Mirror, Mirror on the wall - where did he go, why hasn't he called?

What Is A Player: Signs You’re Dating A Player





This one is going to be quick and dirty, ladies. Just the way a player likes it.

What is a player, you ask? Well, he’s a few things. He’s a man cultivating many relationships at once. He’s a man creating options for sex no matter what environment he’s in. He’s a man that plays mind games. He’s a man that is constantly “on” and working it.

He’s a touchy feely man. He’s a man that’s a braggart. He’s a man that’s egotistical. He’s an insecure man, secretly. He’s a man that’s selfish. He’s a man that cheats. He’s a man that manipulates women via their emotions. He’s a man who objectifies women (they’re sexual play toys, not human beings). Often times, he’s a misogynist (he secretly loathes women). But mostly, he’s a man that’s full of sh*t.

My apologies for being blunt, but it is what it is. And once you learn how to spot one, you’ll see this sideshow act coming from a mile away. There are a lot of them out there and they’re not just young guys. The player runs rampant amongst men in their 30’s, 40’s 50’s – across the board.

Below I’ve listed some quick tell tale signs that you’re dating a player. And if you’ve ever questioned yourself, “What is a player?” He’s the guy I’ve listed below.

Are you dating a player? Let’s find out.

So, what is a player? Below are the signs that signify you may be dating a player:

He Asks If You’re Bathroom Is Clean Before He Can Use It


If you bring him to your place for the first time and he says, “Can I use your bathroom?” And then follows it up with, “I know how you women are about leaving out underwear, bras, etc.” He has , to his delight, unexpectedly landed in a woman’s apartment many times before. A player knows that you give a woman the opportunity to hide her private stuff before you say hello to the Tidy Bowl Man.

When You’re On a Date With Him, He’s Disappears Often


If he’s constantly disappearing for the bathroom or conveniently forgetting something that he’s left in his vehicle on a regular basis, he either has severe bladder problems, is using drugs and “fixing” in those absences or is suffering from Alzheimer’s. But more realistically, you’re dating a player that’s communicating via text with another woman. If it was his buddy, he’d have no reason to leave.

If You Confront Him With A Question, He Repeats Your Question Before Answering


If you say, “Where were you last night?” and he answers by saying, “Where was I last night?” he’s buying himself an extra two or three seconds to think of a good excuse. And he only needs those few seconds to do so. A player is quick on his feet.

His Buddies Whisper To Him In Your Presence


Men generally don’t gossip. If his buddies are whispering in his ear, 9 times out of 10, they’re providing him with an update on one of his other “friends.” “Hey, I just saw Jewels over at Club X and she was with some guy.” If he suddenly splits to use the bathroom – he’s ringing Jewels.

He Often Uses Numbers When Referring To Women


If he refers to the bartender as a 5 and you as a 9, he’s objectifying women. To a player, you’re not a living creature with feelings; you’re a sexual play toy that he’s rating according to looks. Congratulations, you win – the boobie prize.

He Acts Like A Matchmaker For His Buddies




If he says ridiculous things to you like, “I help my buddies get women” then you should run. The reality is that a player screens women for his buds, test driving them first, and then helping his buddies get down their pants too by manipulating them, via what he’s already learned about them.

A player doesn’t want to help his buddy get laid without helping himself get laid first. And if his buddy wants it bad, the player, being quite competitive himself, will be sure to sleep with her first, rub it in his buddy’s face and then hand off his “seconds.”

This may sound unbelievable, but trust me, I have many male friends and I’ve witnessed this first hand on more than one occasion - the ole’ “buddy system.”

Ladies, if you’ve slept with a guy who then suggests meeting a friend that may be more suited for you, then you’re the baton about to be handed off.

He Often Loses His Cell Phone


This sounds ridiculous, I know. I mean, in this day and age, aren’t these things attached to your hip? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this lame one. “Sorry I didn’t call. I lost my phone.” Uh huh. Sorry I don’t buy it - because I haven’t lost my mind.

He Tries To Make You Feel Guilty For His Mistakes


If he’s late and you’re upset, the player will blame it on you. “You kept me on the phone too long.” Or, “You wanted me to dress up, so I dressed up” while he’s standing there in a t-shirt and jeans. No matter what, he spins it back on you. This is a true player – a master manipulator. He takes responsibility for none of his own actions and he’s not accountable for anything. He’s covered in grease and everything is always sliding off of him – and onto you.

His Cell Is On Vibrate and Hidden From View


If you’re laying on the sofa and you feel a rumble coming from his pants, chances are it’s not that he’s happy to see you – chances are, he’s hiding people from you that are trying to reach him. A player usually ignores that obvious rumble. And if it rumbles again, and again, and again – you can be sure that’s a woman trying to reach him and not Bob, down at the bar.

He Can’t Remember His Lies


If he tells you he can’t see you on Saturday because he works and then texts you on Monday and tells you he had a great time Saturday night with his buds, he’s telling so many lies and talking to so many women, he doesn’t remember who he’s told what to. A player can’t keep it straight because he’s juggling.

He Has A Cellphone Plan With All The Bells And Whistles


If he has the maximum minutes airtime plan and maximum minutes text plan, he’s probably a player. That’s an awful lot of communication capability. As a rule, many men don’t sit and chit-chat with their buddies for endless hours on the telephone. If he’s maxing out his plans, he’s definitely talking to someone, ladies. The only time this wouldn't apply is if he's a businessman, using the same phone for work and play. But the average Joe - he's not talking and texting another Joe for hours on end.

He Doesn’t Stay For Breakfast


If you’ve invited him into your humble abode and you wake the next morning only to find him dressing and about to run out the door, blabbering about his busy day ahead of him (a video game session with his buds and some Cheetos calling his name), he’s comfortable with the “hit and run” because he’s done it many times before. A player does the dirty deed and then bolts.

He Has Brand New Toothbrushes On Hand


The player is prepared for the one night stand. After many experiences with them, he knows that if you can get up and brush your teeth, he might get morning sex from you, too.

He Cancels Plans At The Last Minute


A player always has something better coming along, and most times, it’s the “easy girl” offering herself up for the evening.

He Tries To Make Plans At The Last Minute


That’s because he said or did something ignorant that upset the “easy girl” and he blew that opportunity for the evening – so now it’s your turn in the rotation. A player can’t make plans in advance because another “easy girl” may offer herself up in the interim.

He Only Texts Or Calls Late At Night Or In The Wee Hours Of The Morning


We all know this one. It has booty call or friends with benefits written all over it.

This is a true players favorite move. He's compelled to act this way, he can't help it. His desires must be met and to him, there's no shame in that. If you accuse him of this, he'll toss out an "I love you baby" just to get in the damn door. Ahh, the true player.

Here's how you handle this one. Tell him to come right over – and be quick about it because you can’t wait to see him – and then go to bed and don’t answer the door.

When he calls you to get you to come to the door - text him that you lost your phone.

He Doesn’t Answer His Phone In Your Presence


That’s because he can’t. It’s another woman ringing that phone and he can’t have that conversation in front of you. If it was really his buddy, a player would be sure to answer that call because he’d be afraid he might be missing something. A player always wants to be where the action is.

He’s Quick On His Feet


The player has an answer for everything and he’s quick with the comeback. Remember ladies, while you were out there cultivating social skills and grace – he was slumming it and cultivating skills of deceit, trickery and manipulation – and he’s damn good at it. Practice makes perfect.

He’s Non-Apologetic


A player doesn’t apologize, he shifts blame. And no matter how bad he’s hurt you or how awful he was to you the night before, he’ll never apologize for his behavior. He’s worked hard at developing swagger and he isn’t about to let that all go down the drain. He’s got a rep to protect and breaking hearts only adds to it.

He Looks Like The Cat That Ate The Canary And Wears A Cheshire Grin




The player has swagger and swagger is usually accompanied by a constant grin – a smirk. The smirk has an inkling of guilt to it, too. A player just looks guilty and many times, has a nervous laugh. Much like the cat that ate the canary, a slight smile that indicates he’s content with himself, accompanied by upturned lips that signify he’s earned his rewards via nefarious deeds. Think of the “Cheshire Cat” in Alice in Wonderland. It’s akin to the “I know something you don’t know” look.

Now, some of these are instant red flags. Others are more subtle and require a combination of a few. However, if your gut started tingling while reading this and you could relate to 4 or more of the above attributes being used in conjunction with one another - then there's a good chance you're being played. But don't go around playing your cards (appearing insecure) by lashing out with accusations - simply sit back in silence and observe.

If you really want to know if you're dating a player, listen to your gut. Women's intuition is very rarely incorrect, ladies.

So now I ask you. . .are you dating a player?

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120 Comments:

Damba said...

How do women players behave. I come from a country where they are plenty.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Damba,
Most of the above applies to women as well. Female players will act much the same. They will diappear often, they'll be quick on their feet, they won't answer the phone in your presence, they won't remember their lies, they may keep their cell phone hidden, etc.

One major difference, however, is that if you catch them or question them, a female player may come up with a really great, believable story that seems plausible but then one day, you find out it was a complete lie.

I believe, women are better at lieing than men. Watch closely though, if she can't hold a gaze, eye to eye, and her mouth drops slightly open - chances are she's giving you a line of bull.

And any player, male or female, will always "butter you up" pretty good. Compliments will abound, they'll use plenty of charming behavior, they'll tell you how wonderful you are all the time, etc.

So if it seems to good to be true - keep your eyes peeled.

Anonymous said...

OMG, I've been reading through your posts, I just found this site and I think it's awesome, thank you. This read really hits home. I've encountered the "matchmaker" recently only to find out that what you've written here about that one is so very true.

Wish I woulda found this earlier.

Anonymous said...

The Text message photo had me rolling! Wow. Im dating a player who has done most of these things. He's looked at his phone as it rang a few times and the name "Melissa" showed up. I asked him who it was and he said "I told you I have female friends" except Melissa called at 9:30 pm and he started an argument and left 15 minutes after the phone call. He's done more but there is not a lot of room to list it all. All I want is to meet someone nice and not a player in this lifetime before i die. I wish I has never met this sorry excuse for a human being. Lovely article and yes I'm still laughing at that tex message photo lol rofl

Anonymous said...

This is pretty good. Basically, player = narcissist. Run while you still have your mind, body, spirit, and emotions intact.

annonymous said...

Please help me out :(

So I've been dating my bf for two years now and I can say he has pulled the disappearing and reappearing stunts and me being me I was always ready to let it slide.I'm the one who initiates communication in this relationship,always texting and calling.He blames this on being super "busy" that he sometimes dsnt see me for weeks on end yet we live in the same city.When he does,its an hour max or when I'm lucky enough he invites me for a sleepover for which I leave the ff morning.What happened recently is he ignored my calls/texts for a week and a half disappearing on me then resurfaced,sent a text for which he blamed a hectic schedule and he was out of town(for which this was news to me)..2 days later he sent another text simply saying "I'm back".please help cause I dnt know how to handle this??its all so confusing and I feel like I'm being taken for granted here.I am a very nice girl,he himself has told me countlesss times I'm so sweet,maybe that's the problem.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Yes, you're too nice - and nice girls finish last. He's treating you poorly because you're permitting him to do so. Why are there no consequences for his bad behavior? If you had a child or a dog who misbehaved, would you not show them consequences for their misbehavior? You are enabling him to mistreat you by accepting it.

Honestly, based on what you wrote here, I don't think I'd consider him a boyfriend. I'd consider him to be a guy you date occassionally. This is not how a boyfriend behaves or treats his girlfriend. He's treating you like some girl he knows that he dates occassionally and I'm not sure he would refer to you as his girlfriend if asked by others, based upon how he's treating you.

First of all, stop doing all the work. Stop calling, texting, pursuing and chasing him. Men look at women who do that as desperate and they tend to disrespect desperate women.

Next, when he disappears - so do you. You don't call or text and when he contacts you - you don't answer. If he disappeared for a week, you don't answer for a week. If he disappeared for 3 days, you take 3 days to return that call or text. That's how you balance a relationship and that's also how you signal to him that there will be consequences for his poor treatment of you - and those consequences will be. . .the same treatment he gives to you - he gets from you.

There are some things you need to think about. Why do you accept this treatment for yourself? Who do you not feel you deserve better? Why do you not demand better for yourself? Why do you make it easy for him to mistreat you? Why are there no consequences from you towards him for his poor treatment of you? Why are you tolerating this? And why do you consider him to be your boyfriend when he's not behaving like one and conducting himself as a man you only date occassionally? Why are you not angry enough to leave him? Why are you making yourself available to him for booty calls? Why do you not love yourself enough to leave him?

Please think about all those things and think about yourself here. You're not looking out for yourself at all. If I were being treated like this by a man - he'd never see me again. Period, case closed.

As long as you continue to accept poor treatment, poor treatment is all you'll ever get from him. Please seriously consider cutting him loose. Do this for yourself and you'll feel much better. He's affecting your self-esteem and your permitting it to happen.

Find yourself a guy who will appreciate you and treat you as valuable. You deserve much better than this.

annonymous said...

U have given me a lot to think about..there were times when out of the blue he's accuse me of cheating and I had no clue why.He'd just get mad and tell me I'm chatting with no base of this accusation.The other day his bbm accidentally deleted contacts and to this day he hasn't re-invited me,I asked why is this he told me I like complaining and he had like a few contacts he has re-added.I dnt know guess I was naïve enough to believe he was genuinely busy and I supported him in all his endevours.as much as this hurts I guess I got to free myself because this is hell.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
You know, I hate to say this, but I'm going to because I think it may help you. But when someone makes unwarranted accusations towards you of cheating - nine times out of ten, it's because that's what THEY are doing. So they assume that everyone is out there behaving as they are. It's called "projecting." He may be projecting his sins onto you. So keep that in mind, especially if he has no basis for these accusations he's making.

And if he hasn't added you to his BBM, do not consider yourself his girlfriend any longer. Think about that. What guy, in his right mind, would not add his girlfriend? Someone he loves or cares about? That's insane.

You like complaining, he says? Well, he likes acting shady and making baseless accusations and disappearing. Who wouldn't complain about behaviors such as that? Don't fall for that from him. He's manipulating you by attempting to make you feel guilty. When he's the one creating the sitatuions, not you. So don't let him project that onto you either, it's not your fault.

He sounds extremely shady, cruel and mean. Don't give a guy like that any of your attention. He doesn't deserve it. You get what you give in life. Plain and simple.

annonymous said...

Thank u so much,I appreciate all your advice and talking about this has lifted some of the weight of my shoulders.That would explain why he wouldn't answer my calls or cut me off and not even bother returning.
In the midst of this confusion,uve been the only one making sense.I felt so alone and confused.thank u

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Don't sweat this one, sweety. If you decide to pull away, after you grieve the loss, trust me, you're going to look back on this all and be like, "WTF was I thinking? He's a piece o' sh*t and treated me like crap. What did I see in him anyway?"

And the sooner you end this, the sooner you'll be free to find a man who will treat you as you deserve to be treated - and once you are treated well by a man, you will NEVER permit this type of treatment from one ever again.

Take control here and you'll feel even better. You'll see.

Anonymous said...

''Tell him to come right over – and be quick about it because you can’t wait to see him – and then go to bed and don’t answer the door.

When he calls you to get you to come to the door - text him that you lost your phone.''

OMG..I Love this part. I wish I did it when the x-jerk I used to see asked me to have sex for last time before we finised. oh Mirror you are a wonderful model of how strong women should be :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Well thank you! Every woman is capable of this, you just have to love yourself enough to be your best self is all :-)

When people (err. . men) call me a bitch, I thank them. Because to me, it means this, an explanation many of you may have already heard:

BITCH = Babe In Total Control of Herself

And there you go hehe ;-)

annonymous said...

