I don’t know. But if you find one, let me know how you did it.
Okay, that’s obviously just my sarcastic sense of humor at work. Although I will admit, finding a good man these days isn’t easy. It requires thought, work, time, effort, study, open eyes, flexibility and an open heart.
Can anyone say, “Second job?”
Again, that’s just my sarcastic sense of humor. I’ve found a few good men. One of them, I stupidly let go - twice. Another one, I found that we weren’t necessarily compatible. And a third, I just didn’t recognize at the time. So how do you find a good man? Well first of all, you don’t go out hunting for one. Men are the hunters, women are the prey and that never changes. Besides, wondrous things generally happen purely by chance.
As a result, I’d rather focus on how to spot a good man - once he’s standing in front of you. And this is going to involve a lot of women’s intuition, study of body language, observations of the behavior and speech of a man – and a good, strong dose of common sense.
Sociopathic and Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Research suggests that there’s a phenomenon happening. And that phenomenon is the rise of sociopaths. That’s right. They’re living next door to you, they’re in leadership positions, they’re in the U.S. government, they’re at the grocery store and they're at your local bar and watering holes.
Martha Stout, Clinical Instructor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, estimates in her book, The Sociopath Next Door, that 4% of the population are sociopaths that lack a sense of conscious, cannot experience empathy and sympathy for others and cannot develop affectionate feelings for living creatures, animal or human.
While 4% might not sound like a lot to you, consider that in the U.S. alone, that represents 12 million people. Now let’s throw Narcissistic Personality Disorder into the mix, a disorder that involves arrogant behavior, high self-esteem, a lack of empathy for others and a constant need for admiration from others. Some claim those with narcissistic personality disorder represent 1% to 6% of the population. Combine that with the population of sociopaths and you have anywhere from 5% to 10% of the population either sociopathic or narcissistic in nature – or both. That means there are approximately 24 million plus individuals, in the U.S. alone, which are sociopathic or narcissistic. And that's leaving out psychopaths entirely from the equation.
There are subtle differences between the three:
Sociopath: Social and charming. A con-artist with more criminal traits than violent ones. Disregard for law, authority and the rights of others. Pathological liars. Parasitic lifestyle, sucking off of others. Promiscuous sexual behavior, lack of long term relationships (friendship, romantic or otherwise), impulsive and irresponsible, prone to boredom. Christian Bale in the movie "American Psycho" is the perfect example as is Ted Bundy, the serial killer who charmed women to their ultimate deaths.
Narcissist: Elitist and loves to be adored and admired. Feels entitled. Grandiosity and inflated self-image. Arrogant and egotistical. Gordon Gecko in the movie "Wall Street" and Richard Gere in the movie "American Gigolo" are prime examples.
Psychopath: Abnormal violent criminal behavior. Anti-social and reclusive. Lack of behavior control and remorse, even when caught. Lack of friends and close family. Lack of care for hygiene and appearance. High intelligence. Ted Kaczynski, otherwise known as the Unabomber, is a perfect example. As a child he was considered a prodigy, having an IQ of 167 (Genius), and was accepted into Harvard University at the age of 16. He earned a PhD in mathematics from the University of Michigan and became an assistant professor at the University of California at age 25. Ultimately living as a recluse in a cabin in the woods, where he created bombs he used to kill people.
And they’re not easy to spot, ladies. As a matter of fact, many of them are successful, accomplished men in powerful, respected career positions. Don’t believe me? I suggest you grab a copy of the book, The Wisdom of Psychopaths: What Saints, Spies and Serial Killers Can Teach Us about Success, by Kevin Dutton. After years of study, Kevin determined that men/women in powerful, respected positions of leadership and authority actually have the same traits as serial killers and psychopaths. And it’s those very traits that propel them to the top: fearless, confident, high self-esteem, charming, ruthless and laser focused. Qualities that “are tailor-made for success in the 21st century” as Kevin puts it.
And I couldn’t agree more. Let’s face it; you have to run people over to climb to the top. If you’re not comfortable with that, you won’t get there. Someone else will come along and run you over instead.
Now that you have a basic understanding of sociopathic behavior and narcissistic personality disorder and a clear understanding of how prevalent these personality disorders are becoming, we’re going to explore what men like this might actually look like.
