Yea, it happens. And it usually sucks. But let’s face it, life is full of challenges and obstacles to overcome every single day, this is nothing new.
Seeing an ex with someone new can hurt. It can cause jealousy, increased anxiety, over reaction and lots of sleepless, worrisome nights. However, in spite of all of that, it can also be a fantastic growth experience. One that can make you look like a shining star in your exes eyes.
Yes, I said it. Seeing your ex with someone new can be a fantastic opportunity to make you look like some kind of superstar to your ex. How, you ask?
Let’s explore, shall we?
When an ex is with someone new and they see an old flame in the same room, their heart skips a beat, too. Don’t be fooled by their calm, smug, outward appearance. Inside, most times, they’re trembling, too. So know that going into it. Ignore their smiles and the happy, laughing experiences they appear to be having. Inside, they’re experiencing an emotional overload.
And you’re about to kick that overload up into over drive – and come out smelling like a rose.
The Story of Jack, Jill and Cruella DeVille
When you see your ex with someone new, what should you do? (Men, this goes for you, too, so just reverse the roles here.)
You should approach them. Yes, that’s right, approach them. Stick with me here, this isn’t about confrontation, it’s about rising above, becoming enlightened. It’s about looking like a fantastic, well-adjusted human being. It's about strength and composure. And most importantly . . . this is about impressing the hell out of your ex.
Yea, that’s right – what do ya’ think o’ me now!
That’s what you’re going to be able to walk away and say to yourself. And you’re going to look like a star here. Your ex isn’t even going to see this one coming. They’re going to see you approaching, and they’re going to have an accident in their pants. You’re going to see the sweat on their brow.
So let’s use Jack and Jill here as examples of how to properly pull this off. Jack and Jill broke up. They have mutual friends in common. They’ve both been invited to attend the party of a mutual friend and you’ve heard through the grapevine that Jack is dating someone new. (Or vice versa for male readers.)
Ok, fine. You’ve got this.
You come in the door and who’s the first person you see standing there, laughing, and for all intents and purposes, appears to be having a great time with . . .hmm.
Okay, let’s call her Cruella. You’re exes new girlfriend’s name is Cruella (Yes, as in Cruella DeVille.)
So ole’ Jack and Cruella appear to be having the time of their lives. That is, until Jack sees . . .YOU. You know Jack well and you see him stammer a bit as he pulls his gaze away from you. He’s fidgeting and looks like he may be becoming a bit uncomfortable.
Perfect.
Jack is now thinking, “Crap. She’s here. Wonder what she’s going to do? She’s going to make a scene, I know it. But I’m going to ignore her. I’m going to look as if I’m having the time of my life with Cruella.”
Ok Jack, whatever. It’s a ruse and we all know it.
Rather than have everyone feel awkward, waiting for a scene from Fatal Attraction to erupt, you’re going to let ole Jack know – he was wrong about you. He doesn’t know you. You’re a new woman. You’re independent of him. You are so over him, it’s not even funny. He meant nothing to you and you’ve got this.
So off you go, through the crowd, weaving your way towards Jack and Cruella. She looks a bit like a deer caught in the headlights and you hear her let off a nervous laugh. Jack has a look of genuine concern on his face.
Again, perfect. This is about to go your way and these two, even though they don’t know it, are going to play right into this.
You’ve arrived. You have a drink in your hand, you’re looking better than you have in years and you’re feeling confident (and if you’re not, fake it). You turn to face Cruella (the new flame should always be approached first). You extend your hand and you introduce yourself, “Hi, I’m Jill. I’m Jacks old girlfriend. It’s very nice to meet you.”
Cruella looks like she’s about to barf on your shoes. And Jack’s heart has stopped, he is now in a catatonic state of disbelief.
Perfect.
Cruella extends her hand and gives you a wimpy handshake. You now turn to face Jack. “Hi Jack, how are you? You look good.” Jack can’t believe his ears. He’s caught off guard and he’s feeling extremely uncomfortable right now.
