Man or woman, being treated like crap stinks. Being taken for granted makes you feel unworthy. And both combined cause self doubt to begin to grow in the dark recesses of one's mind.
All of the above happens a lot in the world of dating, to men and women both. So let's explore the concept of "consequence." Because I think it's one that people fail to realize the value of these days.
When men (and/or women) misbehave and treat you badly, you need to learn to stop trying to carry the weight of a struggling relationship on your shoulders and instead get comfortable saying "no" and letting these guys (girls) live with the consequences of their decisions and bad behavior.
You Need To Take Their Crap - And "Stick It" To Them - Like Glue
Ever hear the term, "growing pains?" Yea, they hurt. They're supposed to. That's what makes the message stick. That's what makes you a better person. That's how you learn life's lessons. That's what stops you from treating another human being poorly again. That's what stops you from making the same mistakes in life.
This is also how you raise children. You equip them with the coping skills they're going to need in life by letting them experience the consequences of their actions. Because let's face it, life is suffering. Bad things are going to happen. And you need to develop the coping skills to deal with these bad things that happen in life in order to survive them.
And the only way to do that - is to walk through the fire.
When you constantly swoop in to protect your children from anything bad or the consequences of their behavior - you're actually doing them a great injustice. They're not going to develop the coping skills they're going to need in life to be successful at it - and they're going to end up on your doorstep with all their belongings in a garbage bag by the age of 30.
Why? Because bad things have happened that they didn't know how to cope with. So they handled it poorly and ran from it rather than walk through it. Much like you taught them to do by showing them early in life that when bad things happen, you run home to mom (and/or dad) and she (he) protects you and makes it all go away.
So you spend an eternity and your life's savings bailing them out, again, and again, and again, and again. And they go on, making the same mistakes, making the same bad decisions, over, and over, and over again - because they've never learned their lesson. They've never had to live with the consequences of their behavior and it becomes a repetitive, vicious cycle.
Men are much the same, ladies, and constantly overlooking their bad behavior, making excuses for them and tolerating it - ignites this vicious cycle into a blazing inferno.
And guess what? Women are the same. So for any men reading this, this applies to you as well, when you encounter a woman that isn't treating you well. You see, we're all only human. If we were perfect, we'd all be Gods - not human beings.
Step Out Of The Line Of Fire
When you step out of the line of fire, and you let someone suffer the consequences of their bad behavior and decisions in life - you're actually doing a good thing - you're helping them grow as a person and learn valuable lessons in life that will make them better people in the long run.
So if you're man (or woman) is treating you like crap, taking advantage of you, not following through with things, bailing on you or rejecting you or saying he needs space or he doesn't want a relationship - whatever it is he's saying he needs or he's doing - you "stick it" to him, like glue, the consequences of his own actions and behavior.
And you step out of the line of fire - and you make him (her) walk right through it.
When a man (or woman) says they need space, you give it to them. When they stand you up for a date, you make them live with it. When they don't call when they say they will, you make them live with that decision. And when you do that, you're actually helping them and you learn a valuable lesson.
What's The Valuable Lesson You're Learning?
You're learning to say "no" comfortably. Not only are you helping them, you're helping yourself, too. There are many, many times in life when it's necessary, to protect yourself from being hurt and used, to just say "no." "No, I'm not going to tolerate this type of treatment." "No, this is not okay with me." "No, I'm not going to overlook this." "No, I'm not going to bail you out again." "No, this is not acceptable."
Get comfortable with that. Because you're going to need it someday.
Setting boundaries for how you want to be treated in life and in dating is very necessary if you want to have a happy, healthy relationship with someone who respects you. When you let everything be a free-for-all in dating and in life, you get chaos in return. You get depression, suffering, pain, indecision, confusion, desperation and turmoiled emotions. Who wants to live like that? Who deserves to live like that? No one.
When you set boundaries you get health, well being and balance. You get happiness, success, crystal clear vision, strong decision making skills, confidence and respect - you grow dignity, you become enlightened.
I'm Going To Share A Story With You
This is an example of how this is done in a respectful manner to all involved. And I hope that you can see the magic in the message here.
This is a text exchange between a man and a woman. The man set a date for a Saturday here, and then disappeared the Tuesday prior to the date. He reappeared the following Wednesday. Eight attempts at contact were made prior to this response finally being sent:
MAN: "My moms been in the hospital, she's been sick. I'm sorry I've been out of touch. I would like to see you."
