"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go? And why hasn't he called?"

Why You Should Not Date Insecure Men

I’m pretty sure that when you set out to start dating, you didn’t intend to date insecure men. But the reality is that’s exactly what ends up happening, and most times, without you even realizing it.

Insecure men are actually quite adept at attracting the perfect “victim.” And much of this goes back to the theory of the Law of Attraction which states that “like attracts like.” In otherwords, similar energies are, by nature, naturally attracted and drawn to one another. Which means that your insecurities, can actually be drawing insecure men back towards you.

An insecure man needs constant reassurance and validation of himself as a man, and his ideal woman is also insecure and feels “unworthy” of love and therefore, is eagerly willing to constantly sacrifice herself and her needs, thus directing all of her energy towards being his biggest “cheerleader” in life, and completely losing herself and her own identity in the process.

The Negative Cycle of Co-Dependency

This exchange of energy leads to a co-dependent relationship in that, he’s dependent on receiving the constant reassurance and support he needs from others (her) to keep himself feeling like a man, and she’s dependent on receiving the validation she needs to feel “worthy” as a woman by constantly proving herself “useful” to him.

But there’s a problem. This is one-sided and not equal. The man is “receiving” on a constant basis, while the woman is “giving” on a constant basis. (And for any men reading here, this piece is obviously geared towards women. But understand that much of this works both ways and the roles can actually be reversed.)

It becomes a feeding frenzy of negativity. A theme of “reassurance and acceptance” starts to play out. He needs to feel reassured and validated as a man, and she needs to feel accepted and worthy as a woman.

Are You the Perfect Victim?

Insecure men generally tend to seek out women who are an empty vessel. Meaning, similar to a blank slate, much like a brand new computer on the assembly line that’s just been pieced together, with an empty hard drive that’s ready to be programmed. Insecure men do not want to be challenged or questioned and they will eventually flee from strong women who are able to assert themselves. (Hint, hint ladies – “the disappearing man.”)

Insecure men prefer a mild woman who will worship them, not question them, not challenge them, and instead bend over backwards to please them. They prefer a woman who is very pliable and one who makes herself available all the time, forcing her to place her own life aside. (One of the reasons why very young, na├»ve women are highly sought after by men. It’s not always about sex.) Having that type of a woman makes an insecure man feel good about himself and more like a man.

Insecure men are an emotional wreck internally and to hide that from the rest of the world, they actually become very adept at overcompensating by creating a very refined external image that makes others believe they’re actually very successful in life.

What an Insecure Man Looks Like

Insecure Men Tend to be Loud, Boisterous Frat Boy Types

Insecure men are the guys that are the loudest in the room, the guys that are the life of the party. They are the guys that brag a lot about the successes they’ve had (20 years ago as a high school football player). They are the guys that, when challenged by other men verbally for their offensive behavior, either run away or throw a punch instead of providing a smart intellectual rebuttal (because they have no good excuse for their behavior). These types are usually found wearing Affliction Clothing line tees and True Religion jeans with heavy white stitching, sporting a few tattoos, dig MMA, have a close buzz cut on the sides, treat dating like a sport and have dined on a plethora of steroids. (This explains why they’re always exhibiting hostility and are usually “top heavy” with giant arms and a big upper body that is teetering on skinny legs).

Insecure Men Tend to be all Talk and No Action

Insecure men are the guys who are all talk and no action. The ones who have a tendency to constantly “school” others in a “know it all” fashion in an attempt to fool them into believing they have valuable knowledge to share with the world - while they produce no actual viable results whatsoever.

Insecure Men Tend to Exaggerate Stories

Insecure men are the guys at the bar telling exaggerated stories of sexual conquests with the ladies, yet are never actually spotted with a living, breathing one by their side. Insecure guys tend to have a long, long line of “crazy” exes in their past (not just one or two who truly may have been emotionally off balance), yet fail to realize the women weren’t all crazy and instead, were simply women who called him on his crap all the time.

Insecure Men Tend to Exhibit Offensive, Obnoxious Behavior – Towards Everyone

Insecure men are the guys that are quick to point out the flaws in others. They are the guys that drop small “negs” (negative comments) all the time directed at those around them, in order to bring insecurities in others to the surface, so as to misdirect anyone from noticing their own flaws and insecurities.

Insecure Men Market Themselves Well

They are the guys that have learned to “sell” themselves quite well on the surface, when in reality, they have no job, no car, are skipping out on child support payments and financial debts and are living in their parents basement.

Insecure Men Are Narcissistic Attention Whores

Insecure men are the guys that go around approaching women in nightclubs that are complete strangers and asking to take a selfie with them, and then publishing these photos to social media sites, thereby making them look like they’re in demand with the opposite sex. Their Facebook page is a constant stream of party boy selfies with the occasional self-deprecating post geared towards garnering a ton of compliments for themselves. As a matter of fact, I saw one recently that read, “I’m going to quit being such a man whore and start looking for a good woman.” (As if good women are going to jump at the chance to be with an old man whore.) And to my surprise, that comment garnered a lot of “Awe, you’re not that bad of a guy” responses from women. (Clue: If he’s telling you he’s a man whore – then that’s exactly what he is.)

Insecure Men Can Tend to Look Like the Cat That Ate the Canary

Can you say “smug?” Yea, insecure men create the impression that they’re very self-assured.

If you’re looking at a guy and he’s constantly sporting a “Billy Idol Smile” or a silly Cheshire Grin, and you get the feeling he knows something you don’t know – guess what?

He DOES know something you don’t know. . .he knows that you’re the canary and he’s about to swallow you whole.

Insecure Men Pull Stunts to Create False Appearances

They are the guys that, when on a date with them, leave their phone out on the table and are all too proud to openly inform you (and constantly remind you) that women all over the place are chasing them down. Yet they fail to mention that all the texts and calls they’re receiving are actually responses to the lame “hey” text they sent to every single woman in their Facebook account and on their phone 15 minutes before meeting up with you - so they can receive all these responses in front of you, thereby creating the impression that they’re in demand with the opposite sex.

Insecure Men Are Lazy, Lack Ambition and Seek a Free Ride – Single Mothers Beware

Insecure men are completely okay with riding someone else’s coat tails to the top, namely a woman’s. If there’s not a financially eligible woman to latch onto, they’re usually okay with a mediocre “status quo” for themselves (such as living in their parent’s basement). And when I say financially eligible woman, I’m not talking about a woman earning $100k a year. A lot of times, a single mother receiving financial assistance, child support and food stamps can fall victim to an insecure man because she’s got a home, food on the table, a reliable income stream, and an already existing living situation that the man simply slides right into.

Insecure Men are Flaky, Inconsistent and Full of Empty Promises

He’ll keep you floating on empty promises that he never fulfills. He’ll be like a magician who disappears and reappears at will. He’ll stand you up or cancel last minute for what he considers honest to goodness dates, which are most times actually sofa dates. And he’ll make good use of the learning theory called the random interval reward system to keep you hooked:

Insecure Men Cheat and are Opportunists in Life

The needs of insecure men are so hefty that many times, almost all the time, you’ll find that they’re also cheaters (insecurity and cheating tend to go hand in hand). Because the needs of insecure individuals are so very hefty, many times it takes more than one individual to fulfill them. Even if they weren’t outright seeking to fulfill those needs from several others, rest assured that when the opportunity presents itself - they will take the offer up. This is the reason that a lot of the cheating that occurs with insecure individuals is actually “opportunistic” in nature. When someone has cheated on you and you ask them why, if you hear responses along the lines of, “I didn’t mean to hurt you, it just happened” – then you know you’ve been bitten by an insecure man who took action on an opportunity that presented itself.

Insecure Men Move FAST

In the beginning, they lay it on thick and heavy, telling you everything they think you want to hear, zipping you into the bedroom and a relationship with lightning speed. (Warning: Moving too fast is a big red flag.) They’re pulling a number on you and the speed at which it takes place is mean to disorient and distract you from their real motivation – which is to use you and control you until they decide they’re done with you. They're not good at consistency though or maintaining any of this initial "flowery" behavior, which is why it's important to make a man repeatedly prove himself to you for a consistent length of time. The flakes won't be able to keep it up and they'll soon run once they realize they'll have to work to win you over.

Insecure Men are Emotionally Unavailable and Have a Shallow Orientation

Their inner world will rarely, if ever, be anything you get a peek into. They’re usually immature jokesters who won’t “get real” with you and they’re not interested in hugs and kisses, long talks, affectionate caresses or fulfilling your emotional needs. Being with them feels more like having a child to take care of instead of an intimate lover who’s an equal to you. Their primary goal is to get their own needs met, much like a child, which usually has a shallow orientation focused on nothing but primal, sexual needs and survival – and nothing deeper than that.

Insecure Men are Adept at Using Guilt to Their Advantage

Insecure men are never responsible and never accountable. And if you attempt to make them become that, they are not above spinning that back onto you somehow and making you feel guilty for asking too much of them, and not accepting them for who they are and what they have to offer – which is nobody with nothing to offer other than a mere presence in your life.

