"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go? And why hasn't he called?"

What Is A Player: Signs You’re Dating A Player





This one is going to be quick and dirty, ladies. Just the way a player likes it.

What is a player, you ask? Well, he’s a few things. He’s a man cultivating many relationships at once. He’s a man creating options for sex no matter what environment he’s in. He’s a man that plays mind games. He’s a man that is constantly “on” and working it.

He’s a touchy feely man. He’s a man that’s a braggart. He’s a man that’s egotistical. He’s an insecure man, secretly. He’s a man that’s selfish. He’s a man that cheats. He’s a man that manipulates women via their emotions. He’s a man who objectifies women (they’re sexual play toys, not human beings). Often times, he’s a misogynist (he secretly loathes women). But mostly, he’s a man that’s full of sh*t.

My apologies for being blunt, but it is what it is. And once you learn how to spot one, you’ll see this sideshow act coming from a mile away. There are a lot of them out there and they’re not just young guys. The player runs rampant amongst men in their 30’s, 40’s 50’s – across the board.

Below I’ve listed some quick tell tale signs that you’re dating a player. And if you’ve ever questioned yourself, “What is a player?” He’s the guy I’ve listed below.

Are you dating a player? Let’s find out.

So, what is a player? Below are the signs that signify you may be dating a player:

He Asks If You’re Bathroom Is Clean Before He Can Use It


If you bring him to your place for the first time and he says, “Can I use your bathroom?” And then follows it up with, “I know how you women are about leaving out underwear, bras, etc.” He has , to his delight, unexpectedly landed in a woman’s apartment many times before. A player knows that you give a woman the opportunity to hide her private stuff before you say hello to the Tidy Bowl Man.

When You’re On a Date With Him, He’s Disappears Often


If he’s constantly disappearing for the bathroom or conveniently forgetting something that he’s left in his vehicle on a regular basis, he either has severe bladder problems, is using drugs and “fixing” in those absences or is suffering from Alzheimer’s. But more realistically, you’re dating a player that’s communicating via text with another woman. If it was his buddy, he’d have no reason to leave.

If You Confront Him With A Question, He Repeats Your Question Before Answering


If you say, “Where were you last night?” and he answers by saying, “Where was I last night?” he’s buying himself an extra two or three seconds to think of a good excuse. And he only needs those few seconds to do so. A player is quick on his feet.

His Buddies Whisper To Him In Your Presence


Men generally don’t gossip. If his buddies are whispering in his ear, 9 times out of 10, they’re providing him with an update on one of his other “friends.” “Hey, I just saw Jewels over at Club X and she was with some guy.” If he suddenly splits to use the bathroom – he’s ringing Jewels.

He Often Uses Numbers When Referring To Women


If he refers to the bartender as a 5 and you as a 9, he’s objectifying women. To a player, you’re not a living creature with feelings; you’re a sexual play toy that he’s rating according to looks. Congratulations, you win – the boobie prize.

He Acts Like A Matchmaker For His Buddies




If he says ridiculous things to you like, “I help my buddies get women” then you should run. The reality is that a player screens women for his buds, test driving them first, and then helping his buddies get down their pants too by manipulating them, via what he’s already learned about them.

A player doesn’t want to help his buddy get laid without helping himself get laid first. And if his buddy wants it bad, the player, being quite competitive himself, will be sure to sleep with her first, rub it in his buddy’s face and then hand off his “seconds.”

This may sound unbelievable, but trust me, I have many male friends and I’ve witnessed this first hand on more than one occasion - the ole’ “buddy system.”

Ladies, if you’ve slept with a guy who then suggests meeting a friend that may be more suited for you, then you’re the baton about to be handed off.

He Often Loses His Cell Phone


This sounds ridiculous, I know. I mean, in this day and age, aren’t these things attached to your hip? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this lame one. “Sorry I didn’t call. I lost my phone.” Uh huh. Sorry I don’t buy it - because I haven’t lost my mind.

He Tries To Make You Feel Guilty For His Mistakes


If he’s late and you’re upset, the player will blame it on you. “You kept me on the phone too long.” Or, “You wanted me to dress up, so I dressed up” while he’s standing there in a t-shirt and jeans. No matter what, he spins it back on you. This is a true player – a master manipulator. He takes responsibility for none of his own actions and he’s not accountable for anything. He’s covered in grease and everything is always sliding off of him – and onto you.

His Cell Is On Vibrate and Hidden From View


If you’re laying on the sofa and you feel a rumble coming from his pants, chances are it’s not that he’s happy to see you – chances are, he’s hiding people from you that are trying to reach him. A player usually ignores that obvious rumble. And if it rumbles again, and again, and again – you can be sure that’s a woman trying to reach him and not Bob, down at the bar.

He Can’t Remember His Lies


If he tells you he can’t see you on Saturday because he works and then texts you on Monday and tells you he had a great time Saturday night with his buds, he’s telling so many lies and talking to so many women, he doesn’t remember who he’s told what to. A player can’t keep it straight because he’s juggling.

He Has A Cellphone Plan With All The Bells And Whistles


If he has the maximum minutes airtime plan and maximum minutes text plan, he’s probably a player. That’s an awful lot of communication capability. As a rule, many men don’t sit and chit-chat with their buddies for endless hours on the telephone. If he’s maxing out his plans, he’s definitely talking to someone, ladies. The only time this wouldn't apply is if he's a businessman, using the same phone for work and play. But the average Joe - he's not talking and texting another Joe for hours on end.

He Doesn’t Stay For Breakfast


If you’ve invited him into your humble abode and you wake the next morning only to find him dressing and about to run out the door, blabbering about his busy day ahead of him (a video game session with his buds and some Cheetos calling his name), he’s comfortable with the “hit and run” because he’s done it many times before. A player does the dirty deed and then bolts.

He Has Brand New Toothbrushes On Hand


The player is prepared for the one night stand. After many experiences with them, he knows that if you can get up and brush your teeth, he might get morning sex from you, too.

He Cancels Plans At The Last Minute


A player always has something better coming along, and most times, it’s the “easy girl” offering herself up for the evening.

He Tries To Make Plans At The Last Minute


That’s because he said or did something ignorant that upset the “easy girl” and he blew that opportunity for the evening – so now it’s your turn in the rotation. A player can’t make plans in advance because another “easy girl” may offer herself up in the interim.

He Only Texts Or Calls Late At Night Or In The Wee Hours Of The Morning


We all know this one. It has booty call or friends with benefits written all over it.

This is a true players favorite move. He's compelled to act this way, he can't help it. His desires must be met and to him, there's no shame in that. If you accuse him of this, he'll toss out an "I love you baby" just to get in the damn door. Ahh, the true player.

Here's how you handle this one. Tell him to come right over – and be quick about it because you can’t wait to see him – and then go to bed and don’t answer the door.

When he calls you to get you to come to the door - text him that you lost your phone.

He Doesn’t Answer His Phone In Your Presence


That’s because he can’t. It’s another woman ringing that phone and he can’t have that conversation in front of you. If it was really his buddy, a player would be sure to answer that call because he’d be afraid he might be missing something. A player always wants to be where the action is.

He’s Quick On His Feet


The player has an answer for everything and he’s quick with the comeback. Remember ladies, while you were out there cultivating social skills and grace – he was slumming it and cultivating skills of deceit, trickery and manipulation – and he’s damn good at it. Practice makes perfect.

He’s Non-Apologetic


A player doesn’t apologize, he shifts blame. And no matter how bad he’s hurt you or how awful he was to you the night before, he’ll never apologize for his behavior. He’s worked hard at developing swagger and he isn’t about to let that all go down the drain. He’s got a rep to protect and breaking hearts only adds to it.

He Looks Like The Cat That Ate The Canary And Wears A Cheshire Grin




The player has swagger and swagger is usually accompanied by a constant grin – a smirk. The smirk has an inkling of guilt to it, too. A player just looks guilty and many times, has a nervous laugh. Much like the cat that ate the canary, a slight smile that indicates he’s content with himself, accompanied by upturned lips that signify he’s earned his rewards via nefarious deeds. Think of the “Cheshire Cat” in Alice in Wonderland. It’s akin to the “I know something you don’t know” look.

Now, some of these are instant red flags. Others are more subtle and require a combination of a few. However, if your gut started tingling while reading this and you could relate to 4 or more of the above attributes being used in conjunction with one another - then there's a good chance you're being played. But don't go around playing your cards (appearing insecure) by lashing out with accusations - simply sit back in silence and observe.

If you really want to know if you're dating a player, listen to your gut. Women's intuition is very rarely incorrect, ladies.

So now I ask you. . .are you dating a player?

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174 Comments:

Damba said...

How do women players behave. I come from a country where they are plenty.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Damba,
Most of the above applies to women as well. Female players will act much the same. They will diappear often, they'll be quick on their feet, they won't answer the phone in your presence, they won't remember their lies, they may keep their cell phone hidden, etc.

One major difference, however, is that if you catch them or question them, a female player may come up with a really great, believable story that seems plausible but then one day, you find out it was a complete lie.

I believe, women are better at lieing than men. Watch closely though, if she can't hold a gaze, eye to eye, and her mouth drops slightly open - chances are she's giving you a line of bull.

And any player, male or female, will always "butter you up" pretty good. Compliments will abound, they'll use plenty of charming behavior, they'll tell you how wonderful you are all the time, etc.

So if it seems to good to be true - keep your eyes peeled.

Anonymous said...

OMG, I've been reading through your posts, I just found this site and I think it's awesome, thank you. This read really hits home. I've encountered the "matchmaker" recently only to find out that what you've written here about that one is so very true.

Wish I woulda found this earlier.

Anonymous said...

The Text message photo had me rolling! Wow. Im dating a player who has done most of these things. He's looked at his phone as it rang a few times and the name "Melissa" showed up. I asked him who it was and he said "I told you I have female friends" except Melissa called at 9:30 pm and he started an argument and left 15 minutes after the phone call. He's done more but there is not a lot of room to list it all. All I want is to meet someone nice and not a player in this lifetime before i die. I wish I has never met this sorry excuse for a human being. Lovely article and yes I'm still laughing at that tex message photo lol rofl

Anonymous said...

This is pretty good. Basically, player = narcissist. Run while you still have your mind, body, spirit, and emotions intact.

annonymous said...

Please help me out :(

So I've been dating my bf for two years now and I can say he has pulled the disappearing and reappearing stunts and me being me I was always ready to let it slide.I'm the one who initiates communication in this relationship,always texting and calling.He blames this on being super "busy" that he sometimes dsnt see me for weeks on end yet we live in the same city.When he does,its an hour max or when I'm lucky enough he invites me for a sleepover for which I leave the ff morning.What happened recently is he ignored my calls/texts for a week and a half disappearing on me then resurfaced,sent a text for which he blamed a hectic schedule and he was out of town(for which this was news to me)..2 days later he sent another text simply saying "I'm back".please help cause I dnt know how to handle this??its all so confusing and I feel like I'm being taken for granted here.I am a very nice girl,he himself has told me countlesss times I'm so sweet,maybe that's the problem.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Yes, you're too nice - and nice girls finish last. He's treating you poorly because you're permitting him to do so. Why are there no consequences for his bad behavior? If you had a child or a dog who misbehaved, would you not show them consequences for their misbehavior? You are enabling him to mistreat you by accepting it.

Honestly, based on what you wrote here, I don't think I'd consider him a boyfriend. I'd consider him to be a guy you date occassionally. This is not how a boyfriend behaves or treats his girlfriend. He's treating you like some girl he knows that he dates occassionally and I'm not sure he would refer to you as his girlfriend if asked by others, based upon how he's treating you.

First of all, stop doing all the work. Stop calling, texting, pursuing and chasing him. Men look at women who do that as desperate and they tend to disrespect desperate women.

Next, when he disappears - so do you. You don't call or text and when he contacts you - you don't answer. If he disappeared for a week, you don't answer for a week. If he disappeared for 3 days, you take 3 days to return that call or text. That's how you balance a relationship and that's also how you signal to him that there will be consequences for his poor treatment of you - and those consequences will be. . .the same treatment he gives to you - he gets from you.

There are some things you need to think about. Why do you accept this treatment for yourself? Who do you not feel you deserve better? Why do you not demand better for yourself? Why do you make it easy for him to mistreat you? Why are there no consequences from you towards him for his poor treatment of you? Why are you tolerating this? And why do you consider him to be your boyfriend when he's not behaving like one and conducting himself as a man you only date occassionally? Why are you not angry enough to leave him? Why are you making yourself available to him for booty calls? Why do you not love yourself enough to leave him?

Please think about all those things and think about yourself here. You're not looking out for yourself at all. If I were being treated like this by a man - he'd never see me again. Period, case closed.

As long as you continue to accept poor treatment, poor treatment is all you'll ever get from him. Please seriously consider cutting him loose. Do this for yourself and you'll feel much better. He's affecting your self-esteem and your permitting it to happen.

Find yourself a guy who will appreciate you and treat you as valuable. You deserve much better than this.

annonymous said...

U have given me a lot to think about..there were times when out of the blue he's accuse me of cheating and I had no clue why.He'd just get mad and tell me I'm chatting with no base of this accusation.The other day his bbm accidentally deleted contacts and to this day he hasn't re-invited me,I asked why is this he told me I like complaining and he had like a few contacts he has re-added.I dnt know guess I was naïve enough to believe he was genuinely busy and I supported him in all his endevours.as much as this hurts I guess I got to free myself because this is hell.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
You know, I hate to say this, but I'm going to because I think it may help you. But when someone makes unwarranted accusations towards you of cheating - nine times out of ten, it's because that's what THEY are doing. So they assume that everyone is out there behaving as they are. It's called "projecting." He may be projecting his sins onto you. So keep that in mind, especially if he has no basis for these accusations he's making.

And if he hasn't added you to his BBM, do not consider yourself his girlfriend any longer. Think about that. What guy, in his right mind, would not add his girlfriend? Someone he loves or cares about? That's insane.

You like complaining, he says? Well, he likes acting shady and making baseless accusations and disappearing. Who wouldn't complain about behaviors such as that? Don't fall for that from him. He's manipulating you by attempting to make you feel guilty. When he's the one creating the sitatuions, not you. So don't let him project that onto you either, it's not your fault.

He sounds extremely shady, cruel and mean. Don't give a guy like that any of your attention. He doesn't deserve it. You get what you give in life. Plain and simple.

annonymous said...

Thank u so much,I appreciate all your advice and talking about this has lifted some of the weight of my shoulders.That would explain why he wouldn't answer my calls or cut me off and not even bother returning.
In the midst of this confusion,uve been the only one making sense.I felt so alone and confused.thank u

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Don't sweat this one, sweety. If you decide to pull away, after you grieve the loss, trust me, you're going to look back on this all and be like, "WTF was I thinking? He's a piece o' sh*t and treated me like crap. What did I see in him anyway?"

And the sooner you end this, the sooner you'll be free to find a man who will treat you as you deserve to be treated - and once you are treated well by a man, you will NEVER permit this type of treatment from one ever again.

Take control here and you'll feel even better. You'll see.

Anonymous said...

''Tell him to come right over – and be quick about it because you can’t wait to see him – and then go to bed and don’t answer the door.

When he calls you to get you to come to the door - text him that you lost your phone.''

OMG..I Love this part. I wish I did it when the x-jerk I used to see asked me to have sex for last time before we finised. oh Mirror you are a wonderful model of how strong women should be :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Well thank you! Every woman is capable of this, you just have to love yourself enough to be your best self is all :-)

When people (err. . men) call me a bitch, I thank them. Because to me, it means this, an explanation many of you may have already heard:

BITCH = Babe In Total Control of Herself

And there you go hehe ;-)

annonymous said...

The Mirror of Aphrodite
Its me again!!I think he has a kid too..apparently on the bbm he deleted me from he made a newborn baby his Display picture caption "here for a reason"..so I asked him about it and he was like its his sister's baby.Everything in my body screams liar bt I have no concrete evidence its his.I have no way of finding out either because I've never met his family and the friends I know of aren't to be trusted.
Its now too much for me,is it wise if I just keep quiet and walk away cause what's the use of talking when all I get is more lies,I'll never know whose baby that is and he's sure that I'm just a fool.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
The only way to get to know someone is by spending time with them. If you spend time with him and he's always pushing for sex, then chances are he's a player. However, if he's willing to spend time with you, without pressuring you for sex, then he probably genuinely likes you.

Anonymous said...

It's very nice post! And I think I 'd figure him out by time, but I believe in my instinct though. :)

wait...why I feel like the sign is something that I also have done to him. LOL

Anonymous said...

Oh my God ,this is my STORY...I have this B*****d,who is all the above,known him for the last 2 yrs.I thought this was a relationship made in heaven.He was going through a bad patch in life,getting a divorce and I stood by him,like a pillar.I have put up so much of his sarcastic comments,he has been rude and yet I over looked it a million times,( excusing him,and saying to myself,he is busy or he is upset).I'm a epitome of Generosity,since he lived alone and missed Home ( India) I would cook for him,Indian dishes and call him over for lunch or dinner.One day he has the gal to tell me,He has found a Asian ( chinese)girl and is dating her!!!! He even made plans to take her to Paris and propose to her there.He took her to Montreal Canada and stayed for the 4th of July weekend !!!He was still keeping in touch with me.I backed off completely from the relationship,After a gap of 4 months,He was there at my door !!! Dumbo that I'm,I welcomed him warm heartedly and guess what...I forgave him yet again. I know its so Pathetic...Right now I'm cursing myself...where the hell was my self respect?? why did I give in so easily?? was I so vulnerable?? I should have just walked off.Everything seemed okay from then onwards,but not for long,He started to avoid me again.This time I caught him red handed,at the Indian Grocery store,he was there with this other Indian woman!! He totally Ignored me,we crossed each other and I was royally ignored,what audacity!!The revenge I took on him was worth it :P.I love to write,I opened an account on many online sites,under his name,even uploaded his picture and I wrote a lengthy "True story" about this guy,and mailed them to all his Ex's and Buddies !!! LOl

Anonymous said...

This article describes a very obvious player. There is a much more dangerous type. He's the sweetest guy you'll ever meet. Not gorgeous, but not hard on the eyes. He is respectful, kind, thoughtful. Looks at you like you're the best thing in the world. He will tell you about how lonely he is, how it's hard to meet a woman he can respect, he will compliment everything you do. Meanwhile, he is doing the same thing to every woman he knows. This one is hard to spot, but trust your gut! Something will feel like it doesn't add up. These guys often use a trick to make you feel emotionally attached to them. They will sometimes leave you in the cold (ignore you if you meet by chance, take too long to answer a txt or phonecall, somehow make you feel like you don't matter), then just as you are about to become angry about having been treated this way, he will make contact and make you feel good. Like txt: Hi! Sorry I couldn't chat (insert plausible excuse here). It was so good to see you!!! The key is to make you feel bad then make you feel great by making contact and at the same time make you feel guilty for feeling angry. This creates a very strong emotional bond in a woman, and makes you easier to manipulate.
They will often use the words "respect" and 'trust' in their communication. They will send you friendship and warm and fuzzy e mail forwards because they know we eat that up.
Trust yourself! If you're always trying to prove to yourself that there's something worthwhile there, it's likely that it's not there! good luck!

Anonymous said...

This is so vary true what Anonymous said about another type of player that is less obvious. The obvious players are easier to spot and you quickly realize that they just want one thing while the guy that plays the 'nice guy' may appear to be marriage material as he says all the right things and is somewhat patient to become physical with certain women kinda romancing them into it, meanwhile it's the same scenario, his actions are very different from his words. He will express romantic sentiment towards you and then not call or text for a week, not make plans ahead of time, but perhaps make that one call per week just to see if your available on the weekend so that he can keep all his options open and still not completely closing the deal with you as far as plans are concerned - you may be left wondering "so do we have plans for this weekend?"- and when you try to contact him to finalize those plans he doesn't answer or return your calls or text. Most likely he already has a ready made excuse for this like he's always on his phone with business and then goes straight to bed, or his phone doesn't work in his residence.

Michaellyn Ragan said...

I've had more than my fair share of players. The last one that I just dealt with. One of his flavor of the moment who thinks she's his "girlfriend" started harassing me on twitter the other day. He wasn't forthcoming or honest with either one of us about the other woman or other women. Players are wolves in sheep's clothing.

Anonymous said...

Very true of a player is all the above. Worst yet not only does he blame you he will also blame his children, other relatives or friends. The most horrific disturbed ones will plead and cry to you desperately saying, "It's not you it's me, it's all me!", initially appearing to take responsiblity then after you have succumed to this form of trickery and talk it out he fills you with compliments and affection and then amazingly turns the table on to you, with the common statement, "I don't know if you can ever trust." And you feel compelled to prove that you can trust because you want that affection and you want to believe he's being sincere. Not only will he manipulate you and other women they also manipulate their own children or friends who are dependent upon them by any means they see fit, physically or emotionally. The most common words he will use are "Trust Me" As you may have noticed trust is his favorite topic and incidently accuses you of not trusting him for no apparent reason that you can decifer in the beginning...but later you will find it is his ace card to manipulate circumstances he sees fit. You can try ignoring or laughing off the things he says or does that were meant to piss you off so he could make time for the other women but that is dangerous with a serious player as they will go to extremes appearing drunk and argumentative and storm out leavin you crying and your gas burners on .. so he can deny it later and possibly get in your good graces/panties sooner than later. He wants to keep you hanging as long as possible without a commitment or with a false promise and you will either reduce yourself to friends with benefits or get wise and retain your dignity and shut him down even if it hurts. The bond is painful but it is breakable.He won't pursue you if he thinks you are pursuing him - some drive bys and hang up phone calls will keep him at bay while at the same time you relieve yourself of the pain as the bondage you fell into will gradually over time untie you and set you free. My advice is "Don't be the easy-one to get the boobie prize." Sincerely yours aka sweetcheeks.

Anonymous said...

@Michaellyn same here nasty patsy is the nickname he gave her and she's been posing as other men who want to be friends on facebook. I'm not spectulating either as I know all her former last names. If it's not her he's manipulating his teen to do it for him because the most important rule a player has is not to get caught playing, if I'm preoccupied with other things I can't catch him. Little does he realize I don't need to. Actions always speak louder than words. Believe them - the actions that is. Aka sweetcheeks

Anonymous said...

Hi

I have been seeing a guy I met online for a month he messages me silly funny picture messages me every other day. I reply with one then all goes quiet unless I ask him how he is going.

We have met up a few times things get heated then nothing happens (no sex

I met up with him again on the weekend. His phone kept going off I questioned it he said it was some crazy girl he was seeing she keeps contacting him but he is not interested and has been over for 2 months tho he seemed annoyed by it ended up turning off his phone.

He is affectionate holding hands and stuff when I see him
I tried to end it and said I thought we shouldnt see each other anymore (I have a bad gut feeling)

He called n text me until I responded and talked me round..

When i see him He says he can't believe I'm single and said I could basicLly have any guy I wanted why am I online? I'm a dream woman apparently.

Anyway hE is still online ( as mentioned I set up a fake profile) he said he had a date that night that was boring and talking crap...

If he was keen why is he pursuing and dating other women... Is he playing me??? I'm so confused :(


To cut a long story short he is still online picking up women. I know it's wrong but I set up a fake profile and he responded very quickly n sent me his private pics.

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous ...how old is this man?

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, how true this is. I myself have repeatedly been in similar scenarios ending up brokenhearted. I wonder whether these men ever feel anything, any guilt or remorse for the woman. I wish I could turn back the clock and dump them without having sex with them. I wish one day when they are older a young beautiful woman will do that to them, they don´t deserve any better.

star said...

Very true indeed. It´s a coincidence I´ve come across this site right at this moment. You know what has happened.. I´ve just ditched a player before having sex with him! Coincidence, isn´t it? I am sorry about this whole thing because I liked this man much, had butterflies with him, even chased him. He was gentlemanly but too pushy and my gut feeling was protesting. I´ve been searching the internet for players and this article is the best I´ve found. You are doing a great job, whoever you are mirror. Now my question is does this player I´ve ditched feels anything? What is the state of his mind now? I know it´over or rather, it wasn´t anything in the first place but I´d like to know what´s your attitude. I´ll look forward to your answer, thanks.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Star,
Sadly, the answer is, probably not. And if he does feel anything at all over it, it would most likely simply be a bruised ego and some tortured pride.

Because you see dear, players aren't looking for relationships. They're only looking for hookups, brief flings and a good time.

Translation: Players like to "play."