The Mirror of Aphrodite
Its me again!!I think he has a kid too..apparently on the bbm he deleted me from he made a newborn baby his Display picture caption "here for a reason"..so I asked him about it and he was like its his sister's baby.Everything in my body screams liar bt I have no concrete evidence its his.I have no way of finding out either because I've never met his family and the friends I know of aren't to be trusted.
Its now too much for me,is it wise if I just keep quiet and walk away cause what's the use of talking when all I get is more lies,I'll never know whose baby that is and he's sure that I'm just a fool.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
The only way to get to know someone is by spending time with them. If you spend time with him and he's always pushing for sex, then chances are he's a player. However, if he's willing to spend time with you, without pressuring you for sex, then he probably genuinely likes you.

Anonymous said...

It's very nice post! And I think I 'd figure him out by time, but I believe in my instinct though. :)

wait...why I feel like the sign is something that I also have done to him. LOL

Anonymous said...

Oh my God ,this is my STORY...I have this B*****d,who is all the above,known him for the last 2 yrs.I thought this was a relationship made in heaven.He was going through a bad patch in life,getting a divorce and I stood by him,like a pillar.I have put up so much of his sarcastic comments,he has been rude and yet I over looked it a million times,( excusing him,and saying to myself,he is busy or he is upset).I'm a epitome of Generosity,since he lived alone and missed Home ( India) I would cook for him,Indian dishes and call him over for lunch or dinner.One day he has the gal to tell me,He has found a Asian ( chinese)girl and is dating her!!!! He even made plans to take her to Paris and propose to her there.He took her to Montreal Canada and stayed for the 4th of July weekend !!!He was still keeping in touch with me.I backed off completely from the relationship,After a gap of 4 months,He was there at my door !!! Dumbo that I'm,I welcomed him warm heartedly and guess what...I forgave him yet again. I know its so Pathetic...Right now I'm cursing myself...where the hell was my self respect?? why did I give in so easily?? was I so vulnerable?? I should have just walked off.Everything seemed okay from then onwards,but not for long,He started to avoid me again.This time I caught him red handed,at the Indian Grocery store,he was there with this other Indian woman!! He totally Ignored me,we crossed each other and I was royally ignored,what audacity!!The revenge I took on him was worth it :P.I love to write,I opened an account on many online sites,under his name,even uploaded his picture and I wrote a lengthy "True story" about this guy,and mailed them to all his Ex's and Buddies !!! LOl

Anonymous said...

This article describes a very obvious player. There is a much more dangerous type. He's the sweetest guy you'll ever meet. Not gorgeous, but not hard on the eyes. He is respectful, kind, thoughtful. Looks at you like you're the best thing in the world. He will tell you about how lonely he is, how it's hard to meet a woman he can respect, he will compliment everything you do. Meanwhile, he is doing the same thing to every woman he knows. This one is hard to spot, but trust your gut! Something will feel like it doesn't add up. These guys often use a trick to make you feel emotionally attached to them. They will sometimes leave you in the cold (ignore you if you meet by chance, take too long to answer a txt or phonecall, somehow make you feel like you don't matter), then just as you are about to become angry about having been treated this way, he will make contact and make you feel good. Like txt: Hi! Sorry I couldn't chat (insert plausible excuse here). It was so good to see you!!! The key is to make you feel bad then make you feel great by making contact and at the same time make you feel guilty for feeling angry. This creates a very strong emotional bond in a woman, and makes you easier to manipulate.
They will often use the words "respect" and 'trust' in their communication. They will send you friendship and warm and fuzzy e mail forwards because they know we eat that up.
Trust yourself! If you're always trying to prove to yourself that there's something worthwhile there, it's likely that it's not there! good luck!

Anonymous said...

This is so vary true what Anonymous said about another type of player that is less obvious. The obvious players are easier to spot and you quickly realize that they just want one thing while the guy that plays the 'nice guy' may appear to be marriage material as he says all the right things and is somewhat patient to become physical with certain women kinda romancing them into it, meanwhile it's the same scenario, his actions are very different from his words. He will express romantic sentiment towards you and then not call or text for a week, not make plans ahead of time, but perhaps make that one call per week just to see if your available on the weekend so that he can keep all his options open and still not completely closing the deal with you as far as plans are concerned - you may be left wondering "so do we have plans for this weekend?"- and when you try to contact him to finalize those plans he doesn't answer or return your calls or text. Most likely he already has a ready made excuse for this like he's always on his phone with business and then goes straight to bed, or his phone doesn't work in his residence.

Michaellyn Ragan said...

I've had more than my fair share of players. The last one that I just dealt with. One of his flavor of the moment who thinks she's his "girlfriend" started harassing me on twitter the other day. He wasn't forthcoming or honest with either one of us about the other woman or other women. Players are wolves in sheep's clothing.

Anonymous said...

Very true of a player is all the above. Worst yet not only does he blame you he will also blame his children, other relatives or friends. The most horrific disturbed ones will plead and cry to you desperately saying, "It's not you it's me, it's all me!", initially appearing to take responsiblity then after you have succumed to this form of trickery and talk it out he fills you with compliments and affection and then amazingly turns the table on to you, with the common statement, "I don't know if you can ever trust." And you feel compelled to prove that you can trust because you want that affection and you want to believe he's being sincere. Not only will he manipulate you and other women they also manipulate their own children or friends who are dependent upon them by any means they see fit, physically or emotionally. The most common words he will use are "Trust Me" As you may have noticed trust is his favorite topic and incidently accuses you of not trusting him for no apparent reason that you can decifer in the beginning...but later you will find it is his ace card to manipulate circumstances he sees fit. You can try ignoring or laughing off the things he says or does that were meant to piss you off so he could make time for the other women but that is dangerous with a serious player as they will go to extremes appearing drunk and argumentative and storm out leavin you crying and your gas burners on .. so he can deny it later and possibly get in your good graces/panties sooner than later. He wants to keep you hanging as long as possible without a commitment or with a false promise and you will either reduce yourself to friends with benefits or get wise and retain your dignity and shut him down even if it hurts. The bond is painful but it is breakable.He won't pursue you if he thinks you are pursuing him - some drive bys and hang up phone calls will keep him at bay while at the same time you relieve yourself of the pain as the bondage you fell into will gradually over time untie you and set you free. My advice is "Don't be the easy-one to get the boobie prize." Sincerely yours aka sweetcheeks.

Anonymous said...

@Michaellyn same here nasty patsy is the nickname he gave her and she's been posing as other men who want to be friends on facebook. I'm not spectulating either as I know all her former last names. If it's not her he's manipulating his teen to do it for him because the most important rule a player has is not to get caught playing, if I'm preoccupied with other things I can't catch him. Little does he realize I don't need to. Actions always speak louder than words. Believe them - the actions that is. Aka sweetcheeks

Anonymous said...

Hi

I have been seeing a guy I met online for a month he messages me silly funny picture messages me every other day. I reply with one then all goes quiet unless I ask him how he is going.

We have met up a few times things get heated then nothing happens (no sex

I met up with him again on the weekend. His phone kept going off I questioned it he said it was some crazy girl he was seeing she keeps contacting him but he is not interested and has been over for 2 months tho he seemed annoyed by it ended up turning off his phone.

He is affectionate holding hands and stuff when I see him
I tried to end it and said I thought we shouldnt see each other anymore (I have a bad gut feeling)

He called n text me until I responded and talked me round..

When i see him He says he can't believe I'm single and said I could basicLly have any guy I wanted why am I online? I'm a dream woman apparently.

Anyway hE is still online ( as mentioned I set up a fake profile) he said he had a date that night that was boring and talking crap...

If he was keen why is he pursuing and dating other women... Is he playing me??? I'm so confused :(


To cut a long story short he is still online picking up women. I know it's wrong but I set up a fake profile and he responded very quickly n sent me his private pics.

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous ...how old is this man?

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, how true this is. I myself have repeatedly been in similar scenarios ending up brokenhearted. I wonder whether these men ever feel anything, any guilt or remorse for the woman. I wish I could turn back the clock and dump them without having sex with them. I wish one day when they are older a young beautiful woman will do that to them, they don´t deserve any better.

star said...

Very true indeed. It´s a coincidence I´ve come across this site right at this moment. You know what has happened.. I´ve just ditched a player before having sex with him! Coincidence, isn´t it? I am sorry about this whole thing because I liked this man much, had butterflies with him, even chased him. He was gentlemanly but too pushy and my gut feeling was protesting. I´ve been searching the internet for players and this article is the best I´ve found. You are doing a great job, whoever you are mirror. Now my question is does this player I´ve ditched feels anything? What is the state of his mind now? I know it´over or rather, it wasn´t anything in the first place but I´d like to know what´s your attitude. I´ll look forward to your answer, thanks.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Star,
Sadly, the answer is, probably not. And if he does feel anything at all over it, it would most likely simply be a bruised ego and some tortured pride.

Because you see dear, players aren't looking for relationships. They're only looking for hookups, brief flings and a good time.

Translation: Players like to "play."

They're not in it to settle down with someone so when things fail, they simply move on and keep playing.

Which is why men like that are a complete and total waste of a good woman's time.

Anonymous said...

The best way to cease a player from your life is to wait 2-3 months to sleep with any man. Most players don't wait that long, and will already be on the prowl for another victim after month 1. Some guys are better at it too especially the highly intelligent ones. They appear too good to be true: handsome, intelligent, and have great conversation skills. If they know a woman is looking for a relationship, they will pretend like they care about getting to know you. After a while, it will be all about getting into your underwear. If they don't succeed, they disappear.

Anonymous said...

Wow. All great advice. Im going through this right now and just found out the guy I was dating is also dating another woman. Hes the quiet, smart type that hides behind his job to cover up for lack of communication. Tries really hard in the beginning, then slowly pulls away to accomodate more women. And its interesting that I found out all these women are successful, beautiful.... yet he gets away with it. Sometimes I dont understand how thats possible. Im glad I realized it only 1.5 months in and can walk away. However, this w a s the second round for us and i believed the first excuse that he had a major family issue. Its going to take a lot of will power, but I know I deserve better.
Any suggestions to make this a quicker process to move on would be helpful. And how long until I can trust again is my only concern.
Thx

Anonymous said...

Yes, the worst thing about being played is that a woman feels hurt and abused after the break-up. My advice is to continue dating regardless. Meeting new man is a must although it seems ipossible at the moment. And a kind of solice is that as you can see on this blog there are many more woman who have been in the same situation so you are not alone.

Anonymous said...

Honestly, the most often reason why I think man will disappear is because another woman came into the picture. A man will stay around if he is trying to have sex with you and lack options, but if another woman comes into the picture he will try to focus the game on her.Hence, he is spread thin especially on the weekend, and you will notice the communication changes. Then its really game on.

Anonymous said...

oh you are goooooooooood.. i love your article...i wish i could have read it 2 years ago...i left him , he plead me and then he started to ask me to spend days at his home..even for a month..but something told me that he still played that game of his..so i left again. He text me 3 times via web and did not answer it. But on the 4th attempt i respond with the same style he did..i waited for 30 minutes to see what he wanted to say to me but ..nothing. i felt so stupid. i gave him the reinsurance he wanted...i wish i had read your article about NC for 30 days rule...so now i will start from the beginning.i lost 15 days of nc for nothing....i am sorry but he needs some kind of wake up call....does any one else have any kind of advise? Thank you all for your time.

Anonymous said...

would look really "sorry".Eventually one night while clubbing he was jealous of his friend showing me attention I asked "Why do you care?". He said "I dont wish to hurt you" and I told him how I liked him for who he is then-TEARS were streaming down his face. I was shocked. He said he was touched by what I said. That night was the first time we had sex (5 months since first kiss). We started going out but he only contacts me once a week. We would watch a movie and after the movie I tried to suggest dinner but he would make up an excuse and go homE.. I treated him coldly for a month. He then asked me "Why has your attitude changed?". Me:"You like playing games and manipulating people, I am sick of it". Him: "I might do that sometimes but not to the extent that makes me a bad person". a week later at a party he started kissing me and then stopped halfway.then he asked me to a side saying"I have never been in love, during my past relationships I have only liked them but not loved any girl. I feel really comfortable with you,how do you feel when you're with me? We can give it a try…" I agreed. we had sex that night&next day we went church together and I asked him if he meant what he said and he said he still remembers everything and was shocked I did not believe him-and hugged me. The next weekend we went on a nice date whereby he was sweet and caring. The next wkend I fell ill but he didn't care and took 2 days to reply my text (I found out he was playing board games with his guy friends).I let it slide and he invited me to have dinner with his colleagues - he introduced me to everyone,we were holding hands but he would let go when his colleague was looking at us. One day he calls to say he will swing by to see me, I did not hear from him until at night I called him he texted me saying he was smoking &watching a movie with his guy friends (I confirmed this to be the truth).he tried contacting me the next day I replied saying how I waited in vain for him-he called me and said he was sorry and wants to make it up to me. I said we can stop this- but he insisted on making it up. He tried contacting me but I took hours to reply and said we could meet for dinner instead. Hhe said e would come after football and smoking(he was doing whatever suited him best) Eventually he came that night in the rain with food and saying he would spend more time with me and not hurt me anymore. We had sex& he was still really worried about how I felt and kept asking if I am angry at him. The next week he would try to talk to me.during the weekend he said he was going clubbing with his guy friends-he suggested we meet the next day. I said okay have fun on your night out. Next day I did not hear from him until the evening saying he is feeling lethargic and busy with his dad's birthday,he said "Let's do something next week for sure". By this time I was fed up with his "flakey" behaviour and replied saying I do not wish to see him again. He texted me an essay saying how things can improve between us- I said I want to leave him before he hurts me further. After 3 months, he came back-asking me if I wanted to go church with him-I said I am not sure and did not reply afterwards. All his friends kept said he likes me but is too much of a coward to invest. e is a heavy weed smoker which weakens his willpower-he is often insecure &overly dependent on weed (3 times a week) What are your thoughts please?

Anonymous said...

This guy and I were friends for 2months and his friends say he likes me. One night we kissed. Then He tried games to sleep with me for 3 months to which I would said no everytime. One evening we started opening up about our lives-he asked me if my ex was still in touch with me (I said no he wasn't and he was happy about that). throughout our conversation he found out I am really not an easy girl as I have only slept with 1person in my life thus far. He stopped asking me to have sex with him and we fell asleep. We did not speak for a month and when he saw me he would look really "sorry".Eventually one night while clubbing he was jealous of his friend showing me attention I asked "Why do you care?". He said "I dont wish to hurt you" and I told him I like him for who he is-TEARS were streaming down his face. I was shocked. He said he was touched by what I said. That night was the first time we had sex (5 months since first kiss). We started going out but he only contacts me once a week. We would watch a movie& after the movie I tried to suggest dinner but he would make up an excuse and go homE.. I treated him coldly for a month. He then asked me "Why has your attitude changed?". Me:"You like playing games and manipulating people, I am sick of it". Him: "I might do that but not to the extent that makes me a bad person". a week later at a party he kissed me and stopped halfway.then he asked me to a side saying"I have never been in love, during my past relationships I have only liked them but not loved any girl. I feel really comfortable with you,how do you feel when you're with me? We can give it a try" I agreed. we had sex that night&next day we went church together and I asked him if he meant what he said and he said he still remembers everything and was shocked I did not believe him-and hugged me. The next weekend we went on a nice date whereby he was sweet and caring. The next wkend I fell ill but he didn't care and took 2 days to reply my text (I found out he was playing board games with his guy friends).I let it slide and he invited me to have dinner with his colleagues - he introduced me to everyone,we were holding hands but he would let go when his colleague was looking at us. One day he calls to say he will swing by to see me, I did not hear from him until at night I called him he texted saying he was smoking &watching a movie with his guy friends (I confirmed this to be the truth).he tried contacting me the next day I replied saying how I waited in vain for him-he called me and said he was sorry and wants to make it up to me. I said we can stop this- but he insisted on making it up. He tried contacting me but I took hours to reply and said we could meet for dinner instead. Hhe said e would come after football and smoking(he was doing whatever suited him best) Eventually he came that night in the rain with food and saying he would spend more time with me and not hurt me anymore. We had sex& he was still really worried about how I felt and kept asking if I am angry at him. The next week he would try to talk to me.during the weekend he said he was going clubbing with his guy friends-he suggested we meet the next day. I said okay have fun on your night out. Next day I did not hear from him until the evening saying he is feeling lethargic and busy with his dad's birthday,he said "Let's do something next week for sure". By this time I was fed up with his "flakey" behaviour and replied saying I do not wish to see him again. He texted me an essay saying how things can improve between us- I said I want to leave him before he hurts me further. After 3 months, he came back-asking me if I wanted to go church with him-I said I am not sure and did not reply afterwards. All his friends kept said he likes me but is too much of a coward to invest. e is a heavy weed smoker which weakens his willpower-he is often insecure &overly dependent on weed (3 times a week) What are your thoughts please?

