devolve again and our species will continue to hunt itself in misery. This hunting makes many people's lives a hell on earth. It has to stop. Women need to stand firm and men need to wake the heck up. That's all.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous, October 26, 8:16AM,
"The problem is that once he's won you as a prize he moves on. Because you're not really a HUMAN BEING."

While I agree that very macho (insecure) men, aka players, do tend to behave in this manner, as you've stated, not ALL men will do this. Confident men who truly do value what they've worked hard to attain tend not to take that for granted. Sure, even good men may have a tendency to become complacent and lazy to an extent regarding the woman in their life, but not to the point of straight up boredom that ends with them leaving. Behind every good man is a good woman, and good men are generally more educated, intelligent and emotionally mature and they understand and appreciate the value of a good woman. Hence, the need for "filtering" when dating and the need for the man to "prove" himself.

"No they are not all like this but often the most attractive masculine men ARE."

Those are the players most times. What a lot of women tend not to realize is that a macho man does not equal a confident man. In fact, most times it's the exact opposite.

Macho men are generally secretly insecure (don't feel like men, lack confidence). As a result, they tend to overcompensate when it comes to their masculinity (to feel manly and confident) - thus coming across like a he-man caveman of sorts wearing false bravado. And insecurity makes us behave strangely as human beings, hence all of the "mind" games involving power, control and domination that macho men tend to play when dating.

But again, that's a certain type of man. It's a category that not all men will fall into, as you've stated. And with macho men, there are also generally underlying personality disorders at play as well, such as narcissistic personality disorder, which also contributes to this behavior.

"There are not enough evolved self aware non predatory men to go around. Wise women know and accept this rather than blaming themselves."

Very true. And it brings to mind an interesting study I just saw this weekend that will directly apply to you ladies born after 1980 - Gen Y or the Millennial Generation as some call it. Roughly those now between the ages of 18 and 34. I feel for you gals because the reality is that narcissistic personality disorder is now running RAMPANT in that age category:

". . .the millennials have grown into adulthood with some personality problems that the boomers lacked, according to psychologists who measure such things, including high rates of narcissism, materialism, unrealistically inflated expectations and a startling lack of independence. American college students scored 30% higher on the 40-item Narcissistic Personality Index in 2006 than they did in 1979, for instance, according to a study led by psychologist Jean Twenge of San Diego State University.

And many experts lay the blame for some of these problems at the feet of the parents, specifically those who bought into the then-popular “everybody gets a trophy” school of child-raising—showering their kids with positive affirmations and telling them they could be anything they wanted to be, says Twenge, also the author of “Generation Me”.

The consequences of such ego-boosting can be seen in the discrepancy between millennials’ opinions of their abilities and their actual achievements: In 2009, 53% more American college students rated themselves “above average” in writing skills than did so in 1966; and 13% more did so for math, according to an analysis of the University of California Los Angeles’ annual survey. Meanwhile, SAT scores decreased 4% over the same period. Furthermore, some psychologists believe millennials’ overconfidence in their own abilities can translate into unrealistic expectations. . ."


Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

So you gals in that age range dealing with men in that age range - yea - you're facing a HUGE obstacle. A 30% increase in narcissistic personality disorder is a giant leap in such a short period of time. And you can see the consequences of this mentality now playing out in society, particularly in dating and relationships. . .where expectations are extremely high and overconfidence reigns supreme.

When you think "big" - the fall is also just as big. Meaning, higher expectations cause larger amounts of discouraging experiences, because those big expectations are generally not being met.

And you see this nowadays everywhere. Ever notice ladies, how many more "average" looking men feel ENTITLED to "above average" women than in years previous? Yep, that's another consequence of this mentality and this disorder as well, a huge sense of entitlement - feeling they deserve a lot - with very little investment and very little work on their part.

So women in this age group dating men in this age group - are probably experiencing this effect a lot more than those not dating in that age range are, "The problem is that once he's won you as a prize he moves on. Because you're not really a HUMAN BEING."

Which is very unfortunate indeed :-(

Anonymous said...

Well...I have been giving him silent treatment for 40 days, when he started to make me confused and hurting me constantly. He used to be so nice and attracted to me than im. He still is. But within these 40 days on 22th day he made me crazy by doing something crazy and I went mad, scolded him so much by smsing, but he didn't replied. After that I went to silent zone again. ...its 16th day, within this time he knocked me by his frnds bt nt bim ( arrogant bustard!!). I acted I didn't understand anything n he is just a mate. Should I keep going strong for next 14 days to finish pure 30 days silence? Cause, on previous arguments he used to come back within 7 to 8 days. So im getting confused as he is doing nothing by himself except following me n knocking me by his frnds!!? ( N.B. its been 7 months relationship, mostly he interviewed me and I answered all. But he is very secretive about his personal life. He is too much jealous over other men, but after all signs of intense attraction on me, I didn't find him asking me out seriously, just cafeteria and other near areas). I have been trying to find a suitable guy, but as I haven't found yet, he is still on my mind. What u think? What he is doing with me? Will he reappear? Or should I completely throw him out? He was a good friend, but not sure about his intension. He wants to every single detail of my daily life!! Where he remains secretive!! I observed, he tried to change so many of him just for me! ! There was good side n bad side....im insanely confused! !!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous December 12, 3:11PM,
I see no reason to contact a man like this dear. None at all. If a man makes you feel bad about yourself, causes you to question yourself, causes you pain and confusion - why would you want that in your life? Why would you want to contact a man like that and continue experiencing all that negativity in your life, ya' know?

Don't bother, it's not worth it.

You want to be around men who make you feel good about yourself. You want to be around understanding men, not men who are controlling and secretive. You want to be around men that value you and treat you special by taking you on nice dates on occasion and treating you like a lady.

He is none of those things dear. As a result, I see no need to try to bring him closer and/or welcome him into your life. If he hurts you and makes you feel bad. . .stay away from him. Only permit people that bring positive energy with them - into your life. And get rid of men like this that bring nothing but negativity with them.

If he doesn't make you feel good. . .then there's absolutely no reason to be around him, or to want him in your life. Because you deserve MUCH better than that dear :-)

BoyfriendFormula said...

Hi Aphrodite

Great post on detailing the differences between men and women on the dating landscape. Would it be alright for me to suggest that often times the dating landscape can be compared to dancing, where different men and women pair up to dance and synchronize movements with each other.

Those that synchronizes well physically and emotionally often pair up and dance on their own, away from the dancing group. Those who hadn't found a suitable dance partner keep dancing or give up or get better at dancing...I prefer this analogy as I prefer dating to be a little more fun and open (not saying that it can be dangerous too as highlighted in this article already)

What do you think?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Yes, dating is a dance of sorts and I often refer to it as such. Particularly in the courtship phase. It's about finding your match ultimately. And while approaching it in a fun manner is naturally what we want, the reality is that modern day dating is full of cons, users, loser, liars, sociopaths, narcissists and more. So while having fun, you still have to keep your guard up and look out for yourself as well by filtering men first, and qualifying them as a potential "match" for yourself. . .before really beginning the dance :-)

Anonymous said...

Anonymous December 12, 3:11PM
ya he is back!!
u was r8
frm my experience Men r psychos!! and we hav to live with them anyhow!! haha
and relation basically is abt balancing, maintaining a level all the time of relation, not only during fighting or silent period.
i understand over decades of experience that, i have to get my respect by my own effort, through patience and other things. thank you. I leart a lot from you.

Anonymous said...