They're not in it to settle down with someone so when things fail, they simply move on and keep playing.

Which is why men like that are a complete and total waste of a good woman's time.

Anonymous said...

The best way to cease a player from your life is to wait 2-3 months to sleep with any man. Most players don't wait that long, and will already be on the prowl for another victim after month 1. Some guys are better at it too especially the highly intelligent ones. They appear too good to be true: handsome, intelligent, and have great conversation skills. If they know a woman is looking for a relationship, they will pretend like they care about getting to know you. After a while, it will be all about getting into your underwear. If they don't succeed, they disappear.

Anonymous said...

Wow. All great advice. Im going through this right now and just found out the guy I was dating is also dating another woman. Hes the quiet, smart type that hides behind his job to cover up for lack of communication. Tries really hard in the beginning, then slowly pulls away to accomodate more women. And its interesting that I found out all these women are successful, beautiful.... yet he gets away with it. Sometimes I dont understand how thats possible. Im glad I realized it only 1.5 months in and can walk away. However, this w a s the second round for us and i believed the first excuse that he had a major family issue. Its going to take a lot of will power, but I know I deserve better.
Any suggestions to make this a quicker process to move on would be helpful. And how long until I can trust again is my only concern.
Thx

Anonymous said...

Yes, the worst thing about being played is that a woman feels hurt and abused after the break-up. My advice is to continue dating regardless. Meeting new man is a must although it seems ipossible at the moment. And a kind of solice is that as you can see on this blog there are many more woman who have been in the same situation so you are not alone.

Anonymous said...

Honestly, the most often reason why I think man will disappear is because another woman came into the picture. A man will stay around if he is trying to have sex with you and lack options, but if another woman comes into the picture he will try to focus the game on her.Hence, he is spread thin especially on the weekend, and you will notice the communication changes. Then its really game on.

Anonymous said...

oh you are goooooooooood.. i love your article...i wish i could have read it 2 years ago...i left him , he plead me and then he started to ask me to spend days at his home..even for a month..but something told me that he still played that game of his..so i left again. He text me 3 times via web and did not answer it. But on the 4th attempt i respond with the same style he did..i waited for 30 minutes to see what he wanted to say to me but ..nothing. i felt so stupid. i gave him the reinsurance he wanted...i wish i had read your article about NC for 30 days rule...so now i will start from the beginning.i lost 15 days of nc for nothing....i am sorry but he needs some kind of wake up call....does any one else have any kind of advise? Thank you all for your time.

Anonymous said...

would look really "sorry".Eventually one night while clubbing he was jealous of his friend showing me attention I asked "Why do you care?". He said "I dont wish to hurt you" and I told him how I liked him for who he is then-TEARS were streaming down his face. I was shocked. He said he was touched by what I said. That night was the first time we had sex (5 months since first kiss). We started going out but he only contacts me once a week. We would watch a movie and after the movie I tried to suggest dinner but he would make up an excuse and go homE.. I treated him coldly for a month. He then asked me "Why has your attitude changed?". Me:"You like playing games and manipulating people, I am sick of it". Him: "I might do that sometimes but not to the extent that makes me a bad person". a week later at a party he started kissing me and then stopped halfway.then he asked me to a side saying"I have never been in love, during my past relationships I have only liked them but not loved any girl. I feel really comfortable with you,how do you feel when you're with me? We can give it a try…" I agreed. we had sex that night&next day we went church together and I asked him if he meant what he said and he said he still remembers everything and was shocked I did not believe him-and hugged me. The next weekend we went on a nice date whereby he was sweet and caring. The next wkend I fell ill but he didn't care and took 2 days to reply my text (I found out he was playing board games with his guy friends).I let it slide and he invited me to have dinner with his colleagues - he introduced me to everyone,we were holding hands but he would let go when his colleague was looking at us. One day he calls to say he will swing by to see me, I did not hear from him until at night I called him he texted me saying he was smoking &watching a movie with his guy friends (I confirmed this to be the truth).he tried contacting me the next day I replied saying how I waited in vain for him-he called me and said he was sorry and wants to make it up to me. I said we can stop this- but he insisted on making it up. He tried contacting me but I took hours to reply and said we could meet for dinner instead. Hhe said e would come after football and smoking(he was doing whatever suited him best) Eventually he came that night in the rain with food and saying he would spend more time with me and not hurt me anymore. We had sex& he was still really worried about how I felt and kept asking if I am angry at him. The next week he would try to talk to me.during the weekend he said he was going clubbing with his guy friends-he suggested we meet the next day. I said okay have fun on your night out. Next day I did not hear from him until the evening saying he is feeling lethargic and busy with his dad's birthday,he said "Let's do something next week for sure". By this time I was fed up with his "flakey" behaviour and replied saying I do not wish to see him again. He texted me an essay saying how things can improve between us- I said I want to leave him before he hurts me further. After 3 months, he came back-asking me if I wanted to go church with him-I said I am not sure and did not reply afterwards. All his friends kept said he likes me but is too much of a coward to invest. e is a heavy weed smoker which weakens his willpower-he is often insecure &overly dependent on weed (3 times a week) What are your thoughts please?

Anonymous said...

This guy and I were friends for 2months and his friends say he likes me. One night we kissed. Then He tried games to sleep with me for 3 months to which I would said no everytime. One evening we started opening up about our lives-he asked me if my ex was still in touch with me (I said no he wasn't and he was happy about that). throughout our conversation he found out I am really not an easy girl as I have only slept with 1person in my life thus far. He stopped asking me to have sex with him and we fell asleep. We did not speak for a month and when he saw me he would look really "sorry".Eventually one night while clubbing he was jealous of his friend showing me attention I asked "Why do you care?". He said "I dont wish to hurt you" and I told him I like him for who he is-TEARS were streaming down his face. I was shocked. He said he was touched by what I said. That night was the first time we had sex (5 months since first kiss). We started going out but he only contacts me once a week. We would watch a movie& after the movie I tried to suggest dinner but he would make up an excuse and go homE.. I treated him coldly for a month. He then asked me "Why has your attitude changed?". Me:"You like playing games and manipulating people, I am sick of it". Him: "I might do that but not to the extent that makes me a bad person". a week later at a party he kissed me and stopped halfway.then he asked me to a side saying"I have never been in love, during my past relationships I have only liked them but not loved any girl. I feel really comfortable with you,how do you feel when you're with me? We can give it a try" I agreed. we had sex that night&next day we went church together and I asked him if he meant what he said and he said he still remembers everything and was shocked I did not believe him-and hugged me. The next weekend we went on a nice date whereby he was sweet and caring. The next wkend I fell ill but he didn't care and took 2 days to reply my text (I found out he was playing board games with his guy friends).I let it slide and he invited me to have dinner with his colleagues - he introduced me to everyone,we were holding hands but he would let go when his colleague was looking at us. One day he calls to say he will swing by to see me, I did not hear from him until at night I called him he texted saying he was smoking &watching a movie with his guy friends (I confirmed this to be the truth).he tried contacting me the next day I replied saying how I waited in vain for him-he called me and said he was sorry and wants to make it up to me. I said we can stop this- but he insisted on making it up. He tried contacting me but I took hours to reply and said we could meet for dinner instead. Hhe said e would come after football and smoking(he was doing whatever suited him best) Eventually he came that night in the rain with food and saying he would spend more time with me and not hurt me anymore. We had sex& he was still really worried about how I felt and kept asking if I am angry at him. The next week he would try to talk to me.during the weekend he said he was going clubbing with his guy friends-he suggested we meet the next day. I said okay have fun on your night out. Next day I did not hear from him until the evening saying he is feeling lethargic and busy with his dad's birthday,he said "Let's do something next week for sure". By this time I was fed up with his "flakey" behaviour and replied saying I do not wish to see him again. He texted me an essay saying how things can improve between us- I said I want to leave him before he hurts me further. After 3 months, he came back-asking me if I wanted to go church with him-I said I am not sure and did not reply afterwards. All his friends kept said he likes me but is too much of a coward to invest. e is a heavy weed smoker which weakens his willpower-he is often insecure &overly dependent on weed (3 times a week) What are your thoughts please?

Anonymous said...

I ran into my ex at a company I didn't even reacize him he look different.to me.we end up having sex three months ago.he disappear.I stop calling.I'm older then him 11yrs older.now he suffering now cause I don't fuck wit him no more I demand respect.hes kissing my ass now.I'm old school

Anonymous said...

Well my ex broke up with me about a month ago. I will spare all the details…but lets just say we lived together and we were fighting a lot..had an abortion incident, he started acting shady and the sex went down. He finally broke up with me and told me that I made him realize that he is not meant for relationships, that he needs to be single..blah blah.

This has been going on for 3 years. On and off, always a new excuse and he’s always breaking up with me and me always looking for him..so we get back together.

I was actually out with my gfs last Friday and to my surprise I spot my ex with 4 girls standing in line to get into a bar. I kept my cool and kept walking. Some short, thick, ok looking girl was in front of him and he kinda held her waist. I ignored it and went on to the next bar.

I thought I wouldn’t see him again, BUT, on my way to the car he passes right passed me and that girl is holding on to him, I think they were holding hands, not sure. But she was nothing amazing to look at!! WTF. So I didn’t say anything until 2 days after. I confronted him in text:

me: It was refreshing to see how quickly you move to ANYTHING. like I said not even a month…Its like you already had this girl. What we had was a lie and you threw everything away.

Him:I’m glad that it was refreshing to you…I wasn’t trying to accomplish anything but please no more…if you text me don’t let it be for this.

Him: what we had was not a lie & it isn’t. I didn’t throw it away for anybody, it cant be replaced so stop.

I mean seriously he doesn’t even seem like he’s panicking or cares that I seen him! WTF do those texts even mean??? I hate him.

Prior to these texts he had the nerve to text me that there isn’t a day that he doesn’t think of me or having kept the baby. But he puts no effort in reaching out to me

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 26, 4:14 PM,
"he’s always breaking up with me and me always looking for him"

NEVER chase a man dear, EVER. You completely give away your power and men interpret that as "desperate" - as if you have no other options in men available to you. Don't ever give a man that impression about yourself.

"But she was nothing amazing to look at!! WTF."

Regardless of what men lead women to believe, it's never about looks - it's always about the "feelings" that the woman elicits in the man:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/04/dating-tips-persuasion-influence.html

"I confronted him in text"

Again, never give away your power like that. Never let a man know that he's gotten to you and never be confrontational in those situations because your reaction only reassures him that you care. Because if you didn't care, you wouldn't be upset. So all you're doing there is reassuring him that he's got control over you.

"he doesn’t even seem like he’s panicking or cares that I seen him! WTF do those texts even mean???"

That's because he doesn't care sweetie :-( He's told you that it's over, which is why you need to stop chasing him and confronting him and showing him that you care and that there's no other man in your life. He's interpreting all of this behavior from you as "desperate" and it's diminishing his attraction for you.

What would be much more attractive to him is if you didn't react in a negative way at all, stood strong and moved on from him and began dating other men. That would make HIM think about YOU:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/12/ex-boyfriend-new-girlfriend-what-to-do.html

"But he puts no effort in reaching out to me"

He doesn't have to dear - because YOU are doing all of the reaching out FOR HIM. How can he miss you when you keep yourself on his radar like that? He will not miss you or think of you or have regrets or a desire to reconcile until you disappear, reject him and begin dating other men:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

Anonymous said...

You give wonderful advice. I have been with my bf for about two years now. He came off as the very nice,polite guy. Low key, and i never expected he was the player type. One day i looked through his phone and found texts to and from other women.it seems he is always on the prowl getting phone numbers. Now he keeps his phone locked and out of sight.he actually took another woman out to eat!
I know I deserve better but it is so hard when you love someone. Thank you for this blog.

Anonymous said...

Mirror I so hope you can help me! I'm going crazy!

I met this guy last year, we stayed in touch for months via text. We discussed meeting up a couple of times but it never worked out. Rather than standing me up, he just bailed on the idea. Then he disappeared for months! Got back in touch and the texting and consideration for meeting up happened all over again (but less frequently).

Then this weekend we finally see each-other! I was out with friends and so was he and came to the bar I was in.

The thing is, the day before a friend of mine told me she met someone who knows him (this was of interest as I have no mutual friends with him). This girl had said that he was a player and did drugs. So I had text him soon after hearing this (maybe to scare him who knows) to let him know I had heard some things about him but when he asked I wouldn't say what they were.

However, when we saw each-other in this bar and he asked, fuelled by a few too many tequilas...I told him. He was pretty defensive and he said "I'll be back in a minute" and it turns out he left.

I was furious and we ended the night with a 2 hour text rant. Me acknowledging he had left, him saying he did so because he felt I had already made an opinion of him that he couldn't change. That I'd made him feel like shit. I replied by saying how was that true when I'd stayed in touch all this time and he said things such as I really liked you, was looking forward to get to know you but you decided to listen to someone else's opinion rather than figure it out yourself. He acknowledged he'd been rubbish at meeting up but said he had his reason. The conversation ended less aggressive both of us sort of pining for what could have been.

In the morning, reading things through I realised I had been quite harsh with my words so I've since apologised. I'm taking all the blame saying I hope he didn't think I was judging him or accusing him anyway he's not replied and I'm riddled with guilt.

So my question is...how do I work out whether I should feel guilty? In my opinion one of two things has happened. 1. He is genuinely upset that someone had that opinion of him and I've offended him thus he doesn't want to reply OR 2. he is actually just a player and he's using this as an excuse to make his exit.

How do I know? What do you think?

Anonymous said...

Hi, I am so glad that I can ask for advice from you because I feel heartbroken at the minute! I met a guy online and we have now been on seven dates and stayed away for a weekend. he still lives at home (he is 31) and I have stayed there four times and sat downstairs chatting to his mum and she refers to us as a couple! I asked this guy what was going on between us and we agreed to 'see each other' but not date or text other people. we said we wouldn't go back on the dating website as we are now seeing each other. this guy only texts me late at night (after 10pm) and he never arranges beforehand when to see me. My friend suggested that we set up a fake onine profile so we did and the picture of the girl was stunning. I didn't think this guy I was seeing would reply to this fake girls profile but he did and asked her questions meaning he obviously wants a response. the same night he messages this fake girls profile, he had rung me at 11pm and asked to see me either Friday or Saturday depending on when his mates are out. please help me as I am heartbroken and I thought this guy was kind of my partner (boyfriend). why did he message the girl? why does he only text late at night? Is he using me? he does take me out for dinner and cinema etc...not always sex! Please help me as I feel lost and no one to talk to about it because I am embarrassed as my family think he is now my boyfriend and my friends think it is going well. what should I do? xxxx

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 30, 9:54 PM,
Well sweetie, you've been lied to :-(

The question is not "why did he message this girl" and "why does he only text late at night" or "is he using me?"

The question is - what are YOU going to DO about it?

Who cares why, that doesn't matter. All that matters are the facts. And the fact is:

1) He lied to you
2) He's communicating with other women on that dating site
3) He hasn't brought down his profile there or deactivated it
4) He has misled you (to believe you're exclusive)

Those are the facts. And based on those facts and his behavior here, he's most likely doing the same thing with other women as well.

He's got to go dear :-(

He's shown, through his character as a man, that he's not trustworthy, that he lies easily and that he's not a man of his word. You can't "fix" that. Nothing you do can make him interested and/or want to be with you. Do not pound your head against the wall thinking that another "talk" is going to fix this and do not attempt to hang in there and give him the benefit of the doubt.

If you do that, you're going to walk right into a situation where this man will have a very high likelihood of betraying you - and hurting you - and it's all going to happen because you hung in there. If you walk now, you avoid getting hurt even more than you've already been hurt.

You can't fix guys like this, they are who they are. And unfortunately, this one's a liar. And if you "talk" to him about it, he's only going to feed you more lies to save his ass here so he can have his cake and eat it too.

He's not worth it dear. He's already proved what he's like as a man, he's already proved that his character is lacking - he's already failed you.

Time to move on sweetie :-(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 30, 7:59 AM,
Well, in cases such as this dear, you have to look at previous behavior to help measure a decision. And his previous behavior and actions actually fall in line with that of "a player" - "Rather than standing me up, he just bailed on the idea. Then he disappeared for months!"

Had there been more positive behavior in the past from him, then it'd be easier to lean towards giving him the benefit of the doubt here. But based on his previous actions and behavior with you, he's acted more like a flaky player in the past than a genuinely interested gentleman.

And based on prior behavior and his reaction here, it appears he's attempting to manipulate you by making you feel guilty - another one of the players frequently used tactics.

Add to that the fact that you DID apologize and attempt to give him the benefit of the doubt here - and instead of acting maturely about it and addressing it with you in open conversation - he, yet again, disappeared instead. Another "player" indication - bolting like lightening instead of working things out.

So add this all up dear:

1) Inability to commit to a meeting early on in the dating phase.

2) A months long "disappearing act."

3) A "reappearance" that did not include a proper date invitation to make amends (as a gentleman would do) but instead, included a "meet you at the bar" situation - where he once again ultimately bailed instead of maturely handling the situation.

4) A refusal to accept and/or entertain an apology from you accompanied by a mature, open conversation about the matter.

5) Yet another disappearance.

When you step back and look at the big picture here dear - I don't see much of anything positive that indicates that he deserves the benefit of the doubt here :-(

If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck - chances are - it's a duck.

Anonymous said...

Next time Girls/Women, try to find a man who has substance and not just looks. This will help you avoid the Players, and have a decent love life. There are men of substance who are exciting, too. Even though the majority of women I dated were beautiful with substance, I would date an unattractive woman if she was brilliant, athletic, funny or hopefully both. Beautiful women with average or low IQ are unreliable and poor long-term mates, as they are typically emotionally immature and less reliable. These women usually seek good looking guys first and then whine when they are cheated on -told you.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

This man above makes some very good points ladies. And I firmly believe that the better looking individuals in life, male and female (not all, but many) tend to rely too much on their looks and, as a result, do not work on their social skills, maturity level and personality. They're banking 100% on their looks alone - and many times, you end up with a pretty face, an empty brain and tons of drama (because we all know how much people who lack in other areas of life tend to make up for it by filling the void with drama, drama, drama).

Give the good guys a chance, ladies. Give the "geeks" and the "nerds" of the world a chance, give the average guys a chance and give the nice guys a chance - those are the ones that make for good mates. The pretty boys, macho men and arrogant punks of the world are just another pretty face in the end.

And it's always all about them - and never you.

Looks fade, personalities don't. And when you're old and gray, stuck sitting on the sofa staring at each other with your walkers by your side - you at least want to be able to converse and enjoy the company of your mate.

If the looks fade and there's an empty, hollow shell that remains - you're not going to be happy years later with this individual.

Anonymous said...

I'd like to add to Mirror's May 31 at 5 11 post. Just don't base ANYTHING on looks. Sometimes the best looking men are NOT the players because they have nothing to prove whereas the nerdier type has insecurities and does have to be a player because of it. Let the person SHOW you who they are regardless of looks (don't judge a book by it's cover) and treat them accordingly.

Anonymous said...

I was married 26 years and been divorced now for 5. I am just starting to date. It scares me what is out there. I am worried that I could be dating a player so appreciate the advice I have read here. Is it me and not trusting, my ex accused me of things I didn't do and found he was dating while we were separated. Does this make me not trusting. Thank you

Anonymous said...

Mirror I wrote the message on May 30th, 7.59pm.

First thanks for your response. I guess a part of me suspected the conclusion you came to. But here's the thing...I still haven't heard back since my apology and in fact (hangs head in shame) I may have reached out again...at 1am in the morning asking if we could chat.

Now he's just deleted me from Facebook which just shows me he has no intention of getting in touch or wanting to stay in touch.

How can I feel anything but s**t. Not only does this mean there's no possible hope of a reconciliation, I feel like I should never have given him a second chance after he disappeared the first time.

So, I'm guessing I'll never hear from him again but how do I deal with the rejection? Because I feel rubbish. :(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
"I may have reached out again...at 1am in the morning asking if we could chat."

Well dear, you've learned a valuable lesson here. This is the precise reason that I suggest that women NOT PURSUE MEN. When you do that, you immediately place yourself in a position of vulnerability and one where you can be hurt. Why do that to yourself? If a man wants you, he knows where to find you - and he WILL seek you out. So as a woman, it's always best to let that happen as it's the only real way a woman can know whether or not a man is genuinely interested - to see if HE pursues HER.

Because when women pursue, basically they're attempting to convince a man to be with them. And that never works. And you should never have to convince someone that you're a great person. If they don't already see that and value it as such, then you simply let that be their loss.

"I feel like I should never have given him a second chance after he disappeared the first time."

I'll be honest, I don't really believe in second chances for disappearing men. But I also know that many women refuse to accept non-interest from a man, particularly when he was interested enough to sleep with her once or twice, and as such, they are in denial of the man's non-interest and then willingly place themselves in positions to be used yet again by the man, only for him to disappear a second time.

The best indicator of someone's future behavior is observation of their PAST behavior.

As for dealing with the rejection, you have to cease feeling like a victim and you have to accept the fact that you walked right into this - and you have to walk through the pain, the fire. Sounds harsh, I know. But once you accept that dear, you will NEVER let that happen ever again:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

Anonymous said...

I met a guy online we went out on a coffee date this was followed up with another date. He than asked me to go away with him for a night. We spent two great days and one night together and when we went to breakfast he spoke about as becoming exclusive. Like some of the others on here I had set up a false profile. A few days before going away with him he had mad a contact though had never spoke. On the last day of the time spent away he left and I went online that night of which he than started a conversation and gave his phone number to the false profile. I confronted him and told him that this was a girlfriend of mine and we quite often exchange notes on who we were talking too and that I was devastated as we had only discussed that morning about taking our profiles off in the near future. He said what he did was wrong...we finished the conversation and I text him and for four days he would not answer my texts of which were over the weekend. He finally rang me on the Sunday night. He text me all week and rang me every day. The weekend comes again and he told me he was busy with family problems. He was going to call me later that day of which was a Friday and he didn't. I sent a text to him a couple of hours ago just asking how his weekend is going and I have got no reply. Probably all up I have known him for 4 weekends and not once was he available. I think he has someone in the back ground or is a player. Am I correct? I feel like a fool as I should have let it go the first time...I am not going to answer if he trys to communicate now....why do guys have to do this what to they get out of it??

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
"why do guys have to do this what to they get out of it??"

They get free sex dear, that's why they do it :-(

And in order to get it, they'll spoon feed a woman exactly what they think she wants to hear so that they can keep the free sex coming, "he spoke about as becoming exclusive."

Which is why filtering men first is so very necessary - to protect yourself.

Anonymous said...

Been dating this guy for 2 months..He was consistantly-- texting--- and calling-I spent the weekend with him -we had to cut it short because his mom hurt herself --- so we both come home -- we live within 50 miles of each other and now -- he has called 1 time in the last 4 days and sent a text with his picture and a Waylon Jennings song "Good hearted woman in love with a good timing man" and has now been sending me songs to my email...Not sure what the heck to think about that...After the 3 songs this morning I tried to called-it kicked into VM..sent a text to please give me a call and decided to call back and LM...it sounds like his phone is off.....Have I fell into the hands of a player? I'm totally frustrated

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous July 10, 10:46AM,
I believe you have dear and I believe that first song he sent you had that message in it - you need to read between the lines of what he was saying there:

"Good hearted woman" in love with a. . .

"Good timing man"

You do know what a "good time guy" is right?

It's a player - a womanizer.

Proceed with caution dear. . .

Anonymous said...

My BF wants to get married, but I found a messgae on his face book to another woman that read,

BF - Mamita, I found you!!
Mamita - Hi Honey, how are you?
BF - I hope you had a wonderful weekend. I haven't forgotten you!As a matter of fact I was just thinking of YOU!;And what I'm going to do to YOU when I see YOU! Can YOU guess what it may be!!???
Mamita - Hi Baby
BF - Muahhhhhh XOXOX

This is definetly proof he has other agendas, What do you think? Time to dump the playa?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous July 11, 2:36PM,
Yep - time to move on dear. Time to - WALK:

http://youtu.be/AkFqg5wAuFk

Confused!! said...

I have a question...or a bit of a scenario!!
I am a female and I am the cheater. Ive been cheated on many times withmy current bf and cant find it in me to breakit off, so Ive just been enjoing life just as much as he has, lets say. Anyway, I cheated with a HOE. LOL. This guy knew everything to say, do …and Im so infatuated with the thought of him. He has done this before, and dated other women after stealing them away….I told him he doesn’t need to lie to make things sound nice, im involved and would like us to be what we are and that’s it. My mind is spinning. Could this work? If I was to fall for him, could we have something real?