The Words and Actions of Insecure Men Do Not Align

Insecure men are men who say one thing – yet do something else completely different. Their words never align with their actions and in essence, they’re full of crap and constantly spewing a lot of BS at you.

The Manipulation

Insecure men (and women) are incredibly manipulative. They’re very adept at getting their negative needs fulfilled by others (because they can’t provide that for themselves). One can almost view them as the vampires of society in that they tend to suck the life out of those they’re partnered with via the hefty need for constant reassurance they have. “Maintaining “ them becomes a full time job.

An insecure man is not much of a provider, he’s more of a taker (the vampire) and contributing in any way other than his mere presence in your life is really not going to be his thing. He may work a mediocre job for a while at your behest, but eventually he’ll have a personality clash with someone at work or he’ll get a hang nail or some other ailment that he’ll use as an excuse to get the hell outta’ there - and then he’ll blame you for the entire debacle.

That reminds me of a National Lampoon movie with Chevy Chase and Randy Quaid, who played Cousin Eddie. Cousin Eddie is an insecure guy, constantly attempting to impress Clark and overcompensate in ways that ultimately make him appear as a buffoon. When asked about his job, his wife (the ever willing cheerleader in his life) does damage control and tells people, “He’s holding out for a management position.” And then it’s pointed out that he’s been holding out - for 7 years.

The End Result of Dating an Insecure Man

Insecure men won’t lift you up – they will only ever control you and pull you down, down, down with them – to their level. You can tread water for a while, but eventually, you’ll exhaust yourself, you’ll never be able to get ahead, you will feel like a 200 pound ball and chain has been tied around your ankle that you just can’t shake, and you’ll realize that it’s either sink or swim. You’re either going to go down with them, or you’re going to have to get away from them.

And mind you, if you don’t leave them first, nine times out of ten, they will eventually leave you. . .and most likely - in a lurch - and much worse off than when they met you.

After all, they are the vampires of the world and once they drain you of your life’s blood, much like a vampire, they have no use for the empty carcass that’s left behind. They are relationship jumpers who consider 3 and 5 month flings honest to goodness real relationships. And if they’re married, guess what? Most times, they’re still conducting those 3 to 5 month flings on the side anyways, or taking up the various one time opportunities that float their way. And beauty isn’t what it’s about when that happens, it’s about their insecurity.

Ever notice how many times the “other woman” in a situation like that is always a hot mess of sorts, and you wonder why the heck the man risked a relationship with a great, beautiful woman for – a bar fly that’s akin to a doorknob who’s permitted everyone in the building to take a turn? It’s rarely the Pamela Anderson’s or Scarlett Johansson’s of the world that play that role. . .it’s always some unassuming, non-descript woman that was like a scrap left on the floor for bottom feeders that leaves you shaking your head asking, “Why, why?”

The reason why is because the woman was pliable and therefore - made a good victim - and fulfilled a shallow need at the time. Remember, insecure individuals are very “needy” (man or woman).

Loyalty is not their thing and they will start to be dismissive of you entirely (not that they were ever really that attentive to you and your needs in the first place), eventually disposing of you when another more promising opportunity (victim) comes along. And if you have a child or children with them, it won’t matter. They’ll easily walk away from you and their own blood without pause, and in keeping with their status quo, will bail on child support, visitation, responsibility, accountability, and/or any financial debt residue left behind.

They will skip into the next relationship as if the one with you never even happened – and you will fast become one of the “crazy” exes he’s telling stories about and receiving sympathy from others over (like he once did with you). And don’t be surprised if, when telling others these stories, he begins to exaggerate it and starts to “project” onto you the very sin that he, himself, committed – cheating.

If you meet a guy who claims that every single ex (not just one or two) he’s ever had has cheated on him, you need to question why that is. He’s either an incredibly lousy, neglectful, apathetic mate – or he’s lying.

Are You Dating an Insecure Man?

In the beginning insecure men come on fast and strong, spreading compliments thick, for about the first 3 or 4 dates and professing to love you by the fifth. They talk strongly and often about a future with you very early on, too early, and tend to fast track you into the bedroom by doing so (because they know women, by nature, bond with men through physical contact).

Insecure men pick their victims well, identify their needs immediately, and then start to fulfill those needs fast – only to yank that all away from you and completely turn the tables once they’ve hooked you.

All those compliments, promises, talk of future, exchanges of love and hot sex. . .yea, that was the bait on the end of the hook. And once you bite, they know they have a winner and they pull back hard on the line, quickly and without warning, reeling you out of the lovely pond you were just swimming in - and onto very dry land where they will watch you eventually suffocate and die without remorse.

If you’re dating a man that’s leaving you feeling completely exhausted, totally emotionally drained, financially wiped out, incredibly neglected, abused and taken advantage of, entirely confused, suspicious and constantly questioning and second guessing yourself – you, my dear, are most likely dating an insecure man.

Get rid of him – NOW.

Protect Yourself

If you want to protect yourself from falling prey to another one in the future (hey, we’ve all been there) - work on yourself. Change always starts with YOU.

Behavior that is self-destructive need no longer take place. Hookups and one night stands, settling for less than you deserve, not demanding traditional first dates where you’re treated like a lady, drinking too much, giving men who treat you poorly a second chance or the benefit of doubt, not carrying yourself with dignity, behaving desperately – no more. It’s a fallacy planted into women’s heads by society that if you smile, sacrifice yourself constantly and “do, do, do” for others like a household appliance. . .you will receive love in return. So forget about that because the only thing that will get you these days is victimized and taken for granted.

Ladies, there are good men still out there, trust me on this. Yes, the “gentlemen” is nearing extinction and entering the realms of the dinosaur, however, they do still exist. And if you work on yourself and participate in things that actually build your confidence, rather than take part in self-destructive behavior that actually chips away at it– you will find that you are no longer attracted to insecure men, you will develop a radar that can see them coming a mile away, and good men will admire your strength, independence and strong will. . .and will begin to enter your life.

If you’re not ready and haven’t done the work, you won’t recognize them, you’ll pass them over, you’ll experience fear and you’ll confuse the “high” of sexual attraction with real emotion and love. If you have done the work, and you know your value and begin to understand what it is that you truly need from a man to be happy – then you can’t miss them.

If you’ve done the work, insecure men will no longer be drawn to you. Instead, they’ll sense immediately that you wouldn’t make an ideal victim - and they’ll quickly flee from you without explanation.

Seriously ladies, be thankful for all the disappearing men in your life - they actually saved you a lot of grief.

Beware the Christmas Holiday Hookup

It’s that time of year – the holidays. A time when loneliness and the extreme awareness of isolation can creep into our lives. It also happens to be a time of year that those we’ve watched walk away from us, have a tendency to reappear – at alarmingly high rates - for a Christmas holiday hookup.

Beware the lonely holiday hearts club, ladies. (And men, this goes for you, too.) Nostalgia, sentiment and warm feelings will enter the minds and hearts of many over the next few weeks, and many may try to take advantage of this, deliberately or unintentionally. Many may rethink their current situations. Many may long for a life change. Many may need a shoulder to cry on. Many may realize that they’re just plain lonely.

And many – may start ringing your phone or sending the proverbial “Hey” text your way.

Beware the Christmas holiday hookup; a common side effect of the lonely holiday hearts club.

The Ghosts of Christmas Past

When the Ghosts of Christmas Past start resurfacing in your life, you might be inclined to look at it optimistically with hope and a sense of glee. But you need to understand that this person isn’t in your life for a reason. The reason they’re not in your life is because it didn’t work. And you need to realize that a Christmas tree, holiday lights, nostalgic sentiments and spiked egg nog - aren’t likely to change that.

As hard as it may be, don’t back pedal into the past at this time of year. Don’t grab hold of the Ghost of Christmas Pasts hand and take that evening ride that Ebenezer Scrooge took, thinking it’ll lead you to your happiness and your heart like it did for him.

That story is a fable; a fictitious tale. And while a journey of the soul like that can indeed be life altering, the reality is that taking that journey with someone you’re not compatible with at a time of the year when rosy emotions gloss real life isn’t wise. The person who left you previously did so because they didn’t see themselves as part of your story. So don’t fool yourself into thinking they’ll be on the pages that will write your future.

A holiday hookup can be detrimental to your future because it injects itself into your new beginning – a brand new year that begins with a clean slate. If you permit a holiday hookup to happen, it muddies your slate and mars something new and fresh by dirtying it up. A holiday hookup can send you off track, distracting you from your real goals and the things you’re really meant to experience, explore and achieve.

Don’t become derailed by a holiday hookup. Instead, stay on track and make plans for the future that are your own and that aren’t influenced by someone else’s presence in your life. Take stock of all the great achievements you’ve made in the passing year, all the personal growth you’ve experienced and be thankful and show gratitude for your failures.

Express Gratitude and Thank Your "Teachers"

Yep – you heard me right – I said failures; show gratitude for your failures and all of the “teachers” that were a part of them. Because it’s these failures that propel your growth. And if it weren’t for the “teachers” that came along to deliver those lessons, you wouldn’t have evolved into the individual you are today.