I hope I get a response, I'll try to condense this...I thought I had my situation figured out...I'm a Cancer woman. He is an Aries man. We met at a bar. He hit on me. I was completely rude. He followed me, finally got my attention. With his Aries persistence, me having had a few drinks I somehow end up driving him and his friend back to their hotel. He lives in Tampa, me in Orlando. It was his friends bachelors party. I got scared, refused to go into the room and made him sit in the hallway. We talked until 7am. He left to take his friend home, at first I didn't want to give it to him and finally did and then I slept. When he got back he said he left his credit card at a bar and asked me to go with him to find it. After we got the credit card we spent the whole day drinking and talking and just clicked. He ended up staying at my house and we hooked up. I thought I wouldn't hear from again but the next day the texts began. Constant. He came back to town the next weekend for the wedding and I spent the weekend with him. He came back the next weekend for a friends birthday and again, together. He was pretty awesome. Then I finally went to his place in Tampa. So after two months, his friends all know me, I met his parents, he was calling me his girlfriend and he met my daughter. The kid thing was an accident. He was leaving to go home, I was going to get her from her Dad, my car broke, he ended up taking me to get her and help me drop my car off. Then he asked both of us to go to his parents for a weekend. At the parents, I freaked. It was so fast. I said I couldn't be his girlfriend, I had alot of stuff to work on, wasn't ready for a relationship. He flipped out. He said, I've been wanting to end things. I don't want to date a girl with a kid because I did that and it's not what I want. I'm still in love with my ex, I'm depressed. Things ended. Back to normal, except he's still texting me, almost like we didn't break up. He asks me one night what I'm doing, I say going on a date. 30 mins later I'm getting this "I feel sick to my stomach. I don't want you going out with another dude. I can't even handle it. I don't want to break up. I want you back. Do not go out with this guy. I only said that stuff to hurt you because I was mad. I'm not in love with my ex, you put those words in my mouth. I'm over her. I'm fine with you having a kid. I want you." So we got back together. He tells me one night, "I'm really glad we worked things out. It feels so right with you. I'm feeling really good about life now." Things are great. He tells me he loves me, drunk, so I didn't count it. We planned two vacations for the next year. He spends over 1k on my 30th birthday. Then, we get in a minor fight through texts 6 months later. I was actually being sarcastic and he took it the wrong way. Then he says..."If you're going to act like that don't even bother coming to Tampa." After not seeing him for two weeks at that point I thought, Wow, he doesn't even care to see me. I said "Why are we even dating." He said "Good question. I want to break up. We're through." Then he flips out and says awful stuff. The same stuff from the first breakup. Also that, he just used me to make himself feel better. To not be alone. That I don't take his depression away, I'm not the one for him. We aren't compatible. It freaks him out that he may get stuck in Florida because I have a child. I'm selfish and manipulative and It's always about what I want. I don't respect him. I should find someone else.

Anonymous said...

A month later after no contact he texts me "Did you delete stuff off of my to do list on my phone?" I said "No." He said "Oh. Well you were playing with it that one day at Target, I thought maybe you did." I said "Yes. I deleted your to do items to ruin your life. WTF? Are you drunk?" He said "LOL. No I didn't really think you did it. How are you?" Then, we start texting nonstop. I told him I was going on a date one night and his response was, "That was fast. I guess you didn't really care about me as much as you said you did." Then, we start hanging out again. One of his friends hits on me and he throws a temper tantrum. He does everything for me. Always worried. Fixes my brake light. Tells me, "You look so tiny please come home and let me feed you." He makes me dinner, breakfast, takes me out. Tries to pay a Dr. bill for me. Tried to put me on his phone plan. I'm hanging out with him and his friends. I go to his marathon. He's driving to my house to take me to the movies. (hour and a half drive). He pays for everything when we go out. Tells me "You and (kid) come here. I'll make you guys dinner, and we'll make Christmas cookies and go look at lights and the next day let's go get a Christmas tree and I want to buy it for you. I finally ask if we are getting back together. He says "No, I don't want to get back together. I like you. But I see no future with you and I don't love you. I have no feelings for you." Then after two weeks of not talking I initiate a text. I ask for sex. He says come over...btw I work in Tampa pretty much every weekend so I'm always there. I said ok. Then he says "If I had known you were coming over tonight I would've made you dinner. My house is a mess. I haven't shaved, I have a full beard. I'm excited you're coming over." He asks me to stay the next night and the next night. I tell him, I can't play these games anymore, this is the last time. He says "Please don't say that. I won't be happy if you stop seeing me. I want to keep talking. I want to keep seeing you." Over this last weekend, he makes me breakfast every morning, dinner, takes me to the movies with friends. Takes me out to a bar I had been wanting to go. A guy hits on me at the bar, He flips out. "I don't care what you do or who you talk to!" I get him to calm down, that it's not my fault a guy talked to me. He's super cuddly. He says, in a few weeks I"ll take you hunting. Next weekend you should come over and I'll take you on the bike again. He starts making future plans. He says he wants to come up and help me move. He wants to take me to my LASIK appointment. On Sunday morning I wake up to him kissing me on the forehead and he says "I went to that cuban place you like and got your favorite coffee and I'm making you french toast. When i get back, i tell him i'm so confused. What does he want from me. He says "You're right. I shouldn't have you over when I really want to break up. It's not fair to you. We should start acting like exs instead of friends with benefits like we have been." I say, "Ok. I'm gone." I deleted him off FaceBook, Deleted his phone number and deleted my profile out of his NetFlix account. The whole time we had been broken up he insisted I keep using it and would put stuff into my list that he thinks I'll like. I thought, he doesn't love me or care about me. I'm finally done. Then all of my friends say, he's in love with you and terrified to admit it. I am so lost...I thought even if he texts me I'm never responding. Now I'm not sure what to do....there's a lot more in this story...if more is needed I can tell more...thanks

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 17, 9:05 PM,
Ugh, I'm sorry that this happened dear. And I'm equally sorry that I'm about to tell you what you probably don't want to hear :-(

But this guy is simply not ready dear, and possibly not even relationship material. His wishy-washy attitude and behavior is signaling that. And when things like this start happening this early on, it's a clue that this isn't really a match. If you stay in this situation, there will be more of this. This relationship will, most likely, be like this from this day forward. It will be a very toxic, very "up and down" emotional roller coaster ride, with this guy constantly reminding you each time he's experiencing anger, that he doesn't love you or want to be with you. And who needs that, ya' know? Who wants to be around someone that's constantly reminding them that they don't want to be with them in the end? Who wants to be around someone that's using them as a temporary bandaid until what they truly want eventually comes along, ya' know? He even admitted that and honestly, based on his behavior, I believe him.

When men say these things, women have a tendency to issue the benefit of doubt just like your friends did by making excuses like "he's in love with you and terrified to admit it." Don't assume that dear because his behavior is more indicative of what he said earlier which is "he just used me to make himself feel better." I'm sorry, I know that isn't what you wanted to hear. But I want you to realize that his behavior is aligning with those words, which is why he's not fully jumping in here. To make excuses such as your friends are doing by assuming that behavior signals "terror" on some level, won't do you any good dear. When men want something, they go for it. Very rarely if ever are they truly "terrified" of a woman or a situation, ya' know? Additionally, men are even more inclined as humans than women to proceed towards "danger" of sorts, to march right towards it (take on the challenge), so assuming "terror" is holding him back isn't really wise :-(

This is NOT terror:

"He flipped out. He said, I've been wanting to end things. I don't want to date a girl with a kid because I did that and it's not what I want. I'm still in love with my ex, I'm depressed."

"he flips out and says awful stuff. The same stuff from the first breakup. Also that, he just used me to make himself feel better. To not be alone. That I don't take his depression away, I'm not the one for him. We aren't compatible. It freaks him out that he may get stuck in Florida because I have a child. I'm selfish and manipulative and It's always about what I want. I don't respect him. I should find someone else."

"I finally ask if we are getting back together. He says "No, I don't want to get back together. I like you. But I see no future with you and I don't love you. I have no feelings for you."

"He says "You're right. I shouldn't have you over when I really want to break up. It's not fair to you. We should start acting like exs instead of friends with benefits like we have been."