Anonymous said...

I ran into my ex at a company I didn't even reacize him he look different.to me.we end up having sex three months ago.he disappear.I stop calling.I'm older then him 11yrs older.now he suffering now cause I don't fuck wit him no more I demand respect.hes kissing my ass now.I'm old school

Anonymous said...

Well my ex broke up with me about a month ago. I will spare all the details…but lets just say we lived together and we were fighting a lot..had an abortion incident, he started acting shady and the sex went down. He finally broke up with me and told me that I made him realize that he is not meant for relationships, that he needs to be single..blah blah.

This has been going on for 3 years. On and off, always a new excuse and he’s always breaking up with me and me always looking for him..so we get back together.

I was actually out with my gfs last Friday and to my surprise I spot my ex with 4 girls standing in line to get into a bar. I kept my cool and kept walking. Some short, thick, ok looking girl was in front of him and he kinda held her waist. I ignored it and went on to the next bar.

I thought I wouldn’t see him again, BUT, on my way to the car he passes right passed me and that girl is holding on to him, I think they were holding hands, not sure. But she was nothing amazing to look at!! WTF. So I didn’t say anything until 2 days after. I confronted him in text:

me: It was refreshing to see how quickly you move to ANYTHING. like I said not even a month…Its like you already had this girl. What we had was a lie and you threw everything away.

Him:I’m glad that it was refreshing to you…I wasn’t trying to accomplish anything but please no more…if you text me don’t let it be for this.

Him: what we had was not a lie & it isn’t. I didn’t throw it away for anybody, it cant be replaced so stop.

I mean seriously he doesn’t even seem like he’s panicking or cares that I seen him! WTF do those texts even mean??? I hate him.

Prior to these texts he had the nerve to text me that there isn’t a day that he doesn’t think of me or having kept the baby. But he puts no effort in reaching out to me

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 26, 4:14 PM,
"he’s always breaking up with me and me always looking for him"

NEVER chase a man dear, EVER. You completely give away your power and men interpret that as "desperate" - as if you have no other options in men available to you. Don't ever give a man that impression about yourself.

"But she was nothing amazing to look at!! WTF."

Regardless of what men lead women to believe, it's never about looks - it's always about the "feelings" that the woman elicits in the man:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/04/dating-tips-persuasion-influence.html

"I confronted him in text"

Again, never give away your power like that. Never let a man know that he's gotten to you and never be confrontational in those situations because your reaction only reassures him that you care. Because if you didn't care, you wouldn't be upset. So all you're doing there is reassuring him that he's got control over you.

"he doesn’t even seem like he’s panicking or cares that I seen him! WTF do those texts even mean???"

That's because he doesn't care sweetie :-( He's told you that it's over, which is why you need to stop chasing him and confronting him and showing him that you care and that there's no other man in your life. He's interpreting all of this behavior from you as "desperate" and it's diminishing his attraction for you.

What would be much more attractive to him is if you didn't react in a negative way at all, stood strong and moved on from him and began dating other men. That would make HIM think about YOU:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/12/ex-boyfriend-new-girlfriend-what-to-do.html

"But he puts no effort in reaching out to me"

He doesn't have to dear - because YOU are doing all of the reaching out FOR HIM. How can he miss you when you keep yourself on his radar like that? He will not miss you or think of you or have regrets or a desire to reconcile until you disappear, reject him and begin dating other men:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

Anonymous said...

You give wonderful advice. I have been with my bf for about two years now. He came off as the very nice,polite guy. Low key, and i never expected he was the player type. One day i looked through his phone and found texts to and from other women.it seems he is always on the prowl getting phone numbers. Now he keeps his phone locked and out of sight.he actually took another woman out to eat!
I know I deserve better but it is so hard when you love someone. Thank you for this blog.

Anonymous said...

Mirror I so hope you can help me! I'm going crazy!

I met this guy last year, we stayed in touch for months via text. We discussed meeting up a couple of times but it never worked out. Rather than standing me up, he just bailed on the idea. Then he disappeared for months! Got back in touch and the texting and consideration for meeting up happened all over again (but less frequently).

Then this weekend we finally see each-other! I was out with friends and so was he and came to the bar I was in.

The thing is, the day before a friend of mine told me she met someone who knows him (this was of interest as I have no mutual friends with him). This girl had said that he was a player and did drugs. So I had text him soon after hearing this (maybe to scare him who knows) to let him know I had heard some things about him but when he asked I wouldn't say what they were.

However, when we saw each-other in this bar and he asked, fuelled by a few too many tequilas...I told him. He was pretty defensive and he said "I'll be back in a minute" and it turns out he left.

I was furious and we ended the night with a 2 hour text rant. Me acknowledging he had left, him saying he did so because he felt I had already made an opinion of him that he couldn't change. That I'd made him feel like shit. I replied by saying how was that true when I'd stayed in touch all this time and he said things such as I really liked you, was looking forward to get to know you but you decided to listen to someone else's opinion rather than figure it out yourself. He acknowledged he'd been rubbish at meeting up but said he had his reason. The conversation ended less aggressive both of us sort of pining for what could have been.

In the morning, reading things through I realised I had been quite harsh with my words so I've since apologised. I'm taking all the blame saying I hope he didn't think I was judging him or accusing him anyway he's not replied and I'm riddled with guilt.

So my question is...how do I work out whether I should feel guilty? In my opinion one of two things has happened. 1. He is genuinely upset that someone had that opinion of him and I've offended him thus he doesn't want to reply OR 2. he is actually just a player and he's using this as an excuse to make his exit.

How do I know? What do you think?

Anonymous said...

Hi, I am so glad that I can ask for advice from you because I feel heartbroken at the minute! I met a guy online and we have now been on seven dates and stayed away for a weekend. he still lives at home (he is 31) and I have stayed there four times and sat downstairs chatting to his mum and she refers to us as a couple! I asked this guy what was going on between us and we agreed to 'see each other' but not date or text other people. we said we wouldn't go back on the dating website as we are now seeing each other. this guy only texts me late at night (after 10pm) and he never arranges beforehand when to see me. My friend suggested that we set up a fake onine profile so we did and the picture of the girl was stunning. I didn't think this guy I was seeing would reply to this fake girls profile but he did and asked her questions meaning he obviously wants a response. the same night he messages this fake girls profile, he had rung me at 11pm and asked to see me either Friday or Saturday depending on when his mates are out. please help me as I am heartbroken and I thought this guy was kind of my partner (boyfriend). why did he message the girl? why does he only text late at night? Is he using me? he does take me out for dinner and cinema etc...not always sex! Please help me as I feel lost and no one to talk to about it because I am embarrassed as my family think he is now my boyfriend and my friends think it is going well. what should I do? xxxx

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 30, 9:54 PM,
Well sweetie, you've been lied to :-(

The question is not "why did he message this girl" and "why does he only text late at night" or "is he using me?"

The question is - what are YOU going to DO about it?

Who cares why, that doesn't matter. All that matters are the facts. And the fact is:

1) He lied to you
2) He's communicating with other women on that dating site
3) He hasn't brought down his profile there or deactivated it
4) He has misled you (to believe you're exclusive)

Those are the facts. And based on those facts and his behavior here, he's most likely doing the same thing with other women as well.

He's got to go dear :-(

He's shown, through his character as a man, that he's not trustworthy, that he lies easily and that he's not a man of his word. You can't "fix" that. Nothing you do can make him interested and/or want to be with you. Do not pound your head against the wall thinking that another "talk" is going to fix this and do not attempt to hang in there and give him the benefit of the doubt.

If you do that, you're going to walk right into a situation where this man will have a very high likelihood of betraying you - and hurting you - and it's all going to happen because you hung in there. If you walk now, you avoid getting hurt even more than you've already been hurt.

You can't fix guys like this, they are who they are. And unfortunately, this one's a liar. And if you "talk" to him about it, he's only going to feed you more lies to save his ass here so he can have his cake and eat it too.

He's not worth it dear. He's already proved what he's like as a man, he's already proved that his character is lacking - he's already failed you.

Time to move on sweetie :-(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 30, 7:59 AM,
Well, in cases such as this dear, you have to look at previous behavior to help measure a decision. And his previous behavior and actions actually fall in line with that of "a player" - "Rather than standing me up, he just bailed on the idea. Then he disappeared for months!"

Had there been more positive behavior in the past from him, then it'd be easier to lean towards giving him the benefit of the doubt here. But based on his previous actions and behavior with you, he's acted more like a flaky player in the past than a genuinely interested gentleman.

And based on prior behavior and his reaction here, it appears he's attempting to manipulate you by making you feel guilty - another one of the players frequently used tactics.

Add to that the fact that you DID apologize and attempt to give him the benefit of the doubt here - and instead of acting maturely about it and addressing it with you in open conversation - he, yet again, disappeared instead. Another "player" indication - bolting like lightening instead of working things out.

So add this all up dear:

1) Inability to commit to a meeting early on in the dating phase.

2) A months long "disappearing act."

3) A "reappearance" that did not include a proper date invitation to make amends (as a gentleman would do) but instead, included a "meet you at the bar" situation - where he once again ultimately bailed instead of maturely handling the situation.

4) A refusal to accept and/or entertain an apology from you accompanied by a mature, open conversation about the matter.

5) Yet another disappearance.

When you step back and look at the big picture here dear - I don't see much of anything positive that indicates that he deserves the benefit of the doubt here :-(

If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck - chances are - it's a duck.

Anonymous said...

Next time Girls/Women, try to find a man who has substance and not just looks. This will help you avoid the Players, and have a decent love life. There are men of substance who are exciting, too. Even though the majority of women I dated were beautiful with substance, I would date an unattractive woman if she was brilliant, athletic, funny or hopefully both. Beautiful women with average or low IQ are unreliable and poor long-term mates, as they are typically emotionally immature and less reliable. These women usually seek good looking guys first and then whine when they are cheated on -told you.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

This man above makes some very good points ladies. And I firmly believe that the better looking individuals in life, male and female (not all, but many) tend to rely too much on their looks and, as a result, do not work on their social skills, maturity level and personality. They're banking 100% on their looks alone - and many times, you end up with a pretty face, an empty brain and tons of drama (because we all know how much people who lack in other areas of life tend to make up for it by filling the void with drama, drama, drama).

Give the good guys a chance, ladies. Give the "geeks" and the "nerds" of the world a chance, give the average guys a chance and give the nice guys a chance - those are the ones that make for good mates. The pretty boys, macho men and arrogant punks of the world are just another pretty face in the end.

And it's always all about them - and never you.

Looks fade, personalities don't. And when you're old and gray, stuck sitting on the sofa staring at each other with your walkers by your side - you at least want to be able to converse and enjoy the company of your mate.

If the looks fade and there's an empty, hollow shell that remains - you're not going to be happy years later with this individual.

Anonymous said...

I'd like to add to Mirror's May 31 at 5 11 post. Just don't base ANYTHING on looks. Sometimes the best looking men are NOT the players because they have nothing to prove whereas the nerdier type has insecurities and does have to be a player because of it. Let the person SHOW you who they are regardless of looks (don't judge a book by it's cover) and treat them accordingly.

Anonymous said...

I was married 26 years and been divorced now for 5. I am just starting to date. It scares me what is out there. I am worried that I could be dating a player so appreciate the advice I have read here. Is it me and not trusting, my ex accused me of things I didn't do and found he was dating while we were separated. Does this make me not trusting. Thank you

Anonymous said...

Mirror I wrote the message on May 30th, 7.59pm.

First thanks for your response. I guess a part of me suspected the conclusion you came to. But here's the thing...I still haven't heard back since my apology and in fact (hangs head in shame) I may have reached out again...at 1am in the morning asking if we could chat.

Now he's just deleted me from Facebook which just shows me he has no intention of getting in touch or wanting to stay in touch.

How can I feel anything but s**t. Not only does this mean there's no possible hope of a reconciliation, I feel like I should never have given him a second chance after he disappeared the first time.

So, I'm guessing I'll never hear from him again but how do I deal with the rejection? Because I feel rubbish. :(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
"I may have reached out again...at 1am in the morning asking if we could chat."

Well dear, you've learned a valuable lesson here. This is the precise reason that I suggest that women NOT PURSUE MEN. When you do that, you immediately place yourself in a position of vulnerability and one where you can be hurt. Why do that to yourself? If a man wants you, he knows where to find you - and he WILL seek you out. So as a woman, it's always best to let that happen as it's the only real way a woman can know whether or not a man is genuinely interested - to see if HE pursues HER.

Because when women pursue, basically they're attempting to convince a man to be with them. And that never works. And you should never have to convince someone that you're a great person. If they don't already see that and value it as such, then you simply let that be their loss.

"I feel like I should never have given him a second chance after he disappeared the first time."

I'll be honest, I don't really believe in second chances for disappearing men. But I also know that many women refuse to accept non-interest from a man, particularly when he was interested enough to sleep with her once or twice, and as such, they are in denial of the man's non-interest and then willingly place themselves in positions to be used yet again by the man, only for him to disappear a second time.

The best indicator of someone's future behavior is observation of their PAST behavior.

As for dealing with the rejection, you have to cease feeling like a victim and you have to accept the fact that you walked right into this - and you have to walk through the pain, the fire. Sounds harsh, I know. But once you accept that dear, you will NEVER let that happen ever again:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

Anonymous said...

I met a guy online we went out on a coffee date this was followed up with another date. He than asked me to go away with him for a night. We spent two great days and one night together and when we went to breakfast he spoke about as becoming exclusive. Like some of the others on here I had set up a false profile. A few days before going away with him he had mad a contact though had never spoke. On the last day of the time spent away he left and I went online that night of which he than started a conversation and gave his phone number to the false profile. I confronted him and told him that this was a girlfriend of mine and we quite often exchange notes on who we were talking too and that I was devastated as we had only discussed that morning about taking our profiles off in the near future. He said what he did was wrong...we finished the conversation and I text him and for four days he would not answer my texts of which were over the weekend. He finally rang me on the Sunday night. He text me all week and rang me every day. The weekend comes again and he told me he was busy with family problems. He was going to call me later that day of which was a Friday and he didn't. I sent a text to him a couple of hours ago just asking how his weekend is going and I have got no reply. Probably all up I have known him for 4 weekends and not once was he available. I think he has someone in the back ground or is a player. Am I correct? I feel like a fool as I should have let it go the first time...I am not going to answer if he trys to communicate now....why do guys have to do this what to they get out of it??