People are always going to let you down, folks. They’re always going to disappoint you. And this is always going to happen in all types of relationships – romantic, friendship, working relationships and familial ones – that’s life. It’s part of the human condition. And when this happens, you need to cope, not blame. And you need to keep in mind that it’s these moments in life. . . that help you carve out your new life.

It’s these moments in life that help you drill down to what really matters to you. It’s these moments that compel you to make huge life altering changes. It’s these moments that send you off into entirely different directions from where you first began. It’s these moments that make you review where you’ve been, what went wrong, and help you to determine what it is that you need that will truly make you happy. It’s these moments that make you “clean house” by ridding yourself of the people, environments and situations that no longer enhance your life in a positive manner or serve a higher purpose for you anymore.

It’s in these moments, folks that life - real life - happens.

So be thankful for these moments. Show gratitude for these failures and for the teachers who came along and taught you these valuable life lessons that sent you off in search of brand new horizons. If it weren’t for these people, you wouldn’t be experiencing the human condition. If it weren’t for these moments, you wouldn’t be living real life.

Write Your Own Future

Take stock of where you’re at and of where you intend to be a year from now. Thank all those that have entered your life and shown you what you don’t need and what you don’t want more of – for helping you carve out the vision of your new life.

Wish them well and then send them on their way, to head down their own path on their own new journey, leaving them to write the pages of their future on their own – while you construct yours using the new knowledge, tools and insights you’ve gained.

Do not permit the negativity of the past to enter the pages of your future. Rid yourself of those who do not value you and appreciate you. Rid yourself of all those who do not add consistent positive energy to your immediate environment and bring positive value to your life.

Instead, surround yourself with like-minded individuals that see your value, appreciate what you have to offer, embrace your uniqueness and provide support to you on your journey. The energy of life is an equal balance of give and take.

When the Ghost of Christmas Past comes knocking at your door or rattles your bedpost in the dead of night, acknowledge him, express your gratitude for him having entered your life, and then roll over and keep dreaming about the brand new world about to unfold before your very eyes.

“If you can dream it, you can do it.” ~ Walt Disney

Sweet dreams, folks.

Dating a Disappearing Man, Reached Your Limit?

Dating a disappearing man that reappears periodically without notice, and after rudely disappearing on you without explanation, is certainly an experience that many modern day females can relate to.

This can be seen in the discussion of the topic on this piece titled “Disappearing/Reappearing Man: What to Do” which is no longer able to accept any further comments on the site as it’s reached the 5,000 limit.

Yep, I’d say a lot of you have been dating a disappearing man and have reached your limit. I’d go even further and say it’s a modern day dating epidemic. So what’s a girl to do?

Well, I won’t repeat the suggestions I’ve shared on that piece because you’re free to go there and study up on it. However, I will say that after a couple of years’ worth of discussion on dating a disappearing man, and after many thousands of personal stories shared there, it has become apparent to me that the best way to deal with a disappearing man who reappears periodically to dredge things up (before disappearing again) is to focus on yourself – and try your best to forget about him.

Probably not what you were expecting to hear, I understand that. There are very detailed suggestions listed in that article referenced above if you'd like to give it a try. But after a couple of years of observation and lots of discussion with women dating a disappearing man, it has become clear to me that when these types disappear on you, even if they circle back, it generally leads nowhere. And that’s not because there’s something wrong with you – it’s because there’s most likely something wrong with them.

Men who display this pattern of behavior generally do not correct it. I’m sure you’ve heard the old saying, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” And the reality here is that we’re dealing with old dogs, ladies. Plain and simple – and they’re not learning any new tricks. They’re simply repeating the old ones over and over and over again for as long as they’re permitted to get away with it, which brings me to my next point.

People Can Only Treat You as Poorly as You LET Them

When we permit these patterns of behavior to play out in our lives over and over and over again, it should come as no surprise that the same outcome is simply repeated again as well. Yet it perplexes us. If he didn’t like me, why did he bother to come back? If he wanted nothing to do with me back then, why is he ringing my phone again now? It must mean he likes me. It must mean he’s at least slightly interested, right?

Yes, no, and maybe – for all the wrong reasons.

Is he interested in sex? Yes. Is he ready for a committed relationship? No. Has he hit a dry spell? Maybe. Either way you slice it, after a couple of years listening to stories from women out in the trenches dating a disappearing man, I can honestly tell you – I can’t think of one time, not one time, that it’s ever ended with “and they lived happily ever after.” I’ve read a ton of stories about women outgrowing their disappearing man (DM), or boring of him, or tiring of him, or meeting someone else in the 3 months it took him to make his 3rd reappearance. But no, in the 5,000 comments and stories shared, I’ve never heard a story that concluded with a “happily ever after” ending.

What I do hear is a lot of women beating themselves up, blaming themselves, wondering what’s wrong with them, questioning why he hasn’t called and asking when he will. And after a couple of years of researching this topic, I can stand here today and tell you – it’s definitely not you – it’s a modern day epidemic.

Behavior that was once considered abnormal is now slowly becoming the accepted norm. Hiding behind devices in texts and emails is making it even easier to transition society as a whole into the acceptance of this – accepting sociopathic behavior that displays no sense of remorse, guilt or empathy for the individual on the other end of the line. It’s easy to just disappear these days, because half the communication that existed in the first place existed in the virtual world, on a device screen, and not in real life. Gone are the days when you’d have to hold these discussions face to face. Nowadays, don’t like someone; don’t want to see them anymore? Hey, no problem, you’ll never have to speak to them again – just don’t answer any calls, emails or texts from them and voila’ – problem solved.

Throw in online dating and the endless buffet of easy opportunities there and what you end up with is a bunch of kids in a candy store, running around experiencing a fantastic sugar high that they never want to come down from. It builds the ego, it gives them something to brag to their buddies about, and they rarely, if ever, have to face any consequences for it. Hence, the birth of the disappearing man.

Ahh, utopia does exist after all, no?

The Mind Trip a Disappearing Man is Running on You

Many of these bad boy “players” are using a psychological tactic that they’re not even aware of (although some are VERY aware and well educated on the matter). They think they’ve got some magic sauce about them that women just can’t get enough of. But really, all they’ve done is stumbled onto a very real fact about the human psyche:

I just watched two men, both mid 30’s, on a reality television show the other night talking about women and dating - the issue at hand? One man had two great women on his hands. Sigh . . . problems, problems. Yet, he was patting himself on the back proudly about the fact that it was only two – which apparently is down from his usual norm of 8. Yea, you heard me, I said 8. And the other guy he was talking to didn’t blink an eye at that number.

So I think it’s safe to say – rotating 8 women at one time, misleading them all to think you’re “relationship ready”, talking about having babies and a future with them, and using them for sex until it’s time to move onto the next gal in your rotation – is apparently “the norm” in the lifestyle of many young modern males these days.

Should you hold your ground and level the playing field when dating a disappearing man that you sense has you locked into a rotation that he hasn’t exactly been honest about? Absolutely.

Should you hold your breath waiting for him to circle back around again? Don’t bother; it’ll be your turn again before you know it.

Should you pick up that phone or respond to that text when he does circle back around? Probably not – unless you want the first outcome to repeat itself a second time.

So What SHOULD You Do?

Forget having a “talk” with him and instead, do something constructive that will actually benefit YOU - and have that hard talk with yourself.

Ask yourself what it is that causes you to keep taking this man back. What is it that causes you to want to continue dating a disappearing man, despite already knowing that he’s not capable of making you happy or fulfilling your needs. Dig deep, because the answers don’t lie with him – they actually lie WITHIN you.

I repeat - people can only treat you as poorly as you LET them. If you do not permit people to act upon you, then you don’t get hurt, you don’t get used and you don’t let other people make you feel like crap over their shortcomings in life. You check their baggage at their door and you walk away into your future.

I’m not an overly religious individual, although I do consider myself spiritual – but when someone says something that is so very powerful it sends vibrations to your very core . . . then the message must be shared. Having said that, I’ll let Bishop T.D. Jakes take over from here:

“When people can walk away from you, let them walk. I don’t care how wonderful they are, I don’t care how attracted you are to them, I don’t care what they did for you 20 years ago, I don’t care what the situation is. When people can walk away from you, let them walk – because your destiny is not tied to the person who left.”

Can I get an AMEN, ladies!

Why You Should Never Text Nude Images

I know that many folks think very little of providing the milk for free while the cow remains up for sale these days.

But let's face it, when you don't respect yourself and you're out there giving yourself away for free, how then can you expect others to respect you, and commit to you in spite of that disrespect you treat yourself with?

People want what they can't have folks. You know that new tech gadget that's released during the holidays, but only a limited quantity is available - and everyone just HAS to have it, searches high and low for it, gets on waiting lists to possibly receive one...and then spends months after the holidays seeking one out? Do you know why that is, why people do that?