WOMAN: Silence, no response
MAN: Sends the same communication 7 more times over the course of 3 days.
WOMAN: Silence, no response
MAN: On the third day says, "Did you get any of my texts or emails?"
WOMAN: On the third day finally responds with this, "Yes, I did. However, regretfully, I'm turned off now. We had a date last Saturday. I'm sorry to hear about your mother and I wish her well. However, that's no excuse to take someone for granted and assume they'll still be there when you couldn't even take 30 seconds of your time to extend the courtesy of a quick cancellation notification. It's disappointing. I value myself and I strongly believe that the man I chose to be with should value me, too. I'm sorry this didn't pan out. I hope your mom's okay and I wish you well. Take care."
MAN: "I understand. I had to take her and I didn't have my phone. Your number was available to me at the time and I apologize. I'm sorry and disappointed in myself for blowing my chance and I deeply regret it. I wish you the best. Take care. And if you ever need someone to talk to, I'd love to at least be your friend. Again, I'm truly sorry."
As you can see from the exchange above, the man is now forced to live with the consequences of his actions and bad decision. He attempted to manipulate the woman by using his mother's illness as an excuse here - and failed miserably at it.
The simple fact of the matter is this: This man was not without his phone for the entire 4 days leading up to their Saturday date.
At some point in those 4 days leading up to their Saturday date, he had access to his phone and 30 seconds to call or send a text explaining what had happened and that he had to cancel. But he chose not to do that. That was his decision. And now, he'll experience the consequences of it and hopefully, he'll learn his lesson and think twice before ever doing that to another woman again. And if that doesn't happen, he'll make the same mistake over and over until he gets it right. That's how life works.
And that's how life works for you too, ladies. If you keep tolerating poor treatment, disrespect and bad behavior from a man - you, too, will keep suffering the consequences of your bad decisions. You will keep being taken for granted, you will keep receiving the same excuses from the man, you will keep being disrespected and you will experience pain, confusion, low self esteem and sorrow - all because of your actions and choices. You will only have yourself to blame.
There's an old saying, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again - and expecting different results."
You see, the woman here, she protected herself while instilling a valuable lesson in him. She is becoming comfortable with saying "no" and looking out for herself. Because had she accepted the less than honest explanation he provided, there's a very high likelihood that he would've disappeared on her again - making the same mistake in the very near future - because he hadn't learned his lesson and wasn't forced to live with the consequences of his decision.
Instead, this woman will feel very good about herself, very proud of herself, for looking out for herself as she should. Had she overlooked this bad decision of his she'd have suffered the consequences for it. She'd have most likely experienced this type of treatment from him again. She would've beat herself up, felt bad about herself and suffered from low self esteem and self doubt.
But instead, she comes out of this bad experience unscathed, proud, strong and dignified.
She remained cool, calm, collected and respectful. She didn't over react, freak out or become emotional. She was very matter of fact in her communication to him. As a result, she received a heart felt apology from him and he showed remorse for his decision. He became accountable for his actions.
When a man uses words like "deeply regret," words men don't often use - it's because he actually does feel that way. And this is a good thing. The woman here won't feel bad for him or make excuses for him because - it's how he should feel. He's human too. He should feel bad and remorseful when he treats another human being unfairly or with disregard. This woman knows that she's also doing a favor here for other women. This man will think twice before treating another woman like this in the future - and taking the risk of losing her.
And you know what? He'll be back. Why? Because once he absorbs this lesson, he'll soon realize that he's only human, and that he hurts like the rest of us. He'll feel guilty, he'll have had plenty of time to think, and he'll do what most human beings that have gone through the fire eventually do - return to set things right again.
That's when, as a human being, you do what I call a "complete 360." You turn 360 degrees in your thinking and in your behavior - you grow from the experience and you change as a result.
The man now understands the woman's boundaries. He now knows what is and what is not acceptable treatment towards her. He now knows that she values herself enough to look out for herself when need be, and walk away if she has to.
That's strength. Raw, pure, unadulterated strength.
Admirable qualities in a human being. They're the kind of qualities that people respect you for. And when this man makes his attempt at setting things right, he'll have a whole new perspective on this woman. One that includes respect and admiration - and one that will make him treat her with such from that day forward, should she decide to give him one more chance (a month or more later).
When dating, do yourself and the people you're dating a big favor - and get comfortable saying "no."
"What matters most is how well you walk through the fire." ~ Charles Bukowski
That's what matters.