Anonymous said...

I am 30 so I have had a lot of experience with dating. This is really well written! Nice job on this article, I totally agree.

Anonymous said...

lol sounds like a pretty lousy "player" anyway who would do this stuff..... pretty sure they have their shit covered well enough not leave so many areas of their game open to scrutiny in the first place....... whole post sounds like it was written by someone who, well, needs a good hard fuck.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@The Ladies,
I published the comment above on purpose gals. So that you can see, first hand, the immaturity and utter lack of respect that these sorry ass excuses for men have for women.

He thinks he's smart - not smart enough to do the right thing - but smart enough to NOT GET CAUGHT.

"leave so many areas of their game open to scrutiny in the first place"

He's insulting the intelligence of women here - assuming that you have to "leave your game open" in order to be scrutinized, LOL. Like women aren't smart enough to see these overcompensating macho idiots and their high school tricks without some sort of "opening" to do so first. . sigh.

"they have their shit covered well enough"

It doesn't matter how well you cover a turd - even if you can't see it - you can still smell shit. And most times, the first thing that gies these idiots away isn't what is seen, it's what is smelled (sensed) - a big pile of shit.

"sounds like it was written by someone who, well, needs a good hard fuck"

Such poetic and original words, this guy must be a real genius, LOL. And he totally gives himself away here as a pick up artist, player type in that:

1) His answer to everything is sex (which I imagine he stinks at as well).

2) The vulgarity used in the comment signals overall lack of respect for women.

3) The immaturity and lack of real insight in his comment signals that his emotional age (not physical age) is that of a man approximately 17-24 years of age.

4) His vulgar hit below the belt, immediate resort to nastiness and lack of any real insightful commenting signal insecurity.

5) His assumptions about players (himself) "pretty sure they have their shit covered well enough not leave so many areas of their game open to scrutiny in the first place" signal that he feels superior to others and women and that his ego is out of check and that his perception of himself is really off base.

As for this "needs a good hard fuck" - notice the vulgarity he spews regarding such an intimate act? It's not special to him, it never is to a player. Players are generally not very complex, "deep" individuals. They are generally very shallow instead and emotionally "cut off" and detached from their emotions, as you can see, and intimacy is one of their biggest fears (insecurity).

As such they view things on a very shallow, very primative, very primal level - much like a caveman, "Me man, have needs, want sex, ugg ugg."

They're not deep ladies. And they don't make for good lovers, boyfriends or husbands as a result. Hell, they don't even make for good boy toys either as it's all about them and you - yea, most times, they could replace you with say. .a goat or a sheep - and achieve the same results, LOL ;-)

To a player, you're not a human being - you're an object, a means to an end. They won't respect you, they won't connect with you, and they won't ever be able to make you happy.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the article. I too was hurt by a so called player, only it was my first love from over 25 years ago. All the signs were there and even though I felt it in my gut, I just didn't want to believe he would do that to me. We reconnected on Facebook. I won't bore you with details but what ended it after putting up with his games was his lack of respect when he kept getting me to converse with him on Facebook chat and leave me hanging in the middle of the conversation. I kept telling him that was rude & disrespectful & his response was always " don't take it personally" then give me lame ass excuses as to why he walked away ( like getting a fortune cookie). When he wouldn't stop, I ended it but was crushed my first love would do that to me.

Anonymous said...

There was a guy i was interested in for the last 7 months in the armed forces who has been playing games. Although it was an internet thing so i never met him. He would drop in and out of contact when it suited him about meeting up and then when it got closer to the day he would disappear or be busy. Some Facebook detective work has showed he has been dating a beauty pagent queen which is a bit gutting since i have fair skin and dark hair. I decided to delete and block him as i didnt need the sadness and stress. Out of sight of mind right?

I guess i tolerated it as i was flattered someone so good looking would show me interest. Feel a bit exhausted now from all his games when i was so honest. Although i try to remember my friends advice that ive probably had a lucky escape and probably made him into some knight in shining armour he wasnt. X

Anonymous said...

The best tip or hope I could give....re players and, or `separated/not quite ever divorced` `men` would be this...try to find a guy who has NO access to either the Internet or a mobile phone..But, Even then, if you found such an `amazing` guy...you would have a job keeping him safe from other women. Trust no one. Life=Heartbreak...most of the time, imo. :(

Anonymous said...

Ok i met this guy and the first time. i met him and hung out all we did was talk and listen to music and flirted with me. The second time we hung out and went to see a movie i paid. He said he would pay me back when he got paid. never saw my money from it. then mentiob how he had a good night before he left. Then he set up us a date to go out. But at the last min canceled bt asked if i could go to his place and still hang out. but when i said yes he never replied back untill that next day. so we went out on another date and he left early. We just talked on txt for a few days then he asked me to come ovee his place again and i said i couldn't because of how he didn't reply the first time he asked.so he called me even more and i finally answered him back the next day. so i go to his house and hang out. i thought we had a really good time. then asks me to message him so ido it takes him two days later to reply. And we didn't have sex. and then he says hell message me later and three days later still no message. i NEED HELP WITH THIS

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous August 30, 2:54AM,
Well dear, you're making yourself too available to him and signaling that you're willing to settle for less than you deserve (paying for dates and making yourself available for his lame date offers from him that require no investment from him) - and it's leading quickly into "taken for granted" territory unfortunately :-( And he feels entitled to yank your chains now because of it.

In the early stages of dating, I don't advocate accepting lazy date offers (house hang outs that have a propensity to lead to fee and easy "hookups" for these guys). The early days are when both parties should be impressing one another and displaying what they have to offer each other, and not just financially. When a man dates a woman and takes her to nice places and shows her a good time, what he's really signaling to her is, "I like you, I respect you, I want to treat you special like a lady and make you feel nice and I am WILLING to show you that." A man that isn't WILLING to impress you in the early stages - isn't going to suddenly decide to do that later, when you've already settled for less than that before, ya' know?

If someone gives you the milk (their time) for free, that individual on the receiving end getting free milk - is not going to suddenly feel inspired to purchase the cow (make an investment, both financially and emotionally.) As human nature would have it, the more likely scenario is, once they've received free milk for an extended period of time - they're going to begin "expecting" free steaks as well - and they're NEVER going to purchase that cow. Instead, the cow turns into a "cash cow." And in business, the definition of a cash cow is:

"a product [your time] that generates unusually high profit margins [possibly sexual favors]. . .This profit far exceeds the amount necessary to maintain the business"

The cow becomes a "cash cow" that generates unusually high profits (free stuff, possibly sex and your time) that far outweighs the investment (zero from him) necessary to maintain the continuance of receiving free stuff (your time, possibly sexual favors, etc.)

The reality here is that this guy is making zero investment in you dear, yet - he still receives those high profit margins of your time and possibly sexual favors. In life, nothing is for free dear - particularly YOU as an individual - NEVER give yourself or your time and attention away for free. Because your time is valuable, you are valuable, your attention is valuable. If you give yourself (your time) away for free, no one is going to "invest" in it (you) later - and you're going to quickly become that "cash cow" - get what I'm saying here?

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

My suggestion is, take your good old time responding to this one. Mirror him, if he takes a day, you take a day, etc. If he stands you up, you're not available to him for at least a week after that (if at all). And NO MORE hanging out at his place and permitting him to be LAZY about dating you. Cease that immediately and cease accepting his lame date offers. If he offers a lame date, you're busy (even if you're not) and you refuse. And then, you offer another date that you're available (3 days later) and you make a suggestion that signals to him how you expect to be treated. You say, "Oh gee, I can't, I've already made plans. But I am available on Saturday. Maybe we could meet at the outdoor market [or along the shore, or at a park, or for a cup of coffee] or go to dinner if you'd like. I really like that."

And if he balks at that - then he's signaling to you that he's a lazy player that's seeking free and easy situations (hookups) with little investment and effort on his part. And those are men that you do NOT want to date dear. Those are "good time guys," - but they are not husbands, lovers or boyfriend material.

If he doesn't have money to take you on a date, then he needs to become resourceful and plan a picnic or a walk in the park followed by a $2 ice cream cone afterward. He needs to make some sort of INVESTMENT here, some sort of effort - because right now, he's offering you practically nothing at all - but yet he's asking you for your time and attention and availability to him. And if he doesn't make some sort of effort or investment on some level, then he's signaling to you that he's not WILLING to - and that's when you walk - and find a man that's going to treat you well, care for you, respect you and aim to impress you, at least in the early stages.

Because lets face it, the early stages are when everyone should be putting their best foot forward. And these lazy losers and chumps out there - are NOT putting their best foot forward and therefore, should NOT be winning your attention as a result.

Mila Ortiz said...

haha yep i just dated 'that'. it's pathetic really. he was so insecure that he had to be texting 100 women at the same time he was dating me. phone ALWAYS on vibrate. Never answered it in front of me. ("well i just dont want to be doing "other things" when I'm with you baby"...puh leez!) weird thing. none of them were local so i know it was just an ego feed. that being said he told them all he was single. ding ding ding. later loser.

Anonymous said...

I am a married, separated woman of three months who started seeing an ex-bf. Five years ago; we dated about a year; I broke up with him because he would not commit to me. I married; but he never married; he dated several women; one special lady of whom he claimed was suppose to be his future wife; but he denied wanting to get married for several reasons. He has been divorced over 15 yrs. I have been seeing him for about two months secretly; going to his home after midnight/out-of-town making "booty calls"; sadly to say. He confided that he had been a "bad boy"; but wanted to change. I felt that this meant he was willing to commit to one person..ME! He also told me once that he loved me and I believed that he did. But to my dismay; deja vu once again; MIA, not responding to calls nor texts, excuses one after another of why we could not get together..etc. A few weeks after a hot night of passion; we had a pillow talk; he explained that he was ill and needed to have surgery and wanted to know if I would be there for him to "Keep IT up!" if he had the surgery. I agreed; went to outpatient surgery against my better judgement to find out that his main lady came in the front door with him. I always felt that he was not quite being truthful. Because I am a married woman going through a divorce; I thought he was protecting me and himself by keeping our relationship on the "downlow". The woman inquired who I was, showed pics of him & her on different occasions! It took all I could to keep my composure; I was shocked that he allowed me to come there when he knew his gf was going to be there too!! Somehow, I think she kinda knew who I was; but he probably told her some cocky mania story that I was his "friend". I never told her the whole truth for fear of exposing our fling. Anyway, my bad; I have been played. He showed me all the signs, red flags went up like the 4th of July, but I just couldn't see the forest for the trees. I did have enough self-esteem to leave him alone; but it hurts like the dickens. He has called me twice to redeem himself. I think just to keep me hanging on when he recovers from his surgery.. I wanted to say "I hope your pecker don't work anymore!"; but I won't stoop to his level; I will not allow myself to be emotionally abused by this man nor any another man. This has taught me a valuable lesson in life..thank you my dear "Player Player!'

Anonymous said...

you gotta understand one thing ladies every player has a beautiful love story behind him where some girl broke his heart or messed him up. iam a player and i learned my games from my women. what you dont realize is you woman are always playing games with men weather you realise it or not which drives us crazy because we are always straight forward . we dont know how to manipulate a girl to like us or play games with until some girl teaches us that. when we are heartbroken we do the same thing with other girls. so before complaining realize what you are doing with guys then complain about players.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Male,
Thank you for sharing my friend. I mean no disrespect here, but I did notice that a couple statements in your comment sound a bit emotionally immature as they are very broad, general assessments that do not and will not apply to every single female on the planet. Making statements like that about women are like women claiming that all men are players - which is simply NOT true - and also not a fair assumption. Additionally, claiming that all players do what they do because a woman broke their heart, again seems a bit of an immature assumption to me. Many players have personality disorders and things like ego issues and insecurity that drive their behavior. To assume that every single man that does this is one who had his heart broken by a woman, again, a tad immature to assume.

"every player has a beautiful love story behind him where some girl broke his heart or messed him up"

That's simply not true. Things like narcissistic personality disorder, insecurities, social disorders like sociopathy, ego issues - these are all viable contributing factors to that type of behavior in both men and women.

"you woman are always playing games with men"

That's not true and honestly, it sounds very bitter. That's like women claiming that all men always play games, which is equally untrue. Gentlemen DO exist and confident men feel no need to play such games. They don't feel the need to manipulate to win a woman's affections because they're confident that their leadership qualities and provider capabilities and personality and special ways are enough to attract women to them. Folks who play games, men and women both, generally have very deeply rooted issues of insecurity that drives that type of behavior. Being insecure or feeling "less" somehow causes people to overcompensate and overcompensating causes manipulation and/or self-defeating behavior in people.

"we are always straight forward"

No disrespect - but are you kidding with this one, LOL?

No. Not every single man on the planet is straightforward. Not every single human being on this planet is a cookie cutter display where everyone is the same. We're all unique and as a result, not every single individual on the planet fits under one single label like that.

"we dont know how to manipulate a girl to like us or play games with until some girl teaches us that"

Again, it's clear that you've been hurt and that that pain has caused you to feel insecure about yourself and feeling insecure about yourself is what causes you to play games. It's not women that cause you to play games - it's the insecurities that result from the pain of rejection that cause this behavior. And both men and women suffer rejection every single day my friend - but not every single person on the planet COPES with the rejection by turning around and hurting others and/or letting their insecurities dictate how they treat others.

"when we are heartbroken we do the same thing with other girls"

That's a very immature statement to make. Because someone once hurt you, you now feel entitled to go around punishing others that did NOT cause you that pain? That is not how life works my friend. There is such a thing as karma - what you put out there comes back to you, three fold. So if you put negativity out into the world, then all you can ever expect to receive back is more negativity. And if you treat others poorly, then all you can expect to receive back from those actions is being treated poorly yourself in return.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"realize what you are doing with guys"

Might I suggest that you work on developing self-awareness and realize yourself what YOU are doing to OTHERS?

Not all men are players and not all women play games. We are each unique and we do not slip easily under one label as a result. Just as there are male game players and gentlemen - there are also female game players and good women. As a result, it's not fair to lump everyone from a particular gender under one label and it's immature to think that people are all the same like that and that it's okay to hurt and punish others for the pain that someone entirely different caused you several years or months back.

We ALL experience pain, rejection, hurt and suffering at the hands of others - both men and women. But many of us have the proper coping skills in place to deal with the ups and down that life will always throw at you without childishly enacting our revenge on everyone because we were hurt once. Sounds to me like instead of developing a sense of self-awareness and using coping skills to properly process your emotional pain and baggage - you are avoiding developing those skills and instead - taking the easy, childish way out - by feeling entitled to hurt others because someone once hurt you.

That's no justification for hurting others. Be an adult, take responsibility for your actions, accept that people will always hurt you, disappoint you and let you down, develop the proper coping skills to deal with those ups and downs that life will always throw at you in a mature, healthy manner - and grow up.

Or - continue hurting others without cause and bringing pain back onto yourself as a result.

Choice is yours. . .it's called "free will."

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Male,
Do a little soul searching my friend:

http://youtu.be/jFgOSoKeGGQ

http://youtu.be/9vwHuCC6nP8

And pay close attention to the message. . .

pisces girl said...

i love how anonymous male is trying to justify why he treats women poorly-in case you havent heard an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind and its ridiculous of you to come on here justifying your actions-your exactly the type of man that women need to steer clear from! it seems like you have a lot of growing up to do! please read carefully what Mirror has written you really do have a lot of soul searching to do!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Regarding the justification of the self-proclaimed player above, here's an interesting bit about it:

His justification of his actions - in essence - actually justify the behavior of the woman who hurt him.

By claiming that he's justified to treat others poorly because he himself had been hurt. . .he's actually justified the behavior of the woman who hurt him because, according to his logic, the same justification then applies to her. Meaning, it then suddenly becomes okay for her to have hurt him because she, herself, had most likely been hurt prior to him by another man.

So all his behavior is really doing - is justifying the actions of the woman who hurt him.

By permitting himself a free pass to hurt others because he, himself, was once hurt - he has now granted the woman who hurt him - a free pass for her actions of hurting him (because one could assume she was once hurt prior to him).

He basically stooped to her level and in doing so - justified the pain she caused him.

He can now no longer point the finger and lay blame against her because chances are, she was hurt by a man prior to him - and that caused her to hurt him - which is now justified according to his logic.

Ladies, Watch out for men who claim "we are always straight forward" . . .and then in the next breath, state. . ."i am a player" and admit they play games. So are you playing it straight? Or are you playing games? There's a lot of conflicting, self-defeating behavior there.

Treating women like crap will NEVER make any of them love you for the long haul. No one wants to spend a significant amount of time around someone that makes them feel like crap and causes them pain.

Many people who behave like this are insecure and do so - so that THEY hurt the other before THE OTHER hurts them (their insecurity stems from their fear, which is rejection). And via the Law of Attraction, which states that "like attracts like," they attract equally insecure individuals to themselves, thus creating a viscious, negative, repetitive, painful dating lifestyle for themselves.

Folks, there ARE good people out there. Without a doubt, there ARE good men and women out there. You just have to filter, be very choosy, get comfortable with saying no - and find the one that's right for YOU. The one that is willing to fulfill your needs, care for you and treat your heart as something valuable and special.

At all costs, men and women both, steer clear of the one's that are "out to get you" [to get over on you] and use you, simply to prove to themselves that they can - so that they feel better about themselves.

pisces girl said...

VERY good points Mirror! makes complete sense and total eye-opener! Thank you!!

Anonymous said...

Interesting....I dated someone for 3 months....3 or 4 times a week, bringing me flowers/candy, little gifts...but never heard from him on weekends..which struck me as odd. When I questioned him about this towards the 3 month mark...got a lame excuse. Well, shortly after that conversation...poof! He disappeared. I sent one text msg after a week of silence...asking if all was well with him. No reply. Yes, it does a number on your head and took awhile for me to get over someone having the audacity to do something like this to me...nice, mellow person that I am!! Guess what? Exactly one year later....he texts me. I took days to respond...and pretty much blew him off..in a nice way! Six months later...he's back texting me again...I let it play out for a month...not responding much and when I did...not really saying much! After six weeks of this, he finally asked me out...on a weekend day, no less! I wanted to hear from him in person why he disappeared....so I agreed to go out on a date. His reason why he disappeared seemed far-fetched, yet still plausible. After reading up about these disappearing guys and players....I am seeing signs he is a player. So now I will leave him twisting in the wind...I am not interested in being a FWB or some kind of back up girl! Fool me once...shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me!

Anonymous said...

Anon @ Dec 2 @ 9:33
Maybe you should go out with him just to prove whether or not he really is telling the truth? Then, if he for some reason is (not lying), you won't have made him feel like crap... And, if he is lying and is just a player, you'll know by how he reacts and responds to you or not. If he's changed, maybe you could end up having a lasting relationship with him? :) Sometimes I think that guys just need a little guidance and consistency (which ultimates in the "much longed-for, secretly desired, outwardly-pretendedly loathed" Discipline) from girls... I mean, often we truly can help each other more than for what we give the others credit. <3
After reading this article and all the comments, I truly feel like a wiser person! Whew, I needed this! I am almost 30 and have not been on many dates at all - if indeed they were/are to be counted as such... (Long story short - I grew up home-schooled and really sheltered.) I am dealing with something (situation with a guy) that this article greatly helps. Thank you for writing Mirror! You're a genius, I think! :)

Lost.. said...

Dear Mirror,
I'm writing because I feel so lost and I am hurting. I met a man online 6 months ago, we met and we started off bad, argument on the first date. He is an arrogant, self centered.. charmer. We ended up going out again, but became physical. We kept texting on daily basis, maybe more like sexting. He would hardly call me or meet me in person. He said he was a very busy business person and works till very late. I'm also professional doing grad school too, so it was convenient at the time. For 3 months he went out of town for business, and I ended the relationship. He kept texting me and convinced (seduced..) me to continue. I knew in my mind, it was not going to be a serious relationships, but everyday I would get good morning texts, can't stop thinking about you, can't wait to see u, until the goodnight baby... Happy birthday..and so on
Eventually he came back in November, I really didn't want see him, to not get disappointed of getting attached. He was upset that I didn't act excited when he came back, I just wanted t take it slow. He wasn't really asking me out for dinner. We kept texting, I sent him lunch to his work, because of his long work hours. A week after he was back, and kept saying how much he wanted to see me, we met, he picked me up, and ended hanging out in his car (fancy :( ). After that night, he texted how much he loved seeing me and how much he liked me and kisses. I never heard from him again. A week later, I decided to go to his work, to make one of his fantasies he had told me come true. He had mentioned in the past that after a certain time nobody would be there (since he and his family own the place). I went in a coat with very sexy lingerie under, and brought a dessert, I texted him several times no answer, I rang the bell.. nothing, called.. nothing. As soon as I was pulling out of parking lot, I received an angry text that how dare I went to his office, that it wasn't our deal! what deal?? Anyway... very disappointing, and that was the last time he ever texted. I apologized.. for showing up unannounced I guess... no reply. sent cupcakes for thanksgiving..nothing. sent him lunch again to his work ..nothing..
I know he used me, I now it's humiliating, I know he and his family are not good people, and I am "supposedly a very smart and strong woman", so how come I can't get over him. I try to find closure. He always said he never had someone else, and as much as it showed the opposite.. I can't move on. I feel depressed..nauseous..anxious. I have never been like this before, I am the strong person, good girl, hard worker.. I have broken up with all my ex's, and they are all in good terms with me. Why am I hurting so much, and worse, can't stop texting him everyday, I guess seeking for answers..one that I might never get. The rejection and the way he has ignored me, has hurt me deeply.
So he is a player, charmer, very good looking, disappeared and reappeared .. maybe narcissist.. I just want to move on, but have not been successful. Have started the no contact.. forget how many times now :(
Any advice on how I can take him out of my heart, mind.. obsessed or addicted.. its affecting me so much. Really don't know what else to do, other than that, I have an amazing life.. and I am wasting it :(

Anonymous said...

I've been dating this guy for a little while now and everything is going okay, as it is I have to have a lot of faith and trust in him because it is a long distance relationship, he tells me he never wants to lose me and that I'm the only one he's ever opened up to and general things that make me feel special. But he spins wild stories about his dad ordering 7 of the newest mustangs, ferrari's and a whole lots of other cars. Besides the tall tales he has told my sister that he likes her but can't lose me.. And there is a very strange and confusing story between him and my best friend from before I knew him.. I don't know if he's a player as such but I'm confused.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 21, 1:08 PM,
You should be very cautious with this one dear. When something doesn't feel right and/or can't be explained, it's a big red flag. So proceed accordingly, or pull out completely.

nadia86 said...

In desperate need of advise...I met this guy on a trip to America, we only spoke for 10 minutes and I obviously didn't have a US number to exchange so just gave him my facebook details and that was it, thought I'd never see him again and didn't think into it. Anyway he added me on facebook and we started talking, then I gave him my Australian number and we began texting. Then came videos that we would send each other just asking how each others day was etc and facetiming. From such a short conversation we were now texting each other every day, as much as 40 times or more a day. He ended up booking himself a ticket and came over to see me for 3 weeks. He said before he got here that as soon as he lands that he is my boyfriend (I found it all a little strange to be honest, I am not one for rushing into things at all..I am some what emotionally detached I guess) but everything was great with us. On the last 3 days I was missing my space and grew a little distant from him and kind of was looking forward to him leaving, despite actually really liking him (I am a little odd like this). When he went back I just got this bad gut feeling. I found it weird that in 3 weeks of him being here he never posted a photo of me or mentioned me in any of his instagram photos and my friend who has twitter (as I don't) said that he never mentioned me on there either. I told him that I had a funny feeling about him and something wasn't right and that I can't be bothered with this and basically said "Thankyou for being a part of my life, all the best and take care" he sent me a reply, followed by another and again a third saying he didn't want to lose me. We kind of worked it out and he still constantly texts me with good morning msg's and texts throughout the day but yesterday I mentioned to him again about how It irks me that he never mentioned me on instagram or twitter. I am used to guys being proud of being with me and showing me off (it's what you are supposed to do when you are fond of someone and with them). I told him the only reason I could see someone not wanting to do that is because I am not the only one and gave him an ultimatum to either make me known or this is the end of the road for us. He said he completely understood where I was coming from and that he wasn't hiding me. Yet he hasn't put a photo up of us when he was here. I am not stressing at this point as it was only last night we had this discussion but I have given myself a time limit of 48 hours to see if he will put something up. In normal circumstance it wouldn't bother me that he didn't put a photo up. I have not put a photo of him on Instagram or Facebook either (Though I don't actually use them very much, I am kind of anti social networking, where as he is very much into social networking) , but I have this strange feeling in my stomach that I can't trust him. If it weren't for the feeling then there wouldn't be any issues. I hear from him constantly, I am in another country so its not like he is using me for sex, He has sent me videos when he is with his mates and they jump in the video to say hi to me, he travelled across the world to see me, we are planning to go to Mexico with his best friend and his best friends girl. He has told me that we need to figure out at some point who is going to move because we can't do this long distance thing forever etc etc so he talks and behaves like he is committed but then there's that funny feeling and It's like I know he is serious about me but how do I know there aren't other woman he has on the side to occupy himself with whilst I'm not there...I don't want to be number one, I want to be the only one! I don't know if its just me thinking into it too much because of the situation or if I have a player on my hands. Can someone please shed some light. Thanks :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Nadia86,
"as soon as he lands that he is my boyfriend (I found it all a little strange to be honest, I am not one for rushing into things at all..I am some what emotionally detached I guess)"

You're not detached dear - that is odd and it should raise a red flag. It smells like a man telling a woman what he THINKS she wants to hear (to make getting sex from her easier on himself). Misleading a woman to believe a relationship is in store. . .the oldest trick in the book gals.