Because it's in our psyche to want what we can't have. It's psychological human behavior to highly value things we have to work hard for. When people are standing on the street corner, giving away thousands of the same item for free in droves and the surrounding streets are littered with them, do you value that item? Or do you turn around and immediately throw it in the trash, drop it on the ground or give it away to someone else?

The same psychological principle applies to your body folks. When you give it away for free, you immediately decrease it's value to others. When something is readily available in large quantities, it's not highly valued. It's no prize to receive. Instead, it's taken for granted and quickly disposed of.

In economics, such as that "latest, greatest tech gadget," it's called the Law of Scarcity.

Manufacturers are using this tactic on you everyday, without you even knowing it. They know that this law is a fundamental law of human existence - and it works. They know that the more people desire something, the harder it is to acquire...the greater the lengths people will go to, to actually acquire it. And not only that, they also know that it's a fact that once this very rare, elusive, highly valued item is finally acquired, it will be cherished by the owner because of the lengths they had to go to, to actually receive it.

And if knowing all of that about human behavior and psychology doesn't convince you not to give yourself away for free - then maybe this will.

An Eye-Opening Study

A study conducted by Avast, a security software tech company, uncovered the real truth about what's on your phones - even after you wipe them. And the findings were more eye-opening than any of the embarrassing images they found.

Avast purchased 20 used Android phones from eBay that were reset and wiped by previous owners. After running readily available recovery software that just about anybody has access to, the following was recovered:
  • 750+ images of nude women.
  • 250+ images of nude men and male "manhood." (Notice women are sending 3x the amount of nude images versus men.)
  • 1,500 images of children.
  • 750 emails and texts.
  • 40,000 photos.
  • The complete identities of up to 4 previous owners of the devices.
  • 1,000 google searches.
  • A complete loan application.

Need I say more?

The ramifications of this could quite possibly be endless. A potential employer searching the Net for you could find these images (remember, your name could be recovered as well), they could make their way to Facebook and social media, they could make their way to free porn sites, family and friends may find them online, they could end up published in a print publication, some random dude online could see them, like what he sees, get your name and stalk you down - hell, you could even be blackmailed when you find yourself running for Congress one day.

And if you just cannot help yourself, for whatever reason, and you insist on exhibiting self-destructive behavior, at the very least - at the very least - don't include your face in these images folks. And cover up those identifiable birth marks while you're at it. . .

This girl, unfortunately, did NOT do that - and she accidentally sent it to dear old dad - (Instagram video clip) oops:

Her dad is right - it's called Twitter - not Titter, folks.

What Would Happen If You'd Just Look Up?

“Be kind always, for everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”

Ahh, relationships - romantic ones, neighborly ones, work related ones, acquaintance connections, peer connections, familial connections…they’re definitely varied, incredibly complex, and subtly dynamic.

They’re like an onion, and once you start peeling back the layers, you’re practically guaranteed of acrid fumes looming in the air.


Because we’re all human - and thus flawed. If we were perfect folks, we’d all be Gods.

Which brings me back to the quote referenced above.

Everyone is fighting their own battle. Every one of us are flawed. Everyone faces their own individual challenges and obstacles as they go through life.

These days, it’s very easy to project a false image of yourself and successfully sell it as authentic. These days, it’s very easy to be unkind to others without consequence. These days, it’s easy to feel connected, while remaining truly disconnected. These days, you can have 800 “friends,” while ignoring the fact that you’ve never met them. These days, you can cast your judgement freely and you'll never have to see the damage inflicted. These days, you can be in a room full of people - and still feel lonely.

These are the days, huh?

For as much as technology has benefitted our lives, make no mistake – there IS a consequence that results. It’s subtle and akin to the Butterfly Effect. That tiny little ripple that begins far out in the ocean; that miraculously transforms into a Tsunami by the time it hits the shore.

As humans, we all seek acceptance – from our peer groups, from our neighbors, from our loved ones and from society at large. We all want to feel like we’re a valuable part of something, something bigger than ourselves. We seek that acceptance daily and when it’s not provided, we’re like wilted flowers without water, lacking the proper atmosphere to thrive in.

So we reach out. We reach out to those around us, we reach out to our peers, we reach out to our communities and our society at large in very subtle ways, seeking encouragement and reinforcement and the acceptance and approval of others. We’re social creatures and that’s never going to change. And most of the time, we look to technology to provide that connection; that acceptance that we seek.

But can that technology really replace and properly convey the subtleties of life; the subtleties of relationships and human behavior? And does it provide the proper environment for those relationships to not only survive, but truly thrive and flourish?

It’s clear just how much we starve for acceptance and approval as human beings based on the explosive popularity of social media…and it’s nearly utter and complete replacement for genuine understanding and human interaction. It’s clear how many people are lonely. It’s clear how many people seek connection. It’s clear how many people are fighting, and acting out, their own battle in life and using technology as a tool (and an excuse) to do it.

And it’s clear that many people aren’t being kind to themselves when doing it. They think they are, but the “disconnect” that results from our reliance on technology as our main form of communication doesn’t provide the full lens we need to truly see the big picture of how damaging to ourselves - and our relationships – technology truly is.

“Be kind to yourself always, for you’re fighting a battle you know nothing about.”

That’s my take on the quote I referenced at the beginning of this piece. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself always, regardless of the judgment that others project onto you. Always be true to yourself and your beliefs. Do not let others dictate what your life should be; march to the beat of your own drum and the tune that makes you happy. After all, it is your life - and they haven’t had to live it.

Don’t be afraid to break out from the pack; bring your own unique character and assets to the table. Sure, some folks might not appreciate all those things about you, but that doesn’t matter - because the RIGHT person will. You don’t need the approval of the entire world. Besides, you wouldn’t have enough of yourself to nourish all those relationships anyway.

Put the technology down and start being human again. Start being kind again. If you’d just look up, great things might happen. There are powerful messages swirling all around you. . .make sure you're paying attention to them:

Why You Should Not Accept Sofa Dates

There's a new trend in dating ladies, and I like to call it the sofa date. You heard me right, the sofa date - and you've most likely been on one.

This seems to be the new trend and apparently, men are finding it quite useful. It works like this. Take a woman on a nice traditional first date, and then invite her over to your place for a second date, to hang out on your exciting sofa. And I don't really have to explain what comes next.

Times are tough, and money doesn't grow on trees, I get that. However, what ever happened to the days when men actually concerned themselves with impressing a woman and treating her special, like a lady? Coming up with $10 for ice cream or an appetizer somewhere isn't that difficult. It doesn't have to be diamonds and furs or a $100 meal, it simply needs to be a respectable date. A walk in the park is free - but access to someone's body should not be.

Women risk an awful lot when entering into a sexual affair with a man. They risk:

  • Their health (exposure to STD's that can harm a woman for life, that men carry and never show symptoms of and don't even know they have).
  • They risk their mental and emotional well-being.
  • They risk their future - literally - via the risk of pregnancy.

If a man is signaling to you that you should risk those things free of charge for him (not monetarily but through effort and earning), then get the hell away from him because he's signaling that he feels entitled...to receive something for nothing, free of charge with no investment (emotionally or otherwise).

He's signaling that you should be willing to take a bunch of serious risks for him, while he does absolutely nothing to prove himself worthy of you taking that risk.

Do you think grandpa landed grandma by impressing her with his sofa? Doubtful. Do you think your father impressed your mother by showing her his sofa? Doubtful.

The things that impress a woman, while many men erroneously believe are associated with money, in reality are more conceptual things like:

  • Leadership (taking charge).
  • Proving themselves (proving they're willing to be a good provider should any potential offspring result from the union).
  • Evoking positive emotional feelings (special treatment).

Do you think a sofa date accomplishes any of those things? The answer is no, it does not.

Instead, a sofa date signals the opposite to a woman, particularly a woman that's got her head on straight (isn't insecure, desperate or willing to settle). A sofa date signals:

  • Lack of leadership (laziness).
  • An unwillingness to prove himself a gentleman (lack of care).
  • Negative emotional feelings (anxiety, stress and worry over impending sexual advances that are surely on the way).

You're not fooling anyone guys when you ask for a sofa date. The sofa date is the lazy man's way to fast track sex for yourself and everyone knows it, so let's just call a spade a spade here and save ourselves from beating around the bush (pun intended).

If you're invited out for a sofa date early on in the relationship ladies, you should not accept it. And here's why.

Why You Shouldn't Accept Sofa Dates

Before I begin, let me clarify something. If you've been dating for months AND you BOTH agree that you're in a committed relationship, then the sofa date becomes acceptable. However, if you've dated a man once or twice, or for a few weeks or months, and there's NO committed relationship in place - stay off that sofa gals.

As I've already stated above, invitations for sofa dates early on prior to entering into a committed relationship signal things you should be taking note of and I've spelled those things out to you above: 1) lack of leadership (laziness) 2) an unwillingness for the man to prove himself (lack of care) and 3) negative emotional feelings (anxiety and stress over impending sexual advances you know are on the way).