He’s The Guy Next Door: A Doctor, A Lawyer, A Politician, A Powerful CEO, A Jock
Not quite what you were expecting, huh? The local high school and/or college star football player might be a narcissist? That good looking doctor who seemed so helpful might be a sociopath? Your neighbor who obsesses over how clean their car is every Saturday but won’t say hello to you might have psychopathic tendencies? And that successful businessman who took you to dinner last night might be all of the above?
Yes. That’s the reality.
And here are some red flags to help you identify them:
- The man who says he loves you but kicks your dog when you’re not looking (lack of empathy).
- The man who has tons of friends on Facebook that he hardly, if at all, even knows personally (need for admiration). *Ladies, click the link there to see research that suggests that those with unrealistic numbers of Facebook friends tend to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
- That cute bartender that goes home with half a dozen women’s phone numbers every night (ego, arrogance and need for admiration).
- That charming attorney that throws his weight and power around in the court system all day (inflated self-image).
- The guy who brags openly to you (and complains) about all the (crazy) women chasing him down (ego and inflated arrogance).
- That contractor that looks you in the eye and says, “You can trust me” but never finishes the job (guile and deception).
- The man who asks for compliments (need for admiration).
- That star football player that receives kudos from everyone standing within 2 feet of him, daily (arrogance and inflated self-image).
- The guy that scores women’s looks on a scale of 1 to 10 (objectifies and lacks empathy).
- The man who always uses “me” when conversing about matters that refer to “us” (preferential treatment, selfishness).
- That charming fella’ that throws out loads of compliments, future promises and talk of love after three dates (pseudo-intimacy).
- The man who says one thing but does another (guile, manipulation and deception).
- The man who repeatedly blames you when he does something wrong (elitist, sees himself without fault).
- The guy who doesn’t call you but rather believes you should be calling him (arrogance, manipulation and need for admiration).
- They guy who laughs at inappropriate moments, such as when you’ve seriously injured yourself or are suffering emotionally (lack of sympathy and empathy for others).
- The guy at the bar who is the loudest and is bragging about how successful he is (center of attention, ego and inflated self-image).
- The man who is willing to stop at nothing to win (fearless, ruthless, competitive, laser focused).
Men that are charming, men that use lots of compliments at early stages, men that are arrogant, men that are unemotional, men that can’t relate, men that find humor in appropriate situations, men who dislike animals – what do they all have in common?
Selfishness: The Inability to Think of, Care For, or Care About Others
To me, that’s the number one trait, the initial red flag, of a bad guy. It speaks volumes about their character and it’s selfishness that opens the doors to all of the other uncaring, self-centered, unsympathetic behavior that usually follows. Let’s face it, when you’re selfish, it’s easy not to care. It’s easy not to think about others. It’s easy to laugh at inappropriate things. It’s easy to think you’re wonderful. And it’s easy to deceive people.
Because selfish people could care less: About the outcome and what you, and others, think of them.
That’s not what’s important to them. Making you happy isn’t important to them. Pleasing you isn’t important to them. Doing the right thing isn’t important to them.
The only thing that is important to them is: Forcing their will onto others via any means possible.
And when you break it down like that, it becomes easy to see, crystal clear as a matter of fact, that a selfish individual won’t make a good partner in life – or a satisfying lover for that matter.
So How Do You Find A Good Man?
Your first task is to observe. Through this initial observation, you watch his behavior and you pay very close attention to what comes out of his mouth.
Your initial goal is to determine: Is he selfish?
To determine that, you’re going to observe his behavior and speech and answer the following questions for yourself. This is how you actively take control of your dating life to find yourself a good man.
You ask yourself:
- Does he lie, fib or over-exaggerate?
- Does he charm his way in and out of things (like your pants)?
- Does he do what he says he’s going to do (or does he just talk about it)?
The answers to those 3 questions above should be, No, No, Yes.
If you meet a man and find that the answers to the above 3 questions are opposite of the answers I’ve provided you – then you should run.
He’s a bad guy. He’s a liar, he’s a bullshitter and he’s a flake.
And the last time I looked up the definition of Prince Charming in the dictionary, it didn’t say, “Lying, bullshitting, flake.”