Perfect.
Jack replies in a soft, confused voice, “Hi Jill, I’m doing well, how about you?”
This is where you begin to shine and radiate white like, like a supernova.
“Oh Jack, I’m doing great! Things at work are going really well and I’ve been very busy lately. There are a lot of good things happening.”
Jack can’t believe his ears. He’s thinking, “What! She doesn’t miss me? She’s not crumbling? She’s not in therapy?” And the next thing that will immediately spring to mind is, “She’s over me. I can’t believe it. And she looks stunning.”
Perfect. But you’re not finished yet.
You now turn to face Cruella once again. And this time . . . sit down, it’s coming. This time, you’re going to compliment Cruella. Yes – you are. You’re going to pick something out that you like (or pretend to like) about something she’s wearing, her hairstyle, her makeup, her shoes, her bag, her jewelry. Pick something out. And then you say to her, “Wow, I really like your __________.” Fill in the blank.
“I really like your haircut, that looks so cute on you.” (Yes, I've used this one before.) Or, “I really love those shoes, where did you get those?” Or, “That’s an awesome bag, is that new?”
Listen for it . . . crickets chirping in the silence.
Pefect. That’s good enough for you. You’re work here is done.
Before you go, you look both of them dead in the eye and you say, “Well, it was really great meeting you Cruella. And Jack, it was really nice to see you. “
And off you go.
Once you’ve done this, the only job you have for the rest of the evening is to circulate this party, laughing, socializing and having a great time. The confidence and positive energy you’re going to be emitting are going to impress everyone who witnessed this.
Including Jack – and yes, even Cruella.
Speaking of Jack and Cruella
Cruella's mind is now racing and she is seriously questioning things. Why? Because chances are, Jack has spent countless hours talking about what a crazy nut job you were. How you were jealous, unreasonable, emotional – a loose cannon, basically. (She expected to see you in a straight jacket, not that hot little black dress you showed up in.)
But now, all of that looks like a bunch of lies to Cruella and she's seriously questioning Jack as a man. She’s not stupid. She’s standing there saying to herself, “She seems nothing like what he said she was. Was he lying to me? Why did he make her look so bad? If it wasn’t her, it must’ve been him. Who the hell am I dating here? Do I even know this guy? Does he say all women are crazy? Will he say I’m crazy if we break up? Will he try to make me look bad, like he’s attempted to do with her?”
Ahhh . . . what’s that? The sweet sound of success.
And wait, what’s this? Jack is now staring at you, hard. His eyes are following you all over as you work the room like a rock star. He’s never seen you in this light before and now he’s thinking, “Wow, maybe I was wrong about her.”
Yea, that’s right Jack. You had me all wrong.
Two weeks later, you hear through the grapevine that Jack and Cruella are no longer together.
And Jack is now ringing your phone.
He gets your ringback tone (please listen to the music until your party is reached) and hears, “Hit the road Jack . . . and don’t you come back, no more, no more, no more, no more.”
And Cruella?
She’s so disappointed in her experience with Jack, that she decides she’s done with men . . . instead, she just adopted 101 Dalmations. (Or cats ;-)
23 Comments:
needless to say you have a very inspiring way of putting things! :) i feel i am attending a sort of "school for smart ladies" whenever i read your blog .. and it feels great. it's a lovely community if i think of it and i like it.
it's a challenge to try and put to practice some of the things you mention in your articles and responses but, even if it seems to have a slow effect, it WORKS! way to go there Mirror :D
it's funny... any woman on this planet is much stronger emotionally than any given man, and yet somehow she loses herself on the most insignificant details until she learns to build herself strong and confident. those are probably the most attractive traits a woman can ever have.
@Miss Sunshine,
I try to keep it fresh and give everybody a glimpse of things from a different perspective - by taking a good, hard look in "the mirror."