You may be thinking, "Yea, but so what?" and if you're in that frame of mind and view this type of date as harmless, you're not paying attention, you're not looking out for yourself properly, and you're about to walk into a world of hurt. You're about to be used, you're about to let your value in the man's eyes plummet and you're about to willingly walk straight into "hookup" territory - from that day forward.

If you're seeking a serious relationship ladies, the sofa date should be a giant red flag to you. It should signal to you a man that's not relationship material. A man that isn't ready (to actually prove himself a man) a man that isn't going to lift a finger for you (lazy) and a man that's simply seeking gratification for his sexual needs (selfishness).

Is That Your Idea of Prince Charming?

I doubt it. And what kind of relationship do you think you're going to actually have with a man that's signaling these negative things that early on?

You're going to have a casual relationship that exists of hooking up from time to time occasionally (at his convenience), doing nothing but sexing around on his sofa. You're not going to receive regular phone calls, you're going to receive hookup texts. You're not going to be treated special (great date nights), you're going to be used. You're not going to be dating a real man, you're going to be dating an immature man-boy that's going to frustrate you beyond belief. And you're not going to find this relationship enjoyable in the long run. You're going to end up feeling bad about yourself. You're going to end up feeling very used - and you're going to become incredibly insecure.


Because you're going to eventually end up realizing that this man isn't treating you special or making you happy and fulfilling your needs. You're going to eventually realize that it's all about him and his needs, and it's all at his convenience. And once you enter into that mindset, your going to begin to experience increased anxiety and worry about what's going on and where the relationship is headed - and that will begin to manifest itself in your behavior.

You're Going to Start Acting Out

You're going to start acting out on that anxiety and worry by beginning to question where things are going. You're going to start scheming to try to get the guy to man up. You're going to start asking for regular phone calls, which he won't be willing to provide you, and you're going to begin thinking you're a couple and your his girlfriend, while he's referring to you as a friend and saying things to you like, "Let's just see where this goes" without ever committing to you.

You're going to be left in limbo gals. You're going to be left hanging in a very negative emotional state. And then that man is going to turn the tables on you once you start acting out on those anxieties that HE has created within you (by treating you poorly and using you), he's going to label you with the "crazy" card and then your goose is cooked. Because next he'll immediately begin to pull back, distance himself and eventually - disappear on you.

If you want a relationship ladies, then don't date men that want hookups. If you have one goal and he has an entirely different one, accept that you'll probably never meet in the middle and save yourself the grief.

Do Not Fool Yourself Into Thinking a Hookup Can Manifest Into a Relationship: Take The Right Path

Because that very rarely happens. They are two entirely different things and each requires an entirely different path of procedures to reach the destination. I like to use air travel as an example. Imagine it like this gals. Say you want to travel to India. Would you take a flight to Alaska to get there? Do you think that a flight to Alaska (hookup) will land you in India (relationship)? No, it won't. If you take the flight to Alaska (hookup) then that's where you land - in hookup territory. If you want to go to India (relationship), then you take the flight to India because it's going to land there.

Can you take the flight to Alaska (hookup) and still get to India (relationship)? Maybe - but it will cost you dearly. It will require a ton of expense and a convoluted path of ups and downs, on again, off again, flights. Will you be happy after exhausting yourself to such an extent in an attempt to get to India (relationship) after erroneously boarding the flight to Alaska (hookup). Probably not. You'll land in India (relationship) feeling depleted. It won't be the big revealing moment when you step off the plane and take the experience in with a sense of awe and wonder. Instead, you'll land there and seek the nearest refuge for rest - and then you'll wonder why the hell you just put yourself through this. You'll wonder why you're not as happy as you thought you'd be. Your big moment of arrival that you've been anticipating for months - will fall flat. And you'll ask yourself, "Is this it? Is this what I've been exhausting myself for for months?"


Because once you land in India (relationship), you're quickly going to realize that it wasn't all that you'd glorified it to be in your head before arriving there. The food may make you ill (negative fulfillment), the people may not be friendly (non-caring) and there's really nothing special for you there (not impressive). (For those of you reading this that love India, please realize this is only an example and I'm in no way suggesting that a visit to India is a bad thing). And you may be so damn exhausted from the trip and trying to reach India (relationship), that once you're there, you just want to go home (leave).

Sofa Date Conclusion

In the end ladies, it is what it is. A sofa date is a hookup situation and it signals that that particular man is seeking to take the easy way out to satisfy his own selfish physical needs. It signals that he's a man that isn't willing to lift a finger for you, isn't worried about impressing you and really doesn't want a relationship in the first place.

And if a man starts off like that, do you honestly think that he'll somehow miraculously change mid-way through?

No, he won't. If he's getting the milk for free, he's never going to feel compelled to buy the cow. And he will forever, from that day forward, expect his milk for free - and the mere insinuation by you that he should now somehow start investing in the milk he's receiving for free, is going to be met with pure resistance.

Men who prefer sofa dates are never going to lift a finger for you. They're never going to treat you special and they'll always attempt to use you, free of charge, to satisfy their own needs. They will view you as an object that exists for free use. And if you attempt to make them view you as a person with real emotions, they will only turn that against you.

Sofa date men will label you "needy" once you start demanding more and once you start acting out on those demands (calling, texting, questioning). They'll then slap another label on you, the "crazy" label - and then they'll bolt. Leaving you behind, feeling very depleted and used.

And that ladies - is why you do NOT accept sofa dates prior to commitment.

Don’t Wait To Be Picked, Enact Your Power

I read lots of stories submitted by women in the comments on the articles on this site, many of which contain an underlying tone of “I feel powerless, what should I do?” In addition to that, there’s an underlying feeling of helplessness that accompanies them.

I read it every single day, scores of women desperately wanting to “do, do, do” something to control the direction a relationship is moving. To speed one up to their satisfaction, to make a man date them in the way they prefer, to nudge the man along…you get the idea.

But here’s the thing ladies. You DO have power - but in many cases, you’re simply choosing not to enact it.

Let’s explore, shall we?

Two Words Apply Here: Passive Versus Proactive

Below is the definition of those two words referenced above.

Passive: “Accepting or allowing what happens, without active response or resistance.”

Proactive: “Creating or controlling a situation by causing something to happen, rather than responding to it after it has happened.”

Get where I’m going here?

I experience this everyday in the comments on this site; women behaving in a passive manner about their future and the man that may or may not be in it.

I see women literally waiting for a man to “pick” them, to reach a decision about them, literally putting their dating lives on hold after a couple of dates or a sexual experience or two. Now granted, it has taken me many, many years to understand the very valuable difference between passive and proactive.

But let me tell you ladies, once you do grasp the concept – empowering is the word.

Free Will and the Power of “Choice”

We all have free will and as such, we are all gifted with the ability to make our own decisions and choices in life.

However, with that gift comes a great amount of responsibility and accountability – for the decisions YOU make. (Heavy is the head that wears the crown…) It goes without saying that we all need to be mature enough to realize that there will be some personal responsibility and accountability that goes along with the power to make those hefty decisions.

When you choose to date passively, you have to accept that you’re choosing to be acted upon by others, thus willfully placing yourself into a rather powerless, hopeless position and one in which you may end up victimized.

However, when you choose to date proactively, you are now choosing to rule your kingdom, in total control of your future and the man who may or may not be in it, thus placing yourself in a very powerful position, one of great hope, and one in which you will not end up victimized.

It’s a mindset, ladies, and it’s a choice. In life we have to be responsible and accountable for our own actions and decisions and when you decide to passively participate in life, often you end up victimized. In the end, there’s no one to blame because you made that co-dependent decision (your decision “depended” upon someone else’s decision, instead of your own), you made the choice for it to be that way.

If, however, you responsibly make a different choice and you chose to proactively participate in life, often you end up feeling in control, feeling as if the world is your oyster. In the end, YOU are the one that is responsible for all the blessings that the universe bestows upon you for your wisdom and strength in making that independent decision for yourself.

Start to look at the world as your oyster ladies, and the men in your life as your kingdom. Instead of passively sitting and waiting, waiting, waiting for men to “pick” you, for THEM to make a decision about YOU – choose to take full advantage of all that life has to offer and of all that being a single, independent modern woman has to offer and instead, YOU make a decision about the MAN. You “pick” your man.

You have the power to do that. You have say-so in the matter. You are free to make your own decisions for yourself and you are empowered by your independence to do so.

Here’s What You DON’T Have The Power To Do:

  • Make a man love you.
  • Make a man want to enter into a relationship with you.
  • Make a man date you and court you in the manner you prefer.
  • Make a guy get his act together (i.e. remove other women from it).
  • Control the speed at which the relationship progresses (or whether or not it progresses at all).

Here’s What You DO Have the Power To Do:

  • Walk away from situations and people that do not make you happy, that make you feel used, and that do not care to fulfill your needs.
  • Be proactive about finding what it is that you want, what will make you happy, a man that wants the same things as you do and one that’s willing to fulfill your needs.
  • Make the choice to be responsible and accountable for your own happiness.