"I have this strange feeling in my stomach that I can't trust him"

And you should listen to it dear. Do you know why? Because your gut, woman's intuition, is very rarely if ever wrong. It's a primal built in self defense mechanism and you should not dismiss it. The reason alarm bells are sounding is because of one simple thing here dear (and it's something that ALWAYS gives men's true intentions away, regardless of their words):

This man's WORDS are NOT aligning with his ACTIONS.

Example:

"He said before he got here that as soon as he lands that he is my boyfriend"

"he is very much into social networking. . .in 3 weeks of him being here he never posted a photo of me or mentioned me in any of his instagram photos"

"He said he completely understood where I was coming from and that he wasn't hiding me. Yet he hasn't put a photo up of us when he was here."

If this man were not a social media junkie, it'd be a different story and a non-issue. But given the fact that he is, this does seem worth taking note of.

"its not like he is using me for sex"

Maybe not, but he could be stringing you along as an option dear, or a text pal, or an ego stroke, etc. :-(

"It's like I know he is serious about me"

Well. . .you really don't know that yet dear. This man's a virtual stranger honestly. Three weeks is NOT enough to know someone inside and out, through good times and bad, how they handle stress and disappointment, how responsible they are, how many women are in his life, etc. It's simply not.

The only way you're going to know if this man is genuine or not - is to spend more time getting to know him over the course of a lengthy period. I don't know how long you were speaking prior to meeting, but it should be a considerable amount of time spent observing prior to swallowing what he's spoon feeding you, ya' know?

If your guts rumbling dear - do NOT dismiss it. (Humans have more nerves in our guts than in our spinal chords. . .)

Nadia86 said...

Thank you so much for your reply. I am still very much confused. I have been told before in the past that I am too independent and therefor I look for anything and everything to run from a relationship so that I can have my freedom to travel and spend time with my friends etc. I wonder if this is perhaps the case. I have noticed that he rarely uses social media now, he facetimes me nearly every night and even calls when he is out with his friends and they jump on the phone to say hi etc. He wants me to go over to see him in March and meet his family and to be honest even though this is typically what every girl wants, that kind of commitment, I still find myself trying to flee from the situation. I like him but then I wonder if its truly that or more a case of me getting excitement out of this situation that I like. There are times when I feel that he is much more invested in this than I am and then times where my intuition is telling me something is not right. In normal circumstance I wouldn't worry myself with concerns about a guy, I would usually just go with the flow and see where it takes me but in this case with the amount of time, effort and money that is going into us trying to make whatever this is work, it is playing on my mind that its just too much for me to be bothered with. Thank you so much for your advise, it is much appreciated. Nadia86

Confused Gal said...

There's this guy who has been a very good friend. We've been friends for probably over 3 to 4 years and we trust each other. A few months ago, he started being very flirtatious and hinting that he wants to start a relationship. However, he does that with many other girls as well. But at the end of the day, he always comes back and tells me I'm the one he wants to be with and unfortunately, I did fall for him and has hinted it back although he never really did anything. Recently, he found a girl that he's crazy for and well i guess I'm happy for him? However she turned him down. Of course, I welcomed him back with open arms and he began hinting that he wanted to be with me. The only problem is that he brings her up so often that I feel insecure! Not only that, he asks other girls "would you date me?" and uses flirtatious moves. But IN THE END, he ALWAYS comes back to me and says "I done with women, except for you." I'm so confused! I feel like he's trying to find love but everyday just realises that I'm the one he wants to be with (or so he says), but I'm worried that he's just toying with my emotions! But I believe I may have really fallen for him! What should I do?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Confused Gal,
"he started being very flirtatious and hinting that he wants to start a relationship"

Hinting that he wanted to settle down into an actual relationship, or hinting that he was interested in starting a sexual one? Because they're two different things, ya' know?

"What should I do?"

You don't have to do anything dear, HE does. He has to PROVE to you that he's GENUINELY interested in a real relationship with you - not just a sexual one. And he can prove that by being consistent, reliable and stable in his behavior, which unfortunately right now - he's not. And that signals that he's not "relationship ready" dear. He thinks he wants a relationship, but he's not acting like he's stable enough to truly invest in one properly. Because to do that, you need to be consistent, reliable, stable, trustworthy and you have to be willing to compromise and show compassion, and you need to be willing to fulfill your partners needs by being supportive and encouraging (not by throwing other women in your face or asking other women if they'd date him).

I'm sorry dear, but regardless of his WORDS, his ACTIONS are singing another song...one that signals that he's too emotionally immature right now and lacks the skills necessary to really have a healthy relationship.

If he doesn't prove to you that he's ready through all the things I've listed above, then you don't have to do anything dear, but keep living your life and moving forward :-)

If he wants you, he knows where to find you. And if he continues to behave in an unstable manner, then you know he's not ready dear, he's not mature enough and he's not relationship material at this time.

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA,

I'm definitely involved with a player...my gut has told me so time and time again I have refused to listen. I became a booty call, friend w benefits. the last time he was over my house at 2 AM his phone rang repeatedly on vibrate. He looked at me, grinned and said "Don't be jealous I have admirers".

The following day I called him out on all his bullshit and poor treatment and told him we can no longer be friends, we were never friends. My true friends don't treat me like crap and leave me second guessing my self and everything. He threw it all back in my face and blamed me for his "disappearing". Twenty four hours later he's on a dating website and befriending a dozen new girls on Facebook.

Needless to say, I am implementing no contact FOREVER with this one. Ladies, LISTEN TO YOUR GUT.

- Down and Out in NYC

Anonymous said...

Thank you very much for that eye opener points. there is this guy i met through online, based on your points this guy can be classified as a player. The guy told me he separated with his wife and he has been living with his son. most of time keeps coming to my place, but when i insist i want to visit his resident he claims his house is always full. he stays with his sister and the son. one days i wanted to visit him, and he told me to wait his sister and son to travel upcountry, but they never traveled meaning i never went there.
please advise, could he be a player.

Anonymous said...

What an eye-opener. I bumped into a guy I'd known for 25 years when I moved to NYC. He immediately started to call me "sweetheart," which I found to be a total turn-off. He pursued me off and on for 2 years, and I always refused. Then last fall, the full-court press, just as I was moving away from the city. This guy treats women really well on the surface: gifts, flowers, dinner and dancing, even stays in nice hotels. (Tip: always hotels with 2 rooms, so that he could be in the other room with his cell phone.) Gut always told me that there were other 50-something women he was hitting on (especially divorced with no kids at home). But no proof. He was always having dinner with "clients" or spending weekends (unavailable by phone - "no cell service) with his elderly parents. Always taking bathroom breaks during dinners out with his cell phone and taking longer than anyone should take for a pit stop. He would arrange thoughtful romantic weekends together a month in advance -- with no in-between. Full of future-speak: "We could buy a house out in the country and live together" yadda yadda. Initially I kept saying "you are rushing things." But after a few months of being in the relationship, of course it felt normal to want it to evolve. Well, worlds collide and eventually through a fluke I found out that he has one woman (not me) whom he considers his "girlfriend" and probably several more like me in the rotation. He picks the vulnerable divorced women in their 50s, gives good passion and courting, but has zero interest in their emotions. OK, so now I get it and he is a total player.Still uses the sweetheart bit, and dangles future plans far in the distance, never answers a phone call in my presence, blah blah blah. Enough!!! My big quandary: should I inform the woman who thinks she is his girlfriend? I do not know her -- he makes sure that his current targets don't have overlapping communities. He was hitting on me at the same time he was taking her out for NYE, visited me just before Valentine's Day evidently so that he could be with her then (told me he had to "be away for Valentine's".) But I see who she is on his FB page (not that he says he's in a relationship with her -- god forbid for a player. No, they just have a shared cover photo of a romantic seaside sunset. (A player's version of "commitment." Barf.) Should I message her? Thanks for your input.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 23, 8:15 PM,
That's a conundrum because when it comes to situations like this, I'm of two thoughts on the matter. One is "no drama" and the other is...help a sister out. I think creating drama backfires on us, but I also think a woman has a right to know when she's being snowed.

But I'd also be concerned about...IS she really being snowed? Meaning, maybe they have an open relationship? Maybe they're just casually dating? Maybe that's a family member or a friend of the family of some sort or maybe they're just friends?

That's the thing - you just don't know for sure (Or do you?)

Honestly dear, I'm not sure about this one. But what I am sure about is that you should obviously cease seeing this man immediately. Sorry I'm not of much assistance when it comes to these situations, this is touchy ground, ya' know? :-(

Anonymous said...

I'm in a situation right now that I think I am dealing with a player and I am done with him but want further advice about how to deal with him. The 1st red flag about him is that he has almost no guy friends. Some people have even called him gay. He has all girl friends and is always talking to different ones at any given time. I thought that he cared more about me since we have been hanging out at school for months now everyday and also texting using Face Time a lot. A few weeks ago, it was spring break and we talked everyday for hours at a time and even hung out a few times. We are both active on Instagram users and he comments all the time on girls photos and is following tons of girls. We took some pictures while on spring break together and everybody said, "are you dating?" or "couple" or "are you finally dating" and he replied no. And he even put on a comment "why are we always together anyway?" What? Anyway, while on spring break, a girl that he was following followed me and it turned out that he was talking to her on her pictures asking for her number and then she said "we should hang out". When we got back from spring break, he posted a picture with this girl and she commented "my better half" and he said "love you". Then he commented on another one of her pictures, "It has only been 4 hours and I miss you already". Ugh! Then he calls me and I am annoyed and say I have to go and cannot talk. So at school, he doesn't sit with me anymore and has been hanging out with different girls. This week has been terrible. He starts posting pictures on Instagram and takes the one off with the comments that he put "love you" and reposts it without the comments. Then he posts another one saying that he missed his old friends and hates his life. Then he posts another one with him and a new group of girls. He said "hi" to me and I just ignored him. Then last night he tries Face Timing me 7 times and I don't pick up but finally call him back and he says "Sorry, Face Time is acting weird" What? Was he messing with me and saying that he didn't really want to call? Then this morning he posts another picture with yet another girl and it says. "Love you, Ellen" with kissy faces. Why would he do this again? Such immature behavior! I don't know if he is trying to make me jealous or he is just a complete ***hole feeding his ego with all of these women. I don't understand how somebody could be so uncaring and cruel since he told me I was his "best friend" and I wasn't the one who did anything wrong here. Give me some insight on how to deal with this jerk going forward as I have to see him at school and should I even talk to him if he calls again or what would I even say? A part of me really wants to tell my " best friend" how pissed off I am at him. Or should I just go about ignoring him completely? Help!!!!!!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 3, 3:29 PM,
"Give me some insight on how to deal with this jerk going forward"

I wouldn't "deal" with him dear. That's the same as saying, "Give me some advice on how to tolerate him. Why tolerate him at all ya' know? When a man makes you feel bad about yourself, makes you doubt yourself, makes you question things, etc. - just get away from him dear. Nothing you do or say is going to change him - so if you don't want more of it, you're better off just getting away from him dear.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror,
first I should say sorry for my English lol and thank you for your blog ..
I'm writing because I feel so lost and upset ...I have been with my ex bf for 3 years on and off.. every time we had broken up was because of his commitment issues ..and 2 times I caught him with his ex gf ..
every time he came back and made me forgave him ..the last time we had been living together for 6 month and all the sudden he said he want to live with his mom before he bought another house (he sold his house )
I offered him that he can live with me (I do have my place but I was living with him ) he said: no it is not acceptable ..anyways we just met each other on weekends ..I just found out he has been living with his ex gf since he sold the house not with his mom ..I got very angry and confront him via text ..he just said well you are sick and that's all ...after 3 days he texted me and said :congrats for your new bf !!!! then he called me once ..I didnt respond at all ..he thinks one of his friend told me about his ex gf and now he is my bf !!!
he didn't even say sorry ...nothing ...what should I do to get revenge ? please tell me ..sorry for my English though :(

Anonymous said...

I was kind of seeing this guy for about one month. He went out of town after we finally had sex. While he was gone.. If I got a txt from him..it was late at night. And if i tried to respond back.. I either got a two word response back..or nothing at all. I didn't initiate txting. That was all him..but always around 11pm. I started getting this odd feeling that maybe he was with another girl on this trip. Then the txts dwindled from him completely. When he was back I tried to plan a time to hang out (which he used to love).. Now..He'd respond several hours later..very lack luster..almost like answering a Co worker or something.. The enthusiasm was totally gone. I sent a final txt after not hearing from him again for a few days.. I said that it seems like he doesn't have time for whatever reason, and that I'm giving him space. Then wished him well.
He wrote back immediately. Said he'd lost a friend and he's still processing it and very anti social. But he wanted to get together and catch up.. I set up a dinner.. He was very lacking of enthusiasm (giving one word responses) in txting to confirm plans. We met up and he kept talking flirty and sexual to me.. but after dinner he was very cold again. And in a huge hurry to leave.. He actually sped off snd left me in a parking lot alone. I txt him later and said I could tell he's not feeling it and wished him the best. He responded with a long thank you. Like i was so awesome for going away. Was I dealing with a player? The whole time we hung out before.. He was always so excited and wanted to make plans for our next date while still out together. I am sorry for the loss of his friend..but I don't feel that his dealing with a death was the only thing going on. It's done now.. but i feel so confused by the flip he made. Excited about where this was going and then acting like I'm bugging him when my behavior never changed. Oh..and when we did sleep together he had a new toothbrush for me to use.. it was kind of a red flag at the time. I'd love your thoughts. -M.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 8, 1:19 AM,
The best revenge dear - is doing well.

Don't ever speak to him again, don't ever respond to his texts and move on with your life as if you could care less and just...do well. Exes who cheat (and many other exes as well) can't stand to see their ex happy without them. It bothers them deeply when they see the other person is unaffected, happy, not depressed, not speaking to them and simply doing great and having fun without them.

It eats them to the core dear, trust me. My ex husband cheated and for years, literally years, when it was clear I was immediately moving on and leaving him in the dust after finding out - and I was doing well, I was happy and life went on without him...it drove him nuts. He would try to call, he would have his mother try to call, he would bad mouth me...it ate at him. He even said to me, "I don't know why you always have to be such a bitch. Other women go through this (cheating), and they don't throw away their marriages over it."

He was astounded that I left him, walked away, moved on and was happy. He actually thought he was so special that I'd give up my happiness just to cling to him like a wet paper towel. His ego was dashed and he got a rude awakening when that didn't happen, he realized then that he wasn't as special as his ego would have him believe....and it drove him nuts.

Again dear, the best revenge - is doing well :-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@M,
"when we did sleep together he had a new toothbrush for me to use"

Yea, big red flag there. Even hotels don't give out new toothbrushes LOL. He must've had a revolving door on his place for him to be thinking ahead like that.

I agree with you here, I think this guy was away with another woman and when he came back, he took to spending more time with her, which was the reason he was spending less time with you. And chances are, once he's done with her, he'll circle back around to you....so be very careful here dear as I don't think that'll be the last time you hear from him. Guys like this are pretty predictable.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to put my experience out there. I met this guy on an online dating website. We went on a date and hit it off really well and man did I fall hard for this guy! We had sex on the second date since we were so physically attracted to each other. He made me feel special in so many different ways.. But in the back of my mind, I had a gut feeling that this was too good to be true. Comes to find out my gut instinct was right! He had been texting/skyping with 5-6 different women and was really involved with a woman from a different country. I called him out on it and he told me the typical "i'm going to change for you, you're the only one i want" bull shit that I fell for time and time again. I was that girl who gave him so many chances for him to change because I wanted to be that "good" girl who changes a player.. But you can't fix broken. We dated for a couple more months until he broke it off with me because he couldn't stay "committed" to me and that he wanted to focus on "himself and his career" - typical breakup line. I knew once he said that, that he was going to go back to his old ways. He blocked me on facebook so he wouldn't let me see the numbers of girls he added as well.

About a month later with absolutely no contact, he texted me saying he wants to give me my stuff back from his old apartment since he moved to a new condo. I replied and told him i'd get it from him once I had the time. About a week later, I went to his place and got my stuff. We chatted for a bit and he started acting flirty and sexual again... To my fault, of course I gave into it. We acted like we were a couple again that night and once I left, he said he'd text me later. Of course, he never texted me back. He already got what he wanted which was to get in my pants. I felt disgusted, hurt, and used and it was sooo stupid for me to fall back into this vicious cycle again.

So two days ago, I went to his place and gave him his stuff back. Of course I tried to look sexy and great at the same time so he knew what he was missing out on! He ended up kissing and stuff but I stopped and never gave in after that. I rejected him for the first time and it felt great haha. So I left my phone on his dresser while I used the restroom. And while I was in the restroom, a guy that has been interested in me called me and texted me some flirty text messages on my phone. The player saw him calling me and read the messages he sent on my phone He even answered the guy's phone call and asked who it was! And let me tell you... The player went ape shit bizzerk on me. He started calling me a whore, bitch, slut, you name it. He pushed me on the bed and told me to get the hell out of his house. He was so mad that he left the house himself and drove off.

He had absolutely no right to react the way he did, calling me names and physically throwing me, because WE ARE BOTH SINGLE. And if I recalled correctly, that was his choice. If he expected me to sit there waiting for him while he talks to every girl on earth, then he's sadly mistaken. I deserve the right to move on just as much as he did. The tables have turned and by him over-reacting like that, he got a taste of his own medicine. His sister even deleted me off facebook. Lol. I don't feel bad at all for him!

So Ladies, please be careful and follow your instincts! This made me realize that moving on was the best thing to ever do-- it was my mistake to fall for it post breakup, but I really did learn from this experience. There are loyal and faithful guys out there that deserve great girls like us.

Anonymous said...

Dear MOA,
I hate to say this but last night I ended up hooking up with an ex who has been nothing but trouble from the very start.

We dated for a year, and ended up breaking up over the facts that our communication was not very good, but more importantly, he had become interested in another girl. I went complete NC for a month and he texted first to find out how I was, and slowly but surely worked his way back into my life from there for the next two months, to the point where we recently had a great hang out and talked like old friends. But during that time he kept dropping hints about when we were in a relationship together, about being intimate, and about my personal life, including my love life. I was under the assumption that perhaps he wanted to get back together, him making it very clear he was single.

Two weeks later (yesterday) we hung out in his apartment to watch a game and he ended up kissing me very passionately/unexpectedly, to the point where we ended up in his bedroom. I stopped him and said I didn't want to be friends with benefits with him, I wanted more than that. He listened but also said he knows I want this right now (typical player!!) Not going to lie, I did want it too (he was my first and I felt very comfortable with him), but I wanted more as well. I said I didn't want to hook up with him but he said, you're already doing it. As a result we ended up fooling around but not having sex. I asked him why he had kissed me and he said he wanted to fill some hole, and that he was still very attracted to me and liked me in some way. During this time I brought up dating again, and he brought up the fact that we had dated for a year and we didn't end up working out together; that he didn't see this working again as a long-term thing. I said the reason why it didn't work out was our communication was poor and his feelings ended up changing, and for this he did apologize sincerely. He said he didn't want to make any promises to me and I said I didn't want promises anymore. I guess the red flag in our breakup is that something as simple as communication could've been solved easily by working on things...clearly he didn't want to. Rather he chose to move on to someone else.

Anyway he asked me to stay over for the night, but he had to work for a couple hours but he would be back. I hung out at a friend's house nearby and sincerely debated what I was going to do (MOA, I wanted the comfort of being with him again, I'm only human!) but somewhere I knew deep down I wasn't going to end up getting what I wanted (to be dating him again and for us both to be invested in each other). I don't know why I ended up choosing to go back with him, but I just knew I wanted to feel something with him again.

Anonymous said...

MOA, at this point, I seriously contemplated leaving, but like I said, I'm sorry to say I wanted to spend the night with him still, one last time. When he got back, again we hung out and ended up fooling around into the wee hours of the morning but not having sex, although he kept asking me if I wanted to. It took everything in my willpower to refuse that finally because on some level I did want to still.

During the night I did tell him that I was afraid of having sex with someone that could just walk away again, and that I like the comfort and trust that comes with relationships, that isn't there in hookups. He said that is part of the reason why he didn't think we would work, because he is ok with hookups and if we did break up again he didn't want to make me feel betrayed by him. He said regardless of whether or not we were dating, he still cared about me and I was still the best girl he had ever dated (before me, he had just had multiple flings). After this he stopped asking me if I wanted to have sex.

In the morning, I noticed he wasn't as touchy-feely as we had been that night, me wanting to be cuddled and him sometimes accepting it and sometimes not. He had to go to work and he did talk to me nicely but not as affectionately. I brought up the idea of starting to see each other casually, no expectations, because at this point I felt I wanted to play the player in some way by showing a lot of interest and then never talking to him again. I also mentioned I was casually seeing another guy and he said, shouldn't you just see him then? And I said it wasn't exclusive, so as long as the guys know this and I know this, it's ok. He said we can do whatever I want (e.g. date, not date, talk, not talk, etc.) and I just noticed how blase his answers were, as if it made no difference to him. It's odd he wouldn't at least react to this happily, as he had said he was single, lonely (that's his fault!!) and his love life was stagnant, BUT I remember you had mentioned MOA, how guys like to play it cool, and I think that is what he was doing here, not wanting to seem too eager for anything with me but allowing me to "present myself as an option". At this point, after having spent the day/night in tumult and mixed emotions, I knew at this point we could probably never date again, this guy is trouble. However I still do care about him as a person and a friend. I added him back to Facebook today (I had kept him unfriended to spite him these past months), but something in me said it was time to close the book and view him as a friend now, nothing more. Don't try to stay in contact, don't reach out to him period. For me the closure was simply adding him back, the way I had always viewed it is if I kept him unfriended it was because I secretly harboured feelings that he would be curious and think about me and want to get back together. Now I don't really want to anymore, and he can just stay in my friends list for all I care. When I added him I also sent him a message saying "my bad" as a joke, he accepted my request with a minute and simply wrote "lol" (and I believe this is because I essentially turned the tables and chased him by asking to casually dating him, causing him to withdraw, because before he was doing all the "chasing").

Anonymous said...

I know I messed up royally with this one, MOA. Hookups are never something I meant to do/have never done before, especially with a troublemaker ex of all people! And I must sound absolutely insane with my actions, of wanting more with him yet settling for less. I don't know, I think I just wanted to feel things with him again.

I always wanted to be someone he regretted losing but now, I think I've downgraded my status of ungettable girl to hookup girl, something I never wanted to do :( I feel the only way for him to ever regain any respect for me and regret his chance of not getting back together would to be completely silent, don't contact and if he does contact, say I understood what had happened, but I did truly want more and I deserve more than casually seeing him, a player, again. Is this the correct thing to do if I want these outcomes? Do you think he would contact me again, given the fact he said he was single and lonely? And MOA why is it so hard to stand up for these simple things in the heat of the moment? I really do feel ridiculous about what happened. What can I do?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 21, 9:27 PM,
"I said I didn't want to hook up with him but he said, you're already doing it."

That was him making it clear that was only a hookup dear :-(

"that he didn't see this working again as a long-term thing."