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
"why do guys have to do this what to they get out of it??"

They get free sex dear, that's why they do it :-(

And in order to get it, they'll spoon feed a woman exactly what they think she wants to hear so that they can keep the free sex coming, "he spoke about as becoming exclusive."

Which is why filtering men first is so very necessary - to protect yourself.

Anonymous said...

Been dating this guy for 2 months..He was consistantly-- texting--- and calling-I spent the weekend with him -we had to cut it short because his mom hurt herself --- so we both come home -- we live within 50 miles of each other and now -- he has called 1 time in the last 4 days and sent a text with his picture and a Waylon Jennings song "Good hearted woman in love with a good timing man" and has now been sending me songs to my email...Not sure what the heck to think about that...After the 3 songs this morning I tried to called-it kicked into VM..sent a text to please give me a call and decided to call back and LM...it sounds like his phone is off.....Have I fell into the hands of a player? I'm totally frustrated

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous July 10, 10:46AM,
I believe you have dear and I believe that first song he sent you had that message in it - you need to read between the lines of what he was saying there:

"Good hearted woman" in love with a. . .

"Good timing man"

You do know what a "good time guy" is right?

It's a player - a womanizer.

Proceed with caution dear. . .

Anonymous said...

My BF wants to get married, but I found a messgae on his face book to another woman that read,

BF - Mamita, I found you!!
Mamita - Hi Honey, how are you?
BF - I hope you had a wonderful weekend. I haven't forgotten you!As a matter of fact I was just thinking of YOU!;And what I'm going to do to YOU when I see YOU! Can YOU guess what it may be!!???
Mamita - Hi Baby
BF - Muahhhhhh XOXOX

This is definetly proof he has other agendas, What do you think? Time to dump the playa?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous July 11, 2:36PM,
Yep - time to move on dear. Time to - WALK:

http://youtu.be/AkFqg5wAuFk

Confused!! said...

I have a question...or a bit of a scenario!!
I am a female and I am the cheater. Ive been cheated on many times withmy current bf and cant find it in me to breakit off, so Ive just been enjoing life just as much as he has, lets say. Anyway, I cheated with a HOE. LOL. This guy knew everything to say, do …and Im so infatuated with the thought of him. He has done this before, and dated other women after stealing them away….I told him he doesn’t need to lie to make things sound nice, im involved and would like us to be what we are and that’s it. My mind is spinning. Could this work? If I was to fall for him, could we have something real?

Anonymous said...

I am 30 so I have had a lot of experience with dating. This is really well written! Nice job on this article, I totally agree.

Anonymous said...

lol sounds like a pretty lousy "player" anyway who would do this stuff..... pretty sure they have their shit covered well enough not leave so many areas of their game open to scrutiny in the first place....... whole post sounds like it was written by someone who, well, needs a good hard fuck.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@The Ladies,
I published the comment above on purpose gals. So that you can see, first hand, the immaturity and utter lack of respect that these sorry ass excuses for men have for women.

He thinks he's smart - not smart enough to do the right thing - but smart enough to NOT GET CAUGHT.

"leave so many areas of their game open to scrutiny in the first place"

He's insulting the intelligence of women here - assuming that you have to "leave your game open" in order to be scrutinized, LOL. Like women aren't smart enough to see these overcompensating macho idiots and their high school tricks without some sort of "opening" to do so first. . sigh.

"they have their shit covered well enough"

It doesn't matter how well you cover a turd - even if you can't see it - you can still smell shit. And most times, the first thing that gies these idiots away isn't what is seen, it's what is smelled (sensed) - a big pile of shit.

"sounds like it was written by someone who, well, needs a good hard fuck"

Such poetic and original words, this guy must be a real genius, LOL. And he totally gives himself away here as a pick up artist, player type in that:

1) His answer to everything is sex (which I imagine he stinks at as well).

2) The vulgarity used in the comment signals overall lack of respect for women.

3) The immaturity and lack of real insight in his comment signals that his emotional age (not physical age) is that of a man approximately 17-24 years of age.

4) His vulgar hit below the belt, immediate resort to nastiness and lack of any real insightful commenting signal insecurity.

5) His assumptions about players (himself) "pretty sure they have their shit covered well enough not leave so many areas of their game open to scrutiny in the first place" signal that he feels superior to others and women and that his ego is out of check and that his perception of himself is really off base.

As for this "needs a good hard fuck" - notice the vulgarity he spews regarding such an intimate act? It's not special to him, it never is to a player. Players are generally not very complex, "deep" individuals. They are generally very shallow instead and emotionally "cut off" and detached from their emotions, as you can see, and intimacy is one of their biggest fears (insecurity).

As such they view things on a very shallow, very primative, very primal level - much like a caveman, "Me man, have needs, want sex, ugg ugg."

They're not deep ladies. And they don't make for good lovers, boyfriends or husbands as a result. Hell, they don't even make for good boy toys either as it's all about them and you - yea, most times, they could replace you with say. .a goat or a sheep - and achieve the same results, LOL ;-)

To a player, you're not a human being - you're an object, a means to an end. They won't respect you, they won't connect with you, and they won't ever be able to make you happy.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the article. I too was hurt by a so called player, only it was my first love from over 25 years ago. All the signs were there and even though I felt it in my gut, I just didn't want to believe he would do that to me. We reconnected on Facebook. I won't bore you with details but what ended it after putting up with his games was his lack of respect when he kept getting me to converse with him on Facebook chat and leave me hanging in the middle of the conversation. I kept telling him that was rude & disrespectful & his response was always " don't take it personally" then give me lame ass excuses as to why he walked away ( like getting a fortune cookie). When he wouldn't stop, I ended it but was crushed my first love would do that to me.

Anonymous said...

There was a guy i was interested in for the last 7 months in the armed forces who has been playing games. Although it was an internet thing so i never met him. He would drop in and out of contact when it suited him about meeting up and then when it got closer to the day he would disappear or be busy. Some Facebook detective work has showed he has been dating a beauty pagent queen which is a bit gutting since i have fair skin and dark hair. I decided to delete and block him as i didnt need the sadness and stress. Out of sight of mind right?

I guess i tolerated it as i was flattered someone so good looking would show me interest. Feel a bit exhausted now from all his games when i was so honest. Although i try to remember my friends advice that ive probably had a lucky escape and probably made him into some knight in shining armour he wasnt. X

Anonymous said...

The best tip or hope I could give....re players and, or `separated/not quite ever divorced` `men` would be this...try to find a guy who has NO access to either the Internet or a mobile phone..But, Even then, if you found such an `amazing` guy...you would have a job keeping him safe from other women. Trust no one. Life=Heartbreak...most of the time, imo. :(

Anonymous said...

Ok i met this guy and the first time. i met him and hung out all we did was talk and listen to music and flirted with me. The second time we hung out and went to see a movie i paid. He said he would pay me back when he got paid. never saw my money from it. then mentiob how he had a good night before he left. Then he set up us a date to go out. But at the last min canceled bt asked if i could go to his place and still hang out. but when i said yes he never replied back untill that next day. so we went out on another date and he left early. We just talked on txt for a few days then he asked me to come ovee his place again and i said i couldn't because of how he didn't reply the first time he asked.so he called me even more and i finally answered him back the next day. so i go to his house and hang out. i thought we had a really good time. then asks me to message him so ido it takes him two days later to reply. And we didn't have sex. and then he says hell message me later and three days later still no message. i NEED HELP WITH THIS

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous August 30, 2:54AM,
Well dear, you're making yourself too available to him and signaling that you're willing to settle for less than you deserve (paying for dates and making yourself available for his lame date offers from him that require no investment from him) - and it's leading quickly into "taken for granted" territory unfortunately :-( And he feels entitled to yank your chains now because of it.

In the early stages of dating, I don't advocate accepting lazy date offers (house hang outs that have a propensity to lead to fee and easy "hookups" for these guys). The early days are when both parties should be impressing one another and displaying what they have to offer each other, and not just financially. When a man dates a woman and takes her to nice places and shows her a good time, what he's really signaling to her is, "I like you, I respect you, I want to treat you special like a lady and make you feel nice and I am WILLING to show you that." A man that isn't WILLING to impress you in the early stages - isn't going to suddenly decide to do that later, when you've already settled for less than that before, ya' know?

If someone gives you the milk (their time) for free, that individual on the receiving end getting free milk - is not going to suddenly feel inspired to purchase the cow (make an investment, both financially and emotionally.) As human nature would have it, the more likely scenario is, once they've received free milk for an extended period of time - they're going to begin "expecting" free steaks as well - and they're NEVER going to purchase that cow. Instead, the cow turns into a "cash cow." And in business, the definition of a cash cow is:

"a product [your time] that generates unusually high profit margins [possibly sexual favors]. . .This profit far exceeds the amount necessary to maintain the business"

The cow becomes a "cash cow" that generates unusually high profits (free stuff, possibly sex and your time) that far outweighs the investment (zero from him) necessary to maintain the continuance of receiving free stuff (your time, possibly sexual favors, etc.)

The reality here is that this guy is making zero investment in you dear, yet - he still receives those high profit margins of your time and possibly sexual favors. In life, nothing is for free dear - particularly YOU as an individual - NEVER give yourself or your time and attention away for free. Because your time is valuable, you are valuable, your attention is valuable. If you give yourself (your time) away for free, no one is going to "invest" in it (you) later - and you're going to quickly become that "cash cow" - get what I'm saying here?

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

My suggestion is, take your good old time responding to this one. Mirror him, if he takes a day, you take a day, etc. If he stands you up, you're not available to him for at least a week after that (if at all). And NO MORE hanging out at his place and permitting him to be LAZY about dating you. Cease that immediately and cease accepting his lame date offers. If he offers a lame date, you're busy (even if you're not) and you refuse. And then, you offer another date that you're available (3 days later) and you make a suggestion that signals to him how you expect to be treated. You say, "Oh gee, I can't, I've already made plans. But I am available on Saturday. Maybe we could meet at the outdoor market [or along the shore, or at a park, or for a cup of coffee] or go to dinner if you'd like. I really like that."

And if he balks at that - then he's signaling to you that he's a lazy player that's seeking free and easy situations (hookups) with little investment and effort on his part. And those are men that you do NOT want to date dear. Those are "good time guys," - but they are not husbands, lovers or boyfriend material.

If he doesn't have money to take you on a date, then he needs to become resourceful and plan a picnic or a walk in the park followed by a $2 ice cream cone afterward. He needs to make some sort of INVESTMENT here, some sort of effort - because right now, he's offering you practically nothing at all - but yet he's asking you for your time and attention and availability to him. And if he doesn't make some sort of effort or investment on some level, then he's signaling to you that he's not WILLING to - and that's when you walk - and find a man that's going to treat you well, care for you, respect you and aim to impress you, at least in the early stages.

Because lets face it, the early stages are when everyone should be putting their best foot forward. And these lazy losers and chumps out there - are NOT putting their best foot forward and therefore, should NOT be winning your attention as a result.

Mila Ortiz said...

haha yep i just dated 'that'. it's pathetic really. he was so insecure that he had to be texting 100 women at the same time he was dating me. phone ALWAYS on vibrate. Never answered it in front of me. ("well i just dont want to be doing "other things" when I'm with you baby"...puh leez!) weird thing. none of them were local so i know it was just an ego feed. that being said he told them all he was single. ding ding ding. later loser.

Anonymous said...

I am a married, separated woman of three months who started seeing an ex-bf. Five years ago; we dated about a year; I broke up with him because he would not commit to me. I married; but he never married; he dated several women; one special lady of whom he claimed was suppose to be his future wife; but he denied wanting to get married for several reasons. He has been divorced over 15 yrs. I have been seeing him for about two months secretly; going to his home after midnight/out-of-town making "booty calls"; sadly to say. He confided that he had been a "bad boy"; but wanted to change. I felt that this meant he was willing to commit to one person..ME! He also told me once that he loved me and I believed that he did. But to my dismay; deja vu once again; MIA, not responding to calls nor texts, excuses one after another of why we could not get together..etc. A few weeks after a hot night of passion; we had a pillow talk; he explained that he was ill and needed to have surgery and wanted to know if I would be there for him to "Keep IT up!" if he had the surgery. I agreed; went to outpatient surgery against my better judgement to find out that his main lady came in the front door with him. I always felt that he was not quite being truthful. Because I am a married woman going through a divorce; I thought he was protecting me and himself by keeping our relationship on the "downlow". The woman inquired who I was, showed pics of him & her on different occasions! It took all I could to keep my composure; I was shocked that he allowed me to come there when he knew his gf was going to be there too!! Somehow, I think she kinda knew who I was; but he probably told her some cocky mania story that I was his "friend". I never told her the whole truth for fear of exposing our fling. Anyway, my bad; I have been played. He showed me all the signs, red flags went up like the 4th of July, but I just couldn't see the forest for the trees. I did have enough self-esteem to leave him alone; but it hurts like the dickens. He has called me twice to redeem himself. I think just to keep me hanging on when he recovers from his surgery.. I wanted to say "I hope your pecker don't work anymore!"; but I won't stoop to his level; I will not allow myself to be emotionally abused by this man nor any another man. This has taught me a valuable lesson in life..thank you my dear "Player Player!'

Anonymous said...

you gotta understand one thing ladies every player has a beautiful love story behind him where some girl broke his heart or messed him up. iam a player and i learned my games from my women. what you dont realize is you woman are always playing games with men weather you realise it or not which drives us crazy because we are always straight forward . we dont know how to manipulate a girl to like us or play games with until some girl teaches us that. when we are heartbroken we do the same thing with other girls. so before complaining realize what you are doing with guys then complain about players.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Male,
Thank you for sharing my friend. I mean no disrespect here, but I did notice that a couple statements in your comment sound a bit emotionally immature as they are very broad, general assessments that do not and will not apply to every single female on the planet. Making statements like that about women are like women claiming that all men are players - which is simply NOT true - and also not a fair assumption. Additionally, claiming that all players do what they do because a woman broke their heart, again seems a bit of an immature assumption to me. Many players have personality disorders and things like ego issues and insecurity that drive their behavior. To assume that every single man that does this is one who had his heart broken by a woman, again, a tad immature to assume.

"every player has a beautiful love story behind him where some girl broke his heart or messed him up"

That's simply not true. Things like narcissistic personality disorder, insecurities, social disorders like sociopathy, ego issues - these are all viable contributing factors to that type of behavior in both men and women.

"you woman are always playing games with men"

That's not true and honestly, it sounds very bitter. That's like women claiming that all men always play games, which is equally untrue. Gentlemen DO exist and confident men feel no need to play such games. They don't feel the need to manipulate to win a woman's affections because they're confident that their leadership qualities and provider capabilities and personality and special ways are enough to attract women to them. Folks who play games, men and women both, generally have very deeply rooted issues of insecurity that drives that type of behavior. Being insecure or feeling "less" somehow causes people to overcompensate and overcompensating causes manipulation and/or self-defeating behavior in people.

"we are always straight forward"

No disrespect - but are you kidding with this one, LOL?

No. Not every single man on the planet is straightforward. Not every single human being on this planet is a cookie cutter display where everyone is the same. We're all unique and as a result, not every single individual on the planet fits under one single label like that.

"we dont know how to manipulate a girl to like us or play games with until some girl teaches us that"

Again, it's clear that you've been hurt and that that pain has caused you to feel insecure about yourself and feeling insecure about yourself is what causes you to play games. It's not women that cause you to play games - it's the insecurities that result from the pain of rejection that cause this behavior. And both men and women suffer rejection every single day my friend - but not every single person on the planet COPES with the rejection by turning around and hurting others and/or letting their insecurities dictate how they treat others.