Don’t choose to be a helpless victim. Instead, grab hold of the power that is yours. At no other time in history ladies, have women been so powerful and been granted the independence and control over their own lives that they have now – right now, at this very moment in time.

Be a part of that movement, be a part of that revolution and the power that is female force – a piece of that belongs to you, and it’s sitting in your lap, right now as we speak.

Grab your crown and place it high on your head, embrace the responsibility it carries and become accountable for your own happiness – and rule YOUR kingdom with an iron fist. Send them to the dungeons never to see the light of day again, or honor them a Knight at your round table with the possibility of someday becoming your Prince Charming.

The choice is yours – the power is yours. Now what will you do with it – will you start a (dating) revolution?

How Do You Value Yourself?

When dating, it's important to maintain a healthy self-esteem. It's crucial that you value yourself if you want others to see you as valuable.

Having said that, many find (particularly women), that this is easier said than done. But there are ways to recognize your value and then project that worth to others maintaining pure confidence without the appearance of ego and arrogance.

You see, as women, many of us are taught (even if not by words) that the more you do, the more you give, the more you love - the more you will be loved. And that's simply untrue. The reality is that behaving like that with people (other than your children and a grateful husband - keyword, grateful) will most likely lead to you being taken for granted and will lead to others viewing you with a lower perceived value.

When dating, women tend to feel the need to "do" things that they erroneously believe will lead others to love them for it. Is he an alcoholic? "I can save him, he just needs someone to love him." Is he a narcissist? "Oh he loves me, he just can't show it." Is he a user? "He said he wanted to be with me but after we had sex, he disappeared." There's a common theme in each of these situations if you look closely. And that theme is that in each scenario, the woman is "doing" something to keep this going. With the alcoholic, she's babysitting to an extent. With the narcissist, she's making excuses. And with the user, she's providing sexual favors. In each of these scenarios, the woman is giving more of herself than she should be and is expecting to be loved in return.

How often do you think that really ends up being the case?

Not very often at all. And there's another theme running through each of those examples above. And that theme is one of value. In each scenario, the woman is undervaluing herself. She's in denial more or less and via her actions, signals that this is the best she feels she deserves. In each of these scenarios, the woman doesn't know her value as a human being and this causes her to settle for less.

Do you know your value? Let's find out.

How Do You Value Yourself?

How Much Do You Understand the Concept of Perception? (Observing)

How people perceive you depends highly on how you perceive yourself. If you talk yourself down, point out your flaws and share all your fears on the first few dates, basically giving the man 20 reasons he should NOT be interested in you, then guess what happens? He finds himself less interested in you. Not because of what HE thinks of you, but because of what YOU think about YOURSELF. You valued yourself low and as human nature would have it, thus influenced his overall decision about you.

People like to be around positive energy, and confidence is positive and very powerful. So you need to understand the direct connection between how you perceive yourself and how others will ultimately perceive you as a result.

How Much Do You Understand the Value of Selfishness When Done Without Malice? (Protecting)

I know, I know. You're thinking, "What the heck? How can being selfish ever be a good thing?" Well ladies, it can, it can be a very good thing - when done without malice and for the greater good - that "good" being YOU. I'm not telling you to be selfish to the point of harming others. I'm telling you to be selfish when it comes to protecting yourself from others.

Stop "doing, doing, doing" all the time. Cut yourself some slack. People will still love you, even if you don't act like an appliance for them. Women are at it 24/7 generally with busy careers, running a household, caring for others, children, etc. This causes women to have to "wear the pants" in many situations. But when dating, drop those drawers ladies (not literally, of course) - put on that dress, and let someone care for you for once. Let someone treat you special, let someone make you feel good about yourself.

If this individual doesn't do that for you, then you move on. Simple as that, you move on; you become selfish. And you acknowledge what you need from a man to make you happy - and you don't ever settle for less than that. Keep looking until you find it. Because it's what you deserve.

How Much Do You Trust Yourself? (Trusting)

When your gut's rumbling, do you listen to it? Or do you dismiss it and plow full steam into "danger" of sorts, attempting to convince yourself that you can somehow manage to navigate a tricky situation? Because, if you don't trust yourself, then how can you expect others to trust you? Trust is huge in relationships and it doesn't just exist between two individuals, it exists within yourself as well.

If you second guess yourself constantly, those around you will certainly pick up on your distrust of yourself. As a result, your credibility with them begins to wane. Trust yourself and build your credibility.

How Much Do You Think for Yourself and Trust Your Own Judgment? (Thinking)

Women are analytical thinkers, there's no doubt about that. But when analyzing situations, are you leaning on others to guide you or are you trusting your own judgment? (One of those situations where trust plays a role again.) If you tend to lean on others to think for you and to judge situations for you more than you think for yourself and use your own judgment skills - then you don't trust your own judgment.

Stop worrying about what others think and about what they're thinking. Focus on what you think.  In the end, your opinion is the only one that matters and if you trust your gut, it'll never steer you wrong.

How Much Does Your Self-Worth Come From "Without" Instead of Within? (Behavior)

If you find that you are always competing and always trying to live up to someone's expectations of you, then guess what? Your self-worth is coming from "without" - it's stemming from "lack." Because you feel you "lack" on some level, you then strive to "fill" yourself up from the outside and use that individuals reaction as an indicator of your self-worth.

Your self-worth should come from within. Relax, stop "doing," stop trying so hard to "fix" everything, stop giving more than you receive - and see how fulfilled you suddenly become.

How Much of a Set of Standards Do You Have That You Adhere To? (Belief)

When you have a set of personal standards that you adhere to, particularly when dating, it basically constructs your personal belief system.  If you adhere to that set of standards, then your beliefs stand strong. And if you stand strong in your beliefs, nothing, and I mean nothing, can influence you into doing anything other than that which falls in line with them.

Develop a set of personal beliefs and then stick to them.  Don't let anarchy reign, set some healthy boundaries for yourself and with others.

Take the Test

To find out just how much you do, or do not, value yourself, go through each question above and then jot down a number of 1- 10 that most closely relates to "how much" regarding the answer to that question. Total the numbers of your answers.

If you ended up with a total that's 20 and under, you do not value yourself.  If you've ended up with a total that's 21 -40, then you're halfway there. If you've ended up with a total 41-60, then give yourself a big pat on the back.

A Healthy Sense of Value and Self-Worth

To build a healthy self-esteem, confidence, and a strong sense of value and self-worth, it is necessary to "align" yourself properly and I believe that there are six main areas of focus necessary to do that. I've listed these six areas in parenthesis above as each question addresses one: Observing, Protecting, Trusting, Thinking, Behavior and Belief.

If you align your observations, you heighten your skills of protection. If you trust in those observations and the actions necessary to protect yourself, then your thinking becomes more clear. And once you're thinking becomes more clear, your behavior tends to fall in line and begins to solidify with your beliefs.  It brings to mind an old quote by Mahatma Ghandi:

"Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits, your habits become your values, your values become your destiny."

Trust me ladies, focusing and working on these six areas mentioned above is going to empower you.  You're going to trust yourself, you're going to feel in control, you will know what you will and won't tolerate from others, you will be comfortable setting clear and firm boundaries, you will know what it is that you truly believe in, your skills of observation and protection will kick into high gear and you will never question yourself again.

Most importantly, you will not find yourself being acted upon by others.

Your "dog" days are over, ladies:

Predator or Prey: Your Dating Landscape

By now, you’ve probably all heard the phrase “predator versus prey.” It’s a concept that exists within the wilds of Mother Nature’s landscape – and it’s also a dynamic that exists in the wilds of the dating landscape.

Predators eat things; prey is devoured. The concept is simple enough.

So why is this a crucial concept for both men and women to understand when dating? Because each gender approaches dating from one of these two very different perspectives – you’re either the predator or you’re the prey. And guess which is which?

You guessed it, men are generally the hunters and women are generally the prey. And for this very reason, it seems many times as if men are able to enjoy dating much more than women tend to. Men generally seem to find dating enjoyable, much like a sport or competition, while women generally tend to find dating stressful, uncertain and risky.

For men, the outcome is a conquest, a prize, a win. Sounds like fun, right? For women, the outcome can tend to be that of possibly being devoured, becoming the prize and suffering a loss. Not so fun, huh? This is why many men generally tend to be more confident of their success when dating while lots of women generally tend to be less confident of success and more fearful – it’s the landscape that each is facing.

When dating, it is very important – correct that – it is imperative that each gender form a proper understanding of the other. And in order to form this understanding of one another, you need to realize the reality of the perspective that each is approaching dating with.

It is crucial that each understand what the others “dating landscape” looks like.

Predator or Prey: What Does Your Dating Landscape Look Like?

To have a bit of fun and create a visual perspective of the landscape of each, I might imagine that the dating landscape for man would generally look somewhat like a football field with a big trophy calling their name and beckoning them forward.

For women, I might imagine that their dating landscape would generally look somewhat like the Black Forest, thick and dark, hard to navigate, fraught with danger and perils at every turn, with the only thing calling their name being the safe haven of a cave and warm fire.

