"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go? And why hasn't he called?"

How, What, When To Text Men





As many of my regular readers know, things have taken a turn into the dating world here with a myriad of dating and relating discussions now taking place. (Don't worry, we'll get back to astrology soon.) And I get asked a variation of one particular question quite often, and that is:

“Should I contact him?”

A few different variations of that are as follows:

“How should I text him?” “When do you text men?” “What do you text men?” “How do I respond?” “When do I respond?” “What should I say?” "How do you text men?"

And a personal observation about the matter is that women communicate too much, too often. Particularly in the early days of a budding relationship, the precise time when they should be communicating the least. Rather than sitting back, being emotionally strong, mysterious and confident, and letting the man pursue you, many women have taken to being the aggressors these days in relationships. That’s a real turn off to men. Let me correct that. That’s a real turn off to a man who genuinely likes you. (It’s a real turn on only to the man seeking a brief fling.)



Which, I believe, is the reason that more women, nowadays than ever, are experiencing the “hit and run” with men. Why are you being treated like a hit and run? Because you’re presenting yourself as the perfect victim for one. Being the aggressor with a man is akin to being a hitchhiker, standing on the side of the highway, using your goods to flag down passing motorists.

You get a ride – that’s it.  A ride to the next off ramp, nothing more.

And being the aggressor with men, especially when texting men, gives them the impression that you’re desperate for that ride. That you really want it, that you really need it and that you'll do just about anything to get it - even if it means selling yourself short. I don’t have to explain why that is NOT the impression you need to give the modern day male when texting men.

The modern day female aggressor is turning the dating world onto its head. And not in a good way. This behavior is making men lazy about dating. It’s not demanding that they rise to the challenge (which, by the way, they love) and it’s just downright too easy for them. As a result, many men have taken to serial dating, plowing their way through all these women who are offering themselves up on a platter.

Help a sister out, ladies. Stop doing this - right now.

You’re revealing too much about yourself by doing so and you don’t realize how much you’re saying by actually reaching out all the time. Do you realize what it says to a man when you’re always initiating the communication? Do you realize how your good morning texts are coming across to him? Do you realize how constantly checking in with him automatically tells him that there’s no other man in your life? Do you honestly think these are good impressions you’re making?

Take a look at the hitchhiker photo above?  Is that REALLY the impression you want to make?

When You're Initiating Communication First


You’re telling him you’re desperate for his attention. When you wish him good morning all the time, you’re telling him that you’re needy, that you’re obsessing over him, and that this is headed straight into relationship territory, quick. When you’re constantly checking in with him, you’re telling him that he’s on the end of a leash (yours) and that there’s no other man in your life. Hell, you’re telling him you HAVE no life. Now I ask you again, do you think these are good impressions to make early on in the dating game? Hell no.

Again, it’s akin to the hitchhiker. Standing on the side of the road, showing your goods screaming, “Me! Me! Please pick me errr . . . up.” Pick me up please. Really, that’s what you’re shooting for here? A pickup, a hook up?

Behave like that and that’s indeed what you’ll get . . . taken for a ride.

Men like a challenge, men admire confidence in a woman. Confidence is a known trigger for attraction. And triggering emotional attraction is what you need to shoot for to have a lasting relationship.

Bribery, convincing, constantly reminding him you exist . . yea, these do nothing for his attraction for you. Besides, who wants to be with someone you had to bribe with sex or convince verbally that you’re a great person and that they should be with you?

All of the below texting techniques are for responding only, not for initiating contact (because initiating contact is never a good thing unless you’re in love and you’re in an established, committed relationship. Then, it’s ok to start reaching out – a bit.)

Put on your seatbelts, gals. We’re about to take our own little ride here.

How To Text Men


Communicate In A Fun, Carefree Manner

When you do communicate with a man (in response, not via initiating it), you need to hang loose. You need to give the impression that you’re carefree and that you have a sense of humor, that you’re actually fun to be around. (Reminder: Communicating your emotions constantly is NOT considered fun for a man.)

Keep It Short

Women share too much and it can make men feel exhausted and drained. He doesn’t care what you ate for dinner or what you’re watching on TV. Keep your responses short, keep him guessing and most importantly, keep him wanting more.

Don’t Respond Immediately

If he gets a response to his texts in 3 minutes every time he texts you, you’re signaling to him that you’ve got not life, there’s nothing exciting going on, and that you’re sitting around waiting for him to contact you. It’s a known fact that people want what they can’t have. So being scarce when it comes to responding will trigger attraction for you. Being available immediately will throw a bucket of cold water on his attraction for you. You’ll be boring and predictable, not mysterious and exciting.

What To Text Men


Create General Tension Between The Two Of You

This has to be done carefully, but when done the right way, can have an INSTANT effect on a man. And it’s usually pulled off properly via some friendly teasing. For instance, if he texts you, “I’m really a nice guy” your response should be, “Well this should be interesting because I have a strict rule - I only date dickheads.”

A response like that will throw off his guard. All of a sudden, he’s intriqued. Why? Because you’re not like all the other “nice” girls. You’re not sitting there, saying boring stuff like, “Yea, you seem like a nice guy.” That triggers nothing in his erogenous zone or his emotional mind space. But take a lighthearted jab at him and boom – you’ve got his interest.

Another example might be this. Say you’re on a first date and he’s wearing a striped shirt. He says to you, “I normally don’t dress this way, but I dressed up for you tonight.” Your response should be something like, “Oh thank God because that shirt is making me dizzy.” He’ll look right into your eyes after that one. He’ll be tossed off guard and he’ll be wondering, “Did she really mean that?” Now that you’ve really captured his attention, when he goes for that look, you look right back at him and let a big grin slide across your face. Then you reach out and touch his arm (to reassure him) and say something like, “Gotcha, didn't I?”

When he goes home that night, he’ll still be unsure as to whether or not you meant what you said. Perfect. Because, you know what? He’s now thinking about you. And he’ll toss that around over and over and over, he’ll even be a little insecure over it. Again, perfect. (This is a tactic men use on women daily, playing on a bit of insecurity.) You see, you’re flipping the script on him. You’re not like other women, you’re different, and you’re not afraid that he won’t be interested in you. You’re not sitting there being fake and trying to please him, you’re sitting there being real and entertaining yourself. He’ll love that about you, trust me.

Create Sexual Tension Between The Two Of You

This, too, must be done carefully and in a respectful manner. Again, teasingly but lighthearted. For example, if he texts you and says, “I really liked that dress you had on the other night.” You respond by saying, “That’s good, because it’s going to be a while before you ever see me out of it ;-)”

Or if he says to you, “I was hoping we could spend a little private time together and maybe hang out at your place tonight” you respond by saying, “Sure, that’s fine. I have a Rottweiler (Disclosure: Mirror of Aphrodite does indeed own a Rottweiler) and a .38 Special that I’ll introduce you to if you don’t behave ;-)”

Or if you’ve met online and are planning your first date and he wants to pick you up and texts something like, “I can pick you up at 7.” You respond by saying, “I’m going to have to meet you there. You see, I’m a serial killer and my torture kit is in my trunk.”

Notice I added the wink emoticons after some of those text responses? It’s an immediate visual way to get the point across that you’re serious - but you’re also jagging – again, keep em’ guessing. It’s also a great way to make them smile and laugh, drop their guard and consider you funny and someone cool to be around. It also signals that they’re going to have to work at this a bit. Be a challenge.

Handle Aggressive Sexual Behavior Immediately, In A Mature Manner

Every guy ventures into sexual innuendoes eventually. So be prepared for how you need to handle this. First off, refrain from exchanging sexual images with one another and don't permit yourself to receive them from a man.

If a guy starts zapping you nude images of himself, it's best to cut that off right away by saying something like, “You must have me all wrong.” Or, “This is making me very uncomfortable, I was hoping you were different.” Just don’t go there, ever. It's not a good idea and dear God, never put your face in those images if you're going to do it anyway.

Men like that are players and they will send all their friends your naked photos. Trust me, I’ve seen hundreds from my male friends. More than I care too and it depresses me when I see loads of great women acting like harlots instead of real women. If you want to be treated like a harlot, send the photos (and know that you're relationship will be over in two months, either by his hand or yours). If you want to be treated like a woman and taken seriously, don’t engage in that behavior. Even in a committed relationship because when you break up, you might see those photos on his Facebook page.

When To Text Men


Umm, Never. Just Kidding – Sort Of

It’s a big no-no to initiate communication and texting with a man, especially in the early days of a budding relationship. You see, during that time, he’s hanging back and this is so that he can observe you closely. Him pulling back will bring up your insecurities and he knows this. So he’ll pull back and go into “wait and see” mode. Is she crazy? Is she a psycho? Is she needy? Is she emotionally unstable? Is she going to make me the center of her entire existence?

If you start texting him, he’ll deem the answer to all of the above questions a big, fat, resounding YES. And he’ll bolt on you.

If You’re In An Established, Committed Relationship

At this point, it’s ok to reach out. But not too heavily and only here and there. You can’t begin to overwhelm a man or dominate his time in any manner at any stage in a relationship. If you do that, he’ll break off the relationship eventually, no matter how far into it or how many months or years you’ve been dating.

If You’ve Had A Change Of Plans

If you’ve made plans and you’re running late or something has come up, go ahead and text him to let him know. It’s a sign of respect and courtesy at this point.

If You Said You’d Get Back To Him On Something

If you told him about something cool for him to check out or said that you’d get back to him about whether or not to go on a date this Friday, then yes, text him.



If He’s Made A Nice Gesture

If he’s sent flowers or an email that made you smile, something specifically for you since he knew you had a bad day or something, then yes, text him a nice thank you.

If It’s A Holiday or Special Occasion

If it’s Christmas or Thanksgiving or his birthday – go ahead and wish him well. But keep it short. Don’t make it look like it was an excuse for an hour long text session that’s going to dominate half of his day.

If He’s Texting You Consistently

If he’s in communication regularly and he seems really interested in moving the relationship forward (via his actions, not his words) then it’s ok to reach out but only once in a while. For example, if he’s been texting you good morning or goodnight every day for two weeks, beat him to the punch one morning or one evening and surprise him.

If you never do this and then one day, you do this, he’ll feel special and get really excited. But that’s only if it’s something you rarely if ever do, and have just done once or twice.

Get Into These Communication Habits


Get into the habit of communicating like this with men and you’ll have droves of them thinking your cool, funny and fun to be around. They’ll WANT to be around you, they’ll WANT to talk to you, they’ll ENJOY your company and they will SEEK you out.

So remember ladies, when communicating, keep it short, don’t be afraid to show your fun, snarky side, don’t be afraid to be yourself, be natural, be playful and be carefree. That’s it, it’s really that simple.

And men just absolutely adore simple.

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569 Comments:

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Anonymous said...

This is some good stuff. I don't think we realize that when we reach out all the time, it's saying alot . . too much I guess. I really like your suggestions on creating a bit of tension - I will definitely be trying that!

Anonymous said...

Hello mirror, love your posts!
Question : what if he don't text you for three, four, five, or more days? And maybe what If he is really and sincerely busy as he says he is? Should I send him a simple 'hello, how are you?' text? just so he knows that I'm still interested? If I keep waiting, how long do I wait?

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Whether he's busy or ignoring you it really doesn't matter - wait for him to oontact you. If he's busy and you're texting him, he'll get annoyed. If he's ignoring you and you're texting him, he'll be turned off. Texting a man first is never really a good thing.

It makes a woman look desperate, it signals there is no other man in your life, it makes a woman appear as if she has no life and men see it as weakness. They see it as pursuit - you're pursuing him, and they don't like that. They like to be the pursuer.

Trust me, he knows you're interested and if he wants to speak to you, he'll come looking for you, he'll contact you. Don't chase him. He won't like it and it's not very lady like behavior. You wait for him to contact you. And if he doesn't, then you know you're answer.

Anonymous said...

You're awesome. thanks, I'll do just that and wait and see..:)

Anonymous said...

How can a person grow to love you for who you are if the foundation of your relationship was set on you controlling, manipulating and just playing mind games?

Sounds more like low self esteem and being afraid that the one you like won't like you back for who you are.

Studies have shown that women know how they feel about men earlier than men do about women because women are more in touch with their emotions.

A (not only sex-seeking) guy might not initiate contact first simply because he is not yet sure how he feels about you, and by waiting for him to reach out, you're increasing the chances that he'll lose all interest or meet another girl who isn't scared to talk to him first.

If a guy keeps initiating contact, it could very well be that he just wants some ass and by playing this ridiculous (suggested in article) game, you're making it harder to tell/see his true intentions.

Also, none of this takes into account that a lot of people are just naturally reserved, or introverted. These are generally the smarter, more sensitive and loyal men who make better fathers. However, it's somewhat difficult for a reserved person to initiate first contact as it makes one feel well outside the comfort zone, so one tend not to approach out of not wanting to seem insincere or foolish.

Some people are just more themselves when they get approached than if they are the ones approaching.

If you are looking for something serious with a person you have an interest in, how is it a bad idea to let that person know that you are not seeing anyone else??

Do you think it is a "turn on" for a man when you make the impression that you are also seeing others? Is this really the formula to a stable and lasting relationship?

If you are going to keep waiting for your "person of interest" to initiate contact every time (in the developing stages), then you might as well buy yourself a cat now. That's as close as you'll get to a healthy relationship. It's like instead of showing interest in a job position, you are waiting that, that position will be offered to you.

Just like no woman is perfect, neither is any man. All people have some insecurities. You're just going to intimidate and scare off the other person if you keep acting like you're invulnerable.

It's clear that there are men who hurt women because they too have been hurt by women in the past. It's a vicious cycle, a war that is impossible to win because there is no survival without the other. But, who wants to be left a loser?

As a first step towards some kind of compromise, I ask you, on behalf of all the good men, that you forgive the less evolved ones. After all, the pain you have been left with is a great gift when transmuted through healing. It teaches you all you need to know on how to tell men of value from the rest.

This article is a war tactic, not a strategy for peace. Mind games will only leave you bitter, cold and lonely...

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Thank you for contributing your thoughts here. I understand what you're saying, but respectfully disagree with you.

The modern day dating landscape is very much like navigating a field of landmines these days. And vulnerable women get blown up on it everyday. Have you read the hundreds of comments on this site from women behaving vulnerably? From women who have been purusing men? From women who have been doing all the work? From women who have been initiating contact with men? And have you noticed how entitled a lot of men seem to have become these days? And how unnaturally aggressive women have become these days? Particularly the younger generations?

Women behaving aggressively and putting themselves in vulnerable positions right away with men are getting destroyed out there at alarming rates. Sure, they get the guy. They get his attention - for a week or two - then they get dumped when they behave like that because in the long run, for a woman to be agressive like that and wear the pants - it feels unnatural to a man. It's only a matter of time before he realizes that and removes himself from the situation because it can be perceived as controlling, emasculating and unnatural. These women are getting toyed with. They're getting played. They're getting used. They're getting tossed away like garbage.

There are times when I believe it's okay for a woman to initiate contact via text with a man, and I've listed them in this piece. But I firmly disagree that in this day and age, the woman should be the aggressor. Sure, there are men out there who don't know how to approach women, or cannot make the first move for whatever reason. But to be quite honest, and it's sad to say, they're the minority these days. There's a majority of single men on the dating scene that are making mince meet of vulnerable women. Remember, this is a different generation these days. Things like honor, integrity, chivalry - these younger generations don't know, care about or understand. And texting makes things even more detached and impersonal. Texting makes it easier to ignore someone, texting makes it easier to blow someone off, texting makes it easier to reject someone.

Cont . . .

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

This has nothing to do with controlling anyone but the individual reading the article - yourself. The entire gist of the piece is for women to learn how to control THEMSELVES and THEIR EMOTIONS. It has absolutely nothing to do with controlling men. It's about controlling yourself as a woman so you don't get diced on the dating field.

I also respectfully disagree with the insinuation that if you wait to initiate contact, you'll be alone. Men have a tendency to go after what they want. It may take a nice guy a tad longer to build up to that, but he'll still gather the gumption in the long run if he really wants it. Nice guys with good intentions call, show interest, ask for dates, call when they say they will after dating begins - nice guys follow through.

And if a man is so backwards or introverted that he can't come to do this eventually, then as much as I hate to say it, the old saying that nice guys finish last will apply to him. Women will not find his lack of confidence as a man attractive in the long run. Much like men find a woman's aggressive nature to be a real turn off in the long run. Maybe not the way it should be, but the reality of how it is.

This article is in no way, shape or form a war tactic and it has nothing to do with controlling the other individual in the situation. It's to keep the woman from giving herself away. It's to keep the woman's emotions in control.

It's about controlling yourself, not the other individual.

It's never a good idea for a woman to chase a man or pursue him in my opinion. And it's never a good idea for her to give herself away, all up front, without the man investing anything. It may not seem fair, but let's face it, that's the way Mother Nature has set it up, not me. Men lead, women submit. And to turn that natural fact upside down on it's head - i.e. woman leads, man submits - is never a good idea in my opinion.

Read the hundreds of comments and stories here from women who have been doing just that and you might understand why I personally feel that way. You respectfully have the right to disagree with me, but those are Mother Natures natural gender roles. And all I'm suggesting is that women tap into their feminine side more - and drop the aggressiveness that's sending men running scared from their tight grips.

In either case, great discussion, nice points and lots of thought provoking stuff. Thanks for contributing!

Anonymous said...

Hi M.o.A !
Thanks !! your writing style is ace and you have really helped me tough out the last couple of days!! So true what you say about controlling yourself.. I saw a guy a few times a few weeks ago and fell hard.. things seemed possibly great then nothing!! I haven't dated in ages and was totally unprepared - I hadn't thought about rules or the slightest game plan .. I certainly wasn't ready for the pain of meeting someone I really liked who then shattered my carefreeness.
I have been reading every dating article in sight for advice - yours is without a doubt the best at helping me hold off from contacting him.. 3 weeks later he writes to me.. ego boost check in I'm guessing.. telling me(as you predict) where he has been...but not asking to see me. I was casual in response but then the last 2 days I have been so close to initiating more contact.. I read your articles to keep myself away from sending messages!! ha. So yep, you have my most sincere thanks :)

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Thank you and I'm glad you're finding these suggestions useful. You're protecting yourself by adhering to them. And you're also getting a feel for his interest level by doing so.

Because in your particular situation, you have a guy who is unsure. If you pursue him while he's in this state of uncertainty, he may give in, however, he'll most likely remain uncertain and retreat yet again and you will be hurt all over again by his second disappearance as a result.

So to protect yourself and your emotions here, by waiting for him to contact you, you're giving him the space he needs to reflect on the matter and the time he needs to miss you, if he does indeed like you. You're also giving yourself the time and space to keep your emotions in check and keep all of this in perspective without getting too wrapped up in it, too early.

My suggestion would be to keep responding when he does reach out to you and be nice, cheerful and easy to talk to when he does. If he's truly interested, he has all the green lights he needs to proceed forward and ask you out. He doesn't need you suggesting dates or throwing yourself at him to do so. You responding and being nice, approachable and remaining interested (your responses indicate your interested) are all the green lights a man should need.

If he doesn't ask for another date, he's not that interested and you've done a great job of protecting yourself from a possible situation where you may have been taken advantage of if too eager. If he does ask you out, continue communicating in this carefree, nice and approachable manner and things should move right along.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Regarding the question posed earlier by Anonymous that read:

"If you are looking for something serious with a person you have an interest in, how is it a bad idea to let that person know that you are not seeing anyone else??

It's a bad idea because:

1.) When dating casually, in the early stages, there are no committments in place. Each is free to date around at that time and explore their options. Signaling that you have no options will actually decrease someone's attraction for you.
2.) It makes it appear as if you're not desirable to the opposite sex and men actually LIKE knowing the woman they're with is wanted by other men.
3.) It's a known fact that men tend to treat dating like a numbers game and because of this, it's generally safe to assume that they're dating others during those initial casual dating stages.
4.) It's only when a bond has been formed and both parties have agreed to exclusivity that men and women should both commit to the relationship and remove themselves from the market.
5.) Timing is everything in dating. If a woman signals that she's committing before a man even decides he wants to commit to her in return, she'll look desperate and unwanted by others and her premature commitment will scare the man off.

Cont . . .

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

To answer the second question:

"Do you think it is a "turn on" for a man when you make the impression that you are also seeing others? Is this really the formula to a stable and lasting relationship?"

I could pose the same exact question in response. Do you think it's a turn on when a man signals he's casually dating others? Maybe not but men do it all the time.

The reality is that in the early days of dating, prior to any established commitments, it's everyones right to explore their options.

Men signal to women that there are other women interested in them all the time. They do this to raise an interest level, make themselves appear valuable and to try to entice women to compete for their affections by playing on their insecurities and the jealousy that another woman in the picture brings up.

The only difference is that I believe women should be up front about it, while most men tend to deliver the message in mysterious, vague ways like hiding their phones, lying and saying it's a friend calling when it's a woman, being vague about where they were at or who they were with, and saying things like, "she's just a friend" when in reality, she's a woman he's dated or is dating to a degree, etc.

You ask:

"Is this really the formula to a stable and lasting relationship?"

I'd say in the early stages, it's a bit too soon to be considering ANY of that. I believe in the early days, things should remain casual. Relationship talk should only come in later stages, when both parties agree that they're developing true feelings for one another.

Too many women jump the gun when dating. They signal right away that they're committed, even if he's not. They signal right away they want something serious, even if he doesn't or is still undecided. And when they do this, and the guy decides he's not that interested and leaves, they've already gone and placed all their eggs in his basket and get burned because of it.

When the man decides this isn't for him and he doesn't want to take it any further, the woman has no other options to turn to because she's only been casually dating one man - him. While he's free to continue exploring his options because during the casual dating period, he's also been casually dating others that he's remained in contact with. So the man doesn't skip a beat while the woman is left standing all alone, to start from square one again.

Personally, I don't believe any committments should be made prematurely during the casual dating period. Those committments should only take place when both parties agree that they're developing feelings for one another and seek exclusivity from one another. And it's also the reason I'm against sleeping with a man during the casual dating period. That's how women get hurt. Giving too much, too soon, before anyone is even asking for anything.

Anonymous said...

(Same Anon. that wrote long comment)

You don't seem to be taking into account the other side of things. It's as if you're trying to say that all the scarring and pain that exists between the two genders is completely one sided or mostly done by men to women.

Could it be that you're still harboring a grudge against a member or two of the male gender?

(By the way, the word "aggressor" is used when there is a conflict or war and blame is to be put somewhere.)

I've lived in NYC for more than 12 years, I've lived in different countries and states for a time as well and I have NO CLUE where one can find these women that are the "aggressors" as you say.

The women that approach men are a very small minority, in my opinion. Especially, the younger gens.

How does it have nothing to do with controlling the other person when you suggest "creating tension"?

^ That right there is manipulation to provoke a specific response. To artificially predispose the other person towards yourself.

Do you really believe that one can achieve something real by being disingenuous?