It's IGNORANCE and it's him, USING you as a punching bag to deal with his emotional baggage. Don't issue men like this the benefit of doubt because if you do, you'll get burned dear :-(


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Here's what his behavior is signaling about him dear:

He's insecure (jealous).
He's emotionally unstable (wishy-washy).
He's inconsistent in his behavior (unreliable).
He's irrational (flips out often over small things).
He's manipulative (misleads you about his intentions with his behavior),

And NONE of that dear, none of it, are traits that make for a healthy, stable relationship. His overall behavior and characteristics signal that he's simply not relationship material at this time :-( He has none of the traits need for a stable relationship, which are:

Emotionally Stable
Consistent Behavior

The above are traits necessary to make for a stable, happy, healthy relationship dear - and he doesn't possess any of them at this current time in his life. And I believe that ANY woman that ends up with him right now, will be on the receiving end of his wishy-washy behavior. It's not YOU, it's HIM. He's not emotionally stable right now and his wishy-washy behavior is signaling that to you. So instead of granting him the benefit of doubt and permitting yourself to remain in this toxic situation that may ultimately be emotionally damaging to both you and your child - I honestly think it's best here dear, to let him go. To walk away and to give him the time and space to work his issues out and find balance in his life again. That doesn't have to be a solid end. Who knows, in a year, he could've done that and he may or may not return a "whole" human being again, ready for a real relationship. But then again, he could be stuck in the same exact place emotionally a year from now, creating more toxicity in his life with anyone who comes along.

Either way, this is HIS issue to work out. And if I were you, I wouldn't stick around to be a part of that process because if you do, you're going to take the brunt of his frustration and he'll continue to treat you like his emotional punching bag. So think of yourself and your child here dear...and remove yourself from the toxicity and negativity that this association with him is breeding in your life :-(

Anonymous said...

What you are saying is what I've been feeling about the relationship. BUT, a lot of these problems stemmed from me. I don't know if I'm the one that's messed this up. I told him when we met that I wasn't ready to date. I'm still going through a divorce. He forced it. I pushed hard, but he refused to leave. Kept saying, I make you happy, I bring you out of your shell. I initiated the first breakup and the second. He told me, "You did this. You threatened a break up. It's just another sign to me. You don't even trust me enough to let me watch your kid for a few hours while you go to work. This just shows me that you're not in this. You don't take this relationship seriously." And honestly, I didn't. He said I was secretive. I was. I didn't want to be in a relationship. I'm finally getting out of my marriage. I want time to myself. I went back to school. I'm focused on work. I want time with my kid. I didn't trust him with my kid. I didn't want to. After we broke up though, I realized that I loved him.

Anonymous said...

The past three months we've been broken up his friends have told me whenever I'm gone for a period of time, because I keep popping in and disappearing, he won't get out of bed. There have been no girls. He just sleeps, all day, and sits by his phone waiting on me to text. He failed a class last semester. I would text him "What ya doin??" and he would say "I slept all day. I didn't go to class. I can't study. If you were here I could study." I finally yelled at him and said "Maybe if you would spend 10 minutes focusing on yourself and try to make yourself happy instead of constantly trying to FIX ME you wouldn't be so depressed." I am not a girl to sit around for a guy. As soon as we broke up I was out with my friends, going on dates, ignoring his texts. Throwing it in his face. Also, although I don't think so, apparently I'm hot. His friends say, you're the hottest girl he's ever had. Hit on me in front of him. He is not very attractive. I was not attracted to him at first. My friends say..what are you doing with that guy?? But he grew on me :/ He makes comments about how we look together. "People think I'm your Dad. I bet everyone wonders how I got you." But, he treats me like a princess. But, I don't want someone who thinks a relationship should take his depression away. If he texts me again...should I just ignore it forever? I thought I was ready to, but now I'm not sure. Everything this guy says and does, is not consistent with someone who wants to break up. He tells me, "It's hard for me to let you go. I like you. I care about you. I didn't move out of Florida because of you." But he tells me he doesn't want me. I know that when a guy tells you something, you believe him. Did i mess this up because I'm so wishy washy? I'm a true cancer. Walls up. Push away. Secretive. I'm much better at running than staying...

Anonymous said...

Also, he is consistent. He always finds a reason to contact me when we stop speaking. The two week silence that just happened before this last weekend...apparently he thought I was with someone new. I have been so abusive, inconsistent, just angry. He takes it all. Says nothing back. Then the next day when I apologize, he just says "It's ok. I know why you're upset. I forgive you." If I am receptive to him texting me. like if I respond quickly, he blows up my phone. His texts read like this, "I'm going to class. I'm in class now. What are you doing? I'm leaving class now. I'm hungry. I'm getting Chick Fi Le. Did you eat today? I'm home. I think (dog) misses you. (pic of dog). I'm going to run. I need to lose weight. Are you still at work? When are you back in Tampa?" These texts come one after the other. When I get back to my phone and see 20 texts from him I always say, "Wow. I'm gettin play by plays again...someone must miss me."

I keep driving myself crazy with this. But you are right. He does not want me. I told him I was gone on Tuesday and I haven't heard anything from him. I need to find a way to get over this. I've never been this hung up on someone.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 18, 11:21 AM,
"If he texts me again...should I just ignore it forever?"

Well dear, if you're exhibiting the same behavior as he is right now and carrying similar traits and feelings on the matter, then as much as I hate to say this - it appears that neither one of you are ready for a relationship at the moment. And because of that, it's turned a bit toxic for both of you :-(

"I have been so abusive, inconsistent, just angry"

This is what I mean dear - toxic. And from the sounds of it, both of you guys are feeding off of each other's negativity and mirroring one another's negative behavior :-( When that exists dear, it's toxic. You don't use one another as emotional punching bags and you don't worry about fixing the other individual or the situation. Instead, you focus on fixing YOURSELF. And it sounds like both of you need to do that to heal.

"I'm going to class. I'm in class now. What are you doing? I'm leaving class now. I'm hungry. I'm getting Chick Fi Le. Did you eat today? I'm home. I think (dog) misses you. (pic of dog). I'm going to run. I need to lose weight. Are you still at work? When are you back in Tampa?"

It appears he's very "needy" right now and when someone is like that dear, much like a vampire, it can suck the life outta' you. If you're not prepared to "give" him as much as he "needs," then again, some space might be necessary here.

Do you notice how you vacillated from pounding on him in your first comment to pounding on yourself in the second dear? Do you notice how you swung from one opinion to another in each? That's indecisiveness dear, and it's okay, you're only human. But it is indicative of overall wavering and yes, what you could call wishy-washy behavior. And it appears that you are BOTH doing this, which again, is very toxic to one another and very negative. It signals a need for some space and some time to heal on both your parts.

If you enter a relationship not "whole," you're not going to be fulfilled by it dear, neither one of you. They say two halves make a whole, but in reality, that's more like co-dependence. In reality, you really do have to be whole when entering a relationship if you want it to be healthy. You don't look to the other individual to provide your happiness for you, that comes from within you. The other person should simply add to it, add to what is an already happy and fulfilling existence.

And it sounds like neither one of you are truly "whole" right now dear. And each needs to heal emotionally.

Lashing out at others, using them as an emotional punching bag, behaving inconsistently emotionally (up and down, up and down), placing hefty needs upon them that you expect them to fulfill, using harsh words towards one another. . .it's all so toxic dear and there's a child involved here as well :-(


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

As a result, my suggestion remains the same dear. Naturally, you have free will and you can freely use your will to ignore whatever I say here, LOL - but I honestly think dear, that some time and space would do you two, both of you, some good. You're tormenting one another right now and lashing out at each other and doing lots of damage emotionally attempting to force this to work. When that happens, some space and time is needed. It's time to pull back, place a bit of distance there and focus on YOURSELF and healing emotionally from the past (each of you) and becoming emotionally strong BEFORE entering into a relationship again. Because when you enter a relationship from a stance of "lack" - when you are "without" -and you're expecting someone else to provide your happiness for you and fill that void that's lacking and they don't, you'll always be resentful of them for that and the lashing out will continue and the toxicity will grow.

If you guys continue along this path dear, you both can do more damage to one another emotionally than good. There are very real consequences that stem from these types of toxic situations and the effects can be lasting and can carry over into the next relationship, which honestly, is what I think might be happening here already. So you each need to pull back and take the time to focus on yourselves and healing emotionally BEFORE entering into a relationship. Otherwise, this will continue. You'll continue to work out your emotional pain from the past on him and unleash the frustration you're feeling from it on him - and he'll continue to do the same with you dear, over his ex and his past frustrations and pain.