Look at the image above – notice the vast difference of each landscape?

I believe it is this very dynamic, this misunderstanding of what the other is facing on their landscape, that causes a good deal of the relationship and dating heartaches we all experience at the hands of others. Men do not understand the risk that dating poses to women and women fail to recognize the fun and competition that dating poses to men.

When a woman is repeatedly devoured emotionally on her dating landscape, the very concept of dating can become associated with negativity and stress rather than enjoyment. And when men repeatedly successfully score wins out on their dating landscape, the very concept of dating can become associated with sport and gaming.

A man’s successful conquests can fuel a strong desire for more faster; while a woman’s unsuccessful losses can tend to fuel confusion and heightened anxiety.

Predator or Prey, Risk Versus Reward: Take a Walk on the Other’s Wild Side

I believe it helps to understand what the other is facing and to gain that understanding, you need to walk a mile in the others shoes. Men, you need to take a walk on the wild side and ladies, you need to sit back, relax and enjoy the competition.


I really don’t think that many men can fully grasp exactly what a woman faces when she steps out onto the dating landscape. But I think that’s only because many men probably don’t take the time to even consider the concept let alone grasp the reality of that environment. Let’s face it, men generally are not the prey in life, but rather are the hunter - and that causes a huge shift in perception. And it’s this lack of understanding that causes men to label women as “crazy” or to throw out the good old standbys, “you think too much” or “you worry too much.”

Women are not wired to be “crazy” guys - they are wired to be “cautious.” And that caution creates the need for questions that require answers - so she may weigh the “risk” involved because she’s the prey. This is primal wiring due to the fact that not only is she the prey, but the risk for her is three-fold:

1) She can be devoured (emotionally).

2) She can become pregnant (physically).

3) She risks catching or coming into contact with infectious diseases that men carry but do not always experience symptoms from, that can render a woman sterile (Chlamydia) or leave her with cancer (via HPV exposure) years later (please, please, please always wrap it up guys).

A woman risks a lot more than a man when mating – she literally puts her life in danger (cancer via HPV exposure) and she risks becoming pregnant, both of which require an increased need for caution. As a result, “women are better at judging risk while men are better at ignoring it.” A statement made and a topic discussed in the book, “Top Dog: The Science of Winning and Losing” by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman.

The closest thing I can compare it to, guys, would be to think of any experience you may have possibly had with a “crazy lady” for lack of a better term. She scared you, didn’t she? The feeling of someone watching you, watching your every move, someone wanting to swallow you up and devour you; the feeling of seeking a safe haven for solace; the feeling of uncertainty, “What is she going to do next?” The feeling of not knowing yourself what to do next, “Should I run, should I stay; should I give her a chance or just walk away before she eats me up or even worse yet – devours me?” “Is she going to hurt me physically?” (Think Lorena Bobbit or Jodi Arias guys.)

You see, in the above scenario – you’re the prey – and you’ve got this fleeting feeling that there’s a possibility you could be devoured and/or harmed. So now you’re confused, scared and possibly unsure of what to do next. That’s what dating in general can tend to be, and feel like, to women, guys.

Can you imagine that? Can you imagine how uncomfortable, uncertain and scary that can be?


Just as I believe it’s difficult for men to fully grasp exactly what a woman faces when she steps onto her dating landscape, I equally feel that it’s difficult for women to grasp exactly what men face on theirs as well. And it’s this lack of understanding that causes a woman to ask questions like, “Why did he do this?” Or, “Is this a game, why would he be playing a game with me?” Or, “Why does he think this is funny?”

The reason for this, ladies, is that men tend to approach dating a bit like a sport or competition of some sort. And as we all know, sport and competition, many times, involves fun, good times, enjoyment, achievement – and adoration.

Men are not approaching dating this way out of malice, they’re primally wired to approach it this way, as a hunter and as a sport where something is to be gained and a potential prize awaits them as well as possibly glory and adoration – resulting in increased overall status.

This is the reason that men tend to not take every little thing quite as seriously as women. They do not face as much risk, but rather, they face more rewards – the rewards outweigh the risk. And since rewards outweigh risk, it becomes a bit more of an enjoyable experience, one that is able to be approached with much less caution and much more enthusiasm.

Ladies, it is very important that you realize that when your man shrugs you off about something that is extremely important to you, he may not be doing it out of malice; he may be doing it because he simply cannot grasp your need to ask or address the issue in the first place. He’s not required or wired to weigh “risk” in the manner that you are. (Note my earlier mention of the book, “Top Dog: The Science of Winning and Losing” by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman where the authors state that “women are better at judging risk while men are better at ignoring it.”)

As a result, he doesn’t understand why what you’re questioning is even important in the first place. His brain deems the information as “useless” to the big picture and therefore, shrugs off the question as meaningless and unnecessary.

And when you push for that answer, he’s wired to minimize your need for a response because to him, it looks as if you’re taking something fun and turning it into something unenjoyable. He doesn’t realize that what you’re actually attempting to do is take something somewhat possibly unenjoyable and possibly uncomfortable for yourself and make it more fun – by asking him to reduce your risk via providing you with an answer.



This concept above of predator versus prey and risk versus reward is why it is so very important to be willing to prove yourself to a woman when dating.

A woman is risking a lot when dating you, so it would serve you well to do your best to be a gentleman and a leader that leads by providing strength, reassurance, support and open lines of communication to her. Anything short of that and you’re going to ultimately disappoint the woman you’re dating.

Once you’ve won your trophy guys, protect it by enclosing it into an airtight case for safe keeping.


This is why it is so very important to guard yourself by making a man prove himself to you when dating. You are risking the very fabric of your emotional being when making an investment, not to mention your very health when entering into a sexual relationship as well as your future, should a pregnancy occur.

If a man isn’t willing to prove himself to you when dating, then you need to be strong enough to walk away from that man. You need a leader that will protect you, safeguard you emotionally and have your best interests at heart. Anything short of that and you will ultimately find yourself disappointed and confused.

Once you’ve become the trophy, demand a safe cave and a warm fire for yourself.

* * * *

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Predator or Prey: Your Dating Landscape by Mirror of Aphrodite is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. (No modifications/derivitives, no commercial use.)

What is The Game: Spot a Pick Up Artist

There’s a phenomenon that’s taken place ever since the book, “The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists” was first published in 2005. The Game was written by Neil Strauss and is a book about his journey of transformation into his Pick Up Artist (PUA) alter-ego "Style," as guided under the tutelage of “Mystery” – also a self-proclaimed Pick Up Artist.

You can now find hundreds of forums and websites dedicated to PUA teachings; teachings that advocate sociopathic behavior and thinking processes in men. And The Game itself goes a little something like this. . .

The Game

The Game advises men to approach a group of women and lead/lean on every woman there by telling them a previously rehearsed exciting story (Phase One: Attract) - every woman that is, except the one that the man is truly interested in. That woman, yea he’s supposed to ignore her and insult her with what is called throwing a “neg.” And this is after he goes waltzing in there “peacocking.” (And if you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking, you’d be correct. The man is supposed to dress like a kook in some way or to wear/carry a “prop” so as to garner your attention. And if you’ve ever seen the cartoon character that is Mystery, then you know I’m being kind by only applying the word kook.)

You see, in this Pick Up Artist process, the man is basically instructed to emotionally manipulate the woman and walk her, like a dog, through a roller coaster of three stages that are all designed to weaken the woman by undermining her value in order to make her more vulnerable - to sex. Because naturally, after the man swoops in there looking like a circus side-show act and pays more attention to all of the other women in the group and then insults and ignores the girl he’s really interested in – he then moves into Phase Two: the “Comfort” phase – where he provides the neglected, insulted woman a shoulder to cry on and attempts to lift her back up so that he looks good. (Awe, how chivalrous of him.)

Once he’s undermined his intended target’s self-esteem and self-confidence, he is then instructed to move into Phase Three: Seduction. This phase basically involves charming the woman with a bunch of bullshit so that he comes off looking like some kind of savior and the woman is so grateful to finally receive the man’s withheld attention that she just can’t help herself and she jumps right into bed with him.

It’s basically a roller coaster process of “deconstruction” – tearing a woman down (negs), then lifting her up (comfort) and then pouncing when she's in this confused, weakened state (seduction). Sound familiar gals? (I imagine alarm bells are ringing in your head right now.) This emotional manipulation process is meant to affect the woman’s self-confidence and make her weak. It’s meant to turn women into easy prey or VC’s – Victim Chicks – as coined by Pick Up Artists.

There are 3 main components to the Pick Up Artist’s tactics:

• Attract
• Comfort
• Seduction

And then each of those 3 components is then broken down into 3 separate steps for a combined total of 9 steps. That’s a pick up artists total investment ladies – 9 steps, otherwise known as “The Mystery Method” (PDF).

And believe it or not, this step by step process was first created as a way to aid the cartoon character known as Mystery (Erik James Horvat-Markovic) in his day job at the time – that of a professional magician (shocking, I know).