"when we are heartbroken we do the same thing with other girls"

That's a very immature statement to make. Because someone once hurt you, you now feel entitled to go around punishing others that did NOT cause you that pain? That is not how life works my friend. There is such a thing as karma - what you put out there comes back to you, three fold. So if you put negativity out into the world, then all you can ever expect to receive back is more negativity. And if you treat others poorly, then all you can expect to receive back from those actions is being treated poorly yourself in return.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"realize what you are doing with guys"

Might I suggest that you work on developing self-awareness and realize yourself what YOU are doing to OTHERS?

Not all men are players and not all women play games. We are each unique and we do not slip easily under one label as a result. Just as there are male game players and gentlemen - there are also female game players and good women. As a result, it's not fair to lump everyone from a particular gender under one label and it's immature to think that people are all the same like that and that it's okay to hurt and punish others for the pain that someone entirely different caused you several years or months back.

We ALL experience pain, rejection, hurt and suffering at the hands of others - both men and women. But many of us have the proper coping skills in place to deal with the ups and down that life will always throw at you without childishly enacting our revenge on everyone because we were hurt once. Sounds to me like instead of developing a sense of self-awareness and using coping skills to properly process your emotional pain and baggage - you are avoiding developing those skills and instead - taking the easy, childish way out - by feeling entitled to hurt others because someone once hurt you.

That's no justification for hurting others. Be an adult, take responsibility for your actions, accept that people will always hurt you, disappoint you and let you down, develop the proper coping skills to deal with those ups and downs that life will always throw at you in a mature, healthy manner - and grow up.

Or - continue hurting others without cause and bringing pain back onto yourself as a result.

Choice is yours. . .it's called "free will."

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Male,
Do a little soul searching my friend:

http://youtu.be/jFgOSoKeGGQ

http://youtu.be/9vwHuCC6nP8

And pay close attention to the message. . .

pisces girl said...

i love how anonymous male is trying to justify why he treats women poorly-in case you havent heard an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind and its ridiculous of you to come on here justifying your actions-your exactly the type of man that women need to steer clear from! it seems like you have a lot of growing up to do! please read carefully what Mirror has written you really do have a lot of soul searching to do!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Regarding the justification of the self-proclaimed player above, here's an interesting bit about it:

His justification of his actions - in essence - actually justify the behavior of the woman who hurt him.

By claiming that he's justified to treat others poorly because he himself had been hurt. . .he's actually justified the behavior of the woman who hurt him because, according to his logic, the same justification then applies to her. Meaning, it then suddenly becomes okay for her to have hurt him because she, herself, had most likely been hurt prior to him by another man.

So all his behavior is really doing - is justifying the actions of the woman who hurt him.

By permitting himself a free pass to hurt others because he, himself, was once hurt - he has now granted the woman who hurt him - a free pass for her actions of hurting him (because one could assume she was once hurt prior to him).

He basically stooped to her level and in doing so - justified the pain she caused him.

He can now no longer point the finger and lay blame against her because chances are, she was hurt by a man prior to him - and that caused her to hurt him - which is now justified according to his logic.

Ladies, Watch out for men who claim "we are always straight forward" . . .and then in the next breath, state. . ."i am a player" and admit they play games. So are you playing it straight? Or are you playing games? There's a lot of conflicting, self-defeating behavior there.

Treating women like crap will NEVER make any of them love you for the long haul. No one wants to spend a significant amount of time around someone that makes them feel like crap and causes them pain.

Many people who behave like this are insecure and do so - so that THEY hurt the other before THE OTHER hurts them (their insecurity stems from their fear, which is rejection). And via the Law of Attraction, which states that "like attracts like," they attract equally insecure individuals to themselves, thus creating a viscious, negative, repetitive, painful dating lifestyle for themselves.

Folks, there ARE good people out there. Without a doubt, there ARE good men and women out there. You just have to filter, be very choosy, get comfortable with saying no - and find the one that's right for YOU. The one that is willing to fulfill your needs, care for you and treat your heart as something valuable and special.

At all costs, men and women both, steer clear of the one's that are "out to get you" [to get over on you] and use you, simply to prove to themselves that they can - so that they feel better about themselves.

pisces girl said...

VERY good points Mirror! makes complete sense and total eye-opener! Thank you!!

Anonymous said...

Interesting....I dated someone for 3 months....3 or 4 times a week, bringing me flowers/candy, little gifts...but never heard from him on weekends..which struck me as odd. When I questioned him about this towards the 3 month mark...got a lame excuse. Well, shortly after that conversation...poof! He disappeared. I sent one text msg after a week of silence...asking if all was well with him. No reply. Yes, it does a number on your head and took awhile for me to get over someone having the audacity to do something like this to me...nice, mellow person that I am!! Guess what? Exactly one year later....he texts me. I took days to respond...and pretty much blew him off..in a nice way! Six months later...he's back texting me again...I let it play out for a month...not responding much and when I did...not really saying much! After six weeks of this, he finally asked me out...on a weekend day, no less! I wanted to hear from him in person why he disappeared....so I agreed to go out on a date. His reason why he disappeared seemed far-fetched, yet still plausible. After reading up about these disappearing guys and players....I am seeing signs he is a player. So now I will leave him twisting in the wind...I am not interested in being a FWB or some kind of back up girl! Fool me once...shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me!

Anonymous said...

Anon @ Dec 2 @ 9:33
Maybe you should go out with him just to prove whether or not he really is telling the truth? Then, if he for some reason is (not lying), you won't have made him feel like crap... And, if he is lying and is just a player, you'll know by how he reacts and responds to you or not. If he's changed, maybe you could end up having a lasting relationship with him? :) Sometimes I think that guys just need a little guidance and consistency (which ultimates in the "much longed-for, secretly desired, outwardly-pretendedly loathed" Discipline) from girls... I mean, often we truly can help each other more than for what we give the others credit. <3
After reading this article and all the comments, I truly feel like a wiser person! Whew, I needed this! I am almost 30 and have not been on many dates at all - if indeed they were/are to be counted as such... (Long story short - I grew up home-schooled and really sheltered.) I am dealing with something (situation with a guy) that this article greatly helps. Thank you for writing Mirror! You're a genius, I think! :)

Lost.. said...

Dear Mirror,
I'm writing because I feel so lost and I am hurting. I met a man online 6 months ago, we met and we started off bad, argument on the first date. He is an arrogant, self centered.. charmer. We ended up going out again, but became physical. We kept texting on daily basis, maybe more like sexting. He would hardly call me or meet me in person. He said he was a very busy business person and works till very late. I'm also professional doing grad school too, so it was convenient at the time. For 3 months he went out of town for business, and I ended the relationship. He kept texting me and convinced (seduced..) me to continue. I knew in my mind, it was not going to be a serious relationships, but everyday I would get good morning texts, can't stop thinking about you, can't wait to see u, until the goodnight baby... Happy birthday..and so on
Eventually he came back in November, I really didn't want see him, to not get disappointed of getting attached. He was upset that I didn't act excited when he came back, I just wanted t take it slow. He wasn't really asking me out for dinner. We kept texting, I sent him lunch to his work, because of his long work hours. A week after he was back, and kept saying how much he wanted to see me, we met, he picked me up, and ended hanging out in his car (fancy :( ). After that night, he texted how much he loved seeing me and how much he liked me and kisses. I never heard from him again. A week later, I decided to go to his work, to make one of his fantasies he had told me come true. He had mentioned in the past that after a certain time nobody would be there (since he and his family own the place). I went in a coat with very sexy lingerie under, and brought a dessert, I texted him several times no answer, I rang the bell.. nothing, called.. nothing. As soon as I was pulling out of parking lot, I received an angry text that how dare I went to his office, that it wasn't our deal! what deal?? Anyway... very disappointing, and that was the last time he ever texted. I apologized.. for showing up unannounced I guess... no reply. sent cupcakes for thanksgiving..nothing. sent him lunch again to his work ..nothing..
I know he used me, I now it's humiliating, I know he and his family are not good people, and I am "supposedly a very smart and strong woman", so how come I can't get over him. I try to find closure. He always said he never had someone else, and as much as it showed the opposite.. I can't move on. I feel depressed..nauseous..anxious. I have never been like this before, I am the strong person, good girl, hard worker.. I have broken up with all my ex's, and they are all in good terms with me. Why am I hurting so much, and worse, can't stop texting him everyday, I guess seeking for answers..one that I might never get. The rejection and the way he has ignored me, has hurt me deeply.
So he is a player, charmer, very good looking, disappeared and reappeared .. maybe narcissist.. I just want to move on, but have not been successful. Have started the no contact.. forget how many times now :(
Any advice on how I can take him out of my heart, mind.. obsessed or addicted.. its affecting me so much. Really don't know what else to do, other than that, I have an amazing life.. and I am wasting it :(

Anonymous said...

I've been dating this guy for a little while now and everything is going okay, as it is I have to have a lot of faith and trust in him because it is a long distance relationship, he tells me he never wants to lose me and that I'm the only one he's ever opened up to and general things that make me feel special. But he spins wild stories about his dad ordering 7 of the newest mustangs, ferrari's and a whole lots of other cars. Besides the tall tales he has told my sister that he likes her but can't lose me.. And there is a very strange and confusing story between him and my best friend from before I knew him.. I don't know if he's a player as such but I'm confused.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 21, 1:08 PM,
You should be very cautious with this one dear. When something doesn't feel right and/or can't be explained, it's a big red flag. So proceed accordingly, or pull out completely.

nadia86 said...

In desperate need of advise...I met this guy on a trip to America, we only spoke for 10 minutes and I obviously didn't have a US number to exchange so just gave him my facebook details and that was it, thought I'd never see him again and didn't think into it. Anyway he added me on facebook and we started talking, then I gave him my Australian number and we began texting. Then came videos that we would send each other just asking how each others day was etc and facetiming. From such a short conversation we were now texting each other every day, as much as 40 times or more a day. He ended up booking himself a ticket and came over to see me for 3 weeks. He said before he got here that as soon as he lands that he is my boyfriend (I found it all a little strange to be honest, I am not one for rushing into things at all..I am some what emotionally detached I guess) but everything was great with us. On the last 3 days I was missing my space and grew a little distant from him and kind of was looking forward to him leaving, despite actually really liking him (I am a little odd like this). When he went back I just got this bad gut feeling. I found it weird that in 3 weeks of him being here he never posted a photo of me or mentioned me in any of his instagram photos and my friend who has twitter (as I don't) said that he never mentioned me on there either. I told him that I had a funny feeling about him and something wasn't right and that I can't be bothered with this and basically said "Thankyou for being a part of my life, all the best and take care" he sent me a reply, followed by another and again a third saying he didn't want to lose me. We kind of worked it out and he still constantly texts me with good morning msg's and texts throughout the day but yesterday I mentioned to him again about how It irks me that he never mentioned me on instagram or twitter. I am used to guys being proud of being with me and showing me off (it's what you are supposed to do when you are fond of someone and with them). I told him the only reason I could see someone not wanting to do that is because I am not the only one and gave him an ultimatum to either make me known or this is the end of the road for us. He said he completely understood where I was coming from and that he wasn't hiding me. Yet he hasn't put a photo up of us when he was here. I am not stressing at this point as it was only last night we had this discussion but I have given myself a time limit of 48 hours to see if he will put something up. In normal circumstance it wouldn't bother me that he didn't put a photo up. I have not put a photo of him on Instagram or Facebook either (Though I don't actually use them very much, I am kind of anti social networking, where as he is very much into social networking) , but I have this strange feeling in my stomach that I can't trust him. If it weren't for the feeling then there wouldn't be any issues. I hear from him constantly, I am in another country so its not like he is using me for sex, He has sent me videos when he is with his mates and they jump in the video to say hi to me, he travelled across the world to see me, we are planning to go to Mexico with his best friend and his best friends girl. He has told me that we need to figure out at some point who is going to move because we can't do this long distance thing forever etc etc so he talks and behaves like he is committed but then there's that funny feeling and It's like I know he is serious about me but how do I know there aren't other woman he has on the side to occupy himself with whilst I'm not there...I don't want to be number one, I want to be the only one! I don't know if its just me thinking into it too much because of the situation or if I have a player on my hands. Can someone please shed some light. Thanks :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Nadia86,
"as soon as he lands that he is my boyfriend (I found it all a little strange to be honest, I am not one for rushing into things at all..I am some what emotionally detached I guess)"

You're not detached dear - that is odd and it should raise a red flag. It smells like a man telling a woman what he THINKS she wants to hear (to make getting sex from her easier on himself). Misleading a woman to believe a relationship is in store. . .the oldest trick in the book gals.

"I have this strange feeling in my stomach that I can't trust him"

And you should listen to it dear. Do you know why? Because your gut, woman's intuition, is very rarely if ever wrong. It's a primal built in self defense mechanism and you should not dismiss it. The reason alarm bells are sounding is because of one simple thing here dear (and it's something that ALWAYS gives men's true intentions away, regardless of their words):

This man's WORDS are NOT aligning with his ACTIONS.

Example:

"He said before he got here that as soon as he lands that he is my boyfriend"

"he is very much into social networking. . .in 3 weeks of him being here he never posted a photo of me or mentioned me in any of his instagram photos"

"He said he completely understood where I was coming from and that he wasn't hiding me. Yet he hasn't put a photo up of us when he was here."

If this man were not a social media junkie, it'd be a different story and a non-issue. But given the fact that he is, this does seem worth taking note of.

"its not like he is using me for sex"

Maybe not, but he could be stringing you along as an option dear, or a text pal, or an ego stroke, etc. :-(

"It's like I know he is serious about me"

Well. . .you really don't know that yet dear. This man's a virtual stranger honestly. Three weeks is NOT enough to know someone inside and out, through good times and bad, how they handle stress and disappointment, how responsible they are, how many women are in his life, etc. It's simply not.

The only way you're going to know if this man is genuine or not - is to spend more time getting to know him over the course of a lengthy period. I don't know how long you were speaking prior to meeting, but it should be a considerable amount of time spent observing prior to swallowing what he's spoon feeding you, ya' know?

If your guts rumbling dear - do NOT dismiss it. (Humans have more nerves in our guts than in our spinal chords. . .)

Nadia86 said...

Thank you so much for your reply. I am still very much confused. I have been told before in the past that I am too independent and therefor I look for anything and everything to run from a relationship so that I can have my freedom to travel and spend time with my friends etc. I wonder if this is perhaps the case. I have noticed that he rarely uses social media now, he facetimes me nearly every night and even calls when he is out with his friends and they jump on the phone to say hi etc. He wants me to go over to see him in March and meet his family and to be honest even though this is typically what every girl wants, that kind of commitment, I still find myself trying to flee from the situation. I like him but then I wonder if its truly that or more a case of me getting excitement out of this situation that I like. There are times when I feel that he is much more invested in this than I am and then times where my intuition is telling me something is not right. In normal circumstance I wouldn't worry myself with concerns about a guy, I would usually just go with the flow and see where it takes me but in this case with the amount of time, effort and money that is going into us trying to make whatever this is work, it is playing on my mind that its just too much for me to be bothered with. Thank you so much for your advise, it is much appreciated. Nadia86

Confused Gal said...