Also, you never addressed a study I pointed out which shows that women know how they feel towards a man earlier than men do about women. This makes it easier and more natural for women to approach men. (Read on, I'm pretty sure that last part made you cringe a little)

Perhaps, instead of suggesting that women curb their emotions and "control" themselves, one should be suggesting that they be less naive and learn to read the obvious signs a guy gives off when he doesn't want anything serious from them.

I can't speak for other guys, but for me it's an instant repulsion if a woman is juggling several men at once and even more so if she's fucking some of them while at the same time trying to "develop real feelings for one of them."

More so, you have to be dishonest to some degree to keep these worlds from colliding and to avoid unpleasant/awkward situations. It's unnatural.

You're only confusing your internal biology by trying to "bond" with several potential mates at once. Not to mention the metaphysical consequences of sex with frequently changing partners.

You're right about the state of this society, but it spreads both ways.

Men DON'T like knowing their woman is desired by other men. Where did this come from? What planet are you from? Men have been territorial creatures for MILLENNIUMS. No territorial creature likes to think that someone else wants whats theirs...

Based on your writing, I think it's safe to say that you have an extroverted personality. You're obviously speaking here about certain types of men and women. (Not encompassing all by a long shot)

It is much more difficult for an extravert to understand an introvert than the other way around. Because of this, I think you're only painting a very small part of the picture that is the truth.

Anonymous said...

(same anon)

As you said, the natural gender roles are that men lead, women submit. To further elaborate on that though, a woman's strength comes from her weakness, that is being vulnerable.

While it's the opposite for the man. His strength comes from seeming invincible because his natural role is to protect/provide. It is not natural for the protector to be constantly putting himself out there, reaching out and appearing vulnerable.

If there was no feminine quality to human life, the world would be a cold, ruthless, logically calculated place with no room for softness or weakness. The woman is the one who cultivates warmth and kindness inside the man. Part of her natural role is to melt the man's heart. A heart that grows cold due to all the things a man has to do for "the group's" survival.

She can only do this by being her natural self, vulnerable. This way the man sees weakness and knows where he can strike to do the most damage, but considering that the woman is not naive nor evil herself and has picked a good man, this man would lower his guard to the woman and show his own weakness instead of attacking/controlling/manipulating.

Man protects/provides. Woman cares/nurtures.

It is most often that a need for sex is the main motivation with which men approach women. (the men you speak of anyway)

Anonymous said...

I really don't understand how you can go and say that women approach men often...

Take a look at Facebook for example:

A guy posts 3 new pictures. He might get one comment and one "like" within the first few hours or days.

But, if a girl posts 3 new pictures, she'll get like 5 "likes" in the first 5 minutes and have about 10 guys commenting on her photos about "how hot she looks."

Another example:

A woman goes outside and says: "I want sex from the first stranger to approach me."

She'll have a sex partner in an instant.

If a guy were to do the same, he'd look like a pervert or something of the sort.

The dating game is much harder for men than it is for women... Men have to invest much more time, energy, and resources to "get laid" or find a partner than a woman ever does, even a lot of the ugly ones.

So, everything you're saying in this article is only making it THAT MUCH harder for men to successfully find a mate.

It's just easier for both sexes if women were to do a little more approaching and felt a little less insecure in doing so...

Anonymous said...

Oh wait, I was wrong. I HAVE lived in a country where women are the "aggressors."

That country is Russia. It has a ration of SEVEN women for every ONE man.

Just think of how your advice would look like to a person living there... This blog is, after all, INTERNATIONAL.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
LOL, why do men always go there when they encounter a woman who speaks her mind and has oposing views? You know, it's easy to throw stones and say that I'm harboring a grudge, I get it. On the same token, I could visit these pieces published elsewhere on the Internet and claim that the men who wrote these posts are harboring grudges against women:

http://emmyboy.hubpages.com/hub/how-to-play-mind-games-on-women

Or this one:

http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2009/06/11/hookinguprealities/why-nice-guys-ignore-the-girls-they-like/

But why bother? Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and everyone has lived through their own experiences. Google "ignore her" on the Internet. You'll get loads of men telling other men to ignore women and play head games with them to push emotional buttons - and guess what? They ARE listening. And all this article represents is protection AGAINST these tactics men are using everyday on women. So why hate on me only? Why not hate on the men instigating this behavior and forcing women to buckle down to protect themselves from it?

You can also visit the other myriad of posts on the Internet and tell them that they're initiating a so-called "war" for telling women to protect themselves:

http://actsoffaithblog.com/one-from-the-dating-files-why-women-must-not-be-the-aggressor

Oh my goodness, she used the word "aggressor" too! She must mean war! And you obviously haven't visited other pieces here I've written, where I do indeed tell women to read between the lines and not be naive:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/09/he-is-not-into-you-relationship-red.html

It's an instant repulsion for you if women are dating other men, but it's okay for men to do so and then "you have to be dishonest to some degree to keep these worlds from colliding and to avoid unpleasant/awkward situations." Okay, I see. Women should clean it up while men are permitted to cover it up. Okay, I get it.

And tell me, does this statement only apply to women as well:

"You're only confusing your internal biology by trying to "bond" with several potential mates at once." I guess it's okay for men to do, but women - poor things, it just confuses them, huh?

And use of the word agressor doesn't always refer to war - it also refers to somone who isn't acting in a passive manner (such as that of an introvert.) And it's odd that you analyze me to be an extrovert, when I'm actually advising women to be more feminine and passive in their dating styles. Extrovert = assertive. Introvert = passive. So your assumption of me makes no sense to me and the only thing I'm asserting here is that it's wise for women to protect themselves against all the mind games and emotional manipulation tactics men are advising to use on women these days - and that men are using.

Cont . .

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

And my use of the concept of creating tension here isn't in a malicious way - it's a playful tension - meant to work up to something fun and build excitement. It's not meant to do someone in.

Just a little FYI, that playful tension is part of the "push pull method" of dating. And oh look, men on the Internet are using it too:

http://www.conversationarts.com/2010/the-best-way-to-get-a-girlfriend-learn-to-push-and-pull-part-3-of-15/

It can also be applied to the "rubber band" theory in dating. A concept from the book "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" by John Gray. And oh my goodness, he's a man, he has a Ph.D., teaches gender intelligence - and he's advising this. He must want war, too!

http://thesunnygirl.com/2012/01/07/the-rubber-band-theory/

A bit of playful tension in a relationship keeps things exciting, builds anticipation and piques interest. It triggers psychological attraction and plays on the Scarcity Law of Value Theory which dictates that people want what they can't have and value what they have to work for. It's used in economics and the marketplace everyday:

http://ezinearticles.com/?Understanding-the-Law-of-Scarcity&id=184783

And it happens to be one of the 9 Laws of Persuasion:

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/TristanLoo4.html

You seem rather spiteful at the thought that a woman can take a stance for herself and take control of her dating style. You also seem to be resentful of advice to women that actually makes a man put a little bit of effort into courting a woman and winning her over - as it was done back in the good ole' days.

I could point the finger at you, as you've done towards me, and say that you are extremely introverted, you don't understand the factors that trigger attraction and as such, may not get the amount of attention from women that you'd like from women and have trouble beating out the alpha males for female attention. I could also say that because of this, you're resentful towards women in general. And I could say that because of all of the above, you secretly wish more women would approach men to make it easier on you. And to back this up, you point to research that suggests this is more natural somehow. And maybe it is in some ways, but that doesn't make it natural in the eyes of Mother Nature - where traditional gender roles dictate that man leads - woman submits. I could say all of this and point the finger at you, as you've done to me, in an attempt to analyze me and size me up.

But I won't.

Can I get an AMEN, ladies ;-)

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
There it is, right there:

"This way the man sees weakness and knows where he can strike to do the most damage . ."

Ladies, see why you need to protect yourselves? Do you see?

He didn't say where the man can strike to win her over or win her heart. He said "do the most damage."

And then he gets ugly with me, claims I'M the one harboring a GRUDGE here - and comments incessantly because he's angry that I'm giving you advice on how NOT to let this damage happen. And if damage does happen, it's not the man's fault for striking to do damage, it's the woman's fault for being naive, LOL.

Listen to him, ladies . . don't be naive, because they're out there striking at you, instinctively hoping your vulnerable and shooting to do damage - but I'M the one who wants war here???

Nice, huh ;-)

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Here it is again, ladies:

"So, everything you're saying in this article is only making it THAT MUCH harder for men to successfully find a mate."

THAT'S what's upsetting him so much and I used my non-naive instincts and picked up on this factor long before I even read and published that comment of his.

No real surprise as I'm feeling just HOW much he's hating that fact with all the comment blasting now being done.

Maybe he should just move to Russia . .

Anonymous said...

(same Anon.)

You are twisting my words. I do not believe that men should fuck around while women shouldn't. It's not the healthiest decision for either. But, a man's biology is different, you shouldn't juxtapose the two..

I apologize for whatever I wrote that seemed like it got ugly to you. I did not mean it that way.

I feel no hate for you or your words. Just hopelessness from how rotten this society has become.

I don't hold a grudge against women. But, yes, I have been hurt by two women in particular in the past.

One was my mother who is a cold and dominating woman that always wants things her way.

The other was my first girlfriend. She lied to me about who she was from the very beginning and me being naive at the time, refused to see it otherwise until it was extremely painful to do so. Among other things, she became a stripper soon after we broke up...

I don't harbor any hate towards either woman though. I have a better relationship with my mother than I ever had in the past. It's by no means flawless, but at least we are not at each others throats...

I know I forgave the girl as well because I felt nothing bad or dreadful the last time we made eye contact...

If Russia is not a good example for you, perhaps China is...

In some eastern cultures its the introverts who are held in the highest regard and are most sought after.

Why are you creating an evil out of me?

I am always striving to improve myself and be a better person than I was yesterday and I want to have a decent/honest mate just like everyone else.

I shared my opinions because I believe that yours are not aligned with the highest good for the women who read it and could easily be misused in order to manipulate men and cause more pain for everyone.

Thanks for your brief analysis of how I appear to be, based on what I wrote. I took from it what I needed. Once more, thank you.

I leave you with what I think is an amazing piece of musical, lyrical and artistic genius that has helped me find much need healing over the years:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yU5cY5i0a_I

~ V. L.

Anonymous said...

Here is a better link with lyrics:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vs0GvGnKJ9U

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@V.L.,
Look dude, I get it. I understand, I truly do. But regretfully, it is what it is these days. I don't want to have to tell women how to defend themselves against male predators. I'd love to sit here and bask in their stories of delight, happiness and contentment in their relationships. But unfortunately, that's not the reality out there these days. For men or women. The dating scene has gotten downright nasty. And it pained me to read comment after comment . . hundreds of comments, dude, from women who were hurt by some punk or some guy sowing his oats that had no clue of how painful, scarring and life changing his treatment was towards some really nice girl that only wanted to show him attention and receive his in return. Some of these articles have 200 to 400+ horror story comments on them.

I felt so bad, it made me so sad, to view society in the way I now have to. I would not be lying to you if I told you that the day it doned on me that this world has turned sour - I heard the earth crack. Everything I had ever strived to be as a woman - I had to now learn not to be that way - so I wouldn't get hurt. I was vulnerable and had to toughen up. I wanted to love freely but now needed a guard in place. I wanted to reach out to people and help them, but instead, I had to learn to pull back and be suspiscious.

Trust me, my brother. . .it put me in a tail spin and I had to learn to develop skills I didn't want to develop just so I could friggin survive.

I get it. I've been there. We've all been hurt, we've all been betrayed and we've all been rejected. I'm sorry that your experiences with women were not more positive. Especially the most important woman in your life, you mother. Hell, I'm sorry that mine and hundreds of other women's experiences out there with men weren't more positive.

And to be quite honest, I agree with you that introverts should be the revered ones in society. I totally agree. But look at the business world, introverts are the innovative grunts sitting in the cubicle while the ones that are cut throat, selfish and run people over on their way to the top are the ones who are revered and take credit for the innovative introverts work and itellectual ideas.

It's the same in dating. The alpha males and players get all the girls - they got game. They manipulate women and push emotional buttons and toy with them without mercy - yet always get the girl. While the nice guy, the one the girl should be talking to, is sitting their watching this whole sham take place and begins wondering what's wrong with him.

It sux, I know it and I agree. But it's also the reality. And if a woman doesn't get with the program, she becomes road kill. Just like if the nice guy doesn't develop confidence, he ends up alone. It's wrong - but it's todays modern world. We reward the selfish and wicked while the giving and kind are overlooked.

My whole point of this articles is for women to hang back in an attempt to suss the fellow out, so she doesn't get hurt. It's actually meant to help women weed out the idiot players who put little effort into winning a woman over (because they'll simply move onto the next easy prey) from the guys with good intentions that stick around.

I'm actually on your side, my brother.

(I'm also a big Tool fan and "Sleeping Beauty" by Perfect Circle speaks to me ;-)

Take a listen: http://youtu.be/HylXMetTNxU

Anonymous said...

Thankyou for taking the time to respond !! really awesome advice - I'm going to put all my g.f's onto your site!! you are one very
Insightful lady!
cheers :)

Anonymous said...

Hello. I feel I might need some advice. I have read the book He's Not That Into You and found it helpful, but here I am a little bit out of my depth.
I agree that if a guy is interested, he will contact you within... lets say 2-5 days.
Now where I get confused is with my certain situation, the guy I am interested in DID contact me... to a degree, but it's still very ambiguous.
I am 17 years old, and my mother does a bit of Am-Dram as a hobby. I went to see her play on the final night, and the entire cast went to a bar for an “after party”, myself included. To cut a long story short, I ended up kissing a 24 year old (an actor, and I guess one of my mother’s “colleagues”.)
My mother didn’t mind, and he approached her saying “oh god, oh god Beatrice… do you hate me?” of course my mother said it was all fine, and he then said to her “well it looks like I will be seeing more of you Beatrice,” so when I found this out later I found this all very encouraging. (I suppose he could have been drunk, but he seemed very sincere and 100% sober.)
But facts still are, he didn’t get my number. And he doesn’t know how old I am, not because I lied or anything, it just simply didn’t come up.
So, about 2 days later, he sent my mother and other cast members an email, saying how he felt that the night ended all too soon, that he understands that some of the cast members hadn’t particularly wanted to be in a hot club/bar sort of thing and that he wanted to organize that we all go to a restaurant for dinner the following weekend so we can all “chat”.
(My mother tells me that usually how things work is, once the play is finished and you’ve had your afterparty or whatever, one does not then contact other cast members to socialize again. Contact ceases completely and abruptly, only to start up again at a later stage you happen to be in the same play again. So him organizing this is very unusual as these things go apparently, and him being an actor by profession, he would know the Do’s and Don’ts in the Theatre world.)
Now I told my mother to do what she wants in replying, I don’t see a point in being too subtle because it just gives me a headache and its just easier all round to know where one stands, so she ended up sending a message saying “oh haha Robert, does that include my daughter? ;) “
And he replied, “I am embarrassed as I type this, but yes it does”
So she then gave him my number and I haven’t heard from him. Its been 2-3 weeks.
The dinner plans also got postponed because other cast members couldn’t make it, so now it’s happening this Saturday night. I most likely won’t go, because if you think about it, technically my MOTHER invited me, NOT him, and he could have been embarrassed because my mother put him on the spot about us kissing in front of everyone hence his “embarrassment” comment. Also, I think I would be encroaching on the evening anyway as I am not a cast member and it will be a bit transparent anyway. The plan is, if he asks my mother about me, she’ll say something along the lines of “well I gave you her number Robert, what more do you expect me to do?” although perhaps she ought to add in something a little bit encouraging like a “I think she could still be interested but…etc”.
So far I haven’t contacted him.
But I was really incredibly taken with him, so I would just like to know whether or not I have been given the bat, because I can’t be sure and of course, typically I have been obsessing big time.
Any insight?

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
I agree with your mom. He's been given your number. What else does this guy need? For you to fall outta' the sky onto his lap?

A man who is genuinely, seriously interested goes for what he wants. Someone who is one the fence, undecided or simply looking for something to do him-haws around and stumbles. And you don't want to date a guy who is unsure about you. Because if you do, he'll act flaky like this for weeks, months going into it and frankly, he'll drive you batty.

By not contacting men, you get the chance to see, is he interested? Or is he a flake who is bored and just looking for something to do for the time being?

If you contact him, he'll agree to see you. Hell, he'd probably even sleep with you. But because he was unsure to begin with, he'd also be highly likely to bail on you within about two weeks. That's what men who weren't really all that interested to begin with do. Which is why women should never throw themselves at men. If you do, you put yourself out there to be used.

If this man can't pick up the phone or "man up" here and call you, chances are he's unsure. And if so, you don't want to date him anyway. But he doesn't need anymore green lights than he's already been given.

Don't call him. Wait to see if he's genuinely interested. If so, he will seek you out in some manner.

wiseowl said...

dear aphrodite, I am a 56 yrs woman and it has taken me 40 years of dating and relationships with men to finally get it. For many reasons, based on childhood experiences, parents divorce etc I have spent a life time throwing myself at men- not intentionally. I was so desperate to be loved, and had so much love to give but had no idea how to go about it. I would do anything for a man to "prove" i was a good catch- sex, cook for him, even care for his kids. it got me to this point- never married, with a trail of broken r'ships behind me, and have I cried a river! I have now wised up, have started internet daing, am out there having fun. No free sex, I dont call, I dont pay, I dont do anything. I have 8 contacts- Im seeing one at a time- I dont let a man tell me or demand from me how to run my love life any more. I will find the right one, not just anyone. And they think Im the hottest one out there! What you write about is true- its primal basic male instinct- and we need to re learn this. congrats on your site- I wish others wld not debate with you just accept your point of view. believe aphrodite girls and follow your advise or your whole life will almost pass you by and you will be wondering but I gave so much- where did I go wrong.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@WiseOwl,
Thank you very, very much for sharing that here. I'm sorry that you had to endure that, however, it seems as if it's made you a stronger person, now able to look out for your own interests.

Knock em' dead girl!!

Anonymous said...

nice read, even for a guy, i stumbled on it.
but watch out with written down humor,
it feels different than spoken and watched humor,
(face to face) emotion in text is different,
i think.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Very true, text is a very hard medium to display emotion through. It requires finesse do be done properly, without offending someone.

Anonymous said...

Dear mirror,
I want to tell u how much i appreciate your writing! So confident, to-the-point and at the same time funny and empathetic. And yea, don't worry about the comments of some trivial insecure men who argue with women. Real men don't even like confrontations, right? ;)

I want to tell u a bit about my story, I don't feel like i'm my usual self right now bcos of what happened with a guy recently. You see, before, i used to be called the "man-eater" amongst my friends...not because i'm the aggressor, quite the opposite. I never pursued men, i was just really relaxed in the whole dating thing and all the time men just kept wanting to see me again and again, wine and dine, movies and shows (i can well afford all of these myself as an established professional, but i like to see men wanting to do it for me) and i usually bolted when they wanted to be exclusive. I eventually realised i was so relaxed about them, because i didn't like them that much!! No one made me feel like "gosh, this is the ONE"!!

Anonymous said...

(continued)
Then suddenly half a year ago, i met somebody who had a lot of qualities i admire...confidence, intelligence, humour, ambition and looks. I fell for him almost instantly and intensely. We live in different countries, so every month we travel to meet each other for long weekend holidays. He made it clear that he was very interested in me, but he has no plans to settle down and does not believe in marriages at all. When we were together i get 100% of his undivided attention and as the vice president of a large corporation he would even re-schedule important video-conferencing to enjoy some private moments with me, which made me feel very special.

I couldn't help but wanted to tell him about my feelings(i didn't) but still i got angry when he mentioned what he finds attractive in other women, or that successful men are entitled to enjoy the company of many beautiful women, and his theory of the dating game etc. Made me feel like i'm just a game/trophy to him. While i was being exclusive with him, i'm pretty sure he was seeing other women but at such an early stage i had no choice but to accept it as his right to freely choose. My problem is, you see, i'm a bit bi-polar in how to react to him. Most of the time when we are apart living in different countries, i keep minimal contact. He's always calling or texting, i just respond when i have time (i'm very busy with my job too). But when we see, it's like a flood of emotions everytime and we either argue or i cry about how i don't know where we stand in this "relationship" (eg, he never introduced me to his family or friends, and he still calls his place the bachelor pad). He always shuts off when i cry/complain and blames me for being "effed up" in the head for not saying my mind (i never said i miss him or i like him). I kept silent...what was i supposed to say, that i think about him day and night and the thought of him with other women drove me nuts??

After hearing that he wanted more communications from me, i warmed up, and started telling him how much i wanted to see him, wake up next to him etc. Guess what. He canceled our next meeting and disappeared. No contact or reply to my text whatsoever. He has disappeared twice before, but both times reappeared again after a week or two of no contact (usually we write or speak everyday). I was hurt and felt insecure but continued to see him anyway when he reappeared. Now it happens again. Mirror, do you think he will reappear eventually this time? If he does, should i ignore him and get on with my life (it's gonna be soooo hard), or should i give him another chance because men are like little children unsure of their feelings, running around needing time to figure things out? I'm hurting and feeling so low. Even when other guys asked me out i made some lame excuse just to stay home and eat ice-cream instead. I can't help comparing other men to him, and finding him better! Should i force myself to go out there, see men i don't fancy, just to get over him? :'( Please help if you can, thanks heaps...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Girl . . you have to get the hell away from this one. I know you are not going to like hearing this, but I'm going to say it anyway - he's a player. Big time. And he relishes in that fact. He will NEVER settle down with one woman. He's arrogant, he's already admitted he feels entitled and he's rude. Not good qualities in a lover or partner.

Here's the deal. You stay, and this guy's gonna hurt you. I imagine deep down inside, he objectifies women as objects and disregards them as human beings with feelings. I mean, look how quick he disappears without giving a thought to how it may affect you.

I despise men like this. I'm sorry, but I do. Men like this eff women's head up by toying with their emotions carelessly. If you stay with him, he's going to affect your self esteem and confidence as a woman. It's already happening, he's doing damage. You need to think about yourself here and forget him.

If I were you, I'd never accept another call or communication. I'd immediately start dating other men and try my hardest to see this one for what he is, the reality, and forget about the fantasy of what he "might" become. Because it'll never happen.

And I've had a theory about successful corporate men for years - and just recently, studies are beginning to prove that my theory is right. There's a new book out, "The Wisdom of Psychopaths." And in this book, they've found that CEO's, surgeons and powerful people in society in positions of leadership - actually posses psychopathic traits - the same traits as serial killers and psychopaths. And those traits are lack of empathy for others, manipulative tendencies, nerveless poise, detached in their emotions, charismatic personalities - the writer calls them "functional psychopaths" and believes that it's those very traits that propel them to success and that there's only a very fine line that separates powerful people from psychopaths. And let's face it, to be successful in business nowadays, you have to be very comfortable running over people's back on your way to the top.

I think you should start dating other men, and leave this one if your past. He'll never be what you want him to be. He'll never be loyal, he'll never settle down, he'll never get married. He'll continue to plow his way through women, having very little feeling for any of them. He feels entitled to use their bodies and then dispose of them when he tires of the situation.

Don't let him do damage to you here. Save yourself, love yourself - and walk.

Anonymous said...