Notice I said hard? ;-)
That's because, no, it isn't easy. Change isn't easy, changing isn't easy, and sometimes life's lessons are a bit hard to swallow, as is truth many times.
But in the end, it's for the best and it will enrich you life and help spurn positive growth.
Believe me, I've got plenty of bumps, dings and bruises along the way myself. And the thing to remember is this - none of this is meant to have an immediate effect. It's no "magic pill."
And what I recommend, to make it easier to change and to begin using much of what I suggest here in your life is . . if you can't do it all right away, begin practicing little bits and pieces of it here and there. You'll have some trial and error along the way, that's to be expected. But if you begin making small attempts at new behaviors, you become familiar with them, you become comfortable when them in time.
And as time moves on, you add more to your daily routines and relationships. And you then become comfortable with those. And before you know it, you're there - you've incorporated all of these new behaviors and responses that you are now ultimately comfortable with and begin using regularly, without even having to think about it.
They become part of your natural responses eventually. It's simply a matter of getting comfortable with the change, comfortable with the behavior, comfortable with asserting yourself and comfortable - in your own skin.
You become stronger.
So don't drive yourself mad or get discouraged if you can't make all of these behavioral changes at once . . baby steps, sweetie. Treat it as a gradual build up.
Start small with a few changes here and there. And once you begin to see them working to your advantage and you begin getting comfortable with them - it all just falls into place.
Because honestly, much of what I say here is simply pure logic, common sense. Nothing complicated it you break it down. And much of what I say, even if you don't realize it, actually aligns with what women instinctually feel.
For example, when a guy blows a woman off - she feels insulted. Her gut is saying to her, "He's a creep." But instead of listening to her God given instincts - she tends to make excuses, "Oh he's just stressed is all."
And then I come along and say, "No. He's not stressed. He's a creep." Many women then say, "Yea, you know, that's what I was thinking at first, too."
So you see, you already have the answers many times. But rather than apply logic and follow them - emotions get in the way that blind things.
So when I say, "He's a creep, just leave him" - because this resonates with the woman, as it was the first thing her gut was telling her, she then can align her behaviors with her instincts - and it all becomes rather natural.
Always listen to your gut. And if you're not sure what that is or when it's speaking to you . . . I'll give you a little insight into that.
Your gut is speaking to you in the first 3-5 seconds of a thought. After 3-5 seconds, emotion and rationale move in - and push gut instincts out of the way.
This is how psychics tap in - flashes and quick images and thoughts that pop up for brief seconds and then disappear. They're tapping into gut instincts, and listening to them. While others are out there, rationalizing them away.
Whatever you think about a guy or something he's done - whatever pops into your head in the first 3-5 seconds after - listen to that, it's your gut speaking to you. Don't ignore it.
What I did in my case was flaunt my new awesome boyfriend. :p He was all over me and my ex and his gf got super uncomfortable. :D
@Mirror of aphrodite...I have been reading all your posts and they are simply superb. I don't just read them but try to follow them as well. I read your post on aries male as well..wanted to post a comment, err, rather ask a question there but couldn't...the comment list is too large for my poor cell phone. :/ do you mind if I ask you here?
I really like your advice!!!! What if you are not really ready to introduce yourself? I think I would only be able to smile at them and then keep it moving. What are your thoughts?
@Marcy,
Maybe then a smile and a "Hi, how are you?" would work. But the introduction here is what really knocks the ex outta the park. Without it, the impact is gone.
So when your ex leaves you and he finds out your doing better than him, He regrets it? Say a woman starts a business or something like that?
@Anonymous,
Well, that wasn't necessarily the point. The point was that there was no show of emotion. No freaking out, no melt down, no hurt feelings, no jealousy, etc. And when a man can't get the reaction from a woman that he expects, that tosses him for a loop.
However, to your point, there's an old saying:
"The best revenge is doing well."