There's this guy who has been a very good friend. We've been friends for probably over 3 to 4 years and we trust each other. A few months ago, he started being very flirtatious and hinting that he wants to start a relationship. However, he does that with many other girls as well. But at the end of the day, he always comes back and tells me I'm the one he wants to be with and unfortunately, I did fall for him and has hinted it back although he never really did anything. Recently, he found a girl that he's crazy for and well i guess I'm happy for him? However she turned him down. Of course, I welcomed him back with open arms and he began hinting that he wanted to be with me. The only problem is that he brings her up so often that I feel insecure! Not only that, he asks other girls "would you date me?" and uses flirtatious moves. But IN THE END, he ALWAYS comes back to me and says "I done with women, except for you." I'm so confused! I feel like he's trying to find love but everyday just realises that I'm the one he wants to be with (or so he says), but I'm worried that he's just toying with my emotions! But I believe I may have really fallen for him! What should I do?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Confused Gal,
"he started being very flirtatious and hinting that he wants to start a relationship"

Hinting that he wanted to settle down into an actual relationship, or hinting that he was interested in starting a sexual one? Because they're two different things, ya' know?

"What should I do?"

You don't have to do anything dear, HE does. He has to PROVE to you that he's GENUINELY interested in a real relationship with you - not just a sexual one. And he can prove that by being consistent, reliable and stable in his behavior, which unfortunately right now - he's not. And that signals that he's not "relationship ready" dear. He thinks he wants a relationship, but he's not acting like he's stable enough to truly invest in one properly. Because to do that, you need to be consistent, reliable, stable, trustworthy and you have to be willing to compromise and show compassion, and you need to be willing to fulfill your partners needs by being supportive and encouraging (not by throwing other women in your face or asking other women if they'd date him).

I'm sorry dear, but regardless of his WORDS, his ACTIONS are singing another song...one that signals that he's too emotionally immature right now and lacks the skills necessary to really have a healthy relationship.

If he doesn't prove to you that he's ready through all the things I've listed above, then you don't have to do anything dear, but keep living your life and moving forward :-)

If he wants you, he knows where to find you. And if he continues to behave in an unstable manner, then you know he's not ready dear, he's not mature enough and he's not relationship material at this time.

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA,

I'm definitely involved with a player...my gut has told me so time and time again I have refused to listen. I became a booty call, friend w benefits. the last time he was over my house at 2 AM his phone rang repeatedly on vibrate. He looked at me, grinned and said "Don't be jealous I have admirers".

The following day I called him out on all his bullshit and poor treatment and told him we can no longer be friends, we were never friends. My true friends don't treat me like crap and leave me second guessing my self and everything. He threw it all back in my face and blamed me for his "disappearing". Twenty four hours later he's on a dating website and befriending a dozen new girls on Facebook.

Needless to say, I am implementing no contact FOREVER with this one. Ladies, LISTEN TO YOUR GUT.

- Down and Out in NYC

Anonymous said...

Thank you very much for that eye opener points. there is this guy i met through online, based on your points this guy can be classified as a player. The guy told me he separated with his wife and he has been living with his son. most of time keeps coming to my place, but when i insist i want to visit his resident he claims his house is always full. he stays with his sister and the son. one days i wanted to visit him, and he told me to wait his sister and son to travel upcountry, but they never traveled meaning i never went there.
please advise, could he be a player.

Anonymous said...

What an eye-opener. I bumped into a guy I'd known for 25 years when I moved to NYC. He immediately started to call me "sweetheart," which I found to be a total turn-off. He pursued me off and on for 2 years, and I always refused. Then last fall, the full-court press, just as I was moving away from the city. This guy treats women really well on the surface: gifts, flowers, dinner and dancing, even stays in nice hotels. (Tip: always hotels with 2 rooms, so that he could be in the other room with his cell phone.) Gut always told me that there were other 50-something women he was hitting on (especially divorced with no kids at home). But no proof. He was always having dinner with "clients" or spending weekends (unavailable by phone - "no cell service) with his elderly parents. Always taking bathroom breaks during dinners out with his cell phone and taking longer than anyone should take for a pit stop. He would arrange thoughtful romantic weekends together a month in advance -- with no in-between. Full of future-speak: "We could buy a house out in the country and live together" yadda yadda. Initially I kept saying "you are rushing things." But after a few months of being in the relationship, of course it felt normal to want it to evolve. Well, worlds collide and eventually through a fluke I found out that he has one woman (not me) whom he considers his "girlfriend" and probably several more like me in the rotation. He picks the vulnerable divorced women in their 50s, gives good passion and courting, but has zero interest in their emotions. OK, so now I get it and he is a total player.Still uses the sweetheart bit, and dangles future plans far in the distance, never answers a phone call in my presence, blah blah blah. Enough!!! My big quandary: should I inform the woman who thinks she is his girlfriend? I do not know her -- he makes sure that his current targets don't have overlapping communities. He was hitting on me at the same time he was taking her out for NYE, visited me just before Valentine's Day evidently so that he could be with her then (told me he had to "be away for Valentine's".) But I see who she is on his FB page (not that he says he's in a relationship with her -- god forbid for a player. No, they just have a shared cover photo of a romantic seaside sunset. (A player's version of "commitment." Barf.) Should I message her? Thanks for your input.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 23, 8:15 PM,
That's a conundrum because when it comes to situations like this, I'm of two thoughts on the matter. One is "no drama" and the other is...help a sister out. I think creating drama backfires on us, but I also think a woman has a right to know when she's being snowed.

But I'd also be concerned about...IS she really being snowed? Meaning, maybe they have an open relationship? Maybe they're just casually dating? Maybe that's a family member or a friend of the family of some sort or maybe they're just friends?

That's the thing - you just don't know for sure (Or do you?)

Honestly dear, I'm not sure about this one. But what I am sure about is that you should obviously cease seeing this man immediately. Sorry I'm not of much assistance when it comes to these situations, this is touchy ground, ya' know? :-(

Anonymous said...

I'm in a situation right now that I think I am dealing with a player and I am done with him but want further advice about how to deal with him. The 1st red flag about him is that he has almost no guy friends. Some people have even called him gay. He has all girl friends and is always talking to different ones at any given time. I thought that he cared more about me since we have been hanging out at school for months now everyday and also texting using Face Time a lot. A few weeks ago, it was spring break and we talked everyday for hours at a time and even hung out a few times. We are both active on Instagram users and he comments all the time on girls photos and is following tons of girls. We took some pictures while on spring break together and everybody said, "are you dating?" or "couple" or "are you finally dating" and he replied no. And he even put on a comment "why are we always together anyway?" What? Anyway, while on spring break, a girl that he was following followed me and it turned out that he was talking to her on her pictures asking for her number and then she said "we should hang out". When we got back from spring break, he posted a picture with this girl and she commented "my better half" and he said "love you". Then he commented on another one of her pictures, "It has only been 4 hours and I miss you already". Ugh! Then he calls me and I am annoyed and say I have to go and cannot talk. So at school, he doesn't sit with me anymore and has been hanging out with different girls. This week has been terrible. He starts posting pictures on Instagram and takes the one off with the comments that he put "love you" and reposts it without the comments. Then he posts another one saying that he missed his old friends and hates his life. Then he posts another one with him and a new group of girls. He said "hi" to me and I just ignored him. Then last night he tries Face Timing me 7 times and I don't pick up but finally call him back and he says "Sorry, Face Time is acting weird" What? Was he messing with me and saying that he didn't really want to call? Then this morning he posts another picture with yet another girl and it says. "Love you, Ellen" with kissy faces. Why would he do this again? Such immature behavior! I don't know if he is trying to make me jealous or he is just a complete ***hole feeding his ego with all of these women. I don't understand how somebody could be so uncaring and cruel since he told me I was his "best friend" and I wasn't the one who did anything wrong here. Give me some insight on how to deal with this jerk going forward as I have to see him at school and should I even talk to him if he calls again or what would I even say? A part of me really wants to tell my " best friend" how pissed off I am at him. Or should I just go about ignoring him completely? Help!!!!!!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 3, 3:29 PM,
"Give me some insight on how to deal with this jerk going forward"

I wouldn't "deal" with him dear. That's the same as saying, "Give me some advice on how to tolerate him. Why tolerate him at all ya' know? When a man makes you feel bad about yourself, makes you doubt yourself, makes you question things, etc. - just get away from him dear. Nothing you do or say is going to change him - so if you don't want more of it, you're better off just getting away from him dear.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror,
first I should say sorry for my English lol and thank you for your blog ..
I'm writing because I feel so lost and upset ...I have been with my ex bf for 3 years on and off.. every time we had broken up was because of his commitment issues ..and 2 times I caught him with his ex gf ..
every time he came back and made me forgave him ..the last time we had been living together for 6 month and all the sudden he said he want to live with his mom before he bought another house (he sold his house )
I offered him that he can live with me (I do have my place but I was living with him ) he said: no it is not acceptable ..anyways we just met each other on weekends ..I just found out he has been living with his ex gf since he sold the house not with his mom ..I got very angry and confront him via text ..he just said well you are sick and that's all ...after 3 days he texted me and said :congrats for your new bf !!!! then he called me once ..I didnt respond at all ..he thinks one of his friend told me about his ex gf and now he is my bf !!!
he didn't even say sorry ...nothing ...what should I do to get revenge ? please tell me ..sorry for my English though :(

Anonymous said...

I was kind of seeing this guy for about one month. He went out of town after we finally had sex. While he was gone.. If I got a txt from him..it was late at night. And if i tried to respond back.. I either got a two word response back..or nothing at all. I didn't initiate txting. That was all him..but always around 11pm. I started getting this odd feeling that maybe he was with another girl on this trip. Then the txts dwindled from him completely. When he was back I tried to plan a time to hang out (which he used to love).. Now..He'd respond several hours later..very lack luster..almost like answering a Co worker or something.. The enthusiasm was totally gone. I sent a final txt after not hearing from him again for a few days.. I said that it seems like he doesn't have time for whatever reason, and that I'm giving him space. Then wished him well.
He wrote back immediately. Said he'd lost a friend and he's still processing it and very anti social. But he wanted to get together and catch up.. I set up a dinner.. He was very lacking of enthusiasm (giving one word responses) in txting to confirm plans. We met up and he kept talking flirty and sexual to me.. but after dinner he was very cold again. And in a huge hurry to leave.. He actually sped off snd left me in a parking lot alone. I txt him later and said I could tell he's not feeling it and wished him the best. He responded with a long thank you. Like i was so awesome for going away. Was I dealing with a player? The whole time we hung out before.. He was always so excited and wanted to make plans for our next date while still out together. I am sorry for the loss of his friend..but I don't feel that his dealing with a death was the only thing going on. It's done now.. but i feel so confused by the flip he made. Excited about where this was going and then acting like I'm bugging him when my behavior never changed. Oh..and when we did sleep together he had a new toothbrush for me to use.. it was kind of a red flag at the time. I'd love your thoughts. -M.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 8, 1:19 AM,
The best revenge dear - is doing well.

Don't ever speak to him again, don't ever respond to his texts and move on with your life as if you could care less and just...do well. Exes who cheat (and many other exes as well) can't stand to see their ex happy without them. It bothers them deeply when they see the other person is unaffected, happy, not depressed, not speaking to them and simply doing great and having fun without them.

It eats them to the core dear, trust me. My ex husband cheated and for years, literally years, when it was clear I was immediately moving on and leaving him in the dust after finding out - and I was doing well, I was happy and life went on without him...it drove him nuts. He would try to call, he would have his mother try to call, he would bad mouth me...it ate at him. He even said to me, "I don't know why you always have to be such a bitch. Other women go through this (cheating), and they don't throw away their marriages over it."

He was astounded that I left him, walked away, moved on and was happy. He actually thought he was so special that I'd give up my happiness just to cling to him like a wet paper towel. His ego was dashed and he got a rude awakening when that didn't happen, he realized then that he wasn't as special as his ego would have him believe....and it drove him nuts.

Again dear, the best revenge - is doing well :-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@M,
"when we did sleep together he had a new toothbrush for me to use"

Yea, big red flag there. Even hotels don't give out new toothbrushes LOL. He must've had a revolving door on his place for him to be thinking ahead like that.

I agree with you here, I think this guy was away with another woman and when he came back, he took to spending more time with her, which was the reason he was spending less time with you. And chances are, once he's done with her, he'll circle back around to you....so be very careful here dear as I don't think that'll be the last time you hear from him. Guys like this are pretty predictable.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to put my experience out there. I met this guy on an online dating website. We went on a date and hit it off really well and man did I fall hard for this guy! We had sex on the second date since we were so physically attracted to each other. He made me feel special in so many different ways.. But in the back of my mind, I had a gut feeling that this was too good to be true. Comes to find out my gut instinct was right! He had been texting/skyping with 5-6 different women and was really involved with a woman from a different country. I called him out on it and he told me the typical "i'm going to change for you, you're the only one i want" bull shit that I fell for time and time again. I was that girl who gave him so many chances for him to change because I wanted to be that "good" girl who changes a player.. But you can't fix broken. We dated for a couple more months until he broke it off with me because he couldn't stay "committed" to me and that he wanted to focus on "himself and his career" - typical breakup line. I knew once he said that, that he was going to go back to his old ways. He blocked me on facebook so he wouldn't let me see the numbers of girls he added as well.

About a month later with absolutely no contact, he texted me saying he wants to give me my stuff back from his old apartment since he moved to a new condo. I replied and told him i'd get it from him once I had the time. About a week later, I went to his place and got my stuff. We chatted for a bit and he started acting flirty and sexual again... To my fault, of course I gave into it. We acted like we were a couple again that night and once I left, he said he'd text me later. Of course, he never texted me back. He already got what he wanted which was to get in my pants. I felt disgusted, hurt, and used and it was sooo stupid for me to fall back into this vicious cycle again.

So two days ago, I went to his place and gave him his stuff back. Of course I tried to look sexy and great at the same time so he knew what he was missing out on! He ended up kissing and stuff but I stopped and never gave in after that. I rejected him for the first time and it felt great haha. So I left my phone on his dresser while I used the restroom. And while I was in the restroom, a guy that has been interested in me called me and texted me some flirty text messages on my phone. The player saw him calling me and read the messages he sent on my phone He even answered the guy's phone call and asked who it was! And let me tell you... The player went ape shit bizzerk on me. He started calling me a whore, bitch, slut, you name it. He pushed me on the bed and told me to get the hell out of his house. He was so mad that he left the house himself and drove off.

He had absolutely no right to react the way he did, calling me names and physically throwing me, because WE ARE BOTH SINGLE. And if I recalled correctly, that was his choice. If he expected me to sit there waiting for him while he talks to every girl on earth, then he's sadly mistaken. I deserve the right to move on just as much as he did. The tables have turned and by him over-reacting like that, he got a taste of his own medicine. His sister even deleted me off facebook. Lol. I don't feel bad at all for him!

So Ladies, please be careful and follow your instincts! This made me realize that moving on was the best thing to ever do-- it was my mistake to fall for it post breakup, but I really did learn from this experience. There are loyal and faithful guys out there that deserve great girls like us.

Anonymous said...

Dear MOA,
I hate to say this but last night I ended up hooking up with an ex who has been nothing but trouble from the very start.

We dated for a year, and ended up breaking up over the facts that our communication was not very good, but more importantly, he had become interested in another girl. I went complete NC for a month and he texted first to find out how I was, and slowly but surely worked his way back into my life from there for the next two months, to the point where we recently had a great hang out and talked like old friends. But during that time he kept dropping hints about when we were in a relationship together, about being intimate, and about my personal life, including my love life. I was under the assumption that perhaps he wanted to get back together, him making it very clear he was single.

Two weeks later (yesterday) we hung out in his apartment to watch a game and he ended up kissing me very passionately/unexpectedly, to the point where we ended up in his bedroom. I stopped him and said I didn't want to be friends with benefits with him, I wanted more than that. He listened but also said he knows I want this right now (typical player!!) Not going to lie, I did want it too (he was my first and I felt very comfortable with him), but I wanted more as well. I said I didn't want to hook up with him but he said, you're already doing it. As a result we ended up fooling around but not having sex. I asked him why he had kissed me and he said he wanted to fill some hole, and that he was still very attracted to me and liked me in some way. During this time I brought up dating again, and he brought up the fact that we had dated for a year and we didn't end up working out together; that he didn't see this working again as a long-term thing. I said the reason why it didn't work out was our communication was poor and his feelings ended up changing, and for this he did apologize sincerely. He said he didn't want to make any promises to me and I said I didn't want promises anymore. I guess the red flag in our breakup is that something as simple as communication could've been solved easily by working on things...clearly he didn't want to. Rather he chose to move on to someone else.