Dear mirror,

Tears stream down my face when i read your response...not because of the situation with this player (i'm already shedding lots of tears for that) but because this unexpected kindness from a caring stranger, you. Thankyou so much for your words of encouragement and guidance, when i feel like the world is so dark and i'm drowning in it.

There is something very addictive about being with a man who is very confident, smart and charismatic. The good days were fantastic, he made me feel like i'm the only woman in the world. But when bad days come, well you were spot on about the psychopath bit. He had absolutely no empathy for women and no regret for the hurt he caused. When we were at a restaurant i asked him about why he disappeared, he snapped and started blaming me instead with some pretty harsh words, i felt so bad i started tearing up and telling him how much i was hurting. You know what he did as i was wiping my eyes? He said "nice fake tears. Yeah use a napkin, good for u".

I held on because i wished maybe one day he will become the same kind of men my sisters' husbands are. Both are corporate men in power and one has always been Mr Nice (met my sister at uni and still love each other 15 years on), the other one had been around a lot in his younger days and wanted to settle down when he reached his fourties. Both were really nice men who really care for my sisters!

I hoped he would eventually become like my brother-in-laws. Now i feel like i did this to myself, hurting myself because i had hopes :(

Thankyou mirror once again, so much, for your advice. I will delete him from my life.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Please don't sweat this one. Grieve him for a short amount of time and then keep yourself busy so that you can move on from him.

Never be okay with a man talking to you like that either. Like he did at dinner that night. Don't EVER accept that from a man. You're a beautiful woman and you deserve respect. You demand it if you have to. If a man ever speaks to you like that again, you don't say a word. You get up from the table and you remove yourself from the situation immediately. Let him feel like an ass, sitting there all by himself, suffering the consequences for his mistreatment. Because you know where guys like this end up anyway? ALONE. ALL ALONE.

Doesn't bother him now, but someday, you bet your bottom dollar it will. I know a woman who knows a man like this. She's older and wiser and in her late 60's as is he now. He suffered a heart attack and you know who was there for him? NO ONE. And it bothered him to no end. After that, he began to reflect on his life, on all the good women he mistreated. And now, he's riddled with guilt. AS HE SHOULD BE.

You deserve much better than this - so take control and go out there and find the man that will appreciate you, love you, respect you and care for you - as you deserve to be cared for.

Hang in there - this too shall pass.

Anonymous said...

I really appreciate your advice. For Guy A: I thought he liked me seemed more clear because he had driven an 1hr 30 to see me near my workplace at a convention I attended at the time and took me out to dinner. Problem was that he told me that if me and him WERE to date, he'd want me to get into med school first (so I wouldnt be distracted I guess). I was very disappointed bc he had talked to his parents about me (who I've known for yrs) prior to our date and I spoke to his mom during our date too when he called her. Now its like the waiting game, if he liked me he would have asked me to be his gf. Why would he even bother? Since then, I ignored him on his birthday.Here and there, he gives a little attention towards me on twitter &etc but tries to keep his distance alittle. But I have decided to ignore him even though it sucks bc I thought I was close to having a relationship and it seemed genuine at first. Guy B I met at my cousin's party and after talking to him for a couple months, I realized there was another girl at his birthday party couple wks ago that was vying for this attention and seemed to have some history with him (apparently wanted to be his gf). He just seemed like a big flirt during his bday party, plus he started acting weird after we had kissed a week before his bday. Ever since I have been ignoring him, he decided to text me happy thanksgiving after midnight (directly with my name in it). Its funny bc he even had his friend contact me days ago asking me if I was going to some event they were going too--so pathetic. Does he feel guilty that he was trying to play me? Why do I keep dealing with jacka$$$s??

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
LOL, there are just a lot of jacka##es out there today is all. Men and women both if you ask me. It's a deteriorating society in my opinion. Things like honesty, chivalry, integrity - they don't mean a thing to these guys. And I bet half of them don't even know the definition of those words. They're just not being raised like that anymore unfortunately and there aren't good men in their life for lots of them, to teach them how to be a real man.

Just my two cents on that. But as a result, it's very necessary to "filter" nowadays. To qualify a man. And by that, I mean . . you have to be very selective as to whom you give your time to. Because as women, whomever that may be, we get emotionally involved. And most times, regardless of the treatment we're receiving. So if you're very selective about whom you give your time and attention to, you protect yourself from getting hurt.

Here's the vibe I'm getting. Guy A: You're in the running as a potential mate. However, he's looking at this in a very long term manner. Meaning, way down the road. And for the meantime, he's going to build a friendship with you instead. And if something comes of it years from now, so be it.

Guy B: He sounds extremely insecure to me. He needs lots of attention from lots of people. But deep down inside, he doesn't feel good about himself and he lacks self-esteem. As a result, he overcompensates for his feeling of being "less" somehow - by pretending to be more (that he really is). But his insecurity shows in his actions - and his inability to face you after a kiss or pick up the phone to see if you're going to be where he is that night. He can't man up, so he has his friend do it for him.

And just a word to the wise here, it's been my experience that the more insecure a guy is, the greater the chances of him being a cheat. Again, men who are insecure about themselves and feel like "less" than other men - need lots of attention to make themselves feel good about themselves. As a result, any time they get attention from a woman, they take full advantage of it. Whether they're in a relationship or not. Because it helps them to feel manly and important. I think insecure guys are a very dangerous type to date, personally. They play games, they're selfish, they're arrogant, they string lots of women along - and then they bail on you.

So if I were you, I'd give Guy A more of my time than Guy B.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror

Im very confused right now. Ive been on 4 dates with this guy i met online (hes a taurus)
When im with him hes very affectionate, continually kissing my forehead, cuddles, holding hands etc
But he hardly texts, when he does its always a nice long message but i havent heard from him since tuesday and he asked me what id been up to so I obviously replied but nothing back :( I foolishly messaged him on whatsapp on thursday to see if he wanted to do something at the weekend as last weekend he was busy but said he would love to see me. Hes read my message but hasnt replied. What do i do now?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Well first of all, I have to ask - why are YOU asking a MAN out on a date? And why are YOU contacting a MAN?

Do you think you're not good enough to be treated nicely? Do you think a guy won't ask you out? Do you not have faith in yourself that you're worth it?

Men pick up on how a woman values herself. And when a woman behaves as if she has to hunt a man down - they pick up on that. They say, "Hmm, she asks me out. She contacts me. No one else must want her. She must be desperate. I'm not sure if I want her now either."

It's a huge turnoff.

By doing that, you're always going to wonder if the guy genuinely likes you or not. And you're also pursuing the man, which is never a good thing. When you disrespect yourself, it invites poor treatment from men and they tend to disrespect you. And the best way to know if a man likes you or not, is if he:

1) contact you
2) asks you out
3) makes time for you
4) treats you like a lady

If you're behaving as the man - then how is the man going to be a man here? And how are you EVER going to know if he genuinely likes you or not if you don't let him PROVE it?

Because here's the reality. When a woman offers herself up on a platter to a man - he WIll sleep with her, whether he really likes her or not. So in essence, you're setting yourself up for a heart break here, and to be used. Because when you offer yourself up like that, he'll take you up on those offers on occasion - but then he'll disappear. Why? Because he was only half interested in the first place. But you didn't have the chance to figure that out first to avoid being hurt - because you're behaving as the man here, instead of letting him BE the man and PROVE he's genuinely interested.

You're going to bring a world of hurt onto yourself by behaving like that. And you deserve to be treated nicely and "courted" by a man - so stop being the aggressor and let HIM do that.

And now, you're feeling foolish because he's blowing you off. But the reality is, you've done this to yourself, you've put yourself in this position, by being the pursuer here, instead of the way mother nature intended it - which is the other way around. Man pursues woman. Period, case closed.

You don't see female doe chasing male bucks around the forest and you don't see the lioness stalking the lion king out on the safari. Don't do that. Men see that as desperate and it decreases your value to them in their eyes. It appears as weakness.

And because of that, he's now loosing interest.

Do not contact him anymore. You need to initiate "no contact" here immediately:

http://www.datingamanformarriage.com/The-Art-Of--No-Contact-.html

http://www.sooperarticles.com/relationship-articles/breakups-separation-articles/what-makes-no-contact-rule-so-effective-because-best-male-psychology-413515.html

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much!! I agree maybe Guy A wants to build a friendship first. So should I completely ignore Guy B's happy thanksgiving text? He sent it a little after midnight..after thanksgiving LOL. I hate when people send holiday texts as an excuse. I haven't replied yet only bc he personalized the text, but I have read that its better to make someone feel guilty lol Should I just completedly ignore Guy B then?

Anonymous said...

^Btw Guy B is a Scoripo! lol Im surprised a lot of girls here have bad experiences with a lot of Taruses on here.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Well that's up to you. But if you do decide to respond, let him sweat it out for a few days. It's a holiday weekend and you've just been really busy is all, LOL ;-)

And yes, I agree, sometimes feeling guilty is a good thing - it's how we all experience growth as human beings - by learning from our mistakes. So let him learn from his.

Anonymous said...

MOA, I really liked your blog and this article is such a help in terms of everything.

A friendship of 14 years. Out of which I have had a crush on him for the past 10 yrs on and off. I told him about my feelings a year back. To which he replied that he was already having a girlfriend. So i moved on.

But we met this oct again, on a group trip. And I realized that I still had feelings for him. This Sep, he just lost his job and his girlfriend left him too. I keep checking up on him from time to time (which I do on account of being his good friend). Which he always replied too. A few days back, I visited my hometown and met him. We met alone and I somehow spoke about "How I wanted a guy who believed in love...How much I believed in Love". Which I guess was a big mistake cause ever since then he has started ignoring my messages. His bday was on the 23rd of this month, so I made a special card for his birthday (we stay in different cities). He saw that and messaged me saying - "Thanks a lot! That was very special what you did on this birthday. :) Thanks for always being there :)". And I also tried wishing him for his birthday twice, but both the times he didn't pick up my call. All this is very confusing. He has always been a very sincere and genuine guy. And I know this for a fact. So his this behavior confuses me and I really really love him, so I do not know what to do.... Help.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
I believe he may only want a friendship here. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear, but I think that may be the case. Because he responds to friendliness, but talk of relationship or love sends him running.

I don't think I'd pursue him as he only keep running. Try being his friend instead.

Anonymous said...

Hey mirror, this guy flirts with me so why hasn't he asked for my number?This situation has beengoing on for two months sinc we first me,once a week at church or when I see him at cultural events (parties, weddings,etc). At church today he sort of squeezed my hand when we said hi to each other, but at the same time I was passing and I figured he'd try to stop me to finally ask for my number. Even as I was at a event today for a friend, he and his brother were seated right near my table and he only talked to me as he saw that I was about to leave! But he still didnt ask for my number Ugh! I dont understand why he’s flirty (long hugs when he sees me etc) Should I just ignore him completely at church or what? I’m so tired of emotionally unavailable men. My friends tells me if he hasn't asked he's probably has a gf or not interested..idkk

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Hmm, I tend to agree with your friend here. He's either a creeper LOL, or he's taken and possibly not interested to that extent. It's a tough call.

But one thing you can be sure of, men go after what they want. If he is interested, he'll hint about getting together sometime or something to that effect. If he does that, give him your number and say, "Yea, that'd be great. Here's my number, call me."

Play it by ear and see what happens is all . .

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror, so I decided to ignore that "Guy B" I told you about. Felt great! Whats funny is that he just sent me a text message around 10pm (ugh booty hour) saying "Hey, u ok?" Honestly I feel like this guy realized that I haven't been giving him any attention lately. Just wish he knew why I distanced myself in the first place (Big flirt,tried to play me, and Insecure like u said). My question is that do u think he's only contacting me bc he feels guilty? Should I keep ignoring him until he actually calls to see my side of the story?

Anonymous said...

^like why do guys automatically think something is wrong with us if we stop contacting them?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov. 27, 10:13PM,
No, I don't think this is guilt. This is "no contact" working. LOL, this is how it works. Strange thing is, women can use NC on a man they don't care for, no problem. And then it works like a charm - on a guy they don't want pursuing them, LOL.

But because women carry such a fear of losing a man they like (they have little faith in themselves that they're worth a man pursuing, they sell themselves short), they hesitate to use NC on a man they like - so instead, he uses it on them - and the woman pursue them, LOL.

He's insecure to begin with so this worked quick with him. He's experiencing self doubt right now, wondering what's going on with you and if you're gone.

Trouble is, with an insecure guy like this - once you turn around and face him or respond - he runs again. (Insecure men and players like to be pursued by women, it makes them feel better about themselves.)

So if you want this one gone for good, just don't respond at all and eventually, he'll pull back.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov. 27, 10:34PM,
Because that's what anyone, man or woman, thinks when someone stops contacting them.

That's what you would think. That's what I would think. That's what they think. They're human too, they have feelings as well.

Men use this tactic on women everyday - no contact. They KNOW it creates a strong attraction, and it does, because it causes obsessive thinking - and all that thinking creates an intense attraction.

No contact can be used to get a man you like to fall for you - and it can be used to get over a bad breakup - it can be used against you - it can be used to get rid of someone . . it's quite useful when dating for a multitude of reasons.

Anonymous said...

^Wow Mirror thanks alot! Really in depth, it was actually funny how quick it happened from the last time I ignored him. This just showed me how insecure he really was!Yea I agree with the NC theory. Ever since I made a list of good qualities I am looking for in a guy, I've been in a diff. frame of mind-Im done with guys like this!

Anonymous said...

Wow.. Mirror, i must say you are truly amazing. I like someone and he was chatting constantly with me. we are in different parts of the world and we met online. Im quite attractive, he is not very attractive though funny and interesting. i like his personality and the way he talks. He is a funny chap. I made the mistake of being rather available and i let him know i missed him when i did. Normally when he disappears for 2 days or so, he would text back and apologise for the disappearance. This time however he has gone for a gd 6 days and i can see he is available on whatsap and he has been following really beautiful woman on instagram. They are not following him back though. I was wondering if he was feel more confident now to approach more beautiful women now and if i am becoming his back up plan? I gtalked him once before this 6 day stint and he has not responded. What do i do now if he whatsapps or gtalks me. I read somewhere in your article that if he texts after disappearing i should not respond for atleast 3 days. what about if he gtalks me? my frens think i should ignore him but i dont want him to think of me as angry because honestly im not. i just think his actions are pathetic somewhat. But well he is possibly exploring his actions but we were kinda chatty and funny alot before he 'ventured out'. He doesnt know i know that he is following stunning women and im actually watching him. I have just been quiet and recently posted happy pics of me with my gfs on instagram.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Well this could be a few things. First off, if you don't respond for 3 days, that's not being angry, that's being busy. And that's exactly what you tell him if he asks. Gtalk, text - doesn't matter. Communication is communication.

Secondly, this is only a "virtual" relationship. This isn't real. It's not taking place in the real world, it's only taking place online. Chances are, you'll never be able to be together or even meet. So don't put too much of your energy into thinking about something that has very little chance of ever becoming real. Focus on meeting someone in real life, in your part of the world - that you can actually have a real relationship with.

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA, This is the Anonymous girl from Nov 25th, 1:43 pm.

Thanks for the advise. The thing is I am tired of being his friend. And I want to be more than friends. Do you think, there can be something that I can do that will make him see me more than a friend?

Now the Oct group trip that I told you about. He got really drunk. And his ex girlfriend was standing in front of him, in fact most of us were talking to each other. And then suddenly he looks at me. Then he points a finger at me, then at himself, and draws a heart and an arrow in it. I asked him about it a week later, cause I was a bit restless and he says he doesnt mean anything by it. What do you think?

Regards,
Friendly Girl :)

P.S: I am glad that you are being honest with me. Honestly I need someone to tell me the truth to me, even if that hurts.



Anonymous said...

Hey MOA,

I forgot to mention, he did message me yesterday evening. He wrote - How are you? Btw, your gift (the card that i sent him) was amazing. I am sorry that I didnt pick up your call in the morning.

I messaged him today, Asking about his birthday and general stuff. We kept messaging each other for about 3 hours... (I waited more than 3 min to send each reply) and then poof, he again disappeared. My message was the last.

I have decided not to message to him, till he messages me again. And I didnt question him about his not picking up my call as well...

Regards,
Friendly Girl :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
No, there is no magic wand that you can wave that makes a man love you or want a relationship with you. If a man genuinely likes you, he'll seek you out and most importantly - he'll ask you out.

And if he said he didn't mean anything by the heart bit he did when he was drunk that night, then that's probably the truth. It was probably friendship.

I wouldn't pursue him, I'd remain friendly with him and see what develops.

Anonymous said...

Thanks MOA,

I am gonna take your advice and be friends with him. Though my hearts aches to just be friends with him. My behaving in such a way over a guy who thinks of me just as a friend, makes me feel more disgusted.

I am a girl, a women and I need to concentrate and love myself more...

Thanks a million. I will keep you updated in case any thing happens. Thanks for being such a gem.

Regards,
Friendly Girl :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@FriendlyGirl,
Hey, it's not the end of the world. Hell, it may even be a "beginning" that you're not aware of right now.

You know, all of the best relationships start out friends first - get what I'm throwing down here?

I'll share a little secret trick that I've used in the past in situations like this - the cool chic trick. I'ts not really a trick, LOL, more of an observation over time. However, you now get to be the cool chic here with him.

Meaning, ever notice that men you just want to be friends with eventually fall for you? Whether you want them to or not, they do. And do you know what that happens? Because you're the cool chic. You're the chic they hang out with and have a good time with that doesn't pressure, doesn't question, doesn't show over the top emotions. You're the cool chic they get to talk to and confide in. You're the cool chic they get to have fun and laughs with and talk to about their relationships with other women and give advice to them, etc.

If women would date EVERY man as if they DIDN'T want to be with him . . if they were the "cool chic" . . every man they'd date would fall for them.

Be the cool chic here and see if you can build on that with him.

Anonymous said...

Please shed some light on my situation; I met an Aries man and on my last day of my work, he belted it out for the world to hear that he wanted to go out with me. But he never asked for my number, instead he kept staring at me and when I left, he seemed angry. The next day I came back to get some stuff I'd forgotten. We managed to swap numbers then and we discussed plans (again, he belted it out that we should go out) but nothing has actually been planned; and since then I have texted him three times and he has not contacted me since. Is he no longer interested?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec. 1 8:57AM,
Well mistake number one here was initiating contact with him. Why are YOU pursuing a MAN? It should be the other way around. That's how Mother Nature intended it. Man leads, woman submits.

When women are aggressive about their sexuality, it reverses the natural order of things. It freaks men out and truthfully, they don't like dominant women. Rather, they prefer submissive ones. Again, the way Mother Nature intended it.

So you reversed the natural order of things here and it probably freaked him out first of all. Secondly, when a woman does that, it translates to men as, "She's desperate." Because they're wondering, "Why on earth is this woman asking me out or calling me?" They're wondering why you didn't give them the time to do so and then they start wondering why you're desperate. Which leads to them thinking, "What's wrong with her that she's so desperate? She must be broken in some way." Not what you want a man to think about you.

So you came on strong here, you were dominant and you pursued. And every single time a woman does that - it backfires on her.

I'm not sure if he's still interested at this point. But what I am sure of is this - if a man is genuinely interested, he'll seek a woman out. Period, case closed. And women need to learn to relax and give men time to, well . . err, be men. To make the moves, to lead.

Do not contact him anymore because it's sending him the wrong impression. If he's genuinely interested, eventually you'll hear from him. If you don't hear from him, then accept the reality and the lesson learned and don't make the same mistake again in the future.

Anonymous said...

Dear MOA,

Like I said earlier, you are a gem...

I like the sound of "the cool chic". I know I can identify with what you are
saying, cause I am a cool chic around all my friends. But with him I start to
become conscious. I guess, I have always seen him in a different way.
But, as you say, I am going to switch on my "Cool chic" mode with him.

You should write an article on "the cool chic". It would be a huge
encouragement for many.

Anyways, I will keep you updated. And thanks once again.

Regards and love,
Friendly Girl :)

Anonymous said...

Hi there I've been reading your posts and I'm really impressed with your advice. I'm wondering if you can shed some light on my current situ: I met a younger guy at a bar - 2 things I don't normally ever get myself into but we really clicked. I always let him initiate the contact. We had a good first date and he continued to text me the following days, he would text me every day. Come the weekend though, he tried getting me to come over to his place at 2:30am. I didn't respond and the next day said that I was insulted and confirms why I usually avoid younger guys but that I did like him and was attracted to him but that I wasn't a booty call so if he wanted to continue to get to know me, cool, if not, also cool. He just kinda laughed it off but he continued to text me the following week. He also didn't ask for a second date and I know that if a guy's really into me, they're booking date #2 as soon as they can. Through all of our contact which has been going on just 3 weeks, I've always let him initate contact. So I finally felt he was just dragging me around and keeping me as a 'text buddy' to keep up the contact as a 'just in case'. Sometimes he would leave a text convo mid-way, but always texted me in the am and just said that he was crazy busy. So I finally decided not to answer respond to him for a day and a bit, and he left me a couple of texts unreplied. When I finally replied I said I was sorry and said I was also really busy. Then I didn't hear from him for 2 days until he texted me at 3am with "you only live once" - it's something he said to me earlier when we were joking about having a threesome with a crazy guy that we met on our date, he joked that you only live once, might as well sleep with a crazy man. Anyway, the next day I replied to his 3am text and said: "you texted me 'you only live once' to brag about having crazy sex with that crazy guy? Jealous. Now that I know you're rude, at least try to redeem your insolence and don't be greedy, hook a girl up". It was meant as a total joke from our earlier convo and he just replied: "rude" with a sad face. I apologized twice becasue I felt bad and thought he knew it was supposed to be a joke and now I haven't heard from him since. What's up with this guy? Did I mess up? Is he a flake? Is he just playing games and trying to maniuplate me? I'm so confused because I'm actaully interested in him...sorry this is so long. Any insight would be great. Thanks.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec. 2 8:07PM,
Honey, I happen to think that response was beautiful, LOL!!

Here's the deal, he was a punk. He wanted sex, not a relationship, hence the early AM booty call texts attempting to lure you into that. Had you gone over there and slept with him, you never would've heard from this one again. Except maybe a month or two later at 3AM again, LOL.

He was seeking sex via manipulation and attempting to charm you with his ego - and you simply called his bluff. Not only did you call his bluff, you stood strong and confident and delivered a blow as well, to his ego. Which he needed, for disrespecting you in the first place. Like you're some ding-a-ling woman that can be "summoned" at 3AM. No way.

He got what he deserved and you outsmarted him. And he knows it, which is why he's disappeared and is sulking, licking his ego wounds. Then he has the nerve to say YOU'RE rude - after he treats you like a booty call. He's the ignorant one.

But you know what? He's probably such a "mimbo" (aka "male bimbo") that there's a very high liklihood he'll be back, LOL.

This could work as a fling, but not as a relationship. He doesn't appear to want one and he doesn't appear to be mature enough for one at this point in his life.

Anonymous said...