Give this some time dear. Give it some space. Focus on yourself in the meantime and try to develop healthy ways to cope with the stresses of the past and to release the anxiety from that in healthy ways, such as exercising, maybe writing or journaling, walking, jogging, a hobby, etc. Whatever helps you to release anxiety in a healthy manner and not upon another human being. I realize that's easier said than done dear, but all you have to do is take one step in the right direction with that, and the rest has an amazing way of following in place. It just takes the one first step :-)

And once you've found healthy ways to cope, you can possibly revisit this situation again in the future. If it's still there for the taking, then that's great. If it isn't, it's okay dear. Sometimes we meet people not because we're supposed to be with them, but because we're meant to learn from them. And if that's the case here and you each end up helping one another grow from this experience together, then so be it, that's still a positive thing dear.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty; to provide you with guidance and support; to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

Anonymous said...

His roommate's girlfriend texted me yesterday wanting to know what I did to him. She said he doesn't look happy, he's quiet. Not leaving the house again. I said I gave him what he wanted. I walked away and deleted myself out of his life, he'll be fine. She said he'll be going after you again soon. His roommate said he wants you back. When you come around he's normal and happy again. I said no, he told me he doesn't want me. And his roommate said I don't think that's true. I shut my phone off. I'm definitely listening to you. I don't get confused often with men and this guy has really thrown me off. I'm walking away and I'm going to continue focusing on me and my child. With all of this telling me I'm not the one, why does he keep coming back? Why does he put so much effort into me? Why does he keep finding a way to get back to me or some way of keeping me around? It's not like we live close to each other. I know that if I texted him right now he would respond immediately. If I wanted him to come to me he would. If I needed help with something he would help. That's what's so confusing to me. When you are done with someone aren't you done? He had said before that he wanted to stay friends. He didn't want to stop talking to me because he likes talking to me and he likes seeing me. He said he's having a hard time letting me go and that he's hurting just as much as I am. I tried to be his friend but that wasn't working. He would get clingy or jealous, I would get resentful. We would end up sleeping together. We weren't acting like we were broken up or like friends. That's why I finally just removed myself from it, so that I could get over it, move on and not keep getting hurt. I told him it wasn't healthy for me. Maybe when I have moved on I can be friends with him, but, I'm scared the same thing will keep happening.

Anonymous said...

What really bothers me is that, he knew I had a child the first night we met. When he told me he didn't want to date anyone with a child it really freaked me out. How many of these guys am I going to go through? I tell him I'm not ready for a relationship, that I have things to work on with myself, I don't have time, I don't have anything left to give anyone right now. Yet he pushed his way in. Assured me it was fine. That the kid didn't bother him. So he either lied to get what he wanted from me, or just decided at one point that dating a girl with a child was too much work. He says he was pretending the whole time. I don't even know what kind of person does that to someone who has a child and was scared to get into anything to begin with. This guy made a huge deal out of me not "trusting him" with her. Always saying I should bring her down sometimes with me, show him that I was serious about the relationship and that I could trust him. He was mad that I refused to introduce him to my parents. He asked me to move to Tampa! I thought everything was great between us. His friends are telling me he's crazy about me, they've never seen him like this with anyone. And then boom, I get a reality check. I just keep thinking shame on me for not seeing any signs, for letting someone get close like that, for letting him get close to my child. I definitely learned to not make this mistake again and to be more attentive and careful. But if someone comes at you this strong, and lies this well and gets you to feel this comfortable how am I going who to finally let in? I think 2014 sounds like a great year to stay single and continue working on my goals, but I was single for two years before this guy. Not just single but literally in hiding. I would eventually like to date again but is that even possible when you are a single mom? It seems like too much stress for me and too much work for any guy who tries...btw..thank you for your responses and your advice. I felt a lot of peace today about this situation. I feel like I can stop blaming myself and beating myself up over what's happened. If someone can feel like it's ok to enter into a small child's life with devious intentions then that's probably someone I don't want in my life.

Anonymous said...


i have a question. a boy im messin wit told me he love me a few months ago. i got scared and aint know what to say so i aint say nothin. he aint said it since and now i really wanna tell him i do too but idunno. can i tell him and how? thank u.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I wouldn't do that dear, unless you're prepared for either outcome. Meaning, he may be receptive to that, and he may not. So if he isn't, are you prepared to deal with that emotionally in a mature manner? Also, a boy you're "messin wit" is VERY different from a boyfriend. One is casual and one is a relationship. If you're unsure as to whether or not this man is really your "boyfriend" or if he's in a committed relationship with you and only you, I think I'd hold off on taking the chance, particularly since he hasn't said it again and doesn't seem to be questioning the issue. You're free to do as you please, but if it were me, I think I'd give it some more time and wait to see if he presses the issue and starts expressing more feelings for you first.

Anonymous said...

I feel a little out of place here, but I wanted to put forward that dating is terrifying and horrible for men too.

We pursue women, largely because we don't feel loved otherwise, and because for many of us, that's the only way we can feel close to another human.

I could get in to a big long thing about it, but really, I was just hoping to throw in my personal viewpoint, etc., etc.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Male,
Don't feel out of place - feel free to expand on your points for the ladies here. (All I ask is that you do so maturely and kindly, rather than disrespectfully and via name calling, LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

Amazing article - I got a lot out of this. Recently have been the ultimate prey & hence losing emotionally it's a terrible feeling. Even when I was trying to make it difficult - just feels like playing games. You can't quite shake it & you never forget it. My obsession with the bad boys who are exciting and thrilling (clearly the predators) destroying me every time. Thank you for this article!

Mike Welker said...


I believe your article is very one sided and true only with the youngest or most immature of either gender. As a responsible male over 40, I can say that I'm neither predator or prey (or perhaps both). All of my unattached male friends are out there looking for partners, equals, women who don't "need" a man to get by day to day. No, we're not ugly (well, most of us :D ) and we're all successful.

Men are readily targeted as potential "child support" accounts so pregnancy risk runs both ways and everyone has to be concerned about diseases. That leaves emotion as the only outstanding item in your trinity of women's "risk". If you believe _adult_ males aren't putting emotions on the line, you're mistaken. Agreed, women are generally "wired" a little heavier on that side of the scale but men run their own risks.

My general point is that you may want to talk to a mature, responsible man to get the other side when working on things like this. Get a balanced view to help prevent misunderstandings.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Hi there and thanks for sharing your thoughts :-)

"I believe your article is very one sided and true only with the youngest or most immature of either gender."

I can understand your perception of that, however, this was drawn from the classic and very general "men are hunters (leaders, masculine), women are gatherers (submissive, feminine)" concept - a very primal urging at a base core level that most of us are still hard-wired for in our DNA, regardless of societal changes and modern day ways.

"As a responsible male over 40, I can say that I'm neither predator or prey"

Maybe not predator, as in "I'm going to get you" LOL...but I imagine you do see yourself as a leader and masculine - and as a man, you most likely always have your eyes peeled for attractive, available women to mate and pair with - that you're willing to take the lead on to make that happen...no?

That's the gist of what I'm referring to here. Meaning, men are hard-wired by Mother Nature to "hunt" in a sense, visually and through the assertiveness to take the lead and ask for dates, telephone numbers, etc. - to make that happen. While you may not be hiding underneath some woman's bedroom window, waiting to pounce LOL, I'm sure you're kinda' always on the "hunt" for a good woman, on the lookout for one, and willing to take the lead masculine role to make something happen when one catches your eye...no?

"Men are readily targeted as potential "child support" accounts so pregnancy risk runs both ways and everyone has to be concerned about diseases. That leaves emotion as the only outstanding item in your trinity of women's "risk"."