Anyway he asked me to stay over for the night, but he had to work for a couple hours but he would be back. I hung out at a friend's house nearby and sincerely debated what I was going to do (MOA, I wanted the comfort of being with him again, I'm only human!) but somewhere I knew deep down I wasn't going to end up getting what I wanted (to be dating him again and for us both to be invested in each other). I don't know why I ended up choosing to go back with him, but I just knew I wanted to feel something with him again.

Anonymous said...

MOA, at this point, I seriously contemplated leaving, but like I said, I'm sorry to say I wanted to spend the night with him still, one last time. When he got back, again we hung out and ended up fooling around into the wee hours of the morning but not having sex, although he kept asking me if I wanted to. It took everything in my willpower to refuse that finally because on some level I did want to still.

During the night I did tell him that I was afraid of having sex with someone that could just walk away again, and that I like the comfort and trust that comes with relationships, that isn't there in hookups. He said that is part of the reason why he didn't think we would work, because he is ok with hookups and if we did break up again he didn't want to make me feel betrayed by him. He said regardless of whether or not we were dating, he still cared about me and I was still the best girl he had ever dated (before me, he had just had multiple flings). After this he stopped asking me if I wanted to have sex.

In the morning, I noticed he wasn't as touchy-feely as we had been that night, me wanting to be cuddled and him sometimes accepting it and sometimes not. He had to go to work and he did talk to me nicely but not as affectionately. I brought up the idea of starting to see each other casually, no expectations, because at this point I felt I wanted to play the player in some way by showing a lot of interest and then never talking to him again. I also mentioned I was casually seeing another guy and he said, shouldn't you just see him then? And I said it wasn't exclusive, so as long as the guys know this and I know this, it's ok. He said we can do whatever I want (e.g. date, not date, talk, not talk, etc.) and I just noticed how blase his answers were, as if it made no difference to him. It's odd he wouldn't at least react to this happily, as he had said he was single, lonely (that's his fault!!) and his love life was stagnant, BUT I remember you had mentioned MOA, how guys like to play it cool, and I think that is what he was doing here, not wanting to seem too eager for anything with me but allowing me to "present myself as an option". At this point, after having spent the day/night in tumult and mixed emotions, I knew at this point we could probably never date again, this guy is trouble. However I still do care about him as a person and a friend. I added him back to Facebook today (I had kept him unfriended to spite him these past months), but something in me said it was time to close the book and view him as a friend now, nothing more. Don't try to stay in contact, don't reach out to him period. For me the closure was simply adding him back, the way I had always viewed it is if I kept him unfriended it was because I secretly harboured feelings that he would be curious and think about me and want to get back together. Now I don't really want to anymore, and he can just stay in my friends list for all I care. When I added him I also sent him a message saying "my bad" as a joke, he accepted my request with a minute and simply wrote "lol" (and I believe this is because I essentially turned the tables and chased him by asking to casually dating him, causing him to withdraw, because before he was doing all the "chasing").

Anonymous said...

I know I messed up royally with this one, MOA. Hookups are never something I meant to do/have never done before, especially with a troublemaker ex of all people! And I must sound absolutely insane with my actions, of wanting more with him yet settling for less. I don't know, I think I just wanted to feel things with him again.

I always wanted to be someone he regretted losing but now, I think I've downgraded my status of ungettable girl to hookup girl, something I never wanted to do :( I feel the only way for him to ever regain any respect for me and regret his chance of not getting back together would to be completely silent, don't contact and if he does contact, say I understood what had happened, but I did truly want more and I deserve more than casually seeing him, a player, again. Is this the correct thing to do if I want these outcomes? Do you think he would contact me again, given the fact he said he was single and lonely? And MOA why is it so hard to stand up for these simple things in the heat of the moment? I really do feel ridiculous about what happened. What can I do?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 21, 9:27 PM,
"I said I didn't want to hook up with him but he said, you're already doing it."

That was him making it clear that was only a hookup dear :-(

"that he didn't see this working again as a long-term thing."

Then that's exactly what he means, don't read anything else into it.

"He said we can do whatever I want (e.g. date, not date, talk, not talk, etc.) and I just noticed how blase his answers were, as if it made no difference to him. It's odd he wouldn't at least react to this happily, as he had said he was single, lonely (that's his fault!!) and his love life was stagnant"

Why would he be happy about it dear, when he's already made it very clear that "he is ok with hookups" and "he didn't see this working again as a long-term thing." He doesn't WANT a relationship, so the thought of one won't make him happy. Unfortunately, it'll make him want to remove himself from the situation :-(

"BUT I remember you had mentioned MOA, how guys like to play it cool, and I think that is what he was doing here, not wanting to seem too eager for anything with me but allowing me to "present myself as an option"."

In this case though, he's playing it cool for sex - for an occasional hookup - not for a relationship :-(

"be completely silent, don't contact..if he does contact, say I understood what had happened, but I did truly want more and I deserve more"

You can't be completely silent - and then respond dear. Complete silence and full no contact means exactly that - consequences for his decision. And those consequences are - no access to you whatsoever, in any way, shape or form - and that means no response as well. No communication period, no emails, texts, social media - nothing.

"Do you think he would contact me again, given the fact he said he was single and lonely?"

For a hookup? Yea, probably. For a relationship? Doubtful. And that has nothing to do with you. It has to do with the fact that he's not seeking a relationship - with anyone. He doesn't want one and that has nothing to do with you, it's simply a personal choice he's making.

"why is it so hard to stand up for these simple things in the heat of the moment?"

Because in those moments dear, you're giving way to your emotions - and not using logic. When you let your emotions take over, logic flies out the window. And that's not just with you, that's with many people, man or woman. It takes a lot of practice at self-discipline and self-control to learn to separate your emotions from logic. Emotions (love) is blind...logic is reality...and when emotions are given the full lead and self-control lacks, logic has no say.

"What can I do?"

I think these pieces may help dear:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/08/how-do-you-value-yourself.html

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

Anonymous said...

If anyone out their has dated Robert/Bob McCarthy from Shrewsbury, Ma and East Falmouth, Ma beware. He is a dentist in Worcester, Ma. He is the textbook definition of a player. He is extremely insecure and unattractive however he enables his family/friends so he has people around him. People use him but he's too self absorbed and stupid to realize it. He's a bit boring/dull in bed. He answers questions with questions to give himself a few seconds of thinking time and has a nervous laugh. I always knew he was seeing more than 1 person at a time but played dumb for reasons I won't say.

pisces girl said...

Lmao i think its time more of us started outing these men and warning other ladies!

Anonymous said...

OMG That's me and I am a player woman..... But wait a minute ..I don't sleep around..I only flirt :)

Anonymous said...

I got played by player girl. Never thought it would happen to me. But every thing you describe above applies to her. I am still getting over it - after a month of what I thought was the perfect relationship, she walked away in a heartbeat and never looked back. It hurt even more when I found out she slept with an ex just a few days later. All I can say is I didn't see it coming... but next time I will.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I have been reading a lot of your posts and find it very helpful. My story is that I got out of a 10 years relationship in March and meet this guy on Facebook. He was very persistent, understanding, and attentive. Gave me every reason why i should give him a chance. I finally gave in after 2 weeks and we started getting to know each other. I was very cautious since I just got out of a relationship but he reassured me. Even talked about the future and wanting to bring a wife home not a one night stand. The thing is we were long distance and he said he would visit me or fly me down. Fast forward to our first meet up after 2 months talking we had sex. I felt comfortable with him and he kept saying how lucky he was to find me and where have I been all his life. He would text me throughout the day and call me after work and skype for hours. This went on for 2-3 months and he slowly text me less and spend less time communicate. After 3 months I would always have to ask when I would see him again and he keeps saying soon. Before he always initiates his visits. So I got annoyed and told him and even told him how he hasn't been texting and calling me like before. He told me I was needy and demanding and it was pushing him away. After that argument he became very distant, we didn't talk much and he was always busy (got a promotion at work). So my last visit at his place he was acting different. Always had his phone with him everywhere. Doesn't let it go out of site. I thought it was weird but didn't really care as I have trusts in him. One time in the car there was a # calling in and he said he doesn't recognize the number and decline the call and that number called back and he let it go to voice mail. The day I was supposed to leave his place I looked through one of his many phones and phone that he has been texting 2 other girls and planned to meet up with 1 of the girl when he fly over for business trip. I flipped or and confronted him and at first he told me he was disappointed that i was snooping and later said he thought I was cheating and I was picking fights and he didn't like that. I was hurt and cried a lot. After I came back I had no trust in him and he made promises that he would be open for communication but it was all lied. I broke up with him because he didn't do anything to make me feel like he was doing to gain my trust back and his communication was distant especially when he's away for business trip. He said okay. I felt bad the next day told him I miss him a lot and want to give it another try. Jerk told me he was very upset about what had hair need the night before and would need time to think about it. I told him okay whatever decision you make I respect that. So he strong me along for 2 weeks with I miss you and I bought new jacket you'll love it and I'll come see you soon. But he still text me very little and doesn't call me as much. So one night we were on the phone he said he would put me on mute since he snore and I told him it's okay but then I noticed he actually did put me on mute and to confirm I sent him a text message but I don't hear any noise. Next day I asked him if he had muted me cuz I'm thinking he probably muted me so he can call other girls. He has 5 - 6 phones. He told me no he had vibrating off that's why I didn't hear anything when I sent him the text. I then asked him what ami to him and his response was trying to work on being mygf. His excuse when I asked him what are we is that he might have to move to Mexico and he would want me to deal with the distance and that he cares for me but he wants to wait til 9/19 to find out. I then asked him why it takes him so long to respond to my text knowing he carries his phone with him 24/7 and that his "love" for me was an infatuation.

Anonymous said...

He told me to give him space. That was on Monday 9/8. I haven't text or call him since I got his text for space. What is your thought on this? Half of me thinks he already move on and that his lame excuse about Mexico is to get rid of me if things with new girl didn't work out our something. I honestly have a lot of doubts. My no contact with him has made it easier each day but I still check my phone for his text and calls. What do you think I should do? I'm still friends with him on fb. He's active via messenger all day. He used to like my pictures when I post but not anymore. Do you think I should delete him? Whenever I see him on I think he's probably fishing for another girl. He's a sweet talker. Tells you things you want to hear and makes a lot of promises. Please I need advice. I do have a lot of guys asking me out on dates but I can't move on since this guy has made such a bad experience for me. Thank you for reading and your advice

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 13, 9:54 PM,
"he said he would visit me"

ALWAYS have the man come to YOU in the early stages of dating. NEVER let a man be able to "summon" you for a visit, whether he pays or not. Make him prove himself genuinely interested by having to take ACTION himself. Flying someone down for sex is like ordering a pizza. Make HIM take ACTION.

"didn't really care as I have trusts in him"

Why did you trust him though? Did he EARN that trust? Or did you just give it to him free of charge, without him earning it or having to prove himself, ya' know?

"I flipped or and confronted him and at first he told me he was disappointed that i was snooping and later said he thought I was cheating and I was picking fights and he didn't like that."

That's emotional manipulation - it's a classic move, technically called "shifting blame:"

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/07/what-is-nagging-and-shifting-blame.html

"my last visit at his place...After I came back"

Why is it YOU going to HIM? HE should be coming to YOU dear. That's how a man proves himself genuinely interested...he's willing to put himself out for the woman.

"He has 5 - 6 phones"

That's absolutely ridiculous and it's a giant red flag of a con man. Probably a zillion pre-paid, untraceable phones.

"What is your thought on this?"

I think this guy's a major player stalking Facebook for woman and stringing a bunch of them along all at the same time :-(

"What do you think I should do?"

I think you should RUN dear...as fast as you can, and as far away as you can - from him :-(

"He's active via messenger all day"

Yea, I bet. Takes a lot of communication to juggle several relationships at one time dear :-(

"Do you think I should delete him?"

Definitely.

"He's a sweet talker. Tells you things you want to hear and makes a lot of promises."

Remember this dear - it doesn't matter what a man SAYS (words)....it only matters what he DOES (action).

"I do have a lot of guys asking me out on dates but I can't move on"

Make it a point to do your best to get away from him dear, before he hurts you even more and lies to you further.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous Sep 13, 9:54 PM

Hi Mirror, Thank you so much for your respond. You brought up a good point. I basically gave him my trust. I shared him my story and he share to me abt his stories. How he was engaged and the girl cheated on him. So given that he has been cheated on before I don't think he would cheat on me and he himself told me he's not a cheater. He visited me the first 4 times (2x a month) for 2 months and i told him i want to visit him for the long wknd (july 4th) and meet his friends and see his living style. My sister told me not to do that but i didn't listen and see why now. I asked him why he has so many phone and he told me he used to work for t-mobile and verizon so they gave him free phones. So i didn't really think much abt it. Our fall out came when he stop talking abt visiting me and he becoming distant. We did have an argument via text about that and he got a promotion and i wasn't really happy since he has to move to Seattle. He got upset that i wasn't happy and was being selfish. That wknd he went to seattle to sign his work contract and visit his family. He said that's when he met 2 of the girls from his Seattle trip. He said they both knew he has a gf but was interested in him and the other one is local and really wants him. He calls them babe and told them the same thing he told me when he was pursuing me. He said he wasn't happy and we didn't have fun anymore. We were arguing/me picking fight all the time. He told me he loved me even before we even met and when i talked to him abt his cheating he said it was only text, nothing physical and that he didn't tell them he loves them. After i found out abt his cheating he tells me he misses me but doesn't tell me he loves me. When i confronted him he said he would fly me to see him 2x a week and we would talk every night. It wasn't true. I rarely got to talk to him and i had to ask him abt me visiting. He said he's busy with work and possibly another promotion. I was pretty much fed up and i told him break up but then i wanted to give him another try (stupid me...i know). After of stringing me along...rarely any text and would take forever to respond I asked him if he's having fun putting me on the edge and if he's seeing someone. He told me he has been thinking a lot that he wants me but he might be moving to mexico. I have been enjoying life but i still check his fb. I just confirmed last night that he is going to mexico end of this wk. Day 8 of no contact. It is getting easier. I post cute pictures of me on fb and I will post a mind blowing photo shoot picture for him to see first before i delete him off fb...his lost. I'm getting stronger but i'm still waiting for him to txt me end of this wk or nxt wk letting me know he got the promotion to mexico or something so that i could let go.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 13, 9:54 PM,
"I basically gave him my trust"

Trust is a very valuable thing dear. It needs to be earned and is not to be given away for free, because of it's value. Imagine it like this. If you had $10,000...would you give that away for free? Or would you expect to receive something in return for it's value...something with equal value in return? Most likely, if you're parting with something valuable, like $10k, then you want something with equal value in return - you want a return on that investment.

NEVER invest trust into someone without them EARNING it and providing something of equal value back to you in return (honesty, action, consistency and reliability). Trust is very valuable and is not free.

"given that he has been cheated on before I don't think he would cheat on me and he himself told me he's not a cheater"

How do you even know if that was the truth or not though dear. You're taking a complete and total stranger at his word, when you don't even know if his word is truth or not. Additionally, when someone states the obvious, things that shouldn't have to be stated - things like, "you can trust me" or "I don't cheat" or "I don't lie" - it's a big red flag. Because it's the sign of someone trying hard to get you to believe those statements. If those statements were true, they wouldn't need to try hard to get you to believe them, ya' know?