Wow, thanks MOA! That is exactly what I needed to hear right now. I had a moment of emotional weakness (thank god I didn't show it in my actions besides my apologies, but they weren't long-winded and later I just reminded him that he walked himself into it lol)but I'm back on track thanks to your invaluble insight and advice. Thanks again!!

MaybeBaby said...

Hello again dear Mirror,
I wrote to you a little while ago under a different article (Maybebaby) about my uni lecturer and just to remind you, we were both age appropriate. You advised to bee bop over to see him, as he suggested after our results were released. So the update is that they were released 8 Nov, which was at that point near 4 weeks since I last physically saw him. The very next day he emails me with conservative praises on doing very well. I say conservative because he didn't ask me how I was. Mmmm. Also, I think he was fishing to see if I was still there. He did not have to do this at all, as our term and uni obligations are well and truly over. I replied by thanking him, gave him a compliment on unit delivery and said I might swing past the following week while I was out there to find out where I actually sat. He replied and said he would be away that week and the one after due to an overseas conference but after that was ok. I do recall him mentioning this conference and taking some annual leave in a previous chat, so I was comfortable that this was true. So I left it for 1 week, and he would have been away at this time, and I responded with...and here I think I stuffed up...I said I'd already been into uni meanwhile, to sort out a project I needed to get underway and wasn't sure when I'd be back. I said when he was finished being famous overseas, maybe we should do coffee if he liked. I said it'd be ok to contact me on my mobile and included it.
So even though I didn't rush in with this suggestion and he still has to make the move to initiate this, I think I stuffed up, but as we were concerned with giving this dude the greenlight by going in there (as discussed in our last conversation), and given that things had changed a bit, I probably and stupidly went a bit far. He was still away when I emailed and I thought, at the time, a greenlight of this nature would be no different to making an effort to go in there as such. So by suggesting this in a fairly humorous and friendly way, I wouldn't have to go in there with him sitting pretty and protected behind his desk. You might recall I really didn't want to front up again like this so I took my step but in a different way - doh! I also felt, at the time of emailing, that this was in some way reciprocating to his and by the fact that he asked me to go in and see him earlier. That and also I guess to see if he was actually concerned about how it might pan out in light of his position if I didn't give him a fairly big greenlight. I guess it also serves to flush out whether he is being flaky or ego driven. (cont...)

MaybeBaby said...

(cont..)So, after that email, I did receive an automated email response indicating his return would be 26 Nov and well is now well and truly past that. We all know that you can access your emails prior to returning too.
Bottom line is that I haven't heard back and assume I have sent him running off into the sunset! I won't be chasing him down to seek his thoughts on it either and would take a gun to my head to do so. On reflection I don't feel I took these steps too quickly, so I do hope that goes in my favour and I don't appear desperate. This has been ongoing since mid Oct and flirting before that mind you, so I cld have been more stupid sooner than this lol! If you have any thoughts on how to deal with it should he resurface or if you think he will, I'd love to hear them and don't spare the critiquing on anything silly i may have done :)
In light of all this, it would be very disappointing if he continues to ignore me seeing that he took part in forming this friendship too, whether or not it was going anywhere. And I was wondering at what point, if any, I have a right to share that and how. I actually feel put off NOW about having a chat over coffee with him as it's been nearly 3 weeks since I emailed and feel this is now rude. I would feel like a shmuck to agree to go for coffee now and would feel like a shmuck if he gives me the "i'm flattered, but..." or anything like it. Just planning ahead. Either way, I'm a shmuck, but is it not nice of him to treat me with silence? Do I need to employ no contact when there is no contact? I feel confused and need some clarity. I feel my email was friendly and reciprocal, not suggestive of anything else but a 'god forbid' coffee. I mean, there are feelings there for sure but I was never going to rush into anything more serious in a screaming hurry. I still have to go to uni and face him at some point but want to do it with my head held high so he can see I won't be treated that way by anyone, no matter who they are. Oh help :( Aaagh, was always a hard one. Much appreciated Mirror. I do try and take on board all the logic here most of the time!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@MaybeBaby,
LOL, well, that's the chance women take when they become the aggressor. You weren't necessarily aggressive here with him, but you did take the lead. No worries, though. It could've been much worse, LOL.

Here's how I'd handle this. I'd be very casual and friendly. I know you feel like a schmuck here, but if you show that, he'll know something was up. You don't want him to think that. You want him to think everything is the same.

So when you see him again, you be cheerful and casual and friendly, "Hey how are you? How was your trip? That's great . .blah, blah."

And then you skip away. Basically, what you'll be doing here is making him think he may have been wrong about you. You're making him think, "Hmm, maybe she didn't want me, maybe she doesn't want a relationship?" You'll be making him question himself. And if he reaches the conclusion that you weren't pursuing him, he may relax and finally make that call.

There are no guarantees, but it's worth the attempt. But you don't let him see you sweat or you're going to confirm to him that this meant more than "coffee" to you. You want to be casual and carefree, just as you had been in the past, so he doesn't sense anything.

And if he doesn't surface, yes, this is rude. So if he treats you different when you see him, you say hello and you move on quick is all. But be happy while doing so. Kinda have a "la, la, la" thing about it, like, "la, la, la . . hey how are you? That's great . .la, la, la."

LOL, get what I mean? It's a head space, it's an attitude of "la, la, la, everything's great."

That's how you'll maintain your dignity here and how you'll look composed and under control to him. That's how you'll come off, so he doesn't think you're stalking him or pursuing him or anything.

Basically, you act like a man here. Like, "Hey, nice to see you! Ok, gotta run." Because I don't think that's what he'll be expecting. And if he sees that, he may think, "Hmm, maybe I was wrong? Maybe it's ok to have coffee."

But if this doesn't work, laugh it off and move on. It's not worth getting upset over. And if it wasn't meant to be, that's because your guy is still out there somewhere is all.

MaybeBaby said...

LOL! Thank you :) I can do all of that! Am having fits of laughter over the la la la! But yes it sure does make sense to keep it as it was.
Next time I see him will most probably be when uni starts back, like March next year so there will be heaps of lovely time in between that I don't look desperate in, and hopefully with the right attitude by then my slip up would have to appear much more like its no biggie to me in his eyes. Oh geez, it does not pay to lead! Thank you for reassuring me that I wasn't overly the aggressor. Didn't feel that way, but I do now feel the need to save my little face and the time gap might help me there somewhat.
I don't think I'll hear anything before then, he'll still be headed for the hills probly, but if I do, will also keep it light. I'll be like Mary in There's Something About Mary LOL! Guess I better get amongst it a bit more too or I'll be thinking too much about it. And you know, my worth is kicking in some more thanks to you, and I just think I'll own that attitude for absolute real! When you walk through some pain, you owe yourself a laugh I reckon :)))) You are the best!

Anonymous said...

Hi mirror,
What do you think about the "Hey" text from a guy? This guy I thought would intiate asking me out to dinner or something, after we hung out twice(after me inviting him to two events) didn't. After I realized he was a lame (expecting me to plan things), he resurfaced again only to send the "happy thanksgiving text", which I ignored. Well now, he just texted me and I was wondering if I should just ignore that too? I just don't want him to think that he made me upset or anything, but at the same time he's turned me off. Its funny that I'm friends with his sister and she texted me the day before, funny feeling that he's asking her about me again. What do you think?

Anonymous said...

To my earlier post, I just responded simply with a hey and good good! when he was generic "how r u". Put him in an awkward bind so he knows I'm no longer interested in him. all he did was say "Thats good" and told me that there was an upcoming annual event (the same one i met him at last year) incase I wanted to go. aka His way of inviting me lol so lame

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
He is acting lame. He needs to man up. However, since you were the one making the invites early on from day one, he now expects YOU to do ALL the work here - and court him, LOL.

Which is why it's never to contact a man or ask him out. That's being a man, it's dominant and aggressive. Be a woman - let the man lead, let him do the work at the beginning to prove himself to you.

Tammy said...

I 100% agree with Aphrodite's thinking on contacting men. I have dated many men successfully and am currently in a relationship with the guy I always wanted.

It is not 'times have changed' you cannot change what is natually ingrained or genetically in a human being. Men are the pursurer, women are the pursued, end of story.

By allowing a man to do what comes natually that is to pursue it shows his level of interest. There are men that are slower 'on the draw' so to speak, like my boyfriend, but he eventually as well started the pursuit.

If women start taking on the MALE role of being the pursue this sets the tone for any relationship you MAY have with him in the future. You would constantly be contacting him, planning outings/dates etc..he will do zero and in the end get off his but..TO SEEK SOMEONE ELSE!

If you like the buy, let him know by being responsive (accept his invitations and advances). If you don't well, you know what to do.

I have been in my relationship for about 1 year and although I do text or call on occassion, I would say 85% of the contact is initiating by him.

Even cavemen saught out and got their 'cavegirl' by pursuing her, so this is something that is not going to change.

Anonymous said...

hi just wondering if it works the same way for a best friend I have a best friend who is a guy for over 7 years and he never initiates contact with me yet when we do meet up with each othe he does say that I am his best girlfriend yet he never brings me around or introduces me to any of his friend or his girlfriend for 3 years but yet he doesn't initiate contract or wanting to see me I need to get all the above what should I do

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Stop initiating the contact and carrying the weight of the friendship on your shoulders alone.

Disappear and see if he comes looking for you. If he doesn't, he's not a friend :-(

Anonymous said...

Hi, I really enjoyed your advice and suggestions.You sound like you care, and have empowered women in taking care of themselves.Anyone who does not see how clever you are in giving women advice on taking charge of themselves, i must say is a fool.Keep on educating and cheers to you!!

Anonymous said...

I don't agree with the "sexual" texts part. What if you are in a long distance relationship? What if you both think its fun? I see nothing wrong with adult behavior between two consenting adults. I wouldn't recommend sending them to a guy I just met, but once you hooked up, it makes no difference, but dear god please ladies, cut out your faces. And all guys and girls are players. Until there is a ring on my finger, I am just as much of a player as he is. That is only my opinion.

Anonymous said...

Also, all people are different and the dynamics of every relationship are different. I had relationships where both of us had so much to talk about we would text each other non-stop all the time and never ran out of things to talk about. If I stuck to most of these "rules," it would have gotten nowhere, except I would end up with regret that I played "games" and repressed what my gut was telling me to do. Then I had the relationships where we saw each other a ton and when we were apart we did not need to talk much, except to check in with each other and figure out any pending plans. All relationships are different. I say go with the flow and do what feels right and what feels natural. Your instinct will tell you if you should or shouldn't be speaking to someone, but then again for God's sake take a risk sometimes. Step out of the comfort zone. Maybe your guy is shy. You never know. Just go with it.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

If you're seeking sex and a string of short term relationships one right after the other...yes, do that. If your seeking a long term relationship that will lead to marriage...don't do that.

Men will sleep with good time girls that make things easy on them...but they very rarely marry them.

Anonymous said...

I would not be attracted to a guy who doesn't have the same sex drive as me and does not think it is fun to sext sometimes. If that is ALL he ever contacted me for, then I would have a problem, but once you are comfortable in your relationship I think it is ok. Some couples sext, others swing, others introduce toys in the bedroom. All people have different boundaries and you are presenting a very traditional perspective, when in reality its all about just living in the moment and taking a risk. Its not all about keeping the guy around and doing whatever it takes to keep him, its about being yourself, showing your true colors and letting him get to know the REAL YOU. If he cannot handle the real you. I have seen lots of my friends marry the boyfriends they had sex with much sooner "than recommended" by "experts" (one of my friends married a guy she had a one night stand with, and even I still can't believe it, but they are a happy normal couple). I think the real issue is why a girl is putting out for the guy? If she is giving a guy sex because she thinks it will keep him around and she is not ready yet, then he will sense that. If a girl is having sex with a guy purely because she wants to and she feels ready and content with that and she wants it, and doesn't turn into an insane clinger afterwards, a guy will sense that. I've played the game. I had sex with one of my exes a bit too early for my standards after a night of drinking (about 5 weeks into dating), I woke up, grabbed my stuff and left before he woke up. We were together for year, he proposed to me. I broke it off a few months later. When REAL LOVE strikes, all rules fall to the wayside.

Anonymous said...

@Aphrodite, are you saying that texting someone leads to sex or to a guy thinking a girl is easy? Or are you talking about the exchange of pics for fun? Also, what about long distance relationships? How are two people to flirt and be sexual with each other while thousands of miles apart? I've read numerous blogs that actually encourage this (exchanging sexy pics, sexy skypes now and then), assuming obviously all your communication is not purely sexual. Its kind of not fair for local couples to have sex 3 times a week and for people who are long distance to only when they see each other in person.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

LOL, that's not exactly a success story, these aren't rules and I'm no expert, nor do I claim to be. Everyone has free will.

The real message her is one of respect and value. And yes, those are both traditional characteristics ....that are falling by the wayside these days.

It doesn't matter if someone's been dating or married for years....no respect for one another, no value of each other...and one day, it ends in divorce.

One or the other will eventually decide to leave or call it off...much like in your example.

Anonymous said...

@Aphrodite, what do you mean by "It doesn't matter if someone's been dating or married for years....no respect for one another, no value of each other...and one day, it ends in divorce?"

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 20, 1:38 AM,
I'm simply saying that MEN interpret a woman initiating contact as "pursuit." And that making yourself too available to a man tends to invite poor treatment from them (taking you for granted, disappearing/reappearing, not following through with what they say, etc.)

Men like to hunt. If you drag a live deer on a chain to a mans front door and invite him to shoot it and claim his prize...he'll be like..huh??

There's no fun, no hunt, no chase.

However, if he spots that deer free in the woods, shoots it, tracks it for 5 miles, and delivers the final blow....he's now feeling alive. His bloods pumping, he's excited and he's proud of his accomplishment.

Making things easy for men by becoming the aggressor ...actually comes to bore a man after a while.

They like a challenge, it's thrilling to them. Men interpret women contacting them as the WOMAN pursuing THEM.

No fun in that, only sex.

Anonymous said...

@Aphrodite, I see what you mean. I think we misunderstood each other. I am assuming most ladies reading this are logical enough to know when they are up a guy's behind, and that they know he should be doing most of the initiation, especially at the beginning of the relationship, but there also comes a point where you need to reciprocate and show a little interest too or you will come off as a snow queen. I say it should be about 80/20 guy/girl at first, but eventually it becomes pretty natural. Regardless, the bigger issue is why TEXTING is replacing normal conversation (phone calls, skype, etc). It is not acceptable, and when a relationship's communication is mostly texting, then there is a very serious problem. It is such a sissy way out for guys, even if they are doing most of the initiation, I think girls should not engage this as or allow it as a primary means of communication. It makes guys lazy and you can forget about ever getting a phone call or skype if he is out of town. That is a cry to all women. Stop using text as primary means of communication, you are ruining men. Might as well put your facebook relationship status as "In a relationship iPhone"

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
It means what it says. If a man and a woman don't establish respect for one another right away, it's doomed. If a man doesn't place a high value on a woman right away, it's doomed.

Those tend to be the marriages where two people have no respect or value for one another. They swear at each other, curse each other out, cheat on one another, lie easily to one another....they're doomed for divorce or a life of bitter hell with one another.

Respect and value are of the utmost importance in a relationship. And both are established immediately and based on how much the person respects and values themselves.

If you don't respect yourself, no one else will either. If you don't value yourself, no one else will either.

And men base their overall opinion of a woman on how she carries herself. Immediately upon the first meeting and hour of conversation, a man is beginning to judge a woman and categorize her into either girlfriend material or fk buddy material.

And then he'll treat her accordingly based on his decision.

You only get one chance to make a first impression.

Anonymous said...

Dear M.O.A,

I came to your page by chance becoz i was looking for answers & yes i believe i have found your posts reassuring that i am on the right track. Great help you are. Just loving the logic you put into all of your writing. Thank you.

Like the rest of the women here seeking help so am i. I'm at the moment in the stage of 'should i stay or should i run stage.

Been dating this dude for the last 3 months. Been on couple of dates & was invited to his place twice. So i will say on the average we meet once a mth. And i had allowed myself to be intimate on all the above occasions.

But each time prior & after I've nvr once initiated contact with him. I had always left t ball in his court even when he had requested that i could call him up if i'm free but i nvr had. I was blowing cold before he dis i suppose.

After every night that i had been with him, he has t habit of starting small talk the following morning, like if i reached work in time, how was my day and so on. After that he goes poof then a month later same thing.

I got into this whole mess not thinking if i even wanted a long term relationship w this guy but i've started to like him & i don't want to end up as his a monthly booty call or sthg. I had nvr for once behaved like a girlfriend or a aggressor. Mostly stand-offish.

Throughout the 3 months he had peppered conversations about wanting to tie down in marriage. His future plans, about challenges he face at work & family, health issues & so on. He also mentioned sthg about him being shy & an introvert.

He calls me up during a friend's wife birthday party to let me know where & who he was with and what he was doing, goes on a short trip w his fellows and tells me that all of them will be sharing the room so there's going to be no stag party going on, tried subtly to hold my hands when we are out, kisses me in public. All of these has been happening without me demanding anything out of him. He acts caring towards me, the last time we got together opened up all by himself & says that he feels great when i am around & asked me how i feel about him but even with all this he still has this habit of doing his disappearing act which i pretty much mimick but nothing has changed for the better. And i don't want to screw this over. What am i doing wrong here?

I know i should hold off sleeping with him again. I've decided to temp. block him off FB & Whatsapp so he doesn't know what i'm up to. And to go lie low for a while till he initiate contact again and not immediately jump at his reappearance as though i'm in heat as i had done in the past 3 mths and reply to him a fews days later instead. You are right about him reappearing only when he wants a date that night or the following day or the day after if i told him that i was busy. Am i on the right track here or do i have to M.I.A for a longer period ?

I'm expecting him to ask me out for Valentine's if he really regards me as special but it is probably too early to tell now.



Anonymous said...

Oh M.O.A,

Guess what? Remember on my last post i had mentioned blocked him off my FB (restricted list = limited views)he applied it to me too just found out obviously was trying to access to my page previously to even find out OPPS !

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous, Jan. 24, 12:26PM,
You're on the right track. Lay low, don't call/text and don't respond for a couple days. I fear he's got a rotation of women going on. And that "touch base" text the "morning after" tells me he knows the routine - WELL.

He's done this shit so many times that he knows the best way to avoid "crazy lady" syndrome is to touch base the day after - and then bolt, LOL.

It's the equivalent of a "courtesy" call. Sigh.

He's still a stranger in my opinion with only 3 dates. So keep that in mind.

He's clearly dating others and I'd suggest you do the same, if you're not already doing so. And I'd pull way back with this one.

Honestly, if it were me, I wouldn't even respond to his next communication. But that's up to you. Just don't go jumping into this man's lap when he contacts you.

I think he's very used to women doing that and I think his dating life is WAY too easy for him.

Lulu N said...

Hi MOA
I have just stumbled on your site and am so impressed with your insight and kindness, helping so many women to get clear on their relationships with men. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

I wonder if you might have some insight for women like me. I have had a very unfortunate experience with men my whole life. Starting from being sexually, physically and emotionally abused by my father, witnessing my sister being gang raped; myself being drugged and raped by a 'friend' and then marrying a man who (I discovered WAAAAY too late) had been cheating on me with various women. Yes, my situation is probably much different to many other women. I feel that I have almost insurmountable fears, doubts and insecurities to resolve if I am ever to find a decent man and have that elusive wonderful relationship.
I left my husband 2.5 years ago and have since been on a mission to heal my life. I have seen counsellors, read HUNDREDS of books on men, relationships and the like.
I felt that I needed to grieve, heal and then learn all of the lessons I didnt get taught as a child. I let myself cry now (I never used to be able to cry because the pain would probably be too much). Little by little Ive learned to love myself, improve my life and even, despite my history with men, Ive been determined NOT to hate them all. It's been the hardest thing Ive ever done. But I know I deserve to be happy and to have the things in life that I want. And I so deeply want to know how it feels to be truly loved by a man and have him WANT to care for and protect me, to have a man WANT to pursue me because he can sense that I am special. Not to find yet another man who will use me and spit me out for his own selfish pleasure / amusement.

All of the men I have ever met have been selfish players with inflated ego's. I can spot them a MILE off.

However, due to my history I have lost all trust in my own intuition. I never saw it coming each time I was abused. Not once. How can I ever learn to trust my intuition if it seems to have always led me down the wrong path??

This is where I'm at now. I met a man who is the opposite of any man I had ever met before. He is very shy and introverted and keeps to himself most of the time. We got on really well. We clicked. Then he began to act differently towards me. He would blush when we spoke and stutter. It was so cute. He would stare at me alot too. I could see a look of longing in his eyes. He is the first man that I sensed is attracted to me but who has not acted on it. He just stares and smiles and blushes. He is always ultra polite with me too. Oh, and he follows me around and had started to initiate conversations...awkward ones but cute. I have always responded and been friendly with him but I NEVER showed ANY signs of liking him back..(Mistake #1). He has never asked me out but I thought I sensed him wanting to (he would hang around and talk to me but then seemed to get gun shy and would take off). His friends questioned me about him and then told me that he is 'very subtle' but wouldnt elaborate....very confusing.

Lulu N said...

cont'd from previous post

i began to like him and have become very curious about him, he seems like someone I would want to get to know better (and I really liked how he behaves around me).

Then he started to back out of training each week because he had taken on an extra job at work which he had said was 'overwhelming'. (We both attend a volunteering org once a week and he was one of the trainers).

This is where I may have made a mistake, according to your philosophy. I initiated contact with him by getting his number from his friend and sending him a text. in Australia we have RU OK? Day so I used this day to send him an RU OK? msg. He seemed happy to get the msg and gave me a long explanation of his situation. I have texted him a few times since then also.

Then he quit the volunteering altogether so I sent him a text saying something like " Wow, that's so sad, I think they've lost their best trainer. And its sad for me too because I've always liked you and wanted to get to know you better. Would you like to go have a coffee with me?

He replied 2 days later " Sorry for the late reply. Stresses at work and home have recently taken their toll. I'm getting on top of it but I need some time to sort things out. Hope you understand."

I replied that I understand and hope it all works out for him and to let me know when he's free. He didnt respond to that.

Lulu N said...

cont'd I have sent a few random friendly texts since then but have not broached the subject of coffee (It felt awkward enough doing that once, lol). He has responded to most of them but not my last one which was just asking him how his holiday has been.

I get that I shouldnt have initiated contact but at the time felt that if I didnt send that text then he would definitely never know that I liked him. So I took a punt.

I will not contact him again because (A) Im not desperate and don't want to give that impression and (B) It doesn't feel right being the initiator. I'm uncomfortable with it and that will translate into how I relate to him anyway.

My question is, how can I trust my intuition that he actually liked me? I read one of your previous posts which mentioned a 'creeper'. Is that what this guy was being if he just stared and got all shy around me? Or is he simply very insecure and maybe needing some encouragement from me (which I never gave when I saw him...my fears would kick in and I would freeze or look away from him...it seems we were both as unsure as each other lol).

He is the first shy man Ive ever met and I'm fascinated and very attracted to his quiet demeanour. He doesnt need or want to be the centre of attention. He actively avoids social situations. He doesnt say much but when he does he is insightful, funny and intelligent...the complete opposite of all those bozo alpha males Ive ever met before.

