Mirror, Mirror on the wall - where did he go, why hasn't he called?

Dating: When, Why, How, To Use No Contact





There are many dating rules out there, but it’s the tried and true ones, the old fashioned traditional ways of doing things, that really do work, which is why certain rules have held true and lasted over the years.

One of those rules happens to be the No Contact Rule. In this handy little guide, I’m going to explain to you the how, when and why’s of this rule: how to use no contact, when to use no contact and why to use no contact when dating. Because this handy little dating rule serves more than just one purpose and has more than just one use.

I’m going to be speaking to the ladies here, but men, this applies to you as well. But I don’t have to tell you that. You guys are well versed in this dating rule and put it to use regularly. But for those men who may not be familiar with it, read on.

When And Why To Use The No Contact Rule When Dating


When A Man Suddenly Disappears On You

No Contact is a handy little trick to attempt to lure someone back to you – by disappearing on THEM. As most women already know, powerful attraction builds for a man that suddenly, and without warning, disappears. Why? Because you begin to think about them constantly.

Where did he go? Is there someone else? Why did he disappear? It doesn’t matter if all the thinking taking place is actually negative in nature, it only matters that all that thinking is actually taking place.



Why?

Because when someone thinks about you constantly, it actually creates intense attraction for them. Playing hard to get works, ladies, which is why it’s another one of those good ole’ fashioned rules that’s stuck around. Psychologically, people tend to want what they can’t have. It’s called the Law of Scarcity and it works in economics and in relationships.

It’s a scientific fact – uncertainty heightens romantic attraction. So if you’re worried he’ll think you’re not interested and then be gone for good, don’t bother thinking that. That’s just your insecurities talking, that’s just you thinking you’re not good enough. But YOU ARE good enough. Have faith in yourself that you’re worth it – and that he thinks you are, too. Don’t sell yourself short because how you perceive yourself – is how others will perceive you as well.

You see, when he’s uncertain as to whether or not you really like him, it’s actually a good thing. It keeps him interested. It keeps him coming around. It makes him want to win you over. It makes him work harder at the relationship. All those things it does to you when it happens to you – it does to him as well.

When a man disappears on you and you worry that he may be gone for good - when he resurfaces suddenly, do you kick him to the curb? Nope. Well, it works the same for men, gals. When you disappear on them suddenly and without warning and then you resurface out of nowhere, they’re unlikely to kick you to the curb. Rather, nine times out of ten, the individual is thrilled you’ve returned.

Men know this, ladies. They use this dating rule regularly – on YOU.

When You Want Your Ex Back

This handy dandy little dating rule can also be used to lure an ex back into your tangled web. If you’ve overwhelmed your ex with neediness, emotional displays, tons of questions about his feelings for you, anger and frustration and, as a result, he dumped you and now you want him back - employ the rule of no contact immediately. Why? To make him think he was wrong about you - and to make him miss you.

Why?

Because men are human too, ladies. They miss people and they’ll miss you when you suddenly disappear and they’re ringing your phone and texting you and you’re not answering or responding to them. That’s when the roles gets reversed and now THEY’RE thinking about YOU constantly. And all that thinking, negative or not, is actually going to create an intense attraction for you. The point is to stay away so long that the man actually begins to “long” for you.

Men equate “longing” for someone with love, ladies.

To Get Over A Man

Yep, the no contact rule is truly a handy dandy little rule with lots of uses. And the last use is to help you get over a bad breakup with a man – to help you emotionally detach from him. Why do you want to detach from him? So you can move on, think about him less, and allow room to meet other men and cease the unhealthy obsessive thought patterns and embarrassing behavior that ultimately, only makes you feel worse about yourself and helpless.

Why?

You see, when you desperately hang on, when you remain in communication with an ex, you’re doing yourself a big injustice. You’ll never get over him if you’re still communicating with him. So do yourself a big ole’ favor here and stop doing that, right now.

If you want the pain to go away, ladies – you have to make HIM go away, because he IS your pain.

How To Use The No Contact Rule When Dating


When A Man Suddenly Disappears On You OR When You Want Your Ex Back

Generally, the no contact rule is a 30 day rule. How to do this is, when a guy suddenly disappears on you without warning or breaks up with you and you want him to notice you again, you get his attention by suddenly disappearing on HIM – you make him experience the consequences.

It’s what’s best for him and you. That’s how you learn lessons in life, that’s how you learn not to repeat your mistakes and that’s how you experience personal growth and develop coping skills. And yes, they call them “growing pains” for a reason – they hurt. So expect it to hurt and brace yourself for a wonderful period of self-awareness and personal growth.

You disappear for 30 days. You do not take his calls. You do not respond to his texts. You do not communicate with him via social media. You do not communicate or respond at all, period, for 30 days. You stay gone and all he hears are crickets chirping in the dead of night.

After not hearing from you or receiving a response from you for 30 days, he'll begin to think this . . watch the video below, a song called "Madness" by Muse, and pay close attention to what this man is doing in these lyrics here - he's THINKING - about the WOMAN, and what HE did WRONG and how he's now READY to face the fact that he needs to LOVE:


Some woman most likely pulled "no contact" on his ass there.

So then, after a 30 day time period (30 days from the time you decided to use the no contact rule) and lots of time for him to think, you suddenly and without warning – resurface. And you do so by either:

1.) Finally responding to a question from one of his last communications (if he’s asked one)

2.) Simply saying, “Hello, how are you?”

And when communication is reinstated – you keep it short and sweet. You don’t share your emotions, you don’t cry, you don’t text back and forth like lightening for 5 hours and you don’t have long, drawn out 3 hour telephone conversations in an attempt to hash things out. You play it cool. You’re busy, you’re independent, you’re confident and you have a life. You “check in” is all. You make small talk and nothing more.

And from that point forward, you play it cool. You take an hour or so to respond to texts. You return calls a day or so later. You don’t accept last minute date requests, he has to make plans with you 3 days in advance or – you’ve already made plans (even if you haven’t, you pretend as if you have – remember, you have a life and you want to give him the impression that you’re busy, healthy and others desire your time as well). This is how you set healthy boundaries, earn respect and get him to treat you with fairness and kindness.

If he’s started out after the no contact period correctly but then suddenly relapses into bad behavior again, then you employ “behavioral mirroring” with him. If he disappears on you for 3 days, you don’t respond for 3 days. If he takes 24 hours to answer a text, you take 24 hours to respond. If he says he’ll call and he doesn’t, when he does, you don’t answer it and you respond to it 3 to 5 days later. And if he really begins misbehaving and taking you for granted again – you employ the no contact rule all over again for 30 days. This is how you create fairness and balance in a relationship and how you hold your own and you don’t get plowed over again.

This is how you earn a man’s respect, ladies. If you’re a pushover, then that’s exactly what he’s going to do to you – push you over.

When You Need To Get Over A Man Or A Breakup

Breakups hurt, rejection hurts. And most times, they hurt women more than men because of all the emotions women are capable of having that men are not. Men don’t analyze things or beat themselves up. Men PROJECT their emotions – outward and onto others. Women ABSORB their emotions – and beat themselves up.

If you want the pain to go away, you need to walk through those emotions and accept the reality. The only way to get rid of the pain is to feel the pain, to work through it and to learn to cope with your emotions in a healthy manner. To make that process much easier for yourself, you employ the no contact rule.

You do not, under any circumstances, communicate with the man. If you do, you’ll have to experience the consequences of your OWN decisions here – you’ll experience pain again, because you’ve permitted it. So you ignore his calls, you don’t respond to his texts, you remove him from any of your social media profiles and you put the past in the past.

If you remain in contact with your ex, you’ll never heal and you’ll continue to experience the hurt. You must cease contact for your own good. If you want the pain to go away, get rid of the pain – he IS your pain - and you need to get rid of him.

This will help you to think of him less and less as the days go on. You will begin to detach from him and from all of the negative emotions and damaging thought processes. You will no longer feel the intense desire to cling to him or to reach out to him. You will begin to feel better about yourself and you will begin to make room in your life for a new man – one that treats you with respect and kindness.

Using the no contact rule to get over a man - helps you to actually get over him.

And there you have it, a handy dandy little guide to employing the no contact rule properly when dating. There are many times in life ladies, that you must learn to say “no” and actually take responsibility for your own happiness and stop blaming the man when it’s actually YOU permitting this unhappiness. If you want things to change – then YOU have to change. You have to learn to be happy, with or without a man, and you need to stop living under the false impression that you need a man to make you happy.

Your happiness doesn’t come from a man, it comes from within yourself - and you radiate it, like warm sunshine.

So get comfortable with the phrases below:

“No, I won’t tolerate this.”

“No, this is unacceptable.”

“No, I won’t permit you to treat me like this”

“No, I will not be available to you when you treat me with disrespect and take me for granted.”

It’s Simple Gals


If you don’t look out for yourself and treat yourself with respect, then why would anyone else? Men want sex. Women want romance. So the best (and only) way for a man to have sex with you – is to romance you. Period, case closed. It’s a tradeoff, and a fair and equal one at that.

So make them do that, ladies: No romance = no sex. It’s simple.

Learn to say “no” and set healthy boundaries in your relationships and you will actually find that you will begin to feel empowered. You will develop a healthy self-esteem. You will feel confident. You will signal to men that you need to be treated with respect. You will grow dignity. You will find that you worry less and less about impressing a man – and you become more and more focused on a man impressing YOU (romancing you).

You have something he wants (sex): Make him work for it (romance).

Do that and you will be happy. You will be treated with respect and kindness. Give it away for free and you’ll be taken for granted by a man who never wants to lift a finger for you or impress you or give you what you need (romance).

This is not game playing, ladies. This is setting healthy boundaries for yourself, looking out for yourself and earning respect for yourself – and making a man treat you with such.

And here’s the harsh reality, ladies. Recent studies have shown that the modern day woman kisses approximately 75 frogs before finding her Prince Charming. So realize that when you stand your ground and demand respect, lazy men, users, and players seeking sex for free will walk away from you. But that’s a good thing because you’re weeding your way through the worthless ones that would’ve only hurt you anyway.

So if 74 frogs leap away from you – realize that the 75th is on his way to you.

It’s the good ole’ fashioned way of doing things. Back in the day, they called it courting. Try it, it works.

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1733 Comments:

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K. Na said...

Can you use No Contact when you want your Ex boyfriend back who left to be with another woman? : (

Also what if he doesn't contact after 30 days...? Do we initiate contact or move on?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@K. Na,
No contact will only really work if the man is contacting you or if you're seeing him and you decide to disappear and begin to use it for whatever reason (he's acting up, treating you poorly, taking you for granted, etc.)

If he doesn't contact you, then you move on. If a man genuinely likes you, he'll seek you out.

However, should he reappear someday (and most of them do), you can employ no contact by not answering and then waiting to respond.

Anetra said...

How do I practice no contact if we work together? I'd love to try this.

Anonymous said...

Here here!!! another great article !! Thanks Mirror !!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anetra,
Well that's going to be a tad bit difficult for obvious reasons. Honestly, I'm not sure if it's possible or not because I'm not sure what the setting at work is. Meaning, is he right in your face or is he in the same building is all.

The best I think I could suggest here is to practice it with the phone calls and texts and then when you're at work, attempt to avoid him. Not blatently, but just be busy somewhere else in the office as much as possible. And if he approaches you to speak there, just be short and make excuses like, "I can't speak right now, I'm very busy, I have to go. We'll talk later."

But "later" never comes - at least for 30 days.

Just Wondering said...

How does a "No Contact Rule" works if he is a Taurus and he is a "Come Hither" kind of guy?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Just Wondering,
I don't think this tactic matters much with regards to the zodiac sign . . it's psychological - it's a "human" thing that no contact taps into.

Works on men and women both.

And come hither men, Taurus men, will still take action (all men take action at some point in time). They go after what they want. It's just that they make sure they're going to be successful by putting a lot into it, leading up to it. By spending time around the women, getting a feel for them, finding out what they want, what they want to hear, etc.

And then taking action and moving in on them, using everything he's learned, spoon feeding them what they want and what they want to hear. (Which is why sextrology has coined their motto as "I WILL". . . .have you in the palm of my hand.) They use what they've learned about the woman by hanging out with her to manipulate her.

Anonymous said...

Great article, thanks so much for posting! How long does it normally take a guy to reach out to me again after he disappeared? I'm swiss and this whole disappearing thing is totally new to me and any help and advice is greatly appreciated:) Thank you!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
There are no real set time frames we can use to predict one's actions, however, I've noticed that reappearances tend to occur at either two weeks, one month, two months, 3 months, 6 months or one year.

I've even had them resurface after two or three years, LOL.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I'm dealing with a man who is doing the "No Contact" thing. I'm always thinking about him cause he disappeared on me without warning. He came back out of no where. I read your other articles about the disappearing man and the Taurus. I don't know his sign but, how do I stop thinking about him? It is hard, and he is good at this. I feel like chasing him, but I know its bad and when I date other men I always compare them to him. I don't want to think about him anymore.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
If you don't want to think about him anymore, then you use no contact on HIM. Start tomorrow and tell yourself you will not speak to this man, answer a text or a respond to a call for 30 days. No matter how many attempts he makes.

And you will see, as the days and weeks go by, he'll occupy less and less of your head space.

After the 30 days, see how you feel. See if you even still want him and then proceed accordingly from there.

Anonymous said...

plz tell me mirrior .....

I wish i had seen this site b4 meeting this taurus guy i am seeing.We met in september and things have been great but one thing i dont get it that he doesnt make an effort to see me at all because initially i made a mistake of always going to see him.he introduced me to his family and friends.Last week he disappeared for three days and since then he resurfaced after the third day and since then he is been calling and asking if the is something wrong.I dont answer immdediately i take time and the responce is always sweet and short.I feel i didnt give him a chance to be the man of the relationship was always being there for him.How do i move my relationship further

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
I think you just need to stop taking the lead and sit back and let him step into that position. Let him ask to see you, let him ask for dates and let him initiate the contact.

Anonymous said...

Hey, very informative articles! I have a question for you. I had an interesting situation with a man. Its been a long and twisty story since last march, but I'll cut to the end. We had seen each other on occasion with occasional phone calls and texts. It was going very slow. I knew that he had other "friends" and got nervous if I didn't hear from him and would usually text "hi" after hearing nothing for a week. Then he would call say we should do something, then fall off the face of the earth again. And this would repeat until finally we had made a plan. We had a great date, we really connected, and he stayed at my place from 11 pm to 6 pm the next day, we danced, shared stories and fell asleep holding each other. When he left, He left saying he had such a good time, and that he was making list of movies for us to watch, leaving with something I'd lent him. Then nothing, I texted, he said he was crazy busy, that he'd have more time after. I didn't hear from him for three weeks after, so I e-mailed him to get my stuff back, he texted a week later, at the end saying he had wanted to keep in contact, he then called, and we saw each other shortly after. It was another amazing time, this time at his place, we were truly smitten and connecting again it was written all over both our faces the shy yet exuberant excitement. I slept there and woke up to him holding my hand. We hung out more that day until we left and parted ways in the afternoon. A couple weeks later we had another outing, he was a bit more aloof at first which I thought was strange since we'd had such great fun the last time, then it eased up and by the time we parted ways,he said we should do this more often. I suggested a day, but he was seeing someone else then, but maybe he could cancel. Never heard back, texted a hello a couple weeks later. The next day I get a text saying he just wants a friendly relationship, but truly enjoyed everything we'd done, and he was ready to do more of that if I wanted. I was confused and didn't answer. I was out on a date at the end of that week, he happened to be on a date at the next table.. he saw me, and called me, and texted me the next day to see if I wanted to go out. I was already out and missed them both and didn't respond. That following week I was out late one night, and noticed when I got home that I had pocket dialed him super super late, my heart sank into my stomach. Its been about 3 weeks since and I haven't contacted him, I haven't heard from him either. I was hoping he would try again, should I initiate contact with him at this point, to open the door for him to do that?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Initiate contact if you can handle a no strings attached situation - that you'll never expect a relationship out of.

Because he's clearly keeping his options open and dating other women. I hate to say this, but you're in his "rotation" and when your turn comes up, that's when you hear from him. Which is why there are long breaks in between communications. And it sounds like in between his rotation, he's actually seeing someone (and I imagine she's clueless about his "rotation" of women).

If you want something casual, go for it (although I don't believe "casual sex" for women exists - women bond through sex and ultimately become attached and want more).

If you want a relationship, forget it and walk away. He's not ready for one nor does it sound like he desires one.

Anonymous said...

Hi mirror of aphrodite,

My name is Mariana. Im a 27 year old latino godess:) dealing with a 36 year old boy for 8 months. I thought the age diffrence would help but they all babies. This boy is driving me crazy. He seem to be really into me even was saying im a be his wife then he start telling me he been feeling depressed and sad but that is not about me n he miss me. He said his job be having him feeling crazy. He a aries and I heard they are like that. Plus he have a disease that can make him depressed.I backed off for some days but then i didnt want to seem like i dont care so I call him. He did not answer. Then after a few more days I got mad and wanted to meet with him to tell him I was done so I send a text saying I want to talk to you, when r u free? He didnt respond.Two weeks later he texed me saying he talking about how glad he is that we are friends. I took this like he trying to be smart ass because he asked me to be his girlfriend before all this BS happen and I said no because I wasnt ready. So I respond saying great. Thank u. Then I text him a couple days later saying that I want to come over and talk to him and he told me that he traveled and would let me know when he come back.I left a message on his phone saying if you dont want to be with me just tell me. He didnt say nothing. So I started the no contact rule. I love him and want to be with him but i dont know whats wrong with him? What u think about this? sorry is so long i just had to tell u so you know everything. You think he still love me?

Anonymous said...

Hi, i decided to break up with my boyfriend because i went through his msgs with his ex and he told her that he doesn't have a girlfriend meanwhile he asked me out and i accepted after three months, but i never told him, i just stopped contacting him and he did the same. After two months he chatted me up like though nothing happened and i didn't reply till he tried calling me.he was my first kiss. do you think he's worth the relationship or does he really like me?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Mariana,
I don't know about this one, honey. He sounds real sketchy and shady. All that BS talk and all those disappearances are not good signs. He's either seeing other women, he's married, living with someone, is a drug dealer or a drug addict - whatever it is, I think he's up to no good. Especially since he doesn't offer an explanation. He's doing something he doesn't WANT you to KNOW about.

And I wouldn't believe anything he's telling you because his actions say otherwise.

When a man's actions (or anyone's for that matter) don't align with their words - it's BS.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec. 7, 2:59AM,
I'm not sure about this one. Just because you accepted a date from him doesn't make him your boyfriend. He's only your boyfriend if:

1) You both have exchanged "I love you"
2) He's asked for a commitment
3) He's agreed to be exclusive

If none of those three things took place, you can't consider a man your boyfriend. So I'm not sure if what he told her was a lie, or was just the reality as he saw it.

However, based on the fact that he disappeared after that and didn't seek you out - it seems he may only be "half interested."

I'd be careful with this one.

Anonymous said...

I just want to say you are REALLY GOOD! Thanks for all the advices to all of us, especially clueless or newbies like me in this dating world! :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Thank you - I've been in the "trenches" navigating landmines longer than I care to admit, LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the great article. My boyfriend and I have broken up 2 months ago. Our reason of breakup is about incompatibility issues that I've always argued about and he has gone tired of it - which i know, is my own fault. He told me he loves me still during the day he said he wanted an "off". I pleaded, I begged, I bombarded him with apologies and how much I regret everything I have done and said. Then I stopped when I felt like, texting him and getting no replies hurt me more. My question is, is it too late for me to do No contact rule if I have done the "no-no" begging? Yesterday was our anniversary too, and before that, he has told my friend that if I didn't bombard him during those times, we could still be together by now if I have just waited for him to come to me... Is it too late for me? what should I do? ----------Jojo

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Sure, anything is possible. But not overnight or from one or two instances. The no contact in this case might have to be for a month if not two.

He really needs some serious space. And in this instance, you need to make him come to you. So even if he does contact you, you need to not respond for a month - possibly two here.

Give him plenty of space, plenty of time to think - and he may miss you.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much! I hope this will really help. And by the way, today is my birthday, and I would consider this as a gift! :) Thank you. ---And oh, he greeted me with a simple birthday text, and just replied a simple thank you just 3 hours after receiving it. :) ----jojo

Anonymous said...