For instance, I consider myself trustworthy. BUT...because I KNOW I'm trustworthy...I don't feel the need to go running around trying to convince everyone I'm trustworthy. Why? Because I don't have to SAY it - my actions SHOW it. So there's absolutely no need for me to try to get people to believe that about me. It's already obvious that it's true, because my actions are in line with my behavior. Therefore, I don't need to state what's already obvious.

Now, on the other hand, let's say I AM a liar. But I don't want people to know that and my actions might give me away, because they're not consistent. In that case, what I would instantly start doing is TALKING about my actions, instead of actually SHOWING that they align with my words. I would start going around telling everyone "you can trust me" because deep down, I know I'm not to be trusted, and I also know my actions are giving me away. So now, I'm on this crusade to use my words and emotional manipulation to fool everyone and confuse them into thinking I can be trusted...because I'm constantly telling them that. And by constantly telling them that, it's confusing them and making them not notice how much my actions are not aligning with that claim...because they're now believing my words instead.

So when people state the obvious, and start saying things they shouldn't need to say like "you can trust me" or "I don't lie" - consider that a big red flag, particularly if they're doing this repeatedly time and time again, while their actions are showing the exact opposite.

"he said he would fly me to see him 2x a week and we would talk every night. It wasn't true."

See what I mean dear? ACTIONS are not aligning with WORDS. "He said he would fly me to see him" - WORDS. "It wasn't true." ACTION. And the two do NOT align which is a big red flag.

Be on the lookout for that from now on with men dear. If their actions do not align with their words - they're not trustworthy.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous Sep 13, 9:54 PM

Hi Mirror, Thank you for helping me. Now I realized a lot of the things he told me are not align with his actions. The last time I saw him I didn't like his demeanor toward other people. Judging people based on their race, driving, behavior etc....it was a turn off. Complains about gas price and certain things but would go shopping and buy all kind of things. He makes good money (150k/year) and he's complaining to me abt bills and how everything is expensive then went and bought a new car (lexus). I told him flat out well everyone's got bills to pay. The more you spend the more bills you have. He's a scorpio and I'm a taurus. Funny thing is he's always telling me I would never meet another man like him and now I can see why. First and last douche bag I will ever meet hopefully. When I found out abt him cheating I told him he has ego issue and it wasn't because I was picking fight. I guess at some point I see straight through him and called him out on it because I was tired of his shitty behavior. Each day pass not talking to him I feel confident and tell myself I deserve better. Do you think he will contact me? I kind of want to give him a lesson for playing with my heart and possibly many more women out there.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 13, 9:54 PM,
"I feel confident and tell myself I deserve better"

You most certainly do - don't ever settle for less than you deserve.

"Do you think he will contact me?"

I have no way of knowing that dear. Nothing in life is a guarantee. He may, he may not. But one thing I will tell you is this...whether he contacts you or not doesn't matter. And whether he ever admits this or not won't matter either but I can tell you from hearing many men speak - the ones that "dump and run" on them....they NEVER forget those women - EVER.

Particularly a man that says this about himself, "he's always telling me I would never meet another man like him." He's used to being able to charm himself out of trouble, I can guarantee you that. And when a man like that gets dumped, regardless of whether or not he brought it on himself, they NEVER forget the woman that did that. Because men like that are shocked when a woman DOESN'T want to be with them, whether they're a jagoff or not, they're usually stunned by that.

So just know dear, whether he ever returns or not - he'll never forget you either way. You've already taught him a lesson. You don't need him to circle back around for another one ;-)

Anonymous said...

Anonymous Sep 13, 9:54 PM --Update

Hi Mirror,

I just found out that the women he met were through Tinder (dating app). So he lied abt these women approaching him out of nowhere. I couldn't help but laugh how insecure he really is and that talking to these different women would boost his ego or whatever it is that he's missing. From what I know he's using his charm and sweet talking to get these women. Now I don't know if these women he meet are for fun (text it seem) but it really makes me loose any respect I had for him as a person. I wasn't sad or upset when I found out. I was just laughing and thinking to myself well good luck to him for thinking the grass is greener on the other side and that karma will get him one day. One of the girl he talked to wasn't that good looking. As of today I can finally say that i don't care abt him or his business.

Thank you mirror for your insight and helpful posts!

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror, I need your words of wisdom today.

I removed him from FB yesterday and I'm constantly checking his fb more often...wtheck is wrong with me? Suddenly I have the urge to text and ask how his trip is going knowing he might not respond back. My emotion is such a rollercoaster. I even requested one of his friend's on fb and I'm not sure she will accept or if that even maters. I was thinking of adding him back on fb and tell him that my friend removed him. I know he's bad for me but what is wrong with me? I really do wish he would reach out to me but it seems like he has already moved on. I just can't see how one person tells you he loves you and misses you and care for you would just walk away like that. Very confused and upset.

BTW my ex of 10 years reached out to me after 6 months of no contact. It was somewhat a mutual break up but it was more from my side because he took me for granted. Saw him 2 times but no feelings. He was a nice guy just didn't know what he wants in life.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 19, 2:28 PM,
"I know he's bad for me but what is wrong with me?"

Well this happens sometimes dear. Sometimes, for various different personal reasons, we feel that if we receive the acknowledgment of an individual that's withholding that from us and that doesn't acknowledge our worth...that receiving that from them will somehow provide us with our happiness. Like as if our entire happiness depends on this single individuals acknowledgment of us.

It doesn't dear. You don't need this mans acknowledgment at all. You don't need him to validate you as a worthy woman. You don't receive that from others, you develop that from within yourself. YOU need to acknowledge YOUR OWN self worth. YOU need to validate YOURSELF as a worthy woman. Know what I mean? You can't get that from him, you need to develop that from within yourself. If you do that, there will be no void to be filled with this mans approval.

Deep down inside dear, it's a self-esteem issue. That's where things like that stem from - from low feelings of self-worth. Which is why people tend to seek that out from others then when that happens...because they don't already carry that within themselves. So without even realizing it, they start reaching for that from others, instead of cultivating that from within themselves.

There's nothing wrong with you - you're human. And these are all issues that are part of the human experience. You just need to remind yourself that you are ALREADY valuable - whether or not this man ever acknowledges that or not - you are ALREADY valuable. You don't need him to see that. You don't need to hear that from him dear....you need to hear that from YOURSELF. You need to believe that you are valuable and that you are worthy.

If you believe that about yourself - then you don't need that approval from anyone else :-)

Anonymous said...

MOA, I wished i checked this before i sent him a message over fb. I wasn't sure if he still has my number so I sent him a message over fb. My message to him "Hey, just wanted to wish you good luck with your job/move to Mexico. I probably won't hear from back from you but that's fine :) Take care!." I told myself it was a goodbye message to him which indicates i'm ready to move on and is no longer waiting for him. He message me back after 30 min "I'm in mexico now. Was just thinking of you. I was going to write to you. The move isn't set in stone yet. I hope all is well."

When I was reading his message I"m thinking....Wow that's a cold message to someone you claimed you care about and he's bs! You're on fb 24/7 yet you don't have time to message me til after i message you or even text me. Yes he did asked for space but I know deep down that it's over between us. Back to NC and move on with my life. I have let this drag on for too long. It's not benefiting me at all. I doubt he would ever contact me again as he's very popular with the ladies and never fails to get dates. Thought abt adding him on fb again once i'm ready and happy again but that might take awhile. Also i was reading your disappearing/reappearing post and came across one of your comment abt professions that attracts sociopaths and his was on that list (salesperson) and your descriptions makes sense. Day 1 of NC starts tomorrow.

TN

Anonymous said...

Dear Aphrodite,

First of all, I just wanted to thank you for everything you do! As a woman who is determined (not desperate) to find the love of her life, I’ve been seriously researching and experimenting with dating for the past 2-3 years with the intensity of a mad scientist, and I can honestly say your articles and comments have given me more comfort and clarity than any other expert out there :)

So I come in need of your wisdom! Here’s the lowdown: I’m a 30-year-old Virgo, he is a 31-year-old Sagittarius. I met him online and after our first date, I felt a very strong connection with him on a physical, emotional, and intellectual level. I played it cool, let him chase me, and our relationship progressed beautifully over the next couple of dates. He seemed like the perfect gentleman…

But alas, if it’s too good to be true...

I learned his last name after our 3rd date, and I looked him up on Facebook the next day only to find a suspicious photo of him and a girl. It was clear they were more than just friends. The following day, the photo was gone. Big red flag. Even though he and I weren’t exclusive, I couldn’t help feeling played and worried he already had a girlfriend.

Anonymous said...

I didn’t confront him, because I didn’t have proof, so I pretended everything was okay on our fourth date. But I felt hurt and confused, and I couldn’t ignore my instincts he was hiding something. So I eventually broke up with him over the phone, giving him some generic excuse about how I didn’t think we were right for each other. The news shocked him, and he called me back a few minute later. He ended up confessing some things to me, without me even asking. I think maybe he was trying to tell me I had made the right decision, and/or maybe he wanted to help me understand him better in the hopes that I would be willing to work through my doubts. He told me he lied on his profile. He put ‘Never Married’, but he in truth he was briefly married and divorced in his early-twenties. He said he lied, because he didn’t want to be judged for a mistake he made as a kid. He said he would’ve told me eventually, since he had been planning on introducing me to his friends and family who all knew about it. He then made a second confession, telling me that for part of our time together, he had been somewhat still involved with his ex-girlfriend (apparently they have been trying to break up for the past 6 months, but got stuck in the break-up/make-up cycle). But he made it clear that it was really over now, and he had no desire to go back to her. Can't say I believed him 100%.

He went on to tell me how he wanted to continue seeing me, because the way he felt about me, he hadn't felt for anyone in a long time. He didn't beg me, but in a calm and persuasive manner, he opened up to me, made himself vulnerable, and seemed so genuine I wanted to take him back right then and there. But I couldn't get over the fact that he lied about his marital status, and I was afraid I that I had only been a rebound. So I thanked him for coming clean, but said I felt deceived, and couldn't see things working out between us.

It’s now been one month of no contact from either end, and I'm in a much calmer state of mind after some time and space to focus on myself. I realize there are plenty of fish in the sea, but honestly, I still think about him all the time, and I want him back because our connection was amazing, something I don't find very often. I know now he's not as secure/confident as I had originally believed. I don't think he's a player, but I think he lies or hides the truth to protect himself, to make himself appear strong and attractive. I also think he hates being alone, and jumps from one long-term relationship into the next. But heck, no one’s perfect, and I believe him when he says he's looking for marriage, not just a fling. I mean, during the whole time we were together, through his words and action, he had shown effort and genuine interest in me.

In the perfect world, I'd want him to initiate contact and make some kind of grand gesture, because I feel like he disappointed me, and he hurt me, however unintentionally. But this isn't a romantic comedy. I had dumped HIM after all, and his pride and ego is undoubtedly bruised, and he probably thinks I never want to see him again. So what do you think? Should I wait to see if this guy is interested enough to "man up" and win me back? Or should I drop a casual hello text and see if he takes the bait?

My apologies for the length, but any insight you can offer will be greatly appreciated! You can call me Neena =)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Neena,
"He put ‘Never Married’, but he in truth he was briefly married and divorced in his early-twenties. He said he lied, because he didn’t want to be judged for a mistake he made as a kid."

You know what that type of thinking tells me? It tells me that HE judges women who are divorced - and because of that - he feels that they will judge him the same way. In this day and age, anyone judging another human being for being divorced one time - is going to be very judgmental about a lot of other things as well.

"I think he lies or hides the truth...I also think he hates being alone, and jumps from one long-term relationship into the next...But heck, no one’s perfect"

I understand that no one's perfect dear. But here's the thing. If someone is a comfortable liar, and their lies begin to reveal a pattern of self-defeating behavior that interrupts their life and relationships...that's a big red flag dear. He's exhibiting a pattern of behavior here that should NOT go overlooked or be swept under the rug. The pattern of behavior he's exhibiting is - lies, hates being alone (insecure), and jumps relationships one right after the other because of his insecurity.

So what makes you think that if YOU were with him - the same wouldn't happen to you? He's caught up in a self-destructive pattern of behavior here that he repeats. And the repetitiveness of this behavior has cost him relationships. So what makes you think that if you were to date him, that he wouldn't continue to lie to protect himself, that he wouldn't continue to fear being alone (and date you for all the wrong reasons), and that eventually, he wouldn't jump from YOUR relationship right into another one....like he's done many times before?

Think about that dear. Chances are, you're not going to break this man's pattern of self-destructive behavior simply by dating him, ya' know? The chances are extremely high that he'd do the same exact thing with you - and self-destruct - as he's done many times before. People are who they are dear. They don't change overnight and they certainly don't change when they don't even realize that THEY are the problem, ya' know?

"I feel like he disappointed me, and he hurt me, however unintentionally"

That wasn't unintentional dear. He PLANNED every single lie, BEFORE he ever even met you. And then while dating you, he KEPT UP that lie and perpetuated it. That is not unintentional. There was a lot of intention behind constructing that lie, that farce, and a lot of effort put into perpetuating it.

"So what do you think? Should I wait to see if this guy is interested enough to "man up" and win me back?"

Honestly dear, I don't think this man is "commitment" material :-( I don't think this man is relationship ready. Meaning, I don't think he's worked out his own "stuff" in order to have developed the skills necessary to have a happy, healthy and long term committed relationship with anyone. His "stuff" is getting in the way. It's causing him to be non-committal and it causes him to self-destruct his relationships with others. As a result, I do not think this man, regardless of how much he may want one, is ready for a real relationship. And I don't think he currently has the skills required to maintain one.

In order to have a happy, healthy, long term committed relationship, you have to have certain skills such as honesty, trustworthiness, sacrifice, compromise, reliability, consistency and thoughtfulness towards others...all of which he currently does NOT possess. And this disqualifies him as "relationship ready" :-(

Cont...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Or should I drop a casual hello text and see if he takes the bait?"

Only if you want to go through a lot of drama, experience a lot of his "stuff" and possibly end up having him move on from you, as he's done to many others, because of it. This man has not changed overnight dear :-(

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much, Aphrodite, for responding to my post dated 09/20/14 11:00PM.

You answered my question in a very thorough and insightful manner, and you told me what I NEEDED to hear, not what I WANTED to hear. For that, I am truly thankful. Now I can stand firm in my decision to leave behind this insecure, self-destructive man and move forward with other suitors. Also, I just want you to know that though we are strangers, you have made an impact on my life, through your thoughtful and caring reply, and furthermore, through your blog, with its many revelations on love and relationships. I wish I could give you a hug! =)

Much appreciation,
Neena

Anonymous said...

Dear MOA,
I keep coming reading your artciles from time to time, they are really helpful, thank you very much for them. I would like to ask you a question. I know men who used to be players and now are married( looks like happily). I care about one man who is player... I am just wondering do players and other non suitors happen to be in the period of their life when they just dont want relationships and behave in such ways with women ( not gentlemanish) or i am just a wrong woman/bad timing (for me) for them if they don't want to step up/man up to be with me? For some woman they will do it for sure, right!! Thank you for your answer in advance.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 6, 2:38 PM,
"I am just wondering do players and other non suitors happen to be in the period of their life when they just dont want relationships and behave in such ways with women?"

Some of these men grow up and mature emotionally and settle down - and some never do. There's no way to predict who will and who won't. It all depends on the man's level of maturity and whether or not he's ready and/or even wants a relationship. Some eventually do settle down, but some never do and continue to act and live as bachelors well into their 60's.

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