Yep, pregnancy runs both ways, but what I'm referring to here more than anything is...being straddled as a single mother, left to rear that child on your own for a lifetime...because some less than honorable man bailed on you afterwards. Men risk money in that situation, but women risk having to actually RAISE the child for years, possibly alone - which is much more costly in the long run (no personal life, men may steer clear of you due to not wanting an instant family, trouble finding and keeping a job due to childcare issues and lack of paternal assistance and support, etc.) Because lets face it, while you may be an upstanding man and a good father....unfortunately, there are loads of men who aren't. And what those single mothers face on a day to day basis is a tremendous undertaking that many times, costs them a personal life, costs them a love life, costs them a job and/or a career and leaves them on public assistance, living in near poverty situations, when the father bails.

And regarding disease, yep, everyone is susceptible. However, the two I referenced are severe and don't affect men in the same manner they affect women. Chlamydia can leave a woman sterile and ruin her chances of ever having a family. HPV exposure can take her life via cervical cancer, after it lies dormant for 20 years and then rears it's ugly head.

And regarding emotions, well, I think we both understand that they have a tendency to, for the most part generally speaking, affect women much more severely than men. Not always, but a greater part of the time generally speaking.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"you may want to talk to a mature, responsible man to get the other side when working on things like this. Get a balanced view to help prevent misunderstandings."

Well, the thing is, is that these are my views and I'm giving my female perspective here. That's the entire purpose of this site as stated in my bio, "I think too much and I take those thoughts and dump them here, into the cyberworld, to see what everyone thinks about the matter."

So yea, it is very one-sided because...well, because it's my site LOL ;-) I realize it's not for everyone and neither are my views. I also realize that the majority of men we discuss here...are not gentlemen unfortunately. Women aren't sharing horror stories of gentlemen here on this site so the end result is that this isn't a place for everyone and my views on men here generally are referencing the umm....not so gentelmanly ones unfortunately ;-)

Great to hear from a modern day male in your age bracket here though; thank you for contributing your thoughts as I'm sure they give women some insight and validate what I do always remind them of which is...good, stand up men - they do still exist. While we're often focusing on the exact opposite on this site, the simple fact remains that a lot of this stuff on this site won't apply to all men, because there's a big difference between players and gentlemen.

Now, let's just hope you've truly been a gentleman and never been one of those err, umm...."disappearing" men we speak of so often here on this site LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

I just went to a relationship class. I am a man in my 60's, Been married twice, divorced once, widowed once, and used horribly by a narcissist female who pretty much wiped me out financially. All the while I thought she loved me, but when I lost my income, I lost her too.

So in this class, they are discussing predator versus prey. And somehow it was concluded I was prey. Most men are predators. Most women are prey.

So I have freaked out. I have so many negative connotations around being prey and a man. Only the women men aren't interested in will become predators. Being prey means being weak, feminine, easily manipulated. Being prey means being caught and devoured. Being prey means I am not in control of my destiny. Being prey means being surprised and overtaken by a predator. The accomplished and good looking women are never predators, always prey.

I could never just use a woman for sex and then dump her. That is what prostitutes are for. You don't pay for the sex, you pay for them to leave after the sex.

I have been single for 4 years now since my breakup with the narcissist. I am happy, have a job, grandchildren, don't really date much, not too interested in the whole process. Dating is both people pretending to be something they are not. Nobody speaking the truth. Women running their tests. Always testing.

Women deluded by the fairy tale of Mr. Right, the prefect guy, without flaws, their Knight in Shinning Armor.

There is one woman who has been doing online dating for 2+ years. Never takes her profile down, so mucst assume she has not had a relationship where she would want to remove herself from the dataing pool. Very pretty.

I wrote to her and she wrote back saying we are not a match. I know you can grow to love and care for someone that initially seems unattractive. Or the converse, the attractive one that turns out to be a selfish narcissist. You sure cannot tell from the outside or from an online dating profile. The "Chemistry" wears off in two years or less, yet that is what both men and women seem to make their decisions on. Is this person "hot"? Would one desire to be intimate with this person? The "Chemistry" seems to be the major criteria.

But part of me would like to have a partner, lover, travel companion, FWB, something other than being alone. But I do not trust women, and trying not to be a co-dependent anymore. Which means I don't want to be the one always taking care of a woman and paying for everything.

I go to the movies, museums, restuarants, and concerts mostly alone.

Can someone who is prey and male ever learn to be a predator? What are the attributes or landscape of a male who is prey? What are their prospects for ever finding a love relationship? Would appreciate your thoughts.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Male,
First off, let me thank you for coming here and sharing your story. I know it's much more difficult for men to share stuff like that than it is for many women, so thank you for sharing - and I'm very sorry that you had to endure what you did in that relationship.

"I have so many negative connotations around being prey and a man."

Relax, it's not the end of the world. It just means you have a good heart, like many of the women that comment on this site, and that's not a bad thing. Your ego and pride will attempt to fool you into thinking it is, but ignore that and realize that it's just the human ego trying to intervene. Attempt to separate yourself from that (the human ego).

"I could never just use a woman for sex and then dump her. That is what prostitutes are for."

Amen! (Although many modern day men feel very different about that and have no problem using women like objects and then quickly disposing of them like garbage.)

"Women running their tests. Always testing."

LOL, well...if you read the comments on this site and the stories shared, men are doing it too. So you're not alone there.

"Women deluded by the fairy tale of Mr. Right, the prefect guy, without flaws, their Knight in Shinning Armor."

I do agree that we should stop filling young girls heads with Prince Charming fairy tales. Life is so much more raw than that and as humans, we are all flawed. If we weren't, we'd all be Gods.

"The "Chemistry" seems to be the major criteria."

That's what they claim it is - chemistry. But the reality is that they're sorely out of touch with their own emotions. What they're feeling isn't true chemistry...it's shallow sexual attraction. And that, in and of itself, does not constitute true chemistry. People are just becoming extremely disconnected and out of touch these days and I think technology has a lot to do with that.

"I do not trust women, and trying not to be a co-dependent anymore. Which means I don't want to be the one always taking care of a woman and paying for everything."

Here's the thing though. While I understand you're attempting to change, not paying for things isn't going to constitute that change. Gentlemen pay because it makes them feel like men, it actually makes them feel good. I can't possibly know, but based on what you're sharing, I think you probably fall into the gentlemen category - so please don't stop being one just because some terrible woman ruined that for you. Don't let HER dictate what YOU become. Stay true to yourself and your values. The change can come about through different practices.

And the biggest one that I advocate here for women, which would probably work for you too, is "filtering." It will be a bit different for a man, but think about this. There are ways to remain true to yourself while filtering.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

For instance, you pay for a first date. Does the woman thank you? Does she express her gratitude? Or does she simply expect it without acknowledging the kindness you just showed her? If there's no "thank you" - there's no second date - and you've just filtered her out as ungrateful and expectant. See what I mean? Only those that treat YOU right and show YOU the same gratitude and kindness you show them get a second date. And if you date only women who treat you that way, then they're unlikely to abuse you in the future. If say after the sixth date, that changes and they cease doing that, then you cease dating them. You only proceed if they're treating you right and the minute they don't, you pull back.

"Can someone who is prey and male ever learn to be a predator?"

If you start to use subtle "filtering" tactics as I've referenced above, proceeding with only those that show you kindness and treat you right in return for YOUR kindness...then you are gradually moving into the "predator" category...which I liken to that of a "leader" more-so than someone out to victimize others. Men are hunters and hunters don't eat rotten meat. And women who aren't thankful or grateful are rotten meat, so you toss them aside. This places you in control, in the lead, and YOU get to decide if you proceed or not based on how THEY are treating you in return for your kindness. It's more of a power position.

"What are the attributes or landscape of a male who is prey?"

I'm no expert, but as a woman, my opinion would be...a man who is too kind. Much like many of the women who comment here, someone with a big heart. Someone who tries too hard to be loved, because deep down inside, they feel somewhat unlovable - so they overcompensate for that by going above and beyond the call of duty. Which is why I'm saying to you, you don't have to stop being a man, stop paying for dates, etc. You simply need to learn when NOT TO PROCEED. You simply need to get comfortable with saying NO. And developing some "filtering" tactics will help you weed through the women who are keepers and will appreciate all you have to offer them, from the ones who won't and are the rotten meat to toss aside.