Then that's exactly what he means, don't read anything else into it.

"He said we can do whatever I want (e.g. date, not date, talk, not talk, etc.) and I just noticed how blase his answers were, as if it made no difference to him. It's odd he wouldn't at least react to this happily, as he had said he was single, lonely (that's his fault!!) and his love life was stagnant"

Why would he be happy about it dear, when he's already made it very clear that "he is ok with hookups" and "he didn't see this working again as a long-term thing." He doesn't WANT a relationship, so the thought of one won't make him happy. Unfortunately, it'll make him want to remove himself from the situation :-(

"BUT I remember you had mentioned MOA, how guys like to play it cool, and I think that is what he was doing here, not wanting to seem too eager for anything with me but allowing me to "present myself as an option"."

In this case though, he's playing it cool for sex - for an occasional hookup - not for a relationship :-(

"be completely silent, don't contact..if he does contact, say I understood what had happened, but I did truly want more and I deserve more"

You can't be completely silent - and then respond dear. Complete silence and full no contact means exactly that - consequences for his decision. And those consequences are - no access to you whatsoever, in any way, shape or form - and that means no response as well. No communication period, no emails, texts, social media - nothing.

"Do you think he would contact me again, given the fact he said he was single and lonely?"

For a hookup? Yea, probably. For a relationship? Doubtful. And that has nothing to do with you. It has to do with the fact that he's not seeking a relationship - with anyone. He doesn't want one and that has nothing to do with you, it's simply a personal choice he's making.

"why is it so hard to stand up for these simple things in the heat of the moment?"

Because in those moments dear, you're giving way to your emotions - and not using logic. When you let your emotions take over, logic flies out the window. And that's not just with you, that's with many people, man or woman. It takes a lot of practice at self-discipline and self-control to learn to separate your emotions from logic. Emotions (love) is blind...logic is reality...and when emotions are given the full lead and self-control lacks, logic has no say.

"What can I do?"

I think these pieces may help dear:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/08/how-do-you-value-yourself.html

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

Anonymous said...

If anyone out their has dated Robert/Bob McCarthy from Shrewsbury, Ma and East Falmouth, Ma beware. He is a dentist in Worcester, Ma. He is the textbook definition of a player. He is extremely insecure and unattractive however he enables his family/friends so he has people around him. People use him but he's too self absorbed and stupid to realize it. He's a bit boring/dull in bed. He answers questions with questions to give himself a few seconds of thinking time and has a nervous laugh. I always knew he was seeing more than 1 person at a time but played dumb for reasons I won't say.

pisces girl said...

Lmao i think its time more of us started outing these men and warning other ladies!

Anonymous said...

OMG That's me and I am a player woman..... But wait a minute ..I don't sleep around..I only flirt :)

Anonymous said...

I got played by player girl. Never thought it would happen to me. But every thing you describe above applies to her. I am still getting over it - after a month of what I thought was the perfect relationship, she walked away in a heartbeat and never looked back. It hurt even more when I found out she slept with an ex just a few days later. All I can say is I didn't see it coming... but next time I will.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I have been reading a lot of your posts and find it very helpful. My story is that I got out of a 10 years relationship in March and meet this guy on Facebook. He was very persistent, understanding, and attentive. Gave me every reason why i should give him a chance. I finally gave in after 2 weeks and we started getting to know each other. I was very cautious since I just got out of a relationship but he reassured me. Even talked about the future and wanting to bring a wife home not a one night stand. The thing is we were long distance and he said he would visit me or fly me down. Fast forward to our first meet up after 2 months talking we had sex. I felt comfortable with him and he kept saying how lucky he was to find me and where have I been all his life. He would text me throughout the day and call me after work and skype for hours. This went on for 2-3 months and he slowly text me less and spend less time communicate. After 3 months I would always have to ask when I would see him again and he keeps saying soon. Before he always initiates his visits. So I got annoyed and told him and even told him how he hasn't been texting and calling me like before. He told me I was needy and demanding and it was pushing him away. After that argument he became very distant, we didn't talk much and he was always busy (got a promotion at work). So my last visit at his place he was acting different. Always had his phone with him everywhere. Doesn't let it go out of site. I thought it was weird but didn't really care as I have trusts in him. One time in the car there was a # calling in and he said he doesn't recognize the number and decline the call and that number called back and he let it go to voice mail. The day I was supposed to leave his place I looked through one of his many phones and phone that he has been texting 2 other girls and planned to meet up with 1 of the girl when he fly over for business trip. I flipped or and confronted him and at first he told me he was disappointed that i was snooping and later said he thought I was cheating and I was picking fights and he didn't like that. I was hurt and cried a lot. After I came back I had no trust in him and he made promises that he would be open for communication but it was all lied. I broke up with him because he didn't do anything to make me feel like he was doing to gain my trust back and his communication was distant especially when he's away for business trip. He said okay. I felt bad the next day told him I miss him a lot and want to give it another try. Jerk told me he was very upset about what had hair need the night before and would need time to think about it. I told him okay whatever decision you make I respect that. So he strong me along for 2 weeks with I miss you and I bought new jacket you'll love it and I'll come see you soon. But he still text me very little and doesn't call me as much. So one night we were on the phone he said he would put me on mute since he snore and I told him it's okay but then I noticed he actually did put me on mute and to confirm I sent him a text message but I don't hear any noise. Next day I asked him if he had muted me cuz I'm thinking he probably muted me so he can call other girls. He has 5 - 6 phones. He told me no he had vibrating off that's why I didn't hear anything when I sent him the text. I then asked him what ami to him and his response was trying to work on being mygf. His excuse when I asked him what are we is that he might have to move to Mexico and he would want me to deal with the distance and that he cares for me but he wants to wait til 9/19 to find out. I then asked him why it takes him so long to respond to my text knowing he carries his phone with him 24/7 and that his "love" for me was an infatuation.

Anonymous said...

He told me to give him space. That was on Monday 9/8. I haven't text or call him since I got his text for space. What is your thought on this? Half of me thinks he already move on and that his lame excuse about Mexico is to get rid of me if things with new girl didn't work out our something. I honestly have a lot of doubts. My no contact with him has made it easier each day but I still check my phone for his text and calls. What do you think I should do? I'm still friends with him on fb. He's active via messenger all day. He used to like my pictures when I post but not anymore. Do you think I should delete him? Whenever I see him on I think he's probably fishing for another girl. He's a sweet talker. Tells you things you want to hear and makes a lot of promises. Please I need advice. I do have a lot of guys asking me out on dates but I can't move on since this guy has made such a bad experience for me. Thank you for reading and your advice

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 13, 9:54 PM,
"he said he would visit me"

ALWAYS have the man come to YOU in the early stages of dating. NEVER let a man be able to "summon" you for a visit, whether he pays or not. Make him prove himself genuinely interested by having to take ACTION himself. Flying someone down for sex is like ordering a pizza. Make HIM take ACTION.

"didn't really care as I have trusts in him"

Why did you trust him though? Did he EARN that trust? Or did you just give it to him free of charge, without him earning it or having to prove himself, ya' know?

"I flipped or and confronted him and at first he told me he was disappointed that i was snooping and later said he thought I was cheating and I was picking fights and he didn't like that."

That's emotional manipulation - it's a classic move, technically called "shifting blame:"

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/07/what-is-nagging-and-shifting-blame.html

"my last visit at his place...After I came back"

Why is it YOU going to HIM? HE should be coming to YOU dear. That's how a man proves himself genuinely interested...he's willing to put himself out for the woman.

"He has 5 - 6 phones"

That's absolutely ridiculous and it's a giant red flag of a con man. Probably a zillion pre-paid, untraceable phones.

"What is your thought on this?"

I think this guy's a major player stalking Facebook for woman and stringing a bunch of them along all at the same time :-(

"What do you think I should do?"

I think you should RUN dear...as fast as you can, and as far away as you can - from him :-(

"He's active via messenger all day"

Yea, I bet. Takes a lot of communication to juggle several relationships at one time dear :-(

"Do you think I should delete him?"

Definitely.

"He's a sweet talker. Tells you things you want to hear and makes a lot of promises."

Remember this dear - it doesn't matter what a man SAYS (words)....it only matters what he DOES (action).

"I do have a lot of guys asking me out on dates but I can't move on"

Make it a point to do your best to get away from him dear, before he hurts you even more and lies to you further.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous Sep 13, 9:54 PM

Hi Mirror, Thank you so much for your respond. You brought up a good point. I basically gave him my trust. I shared him my story and he share to me abt his stories. How he was engaged and the girl cheated on him. So given that he has been cheated on before I don't think he would cheat on me and he himself told me he's not a cheater. He visited me the first 4 times (2x a month) for 2 months and i told him i want to visit him for the long wknd (july 4th) and meet his friends and see his living style. My sister told me not to do that but i didn't listen and see why now. I asked him why he has so many phone and he told me he used to work for t-mobile and verizon so they gave him free phones. So i didn't really think much abt it. Our fall out came when he stop talking abt visiting me and he becoming distant. We did have an argument via text about that and he got a promotion and i wasn't really happy since he has to move to Seattle. He got upset that i wasn't happy and was being selfish. That wknd he went to seattle to sign his work contract and visit his family. He said that's when he met 2 of the girls from his Seattle trip. He said they both knew he has a gf but was interested in him and the other one is local and really wants him. He calls them babe and told them the same thing he told me when he was pursuing me. He said he wasn't happy and we didn't have fun anymore. We were arguing/me picking fight all the time. He told me he loved me even before we even met and when i talked to him abt his cheating he said it was only text, nothing physical and that he didn't tell them he loves them. After i found out abt his cheating he tells me he misses me but doesn't tell me he loves me. When i confronted him he said he would fly me to see him 2x a week and we would talk every night. It wasn't true. I rarely got to talk to him and i had to ask him abt me visiting. He said he's busy with work and possibly another promotion. I was pretty much fed up and i told him break up but then i wanted to give him another try (stupid me...i know). After of stringing me along...rarely any text and would take forever to respond I asked him if he's having fun putting me on the edge and if he's seeing someone. He told me he has been thinking a lot that he wants me but he might be moving to mexico. I have been enjoying life but i still check his fb. I just confirmed last night that he is going to mexico end of this wk. Day 8 of no contact. It is getting easier. I post cute pictures of me on fb and I will post a mind blowing photo shoot picture for him to see first before i delete him off fb...his lost. I'm getting stronger but i'm still waiting for him to txt me end of this wk or nxt wk letting me know he got the promotion to mexico or something so that i could let go.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 13, 9:54 PM,
"I basically gave him my trust"

Trust is a very valuable thing dear. It needs to be earned and is not to be given away for free, because of it's value. Imagine it like this. If you had $10,000...would you give that away for free? Or would you expect to receive something in return for it's value...something with equal value in return? Most likely, if you're parting with something valuable, like $10k, then you want something with equal value in return - you want a return on that investment.

NEVER invest trust into someone without them EARNING it and providing something of equal value back to you in return (honesty, action, consistency and reliability). Trust is very valuable and is not free.

"given that he has been cheated on before I don't think he would cheat on me and he himself told me he's not a cheater"

How do you even know if that was the truth or not though dear. You're taking a complete and total stranger at his word, when you don't even know if his word is truth or not. Additionally, when someone states the obvious, things that shouldn't have to be stated - things like, "you can trust me" or "I don't cheat" or "I don't lie" - it's a big red flag. Because it's the sign of someone trying hard to get you to believe those statements. If those statements were true, they wouldn't need to try hard to get you to believe them, ya' know?

For instance, I consider myself trustworthy. BUT...because I KNOW I'm trustworthy...I don't feel the need to go running around trying to convince everyone I'm trustworthy. Why? Because I don't have to SAY it - my actions SHOW it. So there's absolutely no need for me to try to get people to believe that about me. It's already obvious that it's true, because my actions are in line with my behavior. Therefore, I don't need to state what's already obvious.

Now, on the other hand, let's say I AM a liar. But I don't want people to know that and my actions might give me away, because they're not consistent. In that case, what I would instantly start doing is TALKING about my actions, instead of actually SHOWING that they align with my words. I would start going around telling everyone "you can trust me" because deep down, I know I'm not to be trusted, and I also know my actions are giving me away. So now, I'm on this crusade to use my words and emotional manipulation to fool everyone and confuse them into thinking I can be trusted...because I'm constantly telling them that. And by constantly telling them that, it's confusing them and making them not notice how much my actions are not aligning with that claim...because they're now believing my words instead.

So when people state the obvious, and start saying things they shouldn't need to say like "you can trust me" or "I don't lie" - consider that a big red flag, particularly if they're doing this repeatedly time and time again, while their actions are showing the exact opposite.

"he said he would fly me to see him 2x a week and we would talk every night. It wasn't true."

See what I mean dear? ACTIONS are not aligning with WORDS. "He said he would fly me to see him" - WORDS. "It wasn't true." ACTION. And the two do NOT align which is a big red flag.

Be on the lookout for that from now on with men dear. If their actions do not align with their words - they're not trustworthy.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous Sep 13, 9:54 PM

Hi Mirror, Thank you for helping me. Now I realized a lot of the things he told me are not align with his actions. The last time I saw him I didn't like his demeanor toward other people. Judging people based on their race, driving, behavior etc....it was a turn off. Complains about gas price and certain things but would go shopping and buy all kind of things. He makes good money (150k/year) and he's complaining to me abt bills and how everything is expensive then went and bought a new car (lexus). I told him flat out well everyone's got bills to pay. The more you spend the more bills you have. He's a scorpio and I'm a taurus. Funny thing is he's always telling me I would never meet another man like him and now I can see why. First and last douche bag I will ever meet hopefully. When I found out abt him cheating I told him he has ego issue and it wasn't because I was picking fight. I guess at some point I see straight through him and called him out on it because I was tired of his shitty behavior. Each day pass not talking to him I feel confident and tell myself I deserve better. Do you think he will contact me? I kind of want to give him a lesson for playing with my heart and possibly many more women out there.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 13, 9:54 PM,
"I feel confident and tell myself I deserve better"

You most certainly do - don't ever settle for less than you deserve.

"Do you think he will contact me?"

I have no way of knowing that dear. Nothing in life is a guarantee. He may, he may not. But one thing I will tell you is this...whether he contacts you or not doesn't matter. And whether he ever admits this or not won't matter either but I can tell you from hearing many men speak - the ones that "dump and run" on them....they NEVER forget those women - EVER.

Particularly a man that says this about himself, "he's always telling me I would never meet another man like him." He's used to being able to charm himself out of trouble, I can guarantee you that. And when a man like that gets dumped, regardless of whether or not he brought it on himself, they NEVER forget the woman that did that. Because men like that are shocked when a woman DOESN'T want to be with them, whether they're a jagoff or not, they're usually stunned by that.

So just know dear, whether he ever returns or not - he'll never forget you either way. You've already taught him a lesson. You don't need him to circle back around for another one ;-)

Anonymous said...

Anonymous Sep 13, 9:54 PM --Update

Hi Mirror,

I just found out that the women he met were through Tinder (dating app). So he lied abt these women approaching him out of nowhere. I couldn't help but laugh how insecure he really is and that talking to these different women would boost his ego or whatever it is that he's missing. From what I know he's using his charm and sweet talking to get these women. Now I don't know if these women he meet are for fun (text it seem) but it really makes me loose any respect I had for him as a person. I wasn't sad or upset when I found out. I was just laughing and thinking to myself well good luck to him for thinking the grass is greener on the other side and that karma will get him one day. One of the girl he talked to wasn't that good looking. As of today I can finally say that i don't care abt him or his business.

Thank you mirror for your insight and helpful posts!

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror, I need your words of wisdom today.

I removed him from FB yesterday and I'm constantly checking his fb more often...wtheck is wrong with me? Suddenly I have the urge to text and ask how his trip is going knowing he might not respond back. My emotion is such a rollercoaster. I even requested one of his friend's on fb and I'm not sure she will accept or if that even maters. I was thinking of adding him back on fb and tell him that my friend removed him. I know he's bad for me but what is wrong with me? I really do wish he would reach out to me but it seems like he has already moved on. I just can't see how one person tells you he loves you and misses you and care for you would just walk away like that. Very confused and upset.

BTW my ex of 10 years reached out to me after 6 months of no contact. It was somewhat a mutual break up but it was more from my side because he took me for granted. Saw him 2 times but no feelings. He was a nice guy just didn't know what he wants in life.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 19, 2:28 PM,
"I know he's bad for me but what is wrong with me?"

Well this happens sometimes dear. Sometimes, for various different personal reasons, we feel that if we receive the acknowledgment of an individual that's withholding that from us and that doesn't acknowledge our worth...that receiving that from them will somehow provide us with our happiness. Like as if our entire happiness depends on this single individuals acknowledgment of us.

It doesn't dear. You don't need this mans acknowledgment at all. You don't need him to validate you as a worthy woman. You don't receive that from others, you develop that from within yourself. YOU need to acknowledge YOUR OWN self worth. YOU need to validate YOURSELF as a worthy woman. Know what I mean? You can't get that from him, you need to develop that from within yourself. If you do that, there will be no void to be filled with this mans approval.

Deep down inside dear, it's a self-esteem issue. That's where things like that stem from - from low feelings of self-worth. Which is why people tend to seek that out from others then when that happens...because they don't already carry that within themselves. So without even realizing it, they start reaching for that from others, instead of cultivating that from within themselves.

There's nothing wrong with you - you're human. And these are all issues that are part of the human experience. You just need to remind yourself that you are ALREADY valuable - whether or not this man ever acknowledges that or not - you are ALREADY valuable. You don't need him to see that. You don't need to hear that from him dear....you need to hear that from YOURSELF. You need to believe that you are valuable and that you are worthy.

If you believe that about yourself - then you don't need that approval from anyone else :-)

Anonymous said...

MOA, I wished i checked this before i sent him a message over fb. I wasn't sure if he still has my number so I sent him a message over fb. My message to him "Hey, just wanted to wish you good luck with your job/move to Mexico. I probably won't hear from back from you but that's fine :) Take care!." I told myself it was a goodbye message to him which indicates i'm ready to move on and is no longer waiting for him. He message me back after 30 min "I'm in mexico now. Was just thinking of you. I was going to write to you. The move isn't set in stone yet. I hope all is well."

When I was reading his message I"m thinking....Wow that's a cold message to someone you claimed you care about and he's bs! You're on fb 24/7 yet you don't have time to message me til after i message you or even text me. Yes he did asked for space but I know deep down that it's over between us. Back to NC and move on with my life. I have let this drag on for too long. It's not benefiting me at all. I doubt he would ever contact me again as he's very popular with the ladies and never fails to get dates. Thought abt adding him on fb again once i'm ready and happy again but that might take awhile. Also i was reading your disappearing/reappearing post and came across one of your comment abt professions that attracts sociopaths and his was on that list (salesperson) and your descriptions makes sense. Day 1 of NC starts tomorrow.

TN

Anonymous said...

Dear Aphrodite,

First of all, I just wanted to thank you for everything you do! As a woman who is determined (not desperate) to find the love of her life, I’ve been seriously researching and experimenting with dating for the past 2-3 years with the intensity of a mad scientist, and I can honestly say your articles and comments have given me more comfort and clarity than any other expert out there :)

So I come in need of your wisdom! Here’s the lowdown: I’m a 30-year-old Virgo, he is a 31-year-old Sagittarius. I met him online and after our first date, I felt a very strong connection with him on a physical, emotional, and intellectual level. I played it cool, let him chase me, and our relationship progressed beautifully over the next couple of dates. He seemed like the perfect gentleman…

But alas, if it’s too good to be true...

I learned his last name after our 3rd date, and I looked him up on Facebook the next day only to find a suspicious photo of him and a girl. It was clear they were more than just friends. The following day, the photo was gone. Big red flag. Even though he and I weren’t exclusive, I couldn’t help feeling played and worried he already had a girlfriend.

Anonymous said...

I didn’t confront him, because I didn’t have proof, so I pretended everything was okay on our fourth date. But I felt hurt and confused, and I couldn’t ignore my instincts he was hiding something. So I eventually broke up with him over the phone, giving him some generic excuse about how I didn’t think we were right for each other. The news shocked him, and he called me back a few minute later. He ended up confessing some things to me, without me even asking. I think maybe he was trying to tell me I had made the right decision, and/or maybe he wanted to help me understand him better in the hopes that I would be willing to work through my doubts. He told me he lied on his profile. He put ‘Never Married’, but he in truth he was briefly married and divorced in his early-twenties. He said he lied, because he didn’t want to be judged for a mistake he made as a kid. He said he would’ve told me eventually, since he had been planning on introducing me to his friends and family who all knew about it. He then made a second confession, telling me that for part of our time together, he had been somewhat still involved with his ex-girlfriend (apparently they have been trying to break up for the past 6 months, but got stuck in the break-up/make-up cycle). But he made it clear that it was really over now, and he had no desire to go back to her. Can't say I believed him 100%.

He went on to tell me how he wanted to continue seeing me, because the way he felt about me, he hadn't felt for anyone in a long time. He didn't beg me, but in a calm and persuasive manner, he opened up to me, made himself vulnerable, and seemed so genuine I wanted to take him back right then and there. But I couldn't get over the fact that he lied about his marital status, and I was afraid I that I had only been a rebound. So I thanked him for coming clean, but said I felt deceived, and couldn't see things working out between us.

It’s now been one month of no contact from either end, and I'm in a much calmer state of mind after some time and space to focus on myself. I realize there are plenty of fish in the sea, but honestly, I still think about him all the time, and I want him back because our connection was amazing, something I don't find very often. I know now he's not as secure/confident as I had originally believed. I don't think he's a player, but I think he lies or hides the truth to protect himself, to make himself appear strong and attractive. I also think he hates being alone, and jumps from one long-term relationship into the next. But heck, no one’s perfect, and I believe him when he says he's looking for marriage, not just a fling. I mean, during the whole time we were together, through his words and action, he had shown effort and genuine interest in me.

In the perfect world, I'd want him to initiate contact and make some kind of grand gesture, because I feel like he disappointed me, and he hurt me, however unintentionally. But this isn't a romantic comedy. I had dumped HIM after all, and his pride and ego is undoubtedly bruised, and he probably thinks I never want to see him again. So what do you think? Should I wait to see if this guy is interested enough to "man up" and win me back? Or should I drop a casual hello text and see if he takes the bait?

My apologies for the length, but any insight you can offer will be greatly appreciated! You can call me Neena =)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Neena,
"He put ‘Never Married’, but he in truth he was briefly married and divorced in his early-twenties. He said he lied, because he didn’t want to be judged for a mistake he made as a kid."

You know what that type of thinking tells me? It tells me that HE judges women who are divorced - and because of that - he feels that they will judge him the same way. In this day and age, anyone judging another human being for being divorced one time - is going to be very judgmental about a lot of other things as well.

"I think he lies or hides the truth...I also think he hates being alone, and jumps from one long-term relationship into the next...But heck, no one’s perfect"

I understand that no one's perfect dear. But here's the thing. If someone is a comfortable liar, and their lies begin to reveal a pattern of self-defeating behavior that interrupts their life and relationships...that's a big red flag dear. He's exhibiting a pattern of behavior here that should NOT go overlooked or be swept under the rug. The pattern of behavior he's exhibiting is - lies, hates being alone (insecure), and jumps relationships one right after the other because of his insecurity.

So what makes you think that if YOU were with him - the same wouldn't happen to you? He's caught up in a self-destructive pattern of behavior here that he repeats. And the repetitiveness of this behavior has cost him relationships. So what makes you think that if you were to date him, that he wouldn't continue to lie to protect himself, that he wouldn't continue to fear being alone (and date you for all the wrong reasons), and that eventually, he wouldn't jump from YOUR relationship right into another one....like he's done many times before?

Think about that dear. Chances are, you're not going to break this man's pattern of self-destructive behavior simply by dating him, ya' know? The chances are extremely high that he'd do the same exact thing with you - and self-destruct - as he's done many times before. People are who they are dear. They don't change overnight and they certainly don't change when they don't even realize that THEY are the problem, ya' know?

"I feel like he disappointed me, and he hurt me, however unintentionally"

That wasn't unintentional dear. He PLANNED every single lie, BEFORE he ever even met you. And then while dating you, he KEPT UP that lie and perpetuated it. That is not unintentional. There was a lot of intention behind constructing that lie, that farce, and a lot of effort put into perpetuating it.

"So what do you think? Should I wait to see if this guy is interested enough to "man up" and win me back?"