Which goes back to the fact that - if you're doing well, that isn't the reaction a man is expecting from a woman after a breakup. So yes, that may toss him for a loop.
You see, when men and women breakup, the man expects the woman to crumble, for her entire world to collapse. Because generally, women when in relationships make their entire world about the man - they lose themselves in a man. Men know this, so when a breakup occurs, they expect to see the woman fall apart - because they know they were her world and know they're gone.
And when a woman stands strong, they don't get the reaction they were expecting and it's a blow to their ego in a sense. They start to question themselves about their decision, wondering why they've had to negative effect on the woman.
A man on one of the articles on this site once said something to the effect of, "that's how I know where to strike to do the most damage."
He didn't say, "that's where I strike to win her heart" he said, "strike to do the most damage."
Men look for a woman's weak spot, her vulnerability, and then they zone in on it. Don't ask me why, they just do. I imagine it has something to do with gaining the upper hand and control. Which is why women need to protect themselves.
But yes, when a woman moves on and does fine - does even better - this tends to eat a man up. It's insulting to his ego for him to think he had no ill effect on her or her well being. So then he begins to question himself and doubt himself.
Again, "Doing well is the best revenge." ~ George Herbert, English clergyman & metaphysical poet (1593 – 1633)
HI,Mirror of aphrodite,i have a burning question,have you got an email address i can ask in private,i have found your advice very helpful,but i am in a situation where by if i don't get the best advice now am going to be a wreck,i have even been feeling a little suicidal i can't sleep all of this over an ex i had a child with,please help
@Anonymous,
I don't answer questions via email or I'd be at it all day long.
Feel free to ask your questions here in the comments section and I will answer them.
I give people the "Anonymous" comment option here because of the sensitive topics discussed on this site. So that readers can feel free to express themselves without judgment, fear of retribution and the receive peace of mind under the guise of anonymity.
So feel free to post your questions and share your story here. That way, you can also receive the support of the large female community here as well - which is something it appears you may be in need of.
As an aside to your mention of feeling suicidal, please, please do everything in your power to wash away those thoughts.
No man, nothing in this universe, is worth giving up the gift of life over. Additionally, you have a child to live for that is much, much more important than any man - and that child needs you very much alive.
Think about your child, not about some stupid man. He's just a man and the world is literally littered with them.
When someone walks away, it's not the end of your story. It's the first chapter in a new one :-)
loved it!! at this point honestly I don't even bother to look at them. I could see that he tries to make me jealous by hugging her and kissing her so i can see.I'm program he is now with someone else. It hurts but to see that his intentions are to hurt me more it shocks me.
Hilarious delivery!
Thank you!
This was a great post, a great site - and I *love* the fact that you, like me, adore Ms. Close.
Hi ,Mirror of aphrodite, I have been reading your post for a few days since I found you here. I love your wise advice. I need your advice for my situation. I recently (two weeks ago on the easter holiday)broke up with the man. We knew each other on dating website. we exchangd a few emails and met up in person. He gave me a good impression by his mature attitude and the way express his opinion. He is a sales manager and good at communication. We been dating every week or every other week. He did not call me every day, normally only call me to arrange a date with me. I did not call him at all for the first couple of months. I let him to lead. He only dated me on the weekend and gave us a few hours for dinner and talk. He never show any intimacy to me. Then two months later, he invited me to his friend's engagement party and introduced me to all his friends. He asked me to stay over night in the city with him on that night. I did not. Later round he told me that all his friends like me, and he was happy with that. Since then, he seems a little distant. We did not meet for 3 weeks. He was on a business trip for a week. The folloiwng weekend When he came back the from the trip and told me he catched a cold. I tired to call him and invited him to my place for dinner. He was glad to come over and he kissed me first time and everythng just happened. I was not very happy that he left that night, but he said he will stay next time. The following friday, we met up with his friend, later he drove me home, I did not invite him to my place as he kept telling me he will be busy with his own thing the next day. I don't like he just has sex with me and go. I prefer he can stay over night with me. i saw he was disappointed. He said he was going to call me but didn't. He sent me message a week later said hi. I told him that i was worried. He aplogised. The coming Friday is easter friday. He said we would meet durng easter holiday. We met up on Easter Day, he seems more distant but he paid a nice dinner. He drove me home and came to my place, we were initmate but his yrs old son messaged him to pick him up as he was drunk. He aplologied and said he would contact me next morning. After he left, i felt so upset, i called him 4 times until mid night, and he did not answer. next monring, he called and apologied and insisited he had no other woman. I was very upset with this and said to him ' if SORRY is the only word that you can say to me, then that is it". He said ok. I complained that he did not treat me properly as a girlfriend. He said family is aways number one for him. If you are not happy with me, maybe i am not suit you. I was really upset by he not caring about me. Since then , we have no contact at all. Do you think he will contact me later or we are over? Pleaes help. Sorry for this long story.