In all honesty though, what else could you expect from a group of men with names like Mystery, Spoon, Sin, Kosmo, Matador, J-Dog and Style? Are these male strippers? Are they members of the Chippendale Dancers? No. “Style” is actually Neil Strauss, author of The Game. Not only are these cartoonish characters advised to dress like circus side-show acts, they are also instructed to name themselves as such.

And what do these buffoons consider “the ultimate challenge?” A stripper - yes, a stripper. A woman who sheds her clothing in exchange for money is somehow considered the ultimate challenge to these men. Seriously, how hard is it to get a stripper to disrobe for you? (No disrespect to any of you female dancers out there, I realize you’re simply earning a living and most likely trying to care for your children, but it is what it is.) The simple fact is – all it takes is money – dah, it’s their job. Yet somehow, these cartoonish fella’s consider this a real challenge? A woman who sheds her clothing for money is a real challenge? A woman whose personal boundaries are already much less than that of a woman who is not used to doing this easily or regularly – is a challenge? A woman whose inhibitions are much less than that of a woman who isn’t as comfortable disrobing for a man – is a challenge?

Okay, whatever.

The Language of a Pick Up Artist

Now let’s take a look at some of their language; a language all its own, yet one that can give you a real glimpse into the mindset of a Pick Up Artist:

Neg, Negging – A backhanded compliment meant to insult the woman. Stunts similar to the ole’ “who is this” response from a woman’s communication attempt, where the man pretends he’s deleted the woman’s number but knows full well who’s contacting him. (Know this ladies, a player/PUA will NEVER delete a woman’s number as he associates the amount of female contacts in his smartphone with his masculinity – in spite of the fact that the rest of society does not). And how these men feel that insulting a woman and decreasing her overall value as a human being is a feeling that she will want more of, I’ll never know.

Peacocking – A tactic that makes you stand out above the rest (because you look like a freak). This basically includes “props” such as a fuzzy hat, goggles, fuzzy jackets, brightly colored clothing, a goofy necklace (preferably one that lights up), fuzzy pants – lots of fuzz, feathers, fur and outlandishness will do.

PUA – Pick Up Artist (I’d like to spin a female take on this one. PUA – Stinky (PU) Ass. Thanks Gemini50 ;-)

IOI – Indicator of Interest

AFOG – Alpha Female of Group

AMOG – Alpha Male of Group (naturally, a big adversary to the PUA).

AK – AMOG Killer (BOOM, my charisma will kill you!)

Set – The “stage” of the situation, as in “theatrical production” – ready on the set ladies!

ASD – Anti-Slut Defense (when a woman attempts to convince you she’s a nice girl, because naturally, any woman that is comfortable with her sexuality is instantly deemed a slut and, therefore, needs an anti-slut defense).

AI – Approach Invitation (a smile, eye contact, etc.)

BHRR Bait, Hook, Reel, Release (basically, the disappearing man; the ole’ “sweep her off her feet” and then POOF, he’s gone method).

BAFC – Below Average Frustrated Chump

AFC – Average Frustrated Chump

BS – Bitch Shield (naturally, this is an unapproachable woman - because any woman who’s smart enough to see past this charade MUST be a bitch – she’s not intelligent, she’s simply a bitch.  I know another meaning for BS - Bullshit).

BD – Boyfriend Destroyer (because a PUA erroneously believes that the fastest way to success is through bad intention).

CR – Canned Routine (need I say more?)

CP – Comfort Plan (“There, there, it’ll be alright. I’ve decided that I suddenly like you; put your head in my lap and it’ll all be okay dear.”)

DHV – Demonstration of Higher Value (similar to a marketing/PR campaign).

DDBL – Doggy Dinner Bowl Look (a compliant woman, “Please, please, please pick me.” *Sad eyes*)

DTF – Down To F*ck (the PUA’s entire goal.)

EE – Eject and Explain (When you’re getting nowhere so you bail, “I'm outta' here, my friends are leaving; catch me later.” I’d like to add my own spin on this one, ladies. Eject and Explain – Prematurely “eject” and then attempt to “explain your shortcomings” away.)

Fatty (Tuna) – A woman who doesn’t look great, but is still doable of course.

FGOP – Fat Girl Overhead Photo (creates an illusion of being thin, because naturally, it’s only looks that truly matter to a PUA).

FTOW – Find and F*ck 10 Other Women (wishful thinking and a fast track to the free clinic for treatment of all of the STD’s you’re also going to “Pick Up” along the way. Hey, I’d like to coin a phrase myself, “DD - Dirty Dick.”)

MLTR – Multiple Long Term Relationships, MTLR Cubed (3 LTR’s simultaneously), MTLR Squared (2 LTR’s simultaneously).

SDL – Same Day Lay

STMD – Sealing the Mother Effing Deal

SNL – Single/Same Night Lay

VC – Victim Chick (the need for the use of this terminology says it all).

WPU – Work Pick Up (shared place of employment)

ZNR – Zero Night Stand (immediate casual sex).

Okay ladies, disgusted yet? Regrettably, there’s more, much more - a full list of this crap, “849 terms and counting.”

The Reality

So just how far does this false illusion of “awesomeness” go? Oh my Lord ladies, you’d be surprised at just how deep it goes.

Don’t believe me?

Take a look at Neil Strauss here, Author of The Game, err. . .my bad, take a look at “Style,” Author of The Game, in this “after and before” shot. The left is the “illusion” and the right is the “reality.”

Now do you see why there’s a need for a fake getup, an alter ego identity and a bunch of schmuck tactics that only work on insecure women? Now do you see the need to prey on the weak and single them out from the pack? The need stems from a complete lack of self-confidence. And the fact is, I’m quite sure there’s more than one woman out there who would’ve accepted this man for exactly who he was had he just worked on his social skills as a human being - instead of caving to low self-esteem and creating an entirely false identity to hide behind.

Which then begs the question, how long can one keep up this charade? Not long as inconsistency, insecurity and false bravado will eventually give way to truth.

I feel sorry for men using these tactics because what they don’t realize is that these tactics only work on insecure women with low self-esteem – like attracts like, folks. And are those REALLY the women men want to date? Are insecure folks with low self-esteem really the folks that ANYONE wants to date, male or female? I realize we all have insecurities, it’s a human condition. However, when you let them guide you, guide your decisions in life and your perception of yourself – you end up with this.

These tactics basically leave men to “slum it,” deep in the depths of the dating ghetto, down in the bottom of the barrel, trolling the clubs and bar scenes for the perfect - Victim Chick (VC). These tactics advocate victimizing women and exploiting their nature – predator versus prey. One of these Pick Up Artist idiots even has what he calls a "rape van." It's crystal clear that these are mentally damaged individuals.

And many of the techniques pick up artists advocate are shameless yet completely obvious once you’re onto them. For instance, many of the online Pick Up Artist forums and chat rooms advocate that men ask random beautiful women in public, complete strangers, to take a photograph with them (be sure to point at the camera so you look cool). Advocating that "Women will find you more attractive, than if you were with a group of guys." That way, the man can then display these images online and give the false illusion that he’s pulling some awesome tail in the real world.

By the way, yes, that's Mystery in the image, furry hat and all.

The Game also advises men to compliment women on things like shoes and handbags as a way to look appreciative of the ways and efforts of women. I don’t know about you ladies, but if a man ever complimented me on my shoes or handbag, I’d secretly be wondering if he was 1.) homosexual or 2.) a closet cross-dresser 3.) married. I mean really, why else would a man be well-versed in women’s fashion? For me, that’d be a big red flag and a sign of a man that’s trying way too hard.

Pick up Artists also wrongly advocate seducing married women and women in relationships. In otherwords, they advocate setting out with bad intention – to break up marriages and relationships, simply to “prove” something to themselves; to prove that they can do this, which in and of itself signals low self-esteem is present in these men because insecure men always feel the need to overcompensate (macho) for their lack of confidence by proving things to themselves for no apparent reason other than – to make themselves feel better about themselves.

Confident men do not feel the need to prove themselves to anyone. Confident men don’t need a “prop” to garner a woman’s attention because it’s their masculine, leading energy that garners all the attention they need. Confident men have the skills necessary to please women, sexually, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Confident men have honed social skills and respectful dating skills and don’t have a need for manipulative tactics.

And many men agree that confidence is key. Here is “Magic” explaining why negs are NOT the way to win a woman over. As much as I hate his name and his overall persona, I have to agree with him that undermining one’s value is not a recipe for success, nor is it going to make a woman want to spend any significant amount of time with a man:

The Game is all about sex. It has nothing to do with real relationships, genuine human interaction or true bonding. Nor does it teach men how to be good lovers. I’d bet my bottom dollar that these PUA’s haven’t a clue what to do with a woman once they actually get her undressed, other than permit themselves to be serviced in some crude manner so as to take the pressure of performance off of themselves and place it squarely on the woman’s shoulders.

The Game teaches men absolutely nothing about what it takes to make (and keep) a real woman happy and standing by a man’s side.

It’s no real "Mystery” – it’s a loser’s game.
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