I have been in an online long distance relationship with a Capricorn guy (I'm a Taurus)for a year now. We met last October on IMVU and started out as friends, and then in December we exchanged phone numbers and Skype info and started 'dating.' We're both into BDSM so it's a consensual master/slave relationship and basically we've been trying to meet but he lives in Washington state and I live in Florida and so far we haven't been able to successfully meet because both of us have our own financial difficulties. Anyway we decided in January of this year to be exclusive even though we haven't met yet and I was supposed to go see him on the 28th of this month. I bought a plane ticket and everything...but I digress..he doesn't have a job and he lives with his parents so he isn't in any position to travel or anything. I should also add that he's bipolar so he has these weird mood swings. One day he'll be affectionate and sweet and then bam he ignores me for a week. I'll text and call and even if he's on Skype he won't answer back. So then I stop and a few more days go by and then I see him online again and say hi..and he's back to his nice self again acting like nothing's wrong, when I'm sitting here worried thinking something happened to him. He always does that (he's been doing that the whole year we've been together so Ive come to expect it but I still can't stop myself from getting worried or trying to contact him when he does this). So he kept telling me all this year that he needed to see me in person so bad and I finally buy this plane ticket and the closer it gets to the end of the month, he starts saying things like "i can't wait for you to come, but it's so bad over here, I don't even know if I'll even have a home when you get here" or "mom kicked me out last night so this visit might not happen" or "half of me wants this so bad, and the other half wants to stop it. i don't wanna hold you back" so finally I got the feeling he didnt want me to come so i told him ok i won't come cause I don't think you want me to. And he was talking about how much he loved me and how it was honestly better if he came to see me instead. So we decided to wait and have him come visit me. But...why the hell didn't he just tell me that instead of letting me by this damn plane ticket?! I have literally invested a year of my life into this man, I'm like obsessed with him. I think I need to do the no contact rule because I'm always the first to contact him anyway. He never calls or texts, he normally stays on skype alot but even then I'm normally the first person to say anything to him. One time I decided not to contact him to see if he would contact me first? I did it for 4 days. I didn't text or call, but I was on Skype two of the days, but didn't say anything to him. He didn't say anything to me either. So instead of calling or texting...or SKYPING me about it when i was online, he goes and talks to one of my friends asking if they've heard from me and saying that i 'fucked him off for 4 days." WTF?! So I called him and he turned everything around on me making it seem like I was the one in the wrong. After that I've gone back to doing all the work in the relationship. Now after this failed visit and a plane ticket that I'm not going to use and spent money on, I'm tired. So what should I do now. I'm honestly drained...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Well, I see a couple of things here. You cannot have a relationship with someone you've never met. That's an aquaintance or a friendship at best. Anything online is "virtual" meaning - it doesn't exist in "reality."

And he's bipolar but you're expecting normal behavior from him. That doesn't make sense. Mental illness does not produce what society would consider normal behaviors, reactions, etc.

I think you've taken this too seriously. There's a lot of fantasy here, but very little reality. And my guess would be that he leads most of his life online, in the virtual world, as opposed to living it in the real world, reality. As a result, I imagine he has many friendships like this with many different women online.

Honestly, I think what you're about to do is very dangerous. To buy a plane ticket, fly some 3000 miles away from home alone, to meet a strange man you met on the Internet that admittedly suffers from mental illness - is just plain dangerous. You don't know if he's treating his illness or not. You don't know if he's stable. His emotions are up and down because, in his particular case, that's what bipolar disease is. It's a roller coaster ride of feeling good, feeling bad, being up, being down. Falling into deep, severe depression and then being "manic" and in a happy frenzy. So his behavior is fitting for the mental illness disease he's stricken with.

Forget about him and that situation and develop your relationships in the real world. You can't take anything that happens in the virtual world as reality - because it's "virtual." The definition of virtual is:

"Existing in the mind, especially as a product of the imagination."

Anonymous said...

@Mirror: Wow...you're so right about him living most of his life online. He has tons of online friends, but not many real life friends. I've put a year of my life into someone I haven't even met in person yet and now that I'm looking at it, it looks kinda stupid...but he has so much power over me and I don't know how this happened or how I let myself put so much into someone. So then the no contact rule doesn't really apply here does it? Since technically we're not real...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Well I'm sure if you don't contact him long enough, he may attempt contacting you.

However, no contact can be used in several ways that are beneficial and one of them is to emotionally detach from or get over a man or a breakup.

And I think if you use no contact to take a step back and detach from him a bit, you'll be able to see things more clearly and then proceed in whichever manner you'd like, once you've had some time to think.

Anonymous said...

This is the best article I have read about the no contact rule. :)

My ex and I broke up (again) 2 months ago because we were constantly fighting about the same thing for about a month already. It was kind of mutual and i think it was out of anger on both parties. This is the fourth serious breakup we've had and we've been together 3 years. Our shortest breakup was about a week without contact, while the longest is 2 months with contact.

Now, 2 weeks in on the no contact rule, he messaged me both on e-mail and facebook, saying he wants to hangout "as friends" since it's christmas and all. After about 24 hours of me not replying, he made another follow up message saying "you know you want it." This is the 2nd time he initiated contact since last month, but only saying he wants to hangout "as friends." I did reply though to his message when i woke up today and i just said, "what do you want from me." That's all. I'm back to zero again on the contact rule.

Thing is, i love him, i still do, but i'm really confused with how i'm supposed to feel towards all these. We've broken up a couple of times already and i don't know what's his deal with trying to hangout with me. Can you somehow shed some light on my situation? Thank you.

Sincerely,
Confused Girl

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Confused Girl,
"Can you somehow shed some light on my situation?"

He placed a high beam on it for you already, honey, when you didn't respond the first time and he followed up with:

"you know you want it."

Translation: You know you want to have sex with me.

He throwing around the word "friends" and he's insinuating hooking up for the holidays and that "you know you want it."

He wants no-strings-attached sex here.

I know you love him and if you really do, you'll take a serious stance with him this time. If you give in here, you're gonna get screwed . . . literally.

Anonymous said...

Does the "No Contact" rule work on "Bad Boys"? I know alot of women go after bad boys and they can have any woman they want, but if a girl stops chasing them and apply "No Contact" will he think of her? Also Mirror I was wondering if you can do an article about "what to do if you see your ex with someone else?" That happend to me a couple of times and I was jealous.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
You know, I think it's funny, but no contact seems to be extremely effective on bad boys, LOL. Not all of them, but the ones with a big ego generally respond to it.

Why?

Because as you said, they're used to getting their way with all the women chasing them down - and for some unknown reason, the one who doesn't chase them - many times ends up being the one THEY chase ;-)

Good topic for an article, too. Let me think on that one a bit and see if I can't come up with something insightful.

Anonymous said...

Does no contact include Skype too? I haven't been calling or texting but I have gotten on skype a couple of times and didn't say anything to him. But he also didn't say anything to me, so I'm wondering if me getting online set me back a little?

Anonymous said...

Yes Mirror definitely.. you must write about it... It will be an eye-opener..Thankyou...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec. 18, 12:38AM,
Well Skype is a form of communication and contact, so yes, it counts. However, if you're not contacting him while you're on there and you're simply using the service without communicating with him, then that's fine.

Anonymous said...

Ugh I'm so mad at myself. I got drunk last night and ended up texting him. Of course he didn't respond. I was doing so well too! I hadn't talked to him in a week prior to last night. I set myself back didn't I? How do I fix it x.x

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Never communicate when you're drunk (or emotional) - especially via text. It leads to miscommunications, regret and sexting. Not good things, LOL ;-)

Yes, regretfully, you've set yourself back here. You see, you've just reassured him that you're still interested. So now, he has nothing to worry about, nothing to think about and he knows there's no other man swooping in on you. He has no reason to think of you now - because he knows you're still sitting there thinking of him - and waiting on him.

Can't fix it. Have to start from scratch again :-(

Dee said...

What if you and your ex have a 2 year old together?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Dee,
Well, no contact is not going to be possible. So you'd have to do a variation of it.

If you make small talk with him, cease doing so, keep it short and to the point. Make the necessary arrangements and then get off the phone.

Same with face to face time. Keep it short, say you're busy, you have somewhere to be, and rush him along.

Remove anything personal in nature and keep it "all business."

Anonymous said...

Here is my situation. I'm a 47 year old Libra female. He's 47 year old Virgo. We are both never married. We met accidentally on vacation 17 months ago, but things clicked and we have stayed in touch We live about 3,000 miles apart. We've seen each other twice for four days at at time since then. In the last five months there has also been a few phone calls. Up until two weeks ago we would text several times a week. Though communication has been off a bit since end of October. Two weeks ago I texted him I was going to take a short vacation after the New Year an easy plane ride from him. I suggested he come meet me for a long weekend. Nothing. I've heard nothing back from him. I'm thinking his silence says it all. He has been honest in saying he doesn't want a long distance relationship (something in his past) and that he wants companionship closer to where he lives. When I had a chance to be in his area in the summer he told me he didn't think ti was a good idea for me to come because he knows what a good time we have together. We have shared a bed, fooled around, but no sex. Still I get these mixed signals from him. I usually blink first if I don't hear from him in a week to ten days, but not this time. It's been a rough two weeks, but each day is a little easier. I'm not even going to wish him a Merry Christmas. But...if I do hear from him on Christmas what do I do? So confused.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous 47 Year Old Libra,
Well, I hate to say this but, I'm not sure why you think you're receiving mixed signals. On the flip side, I think he's been rather honest with you.

I know your emotions are involved, but we're going to set those aside here for a moment and look at this using straight logic and we're going to focus on the facts only. Which are:

1) He told you he doesn't want a long distance relationship
2) He wants companionship closer to where he lives
3) He refused a previous get together because he didn't want to lead you on

Those are pretty cut and dry signals. This was always, and only ever will be, a casual relationship. And in casual relationships, men generally don't see the woman more than 2 or 3 times. Why? Because they don't want to get attached and lead the woman on. Casual situations are short lived events that amount to flings or affairs of sorts, with or without sex.

My gut here is telling me he's found someone. Probably someone close to him. Yes, he should probably just tell you this, but I think he's avoiding hurting you and I think that because he's already told you these things in the past, he's hoping you'll assume that it's not going to continue in any manner that mirrors a regular relationship.

When a man wants something casual and explains that he's not interested in anything more, you can't place any expectations on him. You can't expect the situation to develop into anything meaningful in the long run and you can't expect him to always be there.

I'm sure he thinks you're a great woman. I mean, he had enough respect for you to be honest from the get-go, which is more than most men do for a woman. But I think the distance here is the factor. If you lived closer, this may have taken off. But that's not the reality and as hard as that may be, you're going to have to accept it :-(

Don't contact him. You'll only hurt yourself more when he ignores you. And he'll start to think poorly of you, so don't do that. Don't wish him a Merry Christmas either. He's being a bit ignorant here by not responding at all. Although I understand why he's doing that, that doesn't make it the right decision or the right thing to do.

As time goes on, this will get easier for you. And if you hear from him on the holiday, wait several hours or even a day or two to respond. Don't appear too eager, like you're waiting for him and also give a tad bit of the ignorance back to him by hanging back and taking your good old time getting back to him. And don't start a deep discussion or get upset with him.

And if you don't hear from him, you may someday and if that doesn't happen, you move on. It wasn't going to become anything from day one and you knew that, he told you that . . so don't beat yourself up about this. It's not personal, it's circumstantial is all. Had the circumstances been different, the outcome may have been different.

But none of this is a reflection on you, so don't beat yourself up about it.

Anonymous said...

@Mirror: I'm the one that's in the 'online' relationship with the bipolar guy. I'm also the one that drunk texted. So basically he texted me back last night and I got my hopes up and decided to call him. He didn't answer. So then I texted him 'Bye.' and 4 hours later he texted 'Whatever.' He has never said that to me before and considering the context of the situation, I get the feeling that whatever we had is over. This is a man to whom I actually sent money several times because he was always saying how he was gonna end up homeless or his mom would lose her house, etc, etc. I spent money on a plane ticket to see him, which isn't going to happen now. I have invested so much into this man, and I realize that he hasn't invested anything. I'm doing all the work and we haven't even met in person yet. I think he has been manipulating me emotionally, and draining me of my energy spending so much time trying to help him and make him smile. So after everything I've done, receiving a message that says 'whatever' pretty much tells me that he doesn't care. Am I right to assume that he's saying he's done? I don't even think I need to talk to him about ending this little virtual relationship we have. I think his actions speak loud enough and that I can just fade from his life...
-Mia

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Mia,
Regretfully, I don't think he cares. That is, until he needs more money (which by the way, you should NEVER give to a man you're not in relationship with nor should you give it to a complete stranger).

Calling, texting and pursuing him doesn't help. It's a role reversal and men start to wonder, "Why is she chasing me? What's wrong with her? Is she desperate?" That's how they see it. It's never a good thing and men will take advantage of that.

No, no conversation is necessary. And if he contacts you, put no contact in place and forget him, don't respond. He sounds like a shady shyster. Don't let him use you.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your response. Hard to read, but sometimes the truth hurts.I won't contact him. I won't give him the satisfaction. If I do hear from him I'm not sure what I'd do at this point. I'm bouncing up and down the steps you outline...sometimes I'm angry, sometime I've accepted it, sometimes I'm just sad...too bad I'm not losing any weight or toning up my legs :) What I can't wrap my head around is that he is the one who continued to maintain contact. I was fully prepared for him to disappear a year ago when he talked about not really wanting a LDR. He was the one with all miss you, remembering events in my life, extending an invite for a trip, and talking of other times to get together, etc. To me this is where the mixed messages came from. He came into my life unexpectedly after literally a decade of not dating. I opened up my heart/feelings only to be left in the dust again. So very hard. Thank you again.

-Anonymous 47 Year Old Libra,

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous 47 Year Old Libra,
Well hey, you went out there and you got your feet wet. If you'd like to start dating, consider online dating (you get your pick hehe ;-)

When it comes to men, you really have to ignore a lot of what they say. I know that sounds counterproductive, but you need to realize that men fantasize about 80% of their day away, LOL. Lots of fantasy thinking takes place and a lot of times, that thinking takes place out loud. And because they're sharing those thoughts, women get led on. He may have very well felt that way those days, but then the next morning, he woke up and had different thoughts, different fantasies.

Always pay attention to a man's actions, not his words. And his actions indicate he was interested, but that in the end, he didn't want a long distance relationship. Had he been making more time to see you and following through with lots of those plans and stuff that he spoke of, then it might have been a little different. But in the end, talk is cheap.

And he may be back, you may hear from him again. In the meantime, now that you've entered the dating pool again, I say try your hand at online dating. It'll make you feel better, you'll get attention from men, you'll go on dates and it will distract you from him and give you hope for the future.

Don't sweat this one, it just wasn't meant to be is all. Better days are to come :-)

Anonymous said...

my relationship with a taruas male for 27 years we have a son together of 24 years but we split i moved 1200 miles away when our son was three.we recently started dating again 2 years ago a year ago he came off with he was not husband material and didn't see long term with me because he has unresolved trust issues, along that he was sorry if he gave me mixed emotions that we was a couple even thought he introdused me as his girlfriend to family and friends.and all the visits that he made 1200 miles to see me was to see our son not me and sorry he gave me that impression.(he spent 1 day out of the seven each time he visited with our son)rest of time was spent with me.)anyhow we broke up a week later he calls we talk about all the issues it all good we are back together and i chalk it up to miscommuncation. we meet half way for a romantic getaway (his title)after a bit or so i knew something was up and he did the hot cold ect.i finally pushed him into he needs to tell me what up am i moving in with him ect. so i provoked him to give the responce i knew i would get the same answer.( i cant see long term with you,i love you as sons mother, and a new one i didnt know you was going to put the relationship state out the for everyone(meaning changing my facebook state to in a relationship that he had to approve before posting)and was really sorry for hurting me. i repleied don't be sorry. he texted back (your a mostly incrediable woman do you know that?) i have not responded it has been 31 days today and it is christmas i have tryed very hard to stay off his radar, i am getting worn down i cant travel 1200 miles to flirt in person i am broke. do i text him or do i continue with this standoff we are having? i know he loves me,talked about us when we are old ect. i cant figure out what the big hang up is did i push him away and how can i help him through this to me he is my soul mate and i have loved him from first day i saw him 27 years ago.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
I would stay off his radar for a bit. I'm getting the impression you pressured him and as a result, he backed off.

You were asking him if you could move in with him and you changed your status to "in a relationship" before he asked you for one. A man has to ask a woman for a commitment. He needs to ask her to be exclusive and he needs to be ready and want a relationship before a woman can assume that that's what their involvement is.

Just because you sleep with a man or date him for several months or have a history with him and he says nice things or shares some fantasy thinking with you out loud doesn't mean he actually wants a relationship. Women need to wait for men to initiate that, not the other way around. Otherwise, it feels like pressure and it feels unnatural to them.

He's told you his hang up - trust issues. And when you began to pressure, it brought up these issues. Because when you thought you were moving in and that you two were in a relationship and acted upon that, he didn't trust you at that moment. He thought what you two had was kinda on "the down low" but you made it public in a big way on FB and that made him feel like he can't trust you - to keep what was going on a bit silent so he could move through it at his own pace.

So stay away for a while (like a month or two) and see if he misses you. Chances are he will, and he'll come seek you out. But even if he does, you don't start pressuring him by speeding things along. Folks with trust issues, when pushed, will bail. So give him lots of space and time to think through this and process his feelings and get in touch with himself here.

Anonymous said...

staying off his radar will not be that hard.its just hard today because its christmas and would at least like to text him merry christmas nothing else, just a holiday greeting to him.oh heck here i go again wanting to push lol okay back off radar yeah it is hard thank you and happy holidays!

Anonymous said...

I previously dated a leo man and I am virgo woman. The relationship was good at first but things changed and we decided to be friends. However, he recently did something that was borderline disrespectful! Since the incident we have not talked for three weeks. My question is do you believe you can be friends with your ex???? Also, what are your thoughts on leo and virgo combo?

Anonymous said...

I miss him

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Regarding Leo and Virgo, one is a Fire sign and one is an Earth sign. Many say that Fire scorches Earth. But that's not always the case. When you have combos like that, if each fills the others weaknesses with their strengths, it can work.

Meaning, if your Earth stabilizes his Fire in a healthy way, it can be a fit. Fire signs tend to be impulsive and Earth signs tend to think things through. So it's possible you could provide some stability to his life. And opposite that, it's possible that his Fire and impulsiveness can bring a little more excitement to your life. It can be like two pieces of a puzzle fitting together in an imperfect, yet perfect way. But it's also something that both parties need to willingly work at.

Regarding being friends with an ex, that's a tricky one. Generally, I don't believe it's possible. I believe it's possible to be "friendly" with an ex or civil towards one, but to hang out or talk regularly as you would with a girlfriend or otherwise, no way.

By friendly, I mean, yea - you can touch base with one another every couple of months. See how the other one is doing, etc. But I don't believe you can hang out together, go places together or talk on the phone regularly. Why? Because one of the two always wants more and deep down, isn't willing to settle for a simple friendship. As a result, you get hurt feelings and failed attempts that tarnish things.

Plus, when one starts dating again, things become even more complicated. So in the end, I don't think it's healthy for either party involved. That is, unless both are mature enough to accept that each are moving on. In that case, touching base every couple of months can be completely acceptable.

Basically, I believe two exes can be "friendly" towards one another. But to have a friendship like you have with your close friends or girlfriends - no way. That's like asking for trouble.

And if he's being disrespectful - that's not friendly, nor is it a friendship. Friends don't treat one another disrespectfully. It takes two to make any relationship work, romantic or otherwise. And if one is being disrespectful, it certainly won't work.

There's a good chance he'll use that friendship simply to rub your face in things. An immature man will do that and that's never a healthy thing.

Given that he appears unable to handle a friendly, mature relationship and rather chooses to be disrespectful to you - I'd say stay away from this one. Or it'll be like opening the door for him to hurt you and keep driving a knife in your back.

Anonymous said...