Honestly dear, I don't think this man is "commitment" material :-( I don't think this man is relationship ready. Meaning, I don't think he's worked out his own "stuff" in order to have developed the skills necessary to have a happy, healthy and long term committed relationship with anyone. His "stuff" is getting in the way. It's causing him to be non-committal and it causes him to self-destruct his relationships with others. As a result, I do not think this man, regardless of how much he may want one, is ready for a real relationship. And I don't think he currently has the skills required to maintain one.

In order to have a happy, healthy, long term committed relationship, you have to have certain skills such as honesty, trustworthiness, sacrifice, compromise, reliability, consistency and thoughtfulness towards others...all of which he currently does NOT possess. And this disqualifies him as "relationship ready" :-(

Cont...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Or should I drop a casual hello text and see if he takes the bait?"

Only if you want to go through a lot of drama, experience a lot of his "stuff" and possibly end up having him move on from you, as he's done to many others, because of it. This man has not changed overnight dear :-(

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much, Aphrodite, for responding to my post dated 09/20/14 11:00PM.

You answered my question in a very thorough and insightful manner, and you told me what I NEEDED to hear, not what I WANTED to hear. For that, I am truly thankful. Now I can stand firm in my decision to leave behind this insecure, self-destructive man and move forward with other suitors. Also, I just want you to know that though we are strangers, you have made an impact on my life, through your thoughtful and caring reply, and furthermore, through your blog, with its many revelations on love and relationships. I wish I could give you a hug! =)

Much appreciation,
Neena

Anonymous said...

Dear MOA,
I keep coming reading your artciles from time to time, they are really helpful, thank you very much for them. I would like to ask you a question. I know men who used to be players and now are married( looks like happily). I care about one man who is player... I am just wondering do players and other non suitors happen to be in the period of their life when they just dont want relationships and behave in such ways with women ( not gentlemanish) or i am just a wrong woman/bad timing (for me) for them if they don't want to step up/man up to be with me? For some woman they will do it for sure, right!! Thank you for your answer in advance.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 6, 2:38 PM,
"I am just wondering do players and other non suitors happen to be in the period of their life when they just dont want relationships and behave in such ways with women?"

Some of these men grow up and mature emotionally and settle down - and some never do. There's no way to predict who will and who won't. It all depends on the man's level of maturity and whether or not he's ready and/or even wants a relationship. Some eventually do settle down, but some never do and continue to act and live as bachelors well into their 60's.

Anonymous said...

I would like to see more actual names of players and where they are from mentioned on this site. I'll start...Bob McCarthy of Shrewsbury and Falmouth MA. I hope other follow.........

Anonymous said...

Why are their so many insecure guys/players out there? Maybe its easier for these aholes to pretend to be someone their not than to cope with real life. I would think all these games and lies are very hard to keep straight.

pisces girl said...

player= doesn't put in any effort to call or text you or plan dates-expects females to do all the work-very lazy, entitled attitude and arrogant.
player=only talks to you when he sees you somewhere where it could lead to a potentially easy hook up ie. a bar where drinks are involved to help him achieve his goal with the least amount of effort on his part
player=doesn't waste time to ask you to go home with him even if he barely knows you as a person.Forget dinner and movie dates. Players don't like to spend their money on females.
players=claims he was sick when asked why he didn't follow through with dinner date plans yet he is out drinking/partying (like Mirror mentioned he's quick on his feet)
player=claims he's shy as an excuse to not talk to you sometimes but you will see him chatting up other girls. He will also get his buddies to vouch for him and put in a good word or two for him to you or also try telling you he's "shy"
player=when straight up asked if he is a player he avoids answering that question but says that he doesn't cheat when he's in a relationship..
player=claims he's been heartbroken more than once
player= will often be out every weekend on the prowl
and Mirror come to think of it you're totally right about the grin and/or smirk the player I know always has that look at the gym! that's why I always kept my distance -woman's intuition I never did trust him even though he tried to act all nice and innocent
player= always pretty happy go lucky since he has herds of females chasing him and vying for his attention and telling him how great he is. He feels like king of the jungle and appears very confident. But often times players have had shattered dreams and know they are not living up to their full potential. When I learned more about the player I realized he once had dreams of becoming a hockey player and claimed he was scouted out because he was just so great and could of made millions but instead of doing that (hes too old now) he is instead doing less than admirable things to make money....
player=cant remember anything about you ie where you work. will ask you the same question more than once. He talks to so many females its hard for him to remember anything.
player=usually very good looking, dresses nice,very fit, drives a nice car, has a nice house. Is a visual creature. Appearances matter to the player.

Gotta beware of these guys. I knew I met a player and realized early on he just wanted to have a good time and one night I just said F it I wanna have fun for once too. As long as you know it will never lead to anything more than a fun time and you literally have ZERO expectations than two can play that game.
But Mirror you're so right its hard to not have any expectations and become disappointed especially after giving in and having sex. They don't call or message and you really cant expect it because they never put in much effort before that. So when you see the player again and you're kind of pissed off at him I suppose you have to play it off cool like you don't really care that you haven't heard from him at all and just smile and be cool because you've been too busy living your life and going on dates and not thinking about him...it will be hard to do that but I guess dealing with a player is never simple. ITs always a complicated game. If you have sex with a player does that mean he automatically wins and game over for you? don't players get insecure too when they don't hear from a girl especially one who has seen their package? doesn't that make them question things in their mind. ie... maybe she wasn't overly impressed by the sex or maybe she didn't think I measured up? lol I wish I could get in a guys mind for once!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 24 at 8:13 PM,
"Why are their so many insecure guys/players out there? I would think all these games and lies are very hard to keep straight."

They are. Which is why I always suggest waiting a man out, and instead, OBSERVING him and his actions/behavior for an extended period of time first. Because if you're "gaming" people and you're fibbing all over the place and you're not being genuine...in time, you will eventually screw up and give yourself away.

So if you wait and observe first, then invest emotionally and physically later...you have a much better chance of filtering men who are less than genuine out - prior to becoming too involved with them and getting hurt. Fools rush in. And when you rush in without waiting first, that's when you place yourself at risk of getting hurt or used. Whereas, if you just wait on things, wait to get involved emotionally or sexually, if the man isn't being genuine, he'll flub up somewhere along the line and give himself away - BEFORE you're involved.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Pisces Girl,
"Mirror, come to think of it, you're totally right about the grin and/or smirk. The player I know always has that look at the gym! That's why I always kept my distance - woman's intuition I never did trust him even though he tried to act all nice and innocent."

I call it the "cat that ate the canary" smirk. And many body language experts refer to things such as this - subtle facial gestures. For instance, if a man is saying he never cheats, but his eyes light up when he says it (somewhat excited or upbeat), or the corners of his mouth turn up (as in a slight smile)....he's lying - and he's happy with himself about getting away with it.

"If you have sex with a player does that mean he automatically wins and game over for you?"

Well it's not really about winning or losing dear. If you come out of it with your confidence and self-esteem intact - then you're doing just fine :-)

"don't players get insecure too when they don't hear from a girl especially one who has seen their package?"

Secretly I believe they do - although they'd never admit that. Instead, it can manifest in their actions. For instance, if they see you and suddenly act as if they don't know you. That's an aggressive move through a passive action that's meant to "sting" you...because they're feeling stung already themselves.

But each individual is different, so as with anything, time is required to observe actions and get to know someone to try to gain more clarity into their actions.

Anonymous said...

The player I was with is not good looking and looks older than he is. We got to know each other than began to date. I suspected early on but knew this wasn't going to last. He was a rebound.

He has no idea how much I know about him not by my choice. I'll use it when the time comes. Beware to the player I know!! He's so self absorbed he won't see it coming!!!

And YES it bugs the crap out of him when I don't respond to his calls or texts! He can't understand why I don't jump.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Mirror of Aphrodite Oct 25th @1:02.

Your correct. If someone is lying all the time they can't remember what they told anyone. And after a while they will say the wrong thing to the wrong person.

What bothers me is that this player I know has a lot of people around him overlook that major flaw in him. He 4 adult kids, who live off of him, from saying anything because he gives them everything. He buys them literly EVERYTHING! What a sick family he has. They see their dad having a few girl friends at a time and staying over and think that's ok. He acts like he is one of his kids.

One day this guys world will explode! I really believe in "what goes around comes around".

pisces girl said...

Arghhhghghghg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ok so last night I gave in and text him (Mr Dreamy/Dapper ) it had been exactly 2 weeks since we had hooked up and I was curious and surprised that I didn't hear from him AT ALL not even like a single text but I wasnt entirely suprised either because its not like he kept in touch before that. But after you hookup with a girl its a total douchebag move to not text at least one time! I take full accountability too and drinking is no excuse but I just couldn't resist and any woman who seen him would fully understand and probably eventually give in too. He was the predator and I was the prey. Anyways, I started getting all self conscious about myself and wondering if he was just totally turned off by me or my body or my personality or all of the above because I know i wasn't my most confident self around him and I started getting insecure with all my thoughts. So I caved and texted him admittedly for some attention and validation -stupid I know. I just said fyi-ill be keeping my distance next time I see you around because you are not the kind of temptation I wanna be giving into. And that was yesterday evening and the DOUCHEBAG hasn't even replied!! can you believe it!?!?not even like ok fair enough or I understand but I still had fun with you that night- N-A-D-A! arghghghh I just gave him another opportunity to reject me! that piece of shit didn't even use a condom with me and now he's completely ignoring me!!im pretty pissed off! i knew I should of kept my distance from him all along but this is what happens when you cave -ladies don't let the perfect looking man and the charm fool you- stick to your guns, trust your intuition and make him prove himself to you! otherwise you'll end up feeling low on yourself and insecure and questioning everything about yourself:( im sure he just enjoyed the chase and after I gave in he was over it. Stupid Jerk Ass. Its not like Id ever want a relationship with him or wanna get too caught up with him because of his lifestyle choices and the fact that he is a playboy. I definitely wont ever be talking to him at the gym if and when I see him -in fact ill give him the dirtiest looks ever cause he's an Arrogant Douchebag. I hope his lifestyle choices catch up with him and he gets arrested and ends up behind bars where he belongs for all the bad boy activities that he partakes in!

Mirror I see for myself once again how you are right I come on here enough and I should of known better. Us females we cant just have the same kind of fun as men and think nothing of hookups because a hookup for a man involves no emotion other than being horny and in the moment it may feel the same way for us but beware of the aftermath...the disappearing man who leaves you feeling used, insecure and questioning everything about yourself while he's already off in search of his next prey. Its just not worth one night of fun.

Anonymous said...

Where I live almost every man I know is a player...lol. Ive been weeding out guys for the last few years following your advice. Im very sensitive, it AMAZES me how men play on womens emotions. I just ALMOST got played recently but I took my time and the truth came roaring out...lol. One of the things Ive noticed is that Playas FEED off of womens emotions. They love it when we get angry or show we care and they do more shitty things partially to provoke your emotional response its very cruel. I live in a city that's 7 women to 1 man practically, so its really BAD. You have middle-aged, balding, fat and just plain ugly playas who get away with MURDER. A lot of women here put out easily or don't know what to look for, they are easy targets which puts women like me who is older at a disadvantage in dating as the numbers almost ensure most guys don't actually hang around for a quality relationship. I think its getting bad everywhere though, I really wish every woman would read your blog here. You've done a great thing in exposing this epidemic.

pisces girl said...

Before he knows it that smirk will be wiped off his face and he won't even see it coming lol Don't get mad-get even!!. I got tired of leaving it in karmas hands to give these douchebags what they deserve and that doesn't guarantee anything. They seem to carry on with their lives completely unscathed some even thrive and its not fair. So yes there are consequences to our choices but they can't just can't be having one night affairs with random girls they barely know. Its actually doing them a favor to teach them a lesson. They never know who they're messing with. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Pisces Girl,
Well let's calm down for a just a moment here dear, instead of giving into unstable emotions and then regretting it later, okay? Let's look at this logically for a sec and face the reality here.

First let me say that I totally understand where you're coming from. However dear, you WILLINGLY walked right into this, ya' know? So I am having a hard time understanding why, all of a sudden, you're full of vengeance. When you knew from day one what you were walking into - and YOU decided to continue towards it, in spite of what you knew. You're feeling scorned, but who burned you dear - could it have possibly been yourself? Just think about that before you do anything you'll regret later.

Because if you are acting this way towards him, all you're effectively doing is letting him know just how much you secretly do like him, and you're also letting him know that you felt sleeping with him would lead to a relationship. These men can - and do - have one night stands with random women they barely know. And a lot of them do it all the time. Which is why men like that aren't worth risking your health or mental well-being on. They're chasing shallow thrills and in the end, they'll end up alone anyway. So you're best to distance yourself from men like that, instead of intertwining yourself with them and their toxic lifestyle.

This stuff right here dear:

"Its actually doing them a favor to teach them a lesson. They never know who they're messing with. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"

Guys like this EXPECT that from women. They hear and experience these kind of overly emotional displays all the time. That's nothing new for him. And no, it won't teach him a lesson, because he doesn't care, so he'll miss the message and won't absorb any of it. You know what it WILL do dear? It'll give him something to have a chuckle about with his buddies at the bar the next time he sees them - and guess who will be the "crazy chic" at the center of that story?

I'd seriously ask you to rethink your emotions right now dear, before they steer you even further into regrettable actions here. You know how he's carrying on with his life as if he's completely unscathed - and how much that is bugging you? Well guess what...that works BOTH WAYS.

So my suggestion here for you is that you cease believing you can withstand the consequences of casual sex - and not make the decision to participate in that anymore. That's number one. Number two, I would suggest that you NOT take action in this emotional state. I would instead suggest that you do and say nothing, and you carry on just like he is, unscathed and unaffected, and you let that germinate in his mind. You let that make him question himself.

Because if you lash out, you're effectively reassuring him that you care. However, if you do nothing, he will have to question why that is. Because this is probably a man that's used to women reacting emotionally and he expects it - and when he sees it, he knows he's come out on top.

Your job here dear - is to make him question himself, and wonder why he did NOT come out on top with YOU. Your job is to NOT be like all the other women he encounters. Your job is to maintain emotional stability, confidence and self-esteem.

NEVER EVER let men like this see you sweat dear - EVER.

pisces girl said...

Hi Mirror thank you very much for your candid response. You are absolutely right that I willingly walked into this situation and I take FULL accountability for my actions and think about what I could of done differently. But it all started with him pursuing me (very lazily I might add) but I was still surprised and flattered that a man that looked like him would even give me the time of day and each time I would decline his "come home with me" at the end of the night offers and I think that intrigued him somewhat because it showed him that I was different and a bit of a challenge. But I did realize very early on like back in February when he first approached me that this man wasn't interested in really getting to know me he due to the lack of calls and texts I figured that he just wanted to have fun hence why I avoided talking to him altogether whenever I seen him at the gym. That smirk/grin gave him away and instinctively I knew I needed to stay away. I think me not giving him the time of day intrigued him further he even asked me one night when he seen me out if I didn't talk to him because I have a boyfriend. I think it really did surprise him because he's probably used to women swooning over him and vying for some of his time and attention. The last time I seen him out he again came and approached me and I was quite standoffish and turned away from him because 2 weeks earlier in a text he said he wanted to take me for dinner (this is after I caved and text him) but of course never followed through and when I asked him about it he said he had been "sick" and wasn't even gonna go out that night. So I pretty much wrote him off as a bad boy but that didn't change my attraction for him and as the night progressed and I kept drinking my judgement got clouded. He was just looking so good (and tall) as always and after I seen him talking to a pretty girl I became the typical jealous girl, so after he made his rounds at the party and circled back around to me I allowed him to buy me a drink(a double) to cloud my good judgement even more and at that point I just thought to myself eff it! just relax and have fun tonight. It was clear that this guy wasn't looking for a relationship and I figured I wouldn't want one with him anyways(due to his bad boy lifestyle choices-drugs/partying/girls) so what's the harm in having some fun and seeing where the night leads.

pisces girl said...

Well that was definitely wrong thinking! and I know im smart enough to know that. He managed to get me to leave the party with him without even telling any of my friends and that is something I've never done before and was it worth it -I would say NO. Because a) the sex wasn't even good and b) I felt totally insecure and self conscious around him especially after the alcohol wore off the next day (and my makeup lol) and 3) I also felt a coldness from him the next day-he wasn't the same guy from last night -smiling and flirting with me and when he dropped me off at my car he didn't even turn to look at me I had to go in for a hug. I've never felt that sort of coldness from a guy before its like any attraction he had for me just flew out the window and he couldn't wait to get rid of me. So go figure I didn't hear from him at all after and I pretty much expected that since he never kept any communication in the first place but I thought maybe after we had sex there would at least be a text.. just a crumb -Something! but nope nothing at all. Meanwhile i couldn't stop thinking about him hoping id hear from him and creeping his fb picture so after 2 weeks when I did cave and text him to let him know I would be keeping my distance because he wasn't the type of temptation I wanted to be giving into you can only imagine how I felt when he completely ignored my message! that is beyond rude and hurtful even though I did bring this upon myself Mirror but to completely ignore me after we seen each other naked and had sex that's just wrong! It just makes me wonder if he was so repulsed by me or turned off and that makes me feel bad about myself not to mention it will be awkward when I see him again and I wont really know how ill act. I certainly wont be calling texting or speaking to him again that's for sure. I wont be going crazy on him either but actions speak louder than words and lets just say he really shouldn't have put his trust in a girl he barely took the time to get to know and confided things to me that could potentially land him in some really hot water. And Mirror you might not agree with me because yes Im a grown woman and I have to take full accountability for my own actions and I do. I was burned and maybe I did it to myself but I'll call it a lesson learned. I guess I cant really hate the player I just have to hate the game and learn how to play it right. I know ill get it there. thanks for your continued support xo

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Pisces Girl,
"to completely ignore me after we seen each other naked and had sex that's just wrong!"

It is wrong dear, which is why men like this aren't worth the time of day. And, as you know, sex with them isn't all that earth shattering either...so in the end, there's absolutely no real benefit to entangling yourself with men like this :-(

"It just makes me wonder if he was so repulsed by me or turned off and that makes me feel bad about myself"

Nope. You could be Pamela Anderson or Halle Berry and he'd have still treated you the same exact way. It's who these guys are dear - they are who they are. They're tendencies are "sociopathic/predator" - meaning, sociopathic in that they experience no regret, remorse, empathy or sympathy for others, and are "predator-like" about seeking out sex - always looking for victims.

(BTW, both Pamela Anderson AND Halle Berry have been cheated on...looks do not matter.)

Moving forward dear - don't let fear and insecurity steer the wheel. When they're both in charge, we as humans are not positioned to be making the best decisions for ourselves. I think insecurity may have led you to make the decision you made here (because you felt "not good enough" and when he threw a crumb of attention your way, insecurity caused you to latch onto that).

You are good enough dear. You are pretty enough. And when the RIGHT man comes along, he will take note of all of that - and you won't be hanging on crumbs from him, because he will instinctively know how to fulfill your needs and lift you up ;-)

pisces girl said...

Aww Mirror you are so right thank you so much for your kind words! <3 I read your response earlier and I was on my way to work and I tried to reply from my phone but once again i somehow managed to deleted my reply. I really need an MOA app on my phone lol it would be great for quick tip reminders when i'm out so I always make the right decisions and an easier way to post comments kind of like the FB app! oh and maybe there could even be an interactive online chat with all you ladies that would be so awesome-maybe one day ;). Anyways thank you for your reminder that even the most beautiful women in this world get cheated on like Pam and Halle and that reminded me of a book that I once skimmed through called It's not you It's him. A good reminder for women like me that we shouldn't always place the blame solely on ourselves and beat ourselves up for failed relationships or guys who walk away from us because often times its not us it IS them and chances are they wont be treating the next woman much better. Men who lack integrity, maturity and manhood usually don't respect anyone else and that's very evident in the way they treat others. When I found myself depressed and crying over my narcissistic aries ex who was an asshole and left me and got married to another woman I read something that changed my entire perspective. It was this "yes the new target won, but what did she win?"..... "he is still the same man with the same impairment."(esteemology.com)
When Gym told me why he was single he mentioned that he was crazy and that he's too much for women to handle or something along those lines. I should of ran for the hills when he himself admittedly told me he was crazy. Often times these guys try to forewarn us about who they really are but instead of us women taking heed of the warning(s) we choose to ignore.

pisces girl said...

You're right Mirror I have been allowing fear and insecurity to steer the wheel when it comes to men and going forward I cant allow that to happen anymore. I do feel that I have made a lot of progression though from where I was to where I am now even though clearly I still don't always make the best decisions. But with the knowledge I have gained from coming on here and realizing what men are like and what they look for (and its not just looks) I have been able to reel a lot more of them in. It's just managing to make them stick around that's been the problem! lol and sometimes its them, sometimes its me but regardless I have to believe that if a man can walk away from me or worse completely ignore me then he certainly wasn't the right man for me. I have to keep trusting and believing that whatever is meant to be will always find a way.
That night I seen Mr 6'1 blonde hair blue eyes (Gym) and he came and approached me and stuck by me the whole night even passing to go outside for a smoke with his buddy so he could stay with him I literally felt like I was on cloud 9. It's pathetic I know....there he was- a guy who had never even taken me out for dinner or even kept any kind of communication with me going and there I was feeling so special because out of all the girls that night he picked me to stand next to. Growing up I've never been that girl who got picked especially by someone like him so I was admittedly loving the attention and like I said along with the liquor all my good senses just flew out the window. I was just kind of high in that moment and it was just me and him in that room that was my sole focus. I thought hooking up with him would boost up my self esteem and confidence because I could manage to get a guy like that but it did just the opposite and now I feel more insecure than ever and keep questioning to myself what it was he didn't like about me and the list is long! :( all that work I did on myself for the last year to boost up my confidence and self esteem and he came along and now its plummeted once again. I share my experience with you and the other ladies because now I see first hand that you cant fall for the perfect smile and sparkling blue eyes no matter how model like they look or how weak they make your knees let them PROVE THEMSELVES FIRST even if you don't ever foresee a relationship with them. I think very good looking tall men probably never had to work too hard to get women so they aren't too accustomed to putting in too much work nor are they willing to. And you're right Mirror the sex wasn't earth shattering or even enjoyable! lol it certainly didn't correlate to how fast he made my heart beat when I seen him out. It was actually very disappointing and he wasn't very well endowed either although he believes that he is lol. Im not sure how ill react next time I see him I thought about giving him dirty looks but maybe I should walk by him and not even acknowledge him at all like he doesn't even exist in my world. I call this one: Experiences With Douchebag Males.
Anyways it is Thursday night-no date tonight but its ok I had a long day at work, need to unwind and maybe have a sip of wine. Thank you again Mirror and the other ladies for being so open and candid I read what everybody writes and even though I cant always relate there is always something I can learn from others experiences and it mainly helps realizing that I'm not so alone in this quest to find whatever it is that i'm looking for because I'm still trying to figure out what that is exactly but for now at least I know what it isn't.

pisces girl said...

so I seen him at the gym today...he definitely seen me too and of course he didn't bother coming to talk to me. Really hurtful. I feel like crying. I feel so burned. I did this to myself. I thought we could just have a good time but I didn't realize he would be so repulsed by me that he wouldn't want anything to do with me after. I just keep wondering what it was. Was it my face my body my attitude or just the fact that I wasn't a challenge anymore. I'm really sad actually I was so attracted to him and still am!!! I told him in my text I wanted to keep my distance from him and I did and he has too but that's not really what I wanted. I wanted him to at least text me back. But to act like I don't even exist that's beyond mean. Im also feeling scorned, angry and vengeful. How could he be so rude! What is so wrong with me?>???? I know im not a perfect girl FAR from! but I don't think im that hideous or repulsive. This suxs. Its hard to feel motivated in life when you don't feel like anyone is interested in you or attracted to you. I just wanna crawl under a rock right now.

Lottie said...

Pisces Girl,

As Ms Mirror says, It has nothing to do with you. Please don’t beat yourself up.

He’s a lost and deluded soul. Makes one wonder how people can go through life like that.

You’re hurting, …take time to heal,… might be a good idea to avoid that gym for a while… it’s only going to be more painful.

Don’t jump into anything for a while….take your time and don’t rush things.
It’s so important to ones well being when one has been burnt like this.

You’re emotions are completely valid, do feel them, do not suppress them. Just Do Not act on them. Do not give him that satisfaction.