if a man did not contact me for over 2 weeks since we had the first time argument, that mean we are over?
Hello Mirror of Aphrodite,
You say some really great stuff to so many people and now i am hoping you can shed some light on my situation.
My girlfriend went on a two-week trip and got back in early January of 2013. when she got back she broke of with me, telling me she needed time and that she does want a relationship with me right now. Said that i should go and meet women and that she wanted to go out and see other people, to laugh, etc. She said that it was not a break up but just a vacation so she could sort things out herself. Her reasons for the break kept changing. She said she was confused and i guess she was. I will not go into everything she said, but i am pretty sure you know what her real reason was. the point is that it has been 4 months and i still cant seem to get over her. I think about her all the time, (not necessarily in a positive way) even though i know that the relationship is over and i need to move on.I want to move on but it is hard to just let go. I know that time will heal my wounds, which run deep. I just learned that she is seeing a guy who i know very well and who i have worked with in the past. Her, her new guy and I are in the same circle of people so i will definitely run into her and him in the near future. I know that she and him will get tight because he does some of the things i do and those are things that she missed with me, that mean a lot to her, and that she is interested in. All of the opportunities that i felt we could have capitalized on, i know that she is going to explore with this guy because she live in area close to him and in the part of town where what we all do is needed. I feel a sense of jealousy and anger.I do not call her and she does not call me. I'm fine with that. However since i learned about her new guy and who he is, i started to have heavy anxiety again. I believe that she was sizing this guy up while our relationship was getting worse.How do I deal with this state of being, how should proceed now knowing who her new guy is. Should I confront her? I am not sure that she knows i know what is going on, but there is a possibility that she might know since many of the people she now associates with are my friends,or friends of my good friends. she has to know that word will eventually get around to me, since i am well known in that community. How should i act when i come across the two of them. It is only a matter of time when i will.
looking forward to hearing from you soon. Really need your advice.
@Anonymous Male,
No, don't confront her. It will place you in a position of weakness by exposing your angst over the situation.
When you see them, you take the high road as discussed in this article. Read the article and reverse the roles - you're Jill and she's Jack ;-)
Very interesting post. I recently ran into an ex after not seeing her for a few months (she dumped me to go back to her ex). It was at a weekend event and I was with another girl, my ex wasn't there with anybody (I know my ex saw me with her). The next morning I was alone and I rant into my ex at breakfast. It was awkward for her, but I took the high road. She told me she had recently gotten a new job and I told her that I was very happy for her and that she deserved such a wonderful opportunity and wished her well. I could tell she was very surprised to hear this. I ran into her last week (3 weeks after the above mentioned conversation) at a high school alum event. When I saw her across the room, she gave me a huge smile. Later when she was walking to her car, she stopped and walked back to join in a conversation I was having with a friend of ours. My buddy and I were meeting up with some other mutual friends but since she had to be up early for work she said she couldn't come. However, as we got to the restaurant I saw her pull up and she ended up joining us. She didn't ask me much about myself, (I kept the conversation light and just asked her about her work). Anyway, I think my ex is single again and I am single as well (not sure if my ex knows that). I'm wondering if my ex's behavior (the second time I saw her) indicates that she may be open to hanging out again. Even though she dumped me, I still have feelings for her. What is your interpretation of everything and how should I proceed? Look forward to hearing back from you.