But I don't know how to open up and be confident in myself to show a man like this that I am interested. My nerves get the better of me. I had several opportunities to let him know subtly that I was interested but let them pass. And now that moment has gone.

..cont'd...

Lulu N said...

..cont'd

And I fear that I have lost any opportunity to get to know a very different type of man...its very sad. I don't know what to do.

i take a VERY long time to open up to men and as such, dating is fraught with problems. Men don't really want to wait months for me to feel safe with them before moving a relationship forward.

I took too long with this man too and now he's gone. I feel very stuck. Ive tried everything I can think of to improve my life but this one area remains elusive and always out of reach :-(
I replied that I understand and hope it all works out for him and to let me know when he's free. He didnt respond to that.

I have sent a few random friendly texts since then but have not broached the subject of coffee (It felt awkward enough doing that once, lol). He has responded to most of them but not my last one which was just asking him how his holiday has been.

I get that I shouldnt have initiated contact but at the time felt that if I didnt send that text then he would definitely never know that I liked him. So I took a punt.

I will not contact him again because (A) Im not desperate and don't want to give that impression and (B) It doesn't feel right being the initiator. I'm uncomfortable with it and that will translate into how I relate to him anyway.

My question is, how can I trust my intuition that he actually liked me? I read one of your previous posts which mentioned a 'creeper'. Is that what this guy was being if he just stared and got all shy around me? Or is he simply very insecure and maybe needing some encouragement from me (which I never gave when I saw him...my fears would kick in and I would freeze or look away from him...it seems we were both as unsure as each other lol).

He is the first shy man Ive ever met and I'm fascinated and very attracted to his quiet demeanour. He doesnt need or want to be the centre of attention. He actively avoids social situations. He doesnt say much but when he does he is insightful, funny and intelligent...the complete opposite of all those bozo alpha males Ive ever met before.

But I don't know how to open up and be confident in myself to show a man like this that I am interested. My nerves get the better of me. I had several opportunities to let him know subtly that I was interested but let them pass. And now that moment has gone.

And I fear that I have lost any opportunity to get to know a very different type of man...its very sad. I don't know what to do.

i take a VERY long time to open up to men and as such, dating is fraught with problems. Men don't really want to wait months for me to feel safe with them before moving a relationship forward.

I took too long with this man too and now he's gone. I feel very stuck. Ive tried everything I can think of to improve my life but this one area remains elusive and always out of reach :-(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Lulu,
I'm very sorry that you've had to experience all of that pain. I understand your fear. And I think a good place to start to alleviate some of that fear and confusion is to understand what a good man looks like, to learn to recognize one:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/01/how-do-you-find-a-good-man.html

Pay particular attention to the 3 types to learn to distinguish in that piece so you can steer clear of them.

"My question is, how can I trust my intuition that he actually liked me?"

Your intuition is the feeling, sense and/or images you receive within the first 3-5 seconds of an encounter or event. Trust it. Because after that, the logical side of the brain kicks in and squashes the intuitive thoughts.

So when you meet a man and something doesn't feel right, avoid him. Don't bother to try to figure out what it is that doesn't feel right, just leave and don't look back. Start following your gut. Because when something doesn't feel right, that's your gut signaling "danger" to an extent.

Much like a dog in the forest will sense danger and know that a predator is near - before ever seeing it. The dog generally doesn't stick around to figure things out or give the predator the benefit of the doubt. The dog just leaves.

The only time this would differ, is if the dog has pups nearby that cannot flee in time. In which case, the "fight" portion of the "flight or fight" survival response would kick in.

Unless there's something personally extremely valuable to you to cause you to stick around and "fight" - the best bet is to use "flight" and remove yourself from the situation.

"Is that what this guy was being if he just stared and got all shy around me? Or is he simply very insecure and maybe needing some encouragement. ."

I think he may have been attempting to decide his level of interest and he was waiting for possible signals. And when that happens, the answer is not to "rush" at the man. The answers are subtle responses. Such as a smile, engaging the man in conversation, making eye contact with him, possibly touching his arm or hand when speaking, and just generally being receptive to him, approachable, friendly and interested.

That's all that needs to be done. Picture this situation in reverse. What if you expressed subtle interest in a man but received no "green" lights back from him to indicate that he was also interested.

And then one day, suddenly and out of nowhere, he somehow manages to get your number and begins contacting you, asking to spend time with you. Chances are, your guard would go up and you'd be wondering, "Where did this come from?" As a result, your response may be one of "flight."

Begin practicing this when you're around men. Even the one's you're not interested in. Start to get used to making eye contact and engaging them in conversation while smiling and being pleasant. This will help you to become comfortable with this.

Cont . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Because one of the things that can happen with victims of abuse is that they can become "hyper sexual" as a result of their experiences. Many people don't understand this, but what happens is the victim begins to use aggressive sexuality as a means to control who they have sex with and when. This gives the victim a feeling of power over something that they never previously had power over before - due to the fact that it was forced and not a choice. Victims can also become hyper-alert. Meaning, they can react and respond in hyper vigilant ways to the stimuli of their immediate environment or experiences.

I'm no professional, but you may want to explore this topic more with your counselor. Because I'm getting the sense that there may be some "hyper" behavior taking place here.

Meaning, at first you're completely non-responsive (shut down). Then the next minute, you're becoming the aggressor in the situation (hyper). And the subtle ways of doing things are elusive to you. Like there's no "gray" area in between - going from 0 to 10 overnight and completely skipping 2-9.

Does that make sense? I hope I was able to get the concept across understandably there.

I think if you began to explore this concept and began practicing the steps of opening up to positive stimuli, one by one (instead of 0 to 10), then this may not happen as often, "Men don't really want to wait months for me to feel safe with them before moving a relationship forward."

If you were able to develop ways to slowly increase your trust in men over a period of time, progress would be made slowly and you would feel safer.

But even regardless of that, that statement is simply not true. A man that is genuinely interested WILL wait for months if that's what needs to be done. But in order for him to do that, you must learn to make small progress during the months long period so that he feels you're both going to eventually reach the finish line. If the man sees progress in trust being developed during the months long period, it will reinforce him to stay - knowing that things are making progress towards the end goal.

Men who aren't genuinely interested leave. But those who are, stay.

As I stated above, you may want to delve into this topic with a counselor or therapist to truly make progress.

Xsodus said...

Hi M.O.A.

I'm the Anonymous to whom you had replied the following to:-

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...
@Anonymous, Jan. 24, 12:26PM,
You're on the right track. Lay low, don't call/text and don't respond for a couple days. I fear he's got a rotation of women going on. And that "touch base" text the "morning after" tells me he knows the routine - WELL.

He's done this shit so many times that he knows the best way to avoid "crazy lady" syndrome is to touch base the day after - and then bolt, LOL.

It's the equivalent of a "courtesy" call. Sigh.

He's still a stranger in my opinion with only 3 dates. So keep that in mind.

He's clearly dating others and I'd suggest you do the same, if you're not already doing so. And I'd pull way back with this one.

Honestly, if it were me, I wouldn't even respond to his next communication. But that's up to you. Just don't go jumping into this man's lap when he contacts you.

I think he's very used to women doing that and I think his dating life is WAY too easy for him.

January 24, 2013 at 5:52 PM


My runaway mole started his move earlier this afternoon by liking my status on FB (which i didn't acknowledge) then just before 11pm he rang me up 2 times in a min probably becoz he couldn't grasp it why his call when direct to my voicemail (i've blocked his number so my phone doesn't ring but just shows t missed calls). I was expecting him to text me to inform me that he tried to call as he did not leave me any voice msg but nothing came so my sitting duck time has begun.

I was giving it some tot and was actually thinking about making him work harder to get my attention instead of just casually saying 'hi, did you call?' aft 3 days. What do think ?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Xsodus,
"I was giving it some tot and was actually thinking about making him work harder to get my attention instead of just casually saying 'hi, did you call?' aft 3 days. What do think?"

Yep. You got it. That's exactly what I'd do with this one because I believe he knows this routine WELL, as I've already indicated. As a result, he's expecting a certain response from you (neediness, insecurity, jumping on the call, etc.)

Don't fall into that trap with him, because that's exactly what he's expecting here and I'm quite sure it's what he's used to.

This one knows that when you disappear on a woman like that after doing "the deed" - you bring her insecurities to the surface. As a result, this makes things VERY easy for the man upon his return.

He sets things up (women) to make things real easy for himself upon a return.

Don't be like all of the other women he's used to. Be different and make him work at this.

And if he doesn't, simply write him off as best you can as a flaky game player.

Because right now, your numbers up - it's your turn in the rotation - and he's thinking this should be pretty easy. He's thinking that the simple fact of him reappearing is enough to make you feel special somehow.

But the reality is that that only works on insecure women. Show him that you're not one of them. Put him to the test. And if he fails, grade him with an "F" as in "F U" and move on, LOL ;-)

Xsodus said...

I love you so much M.O.A !!!

Took him exactly 10 days to initiate call aft t last time we spoke was on 18/01.

It's really scary to see the type of ppl that are all ard us when u break the psychology of it all like this.

Guess i'm now just curious to see how high the monkey can jump. He'll get the F & t boot alright if he fails.

Thank you, love :)

Xsodus said...

And posted a message to me on FB that he was fasting last week (religious reason)

i didn't even say a word or ask him anything & he is voluntarily giving me all these information now?

What is going through a guy's mind actually when he doesn't get any response? I'm curious, pls enlighten me.

Xsodus said...

Dear M.O.A.,

He has been constantly calling at 2 hr intervals since morning today only stopping at 10pm. Msged me once asking 'What is wrong w my phone' still yet to respond. He nvr seem so persistent previously when contacting me but it's scary once i have initiated holding back myself from responding.

When & how should i get back to him ? Not sure if he is going to keep this trend up for the nxt couple of days should i push back and starting countdown once he stops this or how is this suppose to go down? I'm getting very anxious now.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Xsodus,
I don't understand why this is scary or making you feel anxious. Why are you associating negativity with a mans increased level of interest? This worked. You have his undivided attention right now. This man is finally thinking about you and paying attention to you.

This is what you wanted. So I'm having a hard time understanding why you are paralyzed with fear when a man pursues you and gives you his undivided attention.

That's the way it should be. That's how you know a man is interested in you. You should not make negative associations with this in your mind.

You should be thrilled.

At this point, you're free to do as you please. You have his attention now. If you want more of it, hold back. If you're ready to proceed, then respond.

The choice and the power are now yours :-)

Xsodus said...

Dear M.O.A.,

Well actually in my past experiences i've been ard near psychotic, possessive, obsessive bfs (a matter of fact i was even engaged to 1 but i had to break it off as i found him to volatile) who also displayed this is sort of the behavior when i had gotten genuinely busy.

My rule about giving anyone (friends/ family) is to call once + a follow up sms if urgent. When they are available they will call you back. But calling at hourly or bi-hourly intervals throughout t day is something else.

Just weird, for me to get to see this side of him now when i had chosen to ignore him when previously i was accommodating & promptly return his calls & msgs. When he would call it's to get a date, we hook up, be intimate and thereafter just disappears & expects me to do it all over again each and every time he calls me.

If i disappear i'm just not allowed to & i get hunted down. Jeez...

Anonymous said...

Dear MOA,
Irish guys keep asking me for my number on nights out (i am an Irish girl), and then text me a few times and thats it, i never hear from them again. Foreign men make a massive effort in comparison, text all the time, ring from abroad. My new tactic when Irish guys ask me for my number now is, to say i don't give out my number too easy, and that i'll only give it to him, if he really wants it(so to give him the opportunity to not take my number at the beginning, so then i don't have to go through all the mindgames.After i say this, they still take my number and send me a few texts and thats it, i never hear from them again. I'm not desperate, i wait a few hours before i text them back and i am easygoing and chilled out in my responses to his texts, i don't want to come accross as too eager at all.What am i doing wrong??I'm never short of men chatting me up, but it would be nice if it would go somewhere.Any advice would be much appreciated:-)

Vannesa said...

Hi Admin,
Really great informative site you have here. Very reassuring. Thank you. My friend recommended me to this site & now i can clearly see why. :)

I had enforced NC w someone i was dating & I've decided to give him a chance. And according to 'The Rules' of starting from scratch is that dates have to be set earlier in the evening max. of 3hrs and to keep it as casual as possible, correct.

I was requested out yesterday evening for a dinner date today at 6.30pm (i agreed to even though it's less then the proper 3 days advance notice as tomorrow is a working day so that i would have a better excuse to get away after dinner) but he informed me that at ard 5pm that he wouldn't be get off work early as expected hence he would like to postpone it to either Friday or Saturday evening tentatively that is, he will call to confirm on Friday itself. Not even a apology. I just told him let's see how it goes & that i'll let him know my schedule when he reconfirm t date.

He knows that i'm not working the following days. I have been having a funny feeling that he had lead me on to go on a date w him according to his preference to start a conversation w me.

Or am i thinking too much of it. I'm thinking about bailing out on him by telling him i've got plans in place when he calls.

Am i going down the right track here?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 28, 6:46PM,
Don't worry about those men. Be glad they're not using you first and THEN disappearing.

Men who are genuinely interested will seek you out. Men who are only half interested will make a few lame attempts and then disappear.

Be glad they're weeding themselves out for you, LOL ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 29, 7:14AM,
Do not make exceptions to the 3 day date rule or this is what will begin to happen - men will begin to take you for granted. They bail on you, call at the last minute, attempt to use you as a replacement, etc. So stick to that rule in the future to avoid this from happening again.

If your gut is telling you to bail on him here, then that's what you do. Don't do anything that goes against your instincts here or that makes you feel uncomfortable or compromised in some manner :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA,

First off, I love your site. I actually read through every single comment here and you make so much sense. Even though I kinda know what to do at this point, I have to give my situation and see what you think.

Met this guy online and we've been texting for about a month now. In the beginning, he texted me first to say hey or whatever but that only lasted a very short time. I didn't realize that a woman should let a man be a man and pursue the woman so I started sending him those little "good morning, hope you have a good day" messages. Now I'm the one who always initiates contact and I hate it. If I don't text him, we just don't talk. When we do talk, it's good. He seems very sweet. He's told me several times that he likes me and that he's interested.

Mistake #2, We've gotten into sexting several times and (I know, cringe) exchanged those kinda pics. But lately it's just been normal conversation. I realize that I may have sent him the wrong message by talking sexual waaaay too soon.

I almost met him the other day because I was in the area. I told him I would be in the area the night before and he seemed pretty excited to meet. When the next day came he ended up not being able to make it because of both of our time constraints but texted me the whole time (keep in mind, once again, I texted him first that morning). He apologized and I asked him if he wanted to talk on the phone soon and he said he was interested. That call never came. This has happened twice. He's NEVER called me even though he has my # and he does not text me first. Starting to wonder if he's stringing me along or just talking to me to be nice. When I text him, he ALWAYS responds within like 10-15 mins.

So I now know that I've made mistakes with him on so many levels. I haven't texted him in a few days (today will be day 3) just to see if he's interested enough to text me. My question is, in being too available to him in the past, is there any way to reverse this without seeming like I lost interest? I want him to think "ummm, where'd she go?" not "well, she must have lost interest, oh well...". And if he does text me, what should I say? I have half a mind to be like "well, it's about doggone time!" but that would be telling him that I was waiting which isn't going to happen lol. I'm still very interested in him but I refuse to chase him anymore. Help?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Ugh. I hate to burst your bubble here, but this guy is shady. Possibly even married or in a relationship and simply looking for sexting and keeping his options on the "side" open.

Don't waste your time with men like this, sweetie. He's already showed you what a relationship with him would be like. Trust me, it wouldn't get any better either.

" I want him to think "ummm, where'd she go?" not "well, she must have lost interest, oh well...".

I wouldn't worry about what he thinks. I'd worry about what YOU think about HIM. If he figures, "oh well, she lost interest" then so be it. If he's not willing to lift a finger for you in the early days, when men generally ARE willing to do SOMETHING, even if small - this is a giant red flag, sweetie.

Initiate "no contact" and see what he does. But be VERY careful with this one. Personally, I think you're dealing with a seasoned player that's working many, many women and he's already signaling to you that he's lazy and expects you to do all of the work.

And I imagine that a relationship with this man wouldn't be much different :-(

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA,

Thanks a bunch! I kind of figured that myself about him probably being married or in a relationship already. My sister actually said the same thing. He's military and only goes home on the weekends. He acts like he's emotionally unavailable an only interested in "playing" while he's away from home during the week. I'm definitely going to keep visiting this site. Thanks for what you do! You've taught me a lot in the short 2 days that I've been reading your posts.

Anonymous said...

Great article MOA!
I met a gorgeous Aussie in San Francisco at a club, celebrating for my friend's B-Day, and we hit it off immediately...he was friendly, talkative, nice and seemed sincere. I let him hold me outside when the club closed and he said things like 'I might have to bring this girl back to Australia with me' and repeatedly told me how beautiful I was...I totally melted in his arms...he called us Romeo and Juliet since my friend didn't like him very much (she was drunk, said he seemed nice the next day,) and he was only going to be in the city for one more night...I felt like I met prince charming and I couldn't stop smiling and giggling like a little girl!

Now I see where I went wrong, though...The next day I saw that he had texted me 'text me tomorrow if you want to go out ;/' I should have waited to text and figured out how I was going to get back to the city (I live 1.5 hours away, wasn't planning on going back,) but instead I kept texting him and I was totally boring and desperate! I couldn't relax and be myself because I had an image of my perfect prince charming in my head!

He texted later that evening asking if I could go back out and I told him I was away from the city and chances were slim, so he asked how far away I was and said that it sucked and I suggested we stay in contact thru facebook...he asked for my last name and said maybe if i'm lucky! I definitely waited longer to text back to that one (only an hour, ha.) I gave him my last name, and my facebook links to my personal and artist pages (too much info!)

A while later he asked me to come out again and I told him I wanted to terribly so then he called and I had to explain I didn't really have a way out there (no car, stuck at my friend's house, she was putting her baby to bed and there's no way she was gonna drive me!) He was willing to take a cab to me, but my friend said he couldn't come over...so he said he would pay for me to take a cab there! (It would have been like $500 or something!)

I wasn't comfortable traveling alone, and didn't know how I would get back so it just became kind of a tug of war on the phone and it didn't work out...I wonder if he was drunk because he said at one point that we weren't going to go out or anything because he lives in Australia and I'm in America, but then he said we should just get married! He even told me he loved me...(must have been drunk, right?? He didn't sound drunk, though...it was confusing.)

Well after we hung up I texted him to let him know I could email some pictures I had of him from the other night and that I'm so sorry I couldn't make it out there and I added a bunch of hearts in my message....he didn't respond. The next day my friends were suggesting I convince him to come to the Sierra Nevada and enjoy the snow before he left, so I called and left a message telling him to call back if he gets a chance because I had an idea...and still no response.

It's been only 2 days but he's only in the states for another couple days I think (he's in Las Vegas now and New York next, then it's back to Australia.) I feel like I had love at first sight for the first time, and I totally ruined it, right?? Or am I totally crazy?? This guy must have a girlfriend back home, and he's a total player, right?? He hasn't added me on facebook or anything either. I can't get this whole thing out of my head!! I feel nuts! I just got out of a string of long term relationships and I only wanted to have fun but now the bar is set really high for whomever becomes my next distraction! (If anyone does, I guess...)

I could totally use some advice, but at least I've decided I'm implementing rules from your article for the rest of my life! Thank You! <3

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
I think he was just being a bit of a playboy, charmer, sweetie :-(

He was in another country having a good time. I imagine you'll hear from him at some point, but it may not be for a couple more weeks.

Anonymous said...

Dear MOA,
I need some major advice from you.
I met this guy only a month ago and we went on a date but before we did he sent me an email saying he is not looking for a relationship right now. I replied sure , lets just hang out.
The date went very very well, next thing you know I am leaving his place the next morning. I'm a little confused with the mix signals he's giving me. Should I text him ? Or is this it?

Thank you
Ms. New York

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Ms. New York,
Well, I'm not sure what you're confused about. He stated he didn't want a relationship. And that means, "I want to date and have sex without commitment."

And you agreed to that, LOL. And that's exactly what he did.

You can text him if you like - but if you do, know that he will use you again for sex and then disappear on you eventually. Why? Because he can, you've permitted that and agreed to it - and because he clearly stated up front that he doesn't want a relationship.

He only wants "no strings attached."

And that's exactly what he delivered. So unless you are okay with a casual sex situation here - don't contact him.

Anonymous said...

@MOA thank you for getting back to me. Part of me was Hoping I can change his mind when I agreed to being casual friends. But now I know it will not work .

Thank you
Ms. New York

R-E-S-P-E-C-T said...

OK. MOA this site is awesome! Thank you!

Anyway, I am in a similar situation as Ms. New York only I've allowed this behavior since May of last year. I even convinced myself that I was OK with a "casual relationship" and then couldn't figure out why I was always confused, upset, and hurt.

So, this guy put me on the back-burner of his life for the last time about 11 days ago. I FINALLY followed some wonderful advice (yours) and went no-contact. The last text we exchanged was me, "Find somewhere else to stay when you are in town. I'm not mad, just over it. Have fun tonight!" Then I promptly deleted his number and went out and had some of my own fun.

So 7 days go by and guess who shows up in my town, at a bar I frequent for live music this past Friday night? THE MAN-CHILD. It was very busy and I was able to ignore/act like I didn't even see him. He tried making eye contact and there were times when I was literally 3 feet away from him but he said nothing. So, the first question I have is, did I do the right thing by ignoring him?

And now that I know what I know from this site and there is a strong possibilty he will be back (in some form), what on earth do I do when I does text, call, SHOW UP? I understand I should mirror him in electronic form . . .but what about in person? Argh. This is so hard and I don't want to get taken for another crazy ride!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Respect,
Yes, you did the right thing for yourself. And to further protect yourself, I'd use no contact:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

And I show him consequences for his actions:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

And when he arrives somewhere that you happen to be, I'd simply remove myself from the situation.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T said...

MOA--Thank you!!! YOU ROCK! I've read pretty much everything (comments and all) on this site and I LOVE IT and it works! Kudos to you and all you are doing to empower women to find love that they deserve!

Anonymous said...

Dear: M.O.A

I really like this guy, but i keep getting mixed signals. He will text me for a couple days straight and than stop. Hes a very shy guy that doesn't talk to a lot of girls. He sends me winks and smiles all the time but im not sure if most guys do that or not, and i don't want to text him all the time because i don't want to push him away, but i want him to keep talking to me.

I notice that he looks at me and notices me but im not sure what to take out of that? He simles at me a lot and laughs with me in person a lot but than other times i hardly talk to him during class. Im so cunfused and am not sure what to think or do. I like him but i don't want to be wasting my time if hes not interested. HELP!:/

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Just give him the time and space he needs. When he takes breaks texting you, give them to him. Don't pursue him, don't chase him.

All you're required to do to show your interest is...respond. That's it.

Let him be the man. Men that are genuinely interested will seek you out.