You are so good! I am thankful that I found your site!!!! You are absolutely right., he recently rub in my face that he has other chicks willing to have sex with him. One of the reasons he said the relationship wouldn't work was due to my unwillingness to have sex. He was indecisive and not sure if he really wanted a long term relationship. I decided that I deserve more and wasn't willing to settle. The hurtful thing is we really did get along. I know I have to let go but it is hard when you care about someone. I promise you that I will NOT pick up the phone to call. Happy New Year and Thank you!!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
I figured he pulled some stunt like that. And what he's saying may or may NOT be the truth, so take it with a grain of salt.

And the next time HE contacts YOU, you brush him off. You say, "I'd love to chat, however, I have a date tonight and I really need to get some things done. We'll talk later, have a great day!"

Or, "I'm on a date, can't chat right now. We'll have to touch base later. Have a great night!"

And off you go, LOL ;-)

And if sex is that damn important to him that all of the value he places on a woman boils down to whether or not she'll kick up the goods to him, he's a jerk - and he can go pay for sex if he needs it that damn bad. Tell him to go down to the corner of 5th and Main for a $20 blow, LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

Mariana again,

Mirror my boo came back. I did no contact for like a month and then he gone text me on new years. I was kinda mad so I was just like happy new years back.I aint say nothing else. What you think I should do now? Help me girl cause you good:).

Jasmin Gomez said...

Hi@aprodite I think this is amazing but how do I dodge for a few days and have a legit excuse without him getting turned off that "I'm playing games"?

Anonymous said...

So, I met a guy on a dating site several months ago. We exchanged some messages and then exchanged numbers/emails.

He ended up with a medical issue that limited his mobility for about a month, yet we continued to communicate all the time. He mostly initiated daily contact, though there were times here and there that we wouldn't communicate for a whole weekend or a a day or two during the week, yet he re-initiated contact 99% of the time.

The time came where he was feeling well enough that he asked me out on a date. I had been waiting for it, but with my own insecurities, I panicked and asked if we could delay it a week. He kept asking the entire weekend and I just put it off, trying to set myself up for the next week instead.

The next weekend came and I didn't hear anything from him at all. On Monday, I casually contacted him after work just to say hi. The discussion drifted toward our non-date. He stated that he had wished I had essentially been more proactive about going on the date and thought I wasn't interested because I delayed by a week (which wasn't the case). So, we worked through it and agreed to go out the next night. Despite my initial nervousness, it went really well. We held hands the whole time and just had fun. When he dropped me home, he said I would definitely see him again.

The next morning, he texted me early to say the date was totally worth it, etc. I was basically on "Cloud 9" and he continued to initiate contact every day.

Our second date was a few days before he went away for two weeks for the holidays. He wasn't feeling well and I told him we could re-schedule, but he insisted on us going out. Admittedly, it was a bit of a comical disaster because I did the planning (lunch and a movie) and the restaurant didn't take reservations so we had to wait. Not the end of the world, but it's mortifying when you want to impress someone with your planning skills. In any case, we had lunch and went off to the movies. Again, a lot of hand holding throughout the movie followed by gelato and a walk around the complex. When he drove me home, I got us both lost and thought I had irritated him. Regardless, he stayed for a little bit and went home.

I texted him to say thanks for a great time and to get some rest. I didn't hear anything back, but wasn't really concerned because he was driving home and going to bed. The next day, nothing. I sent him a text later that night to see how he was feeling. I didn't hear from him at all those three days, but chalked it up to him being his typical busy at work/getting ready for his trips. Normally, it would be nothing entirely out of the ordinary, but it was still a little anxiety-inducing because we were always in constant contact at this point.

I knew he was leaving for his trip, so I sent him a light message stating that I hope he made it safely, to have fun and that I hoped to hear from him soon. That was the last text I sent almost two weeks ago and I haven't heard anything at all, even with him being back now a few days.

I did have the initial concerns that I did or said something stupid, but I know I really did nothing wrong.

Some friends say to give him a few days to get settled back; others say to contact him. After reading your post, however, I'm wondering if I should just fly with the no contact rule. All signs up until his disappearance pointed to him liking me, so perhaps it's simply a matter of him figuring things out or needing some space. In true Pisces fashion, I am not confrontational and I hate being all up in a guy's face. We're actually both Pisces and I've never been interested in/dated another Pisces, so I'm not sure how much of a complication that is.

Do you think I should text him or just let the NC advice you give stick?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Mariana,
LOL, it works. It's crazy, but it works. And the reappearance usually takes place within one to two months of no contact.

So he's just reassured you of your value to him ;-)

I think I'd hang back here a bit. Generally, I wait for a second attempt, or repeated attempts, depending on how much of a jag he was to you in the first place. The bigger the jag, the longer the wait, LOL.

If I were you, I'd hang back and wait for his second attempt. Because since he's done this, I guarantee you that he's sitting back, waiting for you to come to him now.

I suggest waiting so that a man really gets to the point that he misses you. If they make repeated attempts, then you know they're genuinely interested.

If they don't, then you know they're not.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Jasmine,
Generally, a "Oh, I've just been super busy lately. I kept meaning to get back to you, but everytime I was going to, something kept popping up" will do.

I don't worry much if they think I'm playing games. As a matter of fact, I don't worry much about what the guy thinks about me at all, LOL. Why? Because by the time I've gotten to the point that I'm ready to use no contact, they've already disrespected me in some manner - and didn't give a rats ass what I thought about them for doing that - so I don't worry about what men will think about me - that don't worry what I'll think about them.

Besides, men pull the disappearing act on women all the time. It's the oldest trick in the book. And when they do that, of course you think they're playing games. But does it really change anything for you? Nine times out of ten, no it doesn't. You let them back in.

And I believe they do the same, LOL. Because let's face it, women have the power. Women hold the key. Women have something that men want - which is why they return ;-)

Also, there's psychology at work here with this tactic. It plays into the simple fact about human behavior that - people want what they can't have. And that's the magic of no contact. The longer you stay away, the more they want you. The more they think about you. The more they worry that you may be gone for good. And when they worry, it's actually a good thing. Because when a man worry's about you, he's THINKING about you.

Just like how when they disappear on you - all you can think of is THEM. Well, it works both ways. When you disappear on them, all they can then think about, is YOU. And the more a man thinks about you, the more he desires you. The more he wants what he can't have.

This is called the Law of Scarcity and it's a psychological fact. It's used in economics and the marketplace everyday. When a manufacturer can make 7 million units of something, but at the holidays, they only make 2 million, they do this on purpose. Because people will become obsessed with the need to have their product. They'll spend hours standing in line, searching stores, attempting to get this elusive item. The manufacturers know that by withholding, they're creating lots of "buzz" about their product. And people won't stop searching for it. Come March, they're still hunting it down.

And when they finally get what they've been seeking and what's been out of reach for months - they CHERISH it. They place a much higher VALUE on it. More than they would have, had they been able to go right to the store and get it at the snap of a finger during the holidays.

I write about it in detail in this article here:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/06/disappearing-reappearing-man-what-to-do.html

And this piece explains how manufacturers use this and how it's also used in relationships:

http://ezinearticles.com/?Understanding-the-Law-of-Scarcity&id=184783

Even if a guy thinks you're playing games - he'll be back, LOL. They can't help themselves. Men love a good challenge, sweetie ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 5, 10:40AM,
Well, this is where I'm going to point something out to you. It's not necessarily something "wrong" but it is something that women often do, the causes a man to withdrawel.

And that is - YOU changed YOUR behavior. He didn't change his.

Let me just point out some things here for you to consider:

"He mostly initiated daily contact, though there were times here and there that we wouldn't communicate for a whole weekend or a a day or two during the week, yet he re-initiated contact 99% of the time."

Then you go on a date, and it's still the same:

"The next morning, he texted me early to say the date was totally worth it, etc."

So initially, it was HIM doing the pursuing. But then, all of a sudden, THIS happens:

"On Monday, I casually contacted him after work."



"I texted him to say thanks for a great time and to get some rest."

"I sent him a text later that night to see how he was feeling."

"I sent him a light message stating that I hope he made it safely, to have fun and that I hoped to hear from him soon."

All of which garnered you no response from him.

And this is because YOU'RE behavior suddenly CHANGED after a second date. Instead of you hanging back and letting HIM pursue YOU - YOU suddenly became the PURSUER.

That scares men and it makes them withdrawel. They look for that change in a woman's behavior. They pull back on purpose, it's a test. They want to know, "Will she freak out? Is she emotionally unstable? Is she insecure? Will I be able to live like that? Will it turn into work and not be fun anymore?"

Cont . . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

And when a woman switches gears and becomes the pursuer - the guy is suddenly convinced that the change in her behavior is indicative of the fact that this is headed, full speed, into relationship territory - way before he's ready.

So you're thinking went from this:

"Normally, it would be nothing entirely out of the ordinary."

To this:

". . it was still a little anxiety-inducing."

And you acted on those emotions - that anxiety. Instead of conducting yourself with him as you had in the very beginning - which was confident, cool, calm, collected and slightly indifferent (didn't care). THAT'S the girl he LIKED. But then suddenly, YOU became insecure and anxiety ridden and acted upon those emotions. And he caught a whiff of that.

The worst thing you could do right now is to listen to those girlfriends telling you to contact him and pursue him - the very thing that made him pull back in the first place. (And ask those girlfriends how many times that's worked for them. I bet the answer will be - never.)

Initiate no contact immediately. And realize, this usually takes a month or two to work and have the guy reappear. But the point here is, you want him to miss you. You want him to think about you. Reminding him that you exist and attempting to convince him to date you completely defeats the purpose. If you do that, he won't miss you, he won't think about you. Because you're reminding him that you're right there.

Give him plenty of space and time to process his thoughts and feelings over this and to miss you and think about you and return to inquire as to how you've been. That's how you know a man is genuinely interested in you - he pursues YOU.

And if he doesn't, he was only half interested and he wasn't the one.

In the meantime, to grasp this concept further, check out this piece here:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/06/disappearing-reappearing-man-what-to-do.html

The less you let emotions steer the wheel with men - the better a woman you appear to be to them :-)

I wrote this in that article above and I think it applies to your situation here:

"Imagine This: You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel.

Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise."

Don't let fear and anxiety steer the wheel. Don't ever act upon those emotions.

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much. I really appreciate that and what you're pointing out makes a lot of sense. He was doing the pursuing and now I've changed it up.

I don't want to come off being seen as "needy/clingy" and deduced that I'm being tested in some way, which is why I haven't said anything since then.

It's really hard, yes, because we have so much in common in terms of interest and world views, but I don't want to drive him away, either.

Some friends (guys and girls) think I need to be more aggressive in going after him if I'm truly interested, but that's never been my nature and I don't see myself starting that now.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
I know you want to listen to your friends, honey, as they do have your best interest at hear.

But here's the harsh reality:

Women tell you to pursue. This backfires. It makes the woman appear desperate and needy to the man. It's a turnoff. And yes, men sleep with a woman who does this . . . but then they disappear in a month or two. Why? Because they were only half interested to begin with. And had the woman held back and not pursued, she would've seen that and saved herself lots of pain from permitting herself to be used.

And men will tell you this because . . they're men, LOL. Men like to make things EASY for themselves. Things like - getting laid. And regardless of whether they admit it or not, all men somewhat stick together with regards to that. Again, they will sleep with a woman that throws herself at them. However, very rarely do they enter into a healthy, non-drama, long term relationship with one.

If a guy genuinely likes you honey, he'll come seek you out. It's really that simple. Men pursue, women submit. And that hasn't changed since the dawn of time.

If you want a two month fling - pursue him.

If you want the real deal - let him come get you.

A man named Peter just commented on this post here:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/06/disappearing-reappearing-man-what-to-do.html

Peter wrote:

"I spent year after year listening to my friend’s advice about woman and watching them try to pursue a promising lady. I can tell you very much that what Aphrodite outlines here is exactly what you need to do. None of the material out lined in the post is manipulative or game playing. It is how you need to behave to protect yourself and sort the genuine, secure, squared away, complete man from the guy who just wants to use you.

But when it comes to a good lady, they are shallow, insecure, arrogant little kids. . .(they say) "be nasty to her - make her miss you and chase you - she will sleep with you then."

To me, that’s vile on many levels. First it’s not natural, it’s a man’s duty to a good woman to take the stand and step up to her."

If you want to be used - pursue.

If you want a good man - wait for the right one to step up to the plate and come get you :-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you, thank you! I am going to take your advice of continuing the 'no contact' and see what happens. Thinking back on how things have went - everything you said is true. Even when I had tried to set up plans for our second date (like a lot of people with "my best interest at heart" advised me to do), he agreed to go see a particular movie we wanted to see, but didn't say much beyond that. Instead, he was the one who did the asking the following week.

I am kicking myself for changing my behavior when I had no reason to (I was just trying to be a little more "proactive" than I normally am), but it's been done and now I just have to do this.

I've had guys come back into my life at various times after no contact and if he's really into me, the same will happen.

I'll post a follow-up if anything changes!

Anonymous said...

Thanks Mirror. I will let u know how it go.

Mariana

Anonymous said...

I met a guy last july who has been introduced by one of my close friend. @teh begining it was great and we talked lot of things. He said he left his GF last January because of horoscope problem and then I said its better we will resolve them very begining. But he didn't show me that he realy want to do it. And sometimes he was saying want to resolve everything otherwise he wil face anoter heartbreak. Even I did agree for that.
Time to timehe was saying that he wants some time to forget his ex and I agreed. But we were calling and meeting each other.
Then suddnly (end of september) he said still I haven't a feel on you and I want to make my mind from ex. It is a pain that she is getting marry in next month.
Then I said without a feel I can't stay with you its ok I will accept your decision.
After 1.5 month of no contact... I droped a mail by saying I want to talk with you. and He replyied ok I wil call you call me whenever you want. But he didn't try to contact me even when I was online.after two weeks, I droped a mail by saying I'm worrying not to understand you that time and forget about past exs..then I said I will not contact you if you are not willing..

Still he hasn't contacted me. I like him and wanted him. I can not understand why he is acting like this.And he didn't try to make a feelkind of.. Please Please help me. I'm getting crazy....

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Honey, you can't make a man love you or want a relationship with you :-(

It sounds like he's sorting out the issues from his past. And honestly, I think it's a good thing that he's not stringing you along, so be thankful for that. Because he could be doing that right now and he isn't.

So that tells me that he respects you, and that's a good thing.

If it was meant to be, it will be. If it wasn't, then it won't.

But you haven't done anything wrong here and I don't think this has anything to do with you. It sounds like he's suffering from a bit of depression and that's something he needs to work out before entering into another relationship.

If he's genuinely interested, he'll contact you. I wouldn't contact him anymore, if he likes you, he'll be back.

Just give him enough time to sort this all out and see what happens.

And if he doesn't come back, then it wasn't meant to be.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror, Mirror on the Net,

Do you believe that if it's meant to be, it's meant to be - in terms of our destiny with a man or husband to be, is already mapped out by the Power that Be's? Or do you think, we can muck it up and so we move on and meet someone else? Or do you think, if we muck it up, that was part of our destiny anyway as our destiny is fixed, therefore it wasn't really a muck up as our true love is in our future.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
I believe that life leads you, through a series of convoluted experiences and twisted paths - to right where you're supposed to be. I've had bad things happen, very bad things, that made me think everything was over - only to find that somehow, through that horrific experience . . . I ended up right where I was supposed to be.

And had it not been for those bad experiences that seemed so awful at the time - I never would've ended up there.

So you see, sometimes we meet people and experience different situations, good and bad, for a reason.

If you meet a guy and you think he's Mr. Right and he turns out to be Mr. Wrong. That's ok. Because it could be that that bad experience teaches you something - something valuable that in the future, you will need to accomplish your ultimate end goals.

Consider this for example. I met a wonderful man years ago. However, at the time, I didn't recognize him as such, so I sent him away, twice. We're not together and he's married now and I'm very happy for him.

However, it was THAT VERY EXPERIENCE that taught me what a good man looks like.

So that when I do meet my Mr. Right - I don't blow it again (like I did with that one).

And I've met idiot men that I really liked for some unknown reason and they put me through the ringer. But the next time I met an idiot man, I didn't let him put me through the ringer, I protected myself and didn't get hurt.

I think sometimes, life has to hammer us out (thanks, Stewart, if you're still reading here ;-) into the people we're supposed to be - through bad experiences that challenge us, our ways of thinking and our ways of seeing things and the world.

So that when you're ultimate destiny appears before you, you're all hammered out and ready for it.

Life hammers you out - so that you become the best person you can be - so that you're READY for your destiny, once it appears before you.

Because if you're destiny appears before you - before you're ready for it and before you're able to recognize it - you may screw it up, lose it or not recognize it and blow it.

I think everything happens for a reason, honey. Good and bad - it's all supposed to happen. You learn valuable lessons through all of the experiences that ultimately turn you into the best version of yourself that you can be.

I just shared a story of mine with regards to this in a comment on this post here:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2009/10/law-of-attraction-vision-boards.html

I went through a horrible experience, my divorce. And I couldn't understand why that was happening to me or what I did to deserve that.

But you know what?

Had it not been for that horrible divorce, I wouldn't be where I'm at today.

And I'm right where I was supposed to be.

And I firmly believe that my divorce was a process that was SUPPOSED to happen to me, to help me reach my ultimate goals and capture my dreams :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Aprodite, I wish I had known about your site sooner - I would have done things SO differently!!

I am online dating at the moment. Before Christmas I met a new guy. We hit it off straight away, and had a definite mutual attraction and had loads to talk about. Date 2 he invited me to his for dinner - I was hesitant at first as I knew what it would probably lead to, but I said yes anyway - he cooked me a lovely meal, we talked non-stop and things were great. He lives an hour away on the train from me and I was due to get the 10.30pm train home, but I ended up staying over...ooops, this was before I read your website, and I know this was a silly silly mistake. We arranged date 3 for a few days time, and that morning he cancelled on me saying he'd forgotten he'd organised an osteopath appointment (he said he never writes it down and so he relies on them calling him that morning to remind him...). He said he was an idiot, he was really sorry, etc. He had tried calling me but i'd missed the call, and he text saying he'd try and call me later. He called me later as promised, and he apologised again. He said he'd be really busy over the next couple of weeks over the Christmas break and also his brother was getting married before new year. No plans were set for after the new year, but the implication was that after new year we would meet up.

From day 1 I was always the one to text him first, but he always responded within minutes and always with questions to keep the conversation flowing. At this point I decided to just not text him to see what happened. 4 days after this phone call he hadn't text me, so I text him (on 23rd Dec). I had no reply...but on Christmas day he replied and he said he'd been at his friend's place in the country where there's no signal (he has a woodwork shed there and was working on making something for the wedding). We texted a bit Christmas day, but he didn't ask me any questions which he usually does. Boxing day I text him again (this is still before i found your site!) and he replied, but again no questions. Then I decided not to contact him.

I knew his bro's wedding was on the 30th, and that he'd be spending time at this place with no reception...so I wasn't too worried. I assumed when he got back home and the wedding was over I would hear from him. But i've heard nothing. Since then my friend directed me to your site and I now know what to do (i am eternally grateful for this information!!) but I am left wondering whether I will hear from him again. A friend of mine has suggested I contact him at some point and say something like 'Hi, i assume that you're not interested in seeing me again, so i just wanted to say good luck with everything and it was nice meeting you'. In which case he has the option then of saying 'yes, I'm not interested' or is left panicking he may lose me (if he is interested). I think that I know you're going to say DON'T DO IT! - but would be interested to get your take on this!

On the flip side, I had a first date with a different guy that I also met online today which went really well and he wants to see me again- so who knows what may happen there (although this new guy is a fisherman and is away for 8 days at a time working, so not really sure when/if I'll ever see him!).

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Your right...don't contact him and DO NOT give him an ultimatum like that..assuming it's over like that. Because even if he does like you, that'll tick him off. Send that and your guaranteed never to see him again.

You've done plenty of the pursuing here. Step back...keep dating other men as you are, and give this one a couple weeks or a month or so to circle around again.