@Anonymous Male,
Being a woman and putting myself into her shoes, I'd say the fact that she showed up after stating she'd be unable to join you is a good sign. Because if it were me and this was an ex that I had no further interest in, I would've never even gone, let alone showed up after stating I couldn't go. Which tells me that she decided to rethink the situation - and make an unannounced appearance.
As for how to proceed, that's a tough one because I'm not sure of the history here. However, I think it's safe to proceed as "friends" right now. Meaning, casually invite her along to join you and friends on outings and see if she bites. If she does, start spending time with her and paying some special attention to her and wait for "green lights" from her reactions (if she's open to this special treatment).
If your gut tells you that she's open to your advances, after a few outings with friends, I think it'd be safe to ask her on a date, with just the two of you.
@Anonymous Male,
When she shows up don't pressure or force anything. Relax let it happen naturally and vibe from her let her define the interaction a bit that's what I would do. That way you don't push her boundaries and you give her a low pressure situation.
She is turning up which for me means do as MOA says and treat is at friends for now.During the interaction watch how she is. If she flirts then flirt back, if she gives you good signs then do so yourself. Look for the green lights as MOA says.
But be very careful, I have seen this go the wrong way. As MOA said without knowing the full history it's hard to know if she is interested or has another agenda. So be ready for something different to happen. I'm not saying be negative but just keep it in mind. Other than that do what MOA says.
Personally I have never wanted to be with an ex again and none are friends with me at this time. I have had some women I have dated try to be friends but it's rarely the same again. So I tend to move from these kinds of situations a bit, but I wish you best of luck.
Thanks MOA and Peter for your feedback.
To be honest, I have no idea what her deal is. Everything was great when we were dating...and then she went back to her ex out of the blue (I had no idea he was even in the picture)...makes me wonder if I was a rebound. I did make one play to get her back using romance (which I absolutely love)...but it wasn't well received. I guess that's why I was so surprised that she showed up. Like Peter, I never look back when it comes to relationships. However, this girl has such an awesome personality that I would like to give it another shot.
Does the above mentioned info change anything for you guys?
@Anonymous Male
"Everything was great when we were dating...and then she went back to her ex out of the blue (I had no idea he was even in the picture)...makes me wonder if I was a rebound"
Yes this tells you what you need to know..she was first of all most likely in contact with this guy while she was with you. That's a red flag she can't be trusted.Second yes that to me IMO indicates you were a rebound to some extent.
MOA may have different view but I believe NC and letting her no the consequences of her actions are the right way to go. If you allow back into your life she will continue to treat you this way.
A lot of the advice on this site works both ways so I suggest reading these:
http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html
http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html
Read these then follow the suggestions given. MOA may have different ideas but I think given that new information, that this is the way to go.
@Anonymous Male,
It's a personal decision as to whether or not to grant this woman trust and move forward. And you need to take time and commitment into consideration. Meaning, how long did you date? If it was for two weeks and amounted to two or three dates and then she went back to her ex, then she was fairly entitled to do so as there were no commitments or exclusivity in place. However, if you were dating for several months or a year and then suddenly she left for her ex, then yea, that's a broken commitment.
Each situation is individual and it's really your interest level along with your determination as to whether or not she can be trusted that will ultimately determine the effort and time you decide to put into this woman.
If you do decide to proceed, be wary, take it slow and observe her behavior. She's done it once so it could happen again. Don't give more than you're getting in return until she's proved that she's genuinely interested as well.
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