Anonymous said...

hi been talking to this guy for a week or soonline and we have spoke for hours and really get on so i gave him my number as i felt he was never going to ask and i thought would show him im generaly interested in getting to know him , but he says he will text me soon but wants to talk longer online first has he got a few options and seeing if im worth it compared to other women although i do feel like i get his undivided attention by how quick his responses are and i always wait anything from five minutes to an hour to reply

Anonymous said...

Hi M.O.A.,

What would be the right etiquette in this scenario? I'm not exercising NC on this guy btw.

Received a call from him at 2pm this afternoon while i was busy. I noticed his missed call and just texted him back "U called?" ard 4pm as i don't think i wanted to return call if he was busy w sthg.

Fellow doesn't reply to it. WTH is he thinking? What's the best approach now? Ignore his ass ? lol

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Yep, for a bit, LOL ;-)

Mirror his behavior. If he takes a day to get back to you, then you take a day to respond. If he takes 5 hours, then you take 5 hours. If he takes 3 days, then you take 3 days.

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous,
Yep, for a bit, LOL ;-)

Mirror his behavior. If he takes a day to get back to you, then you take a day to respond. If he takes 5 hours, then you take 5 hours. If he takes 3 days, then you take 3 days.


This morning at 7am received text msg from him:

Happy Valentine's Day, Sweetie Pie (Heart)

Now what lol replying 3 days later defeats t purpose don't it?

Anonymous said...

Hi, I can't tell you how close I came to contacting this guy until I found your article. Cannot thank you enough for taking the time to write this. You've probably saved me from making a fool of myself. The picture you posted is now hanging on my board so if ever I get that urge to email again it will stop me. I sometimes work as a consultant for a former company. I met him, about a year ago. Because of the age gap between us (he's younger) it took me awhile to catch on he was actually flirting with me. I just took his attention as being friendly and helpful. He's attractive, brilliant and sweet but to be honest, the age difference bothers me a bit. Two months after my last day, he contacted me with some question about one of the projects I handled but that was that. I did begin thinking of him at that point because I hadn't given him my email. He could have easily asked anyone there. I stopped this line of thinking as it was wishful thinking. As I said he is very attractive and even though there is an age difference, I would like to get to know him more. Still I don't like to read too much into anything and until a guy verbally states his interest will just assume they are an acquaintance or friend. Months later I was asked back. My first day there I had to have a meeting with him. As soon as I walked in his eyes locked with mine and it seemed an eternity passed while we stood there. With each conversation there seemed to be a connection forming. He definitely did seem interested. Often times I would try to keep conversations short, only to find him dragging it out by asking me a question just as I would be about to walk away. My last day I was hoping he'd like to exchange contact information but he didn't ask to. He did say he hoped they'd call me back in again soon. Ages ago I would have given him my number but learned the hard way chasing guys doesn't work. It's better to not set yourself up for disappointment by giving your number and having the guy not call. It was with heavy heart that I turned and walked away. I have not been able to stop thinking about him, though I'm getting better. A friend convinced me if I sent him an email saying hey how are you it wouldn't be a big deal. Deep down I know it would be and that's how I found your article. Again thank you for writing it because all you've said are all the things I've come to know as true through experience. I just needed reminding.
Cheers!

jazzabell Hart said...

hi can you help me with some advice please. i have been dating this guy for a month and a bit and he is so interested and really likes me asking if i still like him and he said he believes i like him but because he's so busy so can meet up as much as he wants i may go off him. i said if you want to see me then you would make the effort to see me so would i to see you. just it depends on when we're free. anyways he texts me all the time one most of the day and chat at night everyday he talk for a bit if he hasn't managed to text of talk to me while at work. then we had sex for the first time, he really enjoyed himself and was alot more loving after with more kisses and hugs. nothing was off he said he'd text me like always and i have only heard from him ones in a week which is odd he said he had a funeral that hit him hard so not really talking to people at the mo so sorry i havent texted you, i do want to spend time with you still". the problem is that he just stopped texting me and so have i as he hasnt i dont know what to do, do i leave it because hes upset or do i text him to say is he ok or do i just take hes not into me anymore? thank you

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Jazzabell Hart,
A man that is genuinely interested will seek you out. One that is only half interested will not put forth the effort.

I believe it's best not to become the aggressor and take the lead, because when a woman does that, she exhibits masculine energy - and men are NOT attracted to masculine energy.

He's going through something and he's made you aware of that. Just sit tight and give him the time and space he needs right now.

If he's genuinely interested, he will seek you out once he's recovered.

LionessQueen said...

@mirror

Do you think a man who is genuinely interested will wait a month, two, six, a year to actually "seek you out"? I think it's not always true, I think even if a guy is genuinely into a girl, no matter how much he feels for her, if the relationships is not working a guy will walk away. Guys don't care to work on something or fix something that is not working. I think guys generally expect relationships to be "easy" and "effortless," and only the few old, emotionally mature ones might realize relationships require work and effort. What is your take?

I see that guys around me (guy friends, guys I've dated in the past) settle all the time. I see them with unattractive girls, girls who control their every move and expect to spend every waking moment with them, all the supposedly "undesirable" female traits, and yet there they are. Do I think they are madly in love with these girls? NO! I think they comfortable. Bored an comfortable. Personally, I prefer to be alone than in a lame relationship, but guys seem to settle for the most pathetic b****es? What the hell mirror? Have you noticed this or is this an epidemic of my generation (seeking instant gratification all the time)? (I'm 26)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@LionessQueen,
Well, yes, men will walk away from a relationship that isn't working, interested or not. However, after a significant amount of time passes, many (not all) will turn around and give it a second go at communication to test the waters. And those that are genuinely interested will follow through.

The one's who may be slightly interested but insecure have a much harder time doing so. And the men that settle are usually the insecure ones. No one else will tolerate their poor treatment - but women who have a harder time drawing a man's attention - yea, they'll tolerate it - because of THEIR insecurities.

"Like attracts like" - as in the Law of Attraction. So what you have there are two insecure people that are drawn to one another.

HolyMoly said...

Don’t be afraid to be yourself, be natural... Well, none of that is being natural for me. I believe your advice, but... Damn! They aren't worth it to me. I'm not gay, nor have no plans on being, but hell with men, they're too complicated, they get aggravated too easily then, according to this. I guess I'll just play with them, then DUMP them before they 'can' dump me.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror!
Can you help me with some advice please? He is my best friend since last 6 years. I fell in love with him but I kept on hiding my feelings because I was afraid he will reject, though he is my best friend but I was sure his answer will be something like, "we are just friends".Then one day I told him how do I feel and his answer was exactly the same. The very next day I decided to leave the country as for me he is everything, if someday he doesn't contact I can't sleep I can't eat. I don't know why does it happens. Well, I applied for admission in a university abroad and I kept that a secret from him. Later after everything for my admission got settled then I told him. He was being very nice to me before I left my country and when I plane was about to fly I only told him that I made this decision just because for you I am just a friend. My actual intention to leave the country was to forget him.
BUT, when I came here the things got worse. I am badly home sick and the thing which makes me stressful is that I miss him badly. Then one day I told him each and everything that how I can't eat or sleep if he doesn't contact me and every other feeling which was making me stressful. He listened to all that attentively and after that his attitude really changed and he started taking care of me in a real way as what I wanted. But sometimes it is like he disappears, he ignores me totally and he tells a very little thing as an issue, which is actually not a reason to be disappear. even this time he was disappeared for 3 weeks. initially I texted him to know the reason but then I did unfriend him from Facebook and just around 5 days ago I texted him for an apology as I realised when we last contacted I was quite aggressive. then after 2 days he texted me back saying that lets just forget what has happened and then asked me about my job and studies etc. But I didn't reply him yet as I wanted to know your suggestion. can you please guide me how to treat him?? Sometimes I feel like he is also taking our relationship quite serious but sometimes its totally opposite.
Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Ok, here goes! I met a man online end of May. We communicated daily, love letters, poetry, it was an intense connection, truly beautiful. He decided he 'needed' to meet me. (btw, we live a two hour flight away from one another). He flew in to see me in July and the visit was magical for both of us. He soon invited me for 'chapter two' of this romance to see him for a week in August. I went, met his closest friends, he brought me to his work place, and included me in every part of his life there, it was blissful. Everyone knew about me.

We kept in touch through the fall but didn't see each other, as he was busy moving to another city - a complete life change. End of October, he told me he missed me 'desperately' and invited me to see him in November once he moved to his new location, I said yes. Turns out, a dear friend of mine lives there and it was her 50th birthday (which I was planning on going to) so I booked my flight, stayed with her and reserved three weeks to spend some time with him. (he still wasn't settled into his own place yet). He told me he missed me and was super excited to see me.

The first day we saw each other was lovely and he was showing all signs of still being 'into' me. At the end of the evening, over dinner, we had 'a talk' started by him. Things took a strange turn. He said that everything he told me and felt was real, that he cared about me very much, but that the distance frightened him, (he'd been really hurt in the past in a similar situation) and that he wasn't ready to give me what I was 'ready for' as he was just starting his new life there. (so why come on so strong months earlier and invite me into his world and then again to where he lives now?) It's like the dream now became too real for him and he got cold feet. I then told him I didn't want to be an 'option' as we'd been physical and if he was seeing other people, I didn't want to get hurt as I cared for him very much too...to pull back on the intense love messages if he wasn't then ready for more with just me. He said there was no one else, but who knows. I was ready to give us a chance to see where things could go.. but he suddenly was not ready, yet the day before he saw me he was so excited. I will never understand men.

So, in the three weeks I was there, I only saw him three times. He played hot and cold and I think he was really confused. Our last day together, he said he was really glad he met me, happy I was in his life, that I was a good woman, that he wanted me, but he was just not ready to give me more... As painful as that was to hear, I told him I understood and we agreed to at least be 'dear friends.'

So, I'm now trying to do the 'friend' dance and he keeps texting subtleties that he wants to be in my life as more than friends. He texts me every week or so just to keep me in his orbit. This hot and cold thing is very confusing and makes it hard for me to move on. It's now been over two weeks since he's been in touch... do I write him and keep the communication open? Even as just a 'friend'? Do I tell him I miss him and would love to see him again? Or do I remain silent and let him come to me? I've fallen for him big time and don't want to let things fade away because one of us didn't make a move. He'll be 43 this May so he's not a kid out to have a good time anymore.

Thoughts on how I can I rekindle the flame without pressure? Let him know I miss him without seeming that 'I'm waiting'? Or do I just move on. Dating is tough, especially when you think you've found 'the one' but the timing is off, or one or both is afraid. Perhaps I just need to cut the chord and leave it up to fate..

Anonymous said...

Guy who i had been out with on about 5 dates decides to wish me Happy Valentine's Day after going M.I.A.

I replied to him only at t end of t day:
"That's Sweet". Happy V Da 2u too"

He answers: How sweet am i? ;)

Me: "For now ur as sweet as honey that doesn't shot up my insulin..."
(Pun intended)

He: Ooh.. When u wanna do some food tasting. U r definitely some1 that's sweet too... (I understood the sexual innuendo thr)

Me: Oh, so u do rem. Tat's gd becoz it's definitely goin 2B a while :P

He: Hehehe

Yet to hear from him thereafter. I was just thinking to myself wat an ass... Kinda sickens me to my stomach when a guy uses V day as an excuse to waltz in just becoz he feels like getting in ur pants.

Did i do it right? I'm trying to train this guy to show me some respect but just not sure if it's even getting into his thick head...

AnonWoman said...

Hey Mirror,

Hope you're well.

Met a guy last Saturday from an ol' Internet dating site. I am very choosy, I've met two men (he is my second) off the site and cancelled on about four because I just knew they weren't right before meeting them.

He ticks my boxes (height, education, looks, gentlemanly, etiquette) and organised the whole date and paid for everything and got me home in a taxi and then went onto his place. We had had a little too much to drink but were not wasted. We had held hands as we walked to find a cab freezing our tits off at 2am...and the body language on the sofa in the bar we went to was bang on facing each other.

Anyway, in the cab, he leans forward to kiss me....I look at him with eyes meaning 'no'....and he doesn't lean forward no more and says..."ok".... (meaning, I got you, no kiss). I think then I did give him a three second kiss with closed lips on his lips....dunno why...as I prefer to wait to be honest.

Anyway, then the next day in the evening he sends me a couple of texts. So I think, great, I think that means he likes me. I send a couple back.

Then tonight, he has sent another one asking me how my early start at work was and how he is still recovering from Saturday night.

He has not asked me out again.

Thing is, yes he has been gentlemanly so far, but, he is probably a typical guy where he will keep dating someone he fancies until she ha sex with him or until he decides he is serious about her. He said I was his fifth bird off that site that he'd met (he didn't say bird, that's my way of saying chick!).
I know he didn't meet one again and he met another three times, no idea about the others as I didn't ask more.

Anyway, all that is background, what I think is....I don't wanna get into daily monotonous boring text messaging with a guy about my day, even if he has initiated contact every time.

So I am thinking, just ignore this text and see if he messages again? I dunno. I just wish he would not text daily in a way and just ask me out again - I must think like a bloke. I just think daily texting before you're in love can be a bit normal and boring. In the same breath, I don't want to put him off me before he is more attached. In another breath, I think if I don't respond it may get him thinking about me (a good thing) and he may try a new more exciting tactic? But would he actually phone me....hmmmm, possibly not....we have started with a lot of written communication (email and text...he asked me out after three emails, thank God, so not too many)....he phoned me once to make arrangements for Saturday, but that's it.

Whaddya think?

Take care,

Thanks
AnonWoman

AnonWoman said...

Hi Mirror, hey.... again :)

Another reason I don't wanna always be texting back, is, whilst I am texting back, before he has scheduled another date....well, it's:

1) Like we are already in a relationship
2) He will think he has me, so in the meantime, he can park me whilst he fishes around for other women, just in case....keeping his options open.

Don't you think?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 18, 3:04 AM,
Well he's told you many times that he considers your relationship to be "just friends" yet I get the impression that you're reading into it as more than just friends.

If he hasn't asked you for a commitment, told you he loved you and asked to be in an exclusive relationship with you - the regretfully dear, he's not your boyfriend and you should cease viewing him as such.

A man that is genuinely interested will seek you out. He will express his desire to be near you, to speak to you, to know what's going on in your life - and he will do this regularly and in a reliable manner.

A man that is disappearing/reappearing and that only feigns interest when need be - is only half interested sweety :-( Meaning, he wants to remain friends but he isn't showing that he wants more than friendship.

I think, for your sake, you need to employ no contact (and no response) for 30 days to help you begin to detach from him. The longer you keep trying to pound a square peg into a round hole here - the longer your sorrow is going to continue;

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

You can't make someone love you or want a relationship with you - they have to want the same thing.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 18, 4:53 AM,
"do I write him and keep the communication open? Even as just a 'friend'? Do I tell him I miss him and would love to see him again? Or do I remain silent and let him come to me?"

Nope. You use no contact here to see if that draws out any feelings he may have for you that he doesn't even realize he may have:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

"I've fallen for him big time and don't want to let things fade away because one of us didn't make a move."

The move is not up to you sweetie. It's the mans job to lead when dating:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/pay-for-a-date.html

When a woman takes the lead, she leaves herself wide open to be used (and then dumped) and she also exhibits masculine energy (leading) and not feminine energy (submissive). And men are NOT attracted to masculine energy.

"Thoughts on how I can I rekindle the flame without pressure? Let him know I miss him without seeming that 'I'm waiting'?

Use no contact. This makes a man miss a woman and long for her - and men equate longing for a woman with "love." If you make yourself too available to a man, he doesn't miss you or long for you and it tends to invite poor treatment from them (they begin to take you for granted).

You can't rekindle a flame if it isn't there for both individuals. It's like trying to use a lighter in a wind storm - flick, flick, flick - no flame.

A man that is genuinely interested will take the lead and seek you out.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 18, 6:30 AM,
Well, honestly, I think this is another case that needs no contact:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

When a man makes inappropriate conversation with a woman, leading towards sexual innuendos, don't respond to that. No response. THAT signals that the talk is unacceptable and that if he truly wants to speak with you, he needs to show some respect.

Silence speaks volumes, particularly with men, who truly do understand what silence means. And the silence makes them THINK - about what they did WRONG.

Responding, even in a flippant, playful way - tends to only encourage more of the bad behavior. To men, response (of any kind) = "green" light.

Instead, try no contact and show him consequences and begin setting boundaries:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@AnonWoman,
Well, in this case, I don't think I'd go full-on no contact - but I'd take my good old time responding to his boring, day to day activity, texts. They're not exciting and they warrant no response and they signal that he's going to continue dating others and exploring his options - as you should, too.

So I think if it's a boring text, I'd wait a day or so before responding - and see if during that time, he makes further attempts.

If you start to pull back on him now - it could jump start a desire within him to "win" you over. Don't make yourself too available to him, make yourself scarce, so he has to work at this a bit and maybe step it up a notch.

Wondering said...

What if you dated a guy years ago and found him on FB, and he still has the same ph #, and address, and he has NO idea where you are. How can you get in contact with him, without looking like you're pursuing him? Just a "Hi, how are you?" type thing on FB?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Wondering,
I would think the simple act of "friending" him on FB is enough "contact."

Once you're connected there, if he'd like to catch up, he has every available means to do so. And if he's interested, that's what he'll do.

Anonymous said...

Miss I want to understand man.
Dear Mirror
I need some urgent help here before I break the rules.
February last year my friend introduced mr to his friend over the face book,I checked on him and I really liked him but he stays in another country although in the Same region for work only.
He started checking on mu photos and commentinh them.
Communication kicked between us,and he role mw he was coming for a short break ,he came and he didnt bother to contact me,all allong we wre just chatting over fb and Skype,he never asked for my number.
He contacted me again and apologized for not seeing me because he was buisy ,and hr promised to see me on his next break tht was going to happen in 3 months ,we would casually chats here and there as friends.
Come the next next break,he didn't make an effort to see me ,and went back again.
Thats when he Skyped saying I have just landed sorry I didnt manage to see you,cos I didnt have your number,can I please have your number so that nextime I come I will get intouch.
I gave him my number and he apped me wth no time ,he then told me he was buisy with his girlfrien but I don't think it will last wth her coz there is no chemistry between them anymore.
I gave him a friendly advice incouraging him to keep the relationship.
From that tine we wre apping each other here and there.
He then came back for his usual break early this month,actually he told me was coming and I just expressed my Happy mood,when hr came he spent a week without contacting me,and he contacted me on the valentine s day wishing a happy vale ,I replied 30 min latter and hr asked if we could go for a dinner latter that night ,I agreed to that and we had a dinner it was our first time to meet.
the dinner went on well ,I was myself fun as usual and he looked comfortable around me.
I asked if he wasn't nervous abt seeing me for the first time and he said I looked the same and he was pleased.
I then asked him why he had asked. me out on Val coz he was supoz to be wth his g\f
thats when he told me they had broken up a couple of days ago.
After the dinner I texted him first thankin him for the dinner and he said he was just getting home ,he too enjoyed himself and latter on said sweet dreams my lady.
I only saw him that day and went back 3 days latter.
In those three days ,I contacted him only once a day and he could reply very fast but he never started.
I texted him 2 days latter to check if he had arrived safely and he quickly replied me .
We chatted for abt 15 min and it was fun ,he even said he want to get me out for a road trip when he comes back in 2 months if I have got time &.and I agreed.
My question is what should I do because he doesn't text me first but he quickly replies when I text him.
I dont text him oftenly and when I do iam the one who ends the conversation.
Please help this sister out before I mess up

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
"My question is what should I do because he doesn't text me first but he quickly replies when I text him."

Honey, I'm not sure you have anything other than a friendship here. You can cease contacting him and see if he begins contacting you. But other than that, there's nothing you can do. You can't make a man love you or want to be with you. The interest from the man has to be there.

Anonymous said...

Hi..
I have a question... I was with a guy couple of nights ago, and I texted him the next day to see if he wants to do it again.. he replied that he has to get up early in the morning and that he will go home soon (we were at the same bar and he was watching me the whole time, I answered with few looks and a smile) , next day the same thing . third day he didn't answer .. I can wait not to send him anymore messages, and wait for him to contact me first, play by all the rules you wrote about, but my question is did I blow things up by texting him 3 days in a row? Can a damage be reversible? And how?
Tnx

WISE OWL said...

Dear MOA have met a gorgeous man same age (56)he has been out of a 28 yr marriage for 18mths. met on net dating site and he was intrigued from the start, and he begged me to meet him. we had 1 coffee meet and 4 dates and I let him request and organise them. No sex- he's never even attempted. He was texting once or calling almost everyday with msgs like I like you lots, you are so wonderful, or he seriously values his time with me. I never call him. All good. Then I had to go away on a 4 wk business trip- I was to be away longer than I had known him- which was a good thing as it slowed things down a bit...he knew I had some net contacts to meet on my trip and I asked him to keep up with his dating others, which he did. He told me he met 2 ladies, but he is not interested in them and Im still #1 and cant wait for me to get home. He then invited me to his daughters engagement party on my return.( a big step I think) I said that I should be able to make it but didnt give a firm YES Then he asked how my 2 dates were going, but it was all positive, and we discussed some things about relationships and what we want/ need etc- nothing heavy. Then he stopped calling 2 wks into my trip. The day I returned home this week he txt me and apologised and said he would call later that night. 3 days later no call and no arrangements for the party tomorrow. today he sent a txt and said sorry not to have been in touch and he's not feeling well (sinus problem)and other trivial info. I have not responded to any of these txts. Im dissappointed I wont be going to the party and even more so that he has not made any effort to see me when he knew when I would be back home. Im not going to call or sort out if he wants me there at the party. Is he looking for attention? Ive read if you dont have a time you have no date and with 24 hours to go am I correct in not answering the phone (if it does indeed ring).He did this when I first met him- we had a tentative date made 3 days earlier- I travelled the 80kms to the city to meet him and then called when he was supposed to get off work and he said- oh Im sorry. I have to work late tonite!! I later told him I need firm times and arrangements as Im a busy girl and live in the country so dont want to be mucked around.....its like taking your puppy to dog training!!!! My daughter says Im wrong as I said to him I would let him know about my availability to the party after my driving 800kms home, but as he hasnt called in almost 2 weeks now Im not going to do the chasing or Im just repeating what happened with the after work date...Ive got other plans right?...am I doing the right thing...I get the mirroring thing now...I am learning with your words of wisdom Oh great Aphrodite- Master Teacher....I really like this man....x WISE OWL

PS another general question about when to text back to any man...if its just trivial blah blah and not a question or anything to reply to should you always reply- I tend to ignore texts but always tell a person Im communicating with I dont text and would rather talk in person.

AnonWoman said...

Hiya Mirror,

I have a bit of an emotional issue here with this Leo guy I met last Saturday night. We had a nice evening. Anyway, he texted me Sunday night (I replied Sunday), Monday night (I replied Tuesday) and then again on Tuesday night and this time he finally asked me out again for the following Friday. I thought nice, plenty of notice. But I could not make Friday so I texted back, on the next day (so he may have sweated overnight perhaps I'm now thinking).