And with this new guy...do not text or contact him. Let him pursue you. Men view that as needy and clingy and insecure. So don't go there with this one. The only way your going to know if he genuinely likes you or not is to see if he pursues you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Aphrodite,

I've been dealing with a taurus for tye last couple of year (7 years to be exact), We've tried FWB, relationships, etc.But it never worked out, we would break up, freese each other out, etc. recently I set the record straight and broke up whatever we had. We exchanged txts for the holidays and a couple of days afterwards he txted me wanting to see me. We talked about the status and he said he likes me but he hates the baggage relationships brings etc. But he said he's willing to work on it to which I said yes do it for yourself and he agreed. We've been exchanging txts everyday since but its never long (though I have purposely not intiated and he would). Today he didn't respond and knowing taurus' through your article, I didn't press it. I know it's only one day but I am afraid that'll he dissapear again but long story short, let's say he dissapears and I apply the 30 day no contact rule, when I respond, what if he hints at having sex again? What should I do then? Or should I should move on by then? Thanks in advance.

Anonymous said...

>>>>I met a guy last july who has been introduced by one of my close friend. @teh begining it was great and we talked lot of things. He said he left his GF last January because of horoscope problem and then I said its better we will resolve them very begining. But he didn't show me that he realy want to do it. And sometimes he was saying want to resolve everything otherwise he wil face anoter heartbreak. Even I did agree for that.
Time to timehe was saying that he wants some time to forget his ex and I agreed. But we were calling and meeting each other.
Then suddnly (end of september) he said still I haven't a feel on you and I want to make my mind from ex. It is a pain that she is getting marry in next month.
Then I said without a feel I can't stay with you its ok I will accept your decision.
After 1.5 month of no contact... I droped a mail by saying I want to talk with you. and He replyied ok I wil call you call me whenever you want. But he didn't try to contact me even when I was online.after two weeks, I droped a mail by saying I'm worrying not to understand you that time and forget about past exs..then I said I will not contact you if you are not willing..

Still he hasn't contacted me. I like him and wanted him. I can not understand why he is acting like this.And he didn't try to make a feelkind of.. Please Please help me. I'm getting crazy....
>>>>>

Don't you think it happened because I was trying to be in a serious relationship?
And he was afraid to it or he didn't like me?
coz this is the 2nd affair of mine and his 3rd I guess. He is 5 years elder than me. and in in my 28.
I need to make my mind. Its going up and down with the words he said. Please help me. its more than three months now. Yes I know I didn't do anything to hurt him. He was good.

Anonymous said...

Cancer Woman - Dating Sagitarrius Medical Resident

Hi... Your advice has always helped me and I thank you for that. I dated this person for a while- then he disappeared-and reappeared about two months later. We met and discussed the issue and he explained that he did care for me but because he is in his last year of medical residency he is under alot of stress and does like to feel like dating is a chore and I must admit as a cancer baby I was stressing it 100%- we agreed to start over, just him and i (he confirmed it was just him and I) and we took it from there. We started seeing eachother and suddenly he fell back again - He has an important test that is coming up- I took a step back and decided to let him be- he texted me on New Years and has always kept in contact with me. I assume if he didnt give a crap he would simply dismiss me. I care a great deal about this person and notice that I reach out to him but I would like for him to do his part and show me he cares or at least where i stand. What should I do? How do I shift the balance of power? helllp lol

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 6, 11:29PM,
If he disappears, initiate no contact. If he resurfaces and hints at sex, to me that's a red flag - if his biggest concern upon returning is simply sex.

And if that's the case, if you think you can handle a casual sexual relationship, then feel free. Personally, I don't think there's any such thing as "casual" sex for women, the act releases endorphines in their brain that begin to bond them to the man in emotional ways.

But that's not to say that there are no women out there doing it successfully as I imagine there are. You just can't care is all.

So if you think that's possible and you won't begin to care, then get involved. However, if you think you're going to care, then don't get involved because if you do, you're going to get hurt.

You can't get hurt unless you care.

And if he's simply seeking sex, he cares to use you.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 6, 11:34PM,
Honey you can't make a man love you or want to be with you. If a man genuinely likes you, he'll seek you out. If he doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be.

This doesn't have anything to do with you. This is happening because he's suffering that his ex is getting married and it's probably caused him some sadness.

He needs some time to process all of those feelings and when he does, he may come back.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Cancer Woman,
You shift the balance of power by making him MISS YOU. And in order for him to miss you, you have to disappear. And when you disappear, you have to stay gone.

You need to use "no contact" honey.

And it will take a while, probably a month or two, but he'll eventually come to you. And if you want him to come to YOU, you have to stop going to HIM.

The only way to know if a man likes you or not is if he pursues you. And he can only pursue you if you let him - meaning, walk away and see if he follows.

No contact sounds scary, but it works. And if you read in the recent comments over on the post below, you'll see women posting their stats right now on how often men come back. And the reality is that when you walk away from them, that's exactly what they do:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/06/disappearing-reappearing-man-what-to-do.html

Stop trying so hard and begin doing something - by actually doing nothing ;-)

And participate in our little experiment taking place in the comments on that post right now. Submit your own stats there.

Women are making lists of all the men they've dated. They're listing how many returned and how many didn't. And what we're finding is that approximately 92% of men are coming back, while only approximately 8% stay gone for good.

We're also finding that when they stay gone for good, many of them actually broke up with the woman (he was the dumper, she was the dumpee).

So what we're attempting to identify now is - are the one's who dumped you not coming back because you kept pursuing them after they dumped you?

Some women are finding that's the case. While others are seeing that even if they were the one's who were dumped, if they didn't contact the man afterwards and used no contact, the men returned for one reason or another (relationship or friendship).

In either event, we're seeing cold hard facts over there in women's stats strongly suggesting the use of no contact works.

We're also seeing that many, many men return.

Anonymous said...

Hi Aphrodite, January 6, 2013 11:29pm again, so he txted me today, he must've went to bed early, should I respond tomorrow based on your article? I know taurus' like routine so I feel guilty for not responding but I won't until I get your go ahead...btw I'm a guy. Thanks again!

Anonymous said...

Cancer Woman

@mirror, thank you very much for your advice. I will def start no contact today, I must admit that it may be hard but I need to know where I stand no I won't find out if I keep trying to be the man in the relationship, simply bc I am scared that he won't step up. Keeping my fingers crossed and hoping he steps it up. Thank you again :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 7, 7:36PM,
I'm going to say that this will still apply. Because I gather that you feel he has the upper hand right now and he's the one calling the shots and you're feeling a bit used possibly and helpless?

Assuming that's the case, then I'm going to say, no - don't respond immediately. He can't keep disappearing and resurfacing at will and then getting attention and affection from you when he does.

Think of it like this: If a child misbehaves, do you reward the child for that behavior? No. If a dog misbehaves and chews your shoes, do you give the dog a treat for doing so? No.

Never reward bad behavior and poor treatment with attention and affection.

Because if you do, this becomes a learned response. Meaning, the next time they want attention and affection, they misbehave. Children do this. When they want attention, they don't care if it's good or bad behavior that garners it, they just want the attention - period. So when they learn that mom ignores good behavior but she freaks out over bad behavior, they misbehave knowing that this is what gets her attention.

Never treat someone like a priority while they're treating you like an option, sweetie.

You mirror his behavior to level the playing field here. To give yourself a feeling of control and to make him respect you and realize that when he misbehaves, he doesn't get your attention. It's only when he treats you well that he gets your attention.

Mirror his behavior and return that text in the morning. Continue to do that and eventually, he'll get the picture and hopefully, he'll realize that he can no longer take you for granted and treat you poorly - and still have access to you.

Anonymous said...

Hello MOA! :)
Recently, I was casually dating a guy for a couple of months. We went on a couple dates then we stopped talking. I didn't think anything of it b/c we had only been on two dates. He reached out to me a month later and we began casually dating again. I enjoyed our time together. I do admit I had some insecurities and would ask him was he talking to other people or did he need his space. He replied he didn't need his space and that when he is talking to someone he doesn't talk to other girls. I told him to be up front b/c I can't get mad if he is talking to other people b/c we weren't exclusive. In the beginning he wanted to be exclusive, but once I told him I would be moving out of state in another 6 months his tune went from wanting to be exclusive to not wanting to be serious b/c he would be sad I'm leaving and didn't want to get attached. I respected his answer and asked him did he feel we needed to back off. He stated he was open to whatever I wanted, whether it be a relationship, friends, etc.

We were intimate after 4 months of dating (I made him wait 4 months). I told him now that he got what he wanted that I probably wasn't a challenge to him anymore. When I told him I am still considering moving out of state he looked a lil annoyed and disappointed. A day or two later I told him I was sorry if I was pressuring where we stood and that I need to stop over analyzing things and let our relationship flow. I'm not the type of girl that pours out my feelings, but I told him I was starting to like him a lot and I thought he was a good guy from what I had seen so far. He replied "how am I a good guy?" I thought that was a weird response. Almost like he didn't even know if he was a good guy or not.

After that, he went ghost and diasppeared w/ no explanation. I was so confused and hurt. I didn't contact him during this time and gave him his space. I thought he would be upfront if he wasn't interested since we had a conversation that we would tell each other if it wasn't working. Later, I found out through Facebook that he had started a new rship w/ this other girl. I was shocked b/c it had only been 2 weeks since we had stopped talking. It hurts like hell b/c I'm a prideful person and I felt played. So that he was aware that I knew, I texted him that I wish him the best in his new relationship. I haven't texted or contacted him since nor has he reached out to me. Just the other day I was talking to somone outside and he slowly drives past me as if he wanted to be seen. I just smiled and waved. He had an uncomfortable look on his face (I don't know if it was guilt or b/c he was caught looking).

Is he playing mind games? and how could he jump into a new relationship so quickly w/out telling me he wanted to move on? Why use the disappearing act?

-Hurt & Confused

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Hurt and Confused,
Honey, I think you let your insecurities steer the wheel here a bit. I wrote this in another article:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/06/disappearing-reappearing-man-what-to-do.html

"You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise."

And here's where your insecurities surfaced several times:

"I had some insecurities and would ask him was he talking to other people or did he need his space."

"I told him to be up front. . ."

". . asked him did he feel we needed to back off."

"I told him now that he got what he wanted that I probably wasn't a challenge to him anymore."

"I told him I was sorry if I was pressuring where we stood . ."

"I told him I was starting to like him a lot . ."

I know you think that's open communication, that's what many women think because that's how THEY communicate. Men don't communicate like that, talking about their feelings and revealing their inner thoughts all the time. And when a woman starts that, the man begins to sense she's insecure and thinks she's needy.

All that talk of emotions is like "man repellent" bug spray. Particularly when it all takes place before the MAN asks for a commitment. He sees them dating as suddenly heading into relationship territory at hyper speed. And the only time a man considers himself to be in a relationship with a woman is:

1) When he tells her he loves her
2) When he's asked for a commitment
3) When they've agreed to be exclusive

Asking a man if he's talking to another girl and him responding "no" doesn't mean it's a relationship and it doesn't mean their exclusive as a couple. It simply means he's not dating another woman is all. And it doesn't mean that he won't begin to date one in the future.

He views what he did as perfectly acceptable because he didn't make a commitment to you (he only informed you he wasn't talking to anyone else) and he didn't view himself as being in a relationship, as he never asked for one.

"How could he jump into a new relationship so quickly w/out telling me he wanted to move on?"

Because I don't think he felt he had to answer to you. Again, because he never asked for a commitment or agreed to be exclusive.

And when a guy says something like this, "when he is talking to someone he doesn't talk to other girls." That's simply absurd and it's not to be believed. Men say what they have to say to accomplish what they want to accomplish. Their ACTIONS do the talking, not their words. And to think that a man won't strike up conversation with another woman simply because he's already speaking to one or casually dating one isn't realistic. That can only be expected when the two are in a committed relationship, which I don't think he felt he ever entered into here, regretfully.

If he's genuinely interested, honey - he'll come back. And if he doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be :-(

Anonymous said...

@MOA:
Thanks for the feedback. I realize now I need to work on my insecurities so that I can have a meaningful relationship in the future w/ the next man that comes into my life. This has definitely been a life lesson. In time, I know I will heal and learn from this experience.

- Hurt & Confused

Anonymous said...

You are awesome MOA ! Jan 7, 2013, 11:29pm again, he txted yesterday, I didn't respond and he txted today again which I took 20 minutes to respond. Kept small talk to a minimum and he said he was going to a friend's house. I kept it aloof and he was being more attentive than usual. thanks!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
I'm telling you, nine times out of ten, this works.

And next time you talk to him, try this. In the middle of small talk during texting - fall off the face of the earth as our dear Helen so eloquently said on the "disappearing/reappearing" man post here. Just disappear and go silent for an hour or so.

And do that when you think conversation is coming to and end. Don't say, "Bye" or "I'll talk to you later."

Just go silent.

Next thing you know, they're contacting you regularly trying to keep your attention, LOL.

And before you know it, you actually HAVE their attention - by NOT GIVING them YOURS ;-)

Men are the strangest damn creatures. . sigh.

Anonymous said...

From Anonymous 6th Jan 09:21am

Hey Mirror,

Cheers for your response on your beliefs on life and destiny. As you can see, our destiny may not necessarily be fixed - but no human actually knows 100% what the truth is whilst they are on earth but they may guess it right. You and I have exchanged comments before :-)

The reason I ask about destiny is, because, I think I've messed up my destiny. I know that may sound difficult to comprehend. But allow me to elaborate.

Every single man I've been with, I truly believe, led me to my ex. But, when he started pulling away (much less romantic texts, less contact, no grandiose dates set up by him anymore) after a perfect start for three months solid....rather than me playing hard to get which is what I wanted to do....and like your blog advocates....I ended up hiring a Relationship Coach (who was utter shit but I was vulnerable/taken in by her guarantees and sales patter and she came recommended by a mutual male friend of hers, and I hired her for three months and she was supposed to know about Depression too - my ex said he had it but hadn't been diagnosed - so that's why I hired her....and my relationship went from 'on a level and balanced but with confusion/concern on my part as he pulled away and starting to dip', to rock bottom and even below the earth's surface with her help for anything long term). (Yes, keeping him interested in the short term with her advice was fine...a date once a week and sex - which is what it turned into).

I feel to blame for obviously trusting her, but I am so angry with her as I totally told her some of the stuff she was advising was against my instinct (she'd never met him and I knew him) and your instinct protects you right and instinct always knows best.

He did not call me for one week once, five days another time, three days another time, so I wanted to wait many days to respond to him (he'd have just kept calling, I know him as that's what he used to do if I didn't answer the same day I'd get calls till I picked up on the third one), had I given him half the chance after he pulled away. The coach said, "oh some men don't like ringing much, it's just not them it's fine." I was screaming at her trying to hear me that he used to contact me everyday at least once for three months solid before...but she continued with the same response that I should keep answering his calls etc. and be flighty with him. No wonder he never blew my phone up wandering where I was and getting more keen and getting more attached to me.

Then he began calling the shots of what night to meet too, yet the coach said to go along with it and be available every date and not cancel any (which I'd wanted to and I asked her if I should)....ya know, that kind of stuff.....all against what I'd normally do (more along your advice).

Cont....

Anonymous said...

Cont...


So the result was I ended up becoming a carpet for three months at the end of the relationship and it felt like he lost respect for me. (he never said he lost respect, I just saw it with his actions, that his respect for me diminished) and he took me for granted and I became weaker and weaker.

It was almost like, it turned into, he loved my company and enjoyed the sex and took me out someplace nice....but he changed, and it was like I became a fuck buddy girlfriend rather than someone way more serious.

So I think....and kick myself and ask myself: Had I done the mirroring, played hard to get, and not listened to the Coach...he may have become addicted to me again and saw me as something more long term....or was he just back for sex anyway and I found out early? Or can a man change from wanting you to be his wifey to just a girlfriend - I seriously think, with my not playing hard to get, this is what happened but that I could have alivated his change of tone in me being a potential wife to girlfriend/fuck buddy to BACK to a potential wife had I been myself!!!!!!!!

My relationship before him I was totally in control and knew how to handle the Italian guy and he couldn't get enough of me with my mirroring ways, cancelling dates, not answering all my calls - ya know, usual stuff.

So when this ex started to pull away, I thought I'd use similar tactics and I only hired the Coach because the ex said he was depressed and I wanted to understand how to deal with a man with depression. (He didn't seem to have it bad to me...he was always upbeat and intense emotionally but balanced and cool but yes I saw him down twice...but a couple of weeks I didn't see him...perhaps he kept it all behind closed doors, he said he was anyway but I wonder if part of it was an excuse to get away from me during our bad patch when he just naturally wanted to pull away like a man does.)

What I have done, is put my relationship with the most important person in the world to me, in the hands of some non-expert, and it fucked up big time.

Therefore, I do feel like I have lost my out on my destiny with this guy. That my destiny has passed me by. That God, if there is a God, let's say there is, that god had him lined up for me, or if there isn't, well, either way, the ex doesn't love me now he says so.... Maybe he was the One and I fucked it up hiring the coach. And he was the Only One for me. This is how I feel. I've never met anyone like him before...I wasn't bothered about my other ex's, I do believe the experiences with them led me to him....but this ex.

I think, we are in Movie A, and if you learn lessons and become a better person you can move to Movie B, if you don't - you just stay stuck in Movie A....and if you learn even more....then Movie C awaits...and so on.

Cont....

Anonymous said...

Cont....Final part

So I figure he was supposed to be in my Movie B....but now I'm stuck in Movie A still....I genuinely feel this was not supposed to happen purely because the coach wasn't a qualified psychologist/psychiatrist. If she was, I wouldn't be so concerned as I know a professional wouldn't say what she did but would be more concerned about my instincts and feelings. (I've asked one since and she was appalled at the coach's advice and the amount of pain it had led me to be in).

Then again, there's nothing I can do about the past now anyways as the ex don't wanna get back with me. For obvious reasons in a way I think...I turned from being this woman who could handle him, into well, you've read some of it above. I do wonder what I've learnt, because I used to follow my gut before the coach anyway and hiring a coach was a one off....so....yeah, I do feel like I ruined my gift from God and that was my big chance.

Nothing I can do about it now eh. Nothing I can do. One of the worst mistakes of my life (THE worst mistake of my romantic life for sure). Messed up my capacity to earn financially as a result, my friendships went downhill, and my relationship with him ended, and it cost me money as well as I had to pay the coach. Tragic story.

I'd love to believe he is coming back if God wants me to be with him, but in reality, I can't see it. sometimes you get just one chance and perhaps God was mad with me or just decided my ex should be with God's other choice as I failed the test or rather, did take the gift from God but blew it up.

One day perhaps I need to try to forgive the coach in my own head (not tell her) to help me get over it.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
I don't know honey, I kind of look at it like this - that experience "hammered" you out properly so that when "the one" really does come along - you know exactly what NOT to do know :-)

I'm no professional. I'm no expert. I'm simply a woman who has learned the hard way myself, read lots of books, studied human behavior, educated myself - and am here, sharing what I've learned with all you gals.

And none of this is magic, it's simply pure logic and common sense. Women vibe off of their emotions too much and if they'd just boil it down to common sense, they have the answers right in front of them.

And with regards to psychiatrists, I hate to say this because I know there are some good ones out there, but you know what I've found with many of them? They're just as messed up, if not more, than the rest of us ;-)

Anonymous said...

To Mirror from Anonymous January 8, 8:20 PM

I've had a great spiritual experience today and tonight and decided tonight I'm done with looking back on it. Your forum has been part of a bigger healing process for me and figuring it out. Anyway, I've just come to read your post just now, and you're spot on with your hammering. I am moving on! No longer wanting him! Forgetting about the whole messed up experience! I'm just looking for the positives for ME in the experience now, of which there are loads purely because I met him and so I am grabbing those benefits and taking them with me for the rest of my life because I am a better person know and have the tools to be happier within (I'm not totally happy just yet, but I know I CAN get there!) This moving on and not looking back will be a major step in my next stage!.

If it's meant to be, he'll be back, once he's missed me enough. If he doesn't miss me, that means he doesn't care enough about me or miss me enough, so I wouldn't want him back anyways, so he can stay gone ;-)

Life is GREAT! I'm looking forward to my next romantic adventure!

Yes, I imagine psychiatrists can be mental, probably with all the messed up information their clients give them whirring around their minds ;-)

Anonymous said...