"What are their prospects for ever finding a love relationship?"

I believe there's someone for everyone - I truly do. There's a woman out there that won't victimize you...but she may look VERY different from the women you're used to dating (and I don't mean physically). I'm going to guess that you're in the same boat as many women here. Many women here are attracted to players and bad-boys. We don't discuss gentlemen here often as a result, LOL. But women with low self-esteem or feelings of low self-worth are attracted to "larger than life" playboys because in the human brain, there's something that signals "social increase" when someone like that is on your arm. So it only makes sense that those who feel socially inept (low self-esteem, etc.) would clamor to latch onto someone they think will raise their social status or value in the eyes of others. And I'm guessing maybe that's where you're at, only it's the opposite - it's dominant women.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

If you're a kind hearted gentle male, you may be drawn towards domineering, dominant women who want to wear the pants, call the shots and have everything handed to them. Because it's possible that you somehow in your psyche feel that a woman like that can "raise" your status socially somehow. When the reality is that all they do is stomp out your fire and victimize you, much like players do with kind hearted, vulnerable women.

So when I say that your match may look completely different from those you'd normally date...that's what I'm referring to. Steer clear of really good looking, dominant females. Pay closer attention to the mild-mannered shy girls that aren't peacocking around. Don't go for the woman that's got the attention of the entire room, go for the girl sitting along the wall, mixing her drink waiting for someone to talk to. That's the kind of woman that will appreciate you, appreciate your kindness and generosity. The domineering female will only devour you, much like male players devour sweet women.

Not sure if any of that hit home with you, but I hope I was at least of some help to you :-)

Gemini50 said...

@ Anonymous Male,

Your post and questions reminded me of something from my past. For many years, I was a single mom, raising my two children alone with grit and love. (With age and experience, I have seen I made plenty of mistakes, and if I had the opportunity to do some things differently, I certainly would – but that’s not why I’m writing.)

My son was in therapy. I was also seeing my own therapist at the time. During one of my sessions, MY therapist told me he had been talking with my son’s therapist (a man), and my son’s therapist had said the following about me, “If there was a class on fatherhood, she should be teaching it.”

My therapist thought he was doing something good by telling me this -- he thought it was positive.

Instead, I was very upset. Not at the sharing of information, that had been approved prior, but at the thought that my actions, as a MOTHER, was seen as FATHERLY. In fact, I was confused, angry, and terribly hurt. I pressed my therapist to explain to me what exactly I was doing that was NOT motherly – he couldn’t tell me. The hurt came from hearing that my behavior was seen as un-motherly – and because of my own childhood with a poor mother figure, being a good mother for my two children was so very important to me.

I struggled with this for quite some time until I finally came to the resolve that my behavior WAS motherly, it was behavior from a mother who had to do it all and did it – and F anyone who thought my actions were more fatherly than motherly. I was working so hard trying to be a good MOTHER – HE (the therapist) got it wrong! (And I also thought, if I were to teach a class, those fathers wouldn’t be able to do all that I did as a mother anyway.)

I think maybe the same thing applies from your comment of what happened to you in that class. I think labeling you as “prey” is a poor definition; and I think you hear “prey” as “weak behavior.” Don’t buy it. A man can be giving and loving and open to women, without being defenseless.

The trick is just what Ms. Mirror says, and what most of us here are learning to do; the trick is to respect and take care of ourselves first and filter out those that come into our lives who do not have the best intentions – whether we/they are men or women.

So F those people in that class; live your life the best way you know how and filter, filter, filter.

And may I also add: Please don’t become a predator. Please stick to being a Good Man… there are so few of them out there. (Smile)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Gemini50 & Anonymous Male,
Thank you Gem, for stepping in to lend support :-)

Anonymous male, the simplified version is this...it's not really about YOU changing as a person, it's simply about you learning when to say no, and getting comfortable walking away. Because kind-hearted people tend to not be used to those two things, often placing others before themselves, and the end result is that they end up sticking around for an awful lot of pain...when they should've said no and walked away a long time ago.

I'll share an example from my own life. I dated a man for two years. He took advantage of my kindness (monetarily) and in the end, I caught him cheating. But you know what? When I looked back on the very early beginnings of that relationship, there were a LOT of red flag warnings that I CHOSE to overlook. Instead, I would issue him the benefit of doubt. However, had I taken those red flags for what they truly were, which are warnings, and then did what I needed to do to protect myself...six weeks into that relationship, I would've said no and walked away from him.

I didn't. I stuck around and the end result of me doing that was....a TON of pain. A ton of pain that I could've spared myself from going through had I just acknowledged those red flags very early on, said no, and then walked away from him. In the end, I realized that I WAS responsible for bringing that pain on myself because I didn't say no, and I didn't walk away when I knew I should have.

I didn't need to change who I was. I just needed to learn to put myself first, protect myself no matter how hard, get comfortable saying no, and then learning when to walk away. I learned to "filter" who deserved my time and kindness from those who didn't - and in doing so, I no longer permit others to victimize me and I only give my time and attention to those who treat me properly and respect me.

That subtle change right there - made a HUGE difference in my life, yet permitted me to remain true to who I am :-)

Anonymous said...

Wow this was a really good read, and the comments as well. Maybe you have some insight into my issue with my guy.

We have been friends for over a year, live 2 hours apart but he's known from the start I'm moving there eventually , nothing to do with him, that has always been the plan. Took him 10 months to tell me he even had a crush on me, then it started picking up a bit over the last few months. We would only see each other once a month, sometimes less than that even. I have always made him take the initiative to interest other than friends. He is kind of distant and secretive, has been, but always polite and friendly. Since we have been physical I would get a drunk call from him once every few weeks or so, other than that we mostly text. He's said some fairly serious things when drunk, last one being that he loves me.

So a week later I asked if he wanted to see me, first he said it was a bad weekend then said twice oh that Friday would probably work, then I didn't hear any more about it. So that Friday I said well didn't hear from you so made other plans. I then tried to have something of a chat with him about what his intention was with me since we neither one of us ever bring it up. He seemed somewhat panicky and defensive at the same time. Even said maybe we should go back to being friends, at which point I told him I don't do wishy washy guys who switch back and forth between friends and something else. Then he says ok well we don't have to, idk what you want me to do, idk what you want. Says he doesn't want a "serious relationship" with somebody "so far away". Two hours is no big deal to me but apparently it is to some people. I questioned him on if this was just a physical relationship, he denied it and said there is truth to what he says when he is drunk.

So since then I've just kinda held back a bit, not contacted him much, that was a week or two ago. We have friendly chatted here and there. He is now asking to see me this weekend, well first it was Thurs or Fri or Sat, whatever worked for me he said. Now apparently he is busy "all day" Friday, but didn't say why or what he was doing. He knows I am going there to see other friends who live there as well so I said it would etiher be Fri or Sat, and if Fri was better then I'd just see him another time.

My question is, do I drop him? I'm really feeling like I should. He already knows that if stop dating someone I don't stay friends with them, he also knows I delete people out of my life constantly, and he has expressed some panic about me ever deleting him. However, he is not being serious or coming after me like he should if he really does have those feelings for me. I have not told him how I feel, all I have said is my feelings are generally based on the other person's worth and that I have total control over my emotions unlike a lot of people. I feel he is being shady, secretive, and wishy washy and I really do like this guy but I'm seriously getting sick of his crap. Do I go hang out with him this weekend, avoid physical, then tell him we should take some space or something? Or would would you suggest? Thanks.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 17, 3:15 PM,
"My question is, do I drop him? I'm really feeling like I should."

Then that's what you do dear - you listen to your gut. If it's rumbling, that's because this guy isn't making you feel special, instead, he's making you feel used and of low priority to him. And no one wants to date anyone that creates those types of feelings for them.

"Says he doesn't want a "serious relationship" with somebody "so far away"."

That's fine, that's his truth and you can accept that - BUT - it DOES come with a CONSEQUENCE, as does any decision we make in life:


"I feel he is being shady, secretive, and wishy washy"

That's not good. Again, listen to your gut here.