The text I sent at midday, upon reflection, a bit cold. I wrote:

"Hi Bob, good to hear you're doing well. I can't make Friday but I could do Saturday"

No question mark or nothing or explanation that I was busy Friday...(he seems to tell me what he is up to a lot). This text was also much shorter than the ones he was sending me.

Then day I texted him Wednesday I hear nothing so I write a message the Thursday morning against my will (note to self: always be careful what you write in the beginning, I learned) saying that I forgot to put a question mark after the word Saturday (plus wrote a couple of extra friendly lines about my life).

So he replies back at 6pm at night. Saying:

......smalltalk....."OK so Saturday. I'm meant to be going for a friends birthday drink. Not massively enthused by the idea for several reasons and if I'm honest seeing you sounds like a much better plan"

So I wrote back at 7pm....."Well I should hope seeing me brings you some enthusiasm of sorts! But if you need to go to your pal's party, that is cool but do let me know tonight. What shall we do? smalltalk...."

Anyway, I heard NOTHING back.

I re-read my message, and I am pretty sure it is clear I am asking for confirmation by the end of Thursday night, don't you think? OK, so it is not explicit, I didn't say, upon reflection:......do let me know tonight though if you want to secure it with me / do let me know tonight though or I will make other plans" Or is my text saying, to let me know Thursday IF HE IS GOING to his pal's party? And he's not written back cos he is not going to his pal's party?

I am wondering if my curt text (but polite no?) on Wednesday and taking a day to reply to him, now things are falling off, and he is playing it cooler than he was. At first I thought his late reply was teaching me a lesson - so I thought OK, I got it, perhaps I did reply late saying I could not go out Friday, so I replied back within an hour but now I have heard nothing.

The thing is, I am now wondering how to tackle this with him if he writes back expecting to see me tomorrow night. I've got myself unsettled over it. I was fairly happy with him but now I am thinking do I want this in my life, I'm am still getting over Aries to begin with, but Bob being in my life was cheering me up I have to say, but taking three days to organise a date one month away is cool, but not the following weekend.

What shall I write back to him? I don't want to seem pissed off with him but then again I think he should be aware of some truth as I can't go on like this. do you think I have got the communication mixed up?

I guess I am asking as I am thinking of canning him altogether now but I am unsure (if he has ended up getting over sensitive about my curt text) but I do like him, I suppose and wonder if things just need smoothing out as they were ok before.

Seems daft all this to me - why couldn't he just phone and ask me out as both of us dragging this over three days, yeah, it made me anxious on Th.e last day.

I hope you get this in time to reply today.... No idea what to write to him as I want to tell him the truth of sorts but in the same breath I don't want to lose him, just in case he is a goodie and it's me being over emotional and curt and needing a lesson myself. Hmmmmmm.

Thank you..

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 21, 10:04 PM,
Honey, this is why you don't pursue a man. Men are the hunters and they enjoy the chase. When a woman pursues a man, she takes all of the fun out of it for him and he pulls the slow fade or disappears altogether.

"did I blow things up by texting him 3 days in a row? Can a damage be reversible? And how?"

Well, it caused him to pull back so it apparently affected him as when a woman does that, the alarm bells start to go off in a man's head and they retreat.

You can't control him or his behavior. The only thing you can control is your REACTION. At this point, you need to cease contacting him and see if he steps forward again. And don't expect that to happen overnight or in a few days. It may be a couple of weeks before he decides to test the waters again.

And if he doesn't, then you simply move on, knowing that he's a man that isn't genuinely interested. Because genuinely interested men will seek a woman out.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@WISE OWL,
Well, I disagree with your daughter, LOL. Because if you tolerate this type of behavior from a man - then this is how they will ALWAYS treat you (by taking you for granted). And can you blame them? I mean, if it's okay one time, then why would they expect it NOT to be okay any additional times? See what I mean?

"Ive got other plans right?"

Yep. The 3 day rule my dear. If he doesn't make date plans 3 days prior in advance, then you're busy (even if you're not). That's setting boundaries with a man. It signals to him that:

1) You're not sitting around waiting for him
2) Your time is just as valuable as his
3) He needs to respect you
4) You've got a life and when he isn't making plans with you, someone else is (even if they're not, LOL ;-)

That's how you garner a man's respect. The other options is to bow down to his whims and roll over and play dead - and then be treated the same way from that day forward, which is crap, so don't do that.

"if its just trivial blah blah and not a question or anything to reply to should you always reply"

No, I wouldn't. Because that's how "text buddy" syndrome happens - where the guy never calls and only texts. Additionally, when you make yourself too available to a man, it tends to invite poor treatment from them (they begin to take you for granted).

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@AnonWoman,
"it is clear I am asking for confirmation by the end of Thursday night, don't you think?"

Seems pretty clear to me, "that is cool but do let me know tonight."

"What shall I write back to him?"

Looks to me like the ball is in his court. I wouldn't contact him, I'd wait for him to contact you.

"(if he has ended up getting over sensitive about my curt text)"

I see absolutely nothing wrong with this text, "Hi Bob, good to hear you're doing well. I can't make Friday but I could do Saturday"

"why couldn't he just phone and ask me out as both of us dragging this over three days"

Use the 3 day rule dear - 3 days advance notice or you've already made plans (even if you haven't).

If he's a good man, he'll completely understand. If he's selfish and entitled, he won't and he'll make a stink of it.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Venus,
Well, this is good:

"he already does all that ..very supportive of you, of your success, your wishes and your desires.."

And so is this:

"he cancels his meetings for me when I am with him for lunch or just a coffee date"

But this is not:

"when I am not at work he expects I answer all his call or return them asap. Otherwise he gets restless and starts firing texts at me"

It reeks of control freak (as many high level corporate men tend to be.)

Nor is this dear, do not ignore your intuition:

"I sometimes feel his ex GF is not 'ex' but that's another dimension of story and its my intuition"

This could signify a sense of "entitlement" (as many high level corporate men tend to carry.)

You may want to read the pieces I've linked to below that discuss sociopathic/psychopathic personality disorders which, my dear, run rampant in high levels of the corporate world.

Many people have written about the correlation between high level corporate "power" people and there are many published books on the matter:

http://www.forbes.com/sites/jeffbercovici/2011/06/14/why-some-psychopaths-make-great-ceos/

http://www.businessweek.com/magazine/the-stack-the-psychopath-test-by-jon-ronson-07212011.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/thom-hartmann/profiling-ceos-and-their_b_245373.html

Anonymous said...

Dear MOA,

I read all of you articles religiously & i understand what is to be expected of a man who is keen about his eye-candy.

How should a woman who has been constantly off t radar being really busy w her own life & work need to react when a guy who seems interested in her had made attempts but of course his calls were missed or were not answered suggests that the lady should or could call when she has free time or to at least txt him to let him know when she would be available to chat w him. He tries to throw her hints that he wants to communicate more w her or just testing the waters? How should she handle this proposal? This is after knowing/dating t fellow for about 4 months or so.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
I'd probably handle that like this. Rather than calling him, I'd respond with something like, "Gimmie' a call at 7PM tonight, I'll be around" and I'd throw the ball into his court.

And then wait to see if he takes action and follows through.

Anonymous said...

i have already completely fucked up

Anonymous said...

Well did exactly that & he replied that he will be out w friends at so & so place to have drinks asked me what i will be doing. I just told him to have fun & i was going to grab some dinner & left it at that. Blew me a text kiss & nothing...

It's really funny to get this sort of answer from him when earlier he was pointing out to me how i never call to talk to him.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Don't listen to the WORDS dear, it's only the ACTIONS of the man can be truly heard.

When men invite you to pursue them, it's a red flag and it will only lead you to confusion and frustration - and many failed attempts to win him over.

If a man is genuinely interested in a woman, HE calls HER. If a man invites a woman to call him, he's enjoying the attention from her (ego) - instead of attempting to impress her. It's a red flag and it's also what's commonly referred to as "stringing a woman along."

The only way to know if a man is genuinely interested or not is to see if he pursues you. To see if he makes time for you, expresses a desire to see you, talk to you and be with you.

Anything short of that from a man and it's best for a woman to walk away and move on :-(

Anonymous said...

Dear MOA, I must say I am truly impressed with your articles!

I need your advice on my current situation:

I met this very successful and good looking guy (which we'll call "Mr. Right now" for the purposes of this post) through a girlfriend of myne who is friends with his buddy. The "buddy" in question told me about Mr. Right now whom he thought might be my type while suggesting I was definitely his buddy's type. I wasn't too fund of the idea at that moment as I had just stopped dating someone but without my knowledge my girlfriend and that friend of hers sent Mr. Right now a picture of me and he apparently was pleased and wanted to meet me.

Around 2 weeks later, I saw Mr. Right now at a bar while our mutual friends were there. We spoke for a while but also socialized with a bunch of mutual friends that were there, he left without asking my number. Although when he left he texted my girlfriend and said "she is funny".. the next morning he texted her saying " you think I should text her?" and so my gf gave him my number and the texting began..

Throughout the first couple days he was texting everyday and I was doing a great job at being succinct funny and detached (would sometimes not respond if it was too late or if his last text wasnt a question, per say).. We had a lot of banter going on and I could sense he was having fun.

Anonymous said...

4 days after our initial introduction, he asked me out for dinner on the Thursday which I agreed to. Next day came and he texted me to tell me he was working hard to get us a table at this very nice venue downtown and we met up there after work. The night went very well,and we seemed to both be having a lot of fun. Comes the check, he pays, I thank him and he asks if I want to go at his place for a drink to which I quickly replied "your place?.. nah.." then he says he is up to have drinks somewhere else but that there is no bar nearby to which I responded(and that might probably be my first mistake)
"I dont mind going to your place for a drink but I just want to make sure that we're on the same page and that you know nothing's gonna happen". Like any men in their right mind would, he said " oh of course" (probably thinking he had enough charm to sway my idea)

So we went, and an hour into it we were talking and he kinda reached out to slightly caress my foot and calf. Tinking he was trying to pull a move, I decided it was time to leave and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

The following day he texted me at night to tell me he had fun last night, to which I replied "thanks again for dinner, had a decent time ;)" .. Then he was texting quite a bit..

That night and at one other occasion during that week he invited me to meet him up for a drink late at night and I would and I would respond in a joking manner, such as " can't blame you for trying, can I! lol" or simply " Next time you should try inviting me later :P ".. The whole week he was working crazy hours until 10h or 11 at night for he was trying to close an important deal at work and so I didnt make much of the fact that he hadnt asked me out on a second date yet.

Comes Friday ( 2 weeks day for day after first meeting him) and he texted me saying he had heard that his buddy was meeting my gf and I for drinks later on, and he said he might come for a drink.. to which I replied "cool, maybe I'll see you there then".

And this is when the story takes a turn for the worse. Around 1 AM My gf left with his buddy and I stayed there with Mr. Right now.. I must've drank way too much (although I dont remember drinking that much ?!) but next thing I remember.. and I'm sorry if this is too graphic.. but I was giving him oral sex at his place !? (I know. Not good!)

I do not even recall driving to his place (which I did) or how he suggested we go to his place (nor agreeing!) heck I dont even know if we kissed.. the only memory I have is of me giving him oral sex. The only thing I know for sure is that we did not have actual sex. Now none of this was in my plans. I felt that up until then I was doing a great job at dodging his advances forcing him to wine and dine me and get to know me if he wanted us to be more intimate (if indeed he showed enough interest that I would want to take it there). I had been funny, a little bit evasive yet showed just enough interest in my opinion but also kept him guessing.

When I woke up the next morning, he was on a conference call with work and told me to keep sleeping as it was 7:00 AM. Being uncomfortable with the situation, I got out of bed 15 min. later and when I got out of the room he was in the shower and I left without saying bye.. Now I dont know why I did that but I was very confused and "lost" that morning and didnt know how to handle the situation!

After a couple hours, realizing that what I had done was probably rude and that I would have an "ego attack" if someone did that to me, I texted him apologizing for leaving without saying bye, that I had to run for an 8 o'clock apointment. His answer was "hahahahah :)".. Dont know what that meant really. He did text me that night around 11h00 saying how work was crazy and that he had just finally closed his laptop.

Anonymous said...

The next morning, I did the unthinkable lol I initiated the first text, asking about the said deal he was working on.. It was a Sunday and he said he was at the office (again) and so I said "letting u work! :) talk later" to which he responded "will do".. This was Sunday.. today is Thursday and I havent heard from him since.

Now reading your article really prevented me from texting him today to ask if the deal had went through for today was the "target date" to close the deal.. It is clearly screaming DESPERATE if I text him.

Now here is my question:

- Do you think I can recover from the huge mistake I made of giving him oral sex way prematurely (that is if he does indeed contact me again, of course)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
You have a 50/50 chance here of recovery. First of all, no more contacting him. Pull back and give him some space. Because now that there's been intimacy and you initiated contact the next day (took the lead role) he's going to be worried that any attention he gives you will amount to a "relationship" in your head.

Next, if/when he does ask you out again, make no expectations of him and DO NOT drink excessively and DO NOT go home with him - even if it's under the guise of watching a movie. Just don't do it or once you agree, he's going to assume sexual relations are coming next.

What you need to do now is detach and pull away, giving him plenty of space to feel "free" and to permit him to step forward again. Also, giving him space will create curiosity. Like, "Hmm, why isn't she blowing up my phone. She should be daydreaming about us getting married by this point."

You want to appear "different" from other girls. And the way to achieve that is to NOT behave in typical ways (needy, clingy, expectant, demanding, etc.)

Stay clear and hang loose. This won't happen overnight. It may be a week or so before he steps forward, but give him plenty of time and space to do so. And when he does, don't fall into his lap again, LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your quick answer MOA! He happened to text me earlier, just asking how I was.. I replied 5 hrs later with a very brief "good how are u?" he then went on to talk about the deal and I left his last text unanswered.. see where he goes from there! thx again

Anonymous said...

Dear MOA, further to my story above, he asked me out on another date. So when he asks me to go back to his place (which he clearly will) I just tell him I feel tired and should go home. How do I approach this? I do not go into details as to why I dont wanna continue the night or what hapened last time? Thanks in advance!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
No, don't stir up any uncomfortable feelings or a "talk" here because it may have a negative effect.

Enjoy the date, enjoy his company, be happy, cheerful and thank him for a great evening. And then simply excuse yourself if he invites you home. "I'd love to but I just can't tonight. Maybe some other time." Or, "I'd love to but I have an early day tomorrow so I'm going to head home."

Give him a kiss, smile, thank him - and simply go home is all.

You don't have to answer to this man dear. You don't have to explain yourself to him. It's none of his business why you're doing what you're doing or what you're thinking, etc. If you don't want to go home with a guy, you just say no. You don't have to justify why you don't want to go home with him.

He's not your boyfriend or your husband. He's just some guy you're dating and a simple, "I'd love to but not tonight" should suffice.

Men don't explain themselves to women most times. They don't explain where they disappear to or why they've disappeared. They don't conduct themselves like that.

And you shouldn't have to either. A simple "no" is more than enough. And if he's concerned about it, let him think about it a bit and reach his own conclusion ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
I've been having dinner with a men which is elder than me 21 yrs old. 1st (May'12) and 2nd (July'12)dinner dates were formal and decent (no hug).

3rd (July'12) after dinner date he gave a goodbye hug with pat on my back/shoulder (without touching my breast)

4th (Feb'13) after dinner date he gave me a tide goodbye hug with pat on my back/shoulder (his chest tide with my breast)

He is travelling for business and I never initiate to text or call him, he will contact me when he is in town and have time to meet me.

Would you think he wanted to get 1 step at a time to get close with me? Hope I am not being sensitive as I normally dont have goodbye hug with me/normal boy friend.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
It's too soon to tell, there have only been 3 dates. You're going to have to wait and see what develops dear :-)

Anonymous said...

Mirror of Aphrodite, may I ask you a question? I am dating a man, we meet once a week, usually on Sundays. At the end of the date he tells me he isn´t sure about our next date due to his travel. So next week he texts me on Saturday evening to "confirm" our Sunday date. I have tried to alter this, so on Saturday I text I will be free on Tuesday. he accepted, we met on Tuesdy, but then again, he texts me on saturday night to meet on Sunday. I just can´t make him invite a few days before the date, which I don´t like, because except it being impolite and putting me in an dependent position, I can´t make my plans freely and always subconsciously wait for his texts. It´s been only casual, so I don´t think I have any special "rights" regarding his behaviour. What do you suggest? Thanks for help.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
I suggest that you continue doing this:

"so on Saturday I text I will be free on Tuesday. he accepted"

Don't say anything, speak through your actions, not your words. Continue refusing last minute date invitations and then suggesting another day later.

Eventually, he will "get" that he needs to be respectful of your time and provide an advance notice.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your answer. Dear me, it´s like with a child or even worse, isn´t it. I don´t know if I will have enough patience to teach this to him because I have tried repeatedly and he just won´t understand the lesson!

Anonymous said...

Thanks Mirror Of Aphrodite, I will have to take your advise on "too soon to judge after 3 dates :)"

Not sure how long I can hang on to "find out" the "Answer".

Anything you can suggest for me on my next date, dont feel good on being hang endless.

Thanks in advance for you advise/suggestion.

Anonymous said...

I met a guy a couple of weeks ago we've been texting which led to flirting which led to me initiating some sexual texts. I'm worried i may have gone to far. When i see him in person its so much fun but he doesn't get back to me very quickly and i've backed off a little and its been days since i heard from him. its driving me crazy. I would like to date him and if he does get back to me would it be awkward if i told him that if he can't take initiative ill find someone that will.

WISE OWL said...

dear Aphrodite, UPDATE to my msg on March 22 2013. Im a bit confused by the no contact rule and the mirroring the same amount of time back... After not answering the phone the night before the party I sent a txt next day saying I was going away for 2 weeks and not to bother to call and that being the same amount of time I have been ignored the last 14 days...I was so cross- stupid move I know. SO I dint go to the party.. I was so worried, I sent him a txt on the Tuesday saying I had prepared a brief email do you want it? He txt back saying he thought I didnt want to see him again!(can he read)and of course he wanted to receive it. So against your continual advice in your articles (yes I can read) but I just knew he didnt understand what was going on) I sent an email with cute little pics of sad boys explaining I had previously told him I need advance notice to organise any outings/dates and as I hadnt heard from him in 2 weeks I didnt know what was happening.I closed by saying I will leave it up to you to think and when you are ready if you wld like to chat I wld like to see you again.I know I should not have sent anything, but he had deleted his profile on our dating site and I knew he wld be upset and confused....so NOTHING...no reply to email...no call from him

So now he has called 2 weeks from the party date we never had. I didnt answer. So its been 4 weeks since we talked on the phone (2 he didnt call me and another 2 since the mishap party nite ad the txt I sent him) He did leave a voice mail msg and sounded very down...and said he wld like to see me and wld like to chat if I wld like to see him.

So my question is how long after this last phone call do I return the call? I feel we have both suffered enough and need to get back to loving!! I dont know if I want a r'ship with him as yet but do want to spend more time with him to discover if I do. After 28 yrs of marriage he clearly is a bit lost in the dating world...and another question..what do I say when I return his call and what kind of get together should we have?..A real date or just a chat in the park? I dont want it to be an ear bashing from me.

I have read "hy men prefer bitches"...great read wish I read it 30 yrs ago!!Thanks in anticipation, from WISE OWL

WISE OWL said...

Oh one more thing did I mention he is an ARIES>>..OMG have been reading your article the ARIES MALE...and I am a SCORPIO....is this all a game or is he falling for me...Our compatibility rating based on precise zodiac charts is 96%...WOW ....I will keep you posted. WISE OWL

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 10, 6:29 AM,
You can do that if you like, however, I don't believe "words" have the impact that "action" does. Men seem to understand the language of action much better.

So rather than tell him this, I think I'd just pull back in an attempt to compel him to step up. And if he doesn't, you have your answer and you're then free to move on.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Wise Owl,
Yes, since he's expressed a desire to talk to you, I believe he's ready to listen and hear you on the matter, so return the call.

When you return the call, you make small talk. Don't get into this subject over the phone. Hint or suggest that when it's time to talk, you'd like to do so over dinner.

That way, you're in a public place and you're a bit distracted by dinner (the waiter/waitress approaching, etc.) and you will be in a position where you won't be able to deliver an ear bashing, LOL, should you be tempted to ;-)

Just remove your emotions from the situation and speak logically, clearly and briefly about the matter. Then say nothing more and let him speak - you listen.

And hopefully, this can be put to rest and you two can move forward.

And if you'd like an example of how to communicate with a man properly in a situation like this, I would suggest visiting the recent comments in this piece:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/06/disappearing-reappearing-man-what-to-do.html

And look for the threads from Gemini50 there. She's been having many of these discussion with a man and sharing them there. So you will be able to see her brief, clear, non-emotional style of communication and you can draw from that as an example when it's time for you talk ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hey all-

The theory of holding back and letting a man contact you is so true! I've been dating a guy on-off who "disappeared" on me. He contacted me last month to reconnect. I must say he's been blowing up my phone nearly every week just for random things which is new for him. I learned my lesson from our prior experience to NEVER call them and don't text them unless its a response to something they asked. Once they feel like they won you over, they will start to change. BELIEVE IT!

I must say within the past week this guy has texted/called me multiple times and he is "super busy." I used to never hear from him until late in the week when he wanted to set things up for the weekend. Now he is texting me at work, at night, in the morning days in advance. I act like I don't care even though he knows I do. I am holding back and watching him come to me more than he did even our first go around.You won't win every battle. Sometimes you have to let the man win when communicating with them while holding your ground.And don't respond to every text they send you....Silence is deafening.

Anonymous said...

@The Mirror of Aphrodite

You have an excellent writing style!

Anonymous said...

Ive been texting a guy for a couple of weeks and im tired of it would it be to blunt to tell him that texting isnt for me id rather hang out so text me when you want to make plans. and then just leave it at that until he responds

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
You're free to do anything you like dear, however, words are rather ineffective with men. A mans language is one of action...not words (emotions).

I would invite him o telephone, and if he continues to text, I wouldn't respond. I'd only respond to a call. And then I'd expect a date invitation to stem from phone calls. I would not agree to "hang out" with a man...that's a sure fire way to quickly become a "f buddy" and nothing more.

I'd only accept phone calls and proper date invitations like dinner, drinks, movies, etc. if you agree to hanging out with a man, you'll never receive proper treatment from one.

He'll fast track you into his home...and his bed...and nothing more.

Anonymous said...

As an anonymous male who happend to stumble upon this page while researching information on texting behavior, I have to say that although you make some valid points, this is a heavily baised thought process of yours,I would like to know why you insist on generalizing all males as if we come off of as assembly line.

Now I can only speak for myself, but me as a single adult male not only fail to fit into any of these stereotypes you have listed as traits of male demeanor and thought processess, I find it extremely discouraging that such "expectations" may be commonplace among women.