HI MIRROR
i hope i had discover your blog before anyway its not toop late
anyway i hope you will analyse my situation
im 32 arab women , i m giving you this detail cause the marriage for men and women are so important in our culture and we are so conservative society with the tabou and conatradictions..
i met a men since october , hes cancer and i m cancer too , everything was great , very family guy , gentleman, he follows all the rules of dating , i did too , the chemistry the affection and everything was there , we ve been talking about marriage kids , projects for the future , he s been calling at work , texting talking together before going to bed , so he was indeed ....and i start to feel also attachement for him
he said that he loves me and he cannot live without me as women next to him , on dec 9 th we are supposed to go out , pooph.. no conatct at all , 1 day after he texted telling me that he need time to think because he saw thing that made doubts on his brain and he will call me when he is ready to talk
ok FINE I DIDNT DO ANYTHING I GAVE HIM THE SPACE HE NEED ,

Anonymous said...

CONTINUED
he was supposed to go to visit his parents back home on christams that i knew about it month ago its fine , so his departure was on dec 23 th , i knew he left for 2 weeks vacation and will be back on jan 4 th ! but during these 2 weeks it was no conatct no nothing
on Christams day he sent me an email to tell me :/// i have arrived , i cannot stop thinking about you hope you are doing well///
i did respond next day and made it short and sweet : have a good vaction with your family
the day after he texted me telling that he wants to talk to me and pls he appreciate if i dont sulk on him , so we start talking , he said that we is sad and his family even noticied that and they made the remark to him that his head is on the clouds and he is not happy as he is suppose to be , he said he missed me amd he loves me and i truly know that he loves me but his question is if i love him too !!
after he called back and i asked what are the things that made the doubt on his toughts he said that i wanna mold him and i d'ont accept him the way he is , wich is not true , !! i said you should communicate with me , not acting the way you did , so he apologize and he said we was wrong !
anyway during all the 2 weeks he s been there he was calling me everyday , telling me he loves me , he want to marry me he cannot live without , texting me veryday , telling where he is doing and all the details !
he also send me flowers on new year eve , with huge : LOVE YOU CARD
so his flight back was on jan 4 th , we have talked the night before his way back he was preparing his luggage and he said as soona s i arrive there i will call you and come right away to your appt
so its was 9 pm , his flight arrived at 5 pm and didnt heard about him , so i called no answer , text message /left voice mail message : NOTHING HE DIsappeared !
so i didnt do anythifng more , only sending a message telling him , that was brilliant from his side !!!
so from the 4 th i have no contact with him , his radar is off , i shut down mine too !
SO MIROR , WHAT IS HAPPENING , DID HE FAKE IT , DID HE SCARED !! WHAT THE HELL GOING ON !!
iforgot to tell you we didnt had sex at all , for the 3 months dating , also because of the culture and the religion we both know where is our limits !
as muslim we are not suppose to sleep with men or women without beeing married
so I ALSO FORGOT ONE DETAIL , WHEN HE WAS there he said that we want to go to see my parents since he is there already just to introduice hiself to them , i said no , because we have lotoff things to talks together about it first , he said ok !!!!
is it because of this ????
please mirror what is the expalantion !!!!
i m going crazy !!! is he a player !!!!!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 11, 1:18PM,
I'm not well versed in your culture, but I will try my best here.

I don't think he's a player, I think he's confused and I think, for some unknown reason, he's fighting his feelings for you. And this could be a test. To see how you handle this. He may be testing to see if you'll freak out, get angry and become emotional.

So whatever you do, maintain your composure here with him when you do speak to him.

I think he cares and I think he'll be back. Don't contact him anymore. Let him contact you when he's ready. The longer he doesn't hear from you, the more he's going to miss you. So it's only a matter of time before he reappears again.

But when he does, DON'T answer right away. Make him wait it out a bit to hear back from you. This will make him miss you even more. Return that call the next day.

So that when you do speak to him, he really misses you and is finally ready to talk.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror
Thank you for your prompt reply
Let put the culture aside , my question is how come he was so exited and he could wait for his flight back , I know I m repeating myself but he could t stop telling me I ll come right to see u from the airport
You don't think we went far with this behavior ????
This is a disrespect , if he just sent a text message , I would be more than grateful and comprehensif but this childness attitude cannot handle it
Maybe he feel insecure ????
So why telling me big words !! Why doing the love actions !!!
I m now scared and lost confidence of him ????
Is he the husband or the father he will be ???? Disappearing and reappearing when he want ??? Wich kind of trust is this ?????
Correct if I m wrong Mirror ??? Please
Maybe he faked it !!! Who knows !!!!
But men normally don't talk much emotionally like this
If he can say word I love u he means it and asking for commitment and marriage it's big for men , this besides the culture factor for sure
Another question Mirror please ??
What should I do when he call emailed or text ????
A confused and heart breaked cancerisn women

Anonymous said...

Hey MOA,
this is weird for me I've never gotten advice from a blogger but you're articles really nail it!
Here goes, I met some guy and we clicked instantly he got my number. Perfect. We text for a while before he disappears for like 7 months and then returns saying his phone broke and he had no phone for that time. I've seen worse cases so I believed it, and I wasn't interested in dating him in the beginning so it was ok.
When he got his phone back he starts calling me, texting me, nonstop. I mean it. Non.Stop. At first I thought it was just my imagination. I wouldn't pick up sometimes. It was fun because we had so many things in common. Then we started talking about relationship things and he explained how he dated a girl who really gave him a hard time (a good chase) and ended up breaking his heart in the end. I told him about my hardships too. I felt like we bonded. Eventually I start to meet his friends, and one day I got blunt with one of them. (taurus tendencies. hee.) He was passive aggressive and got mad but didn't show it too much. But I knew I did wrong because it was ME not cause he got upset. I couldn't find his friend to apologize. I felt horrible. This guy I talk to reassures me but starts to call me a bitch and laughs at me, mocks me etc. After some serious flirting one day he asks me what I've always wanted to do and being in the moment I go kiss him. And I thought nothing of it but as our conversations go on, he brings it up more and more. Anything that deals with me wanting him. I sometimes reply sarcastically, sometimes flirty. One time he even asked me if I wanted to "help him get over his ex gf for good". I replied maybe, but as I was trying to give him my conditions I caved and said I'd rather have no commitment for now. Because I sensed that's what he wanted.
But after one night he got kind of mad. I felt it, and I didn't know why. I thought perhaps he was growing tired of chasing me and having a cold wall facing him. (I can be like that...) So I gave him a break... and boy do I regret it. I told him I was developing a small crush on him. He said he can't have girlfriends, but I never asked him to go out.(remember I said no commitment earlier?) I kept it simple, and I told him because I had a feeling he was talking to his ex again. And he told me he was but that he didn't give two shits about her. Somewhere down the road we sext for like 2 days and that's when everything started to deteriorate. We haven't slept together or anything but the communication is virtually nothing compared to what it used to be. He says he's really busy and tired now and to not overthink anything. But I don't overanalyze, I just get a feeling he's no longer interested because we sext prior to doing other things. I feel that damaged the nature of our relationship and it kills me. He'll still call but it's very short and usually to tell me little things about his day. I feel like apologizing for putting him in an awkward position. But idk what it is.. I'm so confused. Should I just bury the dead dog?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Don't make any additional moves here. Begin no contact for at least a month. If he rings you or texts you, you ignore him. You completely disappear and give him what he (thinks) he wants - which is no commitment and his independence. And give him a good fight, a chase, and make him work for you (by ignoring him) and prove himself to you.

It's quite possible you'll hear from him in about a month or so. Don't apologize, you have nothing to apologize for and don't communicate any of your emotions here. Your job now is to act indifferent - as if you could care less.

Notice how when you behaved like that at the beginning you had his full attention?

That's what you do with him again. You treat him like you could care less, you ignore those calls and texts and you disappear for about 4 weeks or so.

I saw a movie last night and in it, this couple were friends but they kissed for the first time that night. The guy goes to drop her off and she invites him inside for a beer.

Next thing you know, he's like, "You know, my life is very complicated right now and I can't . ." The woman cuts him off right there. She interrupts him and says, "Gesus christ Bob. Save it, don't give me your crap. All I did was invite you inside for a damn beer."

And she gets out of the car and walks into the house. He's left sitting in his car and he's completely dumbfounded, mouth wide open, feeling like a fool for assuming a damn beer was like a marriage proposal.

It's just the way men are, honey. It's their ego that makes them read into every little move a woman makes - and they assume it's because she's already crazy in love with the guy.

So the less sharing of emotions a woman does with a man - always the better ;-)

Keep them guessing and never play your cards.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
I forgot to mention. In the meantime, read this piece:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

Give him exactly what he's asked for here - and make it stick to him, like glue ;-)

awkwardgirl said...

Hey Aphrodite,

I LOVE your website and I think it has some really solid advice. I was wondering if you could help me with a guy that I am getting some mixed signals from. I don't know if I'm overanalyzing things or if there are things I should legitimately keep an eye out for.

We've been talking for two months now, so it's pretty recent, and have been hanging out once or twice a week, consistently, since then. Things have been going really well, and we'd been texting or talking online every day (mostly him initiating it, and I really hate phone calls), until our date on Wednesday, where he ended up spending the night at my place. Things seemed good during the date, although he introduced me to some casual friends he ran into as his "friend," and didn't hold my hand in public. I was kinda suspicious of these, but then he told me that I could keep his sweatshirt in the morning and stuck around for breakfast. But since then...nothing. We had a brief texting convo that night that I initiated (I know I shouldn't have, but I was bored), and I haven't heard anything since then. Granted, it's only been 2 days, but it's very uncharacteristic. If it makes any difference, he mentioned something in our last texting convo about lending me one of his DVD series.

Am I reading way WAY too much into this, or do I have reason to be a little on edge?

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror,

"Your job now is to act indifferent - as if you could care less."

My ex did that to me, made me more attached to him. So ladies, it can work the other way around too!!!!!!

"Notice how when you behaved like that at the beginning you had his full attention? That's what you do with him again. You treat him like you could care less, you ignore those calls and texts and you disappear for about 4 weeks or so."

This is how you hook him back ladies!!!

Anonymous said...

It's in your power ladies. The power is in YOUR HANDS TO HOOK YOUR MAN BACK by acting like you could not care less. It will psychologically make the man MORE ATTACHED TO YOU. (It worked on me when he did it to me when he acted like he couldn't care less, went off for days without any contact).

You can do it ladies. Be brave princess warriors and strike back! teach the guy a lesson with your ACTIONS.

Have NO REGRETS because if you let a man walk all over you when he is playing up, he will probably walk away anyway and secondly, you will have painful memories. DO NOT HAVE PAINFUL MEMORIES. Take the power back now!

You see, when men walk off it's one of two things, thoughts in their head range from: can I make her happy? Can I support her? Am I ready to have the financial obligation? Am I ready to just see her and discount every other woman? All that stuff....so let him work it out. The more you do what Mirror suggests, the more you will hook him.

Anything else is counter productive. Sometimes to get to your goal you have to go via a slip road. It takes longer but it's better than starting over with another man.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@AwkwardGirl,
It's normal for a man to pull back and distance himself a bit in the early days of a budding relationship. A man's natural intimacy cycle is like this:

He submerges himself in you, then comes up for air. He submerges himself in you, then comes up for air.

That's how it goes. And it's also a test. When men pull back, it's a PIVOTAL time in the relationship - it's literally MAKE OR BREAK time, ladies.

If you freak out, share your feelings and emotions and display them - off he goes.

If you disappear, don't contact him, give him his space and keep your cool - then come back.

In otherwords, they test your emotional strength. Is she crazy? Is she going to chop off my weiner with an axe in my sleep? If she going to stalk me? Is she strong? Is she independent? Is she cool? Will this be like fun, or like work?

That's why they do that, amongst many other games they play to find things out about you and/or reassure themselves that you care. But one wrong move during the disappearance and poof - he's outta' there.

So stay calm and disappear off his radar. Because you see, you're behavior started to change a bit after the sleepover. And THAT is PRECISELY what men LOOK FOR when they pull the disappearing stunt. It's not their behavior that changes, it's the woman's usually. Meaning, this cool chic that didn't hunt them down, dominate their time or freak out and was lots of fun - suddenly starts to lose her cool, begins hunting them down, attempts to begin dominating their time and starts freaking out and isn't fun to be around anymore.

See what I mean?

Play it cool. It's to be expected. Don't contact him again. Give him a couple weeks to circle back around and show him that your independent, confident and strong.

In the meantime, read this very eye opening piece about these dumb damn games, written by a self proclaimed player and straight from the horses mouth:

http://emmyboy.hubpages.com/hub/how-to-play-mind-games-on-women

And once you read that, you'll understand why it's important for women to protect themselves by retreating into no contact mode.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Anonymous here is right. This is a psychological tactic that works both ways, on both men and women. It knows no gender - it simply plays on human behavior.

It's called the Law of Scarcity.

Retailers and manufacturers now of it and they use it regularly when selling products and merchandise.

And it also works in relationships. Here's a man that describes how it works in both situations:

http://ezinearticles.com/?Understanding-the-Law-of-Scarcity&id=184783

No one that's human is immune to it.

Anonymous said...

Hi mirror
did you get a chance to cheek my mail
Arab girl !!! It's me

Anonymous said...

Howdee over there in hot dog land,

I've been thinking about No Contact.

I think it only works:-
1) To get over someone
2) Immediately after a break up
3) If you're still seeing them, to make them chase you harder.

I do not think it works if:
1) You were dumped, were friends after the break up then go into no contact.

Reason? At this point, the guy hurt you, dumped you, and is no longer chasing you.

They should teach girls this stuff at high school. (but not teach the boys anything !)



Anonymous said...

Have you seen this?

http://torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/blog/4-reasons-to-contact-your-ex-today/

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 12, 8:24PM,
Well if this happens "You were dumped, were friends after the break up then go into no contact" - your chances may decrease because you've thrown a monkey wrench into things by remaining in contact after the breakup.

So yes, there's probably a decreased chance of a man resurfacing after that. And if he does, most likely, it won't be until 6-9 months later.

A guy can't miss you or long for you if he's able to speak to you whenever he wants - friends or otherwise.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Arab girl,
"my question is how come he was so exited and he could wait for his flight"

It could be a number of things. He could be insecure, he could have had something come up, he could be playing games, he may have thought things through - it could be any number of things.

"This is a disrespect"

Yes, it is.

"Is he the husband or the father he will be ???? Disappearing and reappearing when he want ??? Which kind of trust is this ?????"

It's possible he's a flake that will disappear and reappear. And if that's the case, he won't make a good husband or boyfriend or father.

"But men normally don't talk much emotionally like this"

Men lie to women everyday, sweetie :-(

"If he can say word I love u he means it and asking for commitment and marriage it's big for men."

No this is not unusual for men, they do it all the time to women - they lie and tell the woman what she wants to hear so they can have their way with her.

Read the stories here of how men tell women one thing and then do another:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/06/disappearing-reappearing-man-what-to-do.html

"What should I do when he call emailed or text ????"

I would ignore him. I would not answer the phone or return the call. I would disappear and make him prove himself to you. I would make him chase me for about a month.

Read more here:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 12, 8:57PM,
That's the most ABSURD and RIDICULOUS thing I've ever read - and it figures - it's advice from a man, LOL. Besides, even in the very slim chance that would somehow miraculously pull the two back together again, that would only possibly work with a very mature man that was open to it.

I think most women realize, even just using their natural instinct - that when you chase a man . . . all you do is push him away.

Ever hear the term, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

That's because people miss you when you're absent from them.

If you're talking to someone regularly and you're keeping in touch and communicating regularly - there's nothing to miss. There's nothing to think about (you already know what's going on in their life), there's nothing exciting (a challenge that draws the man back in and makes him interested and curious about you again which is what happens when he doesn't know what's going on in your life) and all you're doing is rehashing all of the stuff that you broke up over in the first place.

Men like fun, they like to miss women, men equate longing with love (longing for someone and missing them), the like a "spark" and they're competitive and they like a challenge - which is why they chase the women who push them away.

They think she's exciting (because they can't see her so they assume other people are wanting her attention too), they interested in getting to know her better, they're fighting to get her attention and they're intriqued and curious about the "mystery" - about why the woman won't give them her time.

When a woman communicates with an ex after a breakup - all that's going to do is keep you as friends. It's not going to make him want you back.

And before you know it - he'll be dating someone else. And chances are, it's going to be a woman he had to chase to get near.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@@Anonymous Jan. 12, 8:57PM,
I forgot to mention . . if you'd like to see how no contact works - read the recent comments on this post:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/06/disappearing-reappearing-man-what-to-do.html

I'm in the process of publishing a comment from a woman over there right now who's been using no contact, and she writes:

"After ignoring his playful text, the texts keep coming - I have been busy at work and when I finally got the chance to check my messages, all of them were from him! What is wrong with these men? Now he is so interested in my life and what is going on."

That's the "magic" that happens when you use no contact and ignore a man ;-)

Peter said...

Let me tell you ladies about "no contact" from amns view. Not only that but one that is using this on a lady right now.

I need to get it off my chest I have no one else to talk to who may understand. Its hell for me not to contact this woman. Absolute hell. I just want her, I hve done everything possible to show her that but it always backfires. I have explained the sitution to MOA. Not put a foot wrong yet this woman thinks everything I do is "Weird". I spoke to make woman and they dont know what I've done wrong.

So how is it feeling for me? Again hell. I am not ashamed to say that this morning I did for a short time cry. Sounds pathetic as a man but it hit me this morning that the lady in question already wants me to leave, she dislikes me already. Heart breaking knowing the person who you "no contact" actually wants that and cant see your feeling. Not only that but she blames it on me.

How does it impact me?well I can't speak for other men but I do feel like less of one for now knowing how to unlock this woman and give her waht she needs. Combine this with her attitude and I feel inadequate and 2nd best right now.

This is how it feels for one genuinly interested man to have to use this.

Anonymous said...

The "No Contact" rule is working on me. Ever since he ignores me I've been looking at his Facebook and other social outlet he uses. I can't help myself. I'm worried if he will be with another girl even though I don't want him to know it, cause I don't want him to win LOL. I don't want him to say to me "see I told you, you need me". How do I handle this? He hasn't contacted me since but he did came back. I don't know what to do at this point.

Peter said...

P.S as a side note I had contact today from a lady who initiated none contact on me over 6 weeks ago.

She is a fitness model older than me by 10 yeara. I rejected her advances as I don't date clients but I would have dated her under any other circumstances.

Our communictions ended badly andit was more like a mutual endeding of contact. Shwe ended it first and then blocked me from all form of communication(big reaction to rejection) and deleted her contact details. I really never thought I would talk to her again.

Six weeks later here she is contacting me. I am currently initiating "non contact" on a strict 30 day basis in the situation above. Nice to hear from her thought. Its odd but it shows this works.

However I am even more certain that this other girl wis less likely to contact me than the lady who is now back.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 13, 9:06AM,
"How do I handle this?"

You disappear on him and ignore his next few contacts when he returns. You make him PROVE he's genuinely interested in you before you put yourself out there to be hurt all over again.

If you jump on his calls, he'll return and then disappear again - and you'll be hurt all over again.

So with this one, you hang back a bit. You make him come to you and you make him put some effort into it. If he doesn't, then he's only half interested. If he makes continued attempts, then you can respond back after the 3rd or 4th one.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Peter,
"I am even more certain that this other girl is less likely to contact me than the lady who is now back."

I know it appears that way right now, but many things can still happen :-)

I mean, you two bump into each other, correct? You see each other from time to time regarding work or your careers?

If that's the case, the next time you see her, you look right at her and keep walking. You blatently ignore her.

Because when you do that, as you already know, all of us are only human and this tends to then happen:

"I do feel like less"

And this:

"I feel inadequate and 2nd best right now."

And it's when people reach THAT point that they begin to second guess their decision. When they begin to feel bad - about themselves, about what they've done, about how they acted and about how THEY are NOW being TREATED by YOU . . that's when most folks return to set things right or at least make an attempt at communication in some form.

It's not always a guarantee of course, but when others begin to ask this woman what happened between her and the man that purchased her those lovely flowers - she's going to have to explain herself to them. She's going to have to say, "He was weird."