"Do I go hang out with him this weekend, avoid physical, then tell him we should take some space or something? Or would would you suggest?"

Here's what I would suggest. If you don't receive firm plans from him by Wednesday, then you make other plans. Your time is valuable and other people want to see you too (even if they don't, this is the stance you take, lie if you have to). You're in demand and because your time is valuable, if he wants to see you, he's got to be respectful of your time and plan dates 3 days in advance. If he doesn't - you are NOT going to be the girl sitting around with nothing to do...waiting for him to call at the last minute.

Instead, YOU are the girl with tons to do - that he needs to be respectful of.

And if he does make firm plans 3 days in advance, they're not "hang out" plans. If he invites you to "hang out," you refuse a lame date offer like that and instead, you suggest dinner or a real date instead. If he balks at that, tell him you'll check back with him after seeing what this weekend is looking like with others...and then leave him hanging - as he's done to you. He has no problems telling you Friday, then making plans with others on Friday instead, without explanation. So you're free to do the same exact thing to him.

All if fair in love and war ;-)

And that'll also make him realize that your life doesn't revolve around men. Particularly men who are wishy-washy and non-committal.

pisces girl said...

the latest on mr long distance lawyer..so we had started talking again and I was happy that he called me and made that effort to re-establish communication because I did like talking to him and sadly there is nobody else in my life that im even the least bit interested in. He still insisted on calling me late at night at his own convenience even after I asked him to call me earlier because I needed to sleep and had to be up early for work the next day but I made the mistake of still answering his calls and allowing the conversations to go on way too long and subsequently being exhausted the next day at work. He was messaging last week asking me when I was going to visit him and on Friday asked me what time I was coming even though i hadn't even told him that i was going. I told him on Friday I tried but I couldn't find any friends who were going and I didn't want to drive that long of a distance by myself. He said it was ok and thanks for trying and that it would of been nice to see me. I really did want to see him though-its been over a month now since he came to visit me the first time and that's just too long and he wasn't making any immediate plans to come see me again. Although I knew that it was him that should be making that effort to come and see me at least a few more times before I made any kind of plans to go visit him I ignored what I knew in my heart was the right way and tried to go about it my own way -BIG mistake! so I woke up early Saturday morning and decided I would catch a bus to go see him and stay in a hotel for one night and I was calling and making all the arrangements trying to find the best prices because really its money i need to be saving right now not spending so right before I was about to book everything I messaged him asking him how he would feel if he got to see me that day because I woke up feeling spontaneous ...he didnt call me till an hour and a half later close to noon when he was just waking up and he was talking about his night and made no mention of my message so I asked him if he got my message and he said yeah he did (no excitement in his voice) I told him I was just trying to be spontaneous something he told me I should be more of but that if he was busy or had plans already to just let me know and that was fine.. he said truthfully it was kind of last minute and he had a football game at 10am the next day but if I wanted to go to "do it up" (again no excitement in his voice) and he would "cuddle me all night" (till of course he had to leave to go to his football game)...I told him it was ok but that was me making my effort and from now on he would have to come visit me I just couldn't hide my disappointment and anger and I told him I had to go and id talk to him later. Then I called up my best friend and told her what happened because she suggested I just book the bus and hotel before getting confirmation from him and just go and he would be happy to see me, luckily I didn't do that. i thought he would be happy and excited too but i guess he had other more important things going on like a football game. I was so upset i messaged him saying i don't see it ever working out between us-the distance and not being able to see him when i want to makes it hard to connect and bond and him insisting on calling me late at night even after i asked him to call me earlier because i work the next day and need to sleep is just inconsiderate so i think its best he no longer call me and best of luck and i hope you find what you are looking for. And guess what-no response...Nothing!! That was last Saturday -exactly one week. By the way i still did end up going to his city with a friend who decided to go last minute and i had a great time and i didn't call him or message him when i was there but i did take pictures and posted them on watsapp so he knew i was there.

pisces girl said...

Anyways-this whole post is just to confirm that Mirror does indeed know what she is talking about ladies and trying to do things our own way will only result in hurt and rejection. Don't get in the drivers seat and plan, don't do so much and don't be spending your money trying to make things happen with a man because a real genuinely interested man will do all of that and you just have to sit back and go along for the ride. I really believe this man was interested in me but actions do speak louder than words, and as much as i believe he wants that special lady in his life and relationship he just didnt want to make it his priority. i think he likes the distance because he can still do whatever he wants and i don't get in the way. He wants a relationship but at HIS convenience and he wants to call and see me when it suits his schedule and that just does not fly with me and for all i know he could be seeing someone else. But just a couple nights before i planned on going to see him he was talking about me being his wifey and he wanted to have a baby with me in 2017.. how the hell is that ever going to happen if you cant see someone and spend time with them......its too bad -im sad..but it is what it is. id rather live in reality and see the truth than walk around with rose colored glasses on. I knew it was a bad idea from the start to make those kind of plans but i ignored my intuition and got too excited to see him which just led to hurt anger and disappointment and now us not speaking at all.

Anonymous said...

Hi Ms. Mirror,

I am writing in this section because the man I am writing to you about is behaving like a predator. This isn't a dating situation, but he is my neighbor, and I hope you can still provide me with some advice on what to do here. We live in the same building. Long story short, his dog attacked mine last year. But since he is on the board and is buddies with another board member, his dog was not evicted, and I was never granted a hearing. (Other dogs that have attacked other dogs have been promptly removed from the building.) His dog hates other dogs (ANY dog) and charged at my dog, completely unprovoked. My dog didn't even realize she was being attacked until it was too late because his dog charged like a maniac from behind. I incurred vet bills, which he eventually paid but took a nice long time to do so over several months. My other neighbor, a rather spunky older lady who also owns a dog, asked him to muzzle his dog as it affects the safety of her dog too which he actually complied with. That is, until just recently, when last month, he switched to a less effective muzzle and also began taking it off completely during walks outside our building. If somehow, someway that collar were to break loose (which I wouldn't be surprised would happen someday since the dog is very aggressive and pulling all the time), all hell would break loose and his dog would be completely out of control and my dog would most likely become a victim again as would other dogs that happen to be in the vicinity.

Recently, this man has been getting even more brazen and obnoxious. If he sees us on a walk, where a normal, reasonable person would walk away to avoid a potential disaster, he DELIBERATELY walks TOWARDS us at a quickened pace to intercept us even as we are trying to walk AWAY from him to the safety of the building. He even allowed his dog to charge at us, limited only by the length of the leash, but it terrified me and my dog nonetheless, because it was growling fiercely and looked like it was charging in our direction. I jumped and so did my dog because we both thought that the dog was going to attack again. I walked/ran with my dog as fast as I could into the lobby, but I think he thought that was funny and got a kick out of it. I told my doorlady about the incident, and she just dismissed it, saying you know, just carry pepperspray with you, even I carry one in my purse, and tell him you will spray his dog if it comes near you (it appears that she said this because she did not want to be the one to file a formal complaint on him on my behalf.) I told her that is ridiculous. I should not have to worry about carrying pepper spray to protect myself from others living in my own building for crying out loud!


Anonymous said...

Well, just yesterday, he pulled a similar stunt in which he was JUST going out for a walk with his dog, and I was JUST coming back from one with mine. My dog & I WAITED AT A DISTANCE until we were sure that he was far enough away, going in the opposite direction. However, when he saw us headed towards the building entrance, he ABRUPTLY turned back around and tried to follow us right into the building! It made me so mad, I asked the doorlady to give me a violation report form immediately, and she started screaming at me. No, don't do that! Why would you want to do that? Why don't you just go to the police? I can't give you a form! yada yada yada. I told her firmly, Look, I live in this building. I have every right to file a complaint form. I need one right now! She finally, angrily gave me one, still screaming and hollaring that I should not do this. Then it just so happened that a board member (that I happened to voted for) walked by with her dog, and I said, oh, I'm so glad to see you! And I explained what had just happened, but her reply to me was, Gee, I don't think that's going to do any good. And since I'm a newbie, I feel like I will just get laughed at if I explained what happened to the board. [What?!] So I could not help but get a bit

confrontational and said, Well then, what am I supposed to do here? Are you telling me my dog has to get attacked again or injured again until

they do something about this jerk??? I could not believe what I was hearing! Neither the doorlady nor the boardlady was willing to help me!