Personally, I value honesty above all else, man or woman, in any and every situation, period. I find confidence attractive, but not this attitude you encourage of "playing hard to get". I do not have the time to read through all the comments but at a glance most seem to agree with your approach to dating/relationships. I guess it's safe to say I will probably be single for the majority of my life, but at least I will not be living an illusion. Not only am I as honest as I can be with everyone I meet, I am not agressive with pursuging a woman I am attracted to. In fact I rarely manifest my interest at all. If two people like each other and have enough in common the interaction and level of interest should be mutual in my book. If a woman enters my life and she is the only one in my life I will tell her. I refuse to lie a lie or over-sell myself to anyone when it comes to relationships.

The positive I take from this page is that at least I have a better understanding as to why women simply don't return text messages, which I fail to understand the logic behind. If a woman wants to say good morning or ask how I am doing why can't she? Why not give a more accurate representation of your feelings to someone? These childish games of hiding true feelings and leaving the other party in the dark are remeniscent of middle school behavior. Again, this is all just me speaking my mind and beng honest, I am well aware that I am a minority amongst men, as I often argue with guys I know about my views and how they differ from most others. I just felt the need to share a glimpse into the mind of a man who doesn't fit your cookie-cutter idea of a "man".

Any genuine responses would be greatly appreciated as conversation about such things can be difficult to negotiate in person as I have come to find out. If you respond please resond to "J1" since I am responding as an anonymous user. Thank you all and have a great day!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@J1,
Hi there and thanks for sharing. Well firstly, and you're not going to like this, but most women crave a sense of romance from a man. They need to feel appreciated and desired. It's a common female need and the way a man fulfills that need is via pursuit,otherwise known as good old fashioned courting.

In return the man garners admiration and support from the woman, which aides his confidence and self esteem. So it's really about fulfilling one another's needs via good old fashioned courting. Male hunts, female submits. Those are mother natures natural gender roles assigned to men and women eons ago.

As much s times have changed, deep down inside, those natural gender roles are ingrained in mankind. And courting supports them and fulfills the needs of both parties. Man feels manly woman feels womanly.

Also you have to be mindful of how many, not all but a large majority these days, of men are treating women incredibly poorly, as disposable. Many are satisfying on fulfilling ego needs with instant gratification instead of fulfilling human needs with love an kindness. Read the stories from women posted on this site and you'll see just how much and an epidemic its become.

So as much as honest communication would be nice and provide the answers, the modern day reality is that when women do this. when they communicate their emotional needs and feelings to a man openly an honestly, they are rejected, disposed and left for dead. And the man moves onto his next conquest because the woman ask for too much too soon.

So when women communicate honestly with men, the reality of modern times is that many men, emotionally immature men, leave them high and dry. without explanation apology. It leaves a woman feeling used and worthless and does severed damage to her self esteem.

Regretfully, many of the women here are having experiences with immature, emotinonally unavailable men and the modern reality is good me are hard to find but bad men, yea they're plentiful these days.

Gentlemen are rare gems, players are everywhere. As a result my thoughts shared here simply promote courting - something that many men have an aversion to these days for some unknown reason. it protects women from the less desirable men out there because true gentlemen that are genuinely interested and have a healthy self confidence about themselves, they go after what they want.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

They are willing to prove themselves worth of a woman's affections and emotions. realizing they valuable. And once a man proves himself a worthy mate to a woman the woman can then feel secure sharing and opening up her heart body and soul to the man.

Read this:

http://emmyboy.hubpages.com/hub/how-to-play-mind-games-on-women

This is what women are dealing with nowadays many times and my suggestions here are meant to protect them from these type of men - to sort the genuinely interested from the players and those out to use them.

Google "ignore her" and you'll see that many modern men feel an intense need to "weaken" a woman emotionally - to make her vulnerable enough for her to give in and sleep with them. It's a known tactic many, many are using to get laid these days. It's an epidemic. Things like courting and pursuit - many modern men don't like that. They resent having to work for something and instead, they are entitled and feel that they deserve something - for nothing. For no effort and/or investment of any kind. Which is simply not how life is and those types are suffering narcissistic personality disorder many times.

So this is simply a good old fashioned way of screening men for women to protect themselves. It's not intended to be used as a game. And it's only recently that "playing hard to get" has been labeled a game. Back in the day, it was THE way of doing things. It was how a man proved himself a worthy mate to a female (masculine) and it was how a female garnered respect from a man and proved herself a worthy mate as well (feminine.)

Man leads, woman submits. That's how mother nature intended it and that's what's deeply ingrained in each and every one of us to this day, whether we like it or not.

So it's not about game playing, it's about respect and value and a proper balance of energy, yin and yang - masculine versus feminine. Very primal concepts ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@J1,
Thought you might find this interesting too:

http://blog.lib.umn.edu/wlas0006/1001a/Uncertainty%20Heightens%20Romantic%20Attraction.pdf

Anonymous said...

Your right about the hangout thing and he says he prefers texts to phone calls because he works allot. but they unreliable texting is stupid and i don't have time for that. so ill call him and ask him about going out on a date and see what he does

J1 said...

J1 here, thanks for taking the time to respond so thoroughly, I agree with everything you stated above, though it is indeed depressing to hear that life will get no easier for me in this regard. The bottom line is I simply refuse to follow the innate role of "man chase woman" and thus will probably live a lonely life because of it. I really appreciate what you are doing for all these women, though I beg you all not to forget that though we are numbered, there are still some exceptions to the rule (that being not all men are cimplusive players and or wouldn't stray from many of these generalizations). though I am aware that the overwhelming majority of men are for lack of a quicker term, trash, I am blessed to say I don't know what it's like to be in that counterproductive situation of needing a man in my life and yet having to sift through countless would be potentials turned disappointments. I will continue to be who I am because my identity as a person and as a man is far more important to me than meeting the criteria of some, any woman or person for that matter. I have come across women who have successfully negotiated around my unique defense mechanisms,(as if you haven't guessed already the root of my thought process does indeed stem from emotional trauma distant in my past) and subsequently have had relationships, but am also well aware that they are the exception as opposed to the rule.

When I have more time I will return and read through this more thoroughly, for now I commend you on the time you take to streamline dating/courting for women in general and must say I am glad I found this site. I would rather be upset but informed than blissfully ignorant.

(off topic)
I would also like to add that being the grammar-nazi that I am, it would be of extreme hypocrisy if I didn't take the time to apologize for the grammatical errors/missed keystrokes in my original post. I revised it after publishing and had to go puke in the nearest trash can it disgusted me so. Anyway, til I return with more time and after some thought, your new male fan/student, "J1"

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@J1,
Thanks for understanding and not taking offense. Feel free to begin interacting and sharing your thoughts on the site. I know the women here appreciate a mans point of view as it helps us all better understand one another.

Regarding grammar and spelling, if you're a nazi about it, you'll be frustrated here, LOL. My response to you above was loaded with them due to the fact that many here, including myself, respond via mobile devices, text, etc. And we all use slang terminology as well, myself included. However, we don't judge. It's not the spelling and grammar that's important here....it's the messages ;-)

We have a new anonymous male here ladies...say hello to J1 :-)

Lady Leo said...

Hello J1 :)

I've enjoyed reading your exchange with MOA. Definitely nice to have a smart, articulate man here to share thoughts and opinions.

I'm interested to know why you think you will be single for too long? Are you somewhat insecure about yourself as it relates to dating or communicating with women? Would love to hear your experience, and we will give our insight to you as well!!

Anonymous said...

J1's comment is well taken if he's single/unattached. If so, J1, never let your fear decide your fate.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXkfZv1CGL0

Alice

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@J1,
"The bottom line is I simply refuse to follow the innate role of "man chase woman."

You should embrace your masculinity - not run from it my friend :-)

Regretfully, this concept is VERY important with regards to dating and mating. And it's not about "chasing" it's about proving worth - proving yourself as a man to a woman and proving that your LEADERSHIP as a man is worth her succumbing to you and following you, following your leadership.

It's a very primal, psychological concept that's deeply ingrained in mankind.

I thought you might enjoy reading this piece here, written by a man about that very topic and it's incredible importance:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/modern-man-power-failure-to-earn.html

Because as men and women, we communicate on MANY different levels, subtle levels. And that subtle concept - is a biggie for women. A woman is not going to succumb to a man's leadership if he hasn't proved himself to be a man.

Again, it's a very primal, psychological concept. You see it in nature as well, it's a "natural" role and courtship rituals abound in nature - as well as mankind:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/courtship-dating-benefits.html

J1 said...

@ Lady Leo

Hello, thank you and everyone else for the warm welcome! My thoughts on why I expect to be single more than not are because yes, I am insecure to a certain extent, and only when it comes to dating. I consider myself a confident person by nature but relationships is where I lack both confidence and understanding. It would not be entirely noticeable if we met in person however, I flourish in any social environment and have long ago learned that admitting a lack of confidence isn't the best idea when you are single and looking for a date so I mask it well, or at least as well I feel I can, I am sure some see it nonetheless. What I find most intimidating is that women more often than not expect you to know or figure things out, and when the consequence of failure is essentially losing a potential mate and taking a hit to my pride, it's just not that easy to take that step forward. What makes matters worse is when people figure out I am single they try and pressure me into approaching beautiful women and that can be really intimidating, then it becomes more than just me, I now have peers who have a certain level of expectation for me, whether it be because they think I am confident, or good looking enough, or charismatic enough.

Though us men vary in levels of confidence, expectations, and approaches, most of us have the same doubts and questions. For example, when a woman makes considerable eye contact with you but does not smile, what does that mean? Something obviously drew her attention but was it something positive? What is a proper response or reaction to something like that? The fact that me as a man has to go through life attempting to figure and and decipher a woman's body language and just about everything she does or says because it often means something completely different can be much more overwhelming than you may think.

Sure, men do love competition, and do love to be dominant and protective and all these natural impulses, but let's just say when it comes to relationships, it's harder for some of us to be the aggressor without some sort of encouragement and or positive feedback from the other person.

If I am genuinely interested in a person, the last thing I want to do is ruin my chances. That can easily lead to hesitation.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@J1,
I understand, it is difficult to take risks in life sometimes for many different reasons....but you only live once my friend :-)

As a woman, regarding the eye contact response...most times, that's a green light of sorts. Studies have revealed that a gaze held longer than 3 seconds in either male or female signals interest. If the man returns the age for 3 or more seconds and the female looks away, then back again...bingo LOL ;-)

So my advice to you would be...test her. If she isn't smiling...smile first. See if it captures her attention further. And/or if you're in a bar, here's a foolproof approach. Ask her server what she's drinking and send her a drink. If she accepts it, wait about 5 minutes to see if she approaches you. If not, go speak to her.

Generally, when omen aren't interested, the drink will be refused. But that rarely happens. And that way, you get the green light immediately and you don't suffer a lack of confidence or hesitation...because you've invested in her, impressed her with a nice gesture....and she's responded positively....which indicates it's all systems "go" LOL ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

The auto correct function on all of my mobile devices s driving me nuts. More than once I've called women the "omen" ... It's like my tablet is sexist or something LOL...ugh.

J1 said...

@ MOA you make it sound so simple. :) I will be back after I collect my thoughts on this.

Anonymous said...

Hello!
I just read your site and found it to be very true, but I need some help about a specific situation. I have known this guy for about a month now, he has been coming into my work to drop stuff up for his job. We had been chatting a little and then just last week I made a bold move and asked him if he was seeing anyone, and he answered "No, do you want to go out some time?" So I gave him my phone number and thought he'd contact me the following week or something but to my surprise he texted me a couple hours later and asked me if I had plans for that weekend. We made plans for Saturday night and that was it. He did not seem like a big texter, only texted me to make plans and ask for my address (to come pick me up). Saturday night was great. It was my first genuinely amazing first date with a guy. I knew he was into me too because he put his arm around me, held my hand, touched my knee, and after our dinner he asked if I'd like to go to another place to get some drinks (so we went to a second location that night). Our first date lasted close to 4 hours, I'm pretty sure if he didn't like me he would have just taken me home after dinner. He also said he would like to take me to my favorite bar in the city this week (he said this at least 3 times). The last I heard from him was on Saturday night when he dropped me off at my house and we said goodnight. He hasn't texted me at all since then and I haven't texted him either. He came into work to drop stuff off yesterday like he normally does and we had a quick chat (nothing awkward or anything, just like we normally talk, and he seemed pretty happy to see me). I was expecting him to text me last night and ask me out for some night this week, but no text came! I am a little confused because I know for a fact the date was great and I don't understand why he hasn't contacted me yet. Can you give me some advice? Should I text him at the end of the week if he still hasn't texted me?
-Mackenzie

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Mackenzie,
The only occasions I suggest texting a man are provided in this article. If a man is genuinely interested, he will pursue you and seek you out. He will contact you and ask you on a date.

Don't embarrass yourself or behave in a desperate manner that gives away your power. If he wants you, he knows where to find you. In the meantime, continue living your life.

Life's too short to spend it worrying, fretting or suffering anxiety over whether or not a man is going to ask for a second date :-)

Anonymous said...

Okay, I need some input as I'm just getting back into the dating scene and was taught girls should never call boys as a teen in the late 70's to early 80's. I'm getting a divorce and am interested in one of my son's doctors. He has made note of this as he's overheard the talk of our divorce in his waiting room.

I think he's been flirting with me because I've never been treated the way he treats me at appointments by any other doc (i.e., holding my hands, rubbing my arm, repeatedly asking me if I'm okay, staring at my breasts). He's extended appointments numerous times despite their being little need for his help because another physician is addressing the minor concern. (He's a specialist.) He has told me to call him anytime on several occasions on his cell number. I haven't done this but once as I'm shy and think it would be aggressive. (I called once and left a message of concern when I found out one of his daughters was injured ... his response thanked me for calling several times in that message ... I didn't call back cuz he didn't say to do so.)

I've recently sent a few brief texts over the last two months and received brief but positive responses from him in a timely manner. A few texts have indicated that I should let him know if I ever need anything. The more I think I like him, the harder it is to talk to him in person thus texting has allowed me to do this from a distance.

I know his ethical guidelines say it's only acceptable to date patients or their family members under certain circumstances. I don't want to put him in an uncomfortable situation, get blown off and then be embarrassed at appointments that are scheduled way down the road, but also think he cannot make an advance due to his position. Some have said he must follow my lead because he cannot take the chance that he will be accused of harassment or exploiting the doctor/patient relationship. Should I continue sending brief texts every now and then to let him know I'm interested and/or insinuate that I would be open to contact outside the office setting? He's hot and I'm thinking there are many women interested and probably pursuing him. I, too,like someone noted above don't want what could be an opportunity to connect with someone special to slip away. Where do you think I should go from here? Your thoughts MOA?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
LOL, "Dr. Love" ;-)

Well, with regards to letting opportunities slip away - there are "green lights" a woman can give a man, subtle green lights. Many of which involve body language:

1) Compliment him
2) Smile
3) Make eye contact
4) Touch him while speaking to him
5) Lean in towards him when speaking to him
6) Drop a flirty sexual innuendo (a clean one, not raunchy)
7) Invite him to communicate with you, "Gimmie' a call sometime."
8) Hint at a date, "We should have a drink together sometime" or "What you did for my son was great, thank you. We should have dinner some time."

Here's some more food for thought on the matter:

http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2011/10/05/relationshipstrategies/how-to-let-a-man-know-youre-interested/

Vee said...

Hi MoA,
I wanted to ask you about my own situation. I met a man via an online dating site. We went out twice and I really enjoyed his company. I texted him way too much because I liked him so much and then we arranged to go out on a Saturday. When I didn't hear confirmation I eventually called him and he gave me some lame let's talk later cause I have stuff I need to do excuse. I dumped him because of that and because he made some comment about my nice butt (didn't use that word). Two weeks later I kinda was thinking I was hasty and we started up again after I initiated contact. We started to see each other more and he almost immediately wanted exclusive dating - saying that he had deleted his dating account and prompting me to do the same. Fast forward to six months of seeing each other with more and then most of the communication being initiated by me and periods of time when he didn't respond or even disappeared a couple of times with no communication for entire weekends when our pattern would be to spend time together. He gave me decent excuses for the absence but not for the lack of communication in advance. Another weekend he had a crisis and did call in advance to cancel when his dad was sick. I felt like he was constantly testing me because he would drop words into the conversation or say things that were inappropriate to get a reaction. For example talking about marriage or living together things that make a woman think - is he serious it's too early for this. He also played games dropping the "L" word trying to see if I was going to respond I love you to I love mashed potatoes etc. He was very honest with me most times and very emotionally intelligent. The serious talks that we did have but I didn't feel right about saying anything to him about how I felt because it seemed that we would start to get close and the WHAM he'd do something like disappear or grump at me and I'd back off. In the end he had a financial melt down and lost his job and is losing his house. His excuses for not having time for me all had to do with his side work and need to make money (although his side project never seemed to me to look like it was progressing at the rate it should for all the hours he blew me off).

Vee said...

Cont. I had let him manage down my expectations to nothing because I was always trying to accommodate him and his need to make money and making myself available all the time to him. Finally I got tired of telling him that I felt that I was chasing him (his response would be neither should chase), he had pushed to define the relationship as bf gf and then told me labels were not important and that we should continue as "dating with benefits". I was not happy. I reopened my dating profile and he texted me a few days later telling me he was going to let me be but he knew that I had been on my profile (stalker?). I called him back and we talked and he is desperately trying to find work and keep his house but thinking that he will have to move in with a relative far away. I pushed him for an answer to our situation because I felt like I was just one more thing on his plate in his already stressed life and that if he moved away we were done anyway and he admitted that he didn't want to drag me down in the mud with him and that he would rather take me off his plate. We never had ill words or said things to hurt one another (well maybe he said a couple of cruel things over time), and I am feeling like our breakup was over circumstantial things not like we couldn't have been good together and had a future. Now I agonize over no contact because I am deeply heartsore and miss him. I think his behavior got bad but am not sure that it was entirely his situation with money (he told me once that he liked it when I did all the calling). I don't even know if he is done here and moving or what - he could probably hang onto his house for a long time before foreclosure, but then why should I bother to hurt myself more down the road by deepening the relationship? It's already killing me to be apart from him. I was thinking of waiting a month or three and throw a text out there but I don't know. I feel hopeless sometimes. What do you think?

Anonymous said...

Hi,

I would really appreciate your thoughts on this :)

I've been seeing this new guy. We've known each other for almost a year but only been getting closer since October last year. We work for the same company but he is now at a different location. Our first real date I should say was just before Christmas when we went out to lunch. We didn't see each other over the holidays because we were both busy but he would keep in touch. When we went out to work after the holidays he had to move to his new location and he got really busy with work so we didn't get to see each other until a couple weeks after that on a Friday night for a date that lasted over seven hours. It was a fun night we had dinner, drinks, we talked, laughed and neither of us wanted the night to end. He talked about me meeting his group of friends, a few of whom I've already met. (He would even give his phone to me when they call for them to talk to me and they would invite me to hang out with them). They all know about me apparently and he even mentioned that he would love for me to meet his mom and went on to tell me what I should know about her and what she likes. And that he is investing so much time in us because the thinks I’m worth it. He keeps saying that he has never met anyone like me and that he's interested and wants to get to know me. After that we didn’t get to meet up for a while but he would keep in touch every day.

Then there was a long weekend that was coming up and he was messaging me since the Monday to ask to meet up on the weekend. So I told him I already have plans for Fri, Sat, possibly Sun and Monday as well…so we didn't meet up that weekend. However, he messaged me on Friday to hang out but I had plans on Friday and Saturday that I couldn't get out of. I messaged him on Sunday but he was busy and then I was busy on Monday. I was in his area on Tuesday so I messaged him to see what he was up to but I didn't hear from him. And yes got me chasing him and it's like I didn't even realize it was happening until after the fact.

So after a week of silence he messaged me to ask how I’m doing. He said he's been so busy he can't breathe. Yes, I know he has been busy since the location he is at is actually a new store our company is opening and they have been working long hours every day and even on weekends for the past two months but isn’t the busy with work thing is the lamest excuse in the book for not keeping in touch?

So anyway after that he has been messaging me ever so often after that first time. I would respond after a few days and the last time which was on about a week ago I didn't respond at all. So he called the next day to according to him "harass me" since he says he sends me messages and I don't respond. I also happened to mention that we got two new co-workers one of which is a guy when he asked how work was going. He then asked so is the guy good looking so I jokingly said yes. So he then said that he definitely has to come visit us at the office now. So what, he's jealous now? Well I haven’t spoken to him since and well I know I should move on because if he was genuinely interested wouldn’t he make more of an effort to keep in touch or try to see me? But it’s somewhat difficult to completely avoid or ignore him since I sometimes have to deal with him regarding work. I already had to at least twice last week…

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Vee,
"he told me once that he liked it when I did all the calling"

That's a lazy man dear. And a lazy man will NEVER work at fulfilling YOUR needs or taking any action to make YOU happy. It would always be about HIM, not YOU.

"What do you think?"

Personally, I don't think this man would ever be able to make you, or any other woman for that matter, happy. He seems a bit self absorbed and his actions are proof of that. He also seems to be emotionally unavailable to me, even though he attempts to create the opposite impression.

His words aren't what matters, his actions are. And his actions throughout this entire experience were lazy and self centered.

So I don't think he's a man that would make for a good mate for any woman because he seems a bit lazy and self absorbed to me :-(

Vee said...

@MoA
I imagine that I'm probably in denial. I can't help but think of the times that he DID do things that were just to please me - our dates were thoughtful and centered around things that he knew I enjoyed (he took me to a plant greenhouse for example because he knew that I loved plants and was looking forward to gardening in the spring). He wasn't stingy even when he had nothing to spend. I think you are right about his being emotionally unavailable.
Like most women, I guess, I've turned it inward and think about what I did - all the texting and calling and chasing I did in my anxiety to have him want me the way I wanted him to want me. I think from his stories and what not that he thought all relationships start good and then go sour and the woman goes batty. I'm more certain that his behaviors probably drove women batty. Thanks for the insights and any more that you may toss my way!
Vee

Anonymous said...

Hello, what does it mean when someone sends morning and evening messages almost every time i'm online, and then says that He doesn't want to interrupt, but just wanted to check upon me and take some of my positive energy( knowing that he's been desperately feeling tired in the past weeks)
Do I have to offer any help? or just answer with quite short and brief answers? Do I have to check upon him? What's behind telling me that he's tired and not ok?
Thankful in advance
Anonymous

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Honey, it's impossible for me to sit here and analyze every single little move this man makes.

"Do I have to offer any help?"

No, you have free will, you can do anything you like.

"or just answer with quite short and brief answers?"

Sounds like a good idea.

"Do I have to check upon him?"

Check what? Is he your boyfriend? If not, no you don't have to do anything.

"What's behind telling me that he's tired and not ok?"

I imagine he's tired and not feeling well.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 23, 1:14 PM,
" but isn’t the busy with work thing is the lamest excuse in the book for not keeping in touch?"

No dear, life and work can actually be very hectic and extremely exhausting, taking a serious mental toll from the stress.

"if he was genuinely interested wouldn’t he make more of an effort to keep in touch or try to see me?"

He is keeping in touch regularly dear and he did make attempts to see you which didn't pan out, so it may be that he realized he simply does not have the time right now to date anyone. And it could be that he's keeping contact so that when he is free, he can begin dating you.

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