Although it might not feel like it at the moment…those emotions will die down and if you let yourself heal and reflect on Your needs and wants, what will emerge is a stronger more confident you.

Take care.
Lottie x

pisces girl said...

Aww thanks for your kind words Lottie. I actually went to the gym twice today hoping I would see him. I didn't though which is probably a good thing. I can't stop thinking about him hes soo hot and im still physically attracted to him even though hes the biggest dbag.I can't help but feel burned. Two weeks ago he was wanting to take me home and be all sexual now he wants nothing to do with me and I don't know why I could only imagine. I'm so far from perfect but this really brought out my insecurities. I'm mad at myself for giving into him and giving him what he wanted. I did this to myself now thinking I could just have fun with him since I would never want a relationship with him but I realized the hard way it doesn't work that way. Emotions get involved feelings get hurt and now I'm worried he'll tell other guys at the gym. I'm pretty sure he did tell one guy last time I was there. How do I recover from this? I know about all his illegal activities i thought of maybe making that known to authorities maybe that will shake up his world and get his attention and he'll never know its me. Sometimes a girl just needs to get revenge on a douchebag

Lottie said...

@Pisces,

I think Ms Mirror has warned us about the pitfalls of casual encounters.
I think focusing on healing and maintain one’s dignity is probably the best course of action right now…no matter how sweet revenge sounds.

Looking back, I think I could have caused some damaged to Scorpio’s reputation, …but l think I’d rather have peace of mind and leave it up to the universe to teach him a lesson. Because I know it will.

Have some faith that this douchebag will get his comeuppance.

Lottie x

pisces girl said...

@ Lottie
the thing is i can honestly say i have never been one for casual hookups and leaving the bar with a man is something I have never done before in my history of going out- even my best friend was surprised that i did that. I remember leaving with him but in that moment i didn't have any qualms about it at all i was just like "lets go!". Douchebag told me he never leaves with the crew he goes with lol-another Red Flag that this man probably has a lot of casual hookups. But Lottie if you were to see this man (despite knowing everything i told you about him)you would understand..his face and body is just perfection (6'1, blonde hair/ sea blue eyes/perfect skin and so incredibly fit) and he was actually interested in me - i was just Elated!throw the alcohol into the mix and it was game over. I wish i didn't leave with him because i wish he didn't have to see me looking the way i did in the morning and being all hungover it wasn't pretty lol but more importantly it proved to him that my actions didn't correlate with the things that i said on prior occasions when i told him that " im not that kind of girl " when he was trying to get me to go home with him. I think me not giving in just intrigued him further and made him more curious about me but once i did the challenge was over and the mystery was gone. I sort of expected that and i really didn't think i would care this much! after all this is a bad boy, a playboy and a man who lives life in the fast lane-out pretty much every weekend. Add to that the fact that we come from 2 different worlds- i didn't think we would have much in common other than the physical attraction so i figured why the heck not just let loose and have fun tonight and it had been soo long since i was affectionate with a man a part of me was really yearning for that. Plus i kind of jumped on the opportunity because other than seeing him out at the bar he wasn't talking to me at the gym or calling or texting me>another red flag and all the more reason for me to decline leaving with him!! But i was curious about him too, he had managed to intrigue me enough telling me that he's such a nice guy and that's why he gets his heart broken because girls seem to want assholes but i realize now that that was all bullshit and lies ! he is that asshole guy and he's not "shy" as he claimed all the time that was just his cop out for not talking to me at the gym or calling me... Anyways, i can go over this a million times in my heard but what's done is done and all i can do now is reflect. As Khalil Gibran says "your pain is the breaking of the shell towards your understanding" and at the end of the day no matter how big of a douchebag this man is, i made my own choices and i have to deal with my own self esteem issues and insecurities that come with the aftermath. I just cant get over how he would flat out ignore my text and not even look my way at the gym after that night- Beyond Rude!!! Even if he was so repulsed or turned off by me he didn't need to ignore me like that and act like he doesn't even know me. From now on I don't care how hot and sexy a man is and even if i don't see any future with him at all i definitely wont be having anymore casual hookups. Mirror also warned me about guys from the gym who think that they are God's gift to women. I don't care who the hell he is from now on I'm still going to expect him to put in some effort and i realized a lot of times they feel better about themselves when they do it just makes them feel like more of a man and they actually enjoy challenges and working hard to win and after that i can decide if i see a future or not.

pisces girl said...

I read a book that i downloaded from Amazon called The Power of the Pu&*Y and it was a quick read but what i took from it was what Mirror always says -make them wait for sex, the ones who are actually interested in you for the right reasons will and see if they will pass the test and be your prince charming in some way sort of like the damsel in distress because if he is interested enough and cares enough he will come and save the day like if your car breaks down or something.
This douchebag will get his comeuppance Lottie. I stopped leaving that in faiths hands to an extent though because sometimes that doesn't always seem to work and i think he should learn to not be so trusting of every girl he meets and the things he willingly chooses to share when he doesn't even take the time to get to know her. I remember him asking me if im a cop lol im not but what this bad boy didn't realize was that you shouldn't share details about your illegal activities and then piss someone off. He claims that no matter what happens he's pretty much covered and has his crew to back him so he's good. That is where his arrogant attitude and believing he has the white man privilege come into play so he really believes he can do whatever he wants and get away with it... we'll see about that....

pisces girl said...

and as crazy as this sounds i almost want him to know that i snitched on him!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Pisces Girl,
Well, it sounds as if the damage has already been done. And if that's the case, be prepared for blow back on this - these actions will most likely have some sort of ripple effect that will blow back on you in the form of more drama dear, and possibly a unwanted reputation at the gym. Meaning, don't be surprised if you get slapped with the "crazy chic" label by those there that may become aware of the actions you've taken :-(

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I'm trying to help you, so please understand that. And in order to do that, I'd like for you to think about something dear, okay? Think about this...are you punishing HIM for YOUR regrettable decision?

I'm not justifying his actions, he is who he is. And chances are, he'll remain the same, this won't affect him and life will go on. You can't control others dear, you can only control your reaction to them. So think about it - have you controlled your reaction to him? And are you punishing him because you were unable to control your reaction to him? And who (what energy) is in control of you right now - fear, insecurity, turmoiled emotions? And are these healthy things to give into - to give power to?

Again, not trying to beat you up dear, I'm trying to help you. We're all on the same journey and that journey is sometimes an uncomfortable one for us all. But - are you truly following your path right now?

Just some food for thought dear. I do hope you recover from this in a positive manner.

pisces girl said...

You’re right Mirror I am punishing him for my own regrettable decisions. I basically walked right into this and asked for it and I have enough awareness to realize that but it doesn’t change what happened. I take full accountability for my part and have had to deal with a huge blow to my self-esteem as a result but im also punishing him for how he treated me with complete disregard afterwards and partly how the douchebags that came before him treated me. Coincidentally my asshole aries ex had the same name. Sure that may not be entirely fair but at this point it’s the only thing that’s making me feel a little better. I did wrestle with the idea of revenge on him using the information I had at my disposable because being a vengeful bitch is not really my gentle pisces nature but he just brought it out of me. I wont be telling him what course of action ive taken against him though because I wouldn’t want that to backfire on me. So ill just sit back now and watch to see how things unfold and hopefully this will knock him off his high horse but I highly doubt it –he is who he is and I certainly can’t change that. My best friend said she seen him this past weekend when she was with another friend of hers and he was checking out her girlfriend hardcore so that just goes to show this guy has a wandering eye and I don’t think that he would have loyalty to anyone even if he did have a girlfriend. He did tell me he doesn’t cheat if he has a girlfriend but im very skeptical of that along with everything else he’s said. I suppose that he prefers to stay single so he can have casual hookups all over the place and not have to answer to anyone but I guess that’s his choice and has nothing to do with me since im not his girlfriend.
This is a very tough journey Mirror. Sometimes I feel like giving up and calling it quits. I try so hard to be my best in other aspects of my life but experiences with douchebags really take a toll on me and for every step I make forward these blows to my self esteem take me ten steps back. I know he’s just one man and there’s many more of him in this world but im still really attracted to him which makes no sense given how he’s treated me and having to still see him is hard because its really makes me come face to face with the bitterly harsh rejection.
I’ll have to keep plugging along though that’s all I can really do
thank you for your continued support. xo

piscesgirl said...

Hi Ladies...i really should be in bed right now- gotta early start tomorrow and a long work day ahead of me but I'm in emotional turmoil right now and cant fall asleep. I seen the douchebag at the gym today. Ok- ill admit i did go around the time i knew he would be there and i seen him and once again he seen me and didn't even acknowledge me or look my way but as i was heading out he was going to the front desk to ask for a towel and when i looked up he was there and we made eye contact -we were literally within a few feet of each other and then he turned and walked away. Not a head nod, a smile -nothing! but i expected that and wasn't overly surprised and i did the same and left. But i was soo very tempted today to go up to him and ask him what was up with him ignoring my message and just to make him worry tell him that i have cop friends. i literally pictured myself doing that (craziness i know!!) I even thought that maybe if i started talking to another hot guy at the gym that might get his attention and make him jealous but i know that he probably wouldn't care much-that attitude of indifference from men frustrates me to no end because no matter what you do they seem to remain completely unaffected and just don't give a shit one way or another. I can honestly say that as high and elated i felt knowing this guy was attracted to me before i now feel the complete opposite-down n out and depressed. I knew if i got involved with him it would be a bad idea and wouldn't end well and instead of listening to my gut i ignored it and now im here-again. I was just so curious about him. There's nothing anyone can do to change the way i feel right now.....

piscesgirl said...

I went for drinks with my best friend and another guy friend tonight and i was telling the guy about this jerkface and he said next time at least make them take you for dinner before giving it up because it sounds like he just wanted to hit it and quit it. I felt like a total idiot even telling him what happened because i knew that for myself ! i know you need to make a man show you through his actions that he is genuinely interested before you give him the time of day let alone sleep with him. But my mindset was all wrong from the get go i realized he wasn't going to lift a finger A and B i figured i wouldn't be interested in having a relationship with him so why not just let loose and have fun......now im wishing i could press rewind and go back in time to that night and tell him once again that i wasn't going to leave with him because i wasn't that type of girl. My girlfriend said that dancing and grinding with a guy leads him on and makes him believe that you want it so he gets the wrong idea and thinks you are that kind of girl but is seductively dancing with a man even off limits?? even if you are labelled a tease what does it matter as long as you're not giving it up at the end of the night. My guy friend told me he probably has another girl that hes seeing. Go figure, that same night i left with him i seen him talking to another pretty girl. Instead of seeing that as a major red flag i ignored it and told myself hes not my boyfriend he can talk to whoever he wants and being a little jealous it made me flock right back towards him. When i asked him about that girl he told me that she was saying she didn't want to leave without his number. I know my girlfriend is right im putting him on a pedestal for nothing because other than his looks he doesn't have much to offer personality wise or otherwise and she even thought he came across as quite cold and arrogant. I know he wasn't right for me but im bothered that a man that attractive would once find me attractive and now he wants nothing to do with me and i don't even know why. I know there wasn't much sexual chemistry between us but i just keep thinking what else it may have been and that makes me feel really bad about myself. All this stupid stressing over a guy is the last thing i need right now i have enough other stressful things i need to think and worry about but this is so hard. I get that i cant control other peoples feelings for me but i cant even seem to control my own feelings. How do i redeem myself now and start to feel better about myself again?? I truly do wish him really bad karma in his life for completely ignoring me and dismissing me like he doesn't even know me and i never even existed that's just really harsh and mean:(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Pisces Girl,
My suggestion to you dear - cease dating for an entire year. And then during that year, work on yourself, be kind to yourself. There are clearly deep insecurities here that are causing this behavior and the emotions and if you do not take the time out to work through those, this will happen time and time again each time you suffer a rejection. And let's face it, life is chalk full of rejection for each and every one of us, no one escapes that in life. So you need to work on developing personal coping skills to process these things in a healthy manner when they do happen.

If you remove the distraction of men from the equation, you're then able to focus on yourself. And I would suggest that you begin to involve yourself in things that produce positive emotions during that time, because stuff like that helps to build your self-esteem and confidence up. And rather than permit yourself to drift off into negative emotions and succumb to them, I'd suggest that when you find yourself doing that, do not allow yourself to remain in those thoughts for more than 5 minutes. After 5 minutes, you literally get physical - you get up and get active in some form physically, whether it be walking, exercising, cleaning the house...whatever keeps you busy physically and distracted mentally. That's one method of coping that replaces the negative by producing positive adrenaline and mental stimulation.

Because you need to understand dear that when you give a lot of weight to these negative emotions...you are literally manifesting more negativity into your immediate environment through the Law of Attraction which states that "like attracts like." If you are emitting negativity into the universe, through the Law of Attraction (a universal law), the universe is required to bring MORE OF THAT right back to you. It has to balance that by providing "like" energy. Some call it karma, but that's how it works. The energy that you're emitting will be the energy that is drawn right back to you. So if it's entirely negative, the universe can't distinguish between the two, it can't say "oh that's negative but we'll provide her with positive." It doesn't do that. It sense negativity and then it manifest MORE of that around you. To the universe, you're like a beacon emitting waves. The universe sense that, and then sends more of the same exact waves right back to you. If you do not correct the energy emission, the thought patterns you're having right now will only create karma in the form of more negativity coming right back at you.

It might help to realistically look at what happened here. He made attempts, you gave in, it happened and then afterward, you sent him a text referring to him or the experience as a mistake I believe...one that you didn't want to make again. He knew what that meant. He knew that was basically the equivalent of telling him you never wanted to see him again and that you considered him a mistake. He respected your wishes there and he left you alone - and that was it. The reality here is that YOU rejected HIM when you sent him that text. So there's no need to feel sorry for yourself, because actually - YOU were the one doing the rejecting here. All he did was react to it by understanding that and respecting your wishes.

So see the situation for what it is dear. Have confidence in yourself. You do NOT need this man to acknowledge you. Your happiness in life is NOT going to come from this man, nor should it come from ANY man. It should come from within YOU. So he's of no need to you. You have everything you need to be happy already. So appreciate what you have and do not pine for things you don't have that would only bring you grief and unhappiness anyway.

Cont...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

You already have everything you need dear. All you need to do is to take the time to be grateful for it, appreciate it, and be thankful for it - and turn your mindset into a positive one by dwelling on those positive things, instead of the one minor negative thing that recently happened that doesn't matter in the long run anyway because again - you don't need this man's acknowledgement to be happy.

Give all of that some serious thought dear - and then start taking small steps each day to be thankful. If you can do that, eventually you'll see your spirits lift. And it starts by no longer going to the gym - that's step number one :-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@chk61,
"I think it would be rude to not RSVP to the party evite at all. What do others think?"

I wouldn't act any differently towards that RSVP for him, than I would towards an RSVP coming from anybody else. Meaning, don't change your normal behavior regarding it, simply because it came from HIM, ya' know? Because if you do, he'll sense that he's affected you and I don't think you want to give him that satisfaction.

So if you decide not to go, I'd RSVP in that manner. I'd keep it simple, I wouldn't explain yourself to him, and I wouldn't handle it any differently just because it's him. And honestly, I probably wouldn't go. It would most likely be awkward at best, and it would probably dredge a lot of emotions back up that you've worked hard to overcome. So I wouldn't risk setting myself back at this point.

Besides, he's probably expecting you (any any others he invited) to jump on that LOL. It's a crumb he's sending and he's most likely expecting you to suck it up. If it were me, I'd be the "different" woman, and I'd kindly and respectfully decline the invitation with confidence, showing him that you have a life of your own and that he's not ranking as much of a priority in it right now. Give HIM something to think about dear ;-)

pisces girl said...

Thank you for your kind words Mirror. You are absolutely right that I do have everything I need in life and I don’t need this man’s acknowledgment to be happy and fulfilled but it still hurts to be totally disregarded like that. This has been a huge blow to my ego and my self esteem has suffered immensely as a result and I just feel really sad. None of it was worth it. I wish I was still curious about him and he was still curious about me, I should of left it at that and I wouldn’t have to be going through these harsh feelings of rejection right now. I absolutely do feel rejected because I never heard from him AT ALL after that night and he ignored the message I sent him. I wasn’t rude at all I just said Ill be keeping my distance from you next time I see you because you are not the kind of temptation I wanna be giving into. He could of at least replied.
I have been single for a long time now and in that time ive been working to build myself up and work on my confidence and I think that’s what attracted him to me in the first place and the fact that I was trying to look my best and take care of myself but now I’m no longer a mystery and a challenge so he’s just over it. I guess you are right that I need to take more time for myself right now, stay single and avoid the gym and work on myself but I do feel some pressure Mirror im not getting any younger and it seems more acceptable in society for men to be single “bachelors” when they are older than it is for women to be and in a few months ill be 30 so im kind of freaking out that ill never meet anybody and ill forever be alone.
What you said about the law of attraction makes total sense and I believe in it wholeheartedly. Like attracts like and the energy you transmit out into the world is the same energy you get right back whether it be positive or negative. I know its impossible to have a positive happy life with a negative frame of mind but sometimes its hard to control those negative feelings and not allow them to permeate your life. I try to be thankful and smile but inside im not happy and don’t feel fulfilled so it feels fake. Ive been patient for so long. Ive tried to work on myself for so long and still nothing has changed and its frustrating!
And im sure this guy he has hoards of women chasing after him so I probably don’t even cross his mind meanwhile I sit here obsessing over him. How pathetic is that. This is so disheartening. I thought there were exceptions but I realized there are none. Everything ive read and learned from this site and the advice you’ve given me and others I realized its applicable all of the time not just some of the time regardless of the man and the situation.
Thanks for the reminders Mirror.
God Bless you.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Pisces Girl,
"I just said Ill be keeping my distance from you next time I see you because you are not the kind of temptation I wanna be giving into. He could of at least replied."

Think about it though dear...what is someone supposed to say to that? I mean, what's a proper response, ya' know? That's the kind of thing you read and then say to yourself, "Oh okay, she wants distance between us, she wants me to leave her alone" - and so that's what you do, you leave the individual alone.

I'm not saying this guy is Prince Charming here, I mean, obviously he's a seasoned player - but still - that's really not the kind of message you respond to...unless you want to get into a deeply heated argument, which most men avoid like the plague LOL.

"I do feel some pressure Mirror im not getting any younger and it seems more acceptable in society for men to be single “bachelors” when they are older than it is for women to be"

Nah, times have changed dear - and that's an old sterotype.

"I try to be thankful and smile but inside im not happy and don’t feel fulfilled so it feels fake"

That's okay dear - fake it till you make it. You know how some people lie so much that they start believing their own lies? It's like that...fake it to the point where it feels real. And then guess what? It BECOMES real - because those positive thoughts manifest into reality :-)

"this guy he has hoards of women chasing after him so I probably don’t even cross his mind meanwhile I sit here obsessing over him. How pathetic is that."

It's not pathetic dear. It's a human response to rejection is all. And it only grabs hold of you if you permit it to stick - so dump it like a hot potato.

"Everything ive read and learned from this site and the advice you’ve given me and others I realized its applicable all of the time not just some of the time regardless of the man and the situation"

I learned the hard way dear. I've been where just about every single woman on this site has been at one point in time or another. I can relate. But I'm also living proof that once you sicken of the crap, you can grab hold of the reigns and change your mindset...even if your immediate environment experiences no changes that justify that...and you CAN turn things around for yourself.

Here's why:

“Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits, your habits become your values, your values become your destiny.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Notice where it all starts dear?

It ALL starts IN THE MIND. Once you get the mind under control, the universe takes over and the rest falls into place :-)

pisces girl said...

Mirror I love that quote by Gandhi it really all does begin with your thoughts -your whole future is literally shaped with one seed of a thought that grows and flourishes so we need to constantly be aware of our thoughts and frame of mind and what you said about turning things around for yourself regardless of what your immediate environment experiences are makes sense. It reminds me of a book I once read called Man's Search for Meaning about how a Jewish man lived to talk and write about his experiences in a Nazi concentration camp by relying on the power of his thoughts "“Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.” ― Viktor E. Frankl

pisces girl said...

Sometimes it feels like a man is our end all and be all and we allow him to have so much control over our thoughts and emotions and that's such a dangerous way of thinking because it leads to obsession, crazy erratic behavior, mental and emotional breakdowns, and when your in the midst of it all like I am right now its hard to step outside of your experience and look at it from a logical standpoint and see it for what it really is. When I think about it for me all it really was was an experience -one that I clearly wanted to have at least in that moment and I could foresee the outcome before it even happened which was that it wouldn't lead to a relationship and I might get burned but I still went ahead with it so I really shouldn't be sitting here acting all that surprised. I also shouldn't have had any expectations from someone who never put forth any effort to begin with but being the female that I am I erroneously thought that perhaps because I allowed him full access to my body I could have some expectations from him afterwards-at least a fricken text!. That is completely ludacris and backwards though because having expectations should always come first before anything else takes place. In fact a man is probably deterred to put forth any more effort after he has already managed to get what he wanted. My biggest regret wasn't so much the sex as much as it was the fact that he never had a chance to get to know the real me-which isn't just a face and a body. I really do have so much more to offer although many times I seem to forget that, and if I hadn't drank so much I would of remained calm, cool and confident which is probably what attracted him in the first place. Also note to self: a man should never see a woman hungover the next day looking like she got hit by a semi unless by that point he really loves her lol I had the worst headache the next day it was just awful and I couldn't be my best self I literally couldn't even finish my sentences he must of thought I was such a dumbass! I just couldn't wait to get out of there away from him because I was a total mess and felt so self conscious and I was stressing out about losing my favorite leather jacket and that's how he gets to remember his experience with me :(
When im too fixated on one man I also seem to forget how many billions of other men there are in this world and just because I wasn't compatible with this one man whom I deemed very physically attractive it doesn't mean I wont be able to find another man that is just as attractive and hopefully one that im also compatible with because attraction as Ive realized goes far beyond the physical. At least I know i was able to attract a hottie like that and reel him in so im sure I can manage to do it with the next one that comes along and the next time will be a whole different experience based on very important lessons taken from this one.

pisces girl said...

My girlfriend basically told me the same thing you said about that text that I sent him which is if she were a guy she would of ignored it too because really what are you suppose to say to that. When I asked you prior how I might be able to differentiate myself from other females after having sex with him your reply was:
"if you want to differentiate yourself from other women and throw him for a loop so that he thinks of you, the way to do that is to NOT do what he EXPECTS women to do....which is pursue him (contact him)" and I did just that for 2 weeks but then I caved and text him. Essentially I was tapping him and trying to remind him that I exist and seek some sort of acknowledgment but that did nothing but give him another opportunity to reject me by completely ignoring me. I justified it by thinking it might be a good idea so it wouldn't be as awkward next time I seen him at the gym or out and we didnt talk but nopeeee!!!! it was just as awkward seeing him at the gym especially coming face to face with him the other day. He is a seasoned playboy indeed and he's a bad boy who does illegal things to make money so he probably is doing me a huge favor ignoring me so I don't stay fixated on him. He may land in some really hot water one day (im hoping) and I wouldn't want to be intertwined with that.
"Fake it till you Make it" - Mirror it couldn't be more true! when you hear men talk and try to impress women they are blowing themselves up and making themselves sound like they are really something special and a lot of them lie in order to do that so I caught on to that and realized that I should start doing the same since it seems to work so well for them even the biggest losers and when I did I got far more positive reactions from men. I become a cross between confident and maybe a little conceited and I would bust their balls a little as per your advice and I could tell they loved that! especially the douchebags!! for instance when douchebag asked me once how old I was and if I was old like him (he's a year older) my reply was "im younger than you and always will be and thats all you need to know" lol he smirked I could tell he wasn't expecting that reply! and another time I was flattering him a little but then I followed that up with "im still more attractive than you though" lol you really do have to build yourself up to be confident and throw them for a loop because then you're not boring you are different and different is very attractive! I wish I could still be that girl to him :( how one night can ruin it all.........who knows what the future holds though -maybe he will think about me one day and message me or maybe if he sees me again he will approach me...its probably best if he doesn't but you just never know with these guys! doing nothing can be really hard but mirroring their behavior is the language they seem to understand best. When he didnt talk to me that day at the gym after he looked right at me I did the exact same thing and he's probably not used to females doing that to him lol so hopefully that threw him off a bit! Im starting to get to a little bit of a better place now in terms of him...I just need to remember that hes not the prize- I am and my thoughts attitude and frame of mind need to reflect that.

Anonymous said...