And they'll ask, "Why?" And she'll give her lame examples - and others will call her on that.

They'll begin to question her and her conclusions and they'll say things like, "I don't know why you think that. That's not how I see it."

And then she'll begin to think about that when she's alone and she'll start to rehash what she did here. She'll begin to question herself, "Did I make the right decision?" "Was I wrong to treat him that way?"

It takes a while for all of this to unfold, but generally, that's what will follow.

Every person is different, however, we're all human. And when we begin to question ourselves, as humans, we have a tendency to want to then make things right.

So it wouldn't surprise me to see her resurface or attempt communication in some way, either face to face during a run in, or over the phone in some manner - at some point in time here.

But I think to jump start that thinking above in her - she needs to be ignored during a face to face encounter, if that's at all possible.

Peter said...

@MOA

She has made it clear to me to she will be avoiding face to face contact at this time. She knows where I work and can make sure she has nothing to do face to face. I guess I have to wait and see if the rethinks in here own time. I hope that the last message was read and sparks some thinking in terms of putting it right. It will be done in her own time if it is to be done at all. Having said that I don't get why that last message did'nt at least spark a responce. Unless she really has no interest in me at all which makes no sense given everything. Maybe she has her own reasons for pulling away.

Anonymous said...

To PETER

So how is it feeling for me? Again hell. I am not ashamed to say that this morning I did for a short time cry.

It's fine crying as a man, and I guess you also did it in private so who cares? A few of my ex bfs have told me how much they cried when women left them. I think men have been crying years behind closed doors, it's just now some are admitting it and we are seeing it all over the telly the last two years (Xfactor, Olympics, TV News interviews etc). To be honest, I wish some of the men would man up doing it live on TV!!! Your case, nothing to be ashamed of, very healthy :)

Heart breaking knowing the person who you "no contact" actually wants that and cant see your feeling.

Yep, I'm in the same position. He wants no contact with me just so I can heal, he doesn't care about me in 'that' way you see. Although I have known people who go into NC who DO care and like the other in 'that way' too!

I feel inadequate and 2nd best right now.
Ah Peter, don't feel like thatttttt. I've felt that too. Is it her that's making you feel that way? Or is it a childhood issue? If it's the latter, recognise it for that. You want a woman to make you feel great! Or have you known this lady a long time and are in love? The more you distance yourself from you at the moment with NC, the less she can reinforce you feeling inadequate, because she won't be giving you any new fresh feelings and future memories of yet another one of those feelings.

Good luck Peter, in whatever you do and decide.

From @Supportivesister :)

Anonymous said...

Okay, I desperately need your advice. I was going with a guy for about eight months. The relationship recently ended b/c we wanted different but we decided to remain friendly. His birthday just passed so silent him a happy birthday card. He recently sent me a message thanking me for the card but said that he didn't like that fact my name wasn't on the envelope and he had a bad experience previously. My question is what is the big deal when my address was on the card???? That is how I address on my cards. At this point I don't want to deal with this cat anymore. Am I overacting????? I find this to be too petty for a30 something year old man.

Anonymous said...

Did I break your no contact rule by sending a birthday card?? I have to make better choices with men this year.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
It's ridiculous. He's feeding his ego here. Basically he's saying, "We'll gee, that's was nice but ya know, you could've put your name on it because I have crazy chicks that mail me weird stuff....because I'm such a wanted man."

Puh-leeze, LOL.

He's stroking his own ego here because he's a wanted man, like a James Bond playa...that can't even open his mail for fear some psycho chicks gonna send a letter bomb, LOL.

What a riot ;-)

Anonymous said...

I have some typos but what I meant to say is that I signed my name in the card. I just had my address on the envelope. This how I do all of my cards.

Anonymous said...

LOL, Send him a turd in a Tiffany box next time, aka Sharon Osbourne style ;-)

Well afterall, he is an ungrateful sh*t.

(No, don't really....he will know it was VOUS!) ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Yes, sweetie, you did, LOL. No contact is no contact. A card is contact....written contact, written communication. It's no different from a text. One is written communication sent electronically and one is written communication sent via the postal service.

They're the same thing.

Anonymous said...

I had a scorpio man, who treated me like sh*t after a few weeks, well, I sent him a nice letter when we were going through a bad patch (never again ;-) - the guys should be sending US GIRLS a letter during a bad patch not the other way round). ONE YEAR LATER when I am in NC with him (after several attempts from him to get back in touch, one week after I finally delete him from FB) - he texts me to get my attention..."I just found your letter in my bag. What a lovely considerate letter. Thank you so much"

I just thought; Please go away! Him getting back in touch made me think about him for two more weeks the sh&t.

I know he was wanting a response as he contacted me two weeks later via a social media site about my new job. Again, I was like: go away! I want to FORGET YOU, YOU WERE MY MISTAKE that I learnt from. I fell for you big time but realised you weren't the one as you didn't treat me right.

I didn't reply.

So two more weeks he is in the back of my mind.

That was three weeks ago, I have forgotten about him again now. Until I read your post. It's cool though. I don't want him and will not spend two more weeks thinking about my mistake again as I don't love him anyway! Jack^ss ;-)

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I made a dumb mistake. I just sent the card b/c I thought we were cool. I made a big mistake!!! I can't believe this cat sent this text message to me about a name!!!! I am going to take a little break from dating. I am exhausted!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
LOL...I'm currently on a two month self imposed dating hiatus myself right now...brain drain ;-)

Anonymous said...

It wasn't that big a mistake (hell I've made MUCH WORSE mistakes in my past!!! - You kept your cool with it and it was a nice ONE OFF thought (see, one off - big plus there) and weren't an emotional wreck sending him cards week in week out, that's a mistake mate ;-)) cos he will have that card and come back one day for you to brush him off, if that's what you wanna do.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the advice!!!!! I m just trying hard to not make same mistakes over and over especially to ungrateful dudes!!!!!!!!!! Ugh!!!

Anonymous said...

Hey there M.O.A. Loving your blog!

I have a situation where a guy has gone from intense super keen/constant messages - to really dropping the ball/barely in my life - but enough to still make me think he is still around. Also he does this thing where he just doesn’t reply to my reply but starts a new conversation a few days later!

He is a Taurus. 1.5 weeks before Christmas we met online and he was emailing and texting all day every day, sent a few pics when he was out, sporty action shots, a photo of his cocktail drink etc. I knew where he was everyday for 5 days.

We first met up on the 5th day and we instantly clicked. I don't usually kiss on the first date but we did. He felt so 'right'. He told me that it all feels so easy and asked when he could see me again! We set up a date for later that week.

He continued with the constant msgin, early in the morning til night. I smiled when he sent one saying: "We should be hanging out"

On our second date, again great chemistry, lots of kisses and hugs. He said it feels so comfortable with me. The following few days he contacted me a lot less but I knew that big things were happening at work for him.

On our third date - lots of banter, laughing, flirting, him picking me up and carrying me, slapping my butt, being flirtatious etc. He 'threatened' to take our future kids skydiving (as i don't like it).

We got drunk and I slept with him. I wanted to wait 8 weeks but I guess it just felt so right. When we woke up in the morning the first thing he said was "So when is the wedding?"

(I don't take these comments seriously by the way).

Right after that date he was at his mum's place for 4 days for Xmas followed by a 9 day trip to the middle of nowhere. I wasn’t sure when (or if )I would see him again. I did worry that I had ruined everything by sleeping with him.

He msged on two separate days. Two of my replies included photos or questions that he didn't respond to. Odd.

I msged him Merry Xmas on xmas day so bit more msging there.

After xmas he went away for 9 days as did I for 7. We barely had phone reception during this time and there was no contact for 9 days.

Due to the two weeks apart it felt like nothing had ever happened /momentum was shot

He msged when he was on his way back home and we met up 4 days after (his suggestion on his 3rd day back).

I still felt that his amount of messaging had super majorly dropped off. (Again he didn't respond to a few of my questions in my responses and he also didn't call me when he said he would). I couldn’t’ help but wonder if he had lost interest or met someone else.

On the night we finally got to see each other I was really sick and he was really tired from his trip so it was just a super quick 2.5hr date. Then both of us were sick for most of the week after that (which brings me to today).

There has been minimal contact following our last date. I’ve initiated twice and he has initiated twice. (again a few times he just hasn’t replied to my question to his reply!)

On the weekend I decided to do the no contact thing. Soo for two days none of us were in contact (I even went on other dates in that time) then Tue morning (a week after our last date) he emailed me to ask how my week was going and told me he has been sick, very tired and is teaching at nights all week (on top of his day job).

I feel like that was a good sign that he was 'checking in' and letting me know that he was sick and busy etc. Again he didn't reply to the question within my reply!

That was almost two days ago now and no contact - so I am hoping he will surface with a date when all the sickness and teaching dies down.

I feel like he has become really lukewarm and barely interested (compared to how he was in the first week). I am not sure how else I can get that level of intensity back again now!

Also, what is up with him just not bothering to reply to my questions in my responses?! Should I bring that up next time I see him!?!? Or pretend I haven't noticed?

Anonymous said...

I have read your articles over and over again, Wish I had read your articles earlier. I cudnt agree more with your dating advices. Cudnt help but clapping here when I was reading them.

My bf and I are in a long distance relationship. And we are still in the beginning of the relationship and have a future plan together. He disappeared on me last weekend when we were supposed to be skyping for the first time since we are apart. He reappeared the very next day and said sorry he forgot even though I did send him a message on the day, no repond of course. So I stayed calm and tried to be cool about it and still talk to him ( Actually I am not ok with that AT ALL!!!! And I was thinking " Ok!!!!! If you need space I will give you more than enough!!! )

I dont know if the No Contact rule applies to a long distance relationship ? And I have talked to him already after him disappearing and reappearing. Does this rule still work? Will he be confused why I disappear?

Anonymous said...

from the ARAB CANADIAN GIRL
hi Mirror its ME THE ARAB GIRL !!!
hope u re doing good
I REALLY NEED YOUR HELP ON this YOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO EXCATLY
i kept the no contact we decided last time
I received text message from him this at 7 am :
***good morning how are you doing ???
ME : NO REPLY
HIM : another text message at 9:30 am saying : I know you will not reply ,but its ok no problem !!!!
ME : NO REPLY !!!
pleaseeeee help i dont want loose him Mirror !

Anonymous said...

Mirror is Mariana again. This boy aint call me back yet after he text me on new year. I still didnt contact him but i want to text him and just say hey. i thought after i did no contact and he text me on new year he would call me in a couple days but he didnt so where he at? You think i can just text him and say hey? Please tell me.What you think he gonna do next and what you think i should do?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 16, 5:28PM,
"Also he does this thing where he just doesn’t reply to my reply but starts a new conversation a few days later!"

It's a game. Read this, written by a self proclaimed player:

http://emmyboy.hubpages.com/hub/how-to-play-mind-games-on-women

"When we woke up in the morning the first thing he said was "So when is the wedding?"

Big RED FLAG. It takes men a VERY long time to develop real feelings for a woman and decide he wants a relationship with her. When men start talking like that, it's fantasy and BS talk. I had one man call it, "fun talk." It's not sincere and it's only mean to suck the woman into going along with their plan - free sex.

"I am not sure how else I can get that level of intensity back again now!"

I hate to say this dear, but the reason men pursue with intensity is to - get laid. And once that's accomplished, they feel they can easily accomplish that again with the woman - so there's no need to pursue it intensely all over again :-(

"Also, what is up with him just not bothering to reply to my questions in my responses?! Should I bring that up next time I see him!?!? Or pretend I haven't noticed?"

Couple reasons. One is, he doesn't feel he has to answer to you, so he's not going to. Second is, it's a game to get YOU to pursue HIM - so he can sit back, do nothing, and have his cake and eat it too.

Don't contact him and don't mention him not answering the questions the next time you communicate.

Because the reality is - he's doing that ON PURPOSE. He wants to push your buttons to see if you'll mention it and begin to feel insecure. By making women feel insecure, men get to see "the real woman." Will she freak out? Will she interrogate him? Is she a psycho?

They pull little stunts to test women to see what happens.

Don't fail that test.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 16, 9:01AM,
Yep, it still applies. And it applies because the point is to make HIM worry about YOU for once, instead of the other way around.

That's what wakes men up and snaps them out of their arrogance and taking advantage of a woman.

At the very least - you mirror his behavior. For instance:

"He disappeared on me last weekend when we were supposed to be skyping for the first time since we are apart. He reappeared the very next day."

You should not have made yourself immediately available to him after that. If he took a day to get back to you - you take a day to make yourself available to him. If he keeps you waiting a day, you make him wait a day. If he ignores a communication, you ignore his next one.

That's how a woman signals, with ACTIONS and not WORDS, how she expects to be treated by a man. You don't reward someone for treating you poorly or taking you for granted by making yourself available to them.

So when he pulls these stunts, you pull them right back. Create balance in the relationship and signal to him that this is NOT the way he's going to keep a relationship with you.

After a few times of you doing that, he'll catch on real quick. And if he's genuinely interested, he'll man up because he'll know that the only way to see/talk to you - is to TREAT YOU RIGHT.

Because when he doesn't, he doesn't get to see/talk to you.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@ArabGirl,
"i kept the no contact we decided last time"

Good for you!

"I received text message from him this at 7 am:

HIM: Good morning how are you doing ???

ME : NO REPLY

HIM: Another text message at 9:30 am saying: I know you will not reply ,but its ok no problem !!!!"

ME : NO REPLY !!!"

Perfect. You did the right thing here. I know this is going to be hard, but you need to keep the no contact going. You need to FORCE him to THINK about what he did to you here. He needs to continue his attempts until he reaches the correct thought process here all on his own.

For instance, it usually goes something like this:

"How are you?"

No Response.

"I know you won't talk to me"

No Response. (And you see, he KNOWS he did something WRONG here already)

"Are you ever going to speak to me"

No Response.

"I don't understand why you're doing this. I had some things come up and couldn't contact you. That's all it was."

No Response.

"Are you ever going to speak to me?"

No Response.

"Hey look. I'm sorry I didn't contact you. I know I should have. Can we meet to talk?

And THAT'S when you respond - when HE goes through the THOUGHT PROCESS that's necessary to realize that he owes you an apology and he's finally ready to talk about it.

If you respond too soon - he'll never reach the point in his thought process that he's ready to talk about what he did wrong and address the real issue here.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Mariana,
"This boy aint call me back yet after he text me on new year."

That's fine. It's only been two weeks and this usually doesn't start to work until one to two months have passed.

"i thought after i did no contact and he text me on new year he would call me in a couple days but he didnt so where he at?"

He's probably up to no good, LOL. If a man is genuinely interested, he'll resurface. If he's only half interested, he'll make one or two attempts and move on.

So if he doesn't make another attempt, I'm sorry to say, he's only half interested :-(

"You think i can just text him and say hey?"

You can do anything you like, sweetie. But realize that if you do that, you put yourself out there at risk to be used again. Because when a woman does that, the man will pick up right where he left off - he'll sleep with her again - and disappear - AGAIN.

"What you think he gonna do next and what you think i should do?"

Well this is how you sniff out a genuinely interested man from a man that's only half interested and is seeking free sex.

If he doesn't come around again dear, he's no good. He's a player seeking free sex.

If he makes several attempts, he's a genuinely interested man.

Anonymous said...

Hey @Anonymous Jan. 16, 5:28PM,

I had a similar thing. He never replied to all my questions either. So I caught on after a few weeks and stopped asking them :)

Good luck

Anonymous said...

HI MIRROR ! ITS ME ARAB GIRL , i think you gonna kill me but first listen
i wish i could travel and be next to you its not far anyway ,i m in torornto anyway its not far !!!!
, I THINK I DID A MISTAKE , i didnt receive your reply back on time beeing...
Here it goes Mirror :
he called twice after that no reply message from me , I DIDINT ANSWERD
voice message from him :phone hanging and whisperr
second message from him: i m really not feeling good
ME: after 1 hour i replied to the message saying , by respect to myself and to the other people i always answermy messages , to answer your first message i m doing good , th other messages i dont have time for that crap
HIM:despites of what happened and whatever you gonna think, for all this week i never stopped thinking about you and my love for you never changed
ME:sorry but your actions speaks louder than your works, i turned off , i value myself amd strongly beleive

Anonymous said...

CONTINUE ARAB GRL
and strongly believe the man i chose you will value mee too , anyway i did copy the message the women on the exemple of disaperring reapping theconsequences .....
HIM: I LOVE YOU , deeply love i know that
ME : NO REPLY
pleasesssee help mirror
cannot stand this anymore

Anonymous said...

ARABGIRL CONTINUE
hes a cancer male zodiac and i ferad your topics concerning this zodiac , its totALY THE DESCription of what you are giving
, this cancer need reaasurance and need u to drag them out of their shell wich is true
so if we push too much .....its not good
i m sure as u said he s fighiting his feelings , he is freaking out , he have fears ....
i dont know what to think MIRROR

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@ArabGirl,
Sit tight honey, this is working. He's thinking.....about YOU. Let him miss you, let him think about what he did.

Disappear on him again, no contact. You haven't gotten an apology from him yet. Don't mention that to him and don't ask for one and don't tell him you deserve one.....wait for HIM to realize that's what he needs to do here.

Wait for him to apologize.

Anonymous said...

MIRROR
thank you thamk you , thank you
so what i did is good or no ??
so to recap now ,
last commnunication is :
him:i love , i love deeply , i know
me : no reply
what do you think he will do next ???
what i should do , its hard mirror ....
I THINK THE BEST TO DO HERE IS TO TAKE THE FLIGHT AND COME TO YOU AND TALK WHOLE NIGHT ??
by the way where are u located in te states

Peter said...

@Suppportivesister

My apologies for the late reply.

Actually it was little in public which was odd for me, I did for a very short time cry over a coffee with some female friends. Then that was that and done.

I don't think she has ANY thoughts of me at all. Friend or other but at first she did. She still has yet to reply. My friend emailed her and she wont reply to her either. I never asked friends to get involved but I can't stop her making contact.

If she was thiking of me she would reply right?

I feel in the way described because when the one woman I found that could blow me away came into my life I never found the solution to her. I never manged to show her I can be what she most needed. Its not that I'm acutally less its that I blame myself for not getting it right.She must hate me right now that all I can see, for her to act this way.

Anonymous said...

Hello MOA,
Quick question - is NC for men or women? What if both people are using NC and/or mirroring because they've read it's the best tactic, and then you have two people too stubborn to contact eachother or just copying eachother and getting into a muddle?!! If the man is suppose to pursue, then mirroring should be done by a woman right? If for example, Peter (I'm sorry Peter as I don't actually know your story, but since you're a guy I'm just going to take an example here - if he's using NC, then maybe the girl thinks he's just not that interested when he's actually very interested). So confused! :S

Peter said...

@MOA

On another note another lady(Aries I told you about who left for no reason) has now reappeared after about 8 months "no contact". Asking how my life is and if I'm married yet blah blah.

It is working but not on the on the one I'm after. Maybe it's not been long enough yet?

Anonymous said...

Hi,

I was just wondering if this works if you're interested in someone and are friends but the person asked for space due to my feelings for him. I think that he has feelings for me but is denying them due to some problems with a previous relationship. It has been a week of no contact.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 17, 10:31AM,
"is NC for men or women?"

Both.

"What if both people are using NC and/or mirroring because they've read it's the best tactic, and then you have two people too stubborn to contact eachother or just copying eachother and getting into a muddle?"

No one, male or female, should be using no contact unless they're suffering a breakup and need to get over someone or the person has treated them poorly and they want to set boundaries.

I don't recommend using this to manipulate someone or play games. It's actually meant to either 1) Stand your ground and demand proper treatment or 2) Get over a breakup.

Although I've seen men recommending to one another to use it nefariously:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=153752

"If the man is suppose to pursue, then mirroring should be done by a woman right?"

Yes.

"if he's using NC, then maybe the girl thinks he's just not that interested when he's actually very interested"

That's why men use this tactic on women nefariously. In the link from the thread I listed above, a man writes:

"Women can not stand being ignored, especially by guys that they know were interested in them. It makes them wonder why you lost interest all of the sudden, and they will use their vagina to capture your attention back if they can."