And these are people that I am normally friendly with and whom I see on a regular basis! This could not be more frustrating to listen to. But I

tried to stay calm and hear what they were trying to say. I asked the doorlady to give me the names of the board members, but she resfused.

However, the board lady said she would have a directory and would make copies for me (we'll see if she actually does.) Well, last month,

when that man came towards me with his dog, allowing his dog to charge and lunge in our direction with the leash on, I told the board lady

about the incident, and she told me that you should have filed a report and gotten that dog evicted. She said she would talk to some people

as there is no reason he should be getting away with that kind of behavior, but I did not hear about anything. Well, this time, that is what I was

doing, filing a report, and she said, I don't think that writing a report is going to do you any good. We have to get you some allies and

brainstorm together and do this together because I don't think doing this alone will get you anywhere. I was in the middle of writing up the

report, and I still have it with me, but I knew I also needed allies (I feel she is right about that) so I am presently holding off, trying to figure out

my next step. She said she thinks it would be a good idea to get a bunch of dog owners together as well as other possible dog/human victims

and work towards getting this dog removed from the building. Meanwhile, I am afraid for my dog's safety, and I am also concerned about

what he could do to hurt me/us in retaliation AFTER his dog is removed (if his dog is removed that is.) He could be vindictive. But mostly he is

in denial. And he thinks all of this is funny, making me jittery and frightened. According to a few sources, the dog has already previously bitten

someone in our building. We have an idea who that is and plan to talk to her. I don't know why the dog was not evicted then.

Anonymous said...

Ms. Mirror, is my board lady really concerned or is she just bullshitting me right now? I know the doorlady's behavior was way out of line. I admit I was agitated too, but I am human and I was infuriated about the whole incident. I desperately wanted my board lady's support and help but was not certain that she was trying to help or was just BS ing me to ensure her own survival on the board, which is mostly men. [btw, I remembered about one of your other readers that recently confronted her boss and could lose her job over it. While you don't normally advocate confrontations, you thought that it was o.k. in her situation.] The older spunky lady neighbor that initally managed to talk this guy into putting a muzzle on his dog, is reluctant to get involved in any meaningful way simply because he is no direct threat to her, only me. So she too is on the fence it seems, and I feel like I just saw people's true colors. I can't help feeling all alone right now :(

I would like to plan carefully, however, and take this one step at a time. I want to make sure that I make all the right moves... Initially I am thinking of writing him a letter so that I have some thing on record in writing or maybe even confront him in person (when we both don't have our dogs obviously) or both. I need allies to successfully get his dog removed from the building but am basically alone right now as he doesn't really bother anyone else. What would be a good way to make allies in this type of situation? I always wonder how Abraham Lincoln ever won the Civil War. I don't even know how to win this one itty bitty little battle...

For some reason, this man likes to pick on me and taunt me and try to provoke me somehow. (He is older, btw, like in this mid or late sixties and is married.) If his wife is walking he dog, she always makes a point to walk away from us rather than towards us (like a reasonable person would.) But the man always tries to come towards our direction which is incredibly annoying and scary. He apparently does not do this to anyone else. It seems that he is doing this for kicks more than anything and also finds putting the muzzle on a hassle and would like to be free of that routine, claiming that his dog is now recoveres from it's behavior problems (I wouldn't be so sure of that because it still behaves exactly the same towards us!) but the problem is that he is in delusion about his dog (and he keeps telling others that it is a sweet dog because that is what he would like to believe, but in reality, it rages out of control whenever it sees another dog and has probably bitten someone already.) We are simply minding our own damn business, and I thought I was done with that jerk last year but here we are again this year, nearing the end of the year, and we have to live in fear all over again because of this ONE man who is incredibly selfish, inconsiderate and sick-minded.


Anonymous said...

Please help me! I consulted my dad on this but he just blew up at me for not having done anything yet (and his patience limited.) His idea of helping me was to yell: Well DO something, confront the guy! Don't just take it lying down, how old are you??? Aghhhh I hate it when my dad gets like this, but he is kind of old school. It just makes me wonder though if I am really this pathetic! And it does not help that none of the people I consulted with so far are really cooperating. Do I take them out to tea and talk with them? What do you suggest I do here?

I have been dealing with this for a month now, and it is beginning to take its toll on me. I feel like I am dealing with a bully of some sort here, and because no one is trying to help, I feel all alone and sad, and I did absolutely nothing wrong! My dog also did nothing wrong. NOTHING!! She is actually a very shy, sweet and gentle dog and because of her sensitive nature I was horrified when she was attacked by this dog last year. She also still recognizes that dog as the one that had attacked her and gets scared whenever she see it. From my dog's persepctive, it is like the human equivalent of having a serial killer or murderer living in your building. Whenever he sees you, he just wants to attack you with knives and kill you. That is unfortunately what my dog has to tolerate every time we run into that dog, which is more often that we'd like.

Dealing With A Bully

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Dealing With A Bully,
"Are you telling me my dog has to get attacked again or injured again until they do something about this jerk?"

Unfortunately dear, and I hate to say this, but nothing will most likely be able to be done by ANY authority, police or otherwise, until a crime is committed. Without a crime, there is no violation. And without a violation, there can be no punishment, ya' know? As it stands right now, there is no crime to prosecute :-(

"is my board lady really concerned or is she just bullshitting me right now?"

Could be either or - only her actions will tell the tale.

"What would be a good way to make allies in this type of situation?"

I don't think allies are the answer here. I think FACTS and RECORD KEEPING are the answer. Because with a written journal that chronicles dates, times, descriptions of events is undeniable and provides a "big picture" view of what's taking place. But more importantly, it gives the authorities (the police, not a bunch of powerless board members) something to work with. It will give them something to question him about, and to issue warnings from, completely bypassing the board members. The board members are NOT the law. The police are.

"we have to live in fear all over again because of this ONE man who is incredibly selfish, inconsiderate and sick-minded."

You don't have to live in fear dear. You have control over the situation as well. You are free to move. And you are free to change your routine a bit, the times, to avoid bumping into him. If he walks at certain times in the afternoon, you're free to change your routine to a bit later in the evening, etc.

"it does not help that none of the people I consulted with so far are really cooperating"

It's not that they're not cooperating dear - it's that there aren't any laws currently being broken that anyone can take any action on.

"What do you suggest I do here? "

Start journaling the incidents and keeping a record book, so that authorities have something to work with.

"I was horrified when she was attacked by this dog last year"

It should have been reported to the police. That way, they'd have a record of the dogs history. If you reported it, go and obtain a copy of the incident record, keep it with your journal, and begin keeping your own additional records as well, so that the police have something to work with and act upon.

Anonymous said...

Thank you very much for your suggestions. Unfortunately, I did not report him last year. I wonder if it would be too late to do so and whether it would be possible to do so without his knowledge. I've been keeping a record, however, in case something bad happens again. With some people like those with a bully streak in them, if you are too nice or too tolerant of their bad behavior, and they are not dealt consequences, they will take your niceness for granted and abuse it!

Dealing With A Bully

loretta said...

Once upon a time, I had two different but similar relationships with men who could have been diagnosed as sociopaths. They come in various shades, some more dangerous than others, but they all have one thing in common: no man who is abusive will be honest with you. Other men, however flawed, may make mistakes and ignore you, or disappear, whatever. But a bad guy, no matter what his weapon of choice (violence, control, gaslighting, evasive behavior, criticism, possessiveness, mooch, etc.) will always, always lie to you.

Therefore, I had a little slogan for coffee cups and t-shirts that I wish every woman would heed: First Lie, Say Goodbye. I know that's hard, but if you walk away when a guy lies to you about something significant, or even something insignificant that does not require a lie (like what he had for lunch or his whereabouts if innocent), leave him.

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