Mirror this is something I've been thinking about. This guy I was seeing was a player. He has a daughter. I wonder how the guy I dated would feel if his daughter dated a player and was treated like her father treats the women he dates.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 17, 9:40 AM,
I've seen this a million times dear. And while I can't speak for every man out there, I can say that those that I've seen...they don't "get it" until much, much later in life. Until they've matured enough to actually "SEE" it, ya' know?

Anonymous said...

Nov 17, 2014 @ 2:44 PM

This guy is 61!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous November 17, 11:21PM,
LOL, well the reality dear, is that some men never mature, and never end up caring about anyone but themselves. And when that's the case, many times there can be a undiagnosed clinical disorder behind it such as NPD, narcissistic personality disorder. Or even Sociopathic, which is by definition:

"...the most widely recognized personality disorder. A sociopath is often well liked because of their charm and high charisma, but they do not usually care about other people. They think mainly of themselves and often blame others for the things that they do. They have a complete disregard for rules and lie constantly. They seldom feel guilt or learn from punishments. Though some sociopaths become murders, most reveal their sociopathy through less deadly and sensational means."

As much as I hate to say this dear, some people just don't care, and never care - and lack a conscious or any sense of guilt and remorse entirely :-(

pisces girl said...

Hi Mirror:) just wondering if you have personally ever had to deal with rejection and if so how did you do so and come out of it with your confidence intact or even better than before?
im really struggling with that right now. I feel im totally back at square one as far as my self esteem goes or lack thereof...and Ive really been feeling bad about myself and questioning myself and everything that is wrong with me.i don't even have the motivation to take care of myself like I was before but as I mentioned im getting breast augmentation next month in the States. I feel like my fallout experience with the douchebag triggered some of my deepest insecurities. I m not doing it for any man but for myself and to feel better about my body but I hate feeling so insecure all the time. I feel like everyone is always staring at my imperfections...

pisces girl said...

meanwhile, the narcissist douchebag who is physically perfect and knows it was at the gym today with that same smug look on his face and if anything his chest is even more puffed up right now because he knows any girl ( myself stupid drunk self included ) would practically jump at the opportunity to be with him...I know you advised me to stay away from that gym but I pay a monthly membership and I cant cancel without a penalty so I still go and I really do enjoy that gym and all its amenities .. Today I walked in and scanned my card and he was standing right on the opposite side of the counter signing up for tanning and he was literally just a few inches away. Neither one of us looked at each other or said a word....its like we are complete strangers now and he doesn't seem to have any sense of caring not even an ounce of caring about completely ignoring me meanwhile ive been thinking about him daily and I know its ridiculous but I just cant help it. Even knowing about his criminal lifestyle and being a playboy who's out every weekend on the prowl. It just really sucks when someone you were and still are so attracted to treats you like you don't even exist. ..make me sad. I always remind myself that it was me who walked into this situation and anticipated I would get burned...and DID but regardless don't these creatures we call men have any regard for others feelings at ALL?!?!?!? im now certain that on top of being a narc he is a sociopath as well "A sociopath is often well liked because of their charm and high charisma, but they do not usually care about other people." yes he seems very well liked at the gym and has charm and charisma and talks to many people at the gym and if not at the gym he's talking on his phone..so he knows how to communicate- he just picks and chooses when and with whom to communicate with. They think mainly of themselves ....yep spends hours at the gym every damn day....and They have a complete disregard for rules (true he partakes in illegal activities to make money) and lie constantly-(claims he's such a nice guy and not a player or cheater) they seldom feel guilty or learn from punishments....OMG Yes! he told me about the dealings he does with a grin on his face because he said since he looks innocent and has a great smile he would never even be suspected and if he was caught he would have no issues evading any sort of punishment as if he's above the law or something! Mirror I cant believe it -narc and sociopath all rolled up into one! do these sort of men ever change????what makes a man that comes from a seemingly good family and is good looking become this way? is it shattered dreams of becoming a pro hockey player or maybe another traumatic event that happened? im just trying to understand better how he ended up that way-cold (as my best friend described him), calculating, complete lack of caring....what went wrong>>??how are these creatures developed....I know he's self professed mama's boy so I wonder if that may have anything to do with that selfish, entitled, arrogant attitude and thinking he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants...
Also if you were in my shoes and were so stupid to do the things that I did -sleep with him, text him, etc ( I know you are much smarter than that and wouldn't ever be in my situation)would you still be able to walk by this man with your head held high when you seen him because I want to mirror his behavior and show him that I don't care either and I still think highly of myself..even if I don't feel that way right now...
I just have to remember he's a very messed up individual himself- no doubt about that

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Pisces Girl,
"just wondering if you have personally ever had to deal with rejection and if so how did you do so and come out of it with your confidence intact or even better than before?"

We've all had to deal with rejection dear - many times over. It's simply part of the human condition and a fact of life. It took me a while to realize it, but in the end, it boils down to forcefully taking control of the mind, and then developing health coping methods for yourself. It's really that simple.

1) Don't permit yourself to give time and energy to negative thoughts. Do not permit yourself to ruminate over negative experiences or anything negative regarding them - for more than 3-5 minutes. Shed your tears during that time but don't let that exist for more than 5 minutes. Take control of the mind and don't let it venture into dark territory.

2) After the 5 minutes are up - get up and get busy - get physical - doing something, anything to distract the mind and get the body running to release all those negative toxins and anxiety you just created during the previous 5 minutes. Clean the house, go for a walk, delve into a hobby, go to lunch with a friend, go shopping, go to get a pedicure...do whatever it is you have to do to get busy...doing something else besides perpetuating and giving life to negative thought patterns.

If you practice this and you develop this as a habit - you move towards self-discipline and healthy coping methods, which then calms the mind - and significantly reduces the anxiety.

"I know you advised me to stay away from that gym but I pay a monthly membership and I cant cancel without a penalty so I still go"

I realize that dear, but no one ever said that taking care of yourself properly was easy either, ya' know? This requires work. True change requires work and sacrifice. Think about it...you're sacrificing your opportunity to heal and take care of yourself for what, a couple hundred bucks at the gym? You don't think YOU are worth more than the gym membership?

If you don't treat yourself as valuable dear, then no one else will either:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/08/how-do-you-value-yourself.html

"I really do enjoy that gym and all its amenities"

You have other options here as well if you simply won't leave the gym. You can switch your routine, the time you go, the days you go, etc. to take care of yourself here. You can get up really early in the morning to go, you can go two hours later than you normally go, you can go different days of the week, you can reduce it to the weekends only, or Monday through Wednesday only - you get the idea.

Understand that NOTHING can change - until YOU are WILLING to change first.

Change makes us uncomfortable. It feels unnatural until it becomes routine. However, like it or not, it is the work and sacrifice required to enact full change.

Cont...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"he told me about the dealings he does with a grin on his face because he said since he looks innocent and has a great smile he would never even be suspected and if he was caught he would have no issues evading any sort of punishment"

He's dreaming off in la-la-land dear. Trust me when I tell you this - if this guy ever got caught - he'd probably cry like a bitch. And you know what his good looks would do for him in that situation? They'd make him someones bitch in jail.

I've seen this dear, first hand. I have known boyish type charming men that have done a bit of time. And none of them came out the same. My BFF back in high school many moons ago, her brother was a case in point. He did 2.5 years in county prison on a drug charge. He was a naive, boyish, middle class all-American suburban guy and he was in his 20's at the time.

And you know what happened to him there? He was raped. And he witnessed 3 stabbings. And do you know what he did approximately 2 years later? He committed suicide. And do you know where all his pain came from, that took him down the route of drugs in the first place? His parents dysfunctional relationship and his childhood.

When people develop these conditions dear, or the traits that make them who they are, most of it if not all of it, is so deep-rooted, so hidden from view down in the depths...that much of it is only seen in retrospect.

But if this guy, who sounds "privileged" to me in some ways, thinks he's gonna charm his way out of any serious drug charge with a smile and a Cheshire grin - he's full of himself. I know another man some years ago that did about the same amount of time on a similar charge in a county prison. When he went in, he was a boyish, fun, naive, blond-haired blue eyed charmer with a high spirited personality. When he came out, he had lost all his hair and went bald on top, he always looked at the ground when he talked to you, the smile on his face and high spirits were gone, replaced by a much more serious tone, and after 3 months - he up and left without notice and took off to Arizona. He left the state.

Those types are very vulnerable in prison. They are still too "fresh." They're not hardened criminals with 3" thick steel walls built around their emotions and their humanity. They are weak prey, and they get preyed upon in many ways. If not physically, emotionally and mentally. A hard number is done on their psyche and they're forced to go through it to survive. And many times, they're in there for the first time with lots of men who have come and gone from there many times before them - and do their time with ease, knowing how it works and knowing what to expect and knowing what to do to survive it. The men like we're talking about here? They're the rabbit...and the wolves are all off howling in the distance, rounding up the troops for an evenings adventure.

And you can't charm your way out of that.

"if you were in my shoes and were so stupid to do the things that I did - sleep with him, text him, etc (I know you are much smarter than that and wouldn't ever be in my situation) would you still be able to walk by this man with your head held high when you seen him"

I'm human too dear. I've made mistakes. I've made poor decisions and I've exhibited poor judgment many times in my life. I've made just about every mistake every woman who writes here makes. No one escapes those life lessons. And I was born, raised and live in a small American-Italian town, where everyone knows everyone. And where it's really easy to bump into exes living nearby.

Cont...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

At first, if I felt I couldn't keep it together - I'd simply do my best to avoid the encounter, even if it meant ducking out of a store and bailing. But that rarely happens because most times, I end up so pissed off at my exes, that they're afraid to face me, and it ends up being them avoiding me LOL. Not because I went nutty but because of their guilt and shame, and the fact that they know if they confront me, I'll simply calmly hit them with hard truths that will make them very uncomfortable. Men avoid that kind of encounter at all costs LOL ;-)

In your case, what I'd be telling myself and reminding myself of in my head is this: "I dumped you. I chose to end this, and I walked away from YOU, because I knew you were no good for me. You use many women for sex, so now maybe you know what it feels like to be used for sex and then discarded and ignored. You've finally met a woman that was able to walk away from you, and that doesn't feel you're valuable."

Sound harsh? Good. Because it needs to be. If you have to take it to the extremes in your head to make it work, then so be it. Because if it works, if you start to tell yourself that enough, you'll start to "feel" it, and when you start to feel it in that way - it gives you the confidence to pull off an encounter with grace. He doesn't have to know what you're thinking in your head. He doesn't have to know what's giving you that confidence. And you're not going to share that with him, you're not going to speak these things, you're only going to think them to yourself - and all he has to know and see is that he didn't affect you.

When I see an ex nowadays, which amazingly rarely ever even happens anymore, after thinking like that in the past, nowadays, the first thing that pops into my head is the reason I left them. Then all the hurtful things they did rush to my mind. And then I'm easily able to smile about how thankful I am to not be with an immature punk anymore, and most times I even have a chuckle with myself out loud thinking about how petty and stupid and childish the entire relationship was. Those relationships are like a joke to me now. They feel like another lifetime ago. And I laugh at myself wondering how I even got into them in the first place, thinking about how stupid I was tolerating a bunch of crap from kid punks and then beating myself up over it all. It all feels so ridiculous to me now, that to reflect on those times is more like watching a Jerry Springer episode than it is real-life for me. Feels like I was a different human being, playing a "part" of some kind in an acted skit of some sort, where none of it was real - yet it was my life LOL. But I just can't connect with it anymore, none of it feels real, it feels like another lifetime ago, and it all looks ridiculous to me now as an outside observer of sorts. And I don't get sad about it - I actually find humor in it, believe it or not. My personal life has been fodder for some of my best one-liners and jokes LOL ;-)

It's all in the mind dear. It's all in your perspective. Life is what YOU make it. If you dwell in the negative, then you get more of it. If you dwell in the positive, then you get more of that - and you end up like me, blowing around in the wind, irritating your exes by smiling and kinda' giggling as you move by, playing Jerry Springer episodes on repeat in your head, cracking yourself up, light on your feet with bluebirds and butterflies swirling around off in the ether.

And they're left dumbfounded, scratching their heads, confused and thinking, "Huh, that was kinda' strange." LOL ;-)

Develop a healthy sense of humor about it dear. Because someday, you'll look back on all of this and you'll be laughing and shaking your head at yourself.

WomenPower said...

Hi Pisces Girl,

As you wrote: Im getting breast augmentation next month in the States.

Please reconsider your decision.

You are emotionally suffering right now and I think you should not do it. It won't make you feel more confident. You will suffer physically as well; it takes months to heal the wounds and you can be quite surprised of the result. Imagine Torri Spelling with all her money she had how her silicon breasts are wrongly placed and asymmetric. Sometime there are corrections needed and then the hell can start for you.

Quality men don't choose their partner based upon their big boobs... For sex yes, it's another story, some of them may prefer it, but for a relationship it's much more about your personality.

I have a colleague with the opposite problem: too big natural breasts. She feels so bad when men, even women are staring at her and she suffers being considered as a sexual object first. She cannot always hid it, so especially it's a big problem for her in summer. She's tired of vulgar men they bother her with sexist remarks. They will talk about you as: that one with boobs.

I read an interesting survey article if men would consider a relationship with an intelligent, nice girl with big silicon boobs. The majority of them told: no. That it would bother them that other males would be slobbering over her and they prefer natural...

If you were born as a natural big breast woman you would have no choice, but right now you want to enter this category and maybe you can later face consequences you would never imagine before.

Be proud of your body and who you are.

Anonymous said...

Dear Pisces Girl,

I am going to have to second Women Power on her comment before about breast augmentation.

My mom did that after her divorce from my dad, and the sad thing about it is, that as a result of the operation she formed blood clots, for which she had to take blood thinners, and every time she had the tiniest bump against something she would get these huge blue marks because of the blood thinners... long story short, this eventually led to her death when she fell and bumped her head really hard and due to the blood thinners she didn't stop bleeding internally and that was the end for her... she was only 51 years old :(

We are all unique and beautiful in our own way, no one needs surgery to be beautiful. Embrace your beautiful uniqueness and one day you will meet that man that will adore every inch of your natural self :)

Stand tall dear Pisces girl! x

Anonymous said...

HI Pisces,

I agree with Women Power. I think you should at least postpone the boob job until you're in a better frame of mind about yourself and what's happened. Yeah it might make you feel better on the surface but then again it may not....also risks...

I think you need to work on building up your self-esteem, loving and taking care of yourself and I don't think the boob job is the answer at this TIME. Fair enough if you still want to do it in 6 mths time or whatever. I know you've wanted to have it done for a long time from reading your posts...but think about it...have you made the decision to have it done NOW since you've had this trauma with this guy.

I've nothing against boob jobs and they can be the right thing in certain circumstances but I just think it would be better for you to wait and then do it if need be when the timing is better...up to you...

You know it sounds like this guy is all about the ego, superficial image and appearance, you're better than that!

I would imagine that you won't be able to gym it after the op, but if you can make appearances there, have a think about if you've had the op and he still ignores you.... Alright you might have a great pair of breasts but you're self esteem will still eat away at you....

...and what if he suddenly shows some interest...over a pair of breasts!!...you're better than that.

You know I had a thing with a guy in the gym once, story a bit different...but I started training like an athlete LOL to get his attention...it didn't work and I ended up with shinsplints as was told from a scan that I was inches away from a fracture that would've had me in plaster!

I agree with Ms Mirror also you really need to make some hard decisions you either stop going to the gym or you go at different times from him because which ever way you look at it, it will stop you from healing and getting over this...trust me I've been there...AVOID

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@The Ladies,
I'm really glad you've all brought up the breast augmentation surgery for PiscesGirl. I thought about touching on that, but reconsidered, hoping to address it a bit later after wading through some of the emotional fallout of this situation. But it DOES need to be addressed.

@PiscesGirl,
Please understand that these women here are supporting you. You're not being picked on. I, too, have heard of many a horror story about breast augmentation. And did you know, from what I gather, you cannot keep these FOREVER. All implants have a life span of about 10-15 years. Over time, they tend to break down and get hard. At the ten year mark, you need to go have an ultrasound or mammogram to make sure they haven't ruptured. If a rupture or asymmetry has occurred, you need to have them removed or replaced. And replacements cause more scar tissue. So if you're unhappy now, what happens 20 or 30 years from now after 2-3 future surgeries and a buildup of scar tissue occurs?

"The deflation rate of a saline implant at ten years is about 10%. The deflation/rupture rate of a silicone implant at seven years is about 3-4%.

You can be fortunate and go 20 or 30 years with your implants. However if you are unlucky, you can experience a rupture within a year or two of surgery. Implants have a warranty which helps cover some of the surgical costs should you experience an implant rupture.

Overall, you should expect to have more than one surgery in your lifetime if you have breast augmentation."

So please understand that breast augmentation is not a "one and done" event. The first one is simply the start of a lifetime of monitoring that includes possible ruptures, hardening, future surgeries and replacements, scar tissue.

"Breast implants are a long-term commitment, but they will not last a lifetime. They are likely to need replacing and more operations will be required to maintain the benefits of implants."

Please, please, please reconsider doing this. A man is not worth this, and you can bump up your confidence in many, many other ways that will NOT put you through a lifetime of emotional turmoil, anxiety and worry with future surgeries and potential pitfalls.

piscesgirl said...

@ Mirror and the Ladies.. I thank you all for your input regarding the breast augmentation and I have definitely taken into consideration all the short term/long term effects that you all speak of and like any surgery there can always be complications but I am just trying to stay hopeful and positive that all goes well and I hope for all of your prayers on December 9th as I will be going through with it. I have already booked the time off work, paid for my flight ticket and the surgery itself. When i was reconsidering the plastic surgery office told me they were going to keep 20% as a cancellation fee so i said no way to that because that is a lot of money that i can not afford to lose especially right now as I recently bought a condo and will be taking possession in January. Financially it definitely isn't the best time for me to be doing this and the fact that i wont be able to lift heavy boxes and move into my new place is something else I considered but this is something ive been wanting to do for years because ive been unhappy with my breasts. I know many of you believe that im doing this for a man but the truth is i'm not-yes he triggered some insecurities within myself and made me question many times over why he lost interest in me so quickly but I think sometimes its good to question yourself and make improvements where you see fit-improvements that you will make you feel better about yourself. Im realistic and I know that having bigger boobs isn't going to suddenly make him or any man him suddenly fall in love with me and I also know many men hate fake breasts but if it helps me love myself more and feel more womanly and confident- than why not? Ive been through surgery before when I had a rhinopasty 5 years ago and ladies I cant say I have ever regretted it. I went through life being called big nose and bullied and never received any positive attention from men- until after the nose job and its not because my nose was perfect after surgery -not by any stretch but it did make me feel better about the face that I presented to the world and made me feel more confident and beautiful and that confidence was projected from within. Im not aspiring to look perfect -afterall beauty is skin deep but I don't think there is any harm in wanting to feel better about myself and the way that I look. Going into the new year and before I turn 30 i just want to feel my best. But ill never be like the douchebag at the gym "all about the ego, superficial image and appearance" no because as my best friend said even though he is a good looking guy his personality takes away from his attractiveness and she would never even consider giving a guy like him a chance. He couldn't even hold a conversation with her when she tried to make some small talk with him to get to know him a little better and he had no sense of humour and didn't even smile when she tried to crack a joke with him. I am better than him! I treat everybody no matter who they are or what they look like with kindness and respect and Ive been told im a very sweet, loving person....that will never change even if my outward appearance does. So thank you all again for your care and concern and please just say a little prayer for PiscesGirl on December 9th -I will keep you all posted and let you know how it goes...

piscesgirl said...

on another note-"if this guy ever got caught - he'd probably cry like a bitch. And you know what his good looks would do for him in that situation? They'd make him someones bitch in jail." hahahaha aww Mirror this literally made me laugh out loud on the train ride to work! hehehe so funny I could only imagine what would happen to a pretty boy like him in prison-6'1, blonde hair ,blue eyes, perfect physique -the other prisoners would devour him... I don't think he would be able to handle it not even for a day. He told me he has his crew to back him if shit ever hit the fan and he got arrested but even if they paid his bail and got him out of jail he would still be known to police and his reputation would be ruined. He is also a licensed realtor so having that kind of reputation would not be good for his business....I just hope that he gets hit on his head so hard and that huge ego of his deflates because right now he walks around as if hes the king of the jungle.He did mention to me that his parents split when he was younger and his mom remarried so I wonder if his parents separating and remarrying had anything to do with his issues. He also mentioned he's OCD about some things which I read is a common trait among sociopaths..i realize now that all that glitters isn't gold. Even if the package looks pretty of the outside you never know what lurks within that package it may not be all that pretty. And Mirror thank you for trying to help me change my perspective to feel like I rejected him but right now I still feel his bitter rejection of me. Not contacting me, ignoring my text, looking and turning away from me when he sees me as if im the most disgusting person and hes so repulsed by the mere sight of me..to me that is more painful than any surgery and leaves the worst scars that never heal. I know I shouldn't even worry about what a loser like that thinks of me but I do and I hope one day I will see the humour in it all but right now I just cant...thank you Mirror for your continued support and caring and all you other caring ladies I know you all mean well and I greatly appreciate your input.Xo

Anonymous said...

Piscesgirl 11/28/14 @ 1:47 PM -

Name this guy and where he lives. I think all these players should be known!

pisces girl said...

@anonymous I wish I could do that so all you ladies can see that smug arrogant douchebag look and cheshire grin of his that Mirror speaks of when you google his name and also how good looking and well dressed he is. The picture is on his Realtor page but for my protection and to maintain my own anonymity not his I can't reveal his name sorry. I do reveal a lot of personal and private details of my life on this site but i do so with the assertion that basically what I say on here stays on here and doesn't leak into my outside life and that's why most of us don't use our real names including mirror. I think if other ladies choose to do that its fine though I actually get a good laugh out of calling out the player punks

Anonymous said...

pisces girl 12/1 @ 1:46
No worries....I don't even tell anyone about this site. I think of this site as a way of venting and trying to figure out how these guys can be so destructive to nice people.

pisces girl said...

Hey ladies-so I enlisted the help of an ex - a younger, good looking ex who stands about 6'1 and has a pretty decent physique to come to the gym with me today. I text him very randomly and out of the blue yesterday to ask him if he would go with me today. He's also a personal trainer and I thought I could use help on my form and help doing some weight training exercises and he agreed to go with me. So i took the whole day off work and went to the gym this afternoon. So I was with my ex- lets call him C and about an hour into the workout in walks doucheville with that smug look on his face. I wasn't sure if he was gonna make it today but he did. A narc can never miss a day at the gym and staring in the mirror for hours while he lifts weights. It was great though-I made sure I was looking good and I was with a younger good looking guy and he had the chance to see that. I seen him looking a few times then looking away. Im sure he was curious and wondering who the guy with me was. ..we didn't stay too long though because C had an appointment and somewhere to be and I didn't want it to seem to obvious that I was there just trying to seek his attention and trying to make him jealous although that was in fact my main intention. So not long after he arrived and started working out me and C changed clothes and walked out of the gym together -not hand in hand just side by side and I could definitely see him looking. LOL. It made me feel pretty good in that moment. I mean who knows if it affected him in any kind of way or evoked any kind of feelings at all. He's an ass who's indifferent and doesn't really seem to care much about anything or anyone but at least he got to assume that I was with someone else and didn't waste much time moving on and getting over him LOL. Right in his face for him to see. So ex's with no steady jobs and not a lot of ambition they can come in handy sometimes because they may not have money but they sure do have a lot of time! And C knew exactly what I was doing and he understood after I explained to him what transpired and how him doing me this favor today would make me feel a little better. I know its attention seeking behaviour and I know im still trying to prove something to doucheville and/or get some validation but hey sometimes a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do to make herself feel better. C also uplifted me today and made me feel pretty good about myself and my body and reminded me how lame this guy was and how it was his loss. I appreciated that C is a good kid but has a lot of growing up to do..this is the same guy who asked to put him on my benefits plan back when we were seeing each other lol anyways..i put a freeze on my membership for a month due to my upcoming surgery and my needing to recover so I wont be going back to the gym for a little while...I hope in the upcoming month things get better and I start to feel better about myself and more than physically I want to be in a good mind space one in which im not incessantly thinking about guys from my past hoping they will come back around..no I want to move onwards and upwards and I wish all you ladies the same thing because being a prisoner of your own mind is a miserable life and Mirror is right -nothing changes until you do.

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