Don't fall for that prank. Men use it to get into your pants. Women need to use it back on them to protect themselves from being used.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Peter,
"Maybe it's not been long enough yet?"

I believe this may be the case. She treated you poorly and, as a result, you're forced to use no contact.

But once she sees that you've lost interest and has time to think about her bad behavior - she may return to set things right again. However, it could be a while.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 17, 4:42PM,
"I was just wondering if this works if you're interested in someone and are friends but the person asked for space due to my feelings for him."

Yes, if someone is rejecting you, use no contact and make the live with the CONSEQUENCES of their decision:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

Anonymous said...

Peter,

'If she was thiking of me she would reply right?'

The first post I read from you on the girl you like is from January 13th, is that right? So, from reading what you say, I've no idea what the context of your relationship was. Were you in a relationship? Have you kissed her? Do you think she fancied you? What's the story? I can't respond unless I've heard the detail.

Best,
SupportiveSister

Anonymous said...

Hi, I am that LDR girl (long distance relationship) who posted earlier.

Thanks sooo much for your reply, that no contact rule worked after I disappeared for 2 days.( I did drop a message to see if he is ok after seeing the news about the helicopter crash. And he got back to me immediately. But then I didnt respond, gone in silence) Then the next day, He sounds thrilled and cudnt wait to talk to me when I resurfaced. To be honest, I felt good about myself after disappearing. I have more time to do things what I really need to work on instead of worrying about him.

The thing is that my bf is such a charm, there is always girls leaving flirty messages on his facebook. And I just saw one of his friends shared a funny pic about relationship on his FB and that she posted " Mwahahahaha"...My bf did say she is just an old friend. But the post and some pics of my bf and her make her look like she was in a relationship with my bf. And our relationship status on fb still remain single cos it's only just beginning, and I dont want to change it till he changes his.

So here are my questions.
I dont know if I should ask about her or other girls? Wud that make me look like a jealous gf?
Sould I initiate contact when we are in a LDR relationship? Cos it's always me doing this. We will be together in a few month, but I'd worry It's may fizzle out if we dont connect to each other's life. But somehow I feel he needs some space from me like the time when he disappeared. The thing is we are in a LDR, it means I am not around him and he has his time all to himself, why he distances himself sometimes.
We are planning of working in the same country or being closer to each other. But that means either one of us giving up my/ his dream. I dont know, should I just follow my dream over a man and have faith in the saying " if its meant to be, it will be" ?

LDR girl

Alana said...

@Peter,

>If she was thiking of me she would reply right?

Like Supportive Sister, I've only been following your story on and off so don't know the full circumstances, but let me tell you that women sometimes don't reply if they're trying to get over you - and this is even if she was thinking of you. I don't mean it in a conscious "NC" way, but I've ignored texts from guys that I liked but thought was best if we just park things (whether it was cos I was trying to get over them or didn't think was going to work in some way) so that things didn't get out of hand.

If in time, she wants to be friends, she might reach out to you in time.

I hear your pain though - and like you, I always end up hearing from the ones I don't care about, never the one I like!!!

Hang in there... :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@LDRGirl,
"I dont know if I should ask about her or other girls? Wud that make me look like a jealous gf?"

No. Do not ask a word about her. I believe she did that on purpose - so that you WOULD ask about her and so that she'd make you feel insecure. Hence the "Mwahahahaha" comment she made.

That's an evil laugh and it means that she did that with evil intent. Do not question it or they're both going to know your feeling insecure and their behavior could get worse.

"Sould I initiate contact when we are in a LDR relationship?"

A woman should NEVER initiate contact. The only way you know a man is genuinely interested in you is if HE pursues YOU.

"I dont know, should I just follow my dream over a man and have faith in the saying "if its meant to be, it will be"?

If it's meant to be, he will come for you. Do not go to him.

Peter said...

@Supportivesister

It's a long story but I will cut it short. We met sometime ago but were both in a relationship so we had to both move on.

By chance we met again months ago by chance both single. I began to pursue her as I wanted to show my interest properly over time. We due to move things forward and she wanted to date but now she has pulled back completely. Its like a complete mood change with her from what she was to being totally paranoid and against the idea. She does not want to do anything let alone communicate anymore hence initiated NC.

I have spoken to many female friends(one of which was a former relationship therapist) and none of them know what I did wrong. The only conclusion was that she has her own issues with men. I know from friends that she is completely career focused, no other men(only in a strict friendship sense). So there is no explanation of this not even from her to me.

Now though one of my friends is speaking to her which from what I hear back there has no reply to her messages either.

If she needs time she can have it as much as she needs.If its what she wants when she is done then I will pursue her with the same honest interest and care I did before. I wont stop getting on with my life but the door is wide open as no one can predict what may months down the line.

Peter said...

@Alana

I understand your point but I really appreciate honesty and directness.I would just like to know where I stand instead of having to go NC and waiting to find something that may not come.

I would wait and build with her over time in order to work out whatever issues she does have to stop it 2not working". Only if she wants it which now I'm sure she wont. As I said you never know what may come further down the line.

Peter said...

@Alana

I agree yes sometimes a woman may do that. I just appreciate directness and honesty. I would love to know where I stand rather then having to go NC to find out what mostly likely wont come.

I am very willing if she wants it to do everything over time and properly to make it any relationship work. I want her happy thats all I want.

Peter said...

@Alana

ah I seem have posted twice as there was a crash on my browser just ignore one of the replies they say basically the same lol

Alana said...

@Peter

I wish I knew what to say... Sounds like all of us are in the same boat! :(

Anonymous said...

Mirror, I have a question. Lets say you were on the phone with your man and he told you that one of his female friends was at his door to drop something off. You know that your dude is cool with both male and females so you don't get upset. However, while you are the phone with your dude and his female friend is at his door, the call drops. He doesn't return call you back until an hour later. When he calls you, he said that battery went dead and then he had to make another call. In this example would you have immediately implemented the 30 day rule?????? I am currently assessing my previous relationship to see all of the things I did wrong! In this example I explained to him that I didn't appreciate it and that it should never happen again. He apologized but I am wondering if I was too nice???? You see, I hate to be the insecure woman who gets upset over simple stuff but I don't want to be taken advantage of. Also, I don't want to be bitter non trusting woman that ends up being alone. What do you think?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Don't say a word next time. Women communicate too much with their emotions and men don't hear that...they only hear action. Additionally, they become resentful of being "reprimanded" often. Which is what women tend to do when their emotions or insecurities are raised.

Next time, no words. You mirror his behavior. One hour to call you means you take one hour to return that call. And when you talk, say nothing about the incident. Then when he calls you the next day, you take two hours to return that call or text.

He'll get the picture in no time and you don't have to say a word...men hear actions loud and clear.

Anonymous said...

Okay, so you establish boundaries by saying nothing??That's definitely different for me. So, I need to focus no more on my actions. My last question: when I dated this guy we talked about the things we wanted out of life...career and relationships. I told him that I don't want to date a man for 3 or 4 years and not know where I stand. We both are in our 30s and I personally don't think it takes 3 years to know if the person you re dating is the one. Do you think thy could scare a man??

Peter said...

@Alana

I think that the case. I understand now that NC is forme as well as her. I need perspectiveonmy own behaviour to look at if I came across in a way I did'nt mean too. If I did anything wrong inthis situation I canmake sure I don't repeat it again. I also need to clear my head of her and become detached so I can see it clearly.

She needsbe gone because her view of me as she says is wrong. I gaveher a wrong view of myself withoutintending to. If its posible to comback from that then it needs to be her left alone. Shes needs to rethink and take time to have space. I undertand the process but itss till hard.

If you ever need my advice Alana you and all of the other ladies her can ask a mans perspective.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 18, 11:07PM,
Yep, that's the language of men, LOL - action, not words.

Yea, a comment like that can scare a man. Why? Because their egos tend to have them believe that because you're stating that, it means you're directing that at them, LOL.

Kinda like when a girls say to a guy, "Hi" and then walks away and he turns around to his buds and says, "Did you see that?! She wants me!!"

LOL, it is what it is ;-)

I agree with you about the 3 year thing. Personally, if I date someone for 6 months and they're not asking for me (them asking, not me), then I move on. If you're not in love after 6 months and they're not stating feelings for you - move on.

That's how you don't get stuck wasting your time on men who can't commit, are emotionally unavailable or simply seeking a "F" buddy during their down time in between women or finding "the one."

But I never TELL them that. I never tell them that's my time limit.

I SHOW them that - by disappearing after 6 months and calling it quits ;-)

Alana said...

@Peter

Hang in there - I have a feeling she'll be back :)

Alana :)

Peter said...

@Alana

I hope you're right.

Thank you :)

Anonymous said...

hi Peter,

I don't know your story as to whether you and this woman who you really want were a couple or have dated yet, or whether you just like her and haven't kissed yet :)

So I've no idea whether to wonder if you should pursue like hell, or leave some space and grow in the meantime.... Not sure if Mirror has the backstory?

@Snow

Anonymous said...

Fire sign here...

When you said, "Personally, if I date someone for 6 months and they're not asking for me (them asking, not me), then I move on. If you're not in love after 6 months and they're not stating feelings for you - move on."

What if the guy was out of town a lot, and you could only see him 10-12 times within that first 6 months? lol! Same answer?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@FireSign,
I figure an average of dates, if two people are remaining independent while dating and not rushing things...on average, 3 to 4 dates a month.

So that's about 18 to 24 dates. If a guy isn't developing feelings by then, chances are he isn't going to. So in your case, probably about 8 months to a year.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

For the ladies here, just a heads up. I've added a video to this piece that includes lyrics.

I'd give it a listen if you're still having doubts about the impact that "no contact" can have on a man.

I think the video and the lyrics tell the tale ;-)

And apparently, this man was so greatly impacted by it - he wrote a song about it hehe.

Peter said...

@MOA

Had to look at those lyrics...yes its true NC drives a man insane. Even more so if the guy was genuine and just made an idiotic mistake haha.

I am angry more that I never got a reaction to the angry message I sent while we we argued than I would be if she were angry back. Says it all really we NC each other. So ladies give these guys no reaction at all it will drive them crazy :-)

Anonymous said...

Mirror, I wish I would have read this forever ago. I recently met a guy online who I wasnt really interested in at first. But he would call me and text me a lot, complimenting me. He even said he thought I was settling by dating him. He wanted to buy me an I-phone, and a piece of jewelry,which I told him I didnt think was right of me to accept. I think over the past month and a half we have talked and texted daily. It felt like we were starting to build a relationhip and things seemed to be going well but then he just disappeared. I am a survivor of sexual abuse and was trying to move slow. I told him I just havent been in a relationship for a very long time, and just wanted to take things slow. Instead of having a mature conversation about how I was feeling about intimacy. Despite that, things seemed to be going well but all of a sudden he just stopped calling and texting. Instead of playing it cool, I called him because I thought it was my fault somehow. Maybe if I would have told him about what happened to me (I was raped when I was a child) in the past things would have made more sense to him. The being afraid to share intimate moments with him ie kissing/hugging/cuddling. After reading your post, I committed the ultimate sin and went to his house to talk about things. The conversation just made things more awkward between us. He told me he felt like I reacted negative toward any talk of commitment. I told him I took a day off of work just to come and talk to him and I wanted him to feel like I did want a relationship with him, was just trying to move along on my own terms. After seeing him I received one text the morning after and haven't hear from him since. That was 5 days ago. I dont know if you have any advice to offer, especially because of my past, but it would be greatly appreciated. And I have learned so much from reading your tips/advice.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if this is actually a truth. Because I am going throught this phase right now...
What if I've sent stupid drunk message that i kind of "love him" on NYE, lmao and he didn't respond to that at all? And everything seemed to be fine so far before that message.
I am silent for 3 weeks now, he didnt send me anything. I think he is not that into me and that he will not come back at all.
anyway my situation is different because he doesnt live in my city, it was some summer "romance" but we stayed in contact so far every week until my text. He was "romantic" in his communication skills untill he dissapeared on me.
Does he misses my attention at all? I gave him too much of it since he got back home. I was too avaliable, always texting. He did respond to me everytime. There was some communication. On the other hand I dont think he misses my attention, I dont think he misses me. I think its simple. If guy just dissapears, it means he is not that into you. I was devastated first 2 weeks, now I am living with it really fine and your articles are amazing.
My only question is: is this really true? Does a grown up single men in his 40ties knows this trick and uses is to test my patience, emotions and so on? I mean whether to text, say out loud I love you to a guy is a big deal! Really big deal!
So, I think there are two options:
1. He is testing me to see if what I've said is true and tests me to see if I really meant what I said. And he needs to find out what he wants with his emotions.
Or he is just being a coward? I might be 15 years younger and naive, but...
2. He just dissapeared because he doesn't feel the same way, he is not that into me and he is just an asshole. I think is the best answer.
Will I contact him??? NOOO! I am silent for a 2,3 more weeks for now, then I will see what to do. The only thing that matters is that I am moving on really good. Who knows if I'll be into it in a month again.
But eventually I'll just pop up on his phone out of the blue a cool just friendly text. Like I text my girlfriends who I didnt see for a long long time.
Why? Not because I'll be dessperate and lonely and miss him. Because I live by saying my granma always told me:" You need to show people no matter how much they hurt you and how bitchy they are, that you are way better and mature then them!"

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 25, 12: 12:01AM,
Well first off, I'm very sorry that you had to live through that in your past.

And in this particular situation, I think you just need to pull back here and see what happens. He may still be processing what he was told as well.

Give it some time and try to relax and stay calm. You may hear from him in two or three weeks.

In the meantime, keep dating and talking to other men. It'll keep you distracted from this one and it'll be good for your self confidence.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 25, 6:25AM,
"Does a grown up single men in his 40ties know this trick and use it to test my patience, emotions and so on?"

Absolutely. Men of all ages understand this. And here's a self proclaimed player sharing with other men, how to do this:

http://emmyboy.hubpages.com/hub/how-to-play-mind-games-on-women

"I mean whether to text, say out loud I love you to a guy is a big deal! Really big deal!"

A woman should NEVER be the first one to do that, the MAN should. By the laws of Mother Nature - man leads, woman submits.

"eventually I'll just pop up on his phone out of the blue. . . Why? Not because I'll be dessperate and lonely and miss him. Because I live by saying my granma always told me:" You need to show people no matter how much they hurt you and how bitchy they are, that you are way better and mature then them!"

What you need to understand is that men and women are different. And when women switch the natural gender roles of "man leads, woman submits" and starts being the aggressor and pursuing the man - men dislike that very much and THEY perceive that as desperate and lonely. Do that after making this proclamation of love and I guarantee you - he'll be gone for good. He's going to hear "relationship" warning bells going off in his head and he's going to run.

When a woman chases a man, she's displaying masculine energy (the man's role). Men are NOT attracted to masculine energy. Men like a challenge, the like competition and they like to win things. They're attracted to soft submissive, feminine energy.

The truly mature thing to do here is to accept the reality and walk away with dignity and grace and hold your head high - and let HIM return to YOU :-)

Anonymous said...

@the mirror thanks for your reply!! I know what i did wrong and what i shouldnt of done at all.
I know what i am suposed to do :) but will i let him come back to me?! I doubt it to be honest...
I will wait...i mean 'wait'...he is striked out already, lol :) No contact is a rule. Okay. But i think its a coward rule. I know people shut down at some point in their life. But only 10% of men do it to test women hiw much they care if they are insecure. Thats my opinion. I respect that people need a brake from us women who are neurotic sometimes. I was there with this guy and thats not my style at all. I usually dissapear. Lol but only because i am not into them. Not because i want them to want me more.
I believe other 90% of men just vanish because they are cowards also and they cant say to us directly in our face.
Anyway no worries after i said i love you at the end of my text i didnt text him ever since. Neither did he. I closed my instant messengers too. I am just disapearing on him so that he cant see me online. I do it for myself.
Did he cut me off from his life for good? Is he playing some games to see if whats i am saying is true? Time will show untill then i am thinking only about myself. Maybe ill contact him in 2 weeks as a friend. Nothing pathetic or bitchy. Maybe i wont. Its not the first time he did this. He always ignores then asks me why i dont talk to him. Lol am i mad or something. Wtf? Wierdooo

Anonymous said...

Mirror thank you for the advice. I didnt tell him about what happened in my past, I dont think we had been seeing each other long enough. But it is ok, if I hear from him in a few weeks great. If not I think I am ready to move on, I am not certain if I am ready to date anyone else.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 25, 1:09PM,
Yea, you know, when I first started this blog, it was to more-or-less explore the mysteries of the universe.

Who would've ever thought that the universal mysteries we'd be discussing here were actually going to turn out to be - MEN, LOL ;-)

And I read somewhere once, regarding a break up or a "dump" so-to-speak, that you can only expect so much depending on the number of dates. It was something like:

1-3 Dates: Nothing. The "fade" or the "disappearing act."

4-5 Dates: A phone call or a text.

6 Dates and Beyond: A face to face.

And this:

"He always ignores then asks me why i dont talk to him"

Makes me think he's insecure and he wants and expects WOMEN to chase and pursue HIM - to boost his ego.

Anonymous said...

Hi mirror....I need your advice again. I told you previously that i sent my ex a birthday card but he mentioned in a text that my name was not on he front of the envelope. FYI...my address was on the card and name signed inside the card..lol! It reminded him of a previous bad experience. Well he recently sent me a generic email. Should I use the no contact for 30 days or return his email in 3 to 4 days?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
That's up to you. But seen as how he's an ex, if it were me, I'd do the full 30 days. I'm quite sure you can think up many reasons why he doesn't deserve your attention right now. Additionally, it was a generic email.

Watch the video in this piece. That thought process doesn't happen when the man is able to reach the woman and she makes herself available to him.

It only happens when he senses "the end." A true end.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the advice. I don't have any hard feelings. I actually still care about him but I m finally starting to care more about myself ;).

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror,
Thank you for your wonderful insight into this world of men and dating! I am learning tons. And it is about time to learn...I am in my early 50’s. I intentionally did not date for almost 2 decades; it was important for me to focus on raising my child and nothing came along to de-rail me from that intent anyway.

So I am currently dating a fellow from a town 2 hours away; we met at an outdoor market in Oct. and we have been going VERY slowly, as I want it to. There have been no emotional discussions and only hugs (well – I peck him on the cheeks to say hello and goodbye – but I do that with all my friends). My mistake was admitting early on that I am not seeing anyone else and have not dated much in my life...but I am incredibly independent with a full-time job as well as pursuing an artistic passion whenever I am not at work. I am also an introvert – although most people do not understand what that means and to see me out and about - do not understand it. It is about the exchange of energy that other people require from me, and so I need my “down time”. This man seems to get that, and being a couple hours away requires planning for getting together so it works well for me.

We generally meet on a weekend day for outings. He is a gentleman – he opens doors, insists on paying for everything, often brings me little gifts every time he comes to pick me up. He made the statement early on that it is “not his way for dating him to cost me anything”, and I truly appreciate that, and have never enjoyed that before. He does not have children and was divorced 14 years ago so even though she “cleaned his clock” financially back then he has recovered. I cannot comment how actively he has dated since then, but he has admitted that he would like to find his true “partner” to spend his life with. All these things are pluses and fit with what I want. The downside is that he is a practical joker; he tells entertaining stories of the pranks he and his fellow co-workers pull on each other and we laugh. But - underlying these stories is my awareness that fellows sometimes play tricks on each other that are humiliating, and we have had the discussion (I initiated it) that those type of things often effect women differently and I would not appreciate being the butt of his jokes. I thought he understood, but have noticed recently that he sometimes makes comments about “giving me a butt whooping” or that I was “going to get a boot up my butt”. I find that odd, disconcerting and more than a bit worrisome, it is as if he views me as a child but he also had a rather “good ol’ boy” way of speaking and is often quite comical. BTW, I am petite and he is a big fellow; I am a northerner and he is very southern (drawl and all – we get tremendous mirth out of the differences in speech and I have to make him repeat and enunciate things!). I think he is rather smitten and does not know how to act around me, so tries to be playful. He is very much the provider and protector type; again – a plus for me. I am not helpless or needy, and I suspect he is both attracted to that as well as unsure how to handle it.
(continued below)

Anonymous said...

(continued)...
We are a Virgo, Virgo couple. I have worked very hard in my life to loosen up the perfectionist and critical tendencies in me – and believe have been successful at it for the most part. I am quietly spiritual, accepting for the most part, and arrange my personal world to ignore or tune out that which I cannot change or control. He often rails at the state of our country, the high usage of drugs in the younger people, about the increase in obesity, etc. and ad nauseam. I gently chide him to not be so hard on people and the world at large, because we can only control what is within our power to control. I am also very optimistic and cheerful, and grateful for the amazing life I have and the incredible challenges I have survived in my life that would have leveled many. I have shared a few stories of some of the things that have happened to me, and I believe he has tremendous respect for me. We thus far have a mutually respectful, polite but fun relationship – although I am not certain it will ever be physical as I cannot get a “read” on him yet, nor do I know yet if I want that. He is not physically attractive, but not scary ugly and I find people become more attractive as you get to know them from the inside out, so that is not necessarily a detriment. He just hasn’t really lit a spark for me, but it takes me a longer amount of time than most to get to know a man and develop true feelings anyway.

I am considering 30 days of NC, just to get myself centered on what I can and cannot compromise on with this man. I am not confrontational, and haven’t figured out a way to talk to him about his negativity. I do understand his Virgo nature, but am not certain I am up for it – I get sick of my own Virgo tendencies at times! However, there has not been a fight or any real stress between us, I just want some space. Do I explain this to him?, or just drop off his radar? He often communicates that he worries about me and wants to know that I am OK and do I need anything – it is winter and the road conditions are a challenge at times. And what do I do if he sends flowers – ignore that during my NC? That seems rude, and he has sent flowers for no reason in the past.

Thanks for your advice, and for you!! ~ Kaylee

Anonymous said...

Hello. I really like what your article says and the advice you've given. I've used the 30 day no contact and resurfaced two days ago. One, I posted a new pic on facebook after no posting for 30 days. He immediately clicked "like". After that, I sent him an email attaching a coupon that I knew he would be very interested in. He responded after three hours, said thank you, I will definitely use this. Also, asked about my new sneakers that were in the FB picture. He broke up with me because of insecuries and trust issues brought on by his last long term relationship. We were together for nine months and I often talked of a future together. We are both in our 40s. What should be my next move?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Kaylee,
"recently that he sometimes makes comments about “giving me a butt whooping” or that I was “going to get a boot up my butt”."

That's a warning so pay heed to it. He's indicating that there may come a day when he feels a need to "put you in your place."

"I am a northerner and he is very southern"

Things are still very different in parts of the South. Some areas down there still behave and think as if it were a hundred years ago. I imagine his age (born in the day of "old school" ways) and the fact that he's from the South (where men are men and women are . . err, women, LOL) indicates that somewhere in his head, as much as he wants to accept the fact that things have changed and women have been liberated and have found their independence - he still struggles with the old school mentality (men are men and women are a built in housekeeper, LOL).

" I think he is rather smitten and does not know how to act around me, so tries to be playful."

Sometimes that playfulness in men is actually their way of testing you. For instance, if a man is bisexual, he may make jokes about being with other men - to gauge your reaction on the matter. Will she be revolted or is she open to this?

"He often rails at the state of our country, the high usage of drugs in the younger people, about the increase in obesity, etc. and ad nauseam."

Again, an indicator that he struggles with modern day progression versus old school ways.

"I just want some space. Do I explain this to him?, or just drop off his radar?"

I wouldn't suggest a talk at this point as I fear his old school mentality would take that as a direct rejection even though it's not. His old school mentality means you can guarantee he has an ego and a certain idea of what being a man truly is. And a woman asking for space to him will register as a big old "NO" to him.

If you want space, simply take it. Start to take longer to respond and if he wants to see you and you're not ready, kindly tell him you've already made plans and then suggest a date a week or two away that's better for you. If he asks why so much time involved, you simply say you have a lot of things on your plate right now.

Cont . . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"And what do I do if he sends flowers – ignore that during my NC? That seems rude, and he has sent flowers for no reason in the past."

NO. NEVER ignore chivalrous gestures like that from a man that's treating you right. It would be rude, most women dream of receiving flowers from men so don't signal to him that you're unappreciative of that at any time.

Maybe it isn't space that you need here. This guy's acting like a perfect gentleman in most respects and I hate to see a man behaving properly like that and showing respect to a woman get the cold shoulder.

So maybe what you need to do here is to learn ways to cope with his negativity. Meaning, if he starts to rail about something, quickly change the subject. Derail and distract him before he starts to go off about something.

Or maybe when he does that, give him a kiss. A peck on the cheek or the lips and grab his hand and distract him that way - to soften him up.

Or maybe take a cue from him (behavioral mirroring) and say jokingly (as he does), "You know, we have plenty of time to discuss world politics and the degradation of society. How about today, we just have fun instead?"

And say it with a wink and a smile and then grab his hand and move him along, onto a different subject.

He really is being a gentleman here and honestly, I only suggest no contact be used on men who are either treating women poorly or who are suffering from a break up. I don't think this is a case that deserves full-on no contact.

If you care for him, even only slightly, he is treating you properly so maybe it'd be best to give him the benefit of the doubt here and attempt to develop different ways to deal with his negativity :-)

Save the true "no contact" for the scoundrels of the world - the ones that truly deserve it ;-)

Anonymous said...

I should add that these "butt" comments have been very recent, and feel very disrespectful to me. And a few weeks ago he put his arm around me at the cinema, and it hit me how vulnerable I was...I wanted to just throw down and go for it with him. And yet - I am not up for a heartache, at any age they are difficult to handle but the older I get the less willing I am to set myself up for it.

I am thinking if he disappears as a result of NC (and I am guessing he will - he seems to be taking cues from me) it will be good riddance, and yet sometimes I am too cautious for my own good.

Your thoughts?...and sorry for the long post!
~ Kaylee

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 27, 2:27PM,
"What should be my next move?"

Nothing. Do NOT initiate any more contact with him. Simply start going on about your life as if you've barely noticed his reappearance onto your scene.

Wait for HIM to come to YOU. If you become the aggressor here, he's going to disappear. Just remain cool, calm and collected.

And YOU wait for HIS next move ;-)

Anonymous said...

Wow - you're quick!! Thanks!, that helps. He is being a gentleman. The real issue is my uncertainty of what my personal deal breakers are, except for abuse. I would like to think he would never raise a hand to me, and am watchful and wary of that potential. The ego and the "old school Southern" thing is probably alive and well in him, and I do not know yet if there is enough of the good stuff to counteract all that. And yes - he may be the Patriarchal type that will attempt to put me in my place...but I have already told him that I do what I want, whether he agrees or not. He genuinely laughs along with me. I think that is where he sees the mystery and challenge, and would like to step up and make it work as needed. I am not certain I can really trust him, though. Old ways die hard, sometimes the person has to die along with them!

I have been taking longer to respond and being somewhat unavailable for the past week, so thank you for the advice. ~ Kaylee

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror,

I never put much faith in these advice pages but I REALLY enjoyed your article.

Basically my ex and I broke up 3 months ago,it was a difficult end... he said he still loved me and his feelings for me hadn't changed at all, he couldn't bring himself to say it was over or even to say goodbye to me. He just kept saying I was the best girl he'd ever known and how much he didn't want to do this.
I was obviously hurt and I told him I couldn't be friends with him and I told him to just leave me to deal with it, and not to contact me and mess me around. He seemed so sad and confused but agreed.

We live far apart at the momement and he is only 25 and wants to explore options to move abroad for a while...I always knew this about him- but we had dicussed it and he said he'd always consider me in his decisions, because he knew he wanted to be with me.
I feel the break up came SO suddenly and unexpectedly as he freaked out in fear of losing his independence and didn't want to feel tied down- despite how he feels about me.

We did total NC for a month...I fell off the face of the earth. Cried to my friends but never a tear for him to see.
Then, because I felt I hadn't said everything I had wanted to say that night and because it was a serious relationship where we had been ridiculously happy even up until the day before the break up; I wrote him a letter.

The letter basically said: I understand why you did this- you want to feel free to pursue your dreams and maybe you felt you couldn't when you had us to consider.
I see now this was for the best because you aren't in a place to be in a relationship with me, you couldn't make space in your life for me to be a priority because your mind is elsewhere (career). I understand, and I never wanted you to feel trapped by our relationship.
I don't hate you, I wouldn't change what we had but I have accepted that it's over- even though you said you're feelings for me haven't changed, our problems can't just be fixed.
So whatever happens- I wish you every success, and I hope you are really happy.

I said he didn't have to reply and he isn't very good with writing- I didn't want him to feel pressurised to respond.
He didn't reply but a week later he sent me a sweet birthday text, using nicknames...I fell apart a bit, but I ONLY thanked him.

We have been in NC since then (2months), I know I have to stick to it. My ex knows I'm really picky and won't just replace him, he's arrogant enough to also think I couldn't...but I also know he won't just be able to replace me and he won't even be trying to meet new girls now as he's obsessed with being "free".

I had been worried NC would make it easier for him to forget me...
Do you think the letter being so final and saying I had accepted it was over and that him not being able to put me first (totally true) and my continued silence is the best way to act now?

I know if we ever get back together it won't be a quick fix but after much soul searching and "dream accomplishing" on his part...

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

Great blog!

Have you ever known for a woman/girl to be really heartbroken for a couple of weeks after a break up with her committed boyfriend of one year, when he ends it and him to come back after No Contact?

My situation: - After the break up, I sent him six emails telling him all about our wonderful times and where I believe we went wrong, and we have about ten phone calls about it. He still kept to no. (He loved me but got cold feet about moving it forward at that time)

I'm am moving into week 9 of no contact now. It's coming up to anniversary. Valentine's Day and his birthday - all of which were dream like lovely memories for both of us. So he could be remembering all that, plus all my lovely energy now being gone out his life.

I guess my question is, do guys come back even after that kind of behaviour? Do you know any or many examples where the water has been put under the bridge and they've moved on together, after No Contact, when the girl left him alone and he decided in his own way to come back?

Best wishes,
@Wandering

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 27, 3:11PM,
"Do you think the letter being so final and saying I had accepted it was over and that him not being able to put me first (totally true) and my continued silence is the best way to act now?"

Personally, I would not have even sent the letter as it shares too much "emotion" with him. Men compartmentalize sex and emotion. To them, they are two different things. And when a woman shares too much emotion, it baffles and confuses men and makes things feel like too much work for them and very little fun.

So sit tight and make no further moves towards this one. Genuinely interested men seek you out. Flakes and players make one or two lame attempts to get you to chase them and make receiving sex from you easy for them. They also play dirty by playing on a woman's insecurities (disappearing on her) to aid themselves in doing so.

As a result, time will tell the tale here - as will his ACTIONS.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Wanderling,
"Have you ever known for a woman/girl to be really heartbroken for a couple of weeks after a break up with her committed boyfriend of one year, when he ends it and him to come back after No Contact?"

I see it all the time. Men talk a good talk but the reality is - they need women. They need sex and they need the affections of a woman. WOMEN HAVE THE UPPER HAND. As a result, they almost ALWAYS return.

Even the most macho, shallow "cavemen" of the bunch come crawling back at some point in time, LOL. Only with those types, they hide THEIR needs by acting like they're doing YOU a favor.

"I guess my question is, do guys come back even after that kind of behaviour?"

Yes, the do. But it may take much longer. Anywhere from 3 - 9 months or a year.

"Do you know any or many examples where the water has been put under the bridge and they've moved on together, after No Contact, when the girl left him alone and he decided in his own way to come back?"

There are many women sharing examples of "reappearances" in this piece, in the comments there:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/06/disappearing-reappearing-man-what-to-do.html

Thing is, by the time these men actually come around again - most women have decided they no longer even want them ;-)

No contact gives you plenty of time to remove yourself from the fog and truly see the guy for the arrogant, entitled ass of a caveman that he truly is ;-)

Gemini 50 said...

@Kaylee,
Find Ms. Mirror's comments about the one she regrettably swatted away twice.
All the best to you.

Anonymous said...

Hehe.

I read about half the comments in disappearing, reappearing men, which took a few hours LOL....but never saw anything like my situation (obviously as we are all unique :))

I guess with me and him we had 80% great memories, so I was just wondering if the crazy end (on my part....never again though, lesson learned!) would put him off returning or whether his feelings of missing me would overwhelm him so much, given it will really start to feel like the End now because I've disappeared off planet Earth to him, that he kind of forgets all the emails and phone calls I sent...and just misses me, the good parts.

That is my main thought today, will he forget the crazy bit and just miss me and that be the main thing. Will he understand why I wrote all the emails etc (not letting go, trying to make it work, contacting him for a fortnight or maybe a little more than a fortnight).... Also though, it's about him missing me, and accepting me warts and all for the crazy end too right, yeah, he should be accepting me for me warts and all.

I know you can't answer that, as you are not him, but I think from what you are saying is, yes, even with crazy behaviour on the girls side, a man can STILL come around 3-9 months later as he misses her (and forgets the crazy)?

Wow.

@Wandering.

Ms Butterfly99 said...

Ms Mirror, I appreciate the advice you gave. I'm afraid that if I wait for him to make a move he will think I'm no longer interested. If we never bump into each other and his only connection to me right now is we are facebook friends, how do I stay relevant and on his mind?I don't post on facebook often and neither does he. But we go on there several times a day. I am afraid that he will get used to not hearing from me and move on. We broke up 27 days ago. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

I have a question for you ladies. I have refused to contact the guy I had been with for the last 3 months (not yet exclusive) after a huge fight we got into. I blocked him on FB, he did me too, full on social media revenge. you get the drift. So I got a message from him on wed night and i was sad to open it and find spam :(
So yesterday morning woke up and my inbox was blowing with spam from him, So I responded to one of the emails and told him "your gmail is hacked and keeps spamming me." Just that one sentence is all I wrote. Then as annoyed as I was with all the spam I thought to myself "nah I'm not gonna send this, he's gonna think I'm trying to contact him," and just as I decide this, my iphone slips out my hand coz I was laying in bed and my arm fell asleep, I flinch to catch it and I sent it because as caught it my thumb had to land on the send button!!!!! You could hear a loud "noooooooo" come out of my room. So to my surprise he TEXTS me, but just to say "thanks for the heads up, I changed my password." Why would he even bother to text me that unless he wanted to talk to me, and after all was said and done he didn't even ask how I am? What do you think? I did not bother to respond because I believe he owes me an apology, but I think it's weird he seemingly went to extremes to sever all ties with me, even deleted my friends on FB and then he gets a dumb email like that, which requires no response o any kind and not only does he respond but he makes the effort to text me to make sure I get it? Also, who severs all ties and still keeps my number??? I really care about him and miss him, but I do not want to set the tone for our relationship to be the one where I always go and apologize, when he should be doing it, ESP in this situation. Any insight ladies? How do I proceed other than ignoring him some more? I guess he expected me to jump in his lap the minute I get that dumb text from him, but I have not.

Thanks for everything. Queenbee.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Ms Butterfly99,
He's a man. He's supposed to make the moves, not you. When a woman offers herself up to a man, the man WILL sleep with her...then he'll disappear again. The only way to know if a man is genuinely interested or not is to see if he pursues you. If he doesn't and it's you doing all of the work, that's a bad sign and your setting yourself up to be used.

Don't worry about finding ways to remind him you exist or to stay relevant on his mind...find out if he genuinely likes you or not. If he doesn't pursue you, you have to accept that it's over and gracefully move on.

Anonymous said...

@Gemini 50
Thank you for commenting! I have tried to no avail to find Mirror’s comments. However, I have read so much and am learning and digesting it.

The problem is that I am now second-guessing myself and getting very confused. This Virgo man is not perfect by any means, although I will give him credit for being such a gentleman in so many ways. He is very material, and has made demeaning remarks about his ex-wife as well as other women he had been involved with in the past that were spend thrifts and “useless” when it came to managing money. Huge red flags, particularly that he still makes comments about the ex- after 14 years. At our last outing I gently pointed out to him that he seemed to have a general mistrust and dislike for women....not to start a fight but because I needed to interject something so he would realize that his commentary was disrespectful to the gender overall. I wanted to ask at what point he would begin criticizing and blasting me, but didn’t.

The constant comments about the state of the economy, how this country really sucks now, the meth usage...he does not miss an opportunity to state his opinion belligerently and often - and I can almost recite his rants verbatim because it is the same statements over and over. At our last outing we stopped in for coffee and dessert at a bakery and he (not quietly) commented about the weight of almost every patron that entered. Then he launched into a strange compliment about how fortunate I was to not look like that, that I was lucky to have my figure considering I had a sedentary office job, and how most women in that type of work ended up with huge asses. All this - with his 50 y.o. man belly protruding. Uggghh.

He also loudly proclaims his disgust for the state of most marriages, and how poorly parented most children are today, as well as vehemently disagreeing with abortions and gay couples. Lately a large part of my outings with him have me either cringing inwardly, or waiting for the diatribe to start and wondering what I am doing there with him.

So far he seems to have me on a pedestal...I am apparently special and different in his eyes. The problem is that I will eventually fall from that height – being human and all. I appreciate Mirror’s input, but wonder if I can distract him enough to make my time with him more manageable. And then I wonder if I can ever have enough effect on him to make him realize that he may well lose out on the most amazing woman he could ever meet (Me!!!) because of his arrogant commentaries and negativity. I wonder if pulling way back, and letting him know why (should the opportunity arise), would make a difference in his demeanor. And if I should even bother – people seldom change.

I do enjoy the chivalry, his protectiveness, and his gallant gestures. But how do I figure out what my boundaries are – while he exempts me from his cynicism? And the bigger question is – won’t I spend all my time waiting and wondering when it will get turned on me? It all makes me tired just thinking about it.

Thank you – anybody!! – for your help and suggestions. I am just churning and confused.

~ Kaylee

Butterfly99 said...

Darn it! You are right. If he doesn't come after me then I will have my answer. In the meantime, I will not be swirling my thumbs. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

@Queenbee and Mirror and all other women,

What I've found is, in my experience of men coming back, that men DO keep our mobile/cell numbers, it's us women that delete them.

I usually have to check online on my cell/mobile bill to see who it is....I often recognise the way it's written or the message is regarding and even the number, but I have to double check online.

I bet your bottom dollar my ex from a few months back has my number in his phone still. I deleted it for a few months. Although I put it back in last week.

I am waiting for that call from him between now and Spring. I'm pretty sure it's coming....a feeling let's say! I will let you know if it happens! LOL

Anonymous said...

@Kaylee, my dear. You are answering your own question, in your heart, and you know it. The fact that you are so impacted by his negativity to me says enough. You have an understanding for overweight people, for people in marriages and people raising children - you are sensitive and believe in empathy. He does not. I completely understand where you are coming from and just want to warn you - what you have in terms of sensitivity is a flower that can be crushed if you let it. You cannot 'out-empathize' him. He may enjoy all your efforts to steer him away from his favorite negative comments but you will not, and cannot, change this man. Leave him for someone who does not care about his point of view. You do care, and that is both your strength and your weakness. Please let it be your strength and leave this man be - find someone who will nurish you instead. Pedestals are unreal and temporary and once they disappear all you will have left is a man with a problem and you wasting your time on trying to make him turn to love and acceptance. My dear, if he was anywhere near that point he would not be the way he is today. What is important to you (empathy, love for humanity) apparently is not important to him. That sounds like a dealbreaker to me... You cannot make him a better man, even though you would probably be the perfect candidate to do it. Take care of yourself, sister!

Anonymous said...

@ Mirror. This is Queenbee I posted a question yesterday, I just wanted to add that this guy had almost a dream relationship going for 3 months until we got into a huge fight because he would not be able to see me for new years. I b***ched him out/antagonized him (I said some extremely hurtful things. I am a Leo lady, so when I get angry/hurt all bets are off, I really let him have it)and he stopped responding to my messages when I was talking at him, even threatening to post his naughty pics he sent me on facebook did not get a response out of him. Then after I "accidentally" wound e-mailing him that his e-mail got hacked and was spamming me, he not only responds, but he texts me to MAKE SURE I get the message. I didn't text him back, but do you think he was trying to strike up a conversation, or did I act properly? I am starting to think he is testing me